Tea.

Yes it's an odd one isn't it.  Lately, I'd say over the past 4 or 5 weeks or so I have been drinking a lot more Tea, (I have been drinking a lot more wine too but that's another story).  Right now though I have a large mug of tea at hand.

I've taken to making myself a cuppa before bed and taking it with me to bed.  by the time I settle it's at just the right temperature.  This may not seem odd for anyone else but it does for me and it brings back memories too.  Happy memories.

As you know Steve and I worked most weekends in addition to our day jobs as cabaret artiste's, Drag Queens to be precise.

Many weekends we'd not return home until after 3am sometimes it would be approaching 6am depending how far away the gig was.  It started as a joke between us when people said, "Oooh I bet you can't wait to finish work so you can go and party too..." we would always say how we were looking forward to finishing, going home and having a nice cup of tea and a slice of toast before bed.

It sort of became a ritual for us.  We'd go to our dressing room and take our costumes / makeup or both off then I'd get in to the shower whilst Steve filled the kettle, fetched our bathrobes and got the cups ready etc.  by the time he had done that, (and fed the cats usually), then I'd be out of the shower.  As I dried myself he'd be undressing and getting in the shower so, by the time I had got in to my robe and finished making the tea and toast Steve would be out of the shower too and ready to sit down with me for a well earned cuppa!

We'd spend a while sitting and chatting and reflecting on the night.  Critiquing our own performances or bitching about whoever or whatever had annoyed us that night or sharing the laughs we'd had through the night.

I miss that.  I miss the performing too but with Steve it was all so easy.  We worked well as a couple on and off stage.  We formed a real partnership and I could always rely on him to be there for me, being supportive, helping and contributing in all ways.  From helping prep food for dinner through to helping change the duvet or even the more mundane things like helping tidy up, choose presents or any other jobs that may need doing at any time.  I have to do those alone now.  I am realising more and more I cannot achieve on my own what Steve and I would achieve together.

Tonight I haven't stopped.  Sitting to write this is the first rest I have had.  I needed to sort through my bureau and sort through another cupboard this evening so, as soon as I got in I started packing up my craft stuff and sorting through a huge pile of paperwork. 

It's both therapeutic and difficult.  Obviously there is still a lot of Steve's stuff in there so I have had to sort that too.  Some stuff to go to his memory box, some stuff to go with all the documents or papers I have generated or needed or had to deal with since his death and of course some things which just needed to be destroyed.

I wanted to do so much more with my evening tonight, I wanted to catch up with a friend and hear all about her new car and also speak to another whose call I missed yesterday plus a whole list of other things too but as usual I didn't get through everything on my list.

I'm tired now and have a long day ahead tomorrow so my bed is calling me, (which reminds me I wanted to put fresh linen on the bed tonight too).  Oh dear...  Perhaps I will do it tomorrow... time permitting.

