Angry and upset.

That's how I feel tonight (Tuesday 29th May).  I wasn't going to write this post but Jonathan has reminded me that this blog is mine and that I am sharing it with others not writing it for others.

Tonight I have cried for the first time in a long time and not over Steve but in anger and upset about myself, situations around me  and the situation I find myself in now.

I am lying in bed in a lovely room in a beautiful hotel but I am so unhappy right now.  I feel ungrateful, I know so many would really love to be here in my place and, for me, they would be welcome to it.  I didn't want to come on this holiday in from the outset.  I tried to refuse many times but, following persistent requests, including calls to my parents I eventually relented.  I am angry at myself though for not sticking to my initial decision and declining the invite.  

There is not one thing I could say is wrong with the hotel but I just do not want to be here.  I have been here a week already though, my flight home can't come soon enough.  Being detached from home by no Internet is making it more difficult.  I can buy wifi in 30 minute chunks but it's not cheap and it's inconvenient.  I do manage to see and speak to Jonathan every evening but, I am not just missing him but I think the fact I don't want to be here is making me miss other things about home too I would even rather be in work and looking forward to the weekend.

Aside from my predicament here is am also frustrated by a few other things but, I keep reminding my self that the passage of time alone will resolve those.

Hopefully I'll have a more positive attitude after some sleep.  Who knows?

Bye for now,

Mark

Sent from my iPad

Lazy day

Well it's Monday and instead of heading out to work or indeed heading down to the pool , so far today I have stayed in my room, (local time is 12.28).  I really can't be bothered today.

Perhaps it's a British thing but I am bored of the heat, (this room is air conditioned), bored of sunshine and I just don't feel like going very far.  I will do soon though as I will need to go out for lunch.  It would seem extravagant and lazy especially when the restaurants here have a lovely selection to order room service.

Before I came away I had plans of doing many things but as I have to buy wifi at 30 minute intervals it could work out very expensive and, I guess I am supposed to relax on holiday.  I have relaxed a little here, I've also read quite a few study papers though on cancer and various other things I have been meaning to read for some time so I've not totally avoided the things I promised myself I would do.

One thing which I have found to be a real blessing and a total saviour of my sanity is FaceTime.  I  am loving it.  It has made such a difference being able to chat face to face with Jonathan every night.  He's very busy at the moment with various films he's making, right now he is trying to promote a film he did for a local council.  Oldham have released a new 'App' which helps kids find what's on in their area over the summer holidays, If you get chance to hit like on the following link, http://t.co/zHyoPiq it's appreciated (you may need to copy and paste into a new window).  

He does a lot of different films for websites, he had done over 40 films in the first quarter of this year.  When I have Internet etc I will share more of his stuff with you but his website is www.bellyflop.tv and there's a showreel there too plus a few other films he's done.  The variety is huge.  Like I said though I will write more about that when I have Internet and can give you links, unless of course he comments below with some links... Hmm

Anyway, I guess I ought to dress and go out and face the world, until next time. Be good and take care!

M x
Sent from my iPad

Life goes on.

Mosquito's!!!

Thursday 23.58 UK time

Mosquitos!  What purpose do they serve?  Do they feature anywhere in the food chain?  If so why can't these fancy hotels home whatever critters like to eat Mosquitos? Maybe then I would stand a chance of having an evening where I am nota mobile mosquito banquet!  I am not enjoying being bitten by these pesky bugs at all.  They itch and irritate me and the lumps and bumps look horrible.  Right now I am a miserable bear!  Despite covering myself in anti mosquito spray they have bit me.  I wonder if it is an attractant not a repellant?  Grrrr! ! !

Anyway, that aside I spoke to Jon tonight on FaceTime.   It was so nice to see him, I saw my Mum and Dad too but it was lovely to just be 'there' and seeing home and familiar faces.

Well, there's nothing else to report.  Tonight I have mostly drunk water, and no, not of the tonic variety with vodka or gin just plain water!  This one is special water though, according to the label on the bottle, "enjoy the pleasant taste of BARAKA water with its essential elements and smooth texture that gives you a lively feeling all day long". Really? It's water!

Friday 15.53 UK time

Phew, another scorcher today, 40 degrees.  I am not used to this heat.  I didn't  sleep well last night, let's just say some call it Pharoh's Revenge but, I made many visits to the bathroom last night.  What with that and the mosquito bites (i have more than 15 on my left forearm and hand alone)  I didn't feel very happy this morning.  I've sat near the pool in the shade again today, I doubt I will be able to bring myself to sit out in the sun as it is simply too hot!

Not a lot of anything else going on today.  I've not been particularly thoughtful I've just enjoyed my music whilst at the poolside and am now sat in one of the hotel bars just watching the world go by so I will sign off for now.

Till tomorrow xxx M xxx

Sent from my iPad

Tuesday, arrival day, a day of thought.

Tuesday, arrival day, a day of thought.

Ooh, well seeing as I wrote earlier on the plane and it hasn't yet been published I am going to write this as an addition to my earlier post but will probably write tomorrow too.  

We have arrived in Egypt, at 8.30pm local time it was 33 degrees so VERY warm compared to Manchester.  We were driven to our hotel in a minibus, just the two of us and when we got to the hotel and to the air conditioned sanctuary of our hotel reception we were brought moist, cool towels to wipe,our brows followed by cool fruit juice, this was all before we had checked in!  It seems very luxurious and so very not me at all.  I am more comfortable and familiar with basic facilities so this is very different.

After check in the porter escorted us to our golf buggy and then drove us to our room.  He brought the bags in too.  Although I know that's his "job" I felt guilty because I am able to do things for myself and am not used to having things done for me.

After a brief nosey at the room we headed off for dinner and then to the bar where we met a lovely couple from Dublin, she gave us all the "hints and tips" for the hotel whilst he was more reserved.  I really felt Jonathan's absence this evening.  The situation was relevant to this because, with his T.V. (television) background Jon would have interviewed them and researched them fully and known a hell of a lot more about them in a very short time.  It's interesting to watch, almost like watching a craftsman creating a piece of art.  It really is a skill and it's interesting seeing it executed to perfection.

