Not Holiday

Today has been a long day, a good day, a weird day and a not good day all in
one day.

Long day - We were up early to collect friends from the airport, they went
on the holiday we were supposed to be going on - we would have had an
additional week to go yet but hey ho, things were not supposed to work out
that way. We would have loved to have gone with them especially after seeing
their holiday pictures, but my treatment was priority as have said before.

Good Day - it's been good in the respect that everything I wanted to achieve
I have done, and now have a new to do list for tomorrow with only two items
on it (although one of them is only to put jacket potatoes in late in the
day for dinner) I like days where I get things done, and wish every day was
like today. I want to photograph some stock tomorrow so will get all my
little chores done first thing then work on that. Today at the hospital was
Doctor day, where I meet with the Oncologist. It's just a basic meeting with
to make sure am al ok, and that I don't have any issues., Another positive
tick on my daily good things list.

Weird Day - weird in the respect that although I know inside my head I am
ill today its not been an issue. I haven't had any symptoms other than my
bald head that have bothered me, today I haven't been fatigued it's been a
normal day, a day I could have gone back to work, a day I could have done my
normal life...

Not good day - Today I have also had words with someone very close to me,
that have been taken not the way I intended them to be, this has hopefully
all been sorted now as my intentions were not to create the scenario that
has arisen. One thing I have to realise is that my illness doesn't only
effect myself, but others too, and that they too can have good and bad days.
I know in part I have to be selfish and look out for myself, but sometimes
when people are looking out for me too, even though I may think they are
doing my head in, crowding me, or making decisions for me that what they are
doing is right and I should go with it.

I think I might ask my father in law to build me a soundproof booth in the
garden, and it can be used by myself and anyone I know to go and vent and
scream in, just get it off your chest and then everything will be back to
normal again.

The other bad thing was I had to wait over an hour and a half for my
treatment today at the hospital, one downside of having my treatment later
in the day is if there is an overrun on any of the treatments during the day
it all rolls up and ends up in me being delayed. I just have to sit with
Mark and wait, but this is one of the most tiring things of the whole
process the waiting. Still I can't complain it's all for my benefit in the
end.

Will finish by saying those people that are close to me, and they know who
they are mean the world to me and I know I might say the wrong thing
sometimes, it's not intentional but my excuse is simple - I'm human and
sometimes my emotions get the better of me and things come out wrong, I
haven't had training on how to handle situations like this, I wish sometimes
I could go on a course to understand what's going on and how to deal with
it, but these don't exist do they, you just have to work at it and carry on.

Love you all

Steve

Hair today, gone tomorrow....

<http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=5661691&id=580802044>
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs1163.snc4/150582_457233192044_
580802044_5962637_8142794_n.jpg

I know what you're thinking...

I'm thinking the same thing, I look like my dad.

I have made the conscious decision to crop all of my hair since it started
to come out because of the radio therapy, I can't stop that, and it was
going patchy all round the back and on the right hand side too.

At least if it's all short then there is no problem with it coming out, as
it looks all short anyway, I just look a bugger with short hair, who knows I
might actually wear my wig more now, or more hats will be purchased....

There is so much to update for today but I am so tired I will do ti tomorrow
in a mega update.

Steve

Choices

Time for an update I think.

Yesterday was a bit of a hectic day and we managed to fit a lot in.

We started the day with a trip round the warehouses looking for a new product range that will be revealed soon. Fun and practical is the brief for the product so your going to have to wait till its launch. But everyone is going to want one or multiples of them.....

One part of yesterday I didn't enjoy though was as Mark would put it. "My Wobbly" in the shop. I can't even remember what was said now but it all boils down to the fact I feel like the majority of my choices and decisions have been taken away from me

Mark said his bit, I said my bit and we cleared the air. I shouldn't have had a go at him, but he's the closest person to me and unfortunately has to bear the brunt of my "Wobblys"

Going back to choices and decisions. Some of this cant be helped. I do have to eat at certain times, I do have appointments every day etc these u can't get out of. Its the smaller things like when people tell me I can't do that because am tired, or don't let Stephen do that because he shouldn't be doing it.

Stephen knows when he's tired and will sit down rest. I know my limitations and these are changing every day.

Whilst I am not ill I wish to carry on as normal. Or as normal as my life has become anyway. For example today I have done work for the office, been to the post office, done some chores and crossed off the majority of my to do list. I'm currently writing this whilst waiting in Christies for my treatment, will probably finish it in the car on the way home.

Today has bEen a good and productive day. And because I have been moving I haven't ached as much which again is a good thing.

This evening again is busy. We have friends from southport coming over to say hello and then we get the photo's back from last weeks photo shoot. All this takes time though.

There doesn't appear to be much time for us at the moment and a lot of our time is occupied by other peoples demands. These demands have always been there but we have always had an excuse be it Trouble - were working etc or something along the same lines, and people accepted that too. But now that Trouble has been retired off (albeit temporary as far as I'm concerned) now we haven't got this excuse were finding that a lot more people are demanding our time. and we haven't got an excuse to get out of it. I know that sounds awful its not intended to sound that way.

I understand because of my diagnosis and such that people do want to spend time with me, but this is different to how it was pre cancer. I would like to keep to normal and all these extra visits are out of the norm. I do appreciate the visits though in the same manner.

Anyway on a lighter note...

Mum I want to do a poo at Paul's... This appeared to be the phrase yesterday (its off the glade advert) as most of you will know because of some of my medications I have been unable to go to the loo. Yesterday though everywhere I went - I went if you get my drift.

Anyway will update more later.

Steve x
Sent via the Trouble BlackBerry®

ebay

Well today has been another good and productive day.

Our dressing room is slowly becoming more like a shop, as items go from our
personal things to sale items. The washing machine will be going into
overdrive in the next day's washing some of the costumes before they are
photographed. eBay has become my new home page as I work out what is going
on there and what to charge (I must admit to bidding on a few things as
well)

The treatment is slowly starting to make its presence in my life now, not
only in the loss of my hair on the left side of my head, which is now
getting to be a bigger bald patch, and its bloody itch, think sunburn and
your half way there. I have cream that I can apply but it still itches.

The aching and tiredness are also becoming a permanent presence too. The
aching can be alleviated by keeping going, and drinking plenty of liquids,
I'm constantly attached to a water bottle now, as I drink loads during the
day.

Tomorrow is another busy day as would like to pop to the warehouse for a new
product range and then off to my mum's for dinner.

I have felt good today, and want to continue this way.

More to follow tomorrow.

Steve

Smile

Hello my little bloggers.

Well today has definitely been a good day.

Managed to get my work done for the office this morning before a friend
arrived and we discussed a few ideas for her partners business, which we
have learned by running the Trouble Business. Simple ideas that often get
overlooked but are the simplest of things and make such a big difference.

Have also been to the post office with my ever growing eBay sales. These are
starting to roll back in again after a little time of inactivity. The best
thing is, the more sales I have the more I want and the more energy I have
to push the sales and get more listed. A friend I spoke to yesterday told me
that they are now turning over £20k a month on eBay so it can be a viable
business opportunity.

This afternoon my mum came down and took me out for the afternoon, we went
shopping before my treatment to a local shopping centre and picked up basics
(Hand sanitizer, cat food and juice) and then we headed off to Christies for
my treatment.

After I came out of my treatment there was a grl roughly my age who was in
with her Nan. She was on her second Radiotherapy session and was having
major issues with it, o be honest she was petrified. She explained that her
Nan was going into the treatment with a CALM nurse and that they helped her
through the experience.

I explained how it was from my perspective as our treatments are very
similar in respect of the mask etc. and explained that it does get easier,
and the thing that becomes the issue is the waiting for the treatment and
the travelling, as you know once you enter the Radiotherapy Suite you are
generally out aging within 10 minutes, it made them both feel a little
better that they had spoken to someone that had actually experienced the
treatment and the nurse with them also agreed with everything I said.

This also made me feel much better that I am also able to help someone else
overcome the fear of the treatment that I had to overcome myself.

I'm now on a countdown of the number of treatments I have left as I have
completed 16 Radiotherapy sessions now and have only got 14to go all going
well. There is signs of my treatment showing more though now, im bald
completely on the left side of my head in a large patch over my scar area
and the hair on the right side of my head is starting to fall out and go
thinner, this is to be expected.

I also get very achy after treatment especially towards the end of the week.
I found that by taking the advice of the nurses to keep a high intake of
liquid that this helps with the aching and Fatigue. It also helps to keep
meoving sometimes so even though I don't want to go for a walk I go, just to
keep my body moving, and I do feel that this benefits me, even though I
feel tired afterwards, the body doesn't feel as achy, its fir trade off.

After treatment we went to the Trafford Centre to do a little Xmas shopping,
we picked up a few nice things and have now sorted two presents that I
needed to get.

