Ramblings of me....

Well it's been over a week and I've not written but I am looking back over the week and can see nothing but smiles really. Right now I am laid in bed next to Jonathan and enjoying a late start. It was a bank holiday yesterday so we have taken the rest of the week off. I was taking a few days off anyway but am pleased Jonathan is too.


Later this week we are off to London. I have a friend who received an OBE in the new years honours list so she's invited me along too to Buckingham Palace to see The Queen awarding her medal. It will be lovely to get to go in to the Palace and see The Queen and of course to see the whole ceremony. I will write more about that later this week.

Back to last week, there isn't a lot to say really, just work is, well, just work and home is good. On Wednesday Jonathan joined us and Steve's Mum for dinner in the evening. It's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but I think it is nice that Steve's Mum seems to get on well with Jonathan too.

I may of said it before but whilst I don't seek approval for my decisions from anyone I don't like the idea of my actions causing upset. We both understand how it may be difficult to see me with someone else, especially given the circumstances, and this goes for Jonathan too after such a long time with his ex but we are both mindful of that but, accept life is too short to be unhappy or to live to suit someone else's wishes so that's why we are where we are, just enjoying life and each other.

You'll recall if you read regularly that my last blog mentioned my disappointment with Facebook being unable to list me as a Widower and in a relationship. Well I haven't had a response from Facebook, not that I expected it but, it would have been nice.

Anyway, I changed my relationship status on Saturday to "In a relationship" with Jonathan. It surprised me that he did too as there are other issues for him but I was happy about it. It may not seem a big deal but it is, it's sort of publicly declaring the relationship as more than a passing fad. Now, maybe this is a difference between mature adults and teenagers but, many younger friends may change status after a second date but for me it needed to feel like more than a fling, (not that I am a 'fling' sort of guy anyway).

My change of mindset on this comes as a result of two things really. Firstly I recently posted on another widowed friends Facebook wall that "moving on doesn't mean forgetting it just means accepting", this came about as people had commented how cheery she was following the death of her husband. She has to move on, she has small children who need her love and attention but, like me, she was able to grieve for her lost future with her husband before he died. I can't explain but I hope you understand. Those who have experienced a terminal diagnosis will understand.

Secondly, I am very proud of Jonathan, he is a lovely guy and far from trying to eradicate Steve he is accepting of my situation, he never complains about anyone mentioning this guy who must seem like a hero from all the nice things people say about him. Whilst I can't deny Steve's existence and the influence he had on me I can not deny Jonathan's existence and how happy he has made me.

My relationship with Jonathan is equally as important as that with Steve but Jonathan is the present and Stephen and I can no longer be together physically so it is only right I do as I keep promising myself I will do and live for today, and, for those around me today. One of my "inspirational quotes" I have on my iPad reminds me of this and goes along the lines of, "the past is a nice place to look at but not to live in" by this I take it to mean accept and appreciate the journey you have been on. Allow it to shape your future but don't let it rule your present.

That's it I guess, that's where my blog has taken me today. I never know really when I set out where my blog will go. I just write and think with not too much thought of whether it makes sense, it's just the ramblings of me and these are just snippets of conversations I have with myself in my head.

Just thinking about other things, it's two weeks until my holiday, I still have a lot to sort, including travel insurance so these are all jobs on the mental list I have. I need to wash and pack holiday clothes but, before that I need to sort clothes for London. We are making best use of our train tickets and staying an extra two nights in London.

When I looked at the price of tickets etc the return tickets dropped in price drastically if we returned on Saturday, so much so that we were able to pay for a hotel for an extra night and return travel for just £10 more than the cost of an earlier return. It's not rocket science is it, just £10 more for an extra night away! Jonathan has been stressed and needed a break too so it's all worked out for the best. Hopefully he will return to work next week rejuvenated, inspired and fired up!

Finally, on a more sombre note this week has seen the passing of another BT Buddy, a guy with a brain tumour that Steve and I met at The Palace of Westminster when we went for the Behind The Mask exhibition in March 2011. (click here and scroll past the interviews to see Steve's mask and what he wrote about it) (Read more about his radiotherapy mask and how it was made, click here) He was a lovely lad, early 30's (like Steve) and so much to offer. It's so sad, he has left a young daughter too who will never know her Dad. I am also aware of some more BT Buddies in my wider circle too who have passed this week. It always makes me thoughtful to hear of these lives extinguished. My thoughts have been with the BTB team a lot this week, I want to help more and feel now I am in a good place I can do that more so.

Anyway that's me done, I shall email this off to myself from my iPad to my PC so I can add the pics so when I upload this later don't think I am lazy still being in bed mid afternoon, it's only 9.30am now, it's a day off work but I'm getting up, just as soon as I've had a hug and kiss from the dishy bloke beside me!

Xx M xX

A busy week, dance routines and big smiles

Phew, hasn't time gone quickly. It's been a week since I posted last. It's been a great week too.


I know in my previous post I eluded to why I have been very happy of late and that happiness and smileyness has continued. and, I hope it will continue for very much longer too.

Back to last week though, on Tuesday Jonathan invited me to see Steps. I knew it would be a late night but, it seemed even later after being woken at 3am to be told my Dad was being taken to hospital with "Chest pains". He's had a heart attack before so obviously your mind thinks the worse. As it turned out it was an angina attack but still, being woken so early meant I was sapped of energy for Steps.

Before I went I would have insisted that I knew very few of their songs and knew none of their dance routines. By the end of the concert, whilst I could re-confirm I knew none of the dance routines, I knew all of their songs, well at very least all of those they sung in concert.

It was a lovely night and it was fun to see that Jonathan knew all of the routines as well as the words. I watched in near amazement of every perfectly choreographed move and gesture, as I said though it was also fun to see. In part because his energy and enthusiasm was extremely contagious!

My week seemed to be taking a turn for the worse on Wednesday when I received a call from home saying there was water leaking in through the bedroom ceiling so off I went to sort that too. On Thursday I was up and out early for a breakfast meeting, it started at 7.15 which is really not when I function best, I prefer evenings. I had a full day though of meetings and things to sort for work but, fingers crossed, they will all fall in to place later today ready for an event I am working on tomorrow and Wednesday.

Friday was a long day at work, fighting tiredness from the week I struggled to get through the day, so much so that when I got home I dozed off whilst watching the news. After J arrived home we decided to go out and have a few drinks. We headed off into town and had a lovely time. There was no agenda, no plans to meet up with anyone but, we managed to bump into some friends and ended up being out until the early hours of Saturday morning. It was nice not to have an agenda.

Following a late start on Saturday it was nice to see some more friends and then head out for dinner and a browse around the shops before a relaxing night in. I think that has been something we have both enjoyed over recent weeks. The chance to relax with no agenda or timescale to work to.

On Sunday we had another lazy morning but then called to visit family, and friends before heading into Manchester to attend a party. Steve's Mum got to meet Jonathan along with a few other friends too, so again it was just nice to be able to spend time together with no agenda. We ended up snuggling on the sofa again last night with a bottle of wine and a film before a reasonable early night. I was up for 5.30 this morning so it wasn't a late night.

