Sunday, 18 September 2011

Under the microscope...

Yep, thats what's happening right now, I feel I am under the microscope... annoying, frustrating, upsetting and un-nerving.  All will be resolved eventually but for now it is just there..... just like Steve's Cancer was just there...

Perhaps I should go and see that works Doctor or Shrink they wanted to send me to, I can chat to him about that and see what his views are.  Maybe not.

I cant remember when I blogged last... Friday I think so here goes for yesterday.  Twas a good day, not weather wise,that was REALLY bad, heavy rain all over but it didn't dampen my spirits.

I went out for the day with a Friend.  I filled the car with petrol, (that seems to be an expensive luxury too these days), and went to collect him.  We drove out to Gawthorpe Hall to have a look around. It was OK, not a huge house but quite interesting.  It would have been better with better weather but it was a pleasant day.

After that we drove over to Clitheroe which was OK.  I was expecting lots of little quirky shops but, thats not really what we saw.  It was OK though and I guess again the rain did make us less enthusiastic about traipsing around the shops.

From there we had a nosey at Barton Grange, a nice place to have a nosey at and already they have their chrimbo stuff in.  We chatted about Christmas again though.  I am dreading it this year.  I have had offers from friends to go and stay with them but I am still unsure, I dont really wamt to put a dampner on anyone elses Christmas by being miserable or missing Steve but I know it is going to be a tough time.

Steve LOVED Christmas, he always said he loved they was my family go over the top at Christmas with decorations and presents etc as his Chirstmasses as a kid were not like that.  Perhaps some pictures will help explain;
Fireplace 1
Fireplace 2
Fireplace 3
Pink Candlestick
Tall Candleabra
Bling Tree
Our Christmasses here have always been fun and Steve and I have already started Christmas shopping.  We were never as bad as to start in January, it always seems a little mean to but presents for next year in this year's sale but if we were out and saw an interesting or unusual item we thought would be particularly useful or suitable for someone then we would buy it and put it aside for Christmas.

I still subscribe to all that and all that is Christmas, I still love the season but I am dreading not having Steve with me.  The sympathetic looks or being lavished with pity for being the lonely widower. 

New year is worse, I hate it and always have.  Steve and I were supposed to work last year, (until his diagnosis that is) as he also disliked new year.  Last year we had a particularly shitty day on New years Eve, (it was the first anniversary of his Aunt's death due to cancer), so we were both in bed around 9pm.  Both upset and both scared of the future.  What was there for us to look forward to in a "New Year"?

This year I want to disappear for Christmas and New year and come back when it's all over.  I don't know what I will end up doing though.  If this place had sold and I was living alone that would be fine, I could be home alone but, as it hasn't sold yet then I have to make alternative plans.  I don't know what they will be yet.... where can I go that isn't very costly where there will be no mention of Christmas or New year?  A cave somewhere I guess!

Today I have a day of being busy planned, I want to be busy to distract myself.  I am signing off now and I will make a start.  I'm not sure what it is that I will start but I'm going to do it now.... well soon anyway.

Have a great day xxx

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