Till then, goodnight,

Mark x

A half week update

You seem to be getting updates every few days now.  I will eventually get back in to the swing of it I guess.  Lets start with Thursday. Firstly the same day last year had been Steves first visit to Christies hospital. Here is his blog, click here I remember the visit and I remember how nervous he was, I was too but I kept him calm.  The hospital is quite pleasant really, not like a general hospital, it felt more friendly.  Steve just accepted everything that was told to him but, on this visit we were also asked about "harvesting sperm" just in case Steve wanted children after his treatment.   We explained that gays have still not evolved into child bearing creatures, the nurse giggled and, although we understood she was asking a serious question we politely told her that children had never been a consideration for us.   Anyway, this Thursday as I said I went to see Top Hat with my Mum.  It was a good show.  Not the same as a musical but really good and Tom Chambers who was in Come Dancing played the male lead.  Top Hat was filmed in 1935 and starred Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, a classic black and White film.  Apart from anything else it was nice to go out with my Mum. Friday was an ok sort of day.  Work was  busy and stressful, I am conscious that my attention span is still less than it used to be and constant distractions from people in the office and others coming in and out of the office only distract me more so all in all it is annoying me.  I guess I will get back to how I was eventually. On the same day last year Steve had been to have the first part of his mask made for his radiotherapy treatment.  He was nervous about it as he was a little claustrophobic but I was there with him in the room which made him feel more relaxed and afterwards he said it hadn't been anywhere near as bad as he feared it might have been, see what he said click here http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/another-day-over.html Friday evening I popped to the shops, I needed to collect a gift I had order for my Sister for Christmas but when I got there it had not arrived.  I called the order line to check on dispatch date and was told it had been delivered and signed for at my home address!  There was me collecting from store and they had sent it to home.  It was there when I got in.  There's not a lot of stuff to buy now for Xmas which is good.  I might start wrapping soon... Woo! I spent Friday evening curled up on the sofa with a bottle of wine.  It was nice to chill but of course it's then that I miss having Steve around to snuggle up to. Saturday was a busy day.  I got up and relaxed for a bit then went to do my ironing ready for my next gay road trip.  As I'm travelling with friends and they have quite a small car I needed to pack smart and take as little as possible.  I think I managed ok. In the afternoon I got showered and then went out to see another friend I have not seen for some time.  It was good to catch up.  He's due to move soon so he took me to see the new place too.  It looks nice, it's a 1 bed flat but is a really good size and looks like it's in a nice quiet area.  I'll see him again when I get back. On this day last year Steve had been to Christies for an MRI scan.  I had a meeting I couldn't get out of with a friend about a bid she was submitting.  I met Steve later in the day, I remember the feeling of relief seeing him after he had been out alone for the day.  I would never have worried before but he had never had Cancer before.  Here's his blog http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/today-has-been-good-day.html It was tough for me to adjust to the realisation I couldn't wrap Steve in cotton wool and protect him.  I am not sure he ever realised how tough it was to do but I did it.  I hope he didn't notice how much i worried, if he did though he didn't let on.  I vehemently defended his independence when others told him he can't or shouldn't and I know he did appreciate that.  He wanted to live his life as normal as possible, that was truly inspirational to me and many others. Last night, after visiting my friend I popped to the supermarket and picked up a few bits before heading home.  I made a delicious meal and supped a bottle of wine watching X  Factor and meddling with my iPad.  I trundled off to bed at a reasonable time, well, just before 1am.   This morning I got up, packed my bag, bundled my eBay stuff ready to go tomorrow, got ready, had breakfast and waited to be collected.  We set off around 10.30 for our big gay road trip to Wales. Steve and I booked this trip in February for us and two friends.  It was a gift for them for birthday and wedding anniversary, we are staying in the centre of Cardiff for 5 nights and head home on Friday 14th.  For Steve and I it was a chance to be tourists as well as for me to meet up with some old friends. The reason we wanted to head home on 14th was because it is our wedding anniversary.  This year would have been our 5th.  We were planning on booking in to a hotel nearer to home for 14th and 15th so we had some time out alone.... Instead I will just be alone. This is the last trip I need to make that Steve and I had planned together.  The only other things I still have left to do that were planned with Steve is wrap and deliver the Christmas presents we had already bought.  Steve never stopped looking forward and planning for our future, he and we lived every minute of his last nine months from diagnosis to death to the best we could. I have read Steve's blog again this morning from this day last year, t seems we had a lie in last year, not this year though, here's what he had to say about this day last year, http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/sleeping-in.html Right now I'm sat in the car typing this.  I like not driving, it means I can make more use of my travel time!  Hope to catch you soon, Mark x

Getting organised and trying to smile

I guess I should update on last week firstly. On Thursday as you know if you read regularly it was 12 months to the day since Steve was given his diagnosis. It was a tough day but I was kept busy so it sort of distracted me. Work was very busy and at night I went to the comedy night I mentioned some weeks ago in my blog.


It’s an annual event and Steve and I had tickets for last year, Steve didn’t go in the end as the event was the night after his surgery but he had insisted I go. It was a good night both last year and this. This year I did end up spending part of it with tears rolling down my face, just little things which reminded me of Steve again. I guess there will be more things like that to trigger me off for a long time to come.

Friday was an OK day. Work wasn’t great but, in part, it is because I am really not “with it”, my mind is obviously on other things. After work I went home but then decided to go out to the shops as I needed to get a few things. I got home around 7ish and spent most of the evening sitting and talking to my parents. I was too tired to blog and again, not really with it. I didn’t even put my computer on.

On Saturday I got up and decided to clean the car. I spent a while polishing it and then vacuumed it and made a few adjustments by changing the interior bulbs from the standard white to blue. That in itself sounds like an easy job but it was fiddly and involved me spending quite some time trying to resolve an issue and resulted in me having to take the door apart and take the inner panel off but, I was satisfied with the end result so that’s OK.