I think, in part, that’s what has been nice about the past few weeks, the chance to sit, relax and do very little other than being happy in the company of someone that makes you smile. It sounds sickly sweet, I suppose it is, but it's still been nice. We've made each other happy and I hope it continues for a very long time to come. There are still a lot of things to sort for us both but those will sort themselves out in time, for now we're just enjoying life.

Well, that’s about all my news for now, I'm off to sort a few more things before I dash off to collect some things from a supplier for work so I will write soon, I hope you've had or are having a lovely day wherever you are and whatever you're up to.

Xx M xX

A bad decision or a way to de-stress?

I really don't know if it was a bad decision or not.  I didn't plan to do it and I suppose even though I knew it was there and what was in it but I just did it anyway. I suppose maybe my sub conscious needed it.

I was thoughtful on Sunday morning.  I realised I needed to earn more.  This isn't through want but necessity.  As a rise at work is highly unlikely, the chances of a lottery win remote and there are no reserves to draw on then I need to work more. Life back on the road working the cabaret circuit again is not really an option, my costumes have gone and, whilst I am fortunate enough to have the skills and tools to make more I really don't want to.   I'm not sure what I'll look for but I need a part time evening and/or weekend job.  

Following on from that train of though I busied myself ironing and sorting and photographing stuff for eBay.  This, between doing chores such as sorting the washing.

It was then it caught my attention.  Steve's memory box.  It wasn't his per se but it is full of his stuff that I've put together in a nice red leather trunk since he died.  That is what I was wondering about in my opening paragraph.  

I sat on the bed and opened it.  I started to read cards he'd received when he was first admitted to hospital, that's 18 months ago now.  So many get well wishes.  Then the tears started and I couldn't stop them and, I couldn't stop reading either.   I didn't read them all, I got side tracked with photographs, photos of Steve as a child, with his Mum, his Granny, his Dad and Brother too.

I'm sure they are lovely memories for them of Steve but for me I just see the smiles and wonder what it's all about, life that is.  The smiles give no indication of the future how cruel it can be.  It's tough and there are a lot of questions.  Some people find answers in religion and others have different reasoning.  I don't need answers though but yet I still wonder why.

The picture is Steve and his Aunt.  She passed away on New Years Eve 2009 with Cancer.  Stephens Uncle was also claimed by Cancer a few months before he was born and then My Steve too.  Why do bad things happen to nice people?  Obviously I'd be biased toward Steve but his Aunt was lovely too, so warm and friendly and a real lady.  Obviously I never met his Uncle but I have no reason to suppose he was any different.  There is no answer though, these are just things that make me think.

 

After I'd shed a few tears I got on with what I needed to do and I sort of felt better. A lot less worried with a better outlook really.  I was still emotional and thoughtful but it made me realise that despite my positivity and polished facade sometimes things do still get to me.  Perhaps my guilty feelings about Mothers Day and thinking about other peoples losses was what did it.  For the most part I can hide from my own feelings but am often moved by other peoples journeys.  Still, I suppose it did me good to have a reality check.

 

Today has been a busy day, there's lots happening at work so I've been concentrating hard on the work I've been doing for most of the day.  I've enjoyed it, oddly.  Yes, I suppose deep down I am one of those people who says they would still work even if they won millions on the lottery.  I may do a different job or work in a different way but I'd struggle to do nothing for a sustained period of time.

 

Anyway, it's time for bed, reasonably early for me too.  I must be getting old!  Oh, and before I sign off please share my blog, if you got here via Facebook or Twitter please Share or Tweet.

 

Thank you and Bye for now,

M

 

 

 

 

 

  

No More Denial and One Less Facebook Friend

Well, it may not be the end but it is the end of a chapter in my life and, now as we live in a world where social media rules then today has seen the end of a small part of that world too. What am I babbling about? Stephen of course.


If you are a Facebook friend of Stephen’s you may have noticed that his profile was turned into a “memorialised” state a few weeks ago. Basically, facebook have a state they can put your account in where access is denied. I had Steve’s password etc as he’d wanted his story to go on. Oh and just for clarity I am talking about his Enid Whiplash profile as he hasn’t used the profile with his real name for years. Steve loved interacting with his friends and, in this, the last picture taken of Steve just a few weeks before he died, he is actually sat with his laptop open, he would have been either writing his blog, (this blog) or meddling on facebook. It makes it even more sad that we are where we are with facebook right now.

Anyway, whilst in this memorialised state friends can post on the wall but cant invite you to events etc but, anything can be posted on the wall. The idea is that friends can post their messages of remembrance but, as Steve and I used our facebook profiles for “work” as our alter ego’s many of the “friends” there only knew the character and not the person behind the character. If you have a facebook account you will know that sometimes your wall ends up covered in all sorts of nonsense from “friends” and Steve’s was no exception. I could however until recently remove the spam posts and leave the genuine messages from friends

Bing in this altered state and not being able to remove spam messages which could have come from any of the almost 4,000 friends on there was a concern for me, I guess in part the lack of control. I mentioned it to Steve’s parents when the account changed state and they said the same, it would be more upsetting to see inappropriate posts which cannot be removed than to not have the profile there so, I reluctantly took the only action I could and asked for it to be removed.

That’s it, it’s happened today. He’s gone. One less friend on facebook but, more upsetting for me this means my profile has gone from listing me as married to nothing. Steve’s removal meant I had no marital status. For the first time I have had to list myself as Widowed, publicly. I’ve not had to of course but I would rather that than nothing, than trying to deny I have a history. It was really evocative, just another step on the route to realising he’s never coming back and I have to move forward.

In many ways I am pleased this has come this week. It’s been a good week, if you read my post earlier this week you would have seen I’ve been in a good place these past few days. I’ve been able to take this change on the chin as it were, who knows what I would have been like if the change had happened at the end of a week of downers.


I feel numb about it now though. I guess I may reflect a little more in the coming weeks as I get used to seeing that word and not seeing Steve listed as “in a relationship with”. It’s probably for the best though that I do feel numb because I am extremely pissed about someone REPORTING Steve as deceased. Facebook may have a wide reach but it can’t tell if you’re alive or not, they rely on people informing them. I have a pretty good idea of who has instigated this. Of course I can’t prove it though and, the fact is Stephen is deceased.

This doesn’t make it easier. Without sounding too bitter I just want to say how I believe in Karma. One day they will realise how it feels. They may not realise or recognise it as Karma but, I smile at the thought that someone or something somewhere will ensure that every little bit of pain and upset they have caused me, the rest of Stephens family and his true friends, will be brought right back to them. I have nothing but contempt for the spiteful bastards.


Well, that’s my rant over for tonight, tomorrow I still have a jaunt planned so I’ll no doubt write about that over the weekend.


Love to you all,


M x

A Happy Happy Smiley Me

Well I know it's unusual for me to write a midweek blog at the moment but right now I'm in a happy happy place and I just wanted to share that with you all.


It's been a busy week already with following up on my event from last week and a whole host of other things but early this week I thought I had this coming weekend planned and sorted but, as often is the case these plans have changed but, I'm not upset about it, I've just made different plans.

