Sunday, 16 September 2012


Sunday. Day of rest for many but I hoped to have a productive day today so I at least had something to show for my weekend.
I managed to get a little done. It seemed today like the world has conspired against me to stop me. I wanted to get something done though just for my own satisfaction.
Yesterday was a heavy day. My head was full of all sorts yesterday and even though I ventured out it didn't help. I thought some retail therapy may have helped but it didn't. In my usual way though I didn't end up buying things for me but for someone else.
After my afternoon of shopping I felt tired, so much so I ended up going to bed for an hour after which I just sat and read for a while, just finishing off a book I started on holiday. That seems like a very long time ago now and, in some ways it seems like there were two very different people on that holiday to the two lying in this bed right now.
It was pointed out to me this week that I seem to be doing less of the things I used to enjoy. On reflection that's true. There are many reasons for this and yes, perhaps I have felt more melancholy of late which has led to me not wanting to do anything creative at all. That's partly why I wanted to achieve something this weekend.
It's odd because I never remember asking for my life to be this way. I'm not a complicated person. Someone to love who loves me back, a safe and warm home, a job I don't loathe and enough money to put food on the table is all I really want. I don't think it's too much to ask, is it?
I should add that I do have most of those things and the others may take some time but I know I'm on the right path.
I've spent part of tonight reminiscing, it's funny though as the line between actual reality and tales I've heard over the years is quite blurred.
For example, I'm not sure if my earliest memory as a child is mine or a story I have heard relayed by my parents backed up with photos. I have some clear memories of childhood but it's the earliest ones that I sometimes doubt.
I've watched with intrigue tv programmes where people are hypnotised and taken to a previous life. I sometimes wonder what mine was and I there are any similarities in this life or indeed any issues which u bring from a previous life to this.
All in all it's a bit deep and meaningful for this hour on a Sunday so I will bid you Goodnight and will hopefully catch you soon.

Sent from my iPhone

Saturday, 15 September 2012

Watching them suffer

I don't seem to come here as often now as I used to. I guess I process a lot of information away from the public eye now. That change came about because my every word was being scrutinised and examined. Not in a positive way though but critically.

This past week or so Stephen has been in my mind a lot. There's no particular reason why but I have just perhaps felt his presence a lot more over these past few days. It started on Wednesday when I sat and watched Dead Good Job

It was not meant to be a tear jerker programme but it brought back a lot of memories, good and bad. I was tearful throughout but proud that Stephen had the send off he wanted. Even little things like seeing the Chapel of Rest made me think how much better Stephens send off was, Broadoak ( has a much more modern feel about it than the dated funeral directors in the programme.

Before Stephen was dressed I was allowed to go and give him a shave so I felt I was able to do something for him. Personal touches like Shirley, our funeral director, wearing Stephens hat all made a difference, as I said, I am proud that I was able to give him what he wanted.

I went to bed upset on Wednesday night and woke up crying on Thursday morning. The dream I had was quite odd and even though I couldn't see Stephen in my dream I could feel his presence. I can't explain it better than that really.

Today I have caught up on a few of the blogs I follow. I've been saddened today to hear that one of my blog friends has lost her husband this week, also to Brain Cancer. I wished I had words to ease her pain and make things better but I don't, I just promised her there would be brighter days ahead, and there will be. Right now though things are tough.

I also learned of the passing of another lady, she'd been battling with Cancer for over three years, it was tough reading her last post where she said she would not be writing again as she felt the time was close. This was followed by a post from her family confirming her passing.

With so much sadness in the world brought about by Cancer and other illnesses and diseases why does mankind feel it necessary to inflict more pain and suffering on other human beings? The mindless violence and killings we will have all witnessed on the news, being nasty for the sake of being nasty, those intrusive pictures of Kate and previously of Harry which will have clearly caused distress. Why is it necessary? Is human nature a little bit like that?

Do we humans like to see other people suffering and distressed? I know there's a strong argument to say that historically we have. Look at the Romans with their Gladiators, in fact any blood sport. Do we enjoy seeing people we don't know get hurt? I'm sure none of us would like to see our loved ones hurt in the same way so why is it ok for someone else's Mum, Sister,, Daughter or Father, Brother, Son to get hurt but not ours?

The act that it's been that way for a very long time doesn't mean it has to stay that way. We know what distress our actions can cause so why continue? We should know better and, in many cases we do know better. We no longer kill animals for their fur because we know it's unkind but it's ok to be unkind to another human?

I doubt any of us a free of guilt. I know I have a vicious tongue when pushed far enough but it takes a lot more now to push me that far than it used to. Perhaps because I am older and perhaps because I have seen the hurt I can cause and dislike it. Either way I try not to hurt anyone else either physically, mentally or emotionally.

I'm looking back over those past few paragraphs and can see I am verging on a rant like some sort of do-gooder fanatical nut so will leave it there for now. Before I go though I'd like to leave you with a quote I read on the blog of the lady who has recently passed away. It made me stop and think, how will it affect you?

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Until next time,
Mark x