Ramblings of me....

Well it's been over a week and I've not written but I am looking back over the week and can see nothing but smiles really. Right now I am laid in bed next to Jonathan and enjoying a late start. It was a bank holiday yesterday so we have taken the rest of the week off. I was taking a few days off anyway but am pleased Jonathan is too.


Later this week we are off to London. I have a friend who received an OBE in the new years honours list so she's invited me along too to Buckingham Palace to see The Queen awarding her medal. It will be lovely to get to go in to the Palace and see The Queen and of course to see the whole ceremony. I will write more about that later this week.

Back to last week, there isn't a lot to say really, just work is, well, just work and home is good. On Wednesday Jonathan joined us and Steve's Mum for dinner in the evening. It's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but I think it is nice that Steve's Mum seems to get on well with Jonathan too.

I may of said it before but whilst I don't seek approval for my decisions from anyone I don't like the idea of my actions causing upset. We both understand how it may be difficult to see me with someone else, especially given the circumstances, and this goes for Jonathan too after such a long time with his ex but we are both mindful of that but, accept life is too short to be unhappy or to live to suit someone else's wishes so that's why we are where we are, just enjoying life and each other.

You'll recall if you read regularly that my last blog mentioned my disappointment with Facebook being unable to list me as a Widower and in a relationship. Well I haven't had a response from Facebook, not that I expected it but, it would have been nice.

Anyway, I changed my relationship status on Saturday to "In a relationship" with Jonathan. It surprised me that he did too as there are other issues for him but I was happy about it. It may not seem a big deal but it is, it's sort of publicly declaring the relationship as more than a passing fad. Now, maybe this is a difference between mature adults and teenagers but, many younger friends may change status after a second date but for me it needed to feel like more than a fling, (not that I am a 'fling' sort of guy anyway).

My change of mindset on this comes as a result of two things really. Firstly I recently posted on another widowed friends Facebook wall that "moving on doesn't mean forgetting it just means accepting", this came about as people had commented how cheery she was following the death of her husband. She has to move on, she has small children who need her love and attention but, like me, she was able to grieve for her lost future with her husband before he died. I can't explain but I hope you understand. Those who have experienced a terminal diagnosis will understand.

Secondly, I am very proud of Jonathan, he is a lovely guy and far from trying to eradicate Steve he is accepting of my situation, he never complains about anyone mentioning this guy who must seem like a hero from all the nice things people say about him. Whilst I can't deny Steve's existence and the influence he had on me I can not deny Jonathan's existence and how happy he has made me.

My relationship with Jonathan is equally as important as that with Steve but Jonathan is the present and Stephen and I can no longer be together physically so it is only right I do as I keep promising myself I will do and live for today, and, for those around me today. One of my "inspirational quotes" I have on my iPad reminds me of this and goes along the lines of, "the past is a nice place to look at but not to live in" by this I take it to mean accept and appreciate the journey you have been on. Allow it to shape your future but don't let it rule your present.

That's it I guess, that's where my blog has taken me today. I never know really when I set out where my blog will go. I just write and think with not too much thought of whether it makes sense, it's just the ramblings of me and these are just snippets of conversations I have with myself in my head.

Just thinking about other things, it's two weeks until my holiday, I still have a lot to sort, including travel insurance so these are all jobs on the mental list I have. I need to wash and pack holiday clothes but, before that I need to sort clothes for London. We are making best use of our train tickets and staying an extra two nights in London.

When I looked at the price of tickets etc the return tickets dropped in price drastically if we returned on Saturday, so much so that we were able to pay for a hotel for an extra night and return travel for just £10 more than the cost of an earlier return. It's not rocket science is it, just £10 more for an extra night away! Jonathan has been stressed and needed a break too so it's all worked out for the best. Hopefully he will return to work next week rejuvenated, inspired and fired up!

Finally, on a more sombre note this week has seen the passing of another BT Buddy, a guy with a brain tumour that Steve and I met at The Palace of Westminster when we went for the Behind The Mask exhibition in March 2011. (click here and scroll past the interviews to see Steve's mask and what he wrote about it) (Read more about his radiotherapy mask and how it was made, click here) He was a lovely lad, early 30's (like Steve) and so much to offer. It's so sad, he has left a young daughter too who will never know her Dad. I am also aware of some more BT Buddies in my wider circle too who have passed this week. It always makes me thoughtful to hear of these lives extinguished. My thoughts have been with the BTB team a lot this week, I want to help more and feel now I am in a good place I can do that more so.

Anyway that's me done, I shall email this off to myself from my iPad to my PC so I can add the pics so when I upload this later don't think I am lazy still being in bed mid afternoon, it's only 9.30am now, it's a day off work but I'm getting up, just as soon as I've had a hug and kiss from the dishy bloke beside me!

Xx M xX

A busy week, dance routines and big smiles

Phew, hasn't time gone quickly. It's been a week since I posted last. It's been a great week too.


I know in my previous post I eluded to why I have been very happy of late and that happiness and smileyness has continued. and, I hope it will continue for very much longer too.

Back to last week though, on Tuesday Jonathan invited me to see Steps. I knew it would be a late night but, it seemed even later after being woken at 3am to be told my Dad was being taken to hospital with "Chest pains". He's had a heart attack before so obviously your mind thinks the worse. As it turned out it was an angina attack but still, being woken so early meant I was sapped of energy for Steps.

Before I went I would have insisted that I knew very few of their songs and knew none of their dance routines. By the end of the concert, whilst I could re-confirm I knew none of the dance routines, I knew all of their songs, well at very least all of those they sung in concert.

It was a lovely night and it was fun to see that Jonathan knew all of the routines as well as the words. I watched in near amazement of every perfectly choreographed move and gesture, as I said though it was also fun to see. In part because his energy and enthusiasm was extremely contagious!

My week seemed to be taking a turn for the worse on Wednesday when I received a call from home saying there was water leaking in through the bedroom ceiling so off I went to sort that too. On Thursday I was up and out early for a breakfast meeting, it started at 7.15 which is really not when I function best, I prefer evenings. I had a full day though of meetings and things to sort for work but, fingers crossed, they will all fall in to place later today ready for an event I am working on tomorrow and Wednesday.

Friday was a long day at work, fighting tiredness from the week I struggled to get through the day, so much so that when I got home I dozed off whilst watching the news. After J arrived home we decided to go out and have a few drinks. We headed off into town and had a lovely time. There was no agenda, no plans to meet up with anyone but, we managed to bump into some friends and ended up being out until the early hours of Saturday morning. It was nice not to have an agenda.

Following a late start on Saturday it was nice to see some more friends and then head out for dinner and a browse around the shops before a relaxing night in. I think that has been something we have both enjoyed over recent weeks. The chance to relax with no agenda or timescale to work to.