I found out yesterday that a friend has returned from what seems like a very long holiday, we don’t see each other often but, long story short, we arranged to go out tonight, nowhere posh just Ikea but it was a chance to go for a blast in the car, to chat and to just get out in the evening for a change. The evenings are getting lighter and the mornings brighter so it really feels like spring is on its way. On the way home we called into a bar in town and had a chat over a few drinks. It was lovely to sit and chat, we don’t do it often enough and we both enjoyed it. I’m already looking forward to the next time.

This weekend I'm now meeting up with another friend whom I've not seen for quite a long time but she was a friend of Steve's from many years ago and is a great laugh. We're going in search of real ale, we will do some window shopping and perhaps a shorty countryside walk too but I'm not denying that the ale is the real reason for the outing. I've not been out boozing in a daytime like that for around four years so it'll be good. I'm so excited at the thought though, it feels naughty but, I'm an adult and I can so I am!

On Sunday I've been invited out to lunch and that too will be at a pub but I'll not be drinking. I'm hoping it will be a nice day as we've planned on going for a walk in the countryside too.

All that means that I have a full week ahead. I've just noticed too that tomorrow, March 1st, is St Davids Day which is the Welsh national day. I remember from school that it meant dressing in traditional costumes and having a half day off from school. I wont we getting a half day off work tomorrow though and I wont be wearing traditional dress.

Finally, I noticed a few days ago that a lady in a forum I belong to, (it's a forum for the bereaved so this lady was a Widow), but the lady was commenting about some odd goings on at home where her iPod started to play random music but, all the tracks were sentimental to her and her late Husband. She saw this as a sign from her Hubby that it's OK to move on a little and claim back some of her life for herself.

I wondered whether I will get such signs or if I have and have just not noticed so I think this has been in my mind. Last night when I went to bed I docked my iPhone as usual and the music started up, this isn't unusual but I skipped through a few songs as they all seemed to be "Steve Songs" in that they were songs he would perform, or favourites of his, (but not of mine) so I just skipped on to something I wanted to listen to which, at the moment is generally the Wicked soundtrack.

This morning I got in the car and the first track on the radio was "It's my life" by Talk Talk now I don't know if it significant but an Ex used to refer to me as Talk Talk many years ago, Steve knew this and said it was accurate. Now was that song really a message from Steve saying I should be claiming back my life? I decided many weeks ago I should be living my life fully in honour of Steve as he cannot. Just because Cancer took his life I shouldn’t let it take mine too. Lately I have thought a lot of this, I have felt guilty that I am living my life but also like I have to for Steve. It’s difficult but, was it really a sign? Who knows?

I don't know the answer to my question but I do know I believe in fate, things happen for a reason, Steve believed this too. For weeks I have listened to CD’s on the way to work but today the radio was on in the car. Fate or coincidence? Who knows? Maybe it was a sign, maybe fate determined I should read the forum entry so the signs made sense to me, maybe fate decided I would listen to the radio today. The truth is there are signs all around us that we take for granted, signs of a brighter future, of hope and of the tomorrow we want.

Think of the Daffodils budding at the moment, we know inside the dismal bud there is a bright yellow flower just as we know beyond these patchy days there are days of bright sunshine ahead and they will come, we know they will because they always do.

Think of the snowdrops, so pure and white and delicate. They bring promises and hope of a better tomorrow. From the bleakest winter they have forced through the hardened ground and offer their delicate bloom for all to see, just a promise of the flowers and blooms that will come to us in the summer. Perhaps that's where I’ve been. Perhaps Steve’s passing and the months immediately afterwards were my winter. Cold, dark, bleak and dismal but now, as I force myself to live I am seeing my life as a snowdrop, new and fresh and just the start of a brighter future which holds all sorts of things, bright days just like the Daffodils will bring. Perhaps. Again, I don’t know this but it makes sense. Hope is all around us we just need to open our eyes to see it.

Goodnight to you, I hope you sleep well, I know I will as writing this has made me think and I realise, life is coming good again, I am happy and am happy to be happy, Why my life is like this still makes me sad (ie losing Steve), but I cant change that so I am happy for my family, for my friends and for the hope I have for the future. I am happy to smile for Steve and for myself.

Until next time xxx

New Year and beyond

Looking back new year seems to have been a long time ago.  I was so worried about it but, in the end it worked out OK.  My parents spent most of the day out and about so I was left to my own devices.  I busied myself during the day and then after a shower decided to go out for a wander.

I wanted to buy some Issey Miyake aftershave for myself.  It was a favourite of Steve and I, I wore it before Steve met me but he liked it and we wore it on our wedding day and the funeral director made sure Steve had a "squirt" once he was ready for his final performance.  It's odd but smell evokes so many memories.

I recently re read Steve's blog from last Christmas and he mentions the same then.  I bought him a fragrance which reminded me of when we first met and he bought me more of the fragrance I was wearing when we met.  Happy memories refreshed by just slight hint of fragrance.

Anyway, long story short it wasn't in the sales so I didn't bother.  I can buy it at full price anytime to I will wait a little.  I wandered through the shopping centre and didn't buy a thing.  I've lost the desire to shop, there's not a lot I need and nothing I need urgently.

I got home and relaxed with a nice cup of Earl Grey tea and then, as darkness had fallen, I wrote my letter to Stephen on a Chinese balloon lantern and then lit it and watched it float off into the night.  I was tearful but, felt so much better for doing that.

I opened a bottle of wine but, failed to drink more than two glasses.  I saw the new year in with a cup of Earl Grey.  I watched the fireworks at London on the TV and felt the "BOOM" a lot closer to home as our neighbours set off a load of fireworks.

On new years day I relaxed.  No agenda, just a whole lot of not very much and that was the same until I returned to work on 3rd January.  it was good to be back to work.  Not because I like it there but because I was just pleased to be back to normal. 

The decorations came down shortly afterwards and things have got back to how they were before.  The numbness has returned and life is as normal (or abnormal) as it was before.

I've had a bit of a thoughtful day today.  I read today about another young man who has lost his battle against a GBM, he leaves behind a wife and two children under three years old.  This disease really doesn't discriminate about age etc and doesn't care how many lives it affects it just does it's thing.

I really feel for anyone facing the diagnosis of a GBM and the more I learn about them the more I feel this.

On a different note, I learnt at New year that a dear friend of mine has been awarded an OBE in the Queen's new Year honours list, she is now Melanie Bryan OBE, read more about her here: http://www.melaniebryan.moonfruit.com/

Apart from that I don't have a lot of news, I do have a document to upload to Stephens website, http://troubleonline.co.uk/ but will do that in the next few days and write some more.  I am sure there was more I needed to write and my thoughts have been more complex than I have mentioned but right now I am in a lighter mood so I won't dwell on that for now.

I'll write soon,

xx Mark xx

Tea.

Yes it's an odd one isn't it.  Lately, I'd say over the past 4 or 5 weeks or so I have been drinking a lot more Tea, (I have been drinking a lot more wine too but that's another story).  Right now though I have a large mug of tea at hand.

I've taken to making myself a cuppa before bed and taking it with me to bed.  by the time I settle it's at just the right temperature.  This may not seem odd for anyone else but it does for me and it brings back memories too.  Happy memories.

