Well that's my blog summed up in two words.
Yesterday, well apart from a busy day at work I spent the evening, (or a large part of it) on the phone to a few friends and knitting.... I have got a little further but LOADS to do.
This morning I got up at around 9am and sorted a little washing etc. I received a call from someone re Steve's estate, that sort of put me on a back foot this morning as I didn't expect to have to explain (again) to someone why Steve is not responding to email etc. The blunt, "He's Dead" approach seems to get the point across quite succinctly. It hurts. I miss him. I more than miss him but I don't know what word describes how much I miss him...
Anyway, after that I got dressed and then started sorting my stuff out for a day of crafty shizzle. I started around 10.30 this morning and didn't stop meddling until around 10.30 this evening! I got quite a bit done but I can't post a pic as they are mainly gifts... =( but, hopefully there will be a few happy people when Christmas arrives in 42 days time!!!
I am not sure what I will do tomorrow, I had planned, (in my mind), to go and see some friends today but I didn't get to as I got absorbed with stitching. I am quite eager to do some more stitching tomorrow but it will depend on what time I get up and I would still like to see friends but I really need to get the Chrimbo shizzle sorted..... hmmm lets wait and see what the morning brings.
Well it's bedtime here so I will catch y'all soon.
xxx M xxx
Showing posts with label Stephen. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stephen. Show all posts
Saturday, 12 November 2011
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Second Attempt...
Here goes with another attempt at trying to update my blog from last week, after my short blog last night I am sure you can see my frustration with technology.
Anyway, after I wrote my blog on our anniversary I went to bed, there I cried myself to sleep, I seemed to be crying for hours. I felt alone and lonely, sad the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with has gone. When we said “till death us do part” I had never realised it would come so soon after.
Saturday 15th was pretty uneventful. On Sunday 16th I was supposed to be going out with a friend, a little like the Three Kings he travelled from afar but not with Gold Frankincense and Myrrh but with White wine, Red wine and Mirth. Also, more like a Queen than a King but you get my drift. We were supposed to go and see another friend’s drag show early evening. I was fine in the morning and early afternoon but then it descended on me, like a cloud of gloom, a melancholy mood which I couldn’t shrug so, not wanting to spoil other peoples fun I decided not to go and to go for a drive instead. If I am honest the drive didn’t help but it meant I was alone and not upsetting anyone else with my miserable mug.
Monday was pretty uneventful from what I remember, just work and home as usual but, on Tuesday J arrived, I cooked and we ended up sat till the wee small hours over a few bottles of wine chatting about all sorts, mainly Steve I guess but, my friend doesn’t seem to mind, he understands as he too has lost a loved one tragically way too soon.
On Wednesday it was work as usual during the day but in the evening we hit the town, well, sort of. I got home from work, freshened up and changed as did J, we then headed in to Manchester for dinner before heading off to see Peter Kay and his Tour That Didn’t Tour Show, it was fab, a real laugh and a much needed tonic. Another friend had been bought tickets and was unable to go so they kindly asked if I’d like to go, I said yes and then decided to ask my friend to come too. It was a real giggle. If I am honest I sometimes don’t get the Peter Kay brand of humour which seems to be shout louder and repeat several times but, on Wednesday I did, he was VERY funny and we both enjoyed a good old laugh. I would like to say my laughter wasn’t tempered by thoughts of Steve but it was, I missed him a lot and we spoke of him too during the interval, Steve would however have been pleased to see us out and about. It was an unexpected but very much appreciated night out and as I have already said, a real tonic.
On Thursday we had a viewing on the house so I had to come home from work early to do the show around, she seemed interested but we have heard nothing yet so will take that she has seen somewhere else preferable. Thursday and Friday were quiet apart from that. On Friday I met with a Friend and we headed out for some retail therapy and a chat, it was nice to have a wander about. On Saturday it was much the same, I met with an old friend, we spent the whole day shopping and chatting, our coffee breaks seemed to go on forever as we sat and chatted. Even though we have not seen each other for a long while it was like we saw each other last week, we had a lovely time and again, it was a real tonic to catch up with her.
Last week I also booked tickets to go on the train to see my Sister, her hubby and some friends in November. The train journey is 5 hours but the drive would be the same, the train is cheaper though and it means I can relax on the journey and arrive fresher than if I had driven. It will be nice to see my sister again as I have not seen here since Steve’s funeral, similarly the friends I will see there too, I’ve not seen them since Steve’s funeral. I am really looking forward to it and, I will be stashing a bottle of Gin in my suitcase when I go as I think a few bevies are in order. I didn’t get to see much of them around the time of the funeral so now, five months on, I think it is about time we raised a glass or several to Stephen, to friends and to the future and whatever it may hold.
Sunday was a good day, I spent it being creative and crafty, it was nice to have some me time which was also creative time.