On Sunday we had another lazy morning but then called to visit family, and friends before heading into Manchester to attend a party. Steve's Mum got to meet Jonathan along with a few other friends too, so again it was just nice to be able to spend time together with no agenda. We ended up snuggling on the sofa again last night with a bottle of wine and a film before a reasonable early night. I was up for 5.30 this morning so it wasn't a late night.

I think, in part, that’s what has been nice about the past few weeks, the chance to sit, relax and do very little other than being happy in the company of someone that makes you smile. It sounds sickly sweet, I suppose it is, but it's still been nice. We've made each other happy and I hope it continues for a very long time to come. There are still a lot of things to sort for us both but those will sort themselves out in time, for now we're just enjoying life.

Well, that’s about all my news for now, I'm off to sort a few more things before I dash off to collect some things from a supplier for work so I will write soon, I hope you've had or are having a lovely day wherever you are and whatever you're up to.

Xx M xX

A bad decision or a way to de-stress?

I really don't know if it was a bad decision or not.  I didn't plan to do it and I suppose even though I knew it was there and what was in it but I just did it anyway. I suppose maybe my sub conscious needed it.

I was thoughtful on Sunday morning.  I realised I needed to earn more.  This isn't through want but necessity.  As a rise at work is highly unlikely, the chances of a lottery win remote and there are no reserves to draw on then I need to work more. Life back on the road working the cabaret circuit again is not really an option, my costumes have gone and, whilst I am fortunate enough to have the skills and tools to make more I really don't want to.   I'm not sure what I'll look for but I need a part time evening and/or weekend job.  

Following on from that train of though I busied myself ironing and sorting and photographing stuff for eBay.  This, between doing chores such as sorting the washing.

It was then it caught my attention.  Steve's memory box.  It wasn't his per se but it is full of his stuff that I've put together in a nice red leather trunk since he died.  That is what I was wondering about in my opening paragraph.  

I sat on the bed and opened it.  I started to read cards he'd received when he was first admitted to hospital, that's 18 months ago now.  So many get well wishes.  Then the tears started and I couldn't stop them and, I couldn't stop reading either.   I didn't read them all, I got side tracked with photographs, photos of Steve as a child, with his Mum, his Granny, his Dad and Brother too.

I'm sure they are lovely memories for them of Steve but for me I just see the smiles and wonder what it's all about, life that is.  The smiles give no indication of the future how cruel it can be.  It's tough and there are a lot of questions.  Some people find answers in religion and others have different reasoning.  I don't need answers though but yet I still wonder why.

The picture is Steve and his Aunt.  She passed away on New Years Eve 2009 with Cancer.  Stephens Uncle was also claimed by Cancer a few months before he was born and then My Steve too.  Why do bad things happen to nice people?  Obviously I'd be biased toward Steve but his Aunt was lovely too, so warm and friendly and a real lady.  Obviously I never met his Uncle but I have no reason to suppose he was any different.  There is no answer though, these are just things that make me think.

 

After I'd shed a few tears I got on with what I needed to do and I sort of felt better. A lot less worried with a better outlook really.  I was still emotional and thoughtful but it made me realise that despite my positivity and polished facade sometimes things do still get to me.  Perhaps my guilty feelings about Mothers Day and thinking about other peoples losses was what did it.  For the most part I can hide from my own feelings but am often moved by other peoples journeys.  Still, I suppose it did me good to have a reality check.

 

Today has been a busy day, there's lots happening at work so I've been concentrating hard on the work I've been doing for most of the day.  I've enjoyed it, oddly.  Yes, I suppose deep down I am one of those people who says they would still work even if they won millions on the lottery.  I may do a different job or work in a different way but I'd struggle to do nothing for a sustained period of time.

 

Anyway, it's time for bed, reasonably early for me too.  I must be getting old!  Oh, and before I sign off please share my blog, if you got here via Facebook or Twitter please Share or Tweet.

 

Thank you and Bye for now,

M

 

 

 

 

 

  

No More Denial and One Less Facebook Friend

Well, it may not be the end but it is the end of a chapter in my life and, now as we live in a world where social media rules then today has seen the end of a small part of that world too. What am I babbling about? Stephen of course.


If you are a Facebook friend of Stephen’s you may have noticed that his profile was turned into a “memorialised” state a few weeks ago. Basically, facebook have a state they can put your account in where access is denied. I had Steve’s password etc as he’d wanted his story to go on. Oh and just for clarity I am talking about his Enid Whiplash profile as he hasn’t used the profile with his real name for years. Steve loved interacting with his friends and, in this, the last picture taken of Steve just a few weeks before he died, he is actually sat with his laptop open, he would have been either writing his blog, (this blog) or meddling on facebook. It makes it even more sad that we are where we are with facebook right now.

Anyway, whilst in this memorialised state friends can post on the wall but cant invite you to events etc but, anything can be posted on the wall. The idea is that friends can post their messages of remembrance but, as Steve and I used our facebook profiles for “work” as our alter ego’s many of the “friends” there only knew the character and not the person behind the character. If you have a facebook account you will know that sometimes your wall ends up covered in all sorts of nonsense from “friends” and Steve’s was no exception. I could however until recently remove the spam posts and leave the genuine messages from friends

Bing in this altered state and not being able to remove spam messages which could have come from any of the almost 4,000 friends on there was a concern for me, I guess in part the lack of control. I mentioned it to Steve’s parents when the account changed state and they said the same, it would be more upsetting to see inappropriate posts which cannot be removed than to not have the profile there so, I reluctantly took the only action I could and asked for it to be removed.

That’s it, it’s happened today. He’s gone. One less friend on facebook but, more upsetting for me this means my profile has gone from listing me as married to nothing. Steve’s removal meant I had no marital status. For the first time I have had to list myself as Widowed, publicly. I’ve not had to of course but I would rather that than nothing, than trying to deny I have a history. It was really evocative, just another step on the route to realising he’s never coming back and I have to move forward.

In many ways I am pleased this has come this week. It’s been a good week, if you read my post earlier this week you would have seen I’ve been in a good place these past few days. I’ve been able to take this change on the chin as it were, who knows what I would have been like if the change had happened at the end of a week of downers.


I feel numb about it now though. I guess I may reflect a little more in the coming weeks as I get used to seeing that word and not seeing Steve listed as “in a relationship with”. It’s probably for the best though that I do feel numb because I am extremely pissed about someone REPORTING Steve as deceased. Facebook may have a wide reach but it can’t tell if you’re alive or not, they rely on people informing them. I have a pretty good idea of who has instigated this. Of course I can’t prove it though and, the fact is Stephen is deceased.

This doesn’t make it easier. Without sounding too bitter I just want to say how I believe in Karma. One day they will realise how it feels. They may not realise or recognise it as Karma but, I smile at the thought that someone or something somewhere will ensure that every little bit of pain and upset they have caused me, the rest of Stephens family and his true friends, will be brought right back to them. I have nothing but contempt for the spiteful bastards.


