Reflections

Since I wrote last there have been a few changes. Quite unexpected, I won't elaborate further at this time but these have resulted in some reflective moments for both Jonathan and I.

That all sounds quite ominous, it's not but, I've found myself wondering again when this bubble will burst. I really do feel lucky.

I've looked back at the time I have spent with Jonathan and it really seems like we have done a lot in a short period of time but on the other hand when I spend time with Jonathan it seems like we have been together for much longer. It sounds sickly sweet but I can't deny the feelings.

I've had a busy few days at work this week, this has been exacerbated by my absence last week and my imminent further absence. I would really rather not be absent but it's a commitment I cannot get out of.

It's really difficult writing a public blog like this. There are so many people to be mindful of. Perhaps I have become 'soft' and care too much about other people and their feelings? Perhaps I need to consider others less and me more? Perhaps I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and sharing too much? Perhaps, perhaps perhaps.....

I don't have much else to say tonight, lots of reflection, happy acceptance of my current situation and optimism for the future just about sums things up.

Oh, on a different note. I decided to trim my beard and hair a few nights ago whilst Jonathan was in the bath. Beard done I trimmed the sides and back of my head. With that done I decided the top looked a little too long and decided to trim that too.

As the clippers approached my head the guard fell off the clippers and I promptly allowed the unguarded blade to glide across my head! Oops! I was left with a stripe of hair which was just about 1mm long....great! Jonathan suggested I go for a mohican so I cut another stripe in to my head. I looked like a jewellery free, white, B.A. Baracus (as in 1980's A-Team fame)!

There was nothing else for it, it all had to come off! The beard,was re-trimmed to match the length of my hair so now I just have a slightly fuzzy head. My hair wasn't long to start with, it's even less so now!

Well, that's about it for now, enjoy a giggle at my expense and I'll write soon,

Xx M xX

We're back!

That's it! All done, our trip to the Big Smoke that is! What a great few days it has been and, I can't deny having a reason to stay an extra few days was lovely. It was practical too though as it only worked out a total of £10 more to travel home today (Saturday), including additional hotel costs than it would have cost to come home the same day as the trip to the palace!


When we arrived on Wednesday we checked in to a very swanky hotel, Jonathan tried out the posh bath whilst I raided the mini bar and complimentary snacks!

We headed out on Wednesday night to meet a friend of Jonathan's and had a lovely night, dinner, drinks and then drinks and dancing, (all be it briefly) were in order! We finally got back to our hotel room very late and turned off the light as the clock changed to 3.26am! I was awake around 4 hours later to prepare for our visit to Buckingham Palace!

The visit was lovely, it was to accompany a friend as she collected her OBE. The Queen didn't do the ceremony though, this time it was HRH Princess Anne. The whole thing was very well planned and choreographed as you'd expect, they do 27 of these investitures every year with HM Queen, HRH Prince Charles and HRH Princess Anne each doing around a third each. After the ceremony we met with some more people and went for lunch.

After a late lunch we hot footed it back to our posh hotel to collect our cases and dash across London to a not quite so posh hotel. We dumped our cases, changed quickly, (within literally 5 minutes), and then dashed off to meet another friend.

We had a lovely evening, it was nice to chat and to hear some old tales etc. we ate, we drank and then we moved on to another bar and then over to Soho for a few more drinks. It was lovely to have a night out together.

On Friday we didn't have an agenda other than having a nice time and taking in a show last night. We got up at a reasonable time and after a decent breakfast we headed out. We browsed a few shops as we made our way to Leicester Square and bought tickets for "We Will Rock You". We went for lunch nearby at Wong Kei's (Wonkys) which was really good.

From there we wandered through to Trafalgar Square then back to our hotel to change for our night out. The show was brilliant, the story was OK but overall the experience was great. If you don't know already, the musical was written by Ben Elton and features songs by Queen.  At one point the song, "Only the good die young" was sung. This was never a significant song for Steve or I at all but the lyrics resonated with me:-

Only the Good die young

They're only flying too close to the sun
And life goes on - Without you...
(see the full lyrics here)

I shed a tear but then reminded myself, life does go on and I'm fortunate to have someone at my side who is here to share that life as it goes on. He makes me very happy and I'm assured I have the same affect on him. We chatted about it and Jonathan understands and accepts that sometimes there will be little things like that to remind me of Steve. He will never be forgotten and it is nice to know that Jonathan understands.

