Today is just one of those days

Last night in bed I realised a few small things, and it was hard for me to
accept.

As much as I am prepared to stand up and fight this illness, it may get the
better of me. Obviously I am willing to try anything to give me the extra
time.

Last night though like I said was hard, the small things like I may not see
my 33rd birthday, I may not see next Christmas. There is lots I would like
to do, I have always wanted to go to Lapland for example, but these seem
trivial now, but I still want to do them to say that I have done them

I will admit it hurt deep inside, the fact that I may leave this earth and
all those that I love around me, Mark, My parents all four of them and my
brother. The hardest thing will be the goodbye, I wouldn't want them to see
me in pain or suffering.

I also have to go and tell another family member today that I am ill, but my
Gran is 86 and the whole thing would make her worry so much, it would make
her very ill, so for her sake and my sake too in a way I am only going to
give her a portion of the truth, which is harder than telling her everything
as it's like a lie.

Its days like today when I could easily just stay in bed and just ignore the
day, but that is admitting defeat, and am not prepared to do that.

The best way I can cope with this is to get on with the rest of my life no
matter how long I have got and just sort those things out that I need to do,
and unfortunately today and the mood I am in I have looked at funerals. Not
something I would like to ever plan for myself but I want it to be right,
and will sit down with Mark in a few weeks when I have looked at options as
untimely it will be him that has to carry out my last wishes, I just hope
that these wishes don't have to be executed for a long while but they still
need to be made.

Anyway, have things to do and sort, so will update again later on how my
mood is going. I'm keeping positive and need to go for my daily walk so that
should blow some cobwebs out my head.

Steve x