Also, now I think about it, I have been mindful of Steve too today.  On the plane I remembered how he was when the plane took off and landed, his excitement for it.  I can imagine how he would be loving this hotel, in particular the 9 pools and 7 restaurants.  It's odd.  I feel torn in many ways memories of Steve fill the spaces where there is no experience or memories made with Jon.  I mean I've never flown with Jon so I don't know how he is when he flies, I'm looking forward to finding out though.

Local time is now 1.15am so I am off for a shower then in to bed.  Goodnight.

Thursday - day 2

Well my previous post didn't get sent as I'm struggling with Internet connection.  Horror stories of £700 phone bills have meant I have turned off my Data Roaming on my phone and attempts to buy a local sim card were foiled when I realised my phone is locked to one provider.  If I jailbreak the phone then I void The warranties so I'm stuck with buying 15 or 30 minutes wifi at a time so, this will sit in my outbox until I connect later in order to chat with Jon on FaceTime.

Yesterday was a very lazy day.  After my failed attempt to connect with home via Internet etc I ended up sat at the poolside all day, with fresh drinks 'appearing' as soon as the previous one was finished.  I spent part of the afternoon sat at the pool bar writing, well typing really, whilst working my way through the cocktail list.  Piña Colada's are too sickly, Mojito's are just not me so,the winner so far is Red Sea Lion which is Gin, Vodka, Orange Juice, Lemon Juice and Grenadine.  They look like a tropical sunset and pack quite a kick.  I ended up drinking those right through to bedtime so I slept soundly last night.  

The food here is great and there are loads of staff who are very attentive.  I would love to bring Jonathan.  Right now he could do with a break and I think being here and not having to do anything or go anywhere would do him the world of good not to mention being able to switch off as with poor wifi then his work would only receive sporadic attention so he could spend more time relaxing.

Today is another lazy day.  I'm currently in the hotel bar relaxing on a large comfy sofa watching the hotel staff and other guests going about their business.  Local time is 2.30 pm.  It's another thoughtful day.

I am guessing tonight will be much the same as yesterday, dinner then to the bar.  My highlight of the day though will be my FaceTime appointment this evening.

Until next time, be good and take care.

M x

Sent from my iPad

Flying and thinking

Ooh another busy week has flown by and, as I write this I am sat on a flight to Egypt where I will 'enjoy' ridiculously hot days, (well, at least compared to Manchester), fine dining, an endless supply of booze and did I mention silly hot days?

Back to this week though. The cats are already settling in. Jonathan brought his two cats last Sunday and, despite a tense few days it seems Tigi and Marmalade are finally settling and accepting. Marmalade was the least enthused about Pop and Hugo's arrival, growling and hissing at every opportunity. Pop and Hugo are incredibly laid back and were not fussed at all, they have already made themselves at home, they have favourite places to sleep already and have acquainted themselves with the neighbours.

The cats arrival wasn't planned but it's been lovely. In many ways it's almost like completing the family. Jonathan is here so it makes sense for his cats to be too, we're like one big happy, (slightly hissy and growly) family, Jonathan and I and the four cats.

Work this week has been busy, not least because I'd taken a week off to go to London, I've been back to work to clear my email from my last absence and now I'm out if the office again!

I've had meetings and a training course this week in addition to sorting a mailer and all that on top of ironing and packing clothes, buying all the lotions and potions I will need to cope with foreign sun and insects and trying to spend quality time with Jonathan. Right now I am probably the only person on this flight who is looking forward to the flight home! I've checked out the hotel online and it does look lovely, 5* Luxury. Already though I know it will be too hot for me!

I guess it begs the question, why did I book it but the answer is I didn't! It's a long story but I am basically going with a friend taking the place of an ex partner. I reluctantly agreed to it before I met Jonathan after a huge amount of persuasion and emotional pleas. I suppose on the flip side it does give us, as in Jonathan an I, some time out to reflect on the last 10 weeks together.

It seems mad but ten weeks seems like such a short time but equally a lot has happened and my life has been turned upside down in just 10 weeks, (it's 10 weeks today since we first met at a business event). My feelings for Jonathan have taken me by surprise and him too as neither of us had been looking or a new relationship, and neither of us had been looking for love but, it seems they found us and, I for one am not not complaining. Let's see if absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

I am looking forward to going back home as I can then focus on selling our house and looking forward to the future.

I've lost my train of thought now, the pilot has announced we have another 1,500 miles to go. Children on the flight have gotten restless and do have I!

I'll write more later or tomorrow, who knows? I am just hoping that 5* Luxury means Internet and access to my world back home in less sunny Manchester!




Sent from my iPhone

Reflections

Since I wrote last there have been a few changes. Quite unexpected, I won't elaborate further at this time but these have resulted in some reflective moments for both Jonathan and I.

That all sounds quite ominous, it's not but, I've found myself wondering again when this bubble will burst. I really do feel lucky.

I've looked back at the time I have spent with Jonathan and it really seems like we have done a lot in a short period of time but on the other hand when I spend time with Jonathan it seems like we have been together for much longer. It sounds sickly sweet but I can't deny the feelings.

I've had a busy few days at work this week, this has been exacerbated by my absence last week and my imminent further absence. I would really rather not be absent but it's a commitment I cannot get out of.

It's really difficult writing a public blog like this. There are so many people to be mindful of. Perhaps I have become 'soft' and care too much about other people and their feelings? Perhaps I need to consider others less and me more? Perhaps I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and sharing too much? Perhaps, perhaps perhaps.....

I don't have much else to say tonight, lots of reflection, happy acceptance of my current situation and optimism for the future just about sums things up.

Oh, on a different note. I decided to trim my beard and hair a few nights ago whilst Jonathan was in the bath. Beard done I trimmed the sides and back of my head. With that done I decided the top looked a little too long and decided to trim that too.

As the clippers approached my head the guard fell off the clippers and I promptly allowed the unguarded blade to glide across my head! Oops! I was left with a stripe of hair which was just about 1mm long....great! Jonathan suggested I go for a mohican so I cut another stripe in to my head. I looked like a jewellery free, white, B.A. Baracus (as in 1980's A-Team fame)!

There was nothing else for it, it all had to come off! The beard,was re-trimmed to match the length of my hair so now I just have a slightly fuzzy head. My hair wasn't long to start with, it's even less so now!

Well, that's about it for now, enjoy a giggle at my expense and I'll write soon,

Xx M xX

We're back!