Well, that’s my rant over for tonight, tomorrow I still have a jaunt planned so I’ll no doubt write about that over the weekend.


Love to you all,


M x

Tea.

Yes it's an odd one isn't it.  Lately, I'd say over the past 4 or 5 weeks or so I have been drinking a lot more Tea, (I have been drinking a lot more wine too but that's another story).  Right now though I have a large mug of tea at hand.

I've taken to making myself a cuppa before bed and taking it with me to bed.  by the time I settle it's at just the right temperature.  This may not seem odd for anyone else but it does for me and it brings back memories too.  Happy memories.

As you know Steve and I worked most weekends in addition to our day jobs as cabaret artiste's, Drag Queens to be precise.

Many weekends we'd not return home until after 3am sometimes it would be approaching 6am depending how far away the gig was.  It started as a joke between us when people said, "Oooh I bet you can't wait to finish work so you can go and party too..." we would always say how we were looking forward to finishing, going home and having a nice cup of tea and a slice of toast before bed.

It sort of became a ritual for us.  We'd go to our dressing room and take our costumes / makeup or both off then I'd get in to the shower whilst Steve filled the kettle, fetched our bathrobes and got the cups ready etc.  by the time he had done that, (and fed the cats usually), then I'd be out of the shower.  As I dried myself he'd be undressing and getting in the shower so, by the time I had got in to my robe and finished making the tea and toast Steve would be out of the shower too and ready to sit down with me for a well earned cuppa!

We'd spend a while sitting and chatting and reflecting on the night.  Critiquing our own performances or bitching about whoever or whatever had annoyed us that night or sharing the laughs we'd had through the night.

I miss that.  I miss the performing too but with Steve it was all so easy.  We worked well as a couple on and off stage.  We formed a real partnership and I could always rely on him to be there for me, being supportive, helping and contributing in all ways.  From helping prep food for dinner through to helping change the duvet or even the more mundane things like helping tidy up, choose presents or any other jobs that may need doing at any time.  I have to do those alone now.  I am realising more and more I cannot achieve on my own what Steve and I would achieve together.

Tonight I haven't stopped.  Sitting to write this is the first rest I have had.  I needed to sort through my bureau and sort through another cupboard this evening so, as soon as I got in I started packing up my craft stuff and sorting through a huge pile of paperwork. 

It's both therapeutic and difficult.  Obviously there is still a lot of Steve's stuff in there so I have had to sort that too.  Some stuff to go to his memory box, some stuff to go with all the documents or papers I have generated or needed or had to deal with since his death and of course some things which just needed to be destroyed.

I wanted to do so much more with my evening tonight, I wanted to catch up with a friend and hear all about her new car and also speak to another whose call I missed yesterday plus a whole list of other things too but as usual I didn't get through everything on my list.

I'm tired now and have a long day ahead tomorrow so my bed is calling me, (which reminds me I wanted to put fresh linen on the bed tonight too).  Oh dear...  Perhaps I will do it tomorrow... time permitting.

Till then, goodnight,

Mark x

Significantly different

That’s how things are right now. It’s been quite a week since I wrote last. A long and difficult week. I would say it’s possibly been one of the most difficult weeks of recent months and I don’t understand why. I’ve had a few worries, not much more than usual though.



It hasn’t been a particularly busy week, I have kept busy but under my own initiative in the main not under the direction or request of others. I am starting to become aware though of this building stress within me, I am not sure if keeping busy is helping distract me from the thing that’s bothering me or if it’s adding to it. I appreciate being busy though as I can absorb myself in the task at hand instead of sitting and reflecting, perhaps that’s what’s making the blog difficult, having to reflect, all be it for a short time. I am forcing myself to think about things. I still recognise it’s helpful though to me and to others too and re-reading Stephen’s blog of this time last year reminds me of that.



Reading Steve’s blog of November 21st Last year I came across the following paragraph:

I have thought about Mark and what he will do when am not here - we often


laugh that it will be me getting phone calls from the police station saying


that they have picked him up in Tesco shoplifting etc wearing a big Floppy


Hay at the age of 70 - that's our plan you see - he goes slightly erratic


and I go sort him out when were older. Obviously this plan has now changed a


little bit, and I'm doing erratic and odd things and he sorts me out.

It got to me. Yes, I used to enjoy being slightly eccentric, adopting a fun a jovial outlook on life and trivialising things to make them more palatable. All of that has gone. I recognise that person but I have not seen him for a long time.



Back to the present. On Friday, after a trip to Liverpool with a friend I called in to The Trafford Centre to have a wander through the shops, More than anything it was just time out, wandering around aimlessly I wandered from one end to the other. I got to John Lewis and as I walked through the homewares department I saw a cushion on a bed in a display. It was very simple, Grey and Red and had a ‘patch’ embroidered on it which said “You & Me”. It was lovely. I approached the display to take a closer look and then it hit me. There is no “You” in my bed, there is just a “Me”. I fought back the tears, just as I am trying to do now.



Such a beautiful gift and nobody to share it with. As I walked the very long walk to where my car was parked I seemed to pass an endless number of couples, Gay couples, Lesbian couples, some clearly mature relationships and some clearly new but seeing each one gave me a punch in the gut, making me remember loud and clear what I have lost. I know our family and friends have lost too but life for them is as normal. I am the one waking up alone every morning and getting in to a cold and empty bed at night, as I know many others do but every morning I wake alone serves to remind me and, every night I slip in to a cold bed does the same.



Friday was difficult



On Saturday I spent the whole day busying myself. I started wrapping Christmas presents. On finishing the first the person for whom the gift was intended sent me a SMS message. As I completed wrapping the second the recipients arrived at the door. It was an odd coincidence and I can’t help but think Steve had some sort of influence there. The third, fourth and so on did not generate any SMS or visits etc, perhaps for the best and I continued to busy myself being creative and wrapping presents.



On Sunday I did the same again, more wrapping and more creativity. Some gifts have been parcelled up to be sent abroad, they will go to the post office this week.



Well today has seen the start of a new week. I have a busy week this week at work but a few things to look forward to throughout the week. Most importantly though I’m looking forward to the weekend. Time is whizzing by lately. Christmas is looming, beyond that there’s New Year. That’s a whole other blog entry so for now..... Goodnight and thank you for being so patient.

Sew busy...

Well that's my blog summed up in two words.

Yesterday, well apart from a busy day at work I spent the evening, (or a large part of it) on the phone to a few friends and knitting.... I have got a little further but LOADS to do.

This morning I got up at around 9am and sorted a little washing etc.  I received a call from someone re Steve's estate, that sort of put me on a back foot this morning as I didn't expect to have to explain (again) to someone why Steve is not responding to email etc.  The blunt, "He's Dead" approach seems to get the point across quite succinctly.  It hurts.  I miss him.  I more than miss him but I don't know what word describes how much I miss him...