All in all a good day and now have a weekend free of Radiotherapy so just my
Chemo to take but this fits in with my day anyway.

Ready then for Monday when it all starts again.

But I have a full weekend to occupy myself with yet so what mischief can I
get upto? Will only know tomorrow.....

Till then

Steve

Tired

I have been tired today, and I know it's because of the treatment. This
morning I struggled to get myself motivated and even the littlest of things
were hard work. This is really the first time that I have experienced this
feeling for a full day. It got slightly worse after my treatment this
afternoon.

After my treatment today I had the usual fuzzy head and pressure behind my
left eye, this fades though after a couple of hours. Today though it's all
faded as usual but it has left me very tired. A good night's sleep should
help me out though, I'm glad that tomorrow is the last treatment of the week
though. I'm now half way through my entire course so that's a good thing.

I also managed to do a little bit of work from home, I'm just limited in
what I can do because of my machine. But the little bit that I can do gives
me some reason for every day - its mad that we all complain about going to
work every day and would like give up work at the drop of a hat. My choice
in the matter was made for me because of the illness and its now almost two
and a half months since I have been officially been in the office, its mad
but my whole day has been disrupted by nit going to work, and my normality
has been turned upon its head. The work I do now from home with the help of
work, helps me retain some of this normality, and I would like to thank work
for being accommodating in the issue.

Tomorrow I'm going out with my mum for the afternoon, nothing planned just
as yet but have to have treatment at 4pm so who knows what we will get up
to, will just be nice to be out with my mum for a couple of hours, it also
gives Mark the afternoon off and he can do whatever he wants to, its good
that he has time on his own too, although I do enjoy spending time with him,
even if it is just travelling to the hospital and back.

Will update tomorrow with what I get up to.

Steve

Wash and went....

Well today has been the first full day with my balding patch. Its also
started to come out on the other side of my head too today, I did remark to
the Oncologist that I expected it to be a gradual loss, and she said thats
not always the way... oh well.

I wore my wig all day today, including to the office where I have been in
and done a little work.

Nobody made an issue out of the fact I had a wig on, it was actually me that
made the first joke about it, to break the ice.

I really enjoyed going back into the office today, it provided me with a
little bit of normality, that and I got a load done as the PC was so
fast....

Have said as long as am able will go in and do more next week.

Nothing else to update though now, so will sign off and have an early night.

Steve

Just before Bed

Just before bed I have had a shower to try and rinse the loose bits if hair
from my head.

<http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=5661691&id=580802044>
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash2/hs469.ash2/74284_453193022044_58
0802044_5924118_958098_n.jpg

This is the result, I now have a huge bald patch right over my scar area.

I'm OK with the hair loss, as it's all for a good reason, and the treatment
I am receiving will hopefully help me to be here for a lot longer. Its' just
odd that its gone from no hair loss yesterday to a huge bald spot today.

I have decided to go into the office tomorrow for a few hours, I have said I
would do, and it also gets me out of the house and gives me a little bit of
normality to my day, and would like to do it every week if possible.

He one issue I have now is, do I wear my wig, or a hat to hide my baldness.

I know the guys in the office will be OK with me wearing a wig, and that it
will actually be me that makes a joke out of my wig before any of them do, I
think that way there will be no issue.

Will decide in the morning.

Anyway am off to bed

More tomorrow.

Steve

Hair

Today I noticed one thing that I wasn't looking forward to, the loss of my
hair because of the Radiotherapy.

I noticed that my dressing gown was covered in hair on the left side when I
took it off this morning, and then when I went to scratch my head a little
later on a full clump came away in my hand. I will now consider cutting my
hair very short so that the bald patches are not as obvious. That and I now
have my wig on standby if I wish to use it, as well as my new vast
collection of hats too.

Will update later fully.

Steve

Hmmm

Today has been an odd day.

Back to treatment, this afternoon, but it all started this morning.

I just can't focus on anything today, and have done loads of little random
things to try and jolt my mind into something. I don't think it's a side
effect of the treatment, but more of just one of those days where my mind
just isn't where it should be. I had these days before any treatment or
illness so will just put it down to "one of those days"

Today has also been a busy day since going to Christies. Have arranged to
meet with friends this week, have made an appointment for BASIC as we didn't
realise that you cant just pop in you have to make an appointment to see
them, and they are busy so the earliest I can go is the 22nd. This is good
as I was going to pop down there on Friday with my mum.

My treatment today was as it is every day, however it does appear to have
drained me out this evening, and will be going to bed right after Corrie
(Jack leaves so has to be watched as apparently Vera makes an appearance
too....)

Tomorrow a friend is coming over to look at a load of costumes that he wants
to take back to Gran Canaria. It will be odd to see them go, but I know they
have to, both for my own sanity and for the space for my new ones when I get
through this. I have already seen a couple of pictures of someone else in
one of my costumes, so it will get easier.

Nothing more to mention today - so will sign off and say see you all
tomorrow.

Steve

Weekend Over

Well its the end of another weekend at Trouble Towers.

It's been a really odd weekend with various things going on that have made
me think.

Sunday was All Souls day (I think that's right) and is a special service at
Church where the people that have died in the last year are remembered. My
aunt lost her battle to Cancer on New year's Eve last year so we were all to
attend this service.

I was happy to attend the service, and was a good opportunity for me to meet
a large proportion of my extended family and look healthy.

However on the day I sat and thought about what the service was about I
decided I no longer wanted to go.

I wasn't emotionally ready for all the family who would have been very
supportive but also very fussing. That and the service itself, it could be
that my name is being read out on that list this time next year, im not
ready to think about that, especially after my thoughts of funerals this
weekend.

Someone has left me a message on my log about my wanting to organise a
funeral. They have said exactly how I feel, that once it's done its done,
and that it will be done my way.

Am back to treatment tomorrow, and this is the week that I should really
stat to notice the effects, as they say that treatments 10-20 are when
things start to kick in if they are going to affect you, well tomorrows
treatment is number 12 so who knows. I know that the tiredness is creeping
in much more now and that I still have slight headaches. I'm ready for
whatever is thrown at me though and know its just something that I have to
endure if I wish to have a chance of survival.

Overall its been a rollercoaster of a weekend but I'm fine now I'm bigger
and stronger and am able to handle these off days.

There's a lot of fight left in this old Queen yet, it just takes a little
persuasion to make it go sometimes, just like an old TV (no pun intended)
you have to switch it on a couple of minutes before you want to watch your
favourit TV program to allow it to warm up.

Who knows what tomorrow brings,

Only one way to find out, and that's to head off to bed and wait and see.

See you tomorrow.

Steve x

With a bang....

Well folks time for another update. I didn't do one yesterday as I was both tired and frustrated. Tired because of the treatment and frustrated because of the blasted fireworks that were going off all round the place. Heaven knows why especially on november 5th anyway lol....

I don't like fireworks at the best of times, call me miserable and such but I just see then as a waste of money and a noisy thing that lasts for weeks. Also one of our neighbours tries to blast his house into orbit every year with a commercial standard display. It just makes my ornaments rattle (in more ways than one)

The other thing about last night was memories. The last time I was stood on my doorstep was new years eve of last year. I was drinking a glass of champagne to my aunt Val that had sadly lost her battle to cancer that dat.

It got to me slightly and I ended up in a strange mood afterwards when we went to bed.

In bed I couldn't sleep, Mark was snoring, my legs were aching and restless and I just couldn't settle so I ended up trying to occupy my mind on eBay and by some odd internet advertising fluke I ended up looking at planning my own funeral.

Now I have no intention of going anywhere yet but know that my funeral being within the next few years is a possibility.

I would like to plan my funeral and not leave the burden to family and also to ensure that its done the way I want, after all its the last finale I will ever get to perform in.

That's something I have to think about now though as at present with all the songs I would like played its going to be a week of a funeral and the catering will have to be done in rotation.....

Anyway back to today, we have driven down to Lincolnshire to collect a chais lounge that Mark bought on eBay he will be doing it up and either selling it or it will fit into the house somewhere. On the way back we stopped in Leeds to do a spot of christmas shopping. We haven't bought any presents for anyone just a 5ft candelabra for us. Oh well....

Now were off to my mothers for a takeaway to finish off the day.

Who knows what's in store for tomorrow..

Steve

Sent via the Trouble BlackBerry®

Tired

Today has been another of those days when I have started to think about my
treatment.

I noticed last week that on the Thursday I was a little more tired than
normal, and that the Friday was a hard day to complete, I have been told
that this is to be expected as the treatment builds up in my system. I was a
little refreshed by Monday. However today I have noticed the signs again and
am expecting tomorrow to be a long day.