As you know Steve and I worked most weekends in addition to our day jobs as cabaret artiste's, Drag Queens to be precise.

Many weekends we'd not return home until after 3am sometimes it would be approaching 6am depending how far away the gig was.  It started as a joke between us when people said, "Oooh I bet you can't wait to finish work so you can go and party too..." we would always say how we were looking forward to finishing, going home and having a nice cup of tea and a slice of toast before bed.

It sort of became a ritual for us.  We'd go to our dressing room and take our costumes / makeup or both off then I'd get in to the shower whilst Steve filled the kettle, fetched our bathrobes and got the cups ready etc.  by the time he had done that, (and fed the cats usually), then I'd be out of the shower.  As I dried myself he'd be undressing and getting in the shower so, by the time I had got in to my robe and finished making the tea and toast Steve would be out of the shower too and ready to sit down with me for a well earned cuppa!

We'd spend a while sitting and chatting and reflecting on the night.  Critiquing our own performances or bitching about whoever or whatever had annoyed us that night or sharing the laughs we'd had through the night.

I miss that.  I miss the performing too but with Steve it was all so easy.  We worked well as a couple on and off stage.  We formed a real partnership and I could always rely on him to be there for me, being supportive, helping and contributing in all ways.  From helping prep food for dinner through to helping change the duvet or even the more mundane things like helping tidy up, choose presents or any other jobs that may need doing at any time.  I have to do those alone now.  I am realising more and more I cannot achieve on my own what Steve and I would achieve together.

Tonight I haven't stopped.  Sitting to write this is the first rest I have had.  I needed to sort through my bureau and sort through another cupboard this evening so, as soon as I got in I started packing up my craft stuff and sorting through a huge pile of paperwork. 

It's both therapeutic and difficult.  Obviously there is still a lot of Steve's stuff in there so I have had to sort that too.  Some stuff to go to his memory box, some stuff to go with all the documents or papers I have generated or needed or had to deal with since his death and of course some things which just needed to be destroyed.

I wanted to do so much more with my evening tonight, I wanted to catch up with a friend and hear all about her new car and also speak to another whose call I missed yesterday plus a whole list of other things too but as usual I didn't get through everything on my list.

I'm tired now and have a long day ahead tomorrow so my bed is calling me, (which reminds me I wanted to put fresh linen on the bed tonight too).  Oh dear...  Perhaps I will do it tomorrow... time permitting.

Till then, goodnight,

Mark x

Significantly different

That’s how things are right now. It’s been quite a week since I wrote last. A long and difficult week. I would say it’s possibly been one of the most difficult weeks of recent months and I don’t understand why. I’ve had a few worries, not much more than usual though.



It hasn’t been a particularly busy week, I have kept busy but under my own initiative in the main not under the direction or request of others. I am starting to become aware though of this building stress within me, I am not sure if keeping busy is helping distract me from the thing that’s bothering me or if it’s adding to it. I appreciate being busy though as I can absorb myself in the task at hand instead of sitting and reflecting, perhaps that’s what’s making the blog difficult, having to reflect, all be it for a short time. I am forcing myself to think about things. I still recognise it’s helpful though to me and to others too and re-reading Stephen’s blog of this time last year reminds me of that.



Reading Steve’s blog of November 21st Last year I came across the following paragraph:

I have thought about Mark and what he will do when am not here - we often


laugh that it will be me getting phone calls from the police station saying


that they have picked him up in Tesco shoplifting etc wearing a big Floppy


Hay at the age of 70 - that's our plan you see - he goes slightly erratic


and I go sort him out when were older. Obviously this plan has now changed a


little bit, and I'm doing erratic and odd things and he sorts me out.

It got to me. Yes, I used to enjoy being slightly eccentric, adopting a fun a jovial outlook on life and trivialising things to make them more palatable. All of that has gone. I recognise that person but I have not seen him for a long time.



Back to the present. On Friday, after a trip to Liverpool with a friend I called in to The Trafford Centre to have a wander through the shops, More than anything it was just time out, wandering around aimlessly I wandered from one end to the other. I got to John Lewis and as I walked through the homewares department I saw a cushion on a bed in a display. It was very simple, Grey and Red and had a ‘patch’ embroidered on it which said “You & Me”. It was lovely. I approached the display to take a closer look and then it hit me. There is no “You” in my bed, there is just a “Me”. I fought back the tears, just as I am trying to do now.



Such a beautiful gift and nobody to share it with. As I walked the very long walk to where my car was parked I seemed to pass an endless number of couples, Gay couples, Lesbian couples, some clearly mature relationships and some clearly new but seeing each one gave me a punch in the gut, making me remember loud and clear what I have lost. I know our family and friends have lost too but life for them is as normal. I am the one waking up alone every morning and getting in to a cold and empty bed at night, as I know many others do but every morning I wake alone serves to remind me and, every night I slip in to a cold bed does the same.



Friday was difficult



On Saturday I spent the whole day busying myself. I started wrapping Christmas presents. On finishing the first the person for whom the gift was intended sent me a SMS message. As I completed wrapping the second the recipients arrived at the door. It was an odd coincidence and I can’t help but think Steve had some sort of influence there. The third, fourth and so on did not generate any SMS or visits etc, perhaps for the best and I continued to busy myself being creative and wrapping presents.



On Sunday I did the same again, more wrapping and more creativity. Some gifts have been parcelled up to be sent abroad, they will go to the post office this week.



Well today has seen the start of a new week. I have a busy week this week at work but a few things to look forward to throughout the week. Most importantly though I’m looking forward to the weekend. Time is whizzing by lately. Christmas is looming, beyond that there’s New Year. That’s a whole other blog entry so for now..... Goodnight and thank you for being so patient.

Sew busy...

Well that's my blog summed up in two words.

Yesterday, well apart from a busy day at work I spent the evening, (or a large part of it) on the phone to a few friends and knitting.... I have got a little further but LOADS to do.

This morning I got up at around 9am and sorted a little washing etc.  I received a call from someone re Steve's estate, that sort of put me on a back foot this morning as I didn't expect to have to explain (again) to someone why Steve is not responding to email etc.  The blunt, "He's Dead" approach seems to get the point across quite succinctly.  It hurts.  I miss him.  I more than miss him but I don't know what word describes how much I miss him...

Anyway, after that I got dressed and then started sorting my stuff out for a day of crafty shizzle.  I started around 10.30 this morning and didn't stop meddling until around 10.30 this evening!  I got quite a bit done but I can't post a pic as they are mainly gifts...  =( but, hopefully there will be a few happy people when Christmas arrives in 42 days time!!!

I am not sure what I will do tomorrow, I had planned, (in my mind), to go and see some friends today but I didn't get to as I got absorbed with stitching.  I am quite eager to do some more stitching tomorrow but it will depend on what time I get up and I would still like to see friends but I really need to get the Chrimbo shizzle sorted..... hmmm lets wait and see what the morning brings.

Well it's bedtime here so I will catch y'all soon.

xxx M xxx

Me Me Me, Busy Busy Busy and Chrimbo is coming...

Phew, I can't believe it's been a week but at the same time I have done SOOO much i can't believe it is only a week.

