Angry and upset.

That's how I feel tonight (Tuesday 29th May).  I wasn't going to write this post but Jonathan has reminded me that this blog is mine and that I am sharing it with others not writing it for others.

Tonight I have cried for the first time in a long time and not over Steve but in anger and upset about myself, situations around me  and the situation I find myself in now.

I am lying in bed in a lovely room in a beautiful hotel but I am so unhappy right now.  I feel ungrateful, I know so many would really love to be here in my place and, for me, they would be welcome to it.  I didn't want to come on this holiday in from the outset.  I tried to refuse many times but, following persistent requests, including calls to my parents I eventually relented.  I am angry at myself though for not sticking to my initial decision and declining the invite.  

There is not one thing I could say is wrong with the hotel but I just do not want to be here.  I have been here a week already though, my flight home can't come soon enough.  Being detached from home by no Internet is making it more difficult.  I can buy wifi in 30 minute chunks but it's not cheap and it's inconvenient.  I do manage to see and speak to Jonathan every evening but, I am not just missing him but I think the fact I don't want to be here is making me miss other things about home too I would even rather be in work and looking forward to the weekend.

Aside from my predicament here is am also frustrated by a few other things but, I keep reminding my self that the passage of time alone will resolve those.

Hopefully I'll have a more positive attitude after some sleep.  Who knows?

Bye for now,

Mark

Sent from my iPad

Lazy day

Well it's Monday and instead of heading out to work or indeed heading down to the pool , so far today I have stayed in my room, (local time is 12.28).  I really can't be bothered today.

Perhaps it's a British thing but I am bored of the heat, (this room is air conditioned), bored of sunshine and I just don't feel like going very far.  I will do soon though as I will need to go out for lunch.  It would seem extravagant and lazy especially when the restaurants here have a lovely selection to order room service.

Before I came away I had plans of doing many things but as I have to buy wifi at 30 minute intervals it could work out very expensive and, I guess I am supposed to relax on holiday.  I have relaxed a little here, I've also read quite a few study papers though on cancer and various other things I have been meaning to read for some time so I've not totally avoided the things I promised myself I would do.

One thing which I have found to be a real blessing and a total saviour of my sanity is FaceTime.  I  am loving it.  It has made such a difference being able to chat face to face with Jonathan every night.  He's very busy at the moment with various films he's making, right now he is trying to promote a film he did for a local council.  Oldham have released a new 'App' which helps kids find what's on in their area over the summer holidays, If you get chance to hit like on the following link, http://t.co/zHyoPiq it's appreciated (you may need to copy and paste into a new window).  

He does a lot of different films for websites, he had done over 40 films in the first quarter of this year.  When I have Internet etc I will share more of his stuff with you but his website is www.bellyflop.tv and there's a showreel there too plus a few other films he's done.  The variety is huge.  Like I said though I will write more about that when I have Internet and can give you links, unless of course he comments below with some links... Hmm

Anyway, I guess I ought to dress and go out and face the world, until next time. Be good and take care!

M x
Sent from my iPad

Life goes on.

Mosquito's!!!

Thursday 23.58 UK time

Mosquitos!  What purpose do they serve?  Do they feature anywhere in the food chain?  If so why can't these fancy hotels home whatever critters like to eat Mosquitos? Maybe then I would stand a chance of having an evening where I am nota mobile mosquito banquet!  I am not enjoying being bitten by these pesky bugs at all.  They itch and irritate me and the lumps and bumps look horrible.  Right now I am a miserable bear!  Despite covering myself in anti mosquito spray they have bit me.  I wonder if it is an attractant not a repellant?  Grrrr! ! !

Anyway, that aside I spoke to Jon tonight on FaceTime.   It was so nice to see him, I saw my Mum and Dad too but it was lovely to just be 'there' and seeing home and familiar faces.

Well, there's nothing else to report.  Tonight I have mostly drunk water, and no, not of the tonic variety with vodka or gin just plain water!  This one is special water though, according to the label on the bottle, "enjoy the pleasant taste of BARAKA water with its essential elements and smooth texture that gives you a lively feeling all day long". Really? It's water!