I have now completed 9 sessions of radiotherapy and have another 21 to go,
the travelling is starting to take its toll on me as is all the waiting at
the hospital, but is something I have to put up with. Medication wise
everything is running smoothly and am in a good routine for taking the Chemo
at the appropriate times. I'm sure though if you pick me up I will rattle
with the number of tablets I take...

Had a meal out tonight which was good but I think I ate too much (I know I
ate too much) and the mammoth Mixed grill was simply far too much for me, I
must admit to leaving half a sausage though which is bad form in considering
how much I actually ate, I'm sure I could have squeezed it in somewhere, we
then went from there to friends who offered us food, but we had to
graciously decline....

We have just got back from delivering three of our wigs to their new home
(two of mine and one of Marks) now it's always been our rule never to lend
anyone our wigs as they are our image but now that things have changed and
everything is going its odd to see someone else in our costumes and wigs
etc, it's also flattering that people would want to own them too. Still very
sad though that this part of my life has come to an end because of the
illness, but like I said before, when I come through the other side we will
have bigger and better costumes, and this is just an excuse to clear the
dressing room.

Nothing much else to mention today.

More to follow tomorrow.

Steve x

A new Hairstyle

Today has been a fun and interesting day, but also a day that has made me
think.

The shop is going well, which ic good, and the costumes are slowly working
their way to new owners all round the country, this is both sad for me as
they are ultimately costumes made for me but also good as they will actually
get worn again and be performed in, which is what they were made for.

Today have been at Christies for a large amount of the day. First was my wig
appointment at the Wig Room. Now this is going to sound stupid, but I was
very nervous about wearing a wig (who would have though) The wig is only
going to be used to give me a choice when my hair starts to fall out later
into the treatment. This part I am not too particularly bothered about but
my scar will be much more evident and I simply don't want the hassle of
people pointing it out and assuming whatever they like.

The wig itself is not far from my natural colour so is ok in that respect,
however its slightly longer than my natural style so looks different, but
considering in hadn't had my hair cut for the best part of 3 months before I
had it cut last week it was getting long anyway and it looked like that. So
now I have the choice of my wig or the hats to wear, I just need cold
weather now to wear my hats....

The other thing I have been thinking about today is the whole cancer issue
and the fact that there is so much money raised for cancer awareness, it
also annoys me that there is only a very small percentage of this money
raised that is actually spent on research into brain tumours and cancers.
Breast and testicles are all over the place, but the brain, the biggest and
most important part of the body is lacking in funding.

I have set myself a task of helping to raise the awareness of Brain Tumours
and Cancer and will do as much as I possibly can.

This blog is not just published on my blog but also linked on the
http://btbuddies.org.uk/ BT Buddies website. The site is a mine of
information on all things Brain Tumour related, and is run by a very
dedicated team.

The team are a charity and rely on volunteers and charitable donations.

This is where I get on my soapbox and ask for a little bit of help. As some
of you have said is there a charity that you can donate to then yes there
is, please go to their shop on eBay http://shop.ebay.co.uk/btbuddies/m.html
and buy something from them, so your doing your bit for charity, making me
smile and helping your retail urges all in the name of a good cause. Were
all smiling.

Something somebody said to me today is that I am an inspiration and that I
am so brave facing the news I have been given, my only response was that I'm
actually shit scared of the future but I have two choices either stand up
and fight and see where it gets me, or sit back and let this thing eat me up
inside and everyone around me. I'm not like that, I'm going to make a lot of
noise, be cantankerous and give this thing a run for its money. But I
suppose I do look at other people and see them as an inspiration so in a way
I suppose I am, it depends upon how you see things.

If you see me as an inspiration then good, im glad I am giving you the will
to go on, just like the people I look up to and make me want to carry on.
Together we can get through this, together we can beat this, Together we can
be strong.

Anyway that's enough of me ranting on, I'm going to organise a charity event
or something to work off the tension, who knows Miss Whiplash and Bobbie
Dazzler may make a Special guest appearance.

Steve x

Holiday

Today is the day we were supposed to be going on holiday.

Three weeks in India, has been booked for us since early March of this year.
But unfortunately due to my illness diagnosis, this had to be scrapped. The
choice was simple really. Go on holiday and probably no see Christmas, or
stay here, get the best possible treatment I can, and fight this thing.

There really isn't much of a choice is there.

For myself and you guys all around me I chose to stay and fight, and fight
is what am going to do.

There will be plenty of time for other holidays next year when am better.

This whole thing has made me think of some of the other choices I have had
to make in my life, and the choices are simply easier to accept and make.
Its amazing how life changing this whole thing has been.

Steve

Hmmm

Well is been a few days since I last updated my blog, and nothing major has
happened other than tiredness is becoming a major part of my life now.

Saturday was the visit of my sister in law and her husband, which was nice
as we only get to see them every few months as they are from Norfolk (or
that's where they live at least)

Saturday night was dinner with friends in Wigan - Jamaican delicacies - it
was lovely, and the conversation brilliant too, was nice to go out, not get
blind drunk (who would have thought me not getting blind drunk would be a
good thing....) and hen leave at a reasonable time.

Sunday morning was a bit of a slow start though for me as I was aching all
over - like I had run a million miles. I managed to complete the day though
as had loads to do.

Sunday afternoon was the photo shoot that I wanted with Mark and all four
parents, The photo shoot will be a reminder of good times when I don't feel
very well as the treatment gets further underway.

Today has been another of those days where the treatment is starting to kick
in. My body aches and is tired, and doing the smallest of things takes just
a little longer. I have not had any sickness though in the last few days
which is certainly a positive, and my appetite is at the moment unaffected.

The week ahead is looking really simple, just normal day to day items,
taking my exercise which I am intent on doing, although it's only walking to
the post office and back and my treatment.

Early nights are something that are becoming more of an option now too,
although I do struggle to sleep when I get there as I become restless, that
and my brain is slightly confused as to why I am in bed at such an early
time.

Tomorrow is the day were also supposed to be going on holiday to India. We
have been looking forward to the holiday since early March when it was
booked. Unfortunately because of treatment and the timescales involved we
have had to cancel.

Two of our friends who were going on the same holiday are still going
though, which we are OK with but it's still there that were supposed to be
going too. Were taking them to the airport though and waving them off. We
hope they have a lovely time and bring us back the goodies they have
promised (a stick of India Rock, and a Straw Elephant.....)

Tomorrow is another day (although it will start early because of the Airport
run, but tomorrow is going to be a good day. Every day no matter what is a
good day, and being ill, down or just not wanting to do anything - I have
to keep thinking positive and keep going forward.

Anyway enough of the PMA soapbox.

Just wanted to finish by saying thank you to my Partner Mark, and my four
parents for being so supportive over the last few weeks. They all do their
own little bit, and perform a little something in my life each day even
though they may not know it. I love you all.

Steve x

The Invisible Sun

Well yesterday was just the final day of this week's Radiotherapy, and its
already starting to show, as both Thursday and |Friday I was really tired
and I actually succumbed to a nap on Friday.

I think it's a culmination of my normal life doing normal things, and the
treatment, one of them is going to have to give a little, and I don't have
any choice with the treatment so am going to have to look at the rest of my
life me thinks.

The week as a whole though has been good, and this weekend my sister sis up
with her husband, which is nice as it's a change of the norm.

I'm still tired today but don't intend to do massive amounts, as even though
am sleeping I'm not getting any less tired, the Radiographers did say that
though as its not tiredness its fatigue (whatever the difference is)

Were off out today to do a little shopping as its a nice change (although
that's all we appear to do at the moment) so were off out with sister and
brother-in-law.

This evening were off to friends for dinner, I'm looking forward to it as
its going to be a Jamaican and I love different foods.

Will update later

Steve

Tired.

Today has been another good day for me, however the tiredness has really caught up with me. I walked to the end of our road a trip I try and do every day. The road just got longer and longer as I walked.
I had to do the trip though as I needed to go to the post office, and was something I feel I have to do.

I know I can push myself just a little every day but I know I suffer the consequences later in the day. Although am not napping at the moment like I was, today was one of those occasions where I should have possibly had a nap.

Another thing I have noticed this week is the amount of interest people have in me.

I know being a public figure of sorts as Miss Whiplash that I should be used to that but this is my real life. I know I have publicised the whole story of my illness on my blog and on Facebook but people always want to know more. And often people question you the same on a daily basis.

Have found though that because my Radiotherapy treatments are in the afternoon I can stick to a normal day, including food. I can have breakfast and lunch at appropriate times and then treatment and then dinner at normal time.

The timetable also allows both me and Mark to have semi normal days, as he is now going back to work as much as possible and am working from home too.

I'm sure its just me being me, and the attention is a good thing and the positivity is a good thing for me too but it is starting to stress me out a little, hence this blog I can release the info how I please. And its in a truthful manor.