Firstly and most importantly, I have re-read Steve's blog from this week last year, it's made me smile, just hearing his voice in his blog really is comforting.  It wasn't a great time for him but theres no self pity.  Amazing really.  Despite his terminal diagnosis he never whinged.  Thats something the "friend" who has been trying to cause me stress this week would do well to remember. A few people know to whom I am referring and those that don't really don't need to worry.  Just join me in smiling when you think of how Stephen never stopped smiling and never lost his sense of humour.

Since last week I have been SO busy.  It's good I guess.  On Friday a friend came to visit, it was great to see him.  He seems quite well although I was a little concerned for him healthwise but I'm sure he is adult enough to take care of himself.  We didn't get to chat for long but hopefully we can meet up for dinner or coffee soon.  We have never been "high maintenance" friends, we just catch up as and when we can and it's great.  He was also my "wingman" after Steve died whilst I arranged the funeral etc, in part my level head.  Something Steve had always been.  I will always be grateful for that.

On Saturday I was up early, I went for a walk along the canal for a few hours with the camera and really enjoyed the fresh air,the photos and seeing how different life is on the canal on a Saturday morning, SO much different to being in the city centre.  It was real ME time and I enjoyed it.

Afterwards I did some shopping then ended up in for the evening with friends andthe X Factor.  Whilst watching, chatting and drinking wine I also spent time being creative and making bracelets

On Sunday I spent the morning busy online then late morning and early afternoon busy cooking.  I made some beautiful carrot soup with roast peppers and onions, it was lovely.  I also busied myself making a roast dinner too.  All very nice even if I do say so myself.  In the afternoon I popped in to Manchester to collect another friend from the train station who was staying for a few days, strangely i managed to get lost near the train station.... I was avoiding parking charges by driving around the block but took a few wrong turnings.   It turned out OK in the end though.

On Monday T and I had to go to Liverpool and that turned out good too.  We also called in to lay flowers at the grave of another member of our Brain Tumour community.  It was sad. I felt Steve with us a lot on Monday, on the way to Liverpool the John Miles song, "Music was my first love" came on the radio.  It was a song played at Steves funeral.  On the way to the cemetary the Take That song "eight letters" came on the radio, the song mentions, eight letters, three words, one meaning..... Steve and I always used to say 831 and the response was always 8312.... think about it, eight letters, three words one meaning.... I LOVE YOU.  The first time I heard the song it took me by surprise and made me tearful, not so much now but it does make me mindful of him.  Our 831 came long before the Take That song.

On Tuesday I got up at a reasonable time and decided to fit the "shiny bits" I have bought for my car.  Stainless steel grilles for the lower openings in the front bumper, a stainless steel 'rotary accent' for the front of the car, chromed side vents, fender strakes and colour coded repeater lights for the side of the car.  Quite a list really.

It meant I had to remove the front bumper of the car, lots of nuts and bolts etc.  Ihere was much concern from my facebook family. A gay doing mechanical type stuff.  A drag queen getting their hands dirty?  Yep, I really didn't conform to type.

The bumper had to be removed along with fog lights etc

there were quite a few bits to add and remove and lots of screws to remember the location of

but with grilles, and accent added I replaced the bumper

and added chrome vents and coded fender strakes to the wing.

I guess now I should "fess up" that I am actually a time served mechanical engineer.  A four year apprenticeship with the ministry of defence and time spent "in industry" come in handy occasionally.  Not the sort of background you expect for a gay and certainly not for a drag queen.

So, if we add in the other things I have worked on this week..... last night I decided to "trim" the heart decorations I have ready for my christmas tree this year.  You will recall I have stuck toa hearts theme but am adding in some tartan.  this was last nights activity.  I've done about 3 dozen so far and have almost as many more to do.

I am enjoying being creative, both for my own Christmas and for others.  Last year Steve and I decided to make some handmade christmas gifts, some were lucky enough to get them.  Early this year Steve decided he wanted to make gifts again this year, not all gifts but just some and really so that the gifts were truly personal, created and given with that specific person in mind.  I am of course planning on fulfilling his wishes but, with just me on the production line the pressure is on to meet the deadline.  Pah, sleep is for losers anyway!

On top of all that some of you may recall Steve and I visited some friends in Norfolk in February this year.  Whilst there Steve bought some wool he liked.  He had seen some sweaters he liked and, instead of him buying one, his Mum said she'd like to knit one for him, he just needed to provided the wool and pattern.  It's surprising how costly it is to go retro and home made but he liked the idea of having something unique.

Long story short, as you guessed, he didn't get his sweater, (who needs a sweater in the summer?  Remember he passed in June).  Now I am on a mission to make sure the wool he chose is being put to good use.  With my plan to fulfil his dream and go and live aboard a narrowboat I anticipate the evenings can or will be chilly.  The wool will be used to knit a throw for the sofa or bed when I am on the boat.  There's no better time to start than the present so, afteran hour of knitting, tonight I can say I have made a start.

So, if I re-cap on the "crafty projects" I have ongoing at the moment I have, sewing, knitting, jewellery making, photography, customising chrimbo decs, re-upholstering chairs, upcycling my favourite items of Steve's clothing, website creation & development and "pimping my ride" to name but a few which add on to the usual things we do such as working, cooking, eating, shopping, socialising, reading, relaxing oh and occasionally sleeping and visiting family and friends. 

I don't like to think of myself as a "jack of all trades" as I don't like the second line of that saying but I do like to think of myself as living life to the fullest because I really think I would struggle to fit much more in to my life.  I hope Steve is pleased, he inspires me to continue despite any other issues I may have to deal with emotianally, physically or mentally. I now feel I have two lives to live.  His and mine.  I miss him dearly but thinking of him and having those little reminders of him at the most unexpected times really do lift my spirits and make me smile.

Thanks you Steve and thanks to you too for reading xxx

Mark xxx

Breast and testicles are all over the place

It made me smile, it was a comment in Steve's post on this day last year, click here but he is right and nothing has changed.  The figure equates to less than 1%, if you want more info drop me a line or contact  BT Buddies.

Last night as I said I went to bed early and as usual didn't sleep, I watched a film instead, P.S. I Love You which I had downloaded to my iPad.  Well, I managed to get to 13 minutes before the tears came.  they stayed till the end.  I almost flooded my bed!  I am not best placed to say whether it was a good, bad or indifferent film but it touched me.  that's all I will say.  If you have seen it you will understand,if not then reading the synopsis will probably explain. 

Odd as it may seem I felt better for having my meltdown.  I still miss Steve so much and sometimes I just want to be able to grieve for him not cover up my feelings to spare those of others. If one of my tears was enough to bring Steve back for just one second then I know last night alone would have seen him back for a hundred years or more. 

Today has been an OK day.  Work was brief this morning as I had a Doctors appointment.  Nothing too sinister, (for now) just problems with my hands, a course of anti inflammatory though should help and if not I am to go back.  On the plus side it seemed to be nothing major which warrants further investigation or tests... yet.

After that it was back to work.  Another tough day, it's difficult to stay upbeat about it.  I got a lot done though and managed to clear a lot of mail from my inbox so I was pleased with that as I am out of the office after tomorrow until Thursday next week.