Friday 15.53 UK time

Phew, another scorcher today, 40 degrees.  I am not used to this heat.  I didn't  sleep well last night, let's just say some call it Pharoh's Revenge but, I made many visits to the bathroom last night.  What with that and the mosquito bites (i have more than 15 on my left forearm and hand alone)  I didn't feel very happy this morning.  I've sat near the pool in the shade again today, I doubt I will be able to bring myself to sit out in the sun as it is simply too hot!

Not a lot of anything else going on today.  I've not been particularly thoughtful I've just enjoyed my music whilst at the poolside and am now sat in one of the hotel bars just watching the world go by so I will sign off for now.

Till tomorrow xxx M xxx

Sent from my iPad

Tuesday, arrival day, a day of thought.

Tuesday, arrival day, a day of thought.

Ooh, well seeing as I wrote earlier on the plane and it hasn't yet been published I am going to write this as an addition to my earlier post but will probably write tomorrow too.  

We have arrived in Egypt, at 8.30pm local time it was 33 degrees so VERY warm compared to Manchester.  We were driven to our hotel in a minibus, just the two of us and when we got to the hotel and to the air conditioned sanctuary of our hotel reception we were brought moist, cool towels to wipe,our brows followed by cool fruit juice, this was all before we had checked in!  It seems very luxurious and so very not me at all.  I am more comfortable and familiar with basic facilities so this is very different.

After check in the porter escorted us to our golf buggy and then drove us to our room.  He brought the bags in too.  Although I know that's his "job" I felt guilty because I am able to do things for myself and am not used to having things done for me.

After a brief nosey at the room we headed off for dinner and then to the bar where we met a lovely couple from Dublin, she gave us all the "hints and tips" for the hotel whilst he was more reserved.  I really felt Jonathan's absence this evening.  The situation was relevant to this because, with his T.V. (television) background Jon would have interviewed them and researched them fully and known a hell of a lot more about them in a very short time.  It's interesting to watch, almost like watching a craftsman creating a piece of art.  It really is a skill and it's interesting seeing it executed to perfection.

Also, now I think about it, I have been mindful of Steve too today.  On the plane I remembered how he was when the plane took off and landed, his excitement for it.  I can imagine how he would be loving this hotel, in particular the 9 pools and 7 restaurants.  It's odd.  I feel torn in many ways memories of Steve fill the spaces where there is no experience or memories made with Jon.  I mean I've never flown with Jon so I don't know how he is when he flies, I'm looking forward to finding out though.

Local time is now 1.15am so I am off for a shower then in to bed.  Goodnight.

Thursday - day 2

Well my previous post didn't get sent as I'm struggling with Internet connection.  Horror stories of £700 phone bills have meant I have turned off my Data Roaming on my phone and attempts to buy a local sim card were foiled when I realised my phone is locked to one provider.  If I jailbreak the phone then I void The warranties so I'm stuck with buying 15 or 30 minutes wifi at a time so, this will sit in my outbox until I connect later in order to chat with Jon on FaceTime.

Yesterday was a very lazy day.  After my failed attempt to connect with home via Internet etc I ended up sat at the poolside all day, with fresh drinks 'appearing' as soon as the previous one was finished.  I spent part of the afternoon sat at the pool bar writing, well typing really, whilst working my way through the cocktail list.  Piña Colada's are too sickly, Mojito's are just not me so,the winner so far is Red Sea Lion which is Gin, Vodka, Orange Juice, Lemon Juice and Grenadine.  They look like a tropical sunset and pack quite a kick.  I ended up drinking those right through to bedtime so I slept soundly last night.  

The food here is great and there are loads of staff who are very attentive.  I would love to bring Jonathan.  Right now he could do with a break and I think being here and not having to do anything or go anywhere would do him the world of good not to mention being able to switch off as with poor wifi then his work would only receive sporadic attention so he could spend more time relaxing.

Today is another lazy day.  I'm currently in the hotel bar relaxing on a large comfy sofa watching the hotel staff and other guests going about their business.  Local time is 2.30 pm.  It's another thoughtful day.