Mark picks up on my stress and it then becomes an issue between the two of us.

Anyway am off to sleep now as tomorrow is another day.

Ps is it almost Xmas soon or something all the adverts are either sofas, games consoles or food hampers....
Sent via the Trouble BlackBerry®

Alone

I have just had a thought about my radiotherapy.

Its something I have to do on my own. Even though people can come with me I have to be alone to have the treatment.

This technically be a very frightening experience for a lot of people. I am here to say that its not a frightening experience at all.

If anyone wants to discuss it with me drop me a line and I will be happy to talk you through it as a patient rather than from a medical side.

Anyway doctors turn now for my weekly check up.

Steve
Sent via the Trouble BlackBerry®

Mini update

Well here I am day 4 of my radiotherapy and its the same faces both patients and nurses. This goes some way to adding normality to my life. Hospital is just the new norm.

The other thing is I now walk round the hospital and go to various departments and 1) I know my way around 2) I now am one of the smiling people.

That's the biggest thing about the hospital for me and have probably said it before but everyone smiles. Even the porters delivering the mail smile too. There is a positive vibe about the place, even though the worst ever news anyone can receive is delivered here on a daily basis.

POSITIVITY is all anyone here can have and it shows in all these smiling faces. With a back-up army of love from friends and family either way they all keep smiling.

Will update later as I have to see the doctor shortly for my weekly consultation. Have also had my blood taken too, joy another weekly occurrence.... There is more of my blood in labs round Manchester than there is in me I think. All for my own benefit though so can't complain.

Steve x

Sent via the Trouble BlackBerry®

Odd Week

Well its only Tuesday but its already been a funny old week.

With the costumes being slowly sold and visits to the post office now
becoming a daily basis. This is making the new normal for me.

This is one thing I am finding strange, my life has changed dramatically, I
used to be all focused around work on a 9 to 5 basis and then my other jobs
around that. It's now completely different, having to fit in a little bit of
work every day for the office, I have treatment to fit into my day, tablets
to take, calls to make for various appointments etc. It's really odd but I
don't know how my old life actually fitted together.

The problem with my treatment and such is my attention span is shorter than
normal and my short term memory is completely shot. I have to wrote lists of
things to do, or put dates in my diary so that I remember things. By having
structure in my day I'm overcoming all these issues.

The other odd thing I have seen this week is the pictures of Jayne, who came
up with her partner at the weekend.

Mark decided to do her with a Drag makeover, and it was odd seeing someone
wearing my costumes, generally I wouldn't share them with anyone else, but
now that they are being sold its no longer an issue, it's still odd though,
and will be more odd when I see pictures of other artists wearing them.

The other odd thing about the weekend is being centric around my medication,
the day now runs around my meds, and I have to take a few... I'm constantly
watching the clock so that I know when to take them, I used to just take a
Paracetomol every so often when needed and then only when I had the time.
Its strange how the structure of my life has changed.

One other thing I have discovered since I have come out of hospital, and
it's not a bad thing really is I have discovered now have a little OCD for
washing my hands, every time I walk through the kitchen, or past the
bathroom i wash my hands, I used to use a lot of the alcohol hand wash in
the office, but I'm now getting progressively worse. It's not something I am
worried about as it's a good thing, but something I must be aware of, have
let other people know too so that they can monitor it around me.

Oh well me and my little OCD are off to be, and I promise to keep a much
more regular update on here, would be interesting to see if after hospital
visits anyone has experienced an OCD coming on? Let me know if you do,

Steve x

Treatment day 3

Well today is treatment day three, and still no side affects which is good.
Normal life is resuming as normal as It can anyway.

We have been planning the next few weeks of my treatmnt too so that we can
work it into our life, its has been decided that im going to have the
treatment later in the day so that at least Mark can at least to work for
the majority of the day, and I can have a normal ish day working at home, it
also allows me to put structure into the week as well as thats the one thing
I have lost over the last two months.

I'm so glad that I am not suffering sickness from the Chemo, as I can
handle being ill, but I cant do being sick.

This weekend has been great as friends of ours have been up from Norfolk,
and they have been a real tonic, like with Last weekend, it changes
everything it takes theh Cancer Element out of the day and makes it a normal
day.

Nothing much else to wrote today, as its just beeb a nice day with friends,
doing nice things. Thats how I wish to continie and just fit my treatment
into the day.

Steve x

Mega Update

Well I didn't do an update as I had loads on, and then friends came over
too.

Yesterday was the first day of my treatment.

I now have to take close 20 tablets a day as you have seen from the
photographs,

<http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=5779854&id=580802044>
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs892.snc4/72523_445171857044_58
0802044_5779823_1566916_n.jpg

The radiotherapy went without a hitch, although the appoitment was much
longer than I axpected as she run through absolutely everything. She has
said that my subsiquent treatments will be much quicker as it will be a case
if turn up, get clipped in and get zapped.

The chemo also started on Friday, which consists of 5 tablets.

The only problem with Chemo is the sickness. So I take an anti sickness
tablets as well. The sickness was the main worry of mine as I donr do being
sicl. Luckily I havent had any sickness on either Friday or Sunday.

The only problem is the headaches. Ever since I have come off the steroids I
have had progressively worsening headaches, and have been taking painkillers
to combat them, this has now been combatted as they have put be back onth a
small dose, and they have halped dramatically.

I have also been told that I have to drink lots more water as this will
combat the fatigue that I will start to feel over the course of my
treatment, so my new man-bag accessory is a sports bottle of water.

Other than that its been a normal weekend we have been shopping with friends
who have come up from Norfolk for the weekend.

Will update again tomorrow.

Steve

Normality has started to return..... For today at least

Well today has been a semi normal day for me, I have even made an appearance
in the office for a couple of hours. Which for me was nice as I have started
to claim back my normal life.

I didn't actually get much achieved in the office but I was there...

There has been no hospital today for me (Mark had to go though for me to
pick up my medication.

The medication, although only small, is probably the most important set of
tablets that I will ever take, as they are my Chemo tablets, I don't know
what I was expecting of the tablets but they look just like any other
tablet, I was expecting them to come in a special box or something, but they
don't. Picture is attached.

There is also a few other tablets that I have to take with the Chemo
tablets. First Is the anti sickness drug as Chemo can cause sickness. There
is also a antibiotic tablet as my immune system is compromised whilst on the
treatment, hence why the last few weeks I have been taking immune boosting
medication.

The rest of the day has been spent having lunch with a friend who came over
from Sheffield. It was nice to meet up with them as I don't see them often,
but was also nice to go out and do "Normal Things"

Other than that, it's been a normal day, and as the advert for Macmillan
says "Today hasn't been all about Cancer"

I'm still having the headaches though from the Steroid drug, this was
discussed with the doctors yesterday and they say this is a common side
effect for when you're coming off the drug,, I been off it a week now so
should be stopping pretty soon. Although they may put m back on them when
the Radiotherapy kicks in...

At least all these drugs are keeping me here, so it's a little price to pay
for extra time with the people I love. And as I keep telling Mark, I have no
plans to go anywhere yet as I have a list of things I still need to do.

Right bedtime for me as it's a full day tomorrow.

Steve x

Another Trip to Christies

Well hello my Blogettes (is that what you are if you read other peoples
blogs?

Today has actually been a good day, and relatively fun. Have spent the whole
day with Mark, and a large part of it was spent at Christies.

First was my wig appointment, which was really odd for me, as naturally she
assumed that being only 31 and male that I would have never worn a wig
properly before (oh how I laughed inside) and was trying to tell me how wigs
were made, how they were based and blah blah blah, I would have loved to
tell her that I have over 100 wigs in the dressing room of every conceivable
shape and colour, but I didn't and she promptly started putting these wigs
on my head.

I have chosen something that's close to my natural style and colour, and
need to go for another fitting in the next week or so, which is lucky as of
next week, I will be attending the hospital every day Monday to Friday for
my Radiotherapy treatment.

One thing I would like to say to you guys is thanks for all your positive
comments and messages, I have people who I don't even know now sending me
messages saying that the blog is an inspiration and it is giving them the
willpower to keep going. That means a lot, and sounds like I am blowing my
own trumpet, but if what I am doing with this blog is helping others then it
makes it even better.

The only downside of today is the headache I have had since Friday. The
downside of coming off the steroids that I have been on since I was admitted
to hospital, I am effectively having withdrawal symptoms and the headache is
part and parcel of this, luckily they are decreasing every day and I should
be free of them in the next few days, however the radiotherapy can cause
headaches so I may have to go back on them again....

Oh well never mind.

Tomorrow I have said I would like to go to the office and say hello to all
the guys, as two of them leave on Friday and I know I will be busy with my
treatment then so would like to wave them off as they have been a great
team. That and it gets me out of the house and back into a normal swing of
things.