Yesterday was work as usual and Today I left work and headed in to town to the shops, there was something I wanted but alas, the shop is no longer stocking the item, perhaps I will revert to Amazon. Oh, that’s the other thing too, lots of people have already asked me what I want for Christmas. I can’t comment on their planning as I am also well prepared for Christmas. Instead of saying “I don’t know” I have tried to start a “Wish List” on Amazon, just search my name on Amazon and it should be there somewhere, I don’t quite know how it works but I am told it does. As my birthday comes before xmas though I have already said I want to be boring and have cash for that as there is a modification I want done to the car which the money will come in very useful for and it will be the “finishing touch” to the changes I have made so far.
Well, I think I have covered everything now, before I go though I do just want to say a huge thank you to all my friends and family for all their support. Some of you have been supportive without knowing it and others by not doing much other than just being there of making their presence felt. I really do appreciate and thank all our friends, I’d like to think they know who they are.
Friends are like stars.....
You don’t have to see them to know they are there.
Love to you all,
M x
Anyway, after I wrote my blog on our anniversary I went to bed, there I cried myself to sleep, I seemed to be crying for hours. I felt alone and lonely, sad the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with has gone. When we said “till death us do part” I had never realised it would come so soon after.
Saturday 15th was pretty uneventful. On Sunday 16th I was supposed to be going out with a friend, a little like the Three Kings he travelled from afar but not with Gold Frankincense and Myrrh but with White wine, Red wine and Mirth. Also, more like a Queen than a King but you get my drift. We were supposed to go and see another friend’s drag show early evening. I was fine in the morning and early afternoon but then it descended on me, like a cloud of gloom, a melancholy mood which I couldn’t shrug so, not wanting to spoil other peoples fun I decided not to go and to go for a drive instead. If I am honest the drive didn’t help but it meant I was alone and not upsetting anyone else with my miserable mug.
Monday was pretty uneventful from what I remember, just work and home as usual but, on Tuesday J arrived, I cooked and we ended up sat till the wee small hours over a few bottles of wine chatting about all sorts, mainly Steve I guess but, my friend doesn’t seem to mind, he understands as he too has lost a loved one tragically way too soon.
On Wednesday it was work as usual during the day but in the evening we hit the town, well, sort of. I got home from work, freshened up and changed as did J, we then headed in to Manchester for dinner before heading off to see Peter Kay and his Tour That Didn’t Tour Show, it was fab, a real laugh and a much needed tonic. Another friend had been bought tickets and was unable to go so they kindly asked if I’d like to go, I said yes and then decided to ask my friend to come too. It was a real giggle. If I am honest I sometimes don’t get the Peter Kay brand of humour which seems to be shout louder and repeat several times but, on Wednesday I did, he was VERY funny and we both enjoyed a good old laugh. I would like to say my laughter wasn’t tempered by thoughts of Steve but it was, I missed him a lot and we spoke of him too during the interval, Steve would however have been pleased to see us out and about. It was an unexpected but very much appreciated night out and as I have already said, a real tonic.
On Thursday we had a viewing on the house so I had to come home from work early to do the show around, she seemed interested but we have heard nothing yet so will take that she has seen somewhere else preferable. Thursday and Friday were quiet apart from that. On Friday I met with a Friend and we headed out for some retail therapy and a chat, it was nice to have a wander about. On Saturday it was much the same, I met with an old friend, we spent the whole day shopping and chatting, our coffee breaks seemed to go on forever as we sat and chatted. Even though we have not seen each other for a long while it was like we saw each other last week, we had a lovely time and again, it was a real tonic to catch up with her.
Last week I also booked tickets to go on the train to see my Sister, her hubby and some friends in November. The train journey is 5 hours but the drive would be the same, the train is cheaper though and it means I can relax on the journey and arrive fresher than if I had driven. It will be nice to see my sister again as I have not seen here since Steve’s funeral, similarly the friends I will see there too, I’ve not seen them since Steve’s funeral. I am really looking forward to it and, I will be stashing a bottle of Gin in my suitcase when I go as I think a few bevies are in order. I didn’t get to see much of them around the time of the funeral so now, five months on, I think it is about time we raised a glass or several to Stephen, to friends and to the future and whatever it may hold.
Sunday was a good day, I spent it being creative and crafty, it was nice to have some me time which was also creative time.
Yesterday was work as usual and Today I left work and headed in to town to the shops, there was something I wanted but alas, the shop is no longer stocking the item, perhaps I will revert to Amazon. Oh, that’s the other thing too, lots of people have already asked me what I want for Christmas. I can’t comment on their planning as I am also well prepared for Christmas. Instead of saying “I don’t know” I have tried to start a “Wish List” on Amazon, just search my name on Amazon and it should be there somewhere, I don’t quite know how it works but I am told it does. As my birthday comes before xmas though I have already said I want to be boring and have cash for that as there is a modification I want done to the car which the money will come in very useful for and it will be the “finishing touch” to the changes I have made so far.