I am guessing tonight will be much the same as yesterday, dinner then to the bar.  My highlight of the day though will be my FaceTime appointment this evening.

Until next time, be good and take care.

M x

Sent from my iPad

Flying and thinking

Ooh another busy week has flown by and, as I write this I am sat on a flight to Egypt where I will 'enjoy' ridiculously hot days, (well, at least compared to Manchester), fine dining, an endless supply of booze and did I mention silly hot days?

Back to this week though. The cats are already settling in. Jonathan brought his two cats last Sunday and, despite a tense few days it seems Tigi and Marmalade are finally settling and accepting. Marmalade was the least enthused about Pop and Hugo's arrival, growling and hissing at every opportunity. Pop and Hugo are incredibly laid back and were not fussed at all, they have already made themselves at home, they have favourite places to sleep already and have acquainted themselves with the neighbours.

The cats arrival wasn't planned but it's been lovely. In many ways it's almost like completing the family. Jonathan is here so it makes sense for his cats to be too, we're like one big happy, (slightly hissy and growly) family, Jonathan and I and the four cats.

Work this week has been busy, not least because I'd taken a week off to go to London, I've been back to work to clear my email from my last absence and now I'm out if the office again!

I've had meetings and a training course this week in addition to sorting a mailer and all that on top of ironing and packing clothes, buying all the lotions and potions I will need to cope with foreign sun and insects and trying to spend quality time with Jonathan. Right now I am probably the only person on this flight who is looking forward to the flight home! I've checked out the hotel online and it does look lovely, 5* Luxury. Already though I know it will be too hot for me!

I guess it begs the question, why did I book it but the answer is I didn't! It's a long story but I am basically going with a friend taking the place of an ex partner. I reluctantly agreed to it before I met Jonathan after a huge amount of persuasion and emotional pleas. I suppose on the flip side it does give us, as in Jonathan an I, some time out to reflect on the last 10 weeks together.

It seems mad but ten weeks seems like such a short time but equally a lot has happened and my life has been turned upside down in just 10 weeks, (it's 10 weeks today since we first met at a business event). My feelings for Jonathan have taken me by surprise and him too as neither of us had been looking or a new relationship, and neither of us had been looking for love but, it seems they found us and, I for one am not not complaining. Let's see if absence really does make the heart grow fonder.

I am looking forward to going back home as I can then focus on selling our house and looking forward to the future.

I've lost my train of thought now, the pilot has announced we have another 1,500 miles to go. Children on the flight have gotten restless and do have I!

I'll write more later or tomorrow, who knows? I am just hoping that 5* Luxury means Internet and access to my world back home in less sunny Manchester!




Sent from my iPhone

Reflections

Since I wrote last there have been a few changes. Quite unexpected, I won't elaborate further at this time but these have resulted in some reflective moments for both Jonathan and I.

That all sounds quite ominous, it's not but, I've found myself wondering again when this bubble will burst. I really do feel lucky.

I've looked back at the time I have spent with Jonathan and it really seems like we have done a lot in a short period of time but on the other hand when I spend time with Jonathan it seems like we have been together for much longer. It sounds sickly sweet but I can't deny the feelings.

I've had a busy few days at work this week, this has been exacerbated by my absence last week and my imminent further absence. I would really rather not be absent but it's a commitment I cannot get out of.

It's really difficult writing a public blog like this. There are so many people to be mindful of. Perhaps I have become 'soft' and care too much about other people and their feelings? Perhaps I need to consider others less and me more? Perhaps I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve and sharing too much? Perhaps, perhaps perhaps.....

I don't have much else to say tonight, lots of reflection, happy acceptance of my current situation and optimism for the future just about sums things up.

Oh, on a different note. I decided to trim my beard and hair a few nights ago whilst Jonathan was in the bath. Beard done I trimmed the sides and back of my head. With that done I decided the top looked a little too long and decided to trim that too.