After the show, you guessed it, we headed off to the pub. After a few drinks we headed back to the hotel and had a few glasses of wine before turning in for the night. Saturday morning we had a lie in before heading off for breakfast. We had a lazy day, wandering about, stopping for a coffee and a chat and generally just enjoying being in each others company. It's no more complicated than that. Jonathan is easy to spend time with. I enjoy his quirky ways and keep noticing endearing characteristics, all of which make me smile and make me very happy.

When we got home last night it was lovely to just relax, after a bite to eat we curled up together on the sofa together, slouching in our dressing gowns. 

We've had another lie in today and it's past midday and Jonathan has only just got dressed, he's beat me to it though as I've not had a shower yet, I've spent time here sat here posting this blog, that's my excuse anyway.  I've no idea whats on the agenda for today, if I am honest I don't really care, I am just going to enjoy another day with someone special before I  go back to work tomorrow.

I hope you are having or have had a lovely weekend and I'll write soon.

xxx M xxx

I missed a bit...

I realised after I posted my blog yesterday that I had missed a whole chunk of weekend off my blog.

On Saturday I needed to pop out to deliver an eBay order.  There was a delay smit was easiest.  After that I drove for a while with no purpose.  Quite extravagant really given the price of fuel these days.  We stopped for a late breakfast then headed off to a stately home, Dunham Massey.  We didn't actually bother viewing the inside of the house we just wandered through the grounds.  It was lovely, there were ducks, deer and rabbits all around us.  

We got a posh ice cream and wandered back to the car then headed home.  Oddly we were both tired so after an afternoon snooze we relaxed for the rest of the night together.

On Sunday I decided to take Jonathan out for a few hours.  That sounds like he is an old lady in a home somewhere but basically I didn't tell him where I was taking him.  We headed off to Southport.  Not for any other reason than it is at the coast and it was a sunny day so sea air and British sunshine was the aim of the game.  

That being said, Steve and I were regularly in Southport when we had a pub there but we never visited there socially apart from attending a friends wedding one weekend.  

It was a lovely day, the sun was glorious! We walked along the pier and ate hot donuts!  The pier was very long, I don't know how long but it was a long walk.  We then went for a beer and following that decided to go for chips!  This, to those outside the UK may not seem exciting but this is TYPICAL British seaside!  Then, after that, in a sort of "double jeopardy" game we decided to go for ice cream! Fortunately we were not sick but it could have been disastrous! The picture below is of us at Southport.  If I wasn't posting from my iPad I would have linked on Wiki to tell you more about Southport but there's limited functionality so you'll have to Google it.

Sunday evening was spent chilling out.  On Monday morning we were up and out early.  We skipped breakfast and went for a long walk along the canal.  It was fresh, very sunny but not warm but this was fine.  We walked and chatted for ages, I just enjoy spending time with Jonathan.

We then headed home and had a light brunch before heading out to a friend's house for a late lunch.  It was lovely, it was a chance for Jonathan to meet more friends, properly, instead of a fleeting introduction.

After we left there we called to see some other friends before heading home before another relaxing night in.  

Yesterday we Spent most of the day out and about with Jonathan's dad.  We went for lunch with him and then pottered about a little.  The afternoon and evening was relaxed but I did manage to iron our clothes for London today.  This was after Jonathan's protest that I was preparing far to early.  It amuses me that Jonathan see's getting clothes ready and deciding what to wear as fussing whereas if he is filming then we will check and re-check every detail and that is OK.  It makes me smile.

 I can already see that our holiday prep will be "fun", I might just pack for him and tell him I've sorted it.  I'd love to be able to just go out and buy everything he needs and pack it all.  It would save a lot of stress.  I suppose it's just one of those things I find endearing about him.... for now at least!

Well right now Jon and I are en-route to London.  We got in to Manchester early so decided to go to the pub, a few drinks later and we got to the station just in time for our train.  We have reserved seats but have the misfortune to be sat next to some irritating people.  They were amusingly annoying for the first hour but as we enter the second hour they are starting to get right on my tits!  Fortunately there is only another 60 minutes of this journey left! 