Right am going to sign off and head off to bed with a DVD, I will probably
be asleep before the opening credits roll but I do that anyway so no change
there then.

TTFN

Steve x

Another day, another step closer

Well today has been a bit of a mixed bag of a day.

Mark has been in work all day so have been Home Alone.... which although I
have been occupied has lead me to thinking, not something I am good at, at
the best of times but with everything else going on I think about the wrong
things.

I sadly worked out that the 12-18 months prognosis I have given takes me to
March of 2012, that's one month before my 33rd Birthday which really got to
me. As I would like to get to a ripe old age. This on top of other things
has really got me down today, even though I have been putting on a brave
face and carrying on as normal.

By aim then is simple to celebrate my 33rd birthday. I might even throw
myself a party, your all invited.

I really dont want to write any more today as I feel so down, I even burst
into tears earlier with Mark, have now sold a few of my costumes through the
shop, and although I see it as a business transaction, its like selling off
the posetions of a dead relative or friend, something that is such a big
part of me is now nolonger. People have tried to keep me positive about this
but it still hurts to see them go.

Anyway am going to go and try and get some sleep, another day omorrow,
another day im going to sand up and fight.

Positivity

Steve x

Back to normality

Well it was back to normal late yesterday and so didn't have the time nor
the energy write a blog. It was just so nice to go away this weekend have no
mobile phone or internet (even though they were there if we needed them -
and I used it briefly on the Saturday) The rest of the time it was switched
off.

I have come back now and Mark has started decorating the small lounge which
to be fair is almost done all the painting and papering is now done, he's
worked bloody hard in there today whilst I have been entertaining guests.

A friend from Israel also came to see me (and other people as well) which
was nice as I haven't seen him in about 2 years.

One thing that struck me today was one of my friends asked me after a fly
comment I made as to how I can stay so positive and almost trivialise the
fact I gave a life limiting illness (I don't think of it as terminal, its
life limiting, it depends how you think about it, and like my Uncle says
Asthma is life limiting, so anything is possible)

My simple response was if I let this thing eat me up, and get to me then it
will make me ill (both physically and mentally) By keeping positive and in
some ways trivialising it then it doesn't get to me. It sounds wrong to say
that I trivialise my illness but to me it's a self defence mechanism. It
would be interesting to find out how other people handle things.

The rest of the week appears to be pretty straight forward with a final
fitting for my mask on Wednesday afternoon and a wig fitting. Then my
treatment starts hopefully on the Friday. The only thing I am not looking
forward to wit the treatment is the chemo sickness. This is something that
not everyone gets but is a common side effect, knowing my luck I will be
sick, so again that's another medication that I will have to take to
counteract the chemo.

All the other treatments have their issues but I know that I have to put up
with these, however sickness is not something I am good with, and I turn
into a right moaning ld goat...

The one issue I have got at the moment is my scar in my head, its itchy as,
people keep telling me this is a good sign of it healing well, I know this I
can feel this, but its driving me wild.

Oh well, must sign off I have eBay to check for random items, ever since I
have been at home I have been trawling eBay for the most random things, and
then watch them to see how much they go for, I have watched everything from
ice machines to CCTV system. I need more things to occupy my time I think.

Steve x

A little bit of france

Whilst out enjoying the fresh air in Darlington. We have been brought to the Bowes Museum a french style chateau that was built to house the Bowes collection of fine antiquities. Unfortunately it was never finished and is now only parr used as a museum the rest is used as office space. Unfinished and unseen. Such a shame. Picture is front entrance.

That's one hell of a front door.

Steve x
Sent via the Trouble BlackBerry®

Away

Well its official. Am sat in the car off up to Darlington for a getaway. A friend of ours lives up there and insisted that we spend the weekend with him. There has been lots of offers of visits and stays from people which is really touching.

The next few weeks are going to fly by with visitors. ,ext week we have friends from Norfolk and then the weekend after its the visit of my sister.

My treatment starts on the 22nd of this month. My final fitting and dry run for the Radiotherapy is on the 20thn so again another busy week at the Christies.

Also on the 20th I go for the first of my wig fittings. Now if you have seen any of my recent pictures you will know my hair is the longest its been in years. This will change when treatment starts though and I have said that I will cut my own hair off rather than see it fall out. It was a good friend of mine (and my drag sister) that said when someone he knew had cancer and was having Chemo they had to cut their own hair off as part of their own mindset. This made sense to me and will be following the same process.

Back to a shaved head for me then, just a little shorter....

The wig isn't for the hair issues! Its more to do with my scar which I can feel is still very prominent, and whilst being at the hospital have also seen a few other scars.

The wig simply gives me the option to go out and be unnoticed . Unlike the day after I came out of hospital and someone noticed the staples in the back of my head and said to their partner that it was minging. I chose not to say anything because I didn't want the hassle but Mark said that if he had heard it he would have had something to say. I just don't need the stress and frankly I can't be bothered dealing with other peoples issues. The wig sorts that problem out.

Anyway I'm about to fall off the end of the earth (as far as mobiles and texting etc go) so better sign off and send this. Will have to see if I can fine a Ye Olde Internet Shop to update from over the weekend. Or I could just write them on my Blackberry and send them when am back in the wifi world....

Will see what happens. Stay positive guys and remember to spread a little infection. Smiling is infectious, and is one bug we could all do with having in our system.

Steve x
Sent via the Trouble BlackBerry®

Wedding Aniversary

<http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/blog-buddies.html>
http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/images/btb_badge.jpg

Hi Guys.

Today has been a good day, not just because I feel good but because its also
a milestone for me. It's my 4th wedding anniversary with Mark.

I have also been added as a BT Buddies Blogger, and had a couple of messages
from people that have said they are following my blog, its nice knowing that
my positivity is rubbing off on others.

Both me and Mark said yesterday that we hadn't got a card for each other as
it didn't matter. But today he came home from work and he's got me a card
and a present. I feel guilty that I haven't got him anything but he said
just being me and being here s good enough.

He also bought me the sign that we saw the other day in TK Maxx its now
going to be displayed proudly somewhere in the house. It's my official new
slogan, if anyone wants to share it with me then feel free, if you email me
I will even send you a copy of the picture (I could even be technical and
scan it...)

Today has also been a busy day on my shops on Facebook. Since my diagnosis,
I have decided with the support of Mark that I am going to retire from the
cabaret circuit. When I get the all clear and am in remission I will be back
though... so be warned)

As a way of clearing out we are selling all our costumes and accessories, we
will buy new at a later date.

Some people may think that I am being very optimistic with all this but it's
this optimism that keeps me going. There are people out there that have
beaten the GBM and the prognosis of 12-18 months. I intend to be one of
these people.

If anyone would like to become my friend on Facebook and keep updated with
what am doing please search for Enid Whiplash
http://www.facebook.com/enid.whiplash or look out for Mark (Bobbie Dazzler)
http://www.facebook.com/enid.whiplash#!/bobbiedazzler and let us know you're
from BT Buddies or from our blog, it's always nice to know the people out
there.

Tomorrow were off to a friends in Darlington for a quiet weekend away. It
will be nice to get out away from the house and just be normal, or as normal
as I will ever be lol. Our friend has planned a few things that are not too
strenuous as he is aware of the situation.

Well will update more over the weekend.

Steve x

Fitting and tests, and TK Maxx

Well, today was my fitting for my mask in readiness for my Radiotherapy.

The mask loos very odd

<http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=5713040&id=580802044>
http://sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc4/hs831.snc4/69115_441082577044_58
0802044_5718122_6902619_n.jpg

It lools rather odd, but is basically there to hold my head still during the
treatment. I have to just switch off and let them do what they want to do.

The three appoitnents I had today were to ensure that the mask was the
correct size, and also to mark where they are going to apply the
Radiotherapy beams, so now it has lots of crosses and measurments on it. The
doodles obviously mean something to someone..

I also mad an appoitment at the wig room for next Wednesday too.

I have been told I may end up going bald, I may only go bald on select
patches. So having a wig will give me the option of having a full head of
hair if I want to go out. - will be odd for me to wear a wig without the
whole getup of miss whiplash on as well.

I was also contacted today by someone on facebook who has a family member
who has just been told they have to go for tests for somethin gin their
head, like I did at the start of September.

This is a hard thing to discuss for anyone, and having been there and been
told the worst news I do feel for them, the waiting is awful.

The only advice I could give them was to be POSITIVE, there is noting else
you can do. Being positiveis to me is the most important thing I can do, and
those around me can do. If im positive in my mind, then im hoping that my
body will follow suit.

We found a poster in a shop and it sums up exactly how I feel

It's a comedy slogan, but it actually touched me and is basically how I
feel. Team Steve is standing up ready to fight this thing.