As the clippers approached my head the guard fell off the clippers and I promptly allowed the unguarded blade to glide across my head! Oops! I was left with a stripe of hair which was just about 1mm long....great! Jonathan suggested I go for a mohican so I cut another stripe in to my head. I looked like a jewellery free, white, B.A. Baracus (as in 1980's A-Team fame)!

There was nothing else for it, it all had to come off! The beard,was re-trimmed to match the length of my hair so now I just have a slightly fuzzy head. My hair wasn't long to start with, it's even less so now!

Well, that's about it for now, enjoy a giggle at my expense and I'll write soon,

Xx M xX

We're back!

That's it! All done, our trip to the Big Smoke that is! What a great few days it has been and, I can't deny having a reason to stay an extra few days was lovely. It was practical too though as it only worked out a total of £10 more to travel home today (Saturday), including additional hotel costs than it would have cost to come home the same day as the trip to the palace!


When we arrived on Wednesday we checked in to a very swanky hotel, Jonathan tried out the posh bath whilst I raided the mini bar and complimentary snacks!

We headed out on Wednesday night to meet a friend of Jonathan's and had a lovely night, dinner, drinks and then drinks and dancing, (all be it briefly) were in order! We finally got back to our hotel room very late and turned off the light as the clock changed to 3.26am! I was awake around 4 hours later to prepare for our visit to Buckingham Palace!

The visit was lovely, it was to accompany a friend as she collected her OBE. The Queen didn't do the ceremony though, this time it was HRH Princess Anne. The whole thing was very well planned and choreographed as you'd expect, they do 27 of these investitures every year with HM Queen, HRH Prince Charles and HRH Princess Anne each doing around a third each. After the ceremony we met with some more people and went for lunch.

After a late lunch we hot footed it back to our posh hotel to collect our cases and dash across London to a not quite so posh hotel. We dumped our cases, changed quickly, (within literally 5 minutes), and then dashed off to meet another friend.

We had a lovely evening, it was nice to chat and to hear some old tales etc. we ate, we drank and then we moved on to another bar and then over to Soho for a few more drinks. It was lovely to have a night out together.

On Friday we didn't have an agenda other than having a nice time and taking in a show last night. We got up at a reasonable time and after a decent breakfast we headed out. We browsed a few shops as we made our way to Leicester Square and bought tickets for "We Will Rock You". We went for lunch nearby at Wong Kei's (Wonkys) which was really good.

From there we wandered through to Trafalgar Square then back to our hotel to change for our night out. The show was brilliant, the story was OK but overall the experience was great. If you don't know already, the musical was written by Ben Elton and features songs by Queen.  At one point the song, "Only the good die young" was sung. This was never a significant song for Steve or I at all but the lyrics resonated with me:-

Only the Good die young

They're only flying too close to the sun
And life goes on - Without you...
(see the full lyrics here)

I shed a tear but then reminded myself, life does go on and I'm fortunate to have someone at my side who is here to share that life as it goes on. He makes me very happy and I'm assured I have the same affect on him. We chatted about it and Jonathan understands and accepts that sometimes there will be little things like that to remind me of Steve. He will never be forgotten and it is nice to know that Jonathan understands.

After the show, you guessed it, we headed off to the pub. After a few drinks we headed back to the hotel and had a few glasses of wine before turning in for the night. Saturday morning we had a lie in before heading off for breakfast. We had a lazy day, wandering about, stopping for a coffee and a chat and generally just enjoying being in each others company. It's no more complicated than that. Jonathan is easy to spend time with. I enjoy his quirky ways and keep noticing endearing characteristics, all of which make me smile and make me very happy.

When we got home last night it was lovely to just relax, after a bite to eat we curled up together on the sofa together, slouching in our dressing gowns. 

We've had another lie in today and it's past midday and Jonathan has only just got dressed, he's beat me to it though as I've not had a shower yet, I've spent time here sat here posting this blog, that's my excuse anyway.  I've no idea whats on the agenda for today, if I am honest I don't really care, I am just going to enjoy another day with someone special before I  go back to work tomorrow.

I hope you are having or have had a lovely weekend and I'll write soon.

xxx M xxx

I missed a bit...

I realised after I posted my blog yesterday that I had missed a whole chunk of weekend off my blog.