Tonight we are meeting friends of Jonathan, it will be an interesting night I am sure.  Not least because his friend only learned a few days ago that Jon had split with his ex and is now with me... (a "big ginger cub" as I overheard him referring to me as - its a gay thing...)!

Well I am signing off for now but will ry and update in the next few days.

Xx M xX

Sent from my iPad

Ramblings of me....

Well it's been over a week and I've not written but I am looking back over the week and can see nothing but smiles really. Right now I am laid in bed next to Jonathan and enjoying a late start. It was a bank holiday yesterday so we have taken the rest of the week off. I was taking a few days off anyway but am pleased Jonathan is too.


Later this week we are off to London. I have a friend who received an OBE in the new years honours list so she's invited me along too to Buckingham Palace to see The Queen awarding her medal. It will be lovely to get to go in to the Palace and see The Queen and of course to see the whole ceremony. I will write more about that later this week.

Back to last week, there isn't a lot to say really, just work is, well, just work and home is good. On Wednesday Jonathan joined us and Steve's Mum for dinner in the evening. It's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but I think it is nice that Steve's Mum seems to get on well with Jonathan too.

I may of said it before but whilst I don't seek approval for my decisions from anyone I don't like the idea of my actions causing upset. We both understand how it may be difficult to see me with someone else, especially given the circumstances, and this goes for Jonathan too after such a long time with his ex but we are both mindful of that but, accept life is too short to be unhappy or to live to suit someone else's wishes so that's why we are where we are, just enjoying life and each other.

You'll recall if you read regularly that my last blog mentioned my disappointment with Facebook being unable to list me as a Widower and in a relationship. Well I haven't had a response from Facebook, not that I expected it but, it would have been nice.

Anyway, I changed my relationship status on Saturday to "In a relationship" with Jonathan. It surprised me that he did too as there are other issues for him but I was happy about it. It may not seem a big deal but it is, it's sort of publicly declaring the relationship as more than a passing fad. Now, maybe this is a difference between mature adults and teenagers but, many younger friends may change status after a second date but for me it needed to feel like more than a fling, (not that I am a 'fling' sort of guy anyway).

My change of mindset on this comes as a result of two things really. Firstly I recently posted on another widowed friends Facebook wall that "moving on doesn't mean forgetting it just means accepting", this came about as people had commented how cheery she was following the death of her husband. She has to move on, she has small children who need her love and attention but, like me, she was able to grieve for her lost future with her husband before he died. I can't explain but I hope you understand. Those who have experienced a terminal diagnosis will understand.

Secondly, I am very proud of Jonathan, he is a lovely guy and far from trying to eradicate Steve he is accepting of my situation, he never complains about anyone mentioning this guy who must seem like a hero from all the nice things people say about him. Whilst I can't deny Steve's existence and the influence he had on me I can not deny Jonathan's existence and how happy he has made me.

My relationship with Jonathan is equally as important as that with Steve but Jonathan is the present and Stephen and I can no longer be together physically so it is only right I do as I keep promising myself I will do and live for today, and, for those around me today. One of my "inspirational quotes" I have on my iPad reminds me of this and goes along the lines of, "the past is a nice place to look at but not to live in" by this I take it to mean accept and appreciate the journey you have been on. Allow it to shape your future but don't let it rule your present.

That's it I guess, that's where my blog has taken me today. I never know really when I set out where my blog will go. I just write and think with not too much thought of whether it makes sense, it's just the ramblings of me and these are just snippets of conversations I have with myself in my head.

Just thinking about other things, it's two weeks until my holiday, I still have a lot to sort, including travel insurance so these are all jobs on the mental list I have. I need to wash and pack holiday clothes but, before that I need to sort clothes for London. We are making best use of our train tickets and staying an extra two nights in London.

When I looked at the price of tickets etc the return tickets dropped in price drastically if we returned on Saturday, so much so that we were able to pay for a hotel for an extra night and return travel for just £10 more than the cost of an earlier return. It's not rocket science is it, just £10 more for an extra night away! Jonathan has been stressed and needed a break too so it's all worked out for the best. Hopefully he will return to work next week rejuvenated, inspired and fired up!

