Saturday, 15 September 2012

Watching them suffer

I don't seem to come here as often now as I used to. I guess I process a lot of information away from the public eye now. That change came about because my every word was being scrutinised and examined. Not in a positive way though but critically.

This past week or so Stephen has been in my mind a lot. There's no particular reason why but I have just perhaps felt his presence a lot more over these past few days. It started on Wednesday when I sat and watched Dead Good Job

It was not meant to be a tear jerker programme but it brought back a lot of memories, good and bad. I was tearful throughout but proud that Stephen had the send off he wanted. Even little things like seeing the Chapel of Rest made me think how much better Stephens send off was, Broadoak ( has a much more modern feel about it than the dated funeral directors in the programme.

Before Stephen was dressed I was allowed to go and give him a shave so I felt I was able to do something for him. Personal touches like Shirley, our funeral director, wearing Stephens hat all made a difference, as I said, I am proud that I was able to give him what he wanted.

I went to bed upset on Wednesday night and woke up crying on Thursday morning. The dream I had was quite odd and even though I couldn't see Stephen in my dream I could feel his presence. I can't explain it better than that really.

Today I have caught up on a few of the blogs I follow. I've been saddened today to hear that one of my blog friends has lost her husband this week, also to Brain Cancer. I wished I had words to ease her pain and make things better but I don't, I just promised her there would be brighter days ahead, and there will be. Right now though things are tough.

I also learned of the passing of another lady, she'd been battling with Cancer for over three years, it was tough reading her last post where she said she would not be writing again as she felt the time was close. This was followed by a post from her family confirming her passing.

With so much sadness in the world brought about by Cancer and other illnesses and diseases why does mankind feel it necessary to inflict more pain and suffering on other human beings? The mindless violence and killings we will have all witnessed on the news, being nasty for the sake of being nasty, those intrusive pictures of Kate and previously of Harry which will have clearly caused distress. Why is it necessary? Is human nature a little bit like that?

Do we humans like to see other people suffering and distressed? I know there's a strong argument to say that historically we have. Look at the Romans with their Gladiators, in fact any blood sport. Do we enjoy seeing people we don't know get hurt? I'm sure none of us would like to see our loved ones hurt in the same way so why is it ok for someone else's Mum, Sister,, Daughter or Father, Brother, Son to get hurt but not ours?

The act that it's been that way for a very long time doesn't mean it has to stay that way. We know what distress our actions can cause so why continue? We should know better and, in many cases we do know better. We no longer kill animals for their fur because we know it's unkind but it's ok to be unkind to another human?

I doubt any of us a free of guilt. I know I have a vicious tongue when pushed far enough but it takes a lot more now to push me that far than it used to. Perhaps because I am older and perhaps because I have seen the hurt I can cause and dislike it. Either way I try not to hurt anyone else either physically, mentally or emotionally.

I'm looking back over those past few paragraphs and can see I am verging on a rant like some sort of do-gooder fanatical nut so will leave it there for now. Before I go though I'd like to leave you with a quote I read on the blog of the lady who has recently passed away. It made me stop and think, how will it affect you?

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Until next time,
Mark x


  1. Thank you for your kind words.

    Without meaning to cause you any more emotional pain, I wanted you to know that Wash was cuddling his little stuffed buddy named Steve (and Hoban the Bear) when he went.
    I'd like to think that Steve might have been there, in some way, helping to guide him on.

    Thank you. Your words mean SO MUCH to me, mostly because you HAVE been in my place.
    It gives me hope to see how far you have come with your life and living since Steve's passing and still the way you honour him in your life.

    Sending you so much love back, and if you feel up to it send me an email some time.

    Still sending love across the Pond.

    1. Hi Tashi,

      Thank you for your message. I am pleased Wash's passing was peaceful and yes, I too hope that if it was possible formSteve to meet Wash and help him adjust to his new cancer free surroundings that that is what has happened.

      I understand right now life will be very much like a roller coaster where one moment you have everything, including your emotions, in check and the next minute you're paralysed by grief. It seems on times to be never ending and even when you feel you have adjusted things still creep up and bite you on the butt.

      The main thing right now, after all Wash's wishes have been met with regard to his send off is to remember that you made those last months and years of Wash's life as happy and as comfortable as they could have possibly he been. Every hour you spent tending to his needs before yours were appreciated but now it's time to care for yourself.

      Be gentle and kind to yourself remember there's no need to rush the healing process just know that it will have already started and you will continue to heal. Cancer may have taken Wash's life but only you can stop it from claiming yours.

      Hopefully you have my contact details, (let me know if not) if you ever need me then don't hesitate to get in touch.

      Love and Strength to you xxxxMxxxx