Monday, 19 March 2012

A bad decision or a way to de-stress?

I really don't know if it was a bad decision or not.  I didn't plan to do it and I suppose even though I knew it was there and what was in it but I just did it anyway. I suppose maybe my sub conscious needed it.

I was thoughtful on Sunday morning.  I realised I needed to earn more.  This isn't through want but necessity.  As a rise at work is highly unlikely, the chances of a lottery win remote and there are no reserves to draw on then I need to work more. Life back on the road working the cabaret circuit again is not really an option, my costumes have gone and, whilst I am fortunate enough to have the skills and tools to make more I really don't want to.   I'm not sure what I'll look for but I need a part time evening and/or weekend job.  

Following on from that train of though I busied myself ironing and sorting and photographing stuff for eBay.  This, between doing chores such as sorting the washing.

It was then it caught my attention.  Steve's memory box.  It wasn't his per se but it is full of his stuff that I've put together in a nice red leather trunk since he died.  That is what I was wondering about in my opening paragraph.  

I sat on the bed and opened it.  I started to read cards he'd received when he was first admitted to hospital, that's 18 months ago now.  So many get well wishes.  Then the tears started and I couldn't stop them and, I couldn't stop reading either.   I didn't read them all, I got side tracked with photographs, photos of Steve as a child, with his Mum, his Granny, his Dad and Brother too.

I'm sure they are lovely memories for them of Steve but for me I just see the smiles and wonder what it's all about, life that is.  The smiles give no indication of the future how cruel it can be.  It's tough and there are a lot of questions.  Some people find answers in religion and others have different reasoning.  I don't need answers though but yet I still wonder why.
The picture is Steve and his Aunt.  She passed away on New Years Eve 2009 with Cancer.  Stephens Uncle was also claimed by Cancer a few months before he was born and then My Steve too.  Why do bad things happen to nice people?  Obviously I'd be biased toward Steve but his Aunt was lovely too, so warm and friendly and a real lady.  Obviously I never met his Uncle but I have no reason to suppose he was any different.  There is no answer though, these are just things that make me think.
After I'd shed a few tears I got on with what I needed to do and I sort of felt better. A lot less worried with a better outlook really.  I was still emotional and thoughtful but it made me realise that despite my positivity and polished facade sometimes things do still get to me.  Perhaps my guilty feelings about Mothers Day and thinking about other peoples losses was what did it.  For the most part I can hide from my own feelings but am often moved by other peoples journeys.  Still, I suppose it did me good to have a reality check.
Today has been a busy day, there's lots happening at work so I've been concentrating hard on the work I've been doing for most of the day.  I've enjoyed it, oddly.  Yes, I suppose deep down I am one of those people who says they would still work even if they won millions on the lottery.  I may do a different job or work in a different way but I'd struggle to do nothing for a sustained period of time.
Anyway, it's time for bed, reasonably early for me too.  I must be getting old!  Oh, and before I sign off please share my blog, if you got here via Facebook or Twitter please Share or Tweet.
Thank you and Bye for now,


  1. Steve's memory box was important for you to find. Think too about having your own, an online version is the Lifebox within the website My Last
    Good luck Mark, you will find more happiness because you deserve to and you have the right attitude to life and love.

  2. I also agree, too, Mark, i.e., it's very beneficial (to you) that you went through Steve's memory box. 'Such a sweet picture of little Steve and his lovely Aunt, (Above)!!

    My dear first cousin Marsha, (who is a Hospice Nurse), sadly and very unexpectedly lost her 31-year-old son to suicide in August, 2010. Her and her husband's anguish was, (like your anguish at Steve's loss to cancer), almost beyond-excruciating; yet............ in trying to "destigmatize the conventional shame" of suicide, in the Family/church/community in which WE grew up............ Marsha and I now routinely, and lovingly, talk of (all of) our memories of Eric, although it was indeed very, VERY hard (at first) to do so, i.e., without both of us ending-up in deep sobs, you know.

    It's now the SECOND Day Of Spring here!! I wish you kindness, Mark............ as this *gentlest* of Seasons unfolds.