Saturday, 21 January 2012

like a bus, you wait for ages then two come at once!!!

well what a busy day it's been. I am exhausted now but I have had a lovely day and am back to thinking being single isn't all that bad. I still hate why I am single but I am getting used to it.

My train into London was early by a few minutes so my faith in rail travel has been restored. Virgin Trains seem to have a better handle on things than trans pennine, just a shame they don't operate more routes!

When I got to london I had a wander around and walked to the Canal Museum. I was there for 9.15 and it didn't open until 10.00 so I made my way back through Camden and on to Piccadilly. I took in some of the sights and shops along the way but I also made a decision on the show I was going to see.

I saw Wicked, it was brilliant! I was a little apprehensive as Steve and I used to perform one of the numbers in the show and the other is the soundtrack to a memorial slideshow a friend did but, tears aside, it was great. It made me laugh and made me cry but all for the right reasons. Steve would have loved it and having him with me, in person, would have been the only thing to make it better.

I walked across London to the theatre but stopped in Leicester Square and also taking time to wander around Covent Garden too. Steve and I had seen one of the street entertainers a while ago, his act hadn't changed!

After the show I walked back across London to the train and am now on the train on my way home. I am completely shattered but it's been worth it, a nice day out with myself!

Till next time...

Sent from my iPad

Time flies and another day trip...

Doesn't time fly when you're having fun. I don't know where this week has gone to, at this rate it will be Christmas again before I know it.

On Monday this week I was back to work, it was OK but a long day, or at least it felt that way. The rest of the week I have had a series of meetings with various individuals and organisations with work and have even managed to squeeze in some training too. Its been very busy which is why it's gone so quick.

On Wednesday and Thursday I went to see friends so it's been good to catch up with a few people I've not seen for a while. Last night, (Friday) I decided to call in to the shops on my way home and return some TV connectors I bought about 2 weeks ago but, on my way I received a call from my Dad saying he was heading to Wales as his Dad was poorly and may not make it through the weekend. My Grandfather is 87 and has been poorly for a while so whilst its still not nice news it's not a huge shock.

My parents set off for Wales when I got home last night so I had the house to myself. Its too big for one person. I made some phonecalls and was also surprised to get a text from a friend inviting me to go on holiday in Egypt. It was nice to be asked and, maybe at another time I'd have accepted but not this time unfortunately. It was still nice to be thought of and asked though.

This morning I have got up early and am en route to London. I have no agenda for London, it might be nice to see a matinee performance later today but I have not planned or booked tickets. I have a short list of shows I might like to see, the list is about 15 long and is mainly musicals, (this amuses me as I learned this week that a friend detests them and doesn't see the point in bursting into song... ) I'm travelling alone so I don't need to consider anyone else. Will this "please myself" attitude make me a selfish person in the end, I don't know.

Well thats my lot for now, no other news to report, I might update tonight on my way home from London and let you know what I ended up doing in London.

Bye for now,
M x

Sent from my iPad

Sunday, 15 January 2012

The Wandering Widower Wanders Some More

Well it"s not been quite so long since my last post which is a bonus I guess as I know some people get a little miffed when I forget or omit to post a blog.

When I wrote last I was feeling a little blue. There are many reasons I guess but the good news is that I have been a lot better since then.

On friday I was later for work. My alarm went off at the right time but I fell asleep again and woke after 9.15. I am usually in the office before 9. Not a great start to the day and, it didn't get a lot better either.

After work I decided to go out and have a wander through the shops. There was nothing I needed but I just fancied a wander. I did manage to get some Issey Miyake aftershave though in one shop which had around £10 off the usual price, bargain! Because it reminds me so much of Steve, it's a favourite anyway and it brings thoughts of happy times I bought some, especially since I had run out of this at Christmas.

Strange thing is though just smelling it takes me, in my mind, to being stood aside Steve's open coffin and gazing down at him. Not perhaps a great thought for many people but it doesn't bother me, I suppose in a way thats not a bad memory because at tat point Steve was no longer in pain of suffering, it was just us suffering and in pain due to his loss. I'll still enjoy wearing the fragrance though.

