Thursday, 12 January 2012

A lump in my throat and a metal heart

I suppose it's funny but it's little things like this that seem to keep me going.

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster, today is definitely a downer though so I hope tomorrow will be on the way up again ready for the weekend.

Work has been odd this week, i have had a few presentations to do offsite and they have been well received, I guess I am managing to put my issues aside and do work stuff and maintain that professional veneer. It's difficult though and I really feel like I am sliding back down that slippery slope I was at the bottom of a few months ago, I am gripping with my fingers to the positives and to the progress I've made but I feel like I'm on the edge and it wont take much to push me over. Right now, I have that horrible feeling in my throat, you know when you're about to cry but you are trying really hard not to? It's been there a while, days or weeks, I'm not sure but this week I am conscious of it.

On Tuesday this week my Mum visited a friend of hers, she and her sister were great with Steve and I throughout his journey and she is still there, making me smile. This week she sent home a little metal heart with my Mum for me, it's next to my hope heart in the picture.

It is very tactile and is very much like the chinese stress balls, it is heavy but hollow and has a chime inside so, as you move it in your hand it chimes, it's lovely and she said I should hold it and make it chime whenever I feel sad and the chime will be like Steve talking to me.... it's so thoughtful. A simple little thing but it made me smile.

I have been reading Steve's blog (it's this blog but from when Steve was writing it not me) from last year, it's interesting to me how we seemed a little naive. Stephen always said he knew the cancer would get him in the end but he was going to give it the run around for 5 or 10 years first. He never doubted that and neither did I. You can imagine the mixed thoughts I have about that right now.

Phew, and I was doing so well last week, I am accepting that I'm single, a widower or single, it means the same thing really. I hate why I am single but being single is OK I guess. I'd rather have Steve here but for now, if I can't have him I would rather be single. I guess this is me re-adjusting to my new "normal".

On another note I am looking forward to the weekend, I am meeting a friend in York on Saturday, I'm travelling up by train so it will be a stress free trip hopefully, we're going to be tourists for the day and then head back to his, his Mum has already prepared a nice meal, (it's in the freezer keeping fresh), and then I will catch a train home on Sunday. I actually enjoy going out and about on the train, it's so much easier, (not to mention cheaper), than driving. I'll be taking my camera too so I hope the weather is good, I have not seen the forecast.

Well, I think now it's time for me to have a shower and go to bed, I feel a little better for getting things off my chest. Sat here I am surrounded by pictures of Steve and I in happier times, sometimes they make me smile and other times they remind me what I, (and we), have lost. They made me feel a little sad earlier but now I have got my thoughts down they are making me smile. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight.

Before I go, I haven't forgotten my tattoo pic but, it's at the flaky stage for now so once it's settled I will take a pic and post it.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend and I will write soon.

M xx

Oooh, forgot to mention, if you know how to delete pics from the "photo stream" on iPhone and iPad please let me know - it will save me googling it..... Thank you xxx

Sent from my iPad

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