A half week update

You seem to be getting updates every few days now.  I will eventually get back in to the swing of it I guess.  Lets start with Thursday. Firstly the same day last year had been Steves first visit to Christies hospital. Here is his blog, click here I remember the visit and I remember how nervous he was, I was too but I kept him calm.  The hospital is quite pleasant really, not like a general hospital, it felt more friendly.  Steve just accepted everything that was told to him but, on this visit we were also asked about "harvesting sperm" just in case Steve wanted children after his treatment.   We explained that gays have still not evolved into child bearing creatures, the nurse giggled and, although we understood she was asking a serious question we politely told her that children had never been a consideration for us.   Anyway, this Thursday as I said I went to see Top Hat with my Mum.  It was a good show.  Not the same as a musical but really good and Tom Chambers who was in Come Dancing played the male lead.  Top Hat was filmed in 1935 and starred Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, a classic black and White film.  Apart from anything else it was nice to go out with my Mum. Friday was an ok sort of day.  Work was  busy and stressful, I am conscious that my attention span is still less than it used to be and constant distractions from people in the office and others coming in and out of the office only distract me more so all in all it is annoying me.  I guess I will get back to how I was eventually. On the same day last year Steve had been to have the first part of his mask made for his radiotherapy treatment.  He was nervous about it as he was a little claustrophobic but I was there with him in the room which made him feel more relaxed and afterwards he said it hadn't been anywhere near as bad as he feared it might have been, see what he said click here http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/another-day-over.html Friday evening I popped to the shops, I needed to collect a gift I had order for my Sister for Christmas but when I got there it had not arrived.  I called the order line to check on dispatch date and was told it had been delivered and signed for at my home address!  There was me collecting from store and they had sent it to home.  It was there when I got in.  There's not a lot of stuff to buy now for Xmas which is good.  I might start wrapping soon... Woo! I spent Friday evening curled up on the sofa with a bottle of wine.  It was nice to chill but of course it's then that I miss having Steve around to snuggle up to. Saturday was a busy day.  I got up and relaxed for a bit then went to do my ironing ready for my next gay road trip.  As I'm travelling with friends and they have quite a small car I needed to pack smart and take as little as possible.  I think I managed ok. In the afternoon I got showered and then went out to see another friend I have not seen for some time.  It was good to catch up.  He's due to move soon so he took me to see the new place too.  It looks nice, it's a 1 bed flat but is a really good size and looks like it's in a nice quiet area.  I'll see him again when I get back. On this day last year Steve had been to Christies for an MRI scan.  I had a meeting I couldn't get out of with a friend about a bid she was submitting.  I met Steve later in the day, I remember the feeling of relief seeing him after he had been out alone for the day.  I would never have worried before but he had never had Cancer before.  Here's his blog http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/today-has-been-good-day.html It was tough for me to adjust to the realisation I couldn't wrap Steve in cotton wool and protect him.  I am not sure he ever realised how tough it was to do but I did it.  I hope he didn't notice how much i worried, if he did though he didn't let on.  I vehemently defended his independence when others told him he can't or shouldn't and I know he did appreciate that.  He wanted to live his life as normal as possible, that was truly inspirational to me and many others. Last night, after visiting my friend I popped to the supermarket and picked up a few bits before heading home.  I made a delicious meal and supped a bottle of wine watching X  Factor and meddling with my iPad.  I trundled off to bed at a reasonable time, well, just before 1am.   This morning I got up, packed my bag, bundled my eBay stuff ready to go tomorrow, got ready, had breakfast and waited to be collected.  We set off around 10.30 for our big gay road trip to Wales. Steve and I booked this trip in February for us and two friends.  It was a gift for them for birthday and wedding anniversary, we are staying in the centre of Cardiff for 5 nights and head home on Friday 14th.  For Steve and I it was a chance to be tourists as well as for me to meet up with some old friends. The reason we wanted to head home on 14th was because it is our wedding anniversary.  This year would have been our 5th.  We were planning on booking in to a hotel nearer to home for 14th and 15th so we had some time out alone.... Instead I will just be alone. This is the last trip I need to make that Steve and I had planned together.  The only other things I still have left to do that were planned with Steve is wrap and deliver the Christmas presents we had already bought.  Steve never stopped looking forward and planning for our future, he and we lived every minute of his last nine months from diagnosis to death to the best we could. I have read Steve's blog again this morning from this day last year, t seems we had a lie in last year, not this year though, here's what he had to say about this day last year, http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/sleeping-in.html Right now I'm sat in the car typing this.  I like not driving, it means I can make more use of my travel time!  Hope to catch you soon, Mark x

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, Cry and you get wet...

Firstly here is Steve's blog entry for this day lats year, (Click Here) Sorry if you don't want to see what he wrote last year but right now there are a lot of anniversaries and I think seeing how Steve was 12 months ago really puts things into context.  Remember he was the one living with a death sentence, not me but, despite that he has given me (and may readers of his blog who messaged privately), inspiration and strength to carry on.

I am still reminded every day about the positive impact Steve has had on my life, I love him so much for that.  He has shown me happiness I never imagined but he has also introduced me to friends I may never have known, to their love which I may never have felt and has helped me realise my own strength of character which I never knew existed.

Today has been an OK sort of day.  I don't mention work much not because it is good, bad or indifferent but because they monitor and read my posts.  I know how I feel about that and I am sure each person reading will have views too but this blog is not about them or where I work etc it is about me, for once it is all about me.  Well, not really, Steve features greatly too.

On a personal note I have had a reasonable few days.  I have made contact with some old friends, made some new ones and generally I feel I am slowly re-constructing a life around myself.  I don't think a lottery win would make it happen sooner but the £100M Euromillions jackpot on Friday would be fab, there are so many charities I would help, I reckon I could "lose" half at least and not miss it.

Tomorrow night I may not get to blog, I am off to the theatre with Mother to see "Top Hat".  I saw it advertised some time ago, I mentioned it to a friend and we said it would be nice to go but never got around to booking.  Mother mentioned it last week so I managed to get tickets earlier this week.  Feathers, Sequins, Tailcoats and Top Hats  reminds me of Steve and I or, should I say, Enid and Bobbie....

Looking at this picture though has reminded me of another "Tailcoat and Top Hat" picture...

There aren't any better ones of the two of us in this garb but again seeing the corset reminded me of another occasion we wore the corsets

This was MANY years ago for a friend's 40th Birthday, the birthday "boy" is in the middle

There are SO many happy memories crammed in to the relatively short time we were together and each and every one makes me smile.  Today, or rather, this evening, has made me smile a lot.  Chatting to a friend this evening too has made me smile.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Steve is showing me the way, guiding me toward happier times. Thank you Steve, Thank you family, Thank you friends.

Goodnight for now xxxx Mark xxxx