On Saturday I was up early and out just after 7am to catch a tram in to town for the start of my weekend trip. Whilst buying my ticket and waiting for the machine to spit it out the tram had pulled up behind me and drove off before the machine dispensed my ticket - bugger! I was annoyed at the tram driver who clearly saw me!

There was another along though within 10 minutes so not too long a wait. Some may question why I bought a ticket as nobody really checks but, after the inspectors got on the tram I was on (and were clearly working that line for the day), I was pleased I did. I wouldn't fancy a fine.

My tram pulled in to Piccadilly at 8.26 and my train was due to leave at 8.26... Bugger I thought, the trip in had taken a lot longer than usual as it seemed there were problems due to frost with slow signalling etc.

I had checked the time of the next train en route so had a contingency in mind but, I trotted up to the platform all the same and, by a stroke of luck the train was delayed to 8.34 so I joined the crowd assembled.

To cut a long story short due to signalling issues en route the train didn't leave until 9.10 and then was terminated early for us to get on a rail replacement service between Huddersfield and Leeds then catch a further train to our final destination at Leeds.

The bus which was to collect us at Huddersfield was late, there were hundreds of people there and there was no organisation at all by the station staff, it really was a scramble and each man, woman r child for themselves. We were in the cold for easily 45 minutes which was more than slightly annoying. First Transpennine Rail were shockingly bad.

I eventually got to York almost two hours late. There was no point getting stressed about it as there was nothing I could do and it would be no different had I taken the car and there had been an accident on the motorway but what was bad was how poorly organised the rail company were. A shambles would be an understatement.

Once (finally) delivered to York I met with my friend and we went to Patisserie Valerie for a coffee and cake.

After that we had a wander around the city walls of York and did a little browsing through the many winding streets through the city before stopping for another coffee and snack and then heading back to my friends house for dinner.

Last night was sat and ate a lovely meal and had a good old natter over a bottle of wine and a G&T. We didn't stay up late as we were both zonked from an early start and a tiring day.

Today has really been a lazy day, after a cooked breakfast we just relaxed really and enjoyed not having a busy schedule. It's very relaxing there, in the middle of the countryside it's very quite, no distant hum like I get in the city.

Right now I am in the train home, again it's nice to let someone else drive whilst I sit here and catch up on my blog and generally do very little. I'm signing off for now but will be back soon....

That puts me in mind of a song from Oliver the musical where Fagin sings to the lads, "Cheerio but be back soon..." I can't remember much else but you get the

Bye for now,

Sent from my iPad

Thursday, 12 January 2012

A lump in my throat and a metal heart

I suppose it's funny but it's little things like this that seem to keep me going.

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster, today is definitely a downer though so I hope tomorrow will be on the way up again ready for the weekend.

Work has been odd this week, i have had a few presentations to do offsite and they have been well received, I guess I am managing to put my issues aside and do work stuff and maintain that professional veneer. It's difficult though and I really feel like I am sliding back down that slippery slope I was at the bottom of a few months ago, I am gripping with my fingers to the positives and to the progress I've made but I feel like I'm on the edge and it wont take much to push me over. Right now, I have that horrible feeling in my throat, you know when you're about to cry but you are trying really hard not to? It's been there a while, days or weeks, I'm not sure but this week I am conscious of it.

On Tuesday this week my Mum visited a friend of hers, she and her sister were great with Steve and I throughout his journey and she is still there, making me smile. This week she sent home a little metal heart with my Mum for me, it's next to my hope heart in the picture.

It is very tactile and is very much like the chinese stress balls, it is heavy but hollow and has a chime inside so, as you move it in your hand it chimes, it's lovely and she said I should hold it and make it chime whenever I feel sad and the chime will be like Steve talking to me.... it's so thoughtful. A simple little thing but it made me smile.

I have been reading Steve's blog (it's this blog but from when Steve was writing it not me) from last year, it's interesting to me how we seemed a little naive. Stephen always said he knew the cancer would get him in the end but he was going to give it the run around for 5 or 10 years first. He never doubted that and neither did I. You can imagine the mixed thoughts I have about that right now.