Anyway, after that I got dressed and then started sorting my stuff out for a day of crafty shizzle.  I started around 10.30 this morning and didn't stop meddling until around 10.30 this evening!  I got quite a bit done but I can't post a pic as they are mainly gifts...  =( but, hopefully there will be a few happy people when Christmas arrives in 42 days time!!!

I am not sure what I will do tomorrow, I had planned, (in my mind), to go and see some friends today but I didn't get to as I got absorbed with stitching.  I am quite eager to do some more stitching tomorrow but it will depend on what time I get up and I would still like to see friends but I really need to get the Chrimbo shizzle sorted..... hmmm lets wait and see what the morning brings.

Well it's bedtime here so I will catch y'all soon.

xxx M xxx

Me Me Me, Busy Busy Busy and Chrimbo is coming...

Phew, I can't believe it's been a week but at the same time I have done SOOO much i can't believe it is only a week.

Firstly and most importantly, I have re-read Steve's blog from this week last year, it's made me smile, just hearing his voice in his blog really is comforting.  It wasn't a great time for him but theres no self pity.  Amazing really.  Despite his terminal diagnosis he never whinged.  Thats something the "friend" who has been trying to cause me stress this week would do well to remember. A few people know to whom I am referring and those that don't really don't need to worry.  Just join me in smiling when you think of how Stephen never stopped smiling and never lost his sense of humour.

Since last week I have been SO busy.  It's good I guess.  On Friday a friend came to visit, it was great to see him.  He seems quite well although I was a little concerned for him healthwise but I'm sure he is adult enough to take care of himself.  We didn't get to chat for long but hopefully we can meet up for dinner or coffee soon.  We have never been "high maintenance" friends, we just catch up as and when we can and it's great.  He was also my "wingman" after Steve died whilst I arranged the funeral etc, in part my level head.  Something Steve had always been.  I will always be grateful for that.

On Saturday I was up early, I went for a walk along the canal for a few hours with the camera and really enjoyed the fresh air,the photos and seeing how different life is on the canal on a Saturday morning, SO much different to being in the city centre.  It was real ME time and I enjoyed it.

Afterwards I did some shopping then ended up in for the evening with friends andthe X Factor.  Whilst watching, chatting and drinking wine I also spent time being creative and making bracelets

On Sunday I spent the morning busy online then late morning and early afternoon busy cooking.  I made some beautiful carrot soup with roast peppers and onions, it was lovely.  I also busied myself making a roast dinner too.  All very nice even if I do say so myself.  In the afternoon I popped in to Manchester to collect another friend from the train station who was staying for a few days, strangely i managed to get lost near the train station.... I was avoiding parking charges by driving around the block but took a few wrong turnings.   It turned out OK in the end though.

On Monday T and I had to go to Liverpool and that turned out good too.  We also called in to lay flowers at the grave of another member of our Brain Tumour community.  It was sad. I felt Steve with us a lot on Monday, on the way to Liverpool the John Miles song, "Music was my first love" came on the radio.  It was a song played at Steves funeral.  On the way to the cemetary the Take That song "eight letters" came on the radio, the song mentions, eight letters, three words, one meaning..... Steve and I always used to say 831 and the response was always 8312.... think about it, eight letters, three words one meaning.... I LOVE YOU.  The first time I heard the song it took me by surprise and made me tearful, not so much now but it does make me mindful of him.  Our 831 came long before the Take That song.

On Tuesday I got up at a reasonable time and decided to fit the "shiny bits" I have bought for my car.  Stainless steel grilles for the lower openings in the front bumper, a stainless steel 'rotary accent' for the front of the car, chromed side vents, fender strakes and colour coded repeater lights for the side of the car.  Quite a list really.

It meant I had to remove the front bumper of the car, lots of nuts and bolts etc.  Ihere was much concern from my facebook family. A gay doing mechanical type stuff.  A drag queen getting their hands dirty?  Yep, I really didn't conform to type.

The bumper had to be removed along with fog lights etc

there were quite a few bits to add and remove and lots of screws to remember the location of

but with grilles, and accent added I replaced the bumper

and added chrome vents and coded fender strakes to the wing.

I guess now I should "fess up" that I am actually a time served mechanical engineer.  A four year apprenticeship with the ministry of defence and time spent "in industry" come in handy occasionally.  Not the sort of background you expect for a gay and certainly not for a drag queen.

So, if we add in the other things I have worked on this week..... last night I decided to "trim" the heart decorations I have ready for my christmas tree this year.  You will recall I have stuck toa hearts theme but am adding in some tartan.  this was last nights activity.  I've done about 3 dozen so far and have almost as many more to do.

I am enjoying being creative, both for my own Christmas and for others.  Last year Steve and I decided to make some handmade christmas gifts, some were lucky enough to get them.  Early this year Steve decided he wanted to make gifts again this year, not all gifts but just some and really so that the gifts were truly personal, created and given with that specific person in mind.  I am of course planning on fulfilling his wishes but, with just me on the production line the pressure is on to meet the deadline.  Pah, sleep is for losers anyway!

On top of all that some of you may recall Steve and I visited some friends in Norfolk in February this year.  Whilst there Steve bought some wool he liked.  He had seen some sweaters he liked and, instead of him buying one, his Mum said she'd like to knit one for him, he just needed to provided the wool and pattern.  It's surprising how costly it is to go retro and home made but he liked the idea of having something unique.

Long story short, as you guessed, he didn't get his sweater, (who needs a sweater in the summer?  Remember he passed in June).  Now I am on a mission to make sure the wool he chose is being put to good use.  With my plan to fulfil his dream and go and live aboard a narrowboat I anticipate the evenings can or will be chilly.  The wool will be used to knit a throw for the sofa or bed when I am on the boat.  There's no better time to start than the present so, afteran hour of knitting, tonight I can say I have made a start.

So, if I re-cap on the "crafty projects" I have ongoing at the moment I have, sewing, knitting, jewellery making, photography, customising chrimbo decs, re-upholstering chairs, upcycling my favourite items of Steve's clothing, website creation & development and "pimping my ride" to name but a few which add on to the usual things we do such as working, cooking, eating, shopping, socialising, reading, relaxing oh and occasionally sleeping and visiting family and friends. 

I don't like to think of myself as a "jack of all trades" as I don't like the second line of that saying but I do like to think of myself as living life to the fullest because I really think I would struggle to fit much more in to my life.  I hope Steve is pleased, he inspires me to continue despite any other issues I may have to deal with emotianally, physically or mentally. I now feel I have two lives to live.  His and mine.  I miss him dearly but thinking of him and having those little reminders of him at the most unexpected times really do lift my spirits and make me smile.

