Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, Cry and you get wet...

Firstly here is Steve's blog entry for this day lats year, (Click Here) Sorry if you don't want to see what he wrote last year but right now there are a lot of anniversaries and I think seeing how Steve was 12 months ago really puts things into context.  Remember he was the one living with a death sentence, not me but, despite that he has given me (and may readers of his blog who messaged privately), inspiration and strength to carry on.

I am still reminded every day about the positive impact Steve has had on my life, I love him so much for that.  He has shown me happiness I never imagined but he has also introduced me to friends I may never have known, to their love which I may never have felt and has helped me realise my own strength of character which I never knew existed.

Today has been an OK sort of day.  I don't mention work much not because it is good, bad or indifferent but because they monitor and read my posts.  I know how I feel about that and I am sure each person reading will have views too but this blog is not about them or where I work etc it is about me, for once it is all about me.  Well, not really, Steve features greatly too.

On a personal note I have had a reasonable few days.  I have made contact with some old friends, made some new ones and generally I feel I am slowly re-constructing a life around myself.  I don't think a lottery win would make it happen sooner but the £100M Euromillions jackpot on Friday would be fab, there are so many charities I would help, I reckon I could "lose" half at least and not miss it.

Tomorrow night I may not get to blog, I am off to the theatre with Mother to see "Top Hat".  I saw it advertised some time ago, I mentioned it to a friend and we said it would be nice to go but never got around to booking.  Mother mentioned it last week so I managed to get tickets earlier this week.  Feathers, Sequins, Tailcoats and Top Hats  reminds me of Steve and I or, should I say, Enid and Bobbie....

Looking at this picture though has reminded me of another "Tailcoat and Top Hat" picture...

There aren't any better ones of the two of us in this garb but again seeing the corset reminded me of another occasion we wore the corsets

This was MANY years ago for a friend's 40th Birthday, the birthday "boy" is in the middle

There are SO many happy memories crammed in to the relatively short time we were together and each and every one makes me smile.  Today, or rather, this evening, has made me smile a lot.  Chatting to a friend this evening too has made me smile.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Steve is showing me the way, guiding me toward happier times. Thank you Steve, Thank you family, Thank you friends.

Goodnight for now xxxx Mark xxxx

PISSED OFF!!! Fuming!!! ANGRY!!!

I am so Pissed Off right now I feel like smashing things and shouting and screaming and GRRRRRRRRRR!!!  I could cry too....

Today has been a shit day.  Work was OK but I called British Gas about my account at the other property I let out, (or used to let out it is currently vacant).  the property has been empty since before Steve died so at least 4 or 5 months now.

They keep sending bills and I keep phoning to advise there is nobody living there so therefore there should be no bill due. Also, as the previous tenant left she obviously gave the contact details for the landlord as Steve or Mark, I am not sure whether it is her foreign accent or that of the person in the call centre but this has now meant the bill is in the name of Mr Steve Omark.  I have tried on many occasions to get this corrected, last month they seemed to understand, (I thought it may actually get done this time as the person I spoke to was in the UK and spoke good English).  but NO.  Fcukwits!

The bills are continuing in the name of this fictitious person.  Additionally, as I have not paid the ESTIMATED bill (for a property empty and not consuming any fuel)I have now had a letter advising me they are going to force entry to disconnect the supply.  Well firstly I don't give a toss if the supply is disconnected, at least I wont have to deal with the Fcukwits again but I do care about possible damage to the property.

I called again and after speaking to someone whose understanding of what I was saying was non existent I asked to speak to a manager.  Attitude!?!?  I have never heard one as bad as his, again I doubt this person was in the UK so had no comprehension of what I was saying, he was difficult and rude and when I asked to be put through to the complaint department I was told to "go online".  When i told him he was being rude and difficult I was told.... "Whatever"..... I was SO annoyed.  I hung up and called back and spoke to someone different, initially I mentioned my complaint and he asked why I wanted to complain then asked why I had called in the first place.  When I explained to him why I was calling he hung upon me!!!  I was calling from a land line to another land line so I will not accept it was merely a problem with the "phone signal".

I was furious, I couldn't speak further I was just exasperated by the whole thing, I went online and made a complaint and stated my "issue".  I doubt anything will be done.  British Gas, Big Fat Fail!!! If I decide to keep the property the supplier is being changed as is the supplier at home.  Also, "British Gas" is a contradiction in terms, it may be supplied in Britain but there was nothing "British" about the service (or lack of) received today.