Finally, on a more sombre note this week has seen the passing of another BT Buddy, a guy with a brain tumour that Steve and I met at The Palace of Westminster when we went for the Behind The Mask exhibition in March 2011. (click here and scroll past the interviews to see Steve's mask and what he wrote about it) (Read more about his radiotherapy mask and how it was made, click here) He was a lovely lad, early 30's (like Steve) and so much to offer. It's so sad, he has left a young daughter too who will never know her Dad. I am also aware of some more BT Buddies in my wider circle too who have passed this week. It always makes me thoughtful to hear of these lives extinguished. My thoughts have been with the BTB team a lot this week, I want to help more and feel now I am in a good place I can do that more so.

Anyway that's me done, I shall email this off to myself from my iPad to my PC so I can add the pics so when I upload this later don't think I am lazy still being in bed mid afternoon, it's only 9.30am now, it's a day off work but I'm getting up, just as soon as I've had a hug and kiss from the dishy bloke beside me!

Xx M xX

A New Box! A New Rant!

I am sure many of you will look at that title and wonder... “what the hell?.....” So, here goes. Anyone that knows me now or who has known me over the years knows I have a bit of a thing for boxes. Not the cardboard variety but just nice boxes. I have special boxes for cufflinks, obviously one for jewellery and another for watches. There’s some with photos and some for photos which are in frames, (I tend to move pictures around). There are some full of trinkets and bits and some that I may not have looked in for many months but in addition to those I have memory boxes too. I say boxes as in plural as there are a few. The most recent being obviously one which has a lot of Stuff from Steve’s last 18 months or so in there. In short, I have bought a new box, I will explain.

You may or may not be a friend with me on Facebook, it doesn’t matter if you are not because I will explain. This weekend I got more than a little frustrated with Facebook. This was because I realised how very restrictive it can be. These thoughts were brought about as I looked at the pictures I had just had delivered, they were pictures Jonathan and I have taken since we have been together and there was one I had printed so I could frame it. I really like the picture and it’s a nice memory, taken just a month after we first met.

To go with this “marker” I thought it would be nice to update my relationship status to “In a relationship”, not for any other reason than I think it is quite positive to be able to show that there can be life after bereavement, for others who are facing difficult times such as I have endured and for family and friends who are, on times, afraid to comment on how “happy” you seem as they don’t want to cause offence or appear disrespectful to the lost loved one.

To me, a relationship status of “Widowed & In a relationship” would sum up exactly where I am at. Unfortunately Facebook disagrees as I can only be one or the other. Now this puts me in a quandary. I would and could never deny I am a widower but at the same time I don’t want to deny I am in a new relationship. At what point do I make the change from Widower to whatever is next? When I re-marry? When a specific period of time has passed or just when the wind is blowing in the right direction? Even when I do re-marry then surely I would still be a Widower all be it a re-married Widower? Am I holding too much emphasis on that status as the surviving spouse? I think I know the answer, I think it has to be when I am ready to make the switch.

It is true that for a period of time when first bereaved you automatically gain a certain amount of understanding, sympathy and tolerance from people around you, “Oh, he’s just lost his husband.....” etc but I am sure that fades over time as people become used to the new ‘norm’. By keeping my widowed status am I preventing others from moving on? Does this make seeing me with someone else more difficult for them? Already it’s been mentioned that getting used to saying Mark & Jonathan feels odd especially when they are used to Mark & Steve. The top and bottom of all this though is that I don’t have an answer, there is no right and no wrong. I feel truly blessed to have met Jonathan though and, even more so when I see and hear how comfortable he is with Steve and his memory. I even heard him chatting to the Cat yesterday asking her if she missed her Daddy Steve?! Clearly the cat didn’t reply she just continued to purr but I am happy that Steve seems to have become a part of Jonathan’s life too. In an odd sort of way I wish they had both been able to meet, I am sure they would have got on fantastically. My relationship status will change soon, in the meantime I have sent an email to Facebook to note my disappointment and suggest this may need re-thinking.

Back to the new box though. Because I am at this new and exciting point with Jonathan I want to enjoy it and I want to be able to look back and remember all those fun things we did together in the early days. I have bought a new leather box, it’s quite big but, I hope it will fill over the years with many tokens, scraps of paper, tickets or any and all manner of things which will probably have no monetary value just a sentimental one. I’ve started with a few ticket stubs and a photo album which I have started to fill. I’m also taking the time to add dates to the pictures as it can be tiresome to try and recall when a picture was taken. I hope Jonathan will add bits to it too as it’s as much his memory box as mine now.... It is empty and waiting to be filled in just the same way as those megabytes of web space I have waiting to be populated and the blank pages of Jonathan’s diary he has yet to fill.