Thanks you Steve and thanks to you too for reading xxx

Mark xxx

Breast and testicles are all over the place

It made me smile, it was a comment in Steve's post on this day last year, click here but he is right and nothing has changed.  The figure equates to less than 1%, if you want more info drop me a line or contact  BT Buddies.

Last night as I said I went to bed early and as usual didn't sleep, I watched a film instead, P.S. I Love You which I had downloaded to my iPad.  Well, I managed to get to 13 minutes before the tears came.  they stayed till the end.  I almost flooded my bed!  I am not best placed to say whether it was a good, bad or indifferent film but it touched me.  that's all I will say.  If you have seen it you will understand,if not then reading the synopsis will probably explain. 

Odd as it may seem I felt better for having my meltdown.  I still miss Steve so much and sometimes I just want to be able to grieve for him not cover up my feelings to spare those of others. If one of my tears was enough to bring Steve back for just one second then I know last night alone would have seen him back for a hundred years or more. 

Today has been an OK day.  Work was brief this morning as I had a Doctors appointment.  Nothing too sinister, (for now) just problems with my hands, a course of anti inflammatory though should help and if not I am to go back.  On the plus side it seemed to be nothing major which warrants further investigation or tests... yet.

After that it was back to work.  Another tough day, it's difficult to stay upbeat about it.  I got a lot done though and managed to clear a lot of mail from my inbox so I was pleased with that as I am out of the office after tomorrow until Thursday next week.

Tonight I logged on to the PC as soon as I got in, I had a few things to sort but before I knew it I had a few phone calls with friends catching up, emails, text and facebook messages.  All good stuff.  I have a few calls to return though, messages on my phone from a few days ago have not been returned yet, I know I am failing miserably in the "keep in touch" department but I don't seem to have a minute lately but tonight, although busy, has been good and I have enjoyed it.  I realise soon I need to start making a move to get out more and socialise. Soon though, not now.

Watching that film last night has reminded me of the need to get out and see people or just have people around.  I do want that but sometimes I am just not very good company.   I saw this a few days ago and I think it's spot on...

I have no idea why it is on it's side, I have amended it to be the right way up but it clearly didn't work so it's tilt your head time... sorry.

Another I saw which I also thought was spot on is this:

Again, it struck a chord with me.  On a closing note though all I have to say is thanks again to all my friends for being there, your texts, messages, emails and cards etc which are still arriving are very much appreciated and if you are waiting a call or a visit from me please keep being as patient as you have, I have not forgot but I there is only one of me now to do all the keeping in touch we both used to do.  I have not forgotten you and I know you're all out there.

xxx Love to you all xxx

M x

Love to you all





Here goes for a biggie....

This sporadic blogging is more difficult as I have to remember stuff but I have had a busy few days.


On Wednesday last week a friend arrived and stayed for a few days which is nice. It's good to sit and chat with no agenda.

On Thursday we had a few things to do. I called in to work to show someone else around the centre to show how it can be used for fundraising for other charities. On Thursday evening we went to see some other friends and were treated to a Jamaican banquet, it was lovely and the evening just ran away with us before we knew it, it was approaching midnight.

On Friday I packed up the car for my road trip to Scotland, it was full to bursting with all sorts including a sewing machine and fabric as I have been roped in to a bedroom makeover whilst away. It will be nice though to help with that.

We set off from home at 13.30 but we were still quite local at 16.30 as we did a bit of shopping en route, the traffic reports were rubbish so we were in no rush however, by the time we got to wherever the jams were, they had cleared so it was nice to have a clear run.

We stayed in Carlisle on Friday night and after a lovely dinner we sat and chatted for quite some time. Of course Steve Featured greatly in the conversation.

On Saturday we were in Glasgow, we called in to a Scottish national trust property but there was no parking available within any reasonable distance so we drove on. Travelling with a disabled friend really does make you see how difficult the simplest of things can be. It was similar travelling with Steve, simple things like parking a little closer to wherever we needed to be or taking the lift instead of the stairs really made a difference to how long Steve could spend out and about before becoming incredibly tired, ah the joys of cancer treatments eh.

We did go for a short walk though along the river just to meddle with the camera and take some pictures, it was too windy to stay out for long though.

On Sunday we made our way north to Oban where we boarded the ferry for Mull. The crossing was a little choppy but nothing too bad. It was quite nice to sit back and let someone else 'drive' for a bit.

When we got to Mull I really did get a bit of a surprise. Most of the roads there are single track, not usually a bad thing but the condition of the roads are such that not only are you watching out for the availability of passing places for the oncoming cars but also watching out for huge potholes, (think the vicar of dibley disappearing in the puddle), and it's not even like you can just drive a little off the road as there is often a 12 inch (or more) drop either side of the road or in some cases a cliff! It certainly was a different driving experience but, by the time I was leaving the island I had got used to a different style of driving and actually enjoyed the trip back to the ferry.

The friend I stayed with has a lovely little cottage, it really is little but, more than big enough for one or for a couple, I was surprised to learn the previous occupants had been a family of four. Dervaig is a tiny little village but has a little shop, a post office and a pub so what else do you need? It's on the main bus route to Tobermory (Balamory) too so it's quite convenient.

On Sunday evening we visited the local pub for dinner, it was lovely and extremely busy, surprisingly so actually, the Belachroy is apparently the oldest continually inhabited building on the island dating back to the 1600's. As well as being a locals pub it is also a hotel and restaurant and have a lovely menu on offer.

On Monday we went to Tobermory, it is so picturesque and just like you see in many a postcard etc. We had a lovely afternoon wandering around the shops there, as it's the islands main shopping area they have everything from a bookshop to a chandlery a hardware store to a distillery. They seem to cram a huge amount of stuff in to each shop. I guess the main difference is that the selection is limited. By that I mean when you go to your local supermarket you may get several choices of brand for the same product, on the island there may only be one brand or at most two so, choice is limited and, because there is no competition, they can charge way over the odds, in some cases two or three times as much as on the mainland. I am sure there are other factors that influence that too but it really is noticeable, as an example petrol is around 20p per litre more than on the mainland.... As a minimum! In fact even in Oban which is on the mainland the fuel was 12p per litre more expensive than it was nearer to Glasgow.

We stayed in Tobermory for a late lunch too, at the side of the harbour there is a fish and chip van. The fish they sell comes in straight from the fishermans boat first thing in the morning and is then prepped and sold the same afternoon. It was lovely and, it had a lovely and different taste, the fish really tasted fresh and you could taste the sea.... I am not sure that makes sense but I know what I mean, slightly salty but delicious and the chips were lovely too. We sat at the harbour with our lunch and chatted a little. It was difficult though.

Every mouthful seemed difficult to swallow. All I could think about was Steve. When our friend has posted in her blog about sitting at the harbour with fish and chips many months ago Steve commented that he was looking forward to doing the very same thing. A simple pleasure but, that was Steve, he didn't need flash restaurants etc he just appreciated good food. I miss him and I miss cooking for him too, I loved experimenting with food and he was always keen to try whatever I had concocted. I've never made fish and chips as nice as that though and I know Steve would have thoroughly enjoyed sitting there with us.