Anyway, today has been a good day and tomorrow is going to be better.

Anyone that wants to drop me a line please do so, all I can offer is a
positive comment and any adice that I have picked up along the way.

Steve

It gets better

Today got better.

After last nights little breakdown I managed to sleep, and wake this morning
with a few thoughts, but I have had things t do today and therefore I have
managed to have a positive day overall.

I have had a conversation with my mum and with mark about things that need
to be discussed, and even though we didn't discuss anything its proven
something to me that I am capable of having that conversation. So in the
next few weeks there will be conversations had that I wouldn't normally like
to have, if you get my drift.....

In other areas of my life, I managed to do a couple of hours work for my
office job, which left me positive. And have managed to do a little work on
the shop with mark, it's all on Facebook at the moment but will slowly go
onto the website too.

The shop is working really well and gives me something to focus on, which is
good as my attention span is shocking at the moment, for example I walked to
the post office, which is only at the end of my road, to post a letter and
have some passport photos done.

I posted the letter and was only when I returned home that I realised I
hadn't had my pictures done, so I had to walk back down again, which left me
tired. Never mind....

Notebooks and "To Do" lists are becoming an important part of my life I have
to write it down otherwise I forget about it immediately. So with a Job, a
shop, hospital visits and general day to day things to do, I write it down.
I just have to remember where I wrote stuff down as I have a few lists...

Anyway its late, and am tired so am off to bed.

Full afternoon in Hospital tomorrow for various appointments relating to my
mask etc.

Will update again tomorrow - its on my list of things to do...

Steve x

Today is just one of those days

Last night in bed I realised a few small things, and it was hard for me to
accept.

As much as I am prepared to stand up and fight this illness, it may get the
better of me. Obviously I am willing to try anything to give me the extra
time.

Last night though like I said was hard, the small things like I may not see
my 33rd birthday, I may not see next Christmas. There is lots I would like
to do, I have always wanted to go to Lapland for example, but these seem
trivial now, but I still want to do them to say that I have done them

I will admit it hurt deep inside, the fact that I may leave this earth and
all those that I love around me, Mark, My parents all four of them and my
brother. The hardest thing will be the goodbye, I wouldn't want them to see
me in pain or suffering.

I also have to go and tell another family member today that I am ill, but my
Gran is 86 and the whole thing would make her worry so much, it would make
her very ill, so for her sake and my sake too in a way I am only going to
give her a portion of the truth, which is harder than telling her everything
as it's like a lie.

Its days like today when I could easily just stay in bed and just ignore the
day, but that is admitting defeat, and am not prepared to do that.

The best way I can cope with this is to get on with the rest of my life no
matter how long I have got and just sort those things out that I need to do,
and unfortunately today and the mood I am in I have looked at funerals. Not
something I would like to ever plan for myself but I want it to be right,
and will sit down with Mark in a few weeks when I have looked at options as
untimely it will be him that has to carry out my last wishes, I just hope
that these wishes don't have to be executed for a long while but they still
need to be made.

Anyway, have things to do and sort, so will update again later on how my
mood is going. I'm keeping positive and need to go for my daily walk so that
should blow some cobwebs out my head.

Steve x

Another day

Well today has been yet another good day, things have gone well and we have
managed to get a lot done. We bought the paint for our lounge. We were going
to start decorating the lounge before I was taken into hospital but then for
obvious reason that was put on a back burner., however now that am feeling
relatively OK we have decided to decorate the lounge, as its somewhere I
will be spending a lot of time when my treatment kicks in.

It's nice to be able to go out and buy all the relevant bits and pieces
needed, although I am tired now as we have traipsed around a few different
shops.

Like I said yesterday, I'm not going to allow the issues of my illness to
get to me, there will be plenty of occasions over the forthcoming weeks
whilst I'm in the middle of treatment for me to feel down so whilst I am fit
and able am also going to be positive and upbeat.

I have also started on an regime of Immune system boosting vitamins etc
today, as the Chemo will lower my Immune System whilst I'm on them, this
along with my Swine Flu and my Flu jabs I'm preparing for everything, that
and I have had all the relevant Jabs for India, so i have a fighting chance
of not getting Yellow Fever.....

Friends came over today which was nice, they are a lively bunch and really
brought a smile to my face, it's in time like these that friends really do
become important, and if your reading this I would just like to say thanks
you all.

Anyway am re-watching Harry Potter, so am going to just relax this evening
and miss the end of the film.

Steve x

Sleeping In

Today has been a great day, what we have seen of it anyway as we didn't get
up till almost 12... It was actually nice to have a sleep in as the last fw
weeks its been very little sleep and up really early. So today was back to a
semi normal state for us too.

Haven't really done much this afternoon either as I did quite a bit of
walking yesterday so am pretty tired, so have had a lazy day.

This evening my parents came over and we had a nice dinner the 6 of us. We
had the great traditional meal Curry, Mark manages somehow just to throw
loads of things together and come up with a really nice meal. I suppose
that's another reason why I love him so much.

Other than I haven't actually done much today. Like the Macmillan advert
says, today wasn't all about cancer. In fact that hasn't even entered my
head today, other than talking to my parents about the mask prep I did the
other day.

Tomorrow is another day, let's see what that can throw at me. I'm ready.

Steve x

Today has been a good day

Today has been a good day, and I have actually been in a god mood.

I did some work this morning from home, I quite enjoy working from home and
was actually at my desk well before 9am, maybe I should have worked from
home years ago...

At lunch I had to set off to Christies for Day three of my treatment
preparations.

I wasn't in the hospital very long, just one simple scan and I was away. I
then travelled independently into town, this is something I don't tend to do
of late and have always been accompanied by somebody, normally Mark. From
the bus in town I strolled through the Arndale waiting to meet Mark who was
already in town. It was nice to just be able to go free, but also odd. My
whole perception about shopping has now changed and material things are no
longer important. I used to be able to look in shops for hours but I
couldn't be bothered today.

This evening we went to Ikea to look for a light for our lounge, we ended up
buying candles and a plant. The plant is an orchid and was a gift from a
friend.

Were back home now and I'm pushing out the boat and having a drink, Fresh
orange and Lemonade.... Never mind it's all good for me, this is the start
of a whole new Steve.

Will update tomorrow

Steve

Another day over

Well another day of sorting things out is over.

Day two at Christies is over too, and I will be back there again tomorrow.
Not that I knew about it, it wasn't until late this evening that I found out
when I got home I have another MRI scan tomorrow.

I have then got three appointments there on Tuesday of next week for the
various stages of my mask fitting.

I started the fitting today for my mask, which is a longer process than I
thought but was OK. I was very anxious about having the mould made of my
face, but It was actually a strangely relaxing process, kind of like having
a facial or a face mask. If I was left there any longer I would have gone to
sleep.

After this we went to make an appointment at the Wig fitting room, I know I
am going to be losing my hair so I thought I would make the arrangements
now, as although I do wear my hair short normally, I will be very conscious
that I will be losing it all and I will be left with my scar on the side of
my head from the surgery. At least if I have it here I have the option of
wearing it out or not.

That's the main problem with this whole illness, it takes away a lot of your
choices. By fighting it, and stepping up to the challenge I can achieve
things though and am able to regain these choices, as with the wig.

The picture enclosed is the final part of the mask application, this is the
full mould completed. This is then taken and made into the mask.

Will Update more on tomorrows scan, which as far as I can tell is pretty
much a routine thing,

Steve

Flu

Well today is my second visit to Christie's. However this morning I have been chasing a flu jab for both me and Mark. Were currently on our way to have our Swine Flu jabs. We have to have these first and then the normal flu jab 4 weeks later. All this because my immune system is compromised during my treatment.

Its all hectic but its keeping me occupied which is good.

I even did a couple of hours work this morning. The system is really slow but I just set the reports off and basically let it run, that isn't a problem as it can just do its own thing and Meesha collects the printouts in the office. Pure teamwork.

So far a good day.

Will update later.

Steve x
Sent via the Trouble BlackBerry®

1st Visit to Christies Hospital

Today was the first of many visits for me to the Christies Hospital in
Manchester.

Pretty much a routing visit, I had blood tests done, which have been told
will be a weekly occurrence, and also signed the paperwork to allow my
tumour to be sent to Belgium for testing. They have offered me the
possibility of being put onto a trial Drug, This will be alongside my other
treatment.

My Tumour has to be tested to see if I fit the profile of the trial, and
they have said that there is a 40% chance that I will fit it. To me this is
still 40% more of a chance than I had yesterday.

Have also started working from home today. There were a few IT issues but
these are now solved, so im back up and running, which is good for me as it
gives me something I can focus on and occupy my time. I will not become an
ill person and sit and watch daytime TV.