At home the man from Virgin has been out to fix our Internet today, it was working before I went away but it seems something went wrong whilst I was away.  My Sister and her Hubby were here at the weekend so he looked at it and made the necessary arrangements for the man to come and fix it today.

It seems there was something wrong with our router, he has swapped it for a new shiny one.  Wonderful.  my Mum made sure before he left that she could get on the Internet so it seemed to pass the test and when I got home the Internet man had gone and all seemed well.

That was until my Mum tried to sort her eBay stuff this evening.  You might recall my post a few weeks ago about technology and how stressed I was with the whole wireless printing, this from someone who Steve referred to as a "geek" not long before he died, (that was because I bought a new iPhone 4 and was sucked in to the iWorld).  Anyway, Mother has 2 printers, (we have one so 3 in total).  All of which are wireless.  Oh joy!!!

I have lost a whole evening tonight trying to get the wireless printers to work, trying to get the desktop PC to work, My Mum's laptop and Dad's laptop work and connect to the Internet no problem, mine wont!  I have not looked at Steve's yet to see if that does.  I am SO frustrated.  Right now I am connected via my phone, not the best but right now I have a broadband connection I can't access! 

I managed to resolve the printing issue for my Mum though, we have a wire!  Connect printer to Laptop and hey presto printed words.  The techie geeky nerdy stuff was Steve's department, he understood it as does my brother in law.  It will have to wait till he visits next which, I am told might not be for some time, maybe not even before Christmas.

I will try to connect my PC to the Internet router thing tomorrow, I will also go to the attic to find a wire, it's a shit solution but I really cannot cope with the amount of stress the whole thing is causing, it's a computer FFS!!!  they are supposed to make life easier, not mine, they are just causing me more stress, more frown lines and damaged teeth as I grind them in anger.

I am fed up now, angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed and missing Steve like mad as he is the one person I know could fix it and would have the patience to fix it and who I trusted completely and who understood how stressful this all is for me and would just take it all away from me.

Steve, just thinking back to this time last year, well not this date but 25th Sept last year.  Steve had been discharged from hospital on 24th September and had said he fancied a 'chippy tea' (Takeaway I guess would be the nearest thing for our American friends).  when we got home Mother had made food so we didn't get our chippy tea but, as he really wanted it we decided to go on Saturday.

Usually at the chip shop Steve would go in and order, he wanted to again but I went with him, remember he had just come out of hospital from having major brain surgery 3 days prior on 22nd September and was wearing a nasty wound and 37 staples in his head.

  After ordering we stood in line and waited for our food to be cooked.  We chatted and then when our order was done we took it and left.

When we got back to the car Steve asked, "did you hear that woman?"  I said no and then he explained how he has heard her turn to her friend and say "eeeew look at his head.... that's disgusting".  That hurt Steve, she was right and he knew it didn't look pleasant but she was so thoughtless.  I was about to go back and have a go at the woman for her thoughtless hurtful comments but Steve didn't want me to fuss.  I wish I knew who she was  so I could go and tell her how hurtful her comment was and how ignorant I think she is.  Probably best I don't know though.

Well it's just tipped past midnight, I was hoping to be in bed for 11 at the latest, hmmm another nights plans ruined.  On the plus side though I am SO happy to have my iToys to keep me connected!

Until next time xxx M xxx

Help! Please......

If you are a regular reader you will know Steve's friend and colleague, Andrew, has just taken part in The Great North Run in aid of Christies Hospital in memory of Stephen. 

He set a £500 target and is VERY close to this, please please please if you can spare a few pounds please sponsor him to help him reach his target.  He has done fantastically well and Steve would be VERY proud of him and that he has done the run in Steve's name. 

Andrew is not an athlete so this really has been an achievement for him.  Well done Andrew and please help if you can by following this link: http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85

I have been reading Steves blog lately from last year.  Much of it is familiar to me and the significant dates seem to be etchen in my mind.  This time last year Steve was worrying about his forthcoming surgery, here's what he had to say about it: http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/09/update.html

Those days are clear in my mind but, Steve's positive attitude bewildered me.  I didn't understand but, I  could not make any criticism.  He was offered a chance to help beat this disease and he grabbed it with both hands.  Think about that as you wonder whether it is worth forsaking the last few tablets on your course of anti biotics in favour of a night out or a few glasses of wine. 