On Tuesday we headed back in to Tobermory briefly to pick something up then went for a drive. We drove to Calgary, a beach on the island with lovely light sand and a beautiful view out to sea. On the way we saw some highland cows so stopped for some pictures. They really are quite something but, they are quite scary too. When they are stood in the middle of the road those big and pointy horns sort of stop you getting impatient and blasting your horn at them as their horns can do more damage than mine!

At the beach there is a small campsite there and it is where Steve and I were supposed to be camping when we visited the island. It was the last trip we planned together and we had finalised details just the week before he died. He was so looking forward to it, we even went to look at a new tent for the trip on the Saturday before he died. It was such a lovely place and it was difficult not being able to share what I was seeing with Steve, even though I know many will say "he was there with you", it's not the same as being able to turn to him and see the look on his face or feel his hand in mine as we walk along the beach.

The beach really was lovely though and I took some pictures, I wrote in the sand for Steve, it was difficult being there. There were just a few people around, my friend was there too but I had wandered off alone up the beach to be with my thoughts. I'd have given anything to have Steve with me there and then, I still would.

On Wednesday we had a chilled out day and did very little, it was nice to relax and, it was also nice not to have a phone signal, oddly it was nice to feel that little bit of freedom of being away from it all. Steve used to like that too, just knowing that the phone wouldn't ring at all. I know we could turn the phone off but, that feels different. Being in an area which means you are not contactable is different to choosing to turn the phone off. Perhaps it was just us, (and me now), but I think I will have to start doing that, ditching the phone and having time out away from it all.

On Thursday I headed back to the mainland. I got the ferry to Oban and had a wander around. Even though it is on the mainland it is still stupidly overpriced, I guess just because I live in the city where everything is so accessible I don't always appreciate what it takes to get goods etc to these remote places.

Thursday was a particularly tough day though. Leaving Mull and driving alone I just cried. There was so much lovely scenery, driving along the lochs, the mountains, and just lovely scenery but nobody there to share it with. The ferry journey was difficult too, looking out to sea all I could think of was Steve, he had not been far from my thoughts throughout the whole time as it was something he and I were supposed to do together which is why I went. I am glad I did and I knew it would be difficult but it was tougher than I imagined.

When I got the the mainland my messages came though, I have still not read most but I received an email from work, a shitty horrible email which annoyed me and upset me in equal measure. It is clear they have no idea and no appreciation of how I may be feeling right now. They are putting a lot of pressure on me telling me how urgent it is that I go back to work because they need me. It's nice to feel wanted but they really are making me feel worse. I am going back tom work on Thursday and I have told them this so that's another reason why I find the pressure difficult tom cope with.

I replied to the email explaining how I am feeling pressured and stressed by them and got another back on Friday which had the same insensitive, demanding and slightly menacing tone. I wouldn't wish how I feel on anyone as it is horrible but I just wish they could understand. It seems the only people who do understand are those who have also lost their partner, husband or wife.

On Friday night I stayed in Glasgow, I did venture out but ended up in my room with a bottle of wine for company and the TV, I had had a shitty day so it was what I needed.

On Saturday I had a wander around Glasgow, nothing exciting to report there. I then made my way toward Kilmarnock which was supposed to be the next stopping point on Steve and my road trip. As it was early I drove further on to Prestwick and parked up. I made a few phone calls I had been meaning to do for a while and had a wander through the town. After that I decided to walk along the esplanade and down on to the beach again, more thinking time listening to the sea crashing on the rocks.

I walked along the beach and took a few pictures. On my way back I spoke to a friend I was due to stay with on Sunday night. To cut a long story short he convinced me I should make my way over to his a little earlier than planned. I don't think I needed a lot of convincing so, instead of driving the. 10 miles to my hotel I drove 180 miles to his house. Again it's somewhere Steve liked as there is no phone signal so we can legitimately switch off from the world.

On arrival I was greeted by a Martini, very much needed and appreciated. Prepared in the same way as taught by Dean Martin, 2 parts gin, 1 part martini and a splash of vodka, it was the perfect way to wind down after such a long drive. It was followed by a lovely meal and of course wine.

After a relaxing night on Saturday we headed out to Richmond to have a wander about the town. There were a few nice shops there but I didn't buy anything. Every time I pick something up I imagine what Steve would be saying, I won't say here what he would say as some people have got in to the habit of quoting Steve's sayings at me, inappropriately. I don't mind that so much but I hate it when they get it wrong or take it out of context so by keeping quiet I will not be providing tools with which to annoy me!

Anyway we headed home and had a lovely lunch, it was a late lunch or early dinner really but whichever it was it was lovely then, my friend had to go to work, so I tagged along.

I spent the evening sat in the bar of the hotel he works at. I only had a few drinks but was thoroughly entertained by some of the locals, one of the older ladies in particular had my sides aching with laughter. The first time I have properly laughed in many many months.

Today I set off at a reasonable time but, as I get quite tired of driving quite quickly I stopped off at two separate villages on the way home and had a wander around. Some lovely shops but again, I didn't buy anything, some lovely stuff there though but I guess in the main, most of my hesitation is down to us selling this place, I want new stuff in my new place, or at least new to me as I have seen some second hand or antique stuff I quite like the look of, not heirloom antiques though, just the sort I can modify, paint, tweak or adjust to suit my home.

I got home this evening and have chilled out a little. I feel drained from the journey but also emotionally drained because all I have done for the last week or so is think about Steve and churn things over and over and over again in my mind. I'm not complaining though, that's all I have of Steve now, my thoughts and memories. I said weeks ago I seem to miss him more each hour of each day, I thought there would be a point of saturation, I've not reached it yet, I still miss him more and more and more.

Well, I guess thats me done for now, the rest of the night will be spent relaxing and catching up.

Bye for now,
Mark

Sent from my iPad

Belachroy

Some good, some bad some better...

There seems to be so much to say, maybe not to say but so much going on in my head right now. Firstly, and most importantly, I want to say a huge THANK YOU publicly to all my friends, (and yeah, I include family in that too), I’m not going to say there is too many to list as there isn’t but, I don’t want to list people and forget someone so it’s just thank you to all OUR friends as they/you have all been great in the past few weeks and months to me and to Steve when he was alive. As you know we lost a few friends along the way, that wasn’t a bad thing, they hurt Steve and I’m relieved to not have to deal with them anymore, I realise now that they were not really friends.


Moving on, I mentioned yesterday I was planning to go in to work today. I did. I felt so stressed and nervous and not for any good reason really. I knew where I was going and the people I would see there. I can’t say I’m glad I went in as I still don’t feel “right” in myself. I guess as well as feeling vulnerable I feel I am volatile too. I’m not going in tomorrow but am planning on popping in on Thursday. I still feel I am being pushed more than encouraged but I suppose only time will tell where it ends up. I guess for now I just have to see what happens next.