Back to the Hospital tomorrow for my first appoitment for my mask to be made
in readyness for my Radiotherapy. I'm not perticulaly looking forward to
this part of the treatment as I dont like my face being covered, but its
something I have to do so will have to put up with it, I will ask if I can
wear my ipod and just zone out - Mark will be with me though so I should be
OK. I have to wear this mask every time I have the Radiotherapy which will
be for 30 sessions (Monday to Friday for 6 weeks)

I Have also been told that I will lose my hair, hence all the hats im
buying. I'm being practical and fun at the same time. I will be losing my
hair in winter so its going to be cold, I dont know how I feel about losing
my hair becaise I wear it short anyway nirmally, but iut now hasnt been cut
for about 2 motnhs and its getting pretty long, and am slowly becoming
attached to it. Having the choice removed will be the hardest part, but in
saying this I have said as soon as it starts to fall out because of the
treatment, I will be shaving it off (or Mark will at least).

Well am going to sign off now and say a quick thanks to all the people that
have sent me positive messages both on Facebook and email etc. It really
does mean a lot to me and its these positive things that are keeping me
going.

Steve x

5th October 2010

Today has been a good day.

I haven't cried today. I used to have a poster on my wall that said "Laugh
and the whole world laughs with you, Cry and you get wet"

How true. I know some of you will be thinking that crying is all part of
healing process, and am sure your right it probably is, but I don't intend
to do any more, I'm just going to be positive.

Other good news is Mark has found stories of other GBM sufferers who were
also given the same prognosis as myself. There are a couple on there that
have so far lived for over 20, so there is hope for me.

Everyone around me is positive too, which is a real boost.

I also got a phone call from Christies today for the first of my
appointments for my Mask for my Radiotherapy. This is to ensure that when
they are administering the radio waves, it is directed to the exact place
every time. I'm not looking forward to this part of the treatment as I don't
like my face being covered, but sometimes you just have to live with it, and
this is one of those occasions.

So this week I'm at Christies Wednesday for my Oncology appointment and
Thursday for the first of the mask fittings, so a busy week for me.

The other good thing that's happened today is that my office has installed a
Pc in my house. I can actually return to some kind of normality, albeit
working from home. As my sleep patterns are slightly deranged at the moment
I will be able to do a few hours work throughout the day and still feel like
I am involved in the office. Some of you may think I am mad wanting to go
back to but it's the time off that's actually making me ill. That and I just
can't face watching endless chavs on Jeremy Kyle and whatever other
programs. I don't even switch the TV on in the morning.

Anyway am going to sign off as it's been a long day and am actually tired -
even though I did have an almost three hour nap this afternoon.

Till tomorrow

Steve

x

Sunshine

Somebody somewhere is smiling on me. I decided yesterday that today was
going to be the first day of the rest of my life. If I think I want to do
that I am going to do it, if I want to buy and wear a big floppy hat, then
that's what I am going to do.

Today I woke up to a nice frosty morning with clear blue skies. Something I
love.

There is only one way from here and that's onwards and upwards.

Right Walking boots on, we got places to go, people to see, and mischief to
cause along the way, who's coming with me, the more the merrier.

Steve x

Today is better

Today has been a much nicer day than yesterday. Its been a much more normal
day. After Mark delivering the news to my parent yesterday of my prognosis I
felt like shit and just wanted to end the day as soon as I could.

Today though has been different. Nothing can ever change what has been said
and such but, but I can work towards a positive day.

Today was the first of those positive days, my mum came down to the house
and the three of us went shopping. Today has become my hat day. As I know I
am going to be losing my hair I have decided that I will wear a hat whenever
I need - going out and such so want a range of hats, Mark has even decided
that he is going to make me one, even my brother said he is going to get me
one from his Army camp, I have a funny feeling though that I am going to be
inundated with hats of all kinds.....

Who knows hats may even become my signature item, it works for Boy
George....

The other realisation I had today is that I need to be be positive and that
I need to start living, therefore 4th October 2010 is the first day of the
rest of my life, it sounds corny, but I dont give a shit. The doctors have
said on average I have 12-18 months, but I want to prove them wrong, as much
as I respect them I want to rubish these figures and fight this illness and
give them a whole new set of figures to play with.

Sorry Doc, but on this ocasion I think your wrong, and am going to prove it.

Other positive things today is I actually havent cried today. Its been the
smallest things that set me off but today, because of the good times we have
had I feel good.

I would like to just say a big thanks to the friends that have sent me
messages on Facebook and privately, they really have lifted me and Mark.

Will update on the first day of my life tomorrow. As our website says, hang
on in there its going to be a bumpy ride and lots of action along the way...

Steve

Results update

Well I said I would write more this weekend so here goes. This is probably
the most difficult post I have ever written, it seems to be usual for me of
late, there's been a lot of difficult things for me to do and times for me
to endure over the past month, I have got through each of them in no small
part due to the love and support of those around me which includes those
friends Mark, (Bobbie Dazzler) and I have online, some we have never met and
others we rarely see.

If you've been following you will know I was admitted to hospital 8th
September following the discovery of a growth behind my left eye. On 15th
Sept I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and on 22nd I underwent major brain
surgery to have it removed. Following removal the diseased tissue has been
analysed and I was invited to the hospital this week to learn the results on
Weds 29th Sept.

The anticipation of Wednesdays result has been very stressful for both Mark
and I, the uncertainty, the fear and the simple "what if" when your mind
thinks of what this could be.

On Wednesday my worst fears came true. I have been diagnosed with a fairly
rare form of Brain Tumor, a Glioblastoma Multiforme (GBM) or Grade 4 brain
Tumor. It's malignant and very aggressive, there is no cure and my
condition is terminal. The prognosis is not good. I can't begin to explain
how this has shattered our world and that of those around us.

Many of you will have seen facebook updates from Mark (Bobbie Dazzler)
advising we have now retired from stage, with just a few exceptions we have
been overwhelmed by messages of support and good wishes. This post will
probably explain those posts more clearly.

We have not posted this before as My parents have been abroad and were not
aware of my condition, I wanted to see them and tell them personally before
they found out from those around us and them.

I will receive treatment which will commence within 3 or 4 weeks, I will
receive radiotherapy and chemotherapy on a daily basis, this cannot cure me
but may help extend the time I have by fighting off the disease a little
longer.

I am sorry that this may make uncomfortable reading, it's not nice to write
either but, I don't want people to make their own assumptions or guesses and
don't need an outpouring of pity, I want to enjoy the time I have. In
saying that I am really encouraged and touched by the messages received for
both Me and Mark, they really mean a lot.

I will update more in the next few days, please keep reading, it's nice
knowing you're out there.

Xxx Steve - Enid Whiplash

Update

I haven't updated the blog for a few days as it's been a strange few days.
I'm writing it all down and will post it on line in the next few days.

The best thing is though that I have had my staples out though and I have
managed to wash my hair - bonus because I was starting to feel like a chip
pan.

Just A quickie

Just a quick update for today.

I'm off to the Hospital at 12pm for the results of my biopsy.

Obviously I'm hoping for a good result but know that there are other results
out there. Either way I'm gearing up for a fight.

Last night in bed was the first real time that I have broken down completely
and cried. Mark had fallen asleep and I was just allowed to think about
things on my own, and the whole thing just got to me and I ended up sobbing
uncontrollably with a whole host of feelings whizzing round my head. Mark
woke up though and managed to calm me down. He has been really nice and calm
through the whole situation. This is good, as most of it has just simply
passed me by in a whirlwind.

I will update later when I get my results.

And the results are.....

Well I have just had the phone call I have been both waiting for and not
wanting to receive.

It's the call from the hospital to tell me my appointment for the results of
the Biopsy.

I'm booked in at 12pm tomorrow with my Surgeon. After this meeting I will
know for definite what I am up against.

The call has really made it sink home now everything that is happening as
this is both the beginning of something and the end of all the waiting -
it's been the longest 3 weeks of my life. And I don't mind admitting here
that I am actually shit scared about tomorrow.

I didn't do a Blog yesterday as I had a relatively normal day and dint want
to do anything illness related like writing in here. I did some crafting in
the afternoon and then Mark took me for a walk in the park for fresh air.
Only half an hour though as I get tired very quickly. We were on the lookout
for Conkers but didn't see any at all - we were going to scatter them round
the dressing room to try and detract spiders, as apparently they don't like
them and avoid going near them, so though why not give it a natural go.

Today I have been attempting to put stock on Facebook, with very little
results, as I don't have the pictures so will have to get Mark doing some
photography. Will be done at the weekend now I presume.

I have been looking at other stock lines though so not a wasted day.

As for the rest of the day, I'm just going to try and not think about
tomorrow and take it easy.

Who knows I may even do another update.