On Saturday I needed to pop out to deliver an eBay order.  There was a delay smit was easiest.  After that I drove for a while with no purpose.  Quite extravagant really given the price of fuel these days.  We stopped for a late breakfast then headed off to a stately home, Dunham Massey.  We didn't actually bother viewing the inside of the house we just wandered through the grounds.  It was lovely, there were ducks, deer and rabbits all around us.  

We got a posh ice cream and wandered back to the car then headed home.  Oddly we were both tired so after an afternoon snooze we relaxed for the rest of the night together.

On Sunday I decided to take Jonathan out for a few hours.  That sounds like he is an old lady in a home somewhere but basically I didn't tell him where I was taking him.  We headed off to Southport.  Not for any other reason than it is at the coast and it was a sunny day so sea air and British sunshine was the aim of the game.  

That being said, Steve and I were regularly in Southport when we had a pub there but we never visited there socially apart from attending a friends wedding one weekend.  

It was a lovely day, the sun was glorious! We walked along the pier and ate hot donuts!  The pier was very long, I don't know how long but it was a long walk.  We then went for a beer and following that decided to go for chips!  This, to those outside the UK may not seem exciting but this is TYPICAL British seaside!  Then, after that, in a sort of "double jeopardy" game we decided to go for ice cream! Fortunately we were not sick but it could have been disastrous! The picture below is of us at Southport.  If I wasn't posting from my iPad I would have linked on Wiki to tell you more about Southport but there's limited functionality so you'll have to Google it.

Sunday evening was spent chilling out.  On Monday morning we were up and out early.  We skipped breakfast and went for a long walk along the canal.  It was fresh, very sunny but not warm but this was fine.  We walked and chatted for ages, I just enjoy spending time with Jonathan.

We then headed home and had a light brunch before heading out to a friend's house for a late lunch.  It was lovely, it was a chance for Jonathan to meet more friends, properly, instead of a fleeting introduction.

After we left there we called to see some other friends before heading home before another relaxing night in.  

Yesterday we Spent most of the day out and about with Jonathan's dad.  We went for lunch with him and then pottered about a little.  The afternoon and evening was relaxed but I did manage to iron our clothes for London today.  This was after Jonathan's protest that I was preparing far to early.  It amuses me that Jonathan see's getting clothes ready and deciding what to wear as fussing whereas if he is filming then we will check and re-check every detail and that is OK.  It makes me smile.

 I can already see that our holiday prep will be "fun", I might just pack for him and tell him I've sorted it.  I'd love to be able to just go out and buy everything he needs and pack it all.  It would save a lot of stress.  I suppose it's just one of those things I find endearing about him.... for now at least!

Well right now Jon and I are en-route to London.  We got in to Manchester early so decided to go to the pub, a few drinks later and we got to the station just in time for our train.  We have reserved seats but have the misfortune to be sat next to some irritating people.  They were amusingly annoying for the first hour but as we enter the second hour they are starting to get right on my tits!  Fortunately there is only another 60 minutes of this journey left! 

Tonight we are meeting friends of Jonathan, it will be an interesting night I am sure.  Not least because his friend only learned a few days ago that Jon had split with his ex and is now with me... (a "big ginger cub" as I overheard him referring to me as - its a gay thing...)!

Well I am signing off for now but will ry and update in the next few days.

Xx M xX

Sent from my iPad

Ramblings of me....

Well it's been over a week and I've not written but I am looking back over the week and can see nothing but smiles really. Right now I am laid in bed next to Jonathan and enjoying a late start. It was a bank holiday yesterday so we have taken the rest of the week off. I was taking a few days off anyway but am pleased Jonathan is too.


Later this week we are off to London. I have a friend who received an OBE in the new years honours list so she's invited me along too to Buckingham Palace to see The Queen awarding her medal. It will be lovely to get to go in to the Palace and see The Queen and of course to see the whole ceremony. I will write more about that later this week.

Back to last week, there isn't a lot to say really, just work is, well, just work and home is good. On Wednesday Jonathan joined us and Steve's Mum for dinner in the evening. It's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but I think it is nice that Steve's Mum seems to get on well with Jonathan too.

