A busy week, dance routines and big smiles

Phew, hasn't time gone quickly. It's been a week since I posted last. It's been a great week too.


I know in my previous post I eluded to why I have been very happy of late and that happiness and smileyness has continued. and, I hope it will continue for very much longer too.

Back to last week though, on Tuesday Jonathan invited me to see Steps. I knew it would be a late night but, it seemed even later after being woken at 3am to be told my Dad was being taken to hospital with "Chest pains". He's had a heart attack before so obviously your mind thinks the worse. As it turned out it was an angina attack but still, being woken so early meant I was sapped of energy for Steps.

Before I went I would have insisted that I knew very few of their songs and knew none of their dance routines. By the end of the concert, whilst I could re-confirm I knew none of the dance routines, I knew all of their songs, well at very least all of those they sung in concert.

It was a lovely night and it was fun to see that Jonathan knew all of the routines as well as the words. I watched in near amazement of every perfectly choreographed move and gesture, as I said though it was also fun to see. In part because his energy and enthusiasm was extremely contagious!

My week seemed to be taking a turn for the worse on Wednesday when I received a call from home saying there was water leaking in through the bedroom ceiling so off I went to sort that too. On Thursday I was up and out early for a breakfast meeting, it started at 7.15 which is really not when I function best, I prefer evenings. I had a full day though of meetings and things to sort for work but, fingers crossed, they will all fall in to place later today ready for an event I am working on tomorrow and Wednesday.

Friday was a long day at work, fighting tiredness from the week I struggled to get through the day, so much so that when I got home I dozed off whilst watching the news. After J arrived home we decided to go out and have a few drinks. We headed off into town and had a lovely time. There was no agenda, no plans to meet up with anyone but, we managed to bump into some friends and ended up being out until the early hours of Saturday morning. It was nice not to have an agenda.

Following a late start on Saturday it was nice to see some more friends and then head out for dinner and a browse around the shops before a relaxing night in. I think that has been something we have both enjoyed over recent weeks. The chance to relax with no agenda or timescale to work to.

On Sunday we had another lazy morning but then called to visit family, and friends before heading into Manchester to attend a party. Steve's Mum got to meet Jonathan along with a few other friends too, so again it was just nice to be able to spend time together with no agenda. We ended up snuggling on the sofa again last night with a bottle of wine and a film before a reasonable early night. I was up for 5.30 this morning so it wasn't a late night.

I think, in part, that’s what has been nice about the past few weeks, the chance to sit, relax and do very little other than being happy in the company of someone that makes you smile. It sounds sickly sweet, I suppose it is, but it's still been nice. We've made each other happy and I hope it continues for a very long time to come. There are still a lot of things to sort for us both but those will sort themselves out in time, for now we're just enjoying life.

Well, that’s about all my news for now, I'm off to sort a few more things before I dash off to collect some things from a supplier for work so I will write soon, I hope you've had or are having a lovely day wherever you are and whatever you're up to.

Xx M xX

Highs and Lows

Today has been another odd one.  It sort of started on a low, I felt pretty low, just sad and depressed, it's still no easier waking up alone.  I always say goodnight and good morning to Steve but he never replies anymore, my morning hug is usually a text or an email which has come in overnight and it is now always my turn to make the bed in the morning, I am always the last one out of bed so I get to make it.  I am also the first out of bed so perhaps I should have a word with myself.

This morning motivation was lacking completely, I guess I still felt pretty flat from the weekend.  I know i needed to sort stuff for Sheffield this weekend but couldn't be bothered, it wasn;t a personal thing i also wanted a brew but couldn't be bothered with making it.

Someone from work was supposed to come and see me this afternoon, he didn't show.  Either he forgot or whatever he wanted to discuss with me was not that important.  If I had a busy social schedule then I may have been frustrated to have waited in all day, I was in all day anyway so it didn't matter.

I started this afternoon on preparations for Sheffield, focussing on something other than the computer and away from the computer was a huge benefit.  After a few hours outside, searching for stuff and then being creative I felt so much better.  So much so that I want to do some more so hopefully tomorrow will be a creative day and a good day with good memories of Steve.  He loved being creative, if you ever meet her ask his Mum about his "Stained Glass".

Oh, something I forgot to mention the other day, when speaking to someone about Steve passing away, it must have been the pensions people anyway, either way they took some details from me and said they would write a letter.  I received the letter a few days ago.  It was from the DWP.  They thanked me for my application for Widowers benefit, (I didn't know I had applied), but they told me as Steve (and I) are under 45 we (I) am not entitled to it.  It seems I cannot be classed as a Widower, (by the DWP at least) unless I have attained the ripe old age of 45.  Steve would have loved to get to 45, in fact he was REALLY looking forward to getting to 33, mainly because it would have signified him surviving 19 months after the 12-18 month prognosis so technically beating the odds, he got 9 months.  I suppose we should be grateful for that.

What am I though if I am not a Widower?  Well, not for another 9 years or so anyway, am I in some 'other' category for now like "Widower in waiting" or something?  Who knows?  I am notgoing to stress about it, who needs a label anyway, Steve was more than my Husband he was my soul mate, husband sort of trivialises the relationship.  We always felt "Partner" to be a stronger word, even though we were "Married" (A Civil Partnership is a form of marriage), we felt Partner conveyed more of what and who we were, we were two individuals who are together as partners in life because we WANT to be there, not because of or as a result of a piece of paper but through choice, free will and an invisible unbreakable bond.

This evening I have spent time trawling the internet again.  I've actually re-visited the Macmillan website. http://community.macmillan.org.uk/, it's OK I guess and the people there are nice but it is just a bit slow.  Apparently there is an upgrade to it soon so hopefully it will become more user friendly.  Someone there though has visited our site, http://troubleonline.co.uk/ and has seen the pictures there of Steve and just commented how "right" we looked together and how beautiful Steve's eyes were.

I loved Steve's eyes, I had lots of favourite parts of Steve but his eyes just told me all I needed to know without him having to utter a word, I miss his eyes twinkling back at me, yes I have photographs but they don't twinkle like the real thing, I guess I have my memories though.

Well my mind is racing now and there is SO much I could write but I don't think it'snecessary.  I will say goodnight for now and will write again soon.

Lots of love xxx Mark xxx