Well, I think I have covered everything now, before I go though I do just want to say a huge thank you to all my friends and family for all their support. Some of you have been supportive without knowing it and others by not doing much other than just being there of making their presence felt. I really do appreciate and thank all our friends, I’d like to think they know who they are.
Friends are like stars.....
You don’t have to see them to know they are there.
Love to you all,
M x
Friday, 14 October 2011
Second blog of the day. Happy Anniversary ? ? ?
Yes, this is a second blog because to add it on to my previous one just would not do it justice.
You may have guessed from the title today is anniversary. Not a happy anniversary but memories of happier times with the one person I have loved more than anything or anyone else in the world.
I hope wherever you are Stephen that you are at peace, free from pain and worry and illness. I love you more and more with each passing hour, the pain cuts deeper and my heart feels heavier with each passing day. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, you made every day with you a happy one, even when we disagreed you still managed to make me smile and I have never been able to be annoyed at you for long, your smile, your cheeky look, your sparkly eyes and your tender touch could make any troubles disappear, I wish you were here to do that now.
On this day in 2006 we became one, joined in the eyes of the law, of our family and of our friends. You said it was the happiest day of your life, a life cut short but a life which touched so many. I've lit some candles for you and us tonight. Not a romantic night in but I know you loved our candlelit nights in.
You've not been far from my thoughts since you passed, this week has been tough and today especially so. I keep smiling though, I don't want to but I know many find my feelings, thoughts and emotions too much to deal with, for them I smile, I spare them the discomfort and hide it from the world, not just today but every day for many weeks now.
It has been nice to come home today, back to our home. I know we had planned to go away this weekend, just escape, the two of us, similar to how we did last year. I remember this weekend last year, getting away to the countryside, no phone signal, an open log fire and plenty of time to talk. Those are happy memories, not a great time because we already had a hint of what may be, but, you smiled and stayed positive and never gave up. You loved the simple things, a walk in the bracing winds, dodging the puddles or wiping the rain from your glasses, the weather never dampened your spirits or your zest for life and I try to keep that in mind to stay happy for you.
I saw this pebble a while ago, thought of you and bought it but it has heightened meaning and sentiment today. I have also been very thoughtful this week about hope. you never gave up hope, it stayed with you and with us to the very end. I am learning to hope again. Hoping for a brighter future, hoping I can learn to live with this pain and hoping that wherever you are you are safe and at peace.
I have noticed this week that Hope is your legacy to me, it is the one thing you have shown me and taught me which will always be with me, no matter how little money I have, how dark the days are or how long the nights are, it will always be there. I saw this "token" on my first day in Cardiff and bought it, I am seeing the hope around me. Hopes for life, for a future and for a new beginning and for that I thank you.
I have re read you blog (click here) tonight from this day last year. I was so proud of you then and still am. The sign is still in the house in the same place you decided to put it where it would cheer you up every morning and give you a spark to light the fire that kept you driving forward. I know I will "get there" eventually, in the meantime though I am continuing your blog. You are still an inspiration to many and even within the last few weeks I have had feedback from people who have found your journey an inspiration and comfort to them, in particular your approach to your treatment.
Once again Happy Anniversary Stephen, thank you for the good times, you will be in my heart forever.
Till we meet again, 831 Pud xxx (Click here)
You may have guessed from the title today is anniversary. Not a happy anniversary but memories of happier times with the one person I have loved more than anything or anyone else in the world.
I hope wherever you are Stephen that you are at peace, free from pain and worry and illness. I love you more and more with each passing hour, the pain cuts deeper and my heart feels heavier with each passing day. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, you made every day with you a happy one, even when we disagreed you still managed to make me smile and I have never been able to be annoyed at you for long, your smile, your cheeky look, your sparkly eyes and your tender touch could make any troubles disappear, I wish you were here to do that now.
On this day in 2006 we became one, joined in the eyes of the law, of our family and of our friends. You said it was the happiest day of your life, a life cut short but a life which touched so many. I've lit some candles for you and us tonight. Not a romantic night in but I know you loved our candlelit nights in.
It has been nice to come home today, back to our home. I know we had planned to go away this weekend, just escape, the two of us, similar to how we did last year. I remember this weekend last year, getting away to the countryside, no phone signal, an open log fire and plenty of time to talk. Those are happy memories, not a great time because we already had a hint of what may be, but, you smiled and stayed positive and never gave up. You loved the simple things, a walk in the bracing winds, dodging the puddles or wiping the rain from your glasses, the weather never dampened your spirits or your zest for life and I try to keep that in mind to stay happy for you.
I have noticed this week that Hope is your legacy to me, it is the one thing you have shown me and taught me which will always be with me, no matter how little money I have, how dark the days are or how long the nights are, it will always be there. I saw this "token" on my first day in Cardiff and bought it, I am seeing the hope around me. Hopes for life, for a future and for a new beginning and for that I thank you.