If you are offered a chance, whether that is of health or otherwise then take it.  Some people don't get chances or choices so use yours wisely.

On learning of his diagnosis Steve stopped drinking alcohol.  there were a few exceptions but few enough to count on one hand and even then at most he would have one or two glasses and no more.  Sat here with a glass of wine I feel guilty.  Not guilty enough to stop but I am conscious of the differences. 

I still miss Steve with every breath I take, every spare moment is consumed with thoughts of him and wishing he could be here.  Another hug, another kiss even another night of him stealing the duvet.  There is nothing I wouldn't give just to have that one more time.

Tomorrow after work I am driving north to help a friend for a few days. It will be an interesting time I think as I know I am likely to meet some other people dealing with the same Cancer Steve had, a Glioblastoma Multiforme.

The timing is rubbish as this is a month of anniversaries but I doubt there would ever be a "good time" but, best foot forward and all that.

I'm signing off now to go and iron some clothes.  I hope to update again in the next few days but don't be alarmed if I don't.

Bye for now xxx
M x

You don't die from a broken heart...

...you only wish you did.

I know this to be true as I am still alive to write this for you and yes, I have wished I could be with Steve, whatever it takes. 

The past few days have been tough.  I mentioned a few days ago the anniversary of Steve being admitted to hospital.  One year ago today he was discharged from hospital.  He was discharged following an appointment with a Consultant Neurosurgeon.

The meeting was at a different hospital, the one near our home so, we collected Steve's belongings and drove over to the hospital.  Steve's Mum had decided she wanted to go too, even though Steve didn't want that, (he just didn't want the fuss), he was beyond putting up an arguement and just accepted it.

We waited outside the ward for our appointment.  A very secure ward with restricted doors etc so only authorised personnel were allowed in.  We were shown to an office and asked to wait.  Steve was sat alongside me gripping my hand tightly, he was SO scared but put on a brave face.

The Consultant entered the room, a friendly looking older gent closely followed by a nurse, in uniform but holding a leaflet.  One glance at the leaflet and I saw the word "Macmillan" across it.  My heart sunk and I guessed what might be coming.  She placed the leaflet face down on the table next to her.  It was too late, I had seen it and Steve had too.

The meeting seemed a bit of a blur to Steve, he engaged with the consultant but although he heard the words he didn't remember.  I had to go over it again for him when we got home.

The consultant told us that at present the only diagnosis he could give was that it was a cystic tumour.  This meant that it is a tumour which is of indeterminable substance.  He couldn't say if it was cancer or not and would not be drawn to make a comment as to his opinion of it.

The tumour appeared, from the scans, to measure around 3cm by 5cm, around the size of a large egg.  He showed us the scan and we could see how large it looked, it seemed to take up almost a quarter of the space his brain was occupying.  It explained the headaches.

He told Steve that he would be admitted to hospital the following week for major brain surgery and that he would be performing it.  He explained the procedure, called debulking and explained the risks, death from anaesthetic, death from complications death from etc etc.  We asked about the alternative, it wasn't very attractive, it was death. 

It was odd that he knew this tumour could kill Steve but didn't know what it was.  With hindsight I think he probably had a pretty good idea what it was but wouldn't commit until absolutely sure. 

Steve asked about out holiday, remember we were due to go on holiday early in November for 3 weeks.  All he would say is that he can't advise one way or another until the biopsy has been done.  He said if it is benign then a holiday may be just the thing he needs to relax and recuperate, if it is malignant then further treatment would continue as soon as possible to provide him with the best possible chance.

As a young, fit and healthy man he said Steve had a very good chance of making a full recovery.  He did say though that he could expect to feel tired for around six months as brain surgery can affect energy levels for quite some time.

The rest of the day we were numb.  We were grateful to be reunited at home but we were numb.

Twelve months on from that and I feel numb again.  I am brutally aware of what happened next and of my current situation but I'm managing to stay relatively composed (almost).  I cant think of very much else at the moment but I am trying to be strong.  Steve was and remained so thoroughout his journey.  I can't call it an illness as he refused to let it make him ill. 