That's it! All done, our trip to the Big Smoke that is! What a great few days it has been and, I can't deny having a reason to stay an extra few days was lovely. It was practical too though as it only worked out a total of £10 more to travel home today (Saturday), including additional hotel costs than it would have cost to come home the same day as the trip to the palace!


When we arrived on Wednesday we checked in to a very swanky hotel, Jonathan tried out the posh bath whilst I raided the mini bar and complimentary snacks!

We headed out on Wednesday night to meet a friend of Jonathan's and had a lovely night, dinner, drinks and then drinks and dancing, (all be it briefly) were in order! We finally got back to our hotel room very late and turned off the light as the clock changed to 3.26am! I was awake around 4 hours later to prepare for our visit to Buckingham Palace!

The visit was lovely, it was to accompany a friend as she collected her OBE. The Queen didn't do the ceremony though, this time it was HRH Princess Anne. The whole thing was very well planned and choreographed as you'd expect, they do 27 of these investitures every year with HM Queen, HRH Prince Charles and HRH Princess Anne each doing around a third each. After the ceremony we met with some more people and went for lunch.

After a late lunch we hot footed it back to our posh hotel to collect our cases and dash across London to a not quite so posh hotel. We dumped our cases, changed quickly, (within literally 5 minutes), and then dashed off to meet another friend.

We had a lovely evening, it was nice to chat and to hear some old tales etc. we ate, we drank and then we moved on to another bar and then over to Soho for a few more drinks. It was lovely to have a night out together.

On Friday we didn't have an agenda other than having a nice time and taking in a show last night. We got up at a reasonable time and after a decent breakfast we headed out. We browsed a few shops as we made our way to Leicester Square and bought tickets for "We Will Rock You". We went for lunch nearby at Wong Kei's (Wonkys) which was really good.

From there we wandered through to Trafalgar Square then back to our hotel to change for our night out. The show was brilliant, the story was OK but overall the experience was great. If you don't know already, the musical was written by Ben Elton and features songs by Queen.  At one point the song, "Only the good die young" was sung. This was never a significant song for Steve or I at all but the lyrics resonated with me:-

Only the Good die young

They're only flying too close to the sun
And life goes on - Without you...
(see the full lyrics here)

I shed a tear but then reminded myself, life does go on and I'm fortunate to have someone at my side who is here to share that life as it goes on. He makes me very happy and I'm assured I have the same affect on him. We chatted about it and Jonathan understands and accepts that sometimes there will be little things like that to remind me of Steve. He will never be forgotten and it is nice to know that Jonathan understands.

After the show, you guessed it, we headed off to the pub. After a few drinks we headed back to the hotel and had a few glasses of wine before turning in for the night. Saturday morning we had a lie in before heading off for breakfast. We had a lazy day, wandering about, stopping for a coffee and a chat and generally just enjoying being in each others company. It's no more complicated than that. Jonathan is easy to spend time with. I enjoy his quirky ways and keep noticing endearing characteristics, all of which make me smile and make me very happy.

When we got home last night it was lovely to just relax, after a bite to eat we curled up together on the sofa together, slouching in our dressing gowns. 

We've had another lie in today and it's past midday and Jonathan has only just got dressed, he's beat me to it though as I've not had a shower yet, I've spent time here sat here posting this blog, that's my excuse anyway.  I've no idea whats on the agenda for today, if I am honest I don't really care, I am just going to enjoy another day with someone special before I  go back to work tomorrow.

I hope you are having or have had a lovely weekend and I'll write soon.

xxx M xxx

I missed a bit...

I realised after I posted my blog yesterday that I had missed a whole chunk of weekend off my blog.

On Saturday I needed to pop out to deliver an eBay order.  There was a delay smit was easiest.  After that I drove for a while with no purpose.  Quite extravagant really given the price of fuel these days.  We stopped for a late breakfast then headed off to a stately home, Dunham Massey.  We didn't actually bother viewing the inside of the house we just wandered through the grounds.  It was lovely, there were ducks, deer and rabbits all around us.  

We got a posh ice cream and wandered back to the car then headed home.  Oddly we were both tired so after an afternoon snooze we relaxed for the rest of the night together.

On Sunday I decided to take Jonathan out for a few hours.  That sounds like he is an old lady in a home somewhere but basically I didn't tell him where I was taking him.  We headed off to Southport.  Not for any other reason than it is at the coast and it was a sunny day so sea air and British sunshine was the aim of the game.  

That being said, Steve and I were regularly in Southport when we had a pub there but we never visited there socially apart from attending a friends wedding one weekend.  

It was a lovely day, the sun was glorious! We walked along the pier and ate hot donuts!  The pier was very long, I don't know how long but it was a long walk.  We then went for a beer and following that decided to go for chips!  This, to those outside the UK may not seem exciting but this is TYPICAL British seaside!  Then, after that, in a sort of "double jeopardy" game we decided to go for ice cream! Fortunately we were not sick but it could have been disastrous! The picture below is of us at Southport.  If I wasn't posting from my iPad I would have linked on Wiki to tell you more about Southport but there's limited functionality so you'll have to Google it.

Sunday evening was spent chilling out.  On Monday morning we were up and out early.  We skipped breakfast and went for a long walk along the canal.  It was fresh, very sunny but not warm but this was fine.  We walked and chatted for ages, I just enjoy spending time with Jonathan.

We then headed home and had a light brunch before heading out to a friend's house for a late lunch.  It was lovely, it was a chance for Jonathan to meet more friends, properly, instead of a fleeting introduction.

After we left there we called to see some other friends before heading home before another relaxing night in.  

Yesterday we Spent most of the day out and about with Jonathan's dad.  We went for lunch with him and then pottered about a little.  The afternoon and evening was relaxed but I did manage to iron our clothes for London today.  This was after Jonathan's protest that I was preparing far to early.  It amuses me that Jonathan see's getting clothes ready and deciding what to wear as fussing whereas if he is filming then we will check and re-check every detail and that is OK.  It makes me smile.

 I can already see that our holiday prep will be "fun", I might just pack for him and tell him I've sorted it.  I'd love to be able to just go out and buy everything he needs and pack it all.  It would save a lot of stress.  I suppose it's just one of those things I find endearing about him.... for now at least!