On returning home I motivated myself to speak to the bank. I can honestly say I have never had a less pleasant conversation with anyone else since Steve died. She might as well have said “I don’t give a toss that your husband is dead”, she didn’t, but it would have been less offensive. That’s just another thing that I will need to sort in time.

The other thing that has been on my mind for much of the day today is a “dream” I had this morning. I say dream, in inverted commas as it felt like more than a dream, more of an experience. I know some will dismiss my ramblings as silly, some as nonsense and others may be intrigued but to be honest I really am not bothered about other people’s opinion.

Basically in my dream this morning I had what seemed like a lengthy discussion with Steve. He was lying behind me in bed with his arms around me and held me as I had done with him many many times before. I was cold, (which in itself is odd with a feather quilt and a fleecy throw on the bed) and he was trying to warm me.

I asked him if he was OK and whether he was happy and he seemed so. There were some things he couldn’t articulate and I couldn’t really fully grasp what he meant. The experience seemed to last for some time but it felt very real.

As I said more than a dream, so much so when I woke at 6.39AM I grasped at the space behind me to feel if Steve was there. Of course he wasn’t but, for a few seconds I was puzzled as to where he was.

Far from that being distressing or worrying it wasn’t, it was strangely comforting, more than comforting it was nice.

I don’t know why last night as opposed to any other and I don’t know if it was actually ‘just’ a dream but right now I don’t need an explanation, I just accept it.

I could ramble on some more but I am going to go to bed instead so will sign off. Hope to see you here again soon

Xx Mark xX

An absent neutral week

I know I have been lacking in the blog area this week. Perhaps my mind has been am little absent too. It's not been a significant week, neither significantly good or significantly bad just a collection of days.


That's not meant negatively but maybe neutrally. That's probably the best explanation for my mood the last week and I am ok with it, it is better than being on the roller coaster. Don't get me wrong I have had a few 'moments' this week but that's ok.

On Tuesday this week J came and stopped, we went out for lunch and we wandered around the shops, we each bought just one item so hardly a huge spree but it was the first time I have been to a busy shopping area since Steve died so it can be seen as a step forward.

On Wednesday I didn't get up to much, I was going to venture out with the camera and did set off in the car but came home, I just didn't feel like it.

Thursday was again a bit of a quiet day but H came to see me in the eve and we had a good old natter. Also, if you remember me asking you to say a prayer or send healing thoughts for a friends nephew well it's her nephew. I am pleased to say he is doing ok, he is not fully recovered but he is out of intensive care so he is heading in the right direction. He's only 13 so please keep sending all your positive thoughts etc to Luke xxx

Friday was not so bad either, I had an appointment in the afternoon so I got up and had a leisurely morning then went to see G afterwards. It's not all good there either unfortunately, N's Dad is poorly, he has been for some time but he is in hospital again and the whole family are concerned. I feel for them a lot as they have seen Steve go through his journey and have watched me struggle with him dying and now they have this on top. It's not fair but life seldom is, and don't I know it.

Last night I was up until really late, in fact till the early hours of this morning chatting on the phone, it was a good to talk though, we were discussing ideas for raising awareness of brain tumours, I did a couple of pictures this week for #braintumourthursday on twitter, just some pics of Steve but with a hard hitting message.

They may seem harsh, I had a long think before, during and after I did them but, I decided if they stop someone and make them think then they have done their job and Steve would be pleased to know he has helped raise awareness of this cruel disease, I've recently learned of a few children with the same disease. It sickens me to know what those families will be going through now and at some point in the future.

Today has not been too bad. I got up late, not late considering I was awake until after 4am but later than usual. I showered and went in to town. I only needed to bank a cheque and post a letter. The bank was shut and I had missed the last post for today for the letter but it will go on Monday.

I thought about having a look around the shops, I went in and wandered about for a bit but came away empty handed. I realised there is nothing I need to buy or want to buy so I came home empty handed.

I had a call this afternoon from a friend about something else she has been working on, it will be great news but she has to keep it a secret for now so I will too but, eventually you will know ALL as it really is good news.

This evening I have sat here alone, not doing anything in particular but, as the weekends have been the most difficult bits of my week then I think I am doing ok so far, I'm not on a downer, that's not due to alcohol anaesthetic either as I haven't had any but it is just because I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope nobody turns it off before I get near the end!

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, loads to do but the weather and my motivation when I wake up will no doubt decide for me.  Here's another pic I did, you can see why the debate with myself, hard hitting and hopefully they can be used to raise awareness of brain tumours for http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/

Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

Lost

Thats how I have felt this weekend.  yesterday was a lovely day weather wise but not really for me.

After writing my blog in the morning I showered and then took the car for a wash, I cam home and polished it, more for something to pass the time than anything, it certainly didn;t really need it but it killed a few hours.

After that I sat here at the computer, not really doing much.  I sort of snapped myself into action around 6ish and decided to go out, I called to see friends but they were out, I sort of guessed they were and I was perhaps glad they were, I would have been crap company I guess but I wanted to be out of the house.  I went for a walk instead around the waterside near The Lowry centre and Media City UK.  I took the camera, my "justify walking on your own" tool.

When I got home I had  something to eat and then returned to the computer.  Again, another way to opt out of watching TV or talking to people.  I just felt low I suppose.  The events of last week with work has really got to me and in a way I suppose unsettled me, I am feeling like i'm being rushed into putting Stephen aside and moving on.  I know I need to find a new normal ASAP but pushy attitudes havent helped, I guess it will sort itself out in the end.

I ended up going to bed early, midnight is early for me lately.  As a result I was awake before 7 this morning, I lay in bed reading on the internet via the phone.

Today has been another low day though.  I didn't want it to be.  I wanted it to be productive sorting things for the move (whenever it is) and, this morning I finished customising a shirt for a friend that I promised to do long before Steve died. 

After that is was shower and dressed then I decided to get a load of stuff we're clearing on to eBay, (I still say We even though it's really just Me now - old habits etc...).  I procrastinated for ages, finally I did it though and got almost 60 listings on today. 

I have had no less than 4 invites out to lunch today, sadly I declined them all. I wasn't being mean but I didn't feel sociable, I knew I would be rubbish company and my friends asked because they care, they don't need to have their day blackened by the big cloud I have been dragging around all day.  I did have a genuine excuse though, the stuff that went on eBay today was photographed before Steve died so again, it's about time I caught up.