Stephen showed more courage than I ever thought imaginable.  He called me his rock.  He was mine too.  His courage and determination was a constant inspiration to me and still is. For that I am grateful and always will be.

Well it's not been 'that' long...

Hiya,
Well at least this time I have only missed one day not a whole week.  anyway here goes.  Yesterday was an OK day, I logged on from home and did a heap of work.  I'm just trying to catch up a little before I go back.  I got quite a lot done  so was quite pleased.  Apart from that there was not a huge amount of news but I did have a lovely email last night from someone Steve used to work with.  I've copied part of the email below for you:

I work in the Accounts department at Traveljigsaw and have done for a number of years.  I was therefore lucky enough to know and work with Steve for a number of years and I must say we always had a ball

Earlier this year I thought I would try and show my support towards Steve and his illness by signing up to run the Great North Run.  I asked Steve before I signed up that I wanted to do this for a charity of his choice and together we decided that I would run and try and raise some money for The Christie.  With the run less than 2 weeks away I have set up a just giving page to try and raise as much money as I can for this charity as per Steve’s wishes

(www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85).  I am sorry that I have not been in touch sooner in regards to this but I was unsure myself as to whether I would be able to do the run until such short notice.  I was wondering whether you would be able to mention this and my just giving page on your next blog or on facebook somewhere so we can try and raise as much as we possibly can.

I remember Steve mentioning this to me and I know he was chuffed that someone wanted to do this in his honour which is why I am passing this on as I (and I am sure Steve), would be very grateful if anyone could support Andrew in raising money for a very worthwhile cause.

Today I have spent most of the day out, I had to take my car in to the garage for an MOT so took it to the garage it went to last year and then spent the day with a friend whilst the garage worked on the car.  Steve's Mum visited this evening, it was nice to chat to her properly but this evening I have not managed to catch up on any of the things I wanted to sort, I think an early night is in order and an early start tomorrow so it's goodnight for now.
M x

A HUGE update

Here goes. I’ve not written for a few days so you’re in for a HUGE update.


Monday was a fairly good day. Well, sort of. You may recall I’d had a call on Saturday from Christies Hospital to go and collect Steve’s belongings which were there. I combined this with a trip to Steve’s work to drop off his computer which was brought here when he started “Working from home”. The work visit was first and was OK; I only saw Steve’s boss and we chatted a little. He’s a nice guy and Steve got on very well with him and liked him not only as a person but as a boss too.

The Christies visit was less pleasant. I had to go in to the critical care unit where Steve had been treated just before he was transferred to Hope Hospital. The nurse offered her condolence etc and I recognised her from when I was there last. I collected his bag of stuff. On the way out I bumped into the Doctor who had seen Steve on his last Chemo run, we chatted for a while but, she also said how completely shocked she had been about Steve’s passing, ESPECIALLY since she had seen him on 1st June and he died just 2 weeks later on 15th June. It was nice to talk but she understood when I told her I hope to not see her again in a ‘medical’ capacity.

After that I needed some air and a change of thought so I picked up a friend and we went to Heaton Park for a walk. I went a few weeks ago and ended up having to come home when my battery run out on the camera. This time my battery lasted a little longer but I had not charged them so I ran out of power again but I didn’t stress about it. We ended up sitting alongside the duck pond for a while chatting, it was nice to have a proper chat.

After that I drove him home and then called in at home before A friend arrived from Scotland to stay for a few days. It was nice to see here and to be able to chat. It wasn’t purely social, she had business to attend to here but all the same it was nice to catch up. We ended up talking till way too late but, it was good to do. I ended up though going to collect her from Knutsford as that’s where she had been left, it’s a long story.

Tuesday was OK, I took T to look for a scooter, and we found a really decent one quite locally. It will give her more independence, freedom and the ability to be out of the house for longer periods of time, hopefully free of pain. After that we called home again before heading off to see another friend about a different project. It all seems a bit hush hush but we’re trying not to tempt fate by bleating on about it, fingers crossed.

Tuesday evening Steve’s Mum visited as usual and again T and I spent way too long talking till far too late but again, it was good.