Well right now Jon and I are en-route to London.  We got in to Manchester early so decided to go to the pub, a few drinks later and we got to the station just in time for our train.  We have reserved seats but have the misfortune to be sat next to some irritating people.  They were amusingly annoying for the first hour but as we enter the second hour they are starting to get right on my tits!  Fortunately there is only another 60 minutes of this journey left! 

Tonight we are meeting friends of Jonathan, it will be an interesting night I am sure.  Not least because his friend only learned a few days ago that Jon had split with his ex and is now with me... (a "big ginger cub" as I overheard him referring to me as - its a gay thing...)!

Well I am signing off for now but will ry and update in the next few days.

Xx M xX

Sent from my iPad

Ramblings of me....

Well it's been over a week and I've not written but I am looking back over the week and can see nothing but smiles really. Right now I am laid in bed next to Jonathan and enjoying a late start. It was a bank holiday yesterday so we have taken the rest of the week off. I was taking a few days off anyway but am pleased Jonathan is too.


Later this week we are off to London. I have a friend who received an OBE in the new years honours list so she's invited me along too to Buckingham Palace to see The Queen awarding her medal. It will be lovely to get to go in to the Palace and see The Queen and of course to see the whole ceremony. I will write more about that later this week.

Back to last week, there isn't a lot to say really, just work is, well, just work and home is good. On Wednesday Jonathan joined us and Steve's Mum for dinner in the evening. It's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but I think it is nice that Steve's Mum seems to get on well with Jonathan too.

I may of said it before but whilst I don't seek approval for my decisions from anyone I don't like the idea of my actions causing upset. We both understand how it may be difficult to see me with someone else, especially given the circumstances, and this goes for Jonathan too after such a long time with his ex but we are both mindful of that but, accept life is too short to be unhappy or to live to suit someone else's wishes so that's why we are where we are, just enjoying life and each other.

You'll recall if you read regularly that my last blog mentioned my disappointment with Facebook being unable to list me as a Widower and in a relationship. Well I haven't had a response from Facebook, not that I expected it but, it would have been nice.

Anyway, I changed my relationship status on Saturday to "In a relationship" with Jonathan. It surprised me that he did too as there are other issues for him but I was happy about it. It may not seem a big deal but it is, it's sort of publicly declaring the relationship as more than a passing fad. Now, maybe this is a difference between mature adults and teenagers but, many younger friends may change status after a second date but for me it needed to feel like more than a fling, (not that I am a 'fling' sort of guy anyway).

My change of mindset on this comes as a result of two things really. Firstly I recently posted on another widowed friends Facebook wall that "moving on doesn't mean forgetting it just means accepting", this came about as people had commented how cheery she was following the death of her husband. She has to move on, she has small children who need her love and attention but, like me, she was able to grieve for her lost future with her husband before he died. I can't explain but I hope you understand. Those who have experienced a terminal diagnosis will understand.

Secondly, I am very proud of Jonathan, he is a lovely guy and far from trying to eradicate Steve he is accepting of my situation, he never complains about anyone mentioning this guy who must seem like a hero from all the nice things people say about him. Whilst I can't deny Steve's existence and the influence he had on me I can not deny Jonathan's existence and how happy he has made me.

My relationship with Jonathan is equally as important as that with Steve but Jonathan is the present and Stephen and I can no longer be together physically so it is only right I do as I keep promising myself I will do and live for today, and, for those around me today. One of my "inspirational quotes" I have on my iPad reminds me of this and goes along the lines of, "the past is a nice place to look at but not to live in" by this I take it to mean accept and appreciate the journey you have been on. Allow it to shape your future but don't let it rule your present.

That's it I guess, that's where my blog has taken me today. I never know really when I set out where my blog will go. I just write and think with not too much thought of whether it makes sense, it's just the ramblings of me and these are just snippets of conversations I have with myself in my head.

Just thinking about other things, it's two weeks until my holiday, I still have a lot to sort, including travel insurance so these are all jobs on the mental list I have. I need to wash and pack holiday clothes but, before that I need to sort clothes for London. We are making best use of our train tickets and staying an extra two nights in London.

When I looked at the price of tickets etc the return tickets dropped in price drastically if we returned on Saturday, so much so that we were able to pay for a hotel for an extra night and return travel for just £10 more than the cost of an earlier return. It's not rocket science is it, just £10 more for an extra night away! Jonathan has been stressed and needed a break too so it's all worked out for the best. Hopefully he will return to work next week rejuvenated, inspired and fired up!

Finally, on a more sombre note this week has seen the passing of another BT Buddy, a guy with a brain tumour that Steve and I met at The Palace of Westminster when we went for the Behind The Mask exhibition in March 2011. (click here and scroll past the interviews to see Steve's mask and what he wrote about it) (Read more about his radiotherapy mask and how it was made, click here) He was a lovely lad, early 30's (like Steve) and so much to offer. It's so sad, he has left a young daughter too who will never know her Dad. I am also aware of some more BT Buddies in my wider circle too who have passed this week. It always makes me thoughtful to hear of these lives extinguished. My thoughts have been with the BTB team a lot this week, I want to help more and feel now I am in a good place I can do that more so.

Anyway that's me done, I shall email this off to myself from my iPad to my PC so I can add the pics so when I upload this later don't think I am lazy still being in bed mid afternoon, it's only 9.30am now, it's a day off work but I'm getting up, just as soon as I've had a hug and kiss from the dishy bloke beside me!

Xx M xX

A New Box! A New Rant!

I am sure many of you will look at that title and wonder... “what the hell?.....” So, here goes. Anyone that knows me now or who has known me over the years knows I have a bit of a thing for boxes. Not the cardboard variety but just nice boxes. I have special boxes for cufflinks, obviously one for jewellery and another for watches. There’s some with photos and some for photos which are in frames, (I tend to move pictures around). There are some full of trinkets and bits and some that I may not have looked in for many months but in addition to those I have memory boxes too. I say boxes as in plural as there are a few. The most recent being obviously one which has a lot of Stuff from Steve’s last 18 months or so in there. In short, I have bought a new box, I will explain.

You may or may not be a friend with me on Facebook, it doesn’t matter if you are not because I will explain. This weekend I got more than a little frustrated with Facebook. This was because I realised how very restrictive it can be. These thoughts were brought about as I looked at the pictures I had just had delivered, they were pictures Jonathan and I have taken since we have been together and there was one I had printed so I could frame it. I really like the picture and it’s a nice memory, taken just a month after we first met.