Tonight I logged on to the PC as soon as I got in, I had a few things to sort but before I knew it I had a few phone calls with friends catching up, emails, text and facebook messages.  All good stuff.  I have a few calls to return though, messages on my phone from a few days ago have not been returned yet, I know I am failing miserably in the "keep in touch" department but I don't seem to have a minute lately but tonight, although busy, has been good and I have enjoyed it.  I realise soon I need to start making a move to get out more and socialise. Soon though, not now.

Watching that film last night has reminded me of the need to get out and see people or just have people around.  I do want that but sometimes I am just not very good company.   I saw this a few days ago and I think it's spot on...

I have no idea why it is on it's side, I have amended it to be the right way up but it clearly didn't work so it's tilt your head time... sorry.

Another I saw which I also thought was spot on is this:

Again, it struck a chord with me.  On a closing note though all I have to say is thanks again to all my friends for being there, your texts, messages, emails and cards etc which are still arriving are very much appreciated and if you are waiting a call or a visit from me please keep being as patient as you have, I have not forgot but I there is only one of me now to do all the keeping in touch we both used to do.  I have not forgotten you and I know you're all out there.

xxx Love to you all xxx

M x

Love to you all





Second Attempt...

Here goes with another attempt at trying to update my blog from last week, after my short blog last night I am sure you can see my frustration with technology.



Anyway, after I wrote my blog on our anniversary I went to bed, there I cried myself to sleep, I seemed to be crying for hours. I felt alone and lonely, sad the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with has gone. When we said “till death us do part” I had never realised it would come so soon after.


Saturday 15th was pretty uneventful. On Sunday 16th I was supposed to be going out with a friend, a little like the Three Kings he travelled from afar but not with Gold Frankincense and Myrrh but with White wine, Red wine and Mirth. Also, more like a Queen than a King but you get my drift. We were supposed to go and see another friend’s drag show early evening. I was fine in the morning and early afternoon but then it descended on me, like a cloud of gloom, a melancholy mood which I couldn’t shrug so, not wanting to spoil other peoples fun I decided not to go and to go for a drive instead. If I am honest the drive didn’t help but it meant I was alone and not upsetting anyone else with my miserable mug.


Monday was pretty uneventful from what I remember, just work and home as usual but, on Tuesday J arrived, I cooked and we ended up sat till the wee small hours over a few bottles of wine chatting about all sorts, mainly Steve I guess but, my friend doesn’t seem to mind, he understands as he too has lost a loved one tragically way too soon.


On Wednesday it was work as usual during the day but in the evening we hit the town, well, sort of. I got home from work, freshened up and changed as did J, we then headed in to Manchester for dinner before heading off to see Peter Kay and his Tour That Didn’t Tour Show, it was fab, a real laugh and a much needed tonic. Another friend had been bought tickets and was unable to go so they kindly asked if I’d like to go, I said yes and then decided to ask my friend to come too. It was a real giggle. If I am honest I sometimes don’t get the Peter Kay brand of humour which seems to be shout louder and repeat several times but, on Wednesday I did, he was VERY funny and we both enjoyed a good old laugh. I would like to say my laughter wasn’t tempered by thoughts of Steve but it was, I missed him a lot and we spoke of him too during the interval, Steve would however have been pleased to see us out and about. It was an unexpected but very much appreciated night out and as I have already said, a real tonic.


On Thursday we had a viewing on the house so I had to come home from work early to do the show around, she seemed interested but we have heard nothing yet so will take that she has seen somewhere else preferable. Thursday and Friday were quiet apart from that. On Friday I met with a Friend and we headed out for some retail therapy and a chat, it was nice to have a wander about. On Saturday it was much the same, I met with an old friend, we spent the whole day shopping and chatting, our coffee breaks seemed to go on forever as we sat and chatted. Even though we have not seen each other for a long while it was like we saw each other last week, we had a lovely time and again, it was a real tonic to catch up with her.


Last week I also booked tickets to go on the train to see my Sister, her hubby and some friends in November. The train journey is 5 hours but the drive would be the same, the train is cheaper though and it means I can relax on the journey and arrive fresher than if I had driven. It will be nice to see my sister again as I have not seen here since Steve’s funeral, similarly the friends I will see there too, I’ve not seen them since Steve’s funeral. I am really looking forward to it and, I will be stashing a bottle of Gin in my suitcase when I go as I think a few bevies are in order. I didn’t get to see much of them around the time of the funeral so now, five months on, I think it is about time we raised a glass or several to Stephen, to friends and to the future and whatever it may hold.


Sunday was a good day, I spent it being creative and crafty, it was nice to have some me time which was also creative time.


Yesterday was work as usual and Today I left work and headed in to town to the shops, there was something I wanted but alas, the shop is no longer stocking the item, perhaps I will revert to Amazon. Oh, that’s the other thing too, lots of people have already asked me what I want for Christmas. I can’t comment on their planning as I am also well prepared for Christmas. Instead of saying “I don’t know” I have tried to start a “Wish List” on Amazon, just search my name on Amazon and it should be there somewhere, I don’t quite know how it works but I am told it does. As my birthday comes before xmas though I have already said I want to be boring and have cash for that as there is a modification I want done to the car which the money will come in very useful for and it will be the “finishing touch” to the changes I have made so far.


Well, I think I have covered everything now, before I go though I do just want to say a huge thank you to all my friends and family for all their support. Some of you have been supportive without knowing it and others by not doing much other than just being there of making their presence felt. I really do appreciate and thank all our friends, I’d like to think they know who they are.


Friends are like stars.....

You don’t have to see them to know they are there.



Love to you all,

M x

Second blog of the day. Happy Anniversary ? ? ?

Yes, this is a second blog because to add it on to my previous one just would not do it justice.

You may have guessed from the title today is anniversary.  Not a happy anniversary but memories of happier times with the one person I have loved more than anything or anyone else in the world.

I hope wherever you are Stephen that you are at peace, free from pain and worry and illness.  I love you more and more with each passing hour, the pain cuts deeper and my heart feels heavier with each passing day.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me, you made every day with you a happy one, even when we disagreed you still managed to make me smile and I have never been able to be annoyed at you for long, your smile, your cheeky look, your sparkly eyes and your tender touch could make any troubles disappear, I wish you were here to do that now.

On this day in 2006 we became one, joined in the eyes of the law, of our family and of our friends.  You said it was the happiest day of your life, a life cut short but a life which touched so many.  I've lit some candles for you and us tonight.  Not a romantic night in but I know you loved our candlelit nights in.

You've not been far from my thoughts since you passed, this week has been tough and today especially so. I keep smiling though, I don't want to but I know many find my feelings, thoughts and emotions too much to deal with, for them I smile, I spare them the discomfort and hide it from the world, not just today but every day for many weeks now.

It has been nice to come home today, back to our home.  I know we had planned to go away this weekend, just escape, the two of us, similar to how we did last year.  I remember this weekend last year, getting away to the countryside, no phone signal, an open log fire and plenty of time to talk.  Those are happy memories, not a great time because we already had a hint of what may be, but, you smiled and stayed positive and never gave up.  You loved the simple things, a walk in the bracing winds, dodging the puddles or wiping the rain from your glasses, the weather never dampened your spirits or your zest for life and I try to keep that in mind to stay happy for you.

