Thursday, 1 November 2012

Feeling, knowing or hearing?

Feeling, knowing or hearing?

That's what I am asking myself tonight. Which do I want? Which do I get and which do I give and to whom to I give what?

What am I talking about? Love of course.

Some may argue it's a basic human need whilst others argue it's something we are conditioned to or against. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Also, this post is quite difficult to write as I'm conscious many people make assumptions about my writings so I feel like I am treading on eggshells!

As I look around myself I am seeing a few friends experiencing difficult times. It is hard to see, especially when you feel unable to help, even though you may desperately want to help.

To those people do they feel loved? Do they understand and know that they are loved as a friend or is it necessary for me to remind them?

It's a tough one. I am uncomfortable with throwing the 'L' word around freely. Many people do it, it doesn't make it right, or at least not right for me, but some people are keen to lavish their love on anyone or anything that stays still long enough. That's fine for them so long as they don't expect it to be reciprocated without consideration and thought.

Just because I don't tell someone I love them doesn't mean they aren't. There are some very dear friends whom I love as friends. I rarely tell them I love them but I am keen to demonstrate my love and compassion for them in other ways as they do for me.

It's quite a tough one really because for most of us, we can't control how much we love someone. We do or we don't. It's almost impossible to just stop loving someone. Yes it can change, either prompted by their actions or our desires but generally, if you love someone you can't switch the emotion off. Love can become anger or upset but it reverts back to love at some point.

Love changes but it never goes away. I saw a comment this week from a Widowed friend. On what would be their wedding anniversary she pondered the vows they made, "till death us do part", she commented that even though he husband isn't here she still loves him. His death didn't switch off the love.

I thought about it and its the same for me. My love changed to anger, to frustration and at some point reverted back to love, it's a different sort of love now but it's still there. As I've pondered in previous posts it is difficult to love if it isn't reciprocated and, whilst I know Stephens love for me never wavered , arguably it ended after he exhaled his last breath.

It's because I have had these feelings of a deep down connection and love that I now feel I am able to make better decisions, stronger decisions really with conviction and courage. I understand though not everyone is able to do the same and it's natural to question your own judgement.

After being in an emotional void for a period of time I know only too well how difficult it is to re-educate yourself into learning to accept the feeling of being loved, the knowledge that you are loved and how difficult it can be to hear those words you've longed to hear again, although, none of us will admit we really want to hear we are loved. We get bashful or uncomfortable hearing nice things about ourselves but still feel buoyed up by the feeling inside.

This is where I go back to are we conditioned or is love a basic human need? Some are conditioned to express their love at any opportunity, others, (me included), are more reserved and save sharing those emotions for very special ears and others have been conditioned to lock their emotions away and the longer they have been locked away the more layers of crap you have to hack through to release those feelings and emotions.

It could be argued the other way though, that we are conditioned to think we need or like to feel loved and that the basic human need is for pure survival, food, water, air and light and anything else we want or 'need' is a learned trait or habit and nothing more.

I don't have the answer to this ramble unfortunately but for me, I feel that although love may not be a basic human need it is a basic Mark need. I need and like to feel and know I am loved, if i can feel it and know it then I don't always need to hear it and at the same time I hope my friends and family feel and know how much they are loved from my actions and words and also appreciate how precious that 'L' word is to me when it passes my lips.

For me it's now time to sleep but I am sending love to you reading this. In my mind, if you've read this far then you clearly care, (one way or the other), about my thoughts and feelings so for that I truly thank you and would genuinely like to say thank you for your messages,"likes" or comments etc too, they really are appreciated.

Until next time, goodnight.
Mark x

Sent from my iPad