Phew, and I was doing so well last week, I am accepting that I'm single, a widower or single, it means the same thing really. I hate why I am single but being single is OK I guess. I'd rather have Steve here but for now, if I can't have him I would rather be single. I guess this is me re-adjusting to my new "normal".

On another note I am looking forward to the weekend, I am meeting a friend in York on Saturday, I'm travelling up by train so it will be a stress free trip hopefully, we're going to be tourists for the day and then head back to his, his Mum has already prepared a nice meal, (it's in the freezer keeping fresh), and then I will catch a train home on Sunday. I actually enjoy going out and about on the train, it's so much easier, (not to mention cheaper), than driving. I'll be taking my camera too so I hope the weather is good, I have not seen the forecast.

Well, I think now it's time for me to have a shower and go to bed, I feel a little better for getting things off my chest. Sat here I am surrounded by pictures of Steve and I in happier times, sometimes they make me smile and other times they remind me what I, (and we), have lost. They made me feel a little sad earlier but now I have got my thoughts down they are making me smile. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight.

Before I go, I haven't forgotten my tattoo pic but, it's at the flaky stage for now so once it's settled I will take a pic and post it.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend and I will write soon.

M xx

Oooh, forgot to mention, if you know how to delete pics from the "photo stream" on iPhone and iPad please let me know - it will save me googling it..... Thank you xxx

Sent from my iPad

Monday, 9 January 2012

New Year and beyond

Looking back new year seems to have been a long time ago.  I was so worried about it but, in the end it worked out OK.  My parents spent most of the day out and about so I was left to my own devices.  I busied myself during the day and then after a shower decided to go out for a wander.

I wanted to buy some Issey Miyake aftershave for myself.  It was a favourite of Steve and I, I wore it before Steve met me but he liked it and we wore it on our wedding day and the funeral director made sure Steve had a "squirt" once he was ready for his final performance.  It's odd but smell evokes so many memories.

I recently re read Steve's blog from last Christmas and he mentions the same then.  I bought him a fragrance which reminded me of when we first met and he bought me more of the fragrance I was wearing when we met.  Happy memories refreshed by just slight hint of fragrance.

Anyway, long story short it wasn't in the sales so I didn't bother.  I can buy it at full price anytime to I will wait a little.  I wandered through the shopping centre and didn't buy a thing.  I've lost the desire to shop, there's not a lot I need and nothing I need urgently.

I got home and relaxed with a nice cup of Earl Grey tea and then, as darkness had fallen, I wrote my letter to Stephen on a Chinese balloon lantern and then lit it and watched it float off into the night.  I was tearful but, felt so much better for doing that.

I opened a bottle of wine but, failed to drink more than two glasses.  I saw the new year in with a cup of Earl Grey.  I watched the fireworks at London on the TV and felt the "BOOM" a lot closer to home as our neighbours set off a load of fireworks.

On new years day I relaxed.  No agenda, just a whole lot of not very much and that was the same until I returned to work on 3rd January.  it was good to be back to work.  Not because I like it there but because I was just pleased to be back to normal. 

The decorations came down shortly afterwards and things have got back to how they were before.  The numbness has returned and life is as normal (or abnormal) as it was before.

I've had a bit of a thoughtful day today.  I read today about another young man who has lost his battle against a GBM, he leaves behind a wife and two children under three years old.  This disease really doesn't discriminate about age etc and doesn't care how many lives it affects it just does it's thing.

I really feel for anyone facing the diagnosis of a GBM and the more I learn about them the more I feel this.

On a different note, I learnt at New year that a dear friend of mine has been awarded an OBE in the Queen's new Year honours list, she is now Melanie Bryan OBE, read more about her here:

Apart from that I don't have a lot of news, I do have a document to upload to Stephens website, but will do that in the next few days and write some more.  I am sure there was more I needed to write and my thoughts have been more complex than I have mentioned but right now I am in a lighter mood so I won't dwell on that for now.

I'll write soon,

xx Mark xx

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

It's coming soon...

I'm conscious I need to blog but I need my sleep tonight, it's almost midnight.  I will write and upload pictures of my new tattoo soon but, in the meantime, let me share a few sentiments I saw online recently which have struck a chord with me.  They probably give a reasonable overview of where my mind is "at" at the moment.

Till next time,
M x