So that’s it, that’s all about the new box. I will tell you a little about our weekend though before I go. Friday night was lovely, just the two of us and two cats, sat in with dinner, a few drinks, soft music and plenty of chat. On Saturday we got up and after a light breakfast headed out to meet friends for afternoon tea in Manchester. Well, as you may expect, tea led to beer which led to further beer, we stayed out for dinner though and another drink and finally left Manchester after 10.00pm. It was a lovely relaxed and spontaneous day with good company, good food and good drinks too. I am very much looking forward to doing it again. Yesterday was a busy day, we had a late start but a friend called in and met Jonathan then we headed out to see family before coming back so more friends could meet Jonathan. He is becoming somewhat of a tourist attraction, I guess it may be the bunny pictures that did it.... hmmm did I post that here? Well here goes, he will hate it but I think he looks cute!

We relaxed last night and again just sat and chatted over a few drinks. I didn’t want to get up this morning but when I did I was smiling! This was because Jonathan had got up just a few minutes before and showed me his “Alarm Clock Dance”! I have no idea how to explain this but it is suffice to say I have never seen anything like it and it’s the first time in a long time I have chuckled as I got up on a Monday morning.

Well I hope your day has been a good one and I will be back to write again soon.

xxMxx

A Birthday and a Funeral

Here goes, I thought this blog post may have been drafted through teary eyes, I am sure you will understand why when you read on but, I am pleased to say that I am doing OK and whilst tears have not been consciously excluded from my life they tend not to feature so much anymore. I am happy with this change and, I must admit, somewhat surprised too. I’ll explain.


On Monday I woke up and felt awful, I doubt it is more than a cold or a virus of some sort but I ached all over, I had a fuzzy head and a sore throat. I’ve used past tense but I still feel the same now, it seems to come over me in waves, I felt awful earlier between 3 and 6pm but feel slightly better now. I’m self medicating when I remember to take the tablets etc but I hope it has all cleared for the weekend.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was, or would have been, Stephens 33rd Birthday. He was desperate to get to 33 as it would signify him beating the doctors diagnosis. Here is what Steve wrote about it last year. (CLICK HERE) Reading this brings back a lot of memories, I still miss Steve but I talk about him still almost every day, (really it probably IS every day), and Jonathan is fine with this. He understands Steve was and is still a part of my life and I appreciate that so much, the fact that he is so comfortable with Stephen. He says he feels he knows Stephen even though he has never met him as he has heard so many stories from Me, from Family and from friends. He also understands though that Steve is not a threat to our relationship, in fact, because of Steve I now have a different outlook on life and this will have certainly helped us grow together as a couple. Life is too short so take that happiness and never let it go and, if you love someone make sure they know it.

As for yesterday though I anticipated earlier this year that it may be a tough day so I booked myself on to a charity fundraising training course yesterday morning. I did that months ago as I thought by using the day productively to learn how I could help others then I would be paying tribute to Steve and not letting the cancer win. I then spent the afternoon and early evening at a work event with a load of children aged 6 – 10 and their excitement over the activities we were running was lovely. I forgot all my worries when I realised how tough these kids lives had been and their laughter and noise made me smile.

Last night when I arrived home Jonathan was already here, it was lovely to come home to him being here already sat chatting and supping a brew, it felt right and cosy and it made me smile inside and out to see that he is now feeling more comfortable here. He probably won’t thank me for saying it, but he was initially a little less relaxed here (and I understand this), but now, he really seems to have settled. I like that and it seems other members of the family, including the cats, like that too.

After a quick drink it was off out for dinner and a film. Last night we saw Mirror Mirror it was a good film, the cinema was really empty so we snuggled up together and just enjoyed each others company as well as the film.

Today has been another tough day. Jonathan and I attended the funeral of the father of a close friend. This is the second funeral I have been to since Steve’s but, given that yesterday could have been a very emotional day Jonathan wanted to show his support not only for our friend but also for me and came along too.

