There seems to be so much to say, maybe not to say but so much going on in my head right now. Firstly, and most importantly, I want to say a huge THANK YOU publicly to all my friends, (and yeah, I include family in that too), I’m not going to say there is too many to list as there isn’t but, I don’t want to list people and forget someone so it’s just thank you to all OUR friends as they/you have all been great in the past few weeks and months to me and to Steve when he was alive. As you know we lost a few friends along the way, that wasn’t a bad thing, they hurt Steve and I’m relieved to not have to deal with them anymore, I realise now that they were not really friends.
Moving on, I mentioned yesterday I was planning to go in to work today. I did. I felt so stressed and nervous and not for any good reason really. I knew where I was going and the people I would see there. I can’t say I’m glad I went in as I still don’t feel “right” in myself. I guess as well as feeling vulnerable I feel I am volatile too. I’m not going in tomorrow but am planning on popping in on Thursday. I still feel I am being pushed more than encouraged but I suppose only time will tell where it ends up. I guess for now I just have to see what happens next.
On returning home I motivated myself to speak to the bank. I can honestly say I have never had a less pleasant conversation with anyone else since Steve died. She might as well have said “I don’t give a toss that your husband is dead”, she didn’t, but it would have been less offensive. That’s just another thing that I will need to sort in time.
The other thing that has been on my mind for much of the day today is a “dream” I had this morning. I say dream, in inverted commas as it felt like more than a dream, more of an experience. I know some will dismiss my ramblings as silly, some as nonsense and others may be intrigued but to be honest I really am not bothered about other people’s opinion.
Basically in my dream this morning I had what seemed like a lengthy discussion with Steve. He was lying behind me in bed with his arms around me and held me as I had done with him many many times before. I was cold, (which in itself is odd with a feather quilt and a fleecy throw on the bed) and he was trying to warm me.
I asked him if he was OK and whether he was happy and he seemed so. There were some things he couldn’t articulate and I couldn’t really fully grasp what he meant. The experience seemed to last for some time but it felt very real.
As I said more than a dream, so much so when I woke at 6.39AM I grasped at the space behind me to feel if Steve was there. Of course he wasn’t but, for a few seconds I was puzzled as to where he was.
Far from that being distressing or worrying it wasn’t, it was strangely comforting, more than comforting it was nice.
I don’t know why last night as opposed to any other and I don’t know if it was actually ‘just’ a dream but right now I don’t need an explanation, I just accept it.
I could ramble on some more but I am going to go to bed instead so will sign off. Hope to see you here again soon
Xx Mark xX