Saturday, 23 July 2011


I know, I have turned in to Batman or Robin, well I would look as good as them in Lycra I'm sure so therefore I can say that.

Yes, I'm on a roll, (although I am not being negative when I say I don't expect it to last), this is the third good day in a row.  I have actually had a few "reflective" moments today but, they didn't turn me to a heap of wailing jelly, they made me feel warm, (and tearful) but in a nice way if that makes sense.  I have REALLY missed Steve today, he would have enjoyed the spontaneity of the day, naah not enjoyed, LOVED but, I guess I have to keep that in mind and keep going forward.

This morning I got up and tidied our bedroom, I did some washing, Steve used to do it all the time as he liked making sure the washer was busy  and I tidies our lounge.  Nothing major just putting stuff away.  I said the other day I was ready to put some stuff out of sight that had been out since the funeral and I have, theres a few things been put away, it doesn't feel like there is less of Steve here though so that is good.

After that I had a shower as the estate agent was due at 2pm.  I managed to get showered and dressed after I had done everything and was sorting some stuff out upstairs when he came.  I sorted all that out and then decided to meddle with the car as my new phone cradle and replacement button arrived for the handsfree set.  An extravagant £11 in total and it works perfectly, I am V-happy and I am now inclined to agree with Steve that maybe he has "rubbed off" on me and I am turning into a techno geek. 

Talking of Steve I thought about his this afternoon too, I was sat in the car outside the house talking to 'T' (pot)  about me and about Steve etc and there it was again, another rainbow.  'T' said that's Steve saying he's happy because I sorted the handsfree myself, I think I agree, usually I would have left it to him, not because i couldn't do it but because I couldn't be bothered and he could.  It was nice to see though and it made me smile, and this time without streams of tears down my face.  Like a bus, you wait for ages for one and then I get two rainbows in a week... BIG SMILES!

This afternoon two friends called around, J was coming anyway and I knew D was planning to come but they had evidently spoken and arrived together with D's two dogs.  I was lovely to see them.  I love dogs and would love one on the boat with me when I get it but two cats a dog and me might be a bit much.... but, never say never.

We had a coffee and had planned to go for lunch but, with doggies in tow plans were revised and we all went to D's for dinner.  It was lovely, it was they type of afternoon Steve would have loved.  No plans just deciding on the go and going with it.  Dinner was de-lish and, I wouldn't just say that but it was, good grub, good friends and good wine.... yeah forgot that bit, I had a small glass with dinner as I was driving, something I never usually do but it was lovely and, above all, it was nice to have a drink and not drink to get drunk as I guess many of us do when we are younger.

I came home and have been on the PC most of the night, not doing what I needed to but still it's been nice.  I am not going to start what I need to now as I have had a few Bacardi's now, well, two actually but they were very large ones.... oops.

I am quite excited about tomorrow oddly, my car goes back to the garage tomorrow, I say goodbye officially to the car Steve and I had and officially hello to the new one.  the new one is not as new as the old one but she is lovely, an absolute pleasure to drive, (she's put the fun back in to driving) and it is more the sort of car Steve and I would have liked, smaller, sportier and fun.  We always had big cars, when we had the 4x4 it wasn't because we wanted or needed a 4x4 but we needed the space to get out DJ kit around plus suitcases of costumes.

With the next car again, we needed the space for ferrying the kit around and with this car, a Peugeot 3008, we got it because it was practical, it could comfortably fit four people and the boot was big enough to fit a wheelchair in even if we had 4 people in the car. 

We didn't know how sick Steve would get or if he would need a wheelchair but we thought about it just in case.  Steve hated the thought of a wheelchair but was quite sensible and keen to get a car that would suit our needs whatever they may have turned out to be.  He never needed a wheelchair, with hindsight we could have got something sporty and had a more fun car but, we were being practical.  Hey though, it's not a big deal. 

I guess you can see now why I am excited about getting rid of it, it symbolised Steve being ill and us planning for that.  It wasn't a car which reflected two young(ish) guys with no children to worry about and just enjoying life.  Although Steve loved the car he hated it too because of what it symbolised and the reasons behind it's purchase.  I guess tomorrow is a significant day too, it's saying goodbye to another marker or reminder of Steve's illness and how it affected and changed our lives and how it continues to affect my life.  Today has been a good day though and if I keep thinking of the positives about the old car going and the new car meaning a cancer free life then hopefully tomorrow will be a good one too.  fingers crossed.

Well I am going to bed, it's 12.56 here now and I hope to be tucked up in bed by 1.30am .... here's hoping!

Goodnight xxx

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