I may of said it before but whilst I don't seek approval for my decisions from anyone I don't like the idea of my actions causing upset. We both understand how it may be difficult to see me with someone else, especially given the circumstances, and this goes for Jonathan too after such a long time with his ex but we are both mindful of that but, accept life is too short to be unhappy or to live to suit someone else's wishes so that's why we are where we are, just enjoying life and each other.

You'll recall if you read regularly that my last blog mentioned my disappointment with Facebook being unable to list me as a Widower and in a relationship. Well I haven't had a response from Facebook, not that I expected it but, it would have been nice.

Anyway, I changed my relationship status on Saturday to "In a relationship" with Jonathan. It surprised me that he did too as there are other issues for him but I was happy about it. It may not seem a big deal but it is, it's sort of publicly declaring the relationship as more than a passing fad. Now, maybe this is a difference between mature adults and teenagers but, many younger friends may change status after a second date but for me it needed to feel like more than a fling, (not that I am a 'fling' sort of guy anyway).

My change of mindset on this comes as a result of two things really. Firstly I recently posted on another widowed friends Facebook wall that "moving on doesn't mean forgetting it just means accepting", this came about as people had commented how cheery she was following the death of her husband. She has to move on, she has small children who need her love and attention but, like me, she was able to grieve for her lost future with her husband before he died. I can't explain but I hope you understand. Those who have experienced a terminal diagnosis will understand.

Secondly, I am very proud of Jonathan, he is a lovely guy and far from trying to eradicate Steve he is accepting of my situation, he never complains about anyone mentioning this guy who must seem like a hero from all the nice things people say about him. Whilst I can't deny Steve's existence and the influence he had on me I can not deny Jonathan's existence and how happy he has made me.

My relationship with Jonathan is equally as important as that with Steve but Jonathan is the present and Stephen and I can no longer be together physically so it is only right I do as I keep promising myself I will do and live for today, and, for those around me today. One of my "inspirational quotes" I have on my iPad reminds me of this and goes along the lines of, "the past is a nice place to look at but not to live in" by this I take it to mean accept and appreciate the journey you have been on. Allow it to shape your future but don't let it rule your present.

That's it I guess, that's where my blog has taken me today. I never know really when I set out where my blog will go. I just write and think with not too much thought of whether it makes sense, it's just the ramblings of me and these are just snippets of conversations I have with myself in my head.

Just thinking about other things, it's two weeks until my holiday, I still have a lot to sort, including travel insurance so these are all jobs on the mental list I have. I need to wash and pack holiday clothes but, before that I need to sort clothes for London. We are making best use of our train tickets and staying an extra two nights in London.

When I looked at the price of tickets etc the return tickets dropped in price drastically if we returned on Saturday, so much so that we were able to pay for a hotel for an extra night and return travel for just £10 more than the cost of an earlier return. It's not rocket science is it, just £10 more for an extra night away! Jonathan has been stressed and needed a break too so it's all worked out for the best. Hopefully he will return to work next week rejuvenated, inspired and fired up!

Finally, on a more sombre note this week has seen the passing of another BT Buddy, a guy with a brain tumour that Steve and I met at The Palace of Westminster when we went for the Behind The Mask exhibition in March 2011. (click here and scroll past the interviews to see Steve's mask and what he wrote about it) (Read more about his radiotherapy mask and how it was made, click here) He was a lovely lad, early 30's (like Steve) and so much to offer. It's so sad, he has left a young daughter too who will never know her Dad. I am also aware of some more BT Buddies in my wider circle too who have passed this week. It always makes me thoughtful to hear of these lives extinguished. My thoughts have been with the BTB team a lot this week, I want to help more and feel now I am in a good place I can do that more so.

Anyway that's me done, I shall email this off to myself from my iPad to my PC so I can add the pics so when I upload this later don't think I am lazy still being in bed mid afternoon, it's only 9.30am now, it's a day off work but I'm getting up, just as soon as I've had a hug and kiss from the dishy bloke beside me!

Xx M xX