To go with this “marker” I thought it would be nice to update my relationship status to “In a relationship”, not for any other reason than I think it is quite positive to be able to show that there can be life after bereavement, for others who are facing difficult times such as I have endured and for family and friends who are, on times, afraid to comment on how “happy” you seem as they don’t want to cause offence or appear disrespectful to the lost loved one.

To me, a relationship status of “Widowed & In a relationship” would sum up exactly where I am at. Unfortunately Facebook disagrees as I can only be one or the other. Now this puts me in a quandary. I would and could never deny I am a widower but at the same time I don’t want to deny I am in a new relationship. At what point do I make the change from Widower to whatever is next? When I re-marry? When a specific period of time has passed or just when the wind is blowing in the right direction? Even when I do re-marry then surely I would still be a Widower all be it a re-married Widower? Am I holding too much emphasis on that status as the surviving spouse? I think I know the answer, I think it has to be when I am ready to make the switch.

It is true that for a period of time when first bereaved you automatically gain a certain amount of understanding, sympathy and tolerance from people around you, “Oh, he’s just lost his husband.....” etc but I am sure that fades over time as people become used to the new ‘norm’. By keeping my widowed status am I preventing others from moving on? Does this make seeing me with someone else more difficult for them? Already it’s been mentioned that getting used to saying Mark & Jonathan feels odd especially when they are used to Mark & Steve. The top and bottom of all this though is that I don’t have an answer, there is no right and no wrong. I feel truly blessed to have met Jonathan though and, even more so when I see and hear how comfortable he is with Steve and his memory. I even heard him chatting to the Cat yesterday asking her if she missed her Daddy Steve?! Clearly the cat didn’t reply she just continued to purr but I am happy that Steve seems to have become a part of Jonathan’s life too. In an odd sort of way I wish they had both been able to meet, I am sure they would have got on fantastically. My relationship status will change soon, in the meantime I have sent an email to Facebook to note my disappointment and suggest this may need re-thinking.

Back to the new box though. Because I am at this new and exciting point with Jonathan I want to enjoy it and I want to be able to look back and remember all those fun things we did together in the early days. I have bought a new leather box, it’s quite big but, I hope it will fill over the years with many tokens, scraps of paper, tickets or any and all manner of things which will probably have no monetary value just a sentimental one. I’ve started with a few ticket stubs and a photo album which I have started to fill. I’m also taking the time to add dates to the pictures as it can be tiresome to try and recall when a picture was taken. I hope Jonathan will add bits to it too as it’s as much his memory box as mine now.... It is empty and waiting to be filled in just the same way as those megabytes of web space I have waiting to be populated and the blank pages of Jonathan’s diary he has yet to fill.

So that’s it, that’s all about the new box. I will tell you a little about our weekend though before I go. Friday night was lovely, just the two of us and two cats, sat in with dinner, a few drinks, soft music and plenty of chat. On Saturday we got up and after a light breakfast headed out to meet friends for afternoon tea in Manchester. Well, as you may expect, tea led to beer which led to further beer, we stayed out for dinner though and another drink and finally left Manchester after 10.00pm. It was a lovely relaxed and spontaneous day with good company, good food and good drinks too. I am very much looking forward to doing it again. Yesterday was a busy day, we had a late start but a friend called in and met Jonathan then we headed out to see family before coming back so more friends could meet Jonathan. He is becoming somewhat of a tourist attraction, I guess it may be the bunny pictures that did it.... hmmm did I post that here? Well here goes, he will hate it but I think he looks cute!

We relaxed last night and again just sat and chatted over a few drinks. I didn’t want to get up this morning but when I did I was smiling! This was because Jonathan had got up just a few minutes before and showed me his “Alarm Clock Dance”! I have no idea how to explain this but it is suffice to say I have never seen anything like it and it’s the first time in a long time I have chuckled as I got up on a Monday morning.

Well I hope your day has been a good one and I will be back to write again soon.

xxMxx

A Birthday and a Funeral

Here goes, I thought this blog post may have been drafted through teary eyes, I am sure you will understand why when you read on but, I am pleased to say that I am doing OK and whilst tears have not been consciously excluded from my life they tend not to feature so much anymore. I am happy with this change and, I must admit, somewhat surprised too. I’ll explain.


On Monday I woke up and felt awful, I doubt it is more than a cold or a virus of some sort but I ached all over, I had a fuzzy head and a sore throat. I’ve used past tense but I still feel the same now, it seems to come over me in waves, I felt awful earlier between 3 and 6pm but feel slightly better now. I’m self medicating when I remember to take the tablets etc but I hope it has all cleared for the weekend.

Yesterday (Tuesday) was, or would have been, Stephens 33rd Birthday. He was desperate to get to 33 as it would signify him beating the doctors diagnosis. Here is what Steve wrote about it last year. (CLICK HERE) Reading this brings back a lot of memories, I still miss Steve but I talk about him still almost every day, (really it probably IS every day), and Jonathan is fine with this. He understands Steve was and is still a part of my life and I appreciate that so much, the fact that he is so comfortable with Stephen. He says he feels he knows Stephen even though he has never met him as he has heard so many stories from Me, from Family and from friends. He also understands though that Steve is not a threat to our relationship, in fact, because of Steve I now have a different outlook on life and this will have certainly helped us grow together as a couple. Life is too short so take that happiness and never let it go and, if you love someone make sure they know it.

As for yesterday though I anticipated earlier this year that it may be a tough day so I booked myself on to a charity fundraising training course yesterday morning. I did that months ago as I thought by using the day productively to learn how I could help others then I would be paying tribute to Steve and not letting the cancer win. I then spent the afternoon and early evening at a work event with a load of children aged 6 – 10 and their excitement over the activities we were running was lovely. I forgot all my worries when I realised how tough these kids lives had been and their laughter and noise made me smile.

Last night when I arrived home Jonathan was already here, it was lovely to come home to him being here already sat chatting and supping a brew, it felt right and cosy and it made me smile inside and out to see that he is now feeling more comfortable here. He probably won’t thank me for saying it, but he was initially a little less relaxed here (and I understand this), but now, he really seems to have settled. I like that and it seems other members of the family, including the cats, like that too.

After a quick drink it was off out for dinner and a film. Last night we saw Mirror Mirror it was a good film, the cinema was really empty so we snuggled up together and just enjoyed each others company as well as the film.

