Wednesday, 15 August 2012

About time...

I thought it was about time I wrote a blog. I know it has been quite some time and I know I have wanted or been meaning to write less about the day to day detail and more about my life observations. Well I am living and I can observe my life from the driving seat so, is there anything wrong in me writing about me?

I'm sat on my bed at the moment and because it's effectively on the second floor there is no Internet signal here so this may not send till tomorrow but today is Wednesday 15th.

It's been an odd few weeks, a lot has happened. We've changed estate agents with the house and are still trying to sell this place. Selling will solve a lot of problems all round but mainly it will just mean I am able to be independent again. I'm independent anyway but living away from here will, I hope, change my outlook on things a lot. My mindset is changing and evolving all the time as it is.

Lately I have had an opportunity to speak to someone else about things, someone out of the picture and removed from any emotion I may express. It's been good. Someone asking those difficult questions others have stayed away from and someone who listens with out an opinion and with no second guessing of what I might want them to say or do or think.

There have been no real conclusions to this and I don't have answers but I do see things differently. I understand now My life experiences have had a massive effect on me, far more than I imagined and more than I let show to anyone.

I feel like I'm in a good place now, I felt I was a long time ago but looking back I can see I was trying to convince myself. The image I portrayed to the outside world was the person I wanted to be. Confident, happy, well adjusted, accepting, strong and resilient. That's what I wanted to be and I made myself believe that's who I was. I wasn't. I was hurting, I still am.

It seemed the wounds I had were covered over with tracing paper, fragile and see through but to the untrained eye the wounds were healing. They may have been too but not as quickly as I wanted them to and not as quickly as I portrayed. I see that now. I feel my wounds are finally healing. I don't feel guilt any more, guilt for having a life to live. I feel sad that Stephen isn't here to share it but I am grateful I shared part of his life with him. I am grateful to have someone to share my life with again now too.

I don't know how long this chapter of my life will go on for, really though do any of us? One thing Cancer has taught me is the fragility of life and of circumstance. Any of our lives could be turned upside down in a heartbeat. None of us are immune. It really is necessary to live your life and enjoy it. Simple pleasures are often the best. Home made biscuits, hot bacon sandwiches, crisp cotton sheets or a bright sunny morning, they all make us smile.

If there is something you want to do then do it, or at least try it. You may not succeed but you gave it a go. Some of my fondest memories of my Great Grandfather, (my Mum's Grandad) was that he kept promising to fix my Grandmothers creaky gate, "I'll sort that out one of these days" he'd say. He never did, it still Hung lop-sided when she sold the house and, many years later when I drove past the house, for old times sake, it still hung, slightly drooping and no doubt creaking.

I know Stephen did a lot of the things he'd wanted to. He said he'd like to take me to Disney but we didn't get the chance and he 'd wanted to travel around India, the holiday we were cheated out of when he was diagnosed and we didn't but, many of the goals we set were achieved. I suppose mainly because they were realistic.

My goal moving forward is quite simple really. To be happy. I realise my happiness can be tainted by another's unhappiness but I don't need anyone else to make me happy, I hold the key to my happiness and the first step toward finding that key is to realise I have it within me to make me happy. Realising this at first feels a little odd. Like you're being selfish. I was taught to share and not be selfish.

It isn't selfish to want happiness for yourself, in fact it's quite the opposite. Once you have found your own happiness you can share it.

I don't really know what the point of today's blog was or is. I've just mumbled on, flicking the thoughts in my head at the letters on the keyboard. It may make sense if I read it back tomorrow. Not now though. Now it's time to sleep.

M x

Sent from my iPad

Monday, 6 August 2012

contemplative and reflective.

That's been the order of the night tonight. I have spent much of it alone. No real reason but having time alone has given me time to think. There's pro's and con's to thinking. Sometimes it reminds you how fortunate you are but on times it leaves you with more questions than answers. This is no longer the place for me to debate those questions.

It's been a good few weeks all in all. I suppose firstly it's easier looking at events on the whole as opposed to on a weekly or daily basis and then breaking things down further to almost micro analyse events or situations.

I've realised too over the past few weeks that a lot of who and how I am today is directly attributable to my recent life experiences, namely bereavement and cancer to name just two factors. It's interesting because they have had more of an effect than I would care to admit.

I feel there is a lot more I could or should write here but my mind is wandering now, thinking less about this blog and more about other stuff so I'll sign off for now.

Goodnight, M x

Sent from my iPad