Till we meet again, 831 Pud xxx (Click here)
Sunday, 9 October 2011
A half week update
You seem to be getting updates every few days now. I will eventually get back in to the swing of it I guess. Lets start with Thursday.
Firstly the same day last year had been Steves first visit to Christies hospital. Here is his blog, click here
I remember the visit and I remember how nervous he was, I was too but I kept him calm. The hospital is quite pleasant really, not like a general hospital, it felt more friendly. Steve just accepted everything that was told to him but, on this visit we were also asked about "harvesting sperm" just in case Steve wanted children after his treatment.
We explained that gays have still not evolved into child bearing creatures, the nurse giggled and, although we understood she was asking a serious question we politely told her that children had never been a consideration for us.
Anyway, this Thursday as I said I went to see Top Hat with my Mum. It was a good show. Not the same as a musical but really good and Tom Chambers who was in Come Dancing played the male lead. Top Hat was filmed in 1935 and starred Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, a classic black and White film. Apart from anything else it was nice to go out with my Mum.
Friday was an ok sort of day. Work was busy and stressful, I am conscious that my attention span is still less than it used to be and constant distractions from people in the office and others coming in and out of the office only distract me more so all in all it is annoying me. I guess I will get back to how I was eventually.
On the same day last year Steve had been to have the first part of his mask made for his radiotherapy treatment. He was nervous about it as he was a little claustrophobic but I was there with him in the room which made him feel more relaxed and afterwards he said it hadn't been anywhere near as bad as he feared it might have been, see what he said click here http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/another-day-over.html
Friday evening I popped to the shops, I needed to collect a gift I had order for my Sister for Christmas but when I got there it had not arrived. I called the order line to check on dispatch date and was told it had been delivered and signed for at my home address! There was me collecting from store and they had sent it to home. It was there when I got in. There's not a lot of stuff to buy now for Xmas which is good. I might start wrapping soon... Woo!
I spent Friday evening curled up on the sofa with a bottle of wine. It was nice to chill but of course it's then that I miss having Steve around to snuggle up to.
Saturday was a busy day. I got up and relaxed for a bit then went to do my ironing ready for my next gay road trip. As I'm travelling with friends and they have quite a small car I needed to pack smart and take as little as possible. I think I managed ok.
In the afternoon I got showered and then went out to see another friend I have not seen for some time. It was good to catch up. He's due to move soon so he took me to see the new place too. It looks nice, it's a 1 bed flat but is a really good size and looks like it's in a nice quiet area. I'll see him again when I get back.
On this day last year Steve had been to Christies for an MRI scan. I had a meeting I couldn't get out of with a friend about a bid she was submitting. I met Steve later in the day, I remember the feeling of relief seeing him after he had been out alone for the day. I would never have worried before but he had never had Cancer before. Here's his blog http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/today-has-been-good-day.html
It was tough for me to adjust to the realisation I couldn't wrap Steve in cotton wool and protect him. I am not sure he ever realised how tough it was to do but I did it. I hope he didn't notice how much i worried, if he did though he didn't let on. I vehemently defended his independence when others told him he can't or shouldn't and I know he did appreciate that. He wanted to live his life as normal as possible, that was truly inspirational to me and many others.
Last night, after visiting my friend I popped to the supermarket and picked up a few bits before heading home. I made a delicious meal and supped a bottle of wine watching X Factor and meddling with my iPad. I trundled off to bed at a reasonable time, well, just before 1am.
This morning I got up, packed my bag, bundled my eBay stuff ready to go tomorrow, got ready, had breakfast and waited to be collected. We set off around 10.30 for our big gay road trip to Wales.
Steve and I booked this trip in February for us and two friends. It was a gift for them for birthday and wedding anniversary, we are staying in the centre of Cardiff for 5 nights and head home on Friday 14th. For Steve and I it was a chance to be tourists as well as for me to meet up with some old friends.
The reason we wanted to head home on 14th was because it is our wedding anniversary. This year would have been our 5th. We were planning on booking in to a hotel nearer to home for 14th and 15th so we had some time out alone.... Instead I will just be alone.
This is the last trip I need to make that Steve and I had planned together. The only other things I still have left to do that were planned with Steve is wrap and deliver the Christmas presents we had already bought. Steve never stopped looking forward and planning for our future, he and we lived every minute of his last nine months from diagnosis to death to the best we could.
I have read Steve's blog again this morning from this day last year, t seems we had a lie in last year, not this year though, here's what he had to say about this day last year, http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/sleeping-in.html
Right now I'm sat in the car typing this. I like not driving, it means I can make more use of my travel time!
Hope to catch you soon,
Mark x
Monday, 19 September 2011
Help! Please......