Today has been another tough day. Jonathan and I attended the funeral of the father of a close friend. This is the second funeral I have been to since Steve’s but, given that yesterday could have been a very emotional day Jonathan wanted to show his support not only for our friend but also for me and came along too.

I have to say it isn’t how I would imagine a day out with a new partner and I hope that it is many years before we do that again but, it was lovely to have Jonathan with me, I really appreciated him being there and caring for our friends and of course for caring how difficult the situation could have been for me too. The funeral went off without a hitch and was as nice as any funeral can be. We were not able to stay on and drink a toast to him though as I had to get to the office for a meeting which, I managed to get to moments after my guest.

The rest of the day has been busy but tonight Steve’s Mum visited. She brought a local delicacy for dinner this evening, Potato Hash, it’s a sort of stew type thing and is apparently quite “northern”. Steve used to make it too and it is the first time we have had it since he passed away. I think he had a hand in this too though as in true Steve style it burnt a little in the pan, it really was delicious though and now I know she is almost as good as Steve at making it I might ask her to cook it again. Steve’s Mum shares her birthday with Steve so yesterday was tough for her too but, on advice, (pushing) from me she went with Steve’s Dad to see Phantom Of The Opera in Manchester last night it has had mixed reviews (SEE HERE) but they said it was fantastic. I am pleased that they enjoyed it though, not least because I had suggested it and it was Steve’s favourite musical too so a fitting way to mark his birthday too.

So there you have it, you can now see why it could have been a difficult blog to write but, it’s done and it has made me feel happy and smiley. I keep saying it but these feel like the happier days I had hoped for all those months ago.

Until next time, goodnight and take care xxx

Mark

I think I win the great dressing gown debate!

As another weekend draws to a close I need to update my blog again I think. Since I wrote last I have been really rather busy. On Wednesday I was back at the exhibition with work. There was no significant highlight on Wednesday as I had no special visitors. The exhibition did close an hour early though so I guess that highlights how quiet it had got. Despite closing early because we had a vehicle indoors we had to be one of the last to leave so as not to offend the lungs of those around us with our stinky 30 year old bus and associated fumes!


Thursday was a busy “catch up” day at the office, being out for two days doesn’t help with the backlog of work. I also had an offsite meeting to attend but, on the plus side again Jonathan had a meeting nearby so called in for a coffee, it was a welcome and pleasant surprise. After work I called to his office, for no good reason other than he had said it’d be nice for me to. I was pleased as I wanted to see him too. The gaps between us seeing each other seem to take forever and time together is lovely. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and it is right now. I really don’t know how it will feel being away from him for two weeks when I go away in May but I guess I am going to find out.

After a visit to the takeaway on Thursday evening we sat and chatted to my parents for a while. I was nice as we sort of chatted about how my parents feel about “us” too. I am pleased to say they have been supportive as has Steve’s Mum. Even though I am not really seeking approval I am pleased they, and my friends are all happy for me and us. I can imagine the nagging thoughts at the back of people’s minds but, I am sure none of them would be unfamiliar to either Jonathan or I and we have discussed those too.

I have not had a single doubt so far. I guess because I have experienced such difficult times and have lost a true love forever then I appreciate life is too short to be unhappy. I recognise these feelings that are making a welcome return. You never really realise how unhappy you were until you are able to compare it to real happiness.

On Friday I dropped Jonathan off at work and went back to trying to clear my backlog of work. On Friday evening we visited friends and then sat in with a nice homemade curry and did our best to empty the alcohol cupboard. We certainly did our bit for recycling this weekend by giving them plenty of bottles to smash up and make into something else. I have no idea what vodka, or whisky bottles get made in to but I am sure our contributions will be appreciated by someone somewhere.

On Saturday, following a late start we visited family then headed off for an early dinner at Chaobaby with a few glasses of wine and then to the cinema to see The Hunger Games. It was a lovely day as we then came home and watched Chicago together as we snuggled on the sofa in our dressing gowns, or “housecoats” (if you are from an older generation).  I think this definition though proves it is a dressing gown not a housecoat!

Today has been a lazy day, a lovely lie in this morning meant a late breakfast and a relaxing day. A friend visited this afternoon whom I’ve not seen since January. Apart from that I have meddled doing some crafty type things which will eventually make their way into gifts for a number of different people.

Tonight I have a night alone hence blogging but, I have a heap of other things I want to try and get done too.

Before I go though I just want to say again, thanks for reading and, thanks for commenting too. Some of you email others comment here or elsewhere but it’s nice to know that I am able to give hope to others. Please feel free to share my blog on Facebook or Twitter too.

Goodnight and Bye for now,
Mark

Not giving up.... Not now, not ever!

Well it hasn't been that long since I wrote last but seeing as I have time right now I thought I'd get a few words jotted down.  Today I am at a business event, there are over 3,000 visitors expected over two days but, I have to say today has been very disappointing in terms of quantity of visitors but what it has lacked in quantity I would like to think we have made up for in terms of quality as I have had quite a lot of decent conversations today.

I am not going to dwell too much on work and that really is as positive as I can be.  I have learned a lot today though.

On a different note Jonathan came over to the exhibition centre and that really made my afternoon, finally someone I REALLY wanted to speak to and someone who I wanted to smile with not have to smile at if that makes sense?

It's been a really long day so far and it is only 17.30, this event is due to finish around 19.00 and then I'm back tomorrow.

I've been thinking today though how much I have really changed in the past few months.  I noticed after chatting to a guy today that he had been very nice and seemed very interested in what I had to say.  The level of interest he showed was almost the same a Jonathan when I met him but clearly the difference was I wasn't interested in him and, I don't think he was interested in me as a person but more as a representative of the organisation I work for.

We discussed a few weeks ago, Jonathan and I, how our sub conscious is able to pick up on "vibes" that our conscious mind misses and that is why we felt fate has brought us together as the spark was just there from that very first hello.... I wanted to talk to him but, I didn't know this until he turned to me and introduced himself.  Then I realised he was warm, friendly and handsome too.  I wanted to know more about him and, I am pleased he was happy to talk too, even though at that point we could never know what the fates had in store for us.  