I saw this pebble a while ago, thought of you and bought it but it has heightened meaning and sentiment today.  I have also been very thoughtful this week about hope.  you never gave up hope, it stayed with you and with us to the very end.  I am learning to hope again.  Hoping for a brighter future, hoping I can learn to live with this pain and hoping that wherever you are you are safe and at peace.
I have noticed this week that Hope is your legacy to me, it is the one thing you have shown me and taught me which will always be with me, no matter how little money I have, how dark the days are or how long the nights are, it will always be there.  I saw this "token" on my first day in Cardiff and bought it,  I am seeing the hope around me.  Hopes for life, for a future and for a new beginning and for that I thank you.

I have re read you blog (click here) tonight from this day last year.  I was so proud of you then and still am.  The sign is still in the house in the same place you decided to put it where it would cheer you up every morning and give you a spark to light the fire that kept you driving forward.  I know I will "get there" eventually, in the meantime though I am continuing your blog. You are still an inspiration to many and even within the last few weeks I have had feedback from people who have found your journey an inspiration and comfort to them, in particular your approach to your treatment. 

Once again Happy Anniversary Stephen, thank you for the good times, you will be in my heart forever.

Till we meet again, 831 Pud xxx (Click here)

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, Cry and you get wet...

Firstly here is Steve's blog entry for this day lats year, (Click Here) Sorry if you don't want to see what he wrote last year but right now there are a lot of anniversaries and I think seeing how Steve was 12 months ago really puts things into context.  Remember he was the one living with a death sentence, not me but, despite that he has given me (and may readers of his blog who messaged privately), inspiration and strength to carry on.

I am still reminded every day about the positive impact Steve has had on my life, I love him so much for that.  He has shown me happiness I never imagined but he has also introduced me to friends I may never have known, to their love which I may never have felt and has helped me realise my own strength of character which I never knew existed.

Today has been an OK sort of day.  I don't mention work much not because it is good, bad or indifferent but because they monitor and read my posts.  I know how I feel about that and I am sure each person reading will have views too but this blog is not about them or where I work etc it is about me, for once it is all about me.  Well, not really, Steve features greatly too.

On a personal note I have had a reasonable few days.  I have made contact with some old friends, made some new ones and generally I feel I am slowly re-constructing a life around myself.  I don't think a lottery win would make it happen sooner but the £100M Euromillions jackpot on Friday would be fab, there are so many charities I would help, I reckon I could "lose" half at least and not miss it.

Tomorrow night I may not get to blog, I am off to the theatre with Mother to see "Top Hat".  I saw it advertised some time ago, I mentioned it to a friend and we said it would be nice to go but never got around to booking.  Mother mentioned it last week so I managed to get tickets earlier this week.  Feathers, Sequins, Tailcoats and Top Hats  reminds me of Steve and I or, should I say, Enid and Bobbie....

Looking at this picture though has reminded me of another "Tailcoat and Top Hat" picture...

There aren't any better ones of the two of us in this garb but again seeing the corset reminded me of another occasion we wore the corsets

This was MANY years ago for a friend's 40th Birthday, the birthday "boy" is in the middle

There are SO many happy memories crammed in to the relatively short time we were together and each and every one makes me smile.  Today, or rather, this evening, has made me smile a lot.  Chatting to a friend this evening too has made me smile.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Steve is showing me the way, guiding me toward happier times. Thank you Steve, Thank you family, Thank you friends.

Goodnight for now xxxx Mark xxxx

The first day of the rest of his life...

Thats what this day last year was for Steve, he was determined to live his life to the fullest and that commenced on October 4th.  It was a good day for him, read his blog, (Click here)

The story that fits around this though highlights how happy he actually was on that day.  For as long as I had known Steve he had never been able to find his birth certificate.  He knew it was safe somewhere but he had no idea where, even though he had searched for it many times.

When I returned from work on 4th October 2010 Steve was VERY excited.  "I've had a sign" he said.  I had no idea what he was on about but he explained.

Whilst sorting through some papers, getting rid of the old stuff and making way for his new life he found his Birth Certificate.  It had been missing for years and there it was, amongst some old papers.  He waved his certicficate at me and was SO pleased.  It really was the first day of the rest of his life. 

He died just 9 months later.  Someone pointed out to me around the time of the funeral that it takes 9 months for a child to be born from conception, (I did go to biology lessons but some people like to remind us of the obvious), perhaps the nine months from finding his certificate was significant of a new start and a new life in a better place.  Who knows?

I know I am still missing him a huge amount, I manage to smile and function as a member of society and as a member of the workplace, functioning as a son, a brother, a friend and a colleague but, it is just that, functioning.  I'm getting used to it though.  I accept my life may never feel "whole" again.

I chatted tonight with a friend about someone we care about.  In a similar situation to me but being judged for grasping at happiness and dating.  It wasn't planned but, being judged for being human and acknowledging feelings  is wrong.  I might be in a similar position one day.  I am not looking for anyone else but I also know fate will deliver whatever it has planned for me.  I just hope in the meantime that Steve can influence the "chosen one".  Either way I am sure there will be plenty said behind my back and less said to my face.  Lets just see what happens eh.....

Goodnight for now xxx

Getting organised and trying to smile

I guess I should update on last week firstly. On Thursday as you know if you read regularly it was 12 months to the day since Steve was given his diagnosis. It was a tough day but I was kept busy so it sort of distracted me. Work was very busy and at night I went to the comedy night I mentioned some weeks ago in my blog.


It’s an annual event and Steve and I had tickets for last year, Steve didn’t go in the end as the event was the night after his surgery but he had insisted I go. It was a good night both last year and this. This year I did end up spending part of it with tears rolling down my face, just little things which reminded me of Steve again. I guess there will be more things like that to trigger me off for a long time to come.

Friday was an OK day. Work wasn’t great but, in part, it is because I am really not “with it”, my mind is obviously on other things. After work I went home but then decided to go out to the shops as I needed to get a few things. I got home around 7ish and spent most of the evening sitting and talking to my parents. I was too tired to blog and again, not really with it. I didn’t even put my computer on.

On Saturday I got up and decided to clean the car. I spent a while polishing it and then vacuumed it and made a few adjustments by changing the interior bulbs from the standard white to blue. That in itself sounds like an easy job but it was fiddly and involved me spending quite some time trying to resolve an issue and resulted in me having to take the door apart and take the inner panel off but, I was satisfied with the end result so that’s OK.

In the afternoon a friend called around so, after I had a shower we headed out to Botany Bay, a local place which is a garden centre but also has some artisan stalls, gifts and accessories etc. I bought a few Christmas decorations, I know it is early but I am being organised. I’m not going mad with decs this year but I have to still “do” Christmas as Steve would have wanted it, he loved the way I do Christmas and I loved seeing him so excited.

Saturday night I ended up getting some food and wine and taking that round to a friends house. We sat and chatted for ages and allegedly supped 4 bottles of wine. I didn’t see the empties so because I am not a boozer I would insist we only shared 1 bottle…. I wonder how many people would believe me?