If you are a regular reader you will know Steve's friend and colleague, Andrew, has just taken part in The Great North Run in aid of Christies Hospital in memory of Stephen.
He set a £500 target and is VERY close to this, please please please if you can spare a few pounds please sponsor him to help him reach his target. He has done fantastically well and Steve would be VERY proud of him and that he has done the run in Steve's name.
Andrew is not an athlete so this really has been an achievement for him. Well done Andrew and please help if you can by following this link: http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85
I have been reading Steves blog lately from last year. Much of it is familiar to me and the significant dates seem to be etchen in my mind. This time last year Steve was worrying about his forthcoming surgery, here's what he had to say about it: http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/09/update.html
Those days are clear in my mind but, Steve's positive attitude bewildered me. I didn't understand but, I could not make any criticism. He was offered a chance to help beat this disease and he grabbed it with both hands. Think about that as you wonder whether it is worth forsaking the last few tablets on your course of anti biotics in favour of a night out or a few glasses of wine.
If you are offered a chance, whether that is of health or otherwise then take it. Some people don't get chances or choices so use yours wisely.
On learning of his diagnosis Steve stopped drinking alcohol. there were a few exceptions but few enough to count on one hand and even then at most he would have one or two glasses and no more. Sat here with a glass of wine I feel guilty. Not guilty enough to stop but I am conscious of the differences.
I still miss Steve with every breath I take, every spare moment is consumed with thoughts of him and wishing he could be here. Another hug, another kiss even another night of him stealing the duvet. There is nothing I wouldn't give just to have that one more time.
Tomorrow after work I am driving north to help a friend for a few days. It will be an interesting time I think as I know I am likely to meet some other people dealing with the same Cancer Steve had, a Glioblastoma Multiforme.
The timing is rubbish as this is a month of anniversaries but I doubt there would ever be a "good time" but, best foot forward and all that.
I'm signing off now to go and iron some clothes. I hope to update again in the next few days but don't be alarmed if I don't.
Bye for now xxx
M x
He set a £500 target and is VERY close to this, please please please if you can spare a few pounds please sponsor him to help him reach his target. He has done fantastically well and Steve would be VERY proud of him and that he has done the run in Steve's name.
Andrew is not an athlete so this really has been an achievement for him. Well done Andrew and please help if you can by following this link: http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85
I have been reading Steves blog lately from last year. Much of it is familiar to me and the significant dates seem to be etchen in my mind. This time last year Steve was worrying about his forthcoming surgery, here's what he had to say about it: http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/09/update.html
Those days are clear in my mind but, Steve's positive attitude bewildered me. I didn't understand but, I could not make any criticism. He was offered a chance to help beat this disease and he grabbed it with both hands. Think about that as you wonder whether it is worth forsaking the last few tablets on your course of anti biotics in favour of a night out or a few glasses of wine.
If you are offered a chance, whether that is of health or otherwise then take it. Some people don't get chances or choices so use yours wisely.
On learning of his diagnosis Steve stopped drinking alcohol. there were a few exceptions but few enough to count on one hand and even then at most he would have one or two glasses and no more. Sat here with a glass of wine I feel guilty. Not guilty enough to stop but I am conscious of the differences.
I still miss Steve with every breath I take, every spare moment is consumed with thoughts of him and wishing he could be here. Another hug, another kiss even another night of him stealing the duvet. There is nothing I wouldn't give just to have that one more time.
Tomorrow after work I am driving north to help a friend for a few days. It will be an interesting time I think as I know I am likely to meet some other people dealing with the same Cancer Steve had, a Glioblastoma Multiforme.
The timing is rubbish as this is a month of anniversaries but I doubt there would ever be a "good time" but, best foot forward and all that.
I'm signing off now to go and iron some clothes. I hope to update again in the next few days but don't be alarmed if I don't.
Bye for now xxx
M x
Thursday, 15 September 2011
You don't die from a broken heart...
...you only wish you did.
I know this to be true as I am still alive to write this for you and yes, I have wished I could be with Steve, whatever it takes.
The past few days have been tough. I mentioned a few days ago the anniversary of Steve being admitted to hospital. One year ago today he was discharged from hospital. He was discharged following an appointment with a Consultant Neurosurgeon.
The meeting was at a different hospital, the one near our home so, we collected Steve's belongings and drove over to the hospital. Steve's Mum had decided she wanted to go too, even though Steve didn't want that, (he just didn't want the fuss), he was beyond putting up an arguement and just accepted it.
We waited outside the ward for our appointment. A very secure ward with restricted doors etc so only authorised personnel were allowed in. We were shown to an office and asked to wait. Steve was sat alongside me gripping my hand tightly, he was SO scared but put on a brave face.