In the afternoon a friend called around so, after I had a shower we headed out to Botany Bay, a local place which is a garden centre but also has some artisan stalls, gifts and accessories etc. I bought a few Christmas decorations, I know it is early but I am being organised. I’m not going mad with decs this year but I have to still “do” Christmas as Steve would have wanted it, he loved the way I do Christmas and I loved seeing him so excited.

Saturday night I ended up getting some food and wine and taking that round to a friends house. We sat and chatted for ages and allegedly supped 4 bottles of wine. I didn’t see the empties so because I am not a boozer I would insist we only shared 1 bottle…. I wonder how many people would believe me?

On Sunday I was late getting up. No hangover I was just tired as I got home after 2am and then had to make the bed as I had stripped it on Saturday morning so I was late getting to sleep.

I chilled at home yesterday morning and then headed out to the shops later in the afternoon. I did a little Christmas shopping, it was quite nice really to be out and about and I only ended up getting a few Christmas things as I don’t need anything for myself. I even bought a prezzie for a friends birthday later this year, I’ve just realised too my Sister’s birthday is before that so I should look for something for her too, another excuse to go shopping.

Last night I sat and looked through the things I have bought already, a lot of things that I bought with Steve too as he also liked to be organised. I just hope people like them. We try hard to get thoughtful gifts but sometimes I wonder if it would just be more appreciated if we bought the same old thoughtless tat that seems to fill the shops at Christmas.

Today I have been at work. It’s been a tough day really but I have managed to stay focussed. This time last year we were living with the aftermath of telling Steve’s parents and our wider circle of friends about Steve’s diagnosis. Steve’s blog entry for last year said “Today has become my hat day”. Because he knew he would lose his hair with Chemo and Radiotherapy he decided to buy hats as he would be bald in winter. Steve accumulated a few hats at this time but he mainly wore the same few.

He had planned that Monday 4th October would be the first day of the rest of his life, more about that tomorrow but for now I’m going to sign off.

Bye for now

Under the microscope...

Yep, thats what's happening right now, I feel I am under the microscope... annoying, frustrating, upsetting and un-nerving.  All will be resolved eventually but for now it is just there..... just like Steve's Cancer was just there...

Perhaps I should go and see that works Doctor or Shrink they wanted to send me to, I can chat to him about that and see what his views are.  Maybe not.

I cant remember when I blogged last... Friday I think so here goes for yesterday.  Twas a good day, not weather wise,that was REALLY bad, heavy rain all over but it didn't dampen my spirits.

I went out for the day with a Friend.  I filled the car with petrol, (that seems to be an expensive luxury too these days), and went to collect him.  We drove out to Gawthorpe Hall to have a look around. It was OK, not a huge house but quite interesting.  It would have been better with better weather but it was a pleasant day.

After that we drove over to Clitheroe which was OK.  I was expecting lots of little quirky shops but, thats not really what we saw.  It was OK though and I guess again the rain did make us less enthusiastic about traipsing around the shops.

From there we had a nosey at Barton Grange, a nice place to have a nosey at and already they have their chrimbo stuff in.  We chatted about Christmas again though.  I am dreading it this year.  I have had offers from friends to go and stay with them but I am still unsure, I dont really wamt to put a dampner on anyone elses Christmas by being miserable or missing Steve but I know it is going to be a tough time.

Steve LOVED Christmas, he always said he loved they was my family go over the top at Christmas with decorations and presents etc as his Chirstmasses as a kid were not like that.  Perhaps some pictures will help explain;

Fireplace 1

Fireplace 2

Fireplace 3

Stairs

Pink Candlestick

Tall Candleabra

Bling Tree

Our Christmasses here have always been fun and Steve and I have already started Christmas shopping.  We were never as bad as to start in January, it always seems a little mean to but presents for next year in this year's sale but if we were out and saw an interesting or unusual item we thought would be particularly useful or suitable for someone then we would buy it and put it aside for Christmas.

I still subscribe to all that and all that is Christmas, I still love the season but I am dreading not having Steve with me.  The sympathetic looks or being lavished with pity for being the lonely widower. 