The reason I think I may have changed though is that in general I am connecting with people in a different way, I am certainly sensing different "vibes" and I like it.  I guess having a difficult life experience has truly changed me so not only do I believe life is too short to be unhappy, but perhaps I am projecting that too and therefore people want to be close to me and enjoy the positivity I try to draw around myself?  Yes I still get down days but, I see hope in things around us.

I see hope in the leaves budding on the trees, hope that tomorrow those bright green leaves will unfurl and unleash the first days of summer.  I see hope in the clouds in the sky, hope that tomorrow or the day after may be a sunny day with  a bright blue sky.  I see hope in myself too, hope that after such a difficult time I can use my experiences to help others and show them that the future  may look difficult but it will be worth it.

That really; I suppose is the point of my blog today, I took a long time to get there and I didn't know where it was heading when I started out but hope.  If I can leave you with anything at all I would like it to be hope.  I know many people are facing difficult times, some facing days and weeks ahead much like I experienced after Steve's passing but, now I am here and things are 'happening' I can see I am experiencing those brighter days I had hoped for.  Don't give up hope.

Bye for now,

Mark x

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A busy week, dance routines and big smiles

Phew, hasn't time gone quickly. It's been a week since I posted last. It's been a great week too.


I know in my previous post I eluded to why I have been very happy of late and that happiness and smileyness has continued. and, I hope it will continue for very much longer too.

Back to last week though, on Tuesday Jonathan invited me to see Steps. I knew it would be a late night but, it seemed even later after being woken at 3am to be told my Dad was being taken to hospital with "Chest pains". He's had a heart attack before so obviously your mind thinks the worse. As it turned out it was an angina attack but still, being woken so early meant I was sapped of energy for Steps.

Before I went I would have insisted that I knew very few of their songs and knew none of their dance routines. By the end of the concert, whilst I could re-confirm I knew none of the dance routines, I knew all of their songs, well at very least all of those they sung in concert.

It was a lovely night and it was fun to see that Jonathan knew all of the routines as well as the words. I watched in near amazement of every perfectly choreographed move and gesture, as I said though it was also fun to see. In part because his energy and enthusiasm was extremely contagious!

My week seemed to be taking a turn for the worse on Wednesday when I received a call from home saying there was water leaking in through the bedroom ceiling so off I went to sort that too. On Thursday I was up and out early for a breakfast meeting, it started at 7.15 which is really not when I function best, I prefer evenings. I had a full day though of meetings and things to sort for work but, fingers crossed, they will all fall in to place later today ready for an event I am working on tomorrow and Wednesday.

Friday was a long day at work, fighting tiredness from the week I struggled to get through the day, so much so that when I got home I dozed off whilst watching the news. After J arrived home we decided to go out and have a few drinks. We headed off into town and had a lovely time. There was no agenda, no plans to meet up with anyone but, we managed to bump into some friends and ended up being out until the early hours of Saturday morning. It was nice not to have an agenda.

Following a late start on Saturday it was nice to see some more friends and then head out for dinner and a browse around the shops before a relaxing night in. I think that has been something we have both enjoyed over recent weeks. The chance to relax with no agenda or timescale to work to.

On Sunday we had another lazy morning but then called to visit family, and friends before heading into Manchester to attend a party. Steve's Mum got to meet Jonathan along with a few other friends too, so again it was just nice to be able to spend time together with no agenda. We ended up snuggling on the sofa again last night with a bottle of wine and a film before a reasonable early night. I was up for 5.30 this morning so it wasn't a late night.

I think, in part, that’s what has been nice about the past few weeks, the chance to sit, relax and do very little other than being happy in the company of someone that makes you smile. It sounds sickly sweet, I suppose it is, but it's still been nice. We've made each other happy and I hope it continues for a very long time to come. There are still a lot of things to sort for us both but those will sort themselves out in time, for now we're just enjoying life.

Well, that’s about all my news for now, I'm off to sort a few more things before I dash off to collect some things from a supplier for work so I will write soon, I hope you've had or are having a lovely day wherever you are and whatever you're up to.

Xx M xX

Laziness

Another weekend has passed, this one was a long one.  I have been in hibernation though for most of it, in a good "taking time out" way not in a "woe is me" way.

Friday was a very lazy day, I felt ill all day and whilst I was inspired to be a little creative, (that's something I will blog about properly in due course), I still managed to spend most of the day relaxing and part of it dozing whilst watching dodgy TV.   I did feel better in the evening though but had a reasonably early night.

On Saturday I was up at a decent time and then, after I sorted, packed and posted a load of eBay stuff I headed out to the shops.  After a spot of lunch there were a few Easter deliveries to sort, then, with that all done it was off home for a relaxing night in front of the TV.  Some classic films.

Sunday was great, yet another lazy day, (you may be sensing a theme here).  A lovely lazy day not bothering to get dressed until 4pm, ready for dinner with friends at 5pm.  It wasn't really a boozy night, it was a lovely night though.

Today has been yet another lazy-ish day.  A walk in the rain along the canal before a hearty roast dinner.  

On reflection it has been a great weekend.  Back to work tomorrow though and there's loads to catch up on as I have a big event planned for next week at work so I'm just pulling the final bits together, flyers and staff uniform etc

Well , that's me done really for this post,  I will be back soon 

Xx M xX

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Just a quick update before bed.

Today has been a lovely day, the weather has been glorious and, following a late start to the day I went in to the office and got a few things sorted but felt awful.  I was happy but physically I felt really groggy with a thick headache.

I rarely have a headache but I did today, I took a couple of pills and left the office just before 3pm.  Fortunately I live close to work so was in bed for 3.10

I had called Jonathan on the way home and he said he was tired too.  He called around late this afternoon before going to see his friend and it was lovely to see him, it wasn't planned and I like that, I have never been 'stand offish' if I like someone then I enjoy and appreciate our time together and, I am pleased he seems to feel happy to just enjoy the spontaneity of life too.

When he left this evening I called to see some friends too, on the way home I called into the express store to get something to eat.  I ended up with a sandwich and a bar of chocolate, I really couldn't be bothered cooking and a takeaway was of no interest to me.   

I've slouched on the sofa tonight with a nice cup of Earl Grey tea, I'm on to my second cup now (woo! No work tomorrow and celebrating with Tea! This really IS the high life!) and the Adele concert is being aired on TV so the volume is almost full blast and I'm singing along despite trying to drink tea and type at the same time.  I think she is beautiful, both in terms of looks and such a soulful voice.  Oh, and I even managed a little dance with myself (I could fib and say I danced with the cat),  on my way back to the sofa with a brew.  Right now I am doing a sort of chair dance as I type and sing.... 