Steve

Update 26/9/10

Well hello Guys, it's been a few days since I done this so I better be quick
and make sure I get it done within today's 24 hours.

The last few days have been a little whirlwind for me, with lots going in
both in and out of the hospital.

I was actually discharged from the Hospital at around 4pm on Friday
afternoon, as I was seen as fit and able to come home. This involved a
number of people doing various tests on me, one of which I had to make toast
and coffee for the Occupational Therapist, now I make poor coffee at the
best of times but when faced with a cheap powder coffee and only a large
table spoon to make it with, it was very poor, the toast was ok though so
that was that one passed.

There was also a number of vision and perception tests to complete, but
again I was seen as fit.

That all happened back on Friday and I was glad to be back home in my own
bed again that evening, although it was strange as our bedroom was so dark
and quiet, I couldn't sleep much as the surroundings were odd.

Saturday was an emotional day for me too. Both Mark and myself have made the
realisation that Trouble won't be making an appearances for the next couple
of months and so we have both made the decision to pack away the dressing
room to preserve the costumes that are in there, it was something we needed
to do anyway as it was getting very full, but we have done it now, and it
was like going through the belongings of an old friend - I knew the memories
attached to each item.

It's done now, and all there so that we can go back to it when I'm fighting
fit, which is sooner rather than later as a point of reference, a couple of
people have said it but you can't lee an old queen down, and this queen
doesn't intend to stay down for long.

That afternoon though I was tired and had to have a nap, this is one
unfortunate side effect of what I'm going through at the moment, I get tired
very quickly, and find that nod off easy.

Today has been a nice day as I have spent it all with Mark, both just been
doing our own thing, Mark is doing crafts again and I have been tapping away
on my Laptop, I find that my attention span wanes after a short time, so I
have a few things that I swap between to keep me engrossed.

Today I have also started to focus on Drag Queen Superstore, as that was
going really well before I took ill and has unfortunately suffered, It's
also something I can focus on to keep my mind occupied, and is something
Mark is happy to help me with so again we can do it together. I'm sure you
will see a few messages from me if you are on my Facebook group. If you are
not then look me up under Enid Whiplash.

Well until tomorrow as I'm off to bed as I had a nap earlier...

Steve

Today's update

Well I'm going to do my first blog since I went under the knife.

Yesterday was all very speedy and I was in hospital for 7am all ready to be sent to surgery first off. I was sent down to the anaesthetic room just before 8.30. And I was on my merry way to sleep not much long after that.

I was next aware of time when it was about 1pm but I have been told that it was just a 11.30 when I wanted to get a message to mark that everything was ok.

I was linked to various tubes and monitors overnight which made sure I had as little sleep as possible. Every time I moved my alarms went off.. Thankfully they are gone now and the beeping has stopped...

I have been moved off the monitoring ward and onto a general ward, which again is another good sign for me. Just have the usual four hour checks of blood pressure and such.

At least they have now stopped asking me what day it is now though and who the king or queen is... Now I know who the queen is that's simple. But as for knowing the date! I haven't got a clue at the best of times never mind when am full of pain relief drugs. But I can gladly report that I managed to get it right so no problems there either. Who knows whilst they were in there they might have corrected my problems with dates as well and I will always know date it is...

Its lunch time now on the ward and am actually looking forward to lunch as all have had so far is tea and toast and a sandwich yesterday. (That and a load of miniature hero's)

At least the operation hasn't effected my appetite.

My head bandage will be coming off after lunch too which should again ease some of the pressure. So the picture of the Turbanator mark posted yesterday will be a thing of the past. The surgeon has said that the scar is going to be very minimal so shouldn't show under my hair.

Ok well I'm going to sign off now and update in a bit. Might have a nap after lunch as I do feel tired. That's one unfortunate side effect of head surgery...

Later guys

The Turbanator - Steve

Sent via the Trouble BlackBerry®

Well this is going to be my last blog post for a few days now, as I'm all
packed and ready for the hospital tomorrow morning.

I have to be in the surgical admittance lounge by 7am (sounds like a
departure lounge to me) but not such an easy flight going forward.

Basically check in, get prepped, and then it's a rollercoaster of
anaesthetic and operating theatres for me - not that I will know what's
going on as I will be fast asleep thinking of some strange exotic place - Do
you dream when they put you out?

I am actually quite nervous now of tomorrow and just want to get it all over
and done with, friends came over tonight and the enormous realisation
actually hit me of what is happening tomorrow. It's not just an operation,
this is possibly the biggest thing will happen to me, which now looking at
it scares me. I know I keep saying I have the easiest job going forward from
here, but I know that's not the truth.

No more food or drink for me from midnight, which isn't a problem because I
don't think I could face anything.

Off to bed now as need to be up early. Luckily Mark will drive me there in
the morning (its only round the corner though) just think it will be a
strange time.

Well guys wish me luck and I will update when I next can, Mark has said he
will update before then though.

Steve

Update

Well folks, just a quick update on little old me. Today hasn't been the best of days, I think the drugs and everything else are playing with my emotions and I keep having little tearful spots. I could just say its just me but I know its not. So until all is fine I'm just going to have to accept I may cry over apple juice in Asda.

I also found out today that I will be being admitted to hospital on Wednesday morning. I have to be in the surgical departure lounge at 7am sounds like a holiday plan to me, unfortunately not so simple.

From there I presume I will be prepped and sent down for the surgery, which I have classed as an eviction. For those that are reading this will know I have a Cystic Tumour at the back or my brain, the evil squatte has become known as Clive the clump.

Clive has now officially been served with his eviction for wednesday. If he wants a fight, then so be it that's what he's going to get.

I'm going to try and update0this blog every day when possible and Mark (Bobbie Dazzler) has said he will fill in my off days. I'm going to be honest and say if I feel shit then so be it. But I will also say when am feeling good too.

Just off to a meeting now with my employers to fill them in and then its home to see my mum.

Will update later

Steve aka Whiplash
Sent via the Trouble BlackBerry®

Hospital, Seven sleepless nights

After being admitted on Wednesday 8th September the monitoring and medication continued, there's a few funny stories from Steve's first nights in hospital but they are lengthy, maybe we'll tell you one day...

With no more information on what the growth could be the weekend came and went and Monday 13th September Steve was taken for an MRI scan because this, we were told, would provide more detail for the Doctors to look at.

We were told the Doctors would discuss the results scans at a meeting to be held on Tuesday 14th September and we would then be informed as to the next stage of diagnosis or treatment.

Tuesday came and went without significant progress, we were told the meeting had gone ahead but that the outcome of which would be discussed with us at a different hospital the following day.  the meeting was scheduled for 11.30am and we were to wait.

Another night of worry and anxiety, seven sleepless nights, Mark worrying at home and Steve dealing with the snoring of what sounded like a wart hog convention on the ward.  Meds continued to be administered every 4 hours through the night and the nurse took her observations.

Every phone call Mark received sent his stress levels through the roof, every minute which passed in hospital felt like a lifetime for Steve and, after attending the hospital the week before feeling relatively well, (apart from an annoying headache), Steve now felt weak, tense, exhausted and very depressed,

The following morning, Wednesday 15th September brought more tension and anxiety with the realisation that today we would finally find out what was growing within Steve's head.

A Brain Tumor, from Optician to Hospital....

Well it's been a while sine we wrote and unfortunately it's not really great news.  Steve, aka Enid Whiplash has been diagnosed this week with a brain tumor.  I'll start at the beginning...

For around 2 or 3 weeks he's been complaining of migraines, as you'd expect it was the usual two paracetamol and get on with it, as he was due for an eye test he assumed his prescription needed changing so on Sunday Sept 5th 2010 we both went for an eye test.  The optician noticed irregularities pointing at high blood pressure and referred him back to his GP, writing a letter which we duly delivered to the Dr.

Monday 6th Sept the Dr called to book an appointment so on Tuesday 7th Sept Steve visited the Dr who then referred him to the specialist eye hospital the same afternoon.  We were at the hospital until after 6pm where after many different tests they had decided a CT (CAT) Scan was necessary and that he should return at 10am the following morning (8th Sept).

Following a restless night Steve made his way to the hospital and underwent a CT Scan, the results were immediately sent to the clinic and he was sent there to get the verdict from the scan.  Without hesitation the clinic decided it was necessary to admit Steve to hospital and he was taken direct to the medical assessment unit and then on to the ward.

Medication began very soon after although at this time we were not told what was being treated other than to say there was a "growth" behind the left eye which was 5cm by 3cm and that it was hoped the medication would help shrink the growth whilst  a different pill was administered to combat the side effects of the first pill and a different drug was administered to help reduce the pain. over 20 pills a day has become part of Steve's daily diet....

FW: IMG00054-20100105-1410.jpg

A Winter Wonderland, if your inside, not if you're trying to get into the
office.