I sort of guess if I get "My" stuff sorted, the eBay etc then I can apply the same methodology to work and getting back to it.  I don't know if it will work but I guess one of my concerns about work is that when I am back I won't have time to settle back in, it'll mean hitting the ground running, I think up to now I have managed a walk and thats it..... I'd feel lost there too, long story but I guess no small part of it is that it is incredibly difficult for a gay guy to "fit in" within a hetro environment.... (and not even metro-hetro at that), it's never bothered me before but right now I feel vulnerable so it's daunting, the pressure just serves to confirm my concerns.

This evening I have spoken the T via email, she's a gem and has sent me the lyrics to a song I was told about before Steve's funeral, the song is lovely but here is an excerpt of the words....

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

It has struck a chord with me, it did the first time I heard it and again, hearing this has set me off again.  I guess it's time for bed.  One soggy pillow coming right up...

Forever in blue jeans...

Tonight I have just been reminded of an old blog post of Steve's, I've copied it below, it was earlier this year just as we were going away.  Have a read and listen to the song.... hope you enjoy x

Away - Sunday 13th Feb 2011



Well we've done it. We managed to get out of the house, and we were only 34 minutes behind schedule. Which for us is brilliant.



I realised earlier that I haven't updated all weekend so here goes with a big update.

Friday I was in the office and managed to get loads done, I actually felt part of the team again. After work I went for coffee with my friend Dr Jon which was good as we just watched the world go by and had a good catch up.

Mark picked me up in town and we went shopping for dinner. Marks good at his mixed grills. From there we just veged in front of the tv watching DVD's and I did more on our diamante throw - which is slowly getting there...

Saturday we were up and dressed pretty early. I did the post run for the last of our weekly sales. Everyone should have their purchases by monday hopefully.

Saturday afternoon was spent photographing more stock which will be uploaded on Thursday - see even when were away were working.... I even have a box of tights in the car ready for this weeks sales....

Last night we did our packing and ironing ready for today, nothing like being organised. It was then veg on the sofa and more diamante and Mark with his ebay pictures.

This morning we were up full cooked breakfast and load the car. Were now whizzing down the motorway on our way.

Don't worry about the cats and the in-laws We've left them loads of food and they are house trained - the cats just please themselves :-)

We just decided whilst listening to Michael Balls Sunday Brunch show that Neil Diamonds Forever in Blue Jeans is our new song because he would rather have me and have to wear blue jeans than not to have me and have sequins.... Soppy sod. But it is really relevant to us.

Anyway will sign off and update later.
Steve x

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D27dmGp2zU

WOWZERS

I know, I have turned in to Batman or Robin, well I would look as good as them in Lycra I'm sure so therefore I can say that.

Yes, I'm on a roll, (although I am not being negative when I say I don't expect it to last), this is the third good day in a row.  I have actually had a few "reflective" moments today but, they didn't turn me to a heap of wailing jelly, they made me feel warm, (and tearful) but in a nice way if that makes sense.  I have REALLY missed Steve today, he would have enjoyed the spontaneity of the day, naah not enjoyed, LOVED but, I guess I have to keep that in mind and keep going forward.

This morning I got up and tidied our bedroom, I did some washing, Steve used to do it all the time as he liked making sure the washer was busy  and I tidies our lounge.  Nothing major just putting stuff away.  I said the other day I was ready to put some stuff out of sight that had been out since the funeral and I have, theres a few things been put away, it doesn't feel like there is less of Steve here though so that is good.

After that I had a shower as the estate agent was due at 2pm.  I managed to get showered and dressed after I had done everything and was sorting some stuff out upstairs when he came.  I sorted all that out and then decided to meddle with the car as my new phone cradle and replacement button arrived for the handsfree set.  An extravagant £11 in total and it works perfectly, I am V-happy and I am now inclined to agree with Steve that maybe he has "rubbed off" on me and I am turning into a techno geek. 

Talking of Steve I thought about his this afternoon too, I was sat in the car outside the house talking to 'T' (pot)  about me and about Steve etc and there it was again, another rainbow.  'T' said that's Steve saying he's happy because I sorted the handsfree myself, I think I agree, usually I would have left it to him, not because i couldn't do it but because I couldn't be bothered and he could.  It was nice to see though and it made me smile, and this time without streams of tears down my face.  Like a bus, you wait for ages for one and then I get two rainbows in a week... BIG SMILES!

This afternoon two friends called around, J was coming anyway and I knew D was planning to come but they had evidently spoken and arrived together with D's two dogs.  I was lovely to see them.  I love dogs and would love one on the boat with me when I get it but two cats a dog and me might be a bit much.... but, never say never.

We had a coffee and had planned to go for lunch but, with doggies in tow plans were revised and we all went to D's for dinner.  It was lovely, it was they type of afternoon Steve would have loved.  No plans just deciding on the go and going with it.  Dinner was de-lish and, I wouldn't just say that but it was, good grub, good friends and good wine.... yeah forgot that bit, I had a small glass with dinner as I was driving, something I never usually do but it was lovely and, above all, it was nice to have a drink and not drink to get drunk as I guess many of us do when we are younger.

I came home and have been on the PC most of the night, not doing what I needed to but still it's been nice.  I am not going to start what I need to now as I have had a few Bacardi's now, well, two actually but they were very large ones.... oops.

I am quite excited about tomorrow oddly, my car goes back to the garage tomorrow, I say goodbye officially to the car Steve and I had and officially hello to the new one.  the new one is not as new as the old one but she is lovely, an absolute pleasure to drive, (she's put the fun back in to driving) and it is more the sort of car Steve and I would have liked, smaller, sportier and fun.  We always had big cars, when we had the 4x4 it wasn't because we wanted or needed a 4x4 but we needed the space to get out DJ kit around plus suitcases of costumes.

With the next car again, we needed the space for ferrying the kit around and with this car, a Peugeot 3008, we got it because it was practical, it could comfortably fit four people and the boot was big enough to fit a wheelchair in even if we had 4 people in the car. 

We didn't know how sick Steve would get or if he would need a wheelchair but we thought about it just in case.  Steve hated the thought of a wheelchair but was quite sensible and keen to get a car that would suit our needs whatever they may have turned out to be.  He never needed a wheelchair, with hindsight we could have got something sporty and had a more fun car but, we were being practical.  Hey though, it's not a big deal. 

I guess you can see now why I am excited about getting rid of it, it symbolised Steve being ill and us planning for that.  It wasn't a car which reflected two young(ish) guys with no children to worry about and just enjoying life.  Although Steve loved the car he hated it too because of what it symbolised and the reasons behind it's purchase.  I guess tomorrow is a significant day too, it's saying goodbye to another marker or reminder of Steve's illness and how it affected and changed our lives and how it continues to affect my life.  Today has been a good day though and if I keep thinking of the positives about the old car going and the new car meaning a cancer free life then hopefully tomorrow will be a good one too.  fingers crossed.

Well I am going to bed, it's 12.56 here now and I hope to be tucked up in bed by 1.30am .... here's hoping!

Goodnight xxx