New year is worse, I hate it and always have.  Steve and I were supposed to work last year, (until his diagnosis that is) as he also disliked new year.  Last year we had a particularly shitty day on New years Eve, (it was the first anniversary of his Aunt's death due to cancer), so we were both in bed around 9pm.  Both upset and both scared of the future.  What was there for us to look forward to in a "New Year"?

This year I want to disappear for Christmas and New year and come back when it's all over.  I don't know what I will end up doing though.  If this place had sold and I was living alone that would be fine, I could be home alone but, as it hasn't sold yet then I have to make alternative plans.  I don't know what they will be yet.... where can I go that isn't very costly where there will be no mention of Christmas or New year?  A cave somewhere I guess!

Today I have a day of being busy planned, I want to be busy to distract myself.  I am signing off now and I will make a start.  I'm not sure what it is that I will start but I'm going to do it now.... well soon anyway.

Have a great day xxx

Mark

A good habit to get in to...

Today has been another good day!  I know!  Shock horror and all that.  It was good insofar as I didn't feel so down today.  The sun has shone for most of the day, well for long enough for me to put the washing out to dry after being lulled into a false sense of security just before the heavens opened and the rain came down! 

I got up this morning and pottered for a bit, I cleaned the car out, took it for a wash and then came back to polish it, stopping off en route for some cat food and the obligatory new air freshener for the car.

This evening I called round to see a friend and we went out for a drive.  We weren't out long but I suppose it beats sitting around with a brew.

Tonight I have been sat here reading, reading stuff on the Internet but reading all the same.  A friend (M) said to me a few weeks ago I should  consider writing a book.  I initially thought no but, I guess my life is quite unusual in some respects.  If nothing else it will be therapeutic to write.  I've looked in to it and, the first thing I need to do is map out my chapters.  I guess if nothing else it will give me something to do, especially as the winter nights approach, we've had the longest day now you see so we're now on the down hill slope to winter.  I'm not looking forward to that.  Steve and I used to sit in and snuggle on the sofa in the winter.  I guess this year I will need a throw or a blanket to snuggle in to.

The other positive thing today is that my olds have celebrated their wedding anniversary, I think it's 38 years, either way it's more years that I am old if that makes sense.  38 years eh!  I was late with their card, I didn't forget I just remembered late.  They didn't bother with cards though, they said they didn't feel like celebrating this year.  I understand that but I know Steve would have got them a card and would want them to celebrate too  as it's a decent milestone.

that was one of the things Steve liked about my family.  He said on more than one occasion how he loved that special days and dates were made to feel special.  I am sure he had a fuss made for his birthday as a child but he said as he got older it just became another day.  That was until he met me, he loved birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries even valentines day because he knew I would usually get him something, sometimes something odd, sometimes useful but he just loved the surprises.  He kept most of the cards I ever sent him.  When I went in his bedside drawer after he had died I found a lot of cards from me to him there, he was very sentimental really, odd but some of those cards are years old but he had kept them close to hand.

I'm going to miss spoiling him this year at Christmas, I loved how his face lit up like a child's because he had no idea what he was getting.  I guess I am glad thats one habit he didn't pick up from his Mum.  She opens her presents straight away, regardless of how early they are.  She will look at them and then close the package back up,  Whats the point?  Theres no surprise then.  Steve loved surprises, I guess I do really but Steve had a special way with surprises.... need I say more than "Star"?!?!? (go back to my blog around mid June onwards if you have no idea).

Well it's time for bed now, I was good yesterday and got in bed a whole hour earlier than the night before, it was 2.30 am, I did meddle with the phone for a bit though and will probably find something to do tonight too but, at least I am in the right place.

Before I go, if you use twitter then follow me at:  adifferentmark I guess then at least there is a "Chance" of a 2 way conversation.

Goodnight xxx

Christmas

Well its official, its almost Christmas.

We started to put the tree up today and decorate the rest of the house. For those that know us Christmas is a big issue in our house and every surface gets a Xmas Makeover.

We normally have at least two trees, the spiral staircase and three fireplaces decorated, altghough this year we have only put one of the tree's up and replaced the other with the huge candelabra. So not much changed really.

One problem with all this merryment is, I have overdone it today and now am aching all over so will be off to bed shortly, i have already had my Radox bath soak, which has heloed massivly.

Tp,prpw were off into town to do the last bits of xmas shopping and then back home to finish the house and tidy up all the mess that it creates.

Till tomrrow

Steve