Yesterday was an odd day. We got up late because we’d gone to bed late. After T finally ;-) got dressed we went out. We had to call in to the bank first then went for a drive to Marple to the canal and spent a few hours watching the narrow boats navigating between locks 12 to 16. It looked like hard work for them. It made me think how realistic it is going to be for me to live on a narrow boat and cruise the network alone. The lock needs to be opened, and then the boat driven (?) in to the lock, the lock gate closed behind then wait for the lock to fill before opening the next gate, driving the boat out of the lock and then closing the lock gate behind you and then on to the next.... multiply that process by 16 and you can see how tiring and time consuming it is all likely to be, bearing in mind each lock takes about 20 minutes when at least 2 people are operating it.

I don’t want it to alter my decision but it certainly is a leveller. There’s a lot to consider. Knowing me though I am so stubborn, (like Steve) that I will probably just do it but curse the aches and pains (and exercise) involved!

After that T and I went to the Trafford Centre for dinner, we had a Thai meal and it was lovely and we then went to watch the last Harry Potter film. I guess it was significant for us both as she had read Harry Potter to her Fiancée as he lay critically ill. For me, I hadn’t thought about it before but, Steve and I have been to see every film together. I had read the books but Steve hadn’t. I refused to tell him the ending of each part though so, I realised last night Steve never knew the ending to the story. A journey Steve and I had begun together, watching a series of films, and he never got to the end.

I spent a lot of the film with tears running down my face. The 3D glasses were a good disguise. The tears flowed regardless of what was happening in the film, the film didn’t make me cry. Stephen wasn’t seeing it with me and that is what upset me.

I enjoyed the film but I had never considered going to the cinema to see a 12 rated film could be SO traumatic and make me cry almost the whole way through it.

On the way home T and I spoke about loads of stuff but the subject of music came up. She explained how she associates pieces of music with people and places. I asked what mine was. She said it is a piece for Steve and me and invited me to guess. Show tunes or Pop Music were nowhere near so I gave up and asked what song, she told me, Neil Diamond. I immediately thought or “America” or “Love on the rocks” and was puzzled. She told me it was “Forever in blue jeans”. It hit me.

I started crying straight away, the first verse says it all and I remembered straight away the time and place and events and why that song had become significant to us. I re-posted Steve’s blog last night with the song.

The first verse reads:

Money Talks

But it don't sing and dance

And it don't walk

As long as I can have you here with me

I'd much rather be

Forever in blue jeans

Forever in Blue Jeans

I told Stephen it was relevant to us, sod the drag, sod the stage lights and the glitz and glam and fun and sequins, wigs, shoes, parties, laughter and travelling, I just wanted him. I STILL only want him but, I know it will never be, not in this life at least.

I’m not going to write much about today, it’s been a Shitty day so far, hopefully I can turn it around but for now I think I have written enough.

Until next time xxx Mark xxx

Forever in blue jeans...

Tonight I have just been reminded of an old blog post of Steve's, I've copied it below, it was earlier this year just as we were going away.  Have a read and listen to the song.... hope you enjoy x

Away - Sunday 13th Feb 2011



Well we've done it. We managed to get out of the house, and we were only 34 minutes behind schedule. Which for us is brilliant.



I realised earlier that I haven't updated all weekend so here goes with a big update.

Friday I was in the office and managed to get loads done, I actually felt part of the team again. After work I went for coffee with my friend Dr Jon which was good as we just watched the world go by and had a good catch up.

Mark picked me up in town and we went shopping for dinner. Marks good at his mixed grills. From there we just veged in front of the tv watching DVD's and I did more on our diamante throw - which is slowly getting there...

Saturday we were up and dressed pretty early. I did the post run for the last of our weekly sales. Everyone should have their purchases by monday hopefully.

Saturday afternoon was spent photographing more stock which will be uploaded on Thursday - see even when were away were working.... I even have a box of tights in the car ready for this weeks sales....

Last night we did our packing and ironing ready for today, nothing like being organised. It was then veg on the sofa and more diamante and Mark with his ebay pictures.

This morning we were up full cooked breakfast and load the car. Were now whizzing down the motorway on our way.

Don't worry about the cats and the in-laws We've left them loads of food and they are house trained - the cats just please themselves :-)

We just decided whilst listening to Michael Balls Sunday Brunch show that Neil Diamonds Forever in Blue Jeans is our new song because he would rather have me and have to wear blue jeans than not to have me and have sequins.... Soppy sod. But it is really relevant to us.

Anyway will sign off and update later.
Steve x

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D27dmGp2zU