I have to say it isn’t how I would imagine a day out with a new partner and I hope that it is many years before we do that again but, it was lovely to have Jonathan with me, I really appreciated him being there and caring for our friends and of course for caring how difficult the situation could have been for me too. The funeral went off without a hitch and was as nice as any funeral can be. We were not able to stay on and drink a toast to him though as I had to get to the office for a meeting which, I managed to get to moments after my guest.

The rest of the day has been busy but tonight Steve’s Mum visited. She brought a local delicacy for dinner this evening, Potato Hash, it’s a sort of stew type thing and is apparently quite “northern”. Steve used to make it too and it is the first time we have had it since he passed away. I think he had a hand in this too though as in true Steve style it burnt a little in the pan, it really was delicious though and now I know she is almost as good as Steve at making it I might ask her to cook it again. Steve’s Mum shares her birthday with Steve so yesterday was tough for her too but, on advice, (pushing) from me she went with Steve’s Dad to see Phantom Of The Opera in Manchester last night it has had mixed reviews (SEE HERE) but they said it was fantastic. I am pleased that they enjoyed it though, not least because I had suggested it and it was Steve’s favourite musical too so a fitting way to mark his birthday too.

So there you have it, you can now see why it could have been a difficult blog to write but, it’s done and it has made me feel happy and smiley. I keep saying it but these feel like the happier days I had hoped for all those months ago.

Until next time, goodnight and take care xxx

Mark

I think I win the great dressing gown debate!

As another weekend draws to a close I need to update my blog again I think. Since I wrote last I have been really rather busy. On Wednesday I was back at the exhibition with work. There was no significant highlight on Wednesday as I had no special visitors. The exhibition did close an hour early though so I guess that highlights how quiet it had got. Despite closing early because we had a vehicle indoors we had to be one of the last to leave so as not to offend the lungs of those around us with our stinky 30 year old bus and associated fumes!


Thursday was a busy “catch up” day at the office, being out for two days doesn’t help with the backlog of work. I also had an offsite meeting to attend but, on the plus side again Jonathan had a meeting nearby so called in for a coffee, it was a welcome and pleasant surprise. After work I called to his office, for no good reason other than he had said it’d be nice for me to. I was pleased as I wanted to see him too. The gaps between us seeing each other seem to take forever and time together is lovely. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and it is right now. I really don’t know how it will feel being away from him for two weeks when I go away in May but I guess I am going to find out.

After a visit to the takeaway on Thursday evening we sat and chatted to my parents for a while. I was nice as we sort of chatted about how my parents feel about “us” too. I am pleased to say they have been supportive as has Steve’s Mum. Even though I am not really seeking approval I am pleased they, and my friends are all happy for me and us. I can imagine the nagging thoughts at the back of people’s minds but, I am sure none of them would be unfamiliar to either Jonathan or I and we have discussed those too.

I have not had a single doubt so far. I guess because I have experienced such difficult times and have lost a true love forever then I appreciate life is too short to be unhappy. I recognise these feelings that are making a welcome return. You never really realise how unhappy you were until you are able to compare it to real happiness.

On Friday I dropped Jonathan off at work and went back to trying to clear my backlog of work. On Friday evening we visited friends and then sat in with a nice homemade curry and did our best to empty the alcohol cupboard. We certainly did our bit for recycling this weekend by giving them plenty of bottles to smash up and make into something else. I have no idea what vodka, or whisky bottles get made in to but I am sure our contributions will be appreciated by someone somewhere.

On Saturday, following a late start we visited family then headed off for an early dinner at Chaobaby with a few glasses of wine and then to the cinema to see The Hunger Games. It was a lovely day as we then came home and watched Chicago together as we snuggled on the sofa in our dressing gowns, or “housecoats” (if you are from an older generation).  I think this definition though proves it is a dressing gown not a housecoat!

Today has been a lazy day, a lovely lie in this morning meant a late breakfast and a relaxing day. A friend visited this afternoon whom I’ve not seen since January. Apart from that I have meddled doing some crafty type things which will eventually make their way into gifts for a number of different people.

Tonight I have a night alone hence blogging but, I have a heap of other things I want to try and get done too.

Before I go though I just want to say again, thanks for reading and, thanks for commenting too. Some of you email others comment here or elsewhere but it’s nice to know that I am able to give hope to others. Please feel free to share my blog on Facebook or Twitter too.

Goodnight and Bye for now,
Mark