Well that's about all for now, I still have a fuzzy head so after Adele has finished I think I will head off to bed and have sweet dreams of sweet dreamy things.

Goodnight,

M x

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Cooking....

Again, it's been a few days since I updated my blog and a lot has happened, well, it feels like a lot.

On Saturday after my last blog was published it generated quite some interest and a fair amount of feedback too.  Not all of it welcome or positive.  I understood the reasons though.

If you've read the last few entries you'll have noticed my complete change in focus.  This is quite simply due to meeting someone who, I am surprised to say, has completely turned my world upside down.

Many people since Steve passed have said I would meet someone else and I was dead set against it.  No way, never! We're my initial thoughts but over the months my views have changed to yes,  maybe one day.

After meeting Jonathan I now think that the 'one day' I envisaged as a long way off is here now.  Jonathan is a great guy and I am already very happy with him and am looking forward to a bright and exciting future.

Unfortunately, as we know not all things in life are straight forward and this story is no exception.  Jonathan has split from his partner, it's not for me to discuss here but clearly Jonathan adjusted to his situation quicker than his previous partner.

I don't need to elaborate on the situation as its not my place to discuss their business but I am pleased to say that what was turning in to a stressful and highly charged situation has now cooled somewhat.  Whilst I have no desire to be caught in any 'crossfire' I will still be there to support Jonathan.  Fortunately now it seems things can be resolved in an amicable fashion.

Both parties want to remain friends as they have a lot of history together and this can be achieved, it can be difficult but I am pleased to count at least two of my previous partners as friends now.  The latest being as a direct result of Stephen defending my ex! Typical Steve, always the peacemaker.

Anyway, moving on from that tonight (Wednesday) I am cooking for Jonathan.  I really enjoy cooking for someone else and Steve was always a willing guinea pig for my trials.  I hope Jonathan won't object to being a guinea pig too, I sort of guess he won't.  Right now whilst I am typing this I have some things simmering on the job and I am supping Babycham.  Things are good and I am happy.

 Well I've just had a text from Jonathan, he's been texting me all day, 11 hours to go, 9 hours, 5 hours etc all on countdown to being here and collecting the huge hug I have waiting for him.  I love his excitement, it is very endearing and I mean that in a good way not a patronising way.

I'll no doubt update over the weekend, I am actually also going to let Jonathan read this before I post it as I really don't want to rock the boat for him and cause any stress but I really do want to shout from the rooftops about how happy he has made me and how lovely I think he is.

Bye for now,

M x

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Significant for the right reasons

Well I've debated this blog entry in my head for a few days now.  I could explain why but because my blog is reflective of my life and of those around me whom I care about it is difficult.

I would like to point out, or perhaps highlight for newer readers, that this blog started to form some 18 months ago as a way to communicate with friends over the progression of a terminal illness.  Since then it has become so much more and has been referred to by others as an inspiration, a comfort and a glimmer of hope.  John F. Kennedy once said, "We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes".

That's where I am at right now I guess.  I am hopeful.  Hopeful of a future that is as bright and as sunny as these past few days.  There are many reasons for this renewed hope, including the weather, a change of attitude and a chance meeting at a business function recently.

I've pondered whether the chance meeting is a chance meeting or fate playing it's part.  There is little doubt that it is fate.  The circumstances and situations around us both are complex and, had this chance meeting happened just one month earlier then it may not have been significant but right now, attending that one business event has had a significant affect on my life.

I am trying not to be cryptic, it is simply that someone has come in to my life and reminded me what it is like to live, to smile and to be happy again.  I feel and hope the feeling is reciprocated and right now I  am enjoying this new phase of my life.

Is it a happy ending to a tale about a terminal illness or is it a new beginning.... hopefully it will be both.

As I mentioned though before, the situation is complex, there are real people and emotions on the peripheries who are or may be finding it difficult to adjust but, for me this isn't about moving on or forgetting Steve but respecting him and in a way thanking him for reminding me life is too short to be unhappy. 

A few months ago I could never have imagined being in this situation, with a chance to take a second bite of the happiness cherry but here I am on unfamiliar territory, a happy place.  I could go on but I wont, for now.

Aside from that snippet of info things are normal.  I say snippet but for me it is very important. For a start it features here, there's so much trivia I censor from my blog so yes, this is more than a fleeting fad.... I hope.

Work this week has been OK, a lot of meetings and quite a lot of stuff to sort through really but it has been OK.  My "reward" came today in the form of a networking lunch at the Midland Hotel a fancy hotel, and a fancy schmancy lunch too.  I really like it there and Steve always reminded me how it is where Mr Rolls met Mr Royce.  They've had loads of famous guests and to me it is the type of place you host a function where you are looking to impress people.  It's just lovely.  Apart from that though it is next door to Steve's old office,it was odd walking past there but it felt good too.  Good that it didn't "creep me out" or make me feel uneasy, it simply brought a warm smile and happy memories so again this re-assures me that life is getting better, so much so in fact I have to pinch myself sometimes to check if its real.  It is and I am!

Have a great weekend whatever you're up to xxx

Mark

Is it possible to overdose on this?

That's what I am finding myself thinking right now.   Better than any drug I am of course referring to happiness.  Things have taken a distinct upward turn lately.  Life is much brighter and I have started to notice a glimpse in the mirror of a Mark I once knew some 18+ months ago before Cancer brought my world crashing down around me.

There have been happier times over that period but for the main I have become used to a certain numbness.  That seems to be lifting, like a chick breaking out of its shell so I am emerging from the fog.

I know what has caused this change and for now, as it's a new change, and a new outlook for me I am going to keep it under wraps.  I will share with you once the time is right but rest assured that despite some difficult and challenging situations around me, not least the lack of a buyer for our house, I am still managing to smile and rediscover the happiness within. 

Work is ticking along nicely and other things are moving around me.  There is so much I could write.  For now though I'm going to sign off and I'll write soon but, before I go, I'd like to say thank you to all my/our family and friends, in person and online, who have borne with me through the bleak times.  I really appreciate all the support I've received.

Xx M xX

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