On Sunday I was late getting up. No hangover I was just tired as I got home after 2am and then had to make the bed as I had stripped it on Saturday morning so I was late getting to sleep.

I chilled at home yesterday morning and then headed out to the shops later in the afternoon. I did a little Christmas shopping, it was quite nice really to be out and about and I only ended up getting a few Christmas things as I don’t need anything for myself. I even bought a prezzie for a friends birthday later this year, I’ve just realised too my Sister’s birthday is before that so I should look for something for her too, another excuse to go shopping.

Last night I sat and looked through the things I have bought already, a lot of things that I bought with Steve too as he also liked to be organised. I just hope people like them. We try hard to get thoughtful gifts but sometimes I wonder if it would just be more appreciated if we bought the same old thoughtless tat that seems to fill the shops at Christmas.

Today I have been at work. It’s been a tough day really but I have managed to stay focussed. This time last year we were living with the aftermath of telling Steve’s parents and our wider circle of friends about Steve’s diagnosis. Steve’s blog entry for last year said “Today has become my hat day”. Because he knew he would lose his hair with Chemo and Radiotherapy he decided to buy hats as he would be bald in winter. Steve accumulated a few hats at this time but he mainly wore the same few.

He had planned that Monday 4th October would be the first day of the rest of his life, more about that tomorrow but for now I’m going to sign off.

Bye for now

On this day 12 months ago...

It’s been a few days. Not all bad. Today I have felt a little numb. But, firstly to catch up on the saga of British Gas. Following my complaint submission I have still not received a response from them. Their policy states I will receive a reply within 24 hours, so far it’s three times that so tomorrow I shall be re-submitting my complaint and highlighting their inadequacies yet again.


On Tuesday evening after work I tried again to resolve my Internet and printing issues. I was really angry and highly stressed. MY Mum tried to help, she came up with all sorts of solutions, things I had thought of already but this also got me stressed, I just wanted to be able to fix it, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it and certainly didn’t want to speak to some overseas call centre who would barely understand me and whom I would struggle to understand.

Eventually I relented and called Virgin. I was relieved to find that my call was dealt with by a nice Scottish man at a centre near Glasgow. He was wonderful and managed to get on to my computer remotely when I connected the Ethernet wire and sort the problem. Basically the technology employed within the workings of the hub was newer than the drivers installed on my laptops so, both laptops could see the hub but could not communicate with it. The guy managed to update those and assured me that once installed then they would be able to connect to the printer and my wireless printing problem would be resolved too.

After I got “connected” I had to go out and sort a few things. When I got back later and finally settled it was after 10pm so I was slightly hesitant about raising my stress levels again before bed by trying to connect my printer. The wonderful Scottish man was right, it connected no problem at all, I was back in the land of the connected and I felt better knowing the problem had not been my incompetence but a software problem which I couldn’t possibly know anything about unless advised.

Yesterday evening, (Wednesday) was an OK sort of day.  Work was OK I guess but after work I had to sort out my eBay parcels and get them to the post office.  After that I called around to see a friend.  We chatted for a while and he gave me his view of where I am "at" at the moment.

It was interesting to listen to a different perspective, something which has obviously been discussed in other circles but not in a bad way.  It was interesting to see how there is a perception that some things / people / circumstances etc are hampering my ability to "heal" and make positive moves to re-construct my life.

Some of the points raised were completely valid I felt and I agreed.  I did state my reasons for allowing the circumstance / situation / issue to continue and although on one hand I know I could be selfish and only think of me but Stephens life touched so many and it is not only me dealing with his loss.  Part of the points raised I felt were not relevant and I explained why and hopefully I made sense.  It makes sense to me.  Simply put, some things which seem to be negative are in fact positive some negatives I agree are negative but I have reasons for not addressing them right now so it's a case of taking a little rough with the smooth.

On the way home I called in to the shop and bought some wine, Odd but I am sure bottles are getting smaller, only 2½ glasses from one bottle..... Really though I was being piggish, it was a 750ml bottle, my glasses are just a little too big I suppose.

After that I decided not to open a second bottle and headed for bed.  I was tired.  Then it hit me.  I can only explain it as "washing over me" much like someone throwing a bucket of water over me.  I was consumed by grief and started to cry.  No good reason, no trigger song or word or picture it was just there.  I sobbed myself to sleep last night.

I suppose if I am honest I really do know the reason.  Today, 29th September, is a year to the day that Steve was given 12 to 18 months to live.  He managed 8½.... where is the fairness in that?  To be told such news at just 31 years old.

That day was easily the worse day of my life up to then.  That was surpassed a few days later as I had to break the news to Steve's parents that their little boy may not be alive in 12 months time.  Steve's parents went away on holiday before his surgery and got back after his biopsy results it meant, in reality, that Steve had a few days to accustom himself to the news before breaking it to his parents.  We dumbed down his diagnosis and treatment regime when his Mum called.

Steve later said that through that period and beyond I was his rock.  I didn't feel it but I knew I had to be for him.  I took up the role immediately without asking or being asked and it started just after the news was broken to Steve.  He asked, "how long have I got?"  To be told "I don't think now is an appropriate time or place to ask that question..." really annoyed me.  You have just told a 31 year old man he has an aggressive and malignant brain tumour called Glioblastoma Multiforme growing in his head and then don't think he should ask about his future?  I was probably more than a little patronising in my response, tinged with anger and upset as Steve's hand was in mine and he was gripping it with all his might and I just wanted to stop it all for him and for me or for someone to jump out of a cupboard and say that it was some sort of sick joke.

She told Steve.  It was no joke.  I don't know if being told you have between 365 and 547 days to live was more of less than we anticipated but that 10 minute walk back from the hospital to home seemed to take an hour or more.  With my arms around Steve to support him and comfort him and both of us sobbing uncontrollably as we walked through a busy hospital, it's grounds, through the village and along our street we managed to get home where we sat and we cried in total disbelief.

We were unable to talk, but after some time Steve composed himself and carried on vacuuming the lounge which he had started before he left for the hospital.  We told a few people. We were careful though as we didn't want Steve's parents to find out via Facebook or from another well meaning friend or relative.

A mixed response would probably best describe how people took the news.  Much disbelief seemed to be the "theme" over the following days but with one notable exception, the text message that read, "Oh you might need a few days to get your head around that" was one such comment which felt more like a pat on the head that you would give a small child who has fallen and cut their knee.  No prior or further message of support or even concern, just that.  Hardly appropriate for a 31 year old man who has just been told he is living with a death sentence through no fault of his own and there is nothing he can do about it.

That's is why these past few days have been tough.  I have replayed those days in my head hundreds of times in the last year, the past months and in recent weeks.  It still doesn't feel real that I will never see him, feel him, hug him, smell him, touch him or kiss him ever again. 

Here is a link to Steve's post on the afternoon he was due to collect his results, Click Here and then the first proper blog entry after his diagnosis Click Here

I will write more in the next few days but right now I am knackered.  Today has been a long and busy day and this post is long enough....

Goodnight xxx
 first blog entry after