The Consultant entered the room, a friendly looking older gent closely followed by a nurse, in uniform but holding a leaflet. One glance at the leaflet and I saw the word "Macmillan" across it. My heart sunk and I guessed what might be coming. She placed the leaflet face down on the table next to her. It was too late, I had seen it and Steve had too.
The meeting seemed a bit of a blur to Steve, he engaged with the consultant but although he heard the words he didn't remember. I had to go over it again for him when we got home.
The consultant told us that at present the only diagnosis he could give was that it was a cystic tumour. This meant that it is a tumour which is of indeterminable substance. He couldn't say if it was cancer or not and would not be drawn to make a comment as to his opinion of it.
The tumour appeared, from the scans, to measure around 3cm by 5cm, around the size of a large egg. He showed us the scan and we could see how large it looked, it seemed to take up almost a quarter of the space his brain was occupying. It explained the headaches.
He told Steve that he would be admitted to hospital the following week for major brain surgery and that he would be performing it. He explained the procedure, called debulking and explained the risks, death from anaesthetic, death from complications death from etc etc. We asked about the alternative, it wasn't very attractive, it was death.
It was odd that he knew this tumour could kill Steve but didn't know what it was. With hindsight I think he probably had a pretty good idea what it was but wouldn't commit until absolutely sure.
Steve asked about out holiday, remember we were due to go on holiday early in November for 3 weeks. All he would say is that he can't advise one way or another until the biopsy has been done. He said if it is benign then a holiday may be just the thing he needs to relax and recuperate, if it is malignant then further treatment would continue as soon as possible to provide him with the best possible chance.
As a young, fit and healthy man he said Steve had a very good chance of making a full recovery. He did say though that he could expect to feel tired for around six months as brain surgery can affect energy levels for quite some time.
The rest of the day we were numb. We were grateful to be reunited at home but we were numb.
Twelve months on from that and I feel numb again. I am brutally aware of what happened next and of my current situation but I'm managing to stay relatively composed (almost). I cant think of very much else at the moment but I am trying to be strong. Steve was and remained so thoroughout his journey. I can't call it an illness as he refused to let it make him ill.
Stephen showed more courage than I ever thought imaginable. He called me his rock. He was mine too. His courage and determination was a constant inspiration to me and still is. For that I am grateful and always will be.
The past few days have been tough. I mentioned a few days ago the anniversary of Steve being admitted to hospital. One year ago today he was discharged from hospital. He was discharged following an appointment with a Consultant Neurosurgeon.
The meeting was at a different hospital, the one near our home so, we collected Steve's belongings and drove over to the hospital. Steve's Mum had decided she wanted to go too, even though Steve didn't want that, (he just didn't want the fuss), he was beyond putting up an arguement and just accepted it.
We waited outside the ward for our appointment. A very secure ward with restricted doors etc so only authorised personnel were allowed in. We were shown to an office and asked to wait. Steve was sat alongside me gripping my hand tightly, he was SO scared but put on a brave face.
The Consultant entered the room, a friendly looking older gent closely followed by a nurse, in uniform but holding a leaflet. One glance at the leaflet and I saw the word "Macmillan" across it. My heart sunk and I guessed what might be coming. She placed the leaflet face down on the table next to her. It was too late, I had seen it and Steve had too.
The meeting seemed a bit of a blur to Steve, he engaged with the consultant but although he heard the words he didn't remember. I had to go over it again for him when we got home.
The consultant told us that at present the only diagnosis he could give was that it was a cystic tumour. This meant that it is a tumour which is of indeterminable substance. He couldn't say if it was cancer or not and would not be drawn to make a comment as to his opinion of it.
The tumour appeared, from the scans, to measure around 3cm by 5cm, around the size of a large egg. He showed us the scan and we could see how large it looked, it seemed to take up almost a quarter of the space his brain was occupying. It explained the headaches.
He told Steve that he would be admitted to hospital the following week for major brain surgery and that he would be performing it. He explained the procedure, called debulking and explained the risks, death from anaesthetic, death from complications death from etc etc. We asked about the alternative, it wasn't very attractive, it was death.
It was odd that he knew this tumour could kill Steve but didn't know what it was. With hindsight I think he probably had a pretty good idea what it was but wouldn't commit until absolutely sure.
Steve asked about out holiday, remember we were due to go on holiday early in November for 3 weeks. All he would say is that he can't advise one way or another until the biopsy has been done. He said if it is benign then a holiday may be just the thing he needs to relax and recuperate, if it is malignant then further treatment would continue as soon as possible to provide him with the best possible chance.
As a young, fit and healthy man he said Steve had a very good chance of making a full recovery. He did say though that he could expect to feel tired for around six months as brain surgery can affect energy levels for quite some time.
The rest of the day we were numb. We were grateful to be reunited at home but we were numb.
Stephen showed more courage than I ever thought imaginable. He called me his rock. He was mine too. His courage and determination was a constant inspiration to me and still is. For that I am grateful and always will be.
