Here goes, I thought this blog post may have been drafted through teary eyes, I am sure you will understand why when you read on but, I am pleased to say that I am doing OK and whilst tears have not been consciously excluded from my life they tend not to feature so much anymore. I am happy with this change and, I must admit, somewhat surprised too. I’ll explain.
On Monday I woke up and felt awful, I doubt it is more than a cold or a virus of some sort but I ached all over, I had a fuzzy head and a sore throat. I’ve used past tense but I still feel the same now, it seems to come over me in waves, I felt awful earlier between 3 and 6pm but feel slightly better now. I’m self medicating when I remember to take the tablets etc but I hope it has all cleared for the weekend.
Yesterday (Tuesday) was, or would have been, Stephens 33rd Birthday. He was desperate to get to 33 as it would signify him beating the doctors diagnosis. Here is what Steve wrote about it last year. (CLICK HERE) Reading this brings back a lot of memories, I still miss Steve but I talk about him still almost every day, (really it probably IS every day), and Jonathan is fine with this. He understands Steve was and is still a part of my life and I appreciate that so much, the fact that he is so comfortable with Stephen. He says he feels he knows Stephen even though he has never met him as he has heard so many stories from Me, from Family and from friends. He also understands though that Steve is not a threat to our relationship, in fact, because of Steve I now have a different outlook on life and this will have certainly helped us grow together as a couple. Life is too short so take that happiness and never let it go and, if you love someone make sure they know it.
As for yesterday though I anticipated earlier this year that it may be a tough day so I booked myself on to a charity fundraising training course yesterday morning. I did that months ago as I thought by using the day productively to learn how I could help others then I would be paying tribute to Steve and not letting the cancer win. I then spent the afternoon and early evening at a work event with a load of children aged 6 – 10 and their excitement over the activities we were running was lovely. I forgot all my worries when I realised how tough these kids lives had been and their laughter and noise made me smile.
Last night when I arrived home Jonathan was already here, it was lovely to come home to him being here already sat chatting and supping a brew, it felt right and cosy and it made me smile inside and out to see that he is now feeling more comfortable here. He probably won’t thank me for saying it, but he was initially a little less relaxed here (and I understand this), but now, he really seems to have settled. I like that and it seems other members of the family, including the cats, like that too.
After a quick drink it was off out for dinner and a film. Last night we saw Mirror Mirror it was a good film, the cinema was really empty so we snuggled up together and just enjoyed each others company as well as the film.
Today has been another tough day. Jonathan and I attended the funeral of the father of a close friend. This is the second funeral I have been to since Steve’s but, given that yesterday could have been a very emotional day Jonathan wanted to show his support not only for our friend but also for me and came along too.
I have to say it isn’t how I would imagine a day out with a new partner and I hope that it is many years before we do that again but, it was lovely to have Jonathan with me, I really appreciated him being there and caring for our friends and of course for caring how difficult the situation could have been for me too. The funeral went off without a hitch and was as nice as any funeral can be. We were not able to stay on and drink a toast to him though as I had to get to the office for a meeting which, I managed to get to moments after my guest.
The rest of the day has been busy but tonight Steve’s Mum visited. She brought a local delicacy for dinner this evening, Potato Hash, it’s a sort of stew type thing and is apparently quite “northern”. Steve used to make it too and it is the first time we have had it since he passed away. I think he had a hand in this too though as in true Steve style it burnt a little in the pan, it really was delicious though and now I know she is almost as good as Steve at making it I might ask her to cook it again. Steve’s Mum shares her birthday with Steve so yesterday was tough for her too but, on advice, (pushing) from me she went with Steve’s Dad to see Phantom Of The Opera in Manchester last night it has had mixed reviews (SEE HERE) but they said it was fantastic. I am pleased that they enjoyed it though, not least because I had suggested it and it was Steve’s favourite musical too so a fitting way to mark his birthday too.
So there you have it, you can now see why it could have been a difficult blog to write but, it’s done and it has made me feel happy and smiley. I keep saying it but these feel like the happier days I had hoped for all those months ago.
Until next time, goodnight and take care xxx