Monday, 12 September 2011
End of a weekend.... Woo!
Another weekend over, just as well really. Even though I managed to keep myself busy today I am still pleased it's over. Last year I felt the same.
As you know this time last year Steve was in hospital. In part what annoyed Steve, apart from not feeling I'll, was being unable do do his normal things and missing out on living life to the fullest, something he did till the end.
This time last year we were due to go on an underground tour of Manchester. Steve had booked it early in the year and had been looking forward to it as it is a restricted area and the tours are quite infrequent and we were due to take two friends too
Over the course of the few days he spent in hospital Steve had been going stir crazy. He told us how he spent one night listening to the guy in the next bed calling out "lord have mercy on me...." and singing Onward Christian Soldiers and listening to another guy complain constantly about how rubbish the food was and how constipated he was. Steve said he felt more I'll being in than he had before.
Over these first few days though he had been reduced from 2 hourly observations, (blood pressure, temperature, pulse etc) to 4 hourly but his steroid dose was quite high.
By sheer charm and being a model patient Steve managed to negotiate a few hours out of hospital. Basically he had to wait Until after his afternoon obs were done and he could go out but had to be back before the evening obs at 10pm. Initially he had thought he could get out at lunchtime so I made a lovely lunch and a home made cheesecake, (it was not a great cheesecake.... I have not followed a BBC Good Food recipe since....).
I collected Steve though at the required time and brought him home. He wasn't hungry, well not for food anyway. We fulfilled our carnal desires instead, those past four days had been hellish so it was nice to have that closeness and intimacy back, even if only relatively briefly. We then tried the cheesecake before heading off to meet friends ready for the underground tour, Steve had waited months for this.
The tour was disappointing to say the least, we sort of wished we had stayed in bed. Parts of it were interesting though, parts of the tunnel were the former canal and some of it had been used as air raid shelters during the war, overall though it was not that interesting, especially when compared to the underground tours of Edinburgh which we had both enjoyed.
Steve got back to his ward in time for the evening rounds, the nurse was grateful he had upheld his side of the bargain, he was grateful for a few hours out and I was grateful for a few short hours snatched with my Husband. Gratitude in a relationship seems odd but, think of it as the opposite of taking someone for granted. Be grateful for what you have because you never know how long it will last.
Back to today. I have prepped around 60 listings for eBay later this week then photographed even more stuff to go on and spent a few hours being creative and sewing, that is until the needle snapped. I took that as a natural break in proceedings and decided to go and get some food.
This evening I have relaxed, half watching TV, part checking email and part day dreaming of browsing the Internet. I'm in bed now typing this.
It's odd but, since there has just been me in the bed I spread out as much as possible so as to make the bed feel smaller and no so empty.
Back to work tomorrow Which reminds me of a quote I was sent:
At work, where recovery from broken-heartedness is expected to progress according to a time sheet, life goes on. Yet, we will not feel better according to a timeline determined by others and we cannot just opt out of feeling lonely.
Of course, I think some people may forget this. I am back in the office therefore their lives have returned to normal. How very nice for them eh....
Goodnight x
As you know this time last year Steve was in hospital. In part what annoyed Steve, apart from not feeling I'll, was being unable do do his normal things and missing out on living life to the fullest, something he did till the end.
This time last year we were due to go on an underground tour of Manchester. Steve had booked it early in the year and had been looking forward to it as it is a restricted area and the tours are quite infrequent and we were due to take two friends too
Over the course of the few days he spent in hospital Steve had been going stir crazy. He told us how he spent one night listening to the guy in the next bed calling out "lord have mercy on me...." and singing Onward Christian Soldiers and listening to another guy complain constantly about how rubbish the food was and how constipated he was. Steve said he felt more I'll being in than he had before.
Over these first few days though he had been reduced from 2 hourly observations, (blood pressure, temperature, pulse etc) to 4 hourly but his steroid dose was quite high.
By sheer charm and being a model patient Steve managed to negotiate a few hours out of hospital. Basically he had to wait Until after his afternoon obs were done and he could go out but had to be back before the evening obs at 10pm. Initially he had thought he could get out at lunchtime so I made a lovely lunch and a home made cheesecake, (it was not a great cheesecake.... I have not followed a BBC Good Food recipe since....).
I collected Steve though at the required time and brought him home. He wasn't hungry, well not for food anyway. We fulfilled our carnal desires instead, those past four days had been hellish so it was nice to have that closeness and intimacy back, even if only relatively briefly. We then tried the cheesecake before heading off to meet friends ready for the underground tour, Steve had waited months for this.
The tour was disappointing to say the least, we sort of wished we had stayed in bed. Parts of it were interesting though, parts of the tunnel were the former canal and some of it had been used as air raid shelters during the war, overall though it was not that interesting, especially when compared to the underground tours of Edinburgh which we had both enjoyed.
Steve got back to his ward in time for the evening rounds, the nurse was grateful he had upheld his side of the bargain, he was grateful for a few hours out and I was grateful for a few short hours snatched with my Husband. Gratitude in a relationship seems odd but, think of it as the opposite of taking someone for granted. Be grateful for what you have because you never know how long it will last.
Back to today. I have prepped around 60 listings for eBay later this week then photographed even more stuff to go on and spent a few hours being creative and sewing, that is until the needle snapped. I took that as a natural break in proceedings and decided to go and get some food.
This evening I have relaxed, half watching TV, part checking email and part day dreaming of browsing the Internet. I'm in bed now typing this.
It's odd but, since there has just been me in the bed I spread out as much as possible so as to make the bed feel smaller and no so empty.
Back to work tomorrow Which reminds me of a quote I was sent:
At work, where recovery from broken-heartedness is expected to progress according to a time sheet, life goes on. Yet, we will not feel better according to a timeline determined by others and we cannot just opt out of feeling lonely.
Of course, I think some people may forget this. I am back in the office therefore their lives have returned to normal. How very nice for them eh....
Goodnight x
Saturday, 10 September 2011
I still hate weekends.....
I missed a day, sorry. I ended up chatting on the phone for about 3 hours until 2ish this morning and after that it was shower and bed.
Yesterday I went back to work. It was ok I suppose, well really it was more chaotic than anything but interesting too. I guess I am adjusting to how the place runs now as I have been away so long there are now three people sort of doing my old job but there is still loads for me to do. It is actually a relief to have the help of those other people. It was needed a long time ago but I am just appreciative of it being there now.
Last night I busied myself tidying around as someone was due to view the house today. Some friends called around after their holiday. It was nice to see them. We chatted for a while and also spoke about my 'holiday' too, I explained a little how tough it was. As I said though, words can't explain how it feels.
Oddly, they are the same friends that called around last year on Steve's second day in hospital, I was so upset at facing another night without Steve, again it is too difficult to explain, I drowned my sorrow by drinking more than half a bottle of Southern Comfort, no mixer, I just wanted alcohol to block out how I felt.
It's strange but, since Steve died I have avoided all but the smallest amount of alcohol. I know I am afraid of what it will do, I don't want to unlock those thoughts or emotions which are safely secured away and I know alcohol will loosen the bonds that hold those thoughts safe and sound.
After spending most of the night on the phone I showered and went to bed. It was as tough last night as it was a year ago, in fact tougher I guess. Last year I knew Steve was safe and sound at hospital, this year I know he's dead.
Today I got up and sorted my stuff out and got easy for the viewing. The prospective buyers came and had a look but I have no idea whether they liked it or not, I suppose time will tell.
This afternoon I did some shopping then came home and did some cooking, I experimented with a few things and made a lovely meal for myself. Oddly just cooking upset me. Usually I would so this for Steve and I, inflicting new flavours and concoctions on him. It's not so much fun cooking for one or not sharing these new flavours with someone special.
Right now I feel pretty shitty, it's been a tough night for a few reasons. I think early to bed is the solution, the sooner I got to sleep the sooner it is a new day and a new start.
Not sure what tomorrow will bring, maybe I need some time out on my own. I don't know but will decide tomorrow.
Goodnight x
Yesterday I went back to work. It was ok I suppose, well really it was more chaotic than anything but interesting too. I guess I am adjusting to how the place runs now as I have been away so long there are now three people sort of doing my old job but there is still loads for me to do. It is actually a relief to have the help of those other people. It was needed a long time ago but I am just appreciative of it being there now.
Last night I busied myself tidying around as someone was due to view the house today. Some friends called around after their holiday. It was nice to see them. We chatted for a while and also spoke about my 'holiday' too, I explained a little how tough it was. As I said though, words can't explain how it feels.
It's strange but, since Steve died I have avoided all but the smallest amount of alcohol. I know I am afraid of what it will do, I don't want to unlock those thoughts or emotions which are safely secured away and I know alcohol will loosen the bonds that hold those thoughts safe and sound.
After spending most of the night on the phone I showered and went to bed. It was as tough last night as it was a year ago, in fact tougher I guess. Last year I knew Steve was safe and sound at hospital, this year I know he's dead.
Today I got up and sorted my stuff out and got easy for the viewing. The prospective buyers came and had a look but I have no idea whether they liked it or not, I suppose time will tell.
This afternoon I did some shopping then came home and did some cooking, I experimented with a few things and made a lovely meal for myself. Oddly just cooking upset me. Usually I would so this for Steve and I, inflicting new flavours and concoctions on him. It's not so much fun cooking for one or not sharing these new flavours with someone special.
Right now I feel pretty shitty, it's been a tough night for a few reasons. I think early to bed is the solution, the sooner I got to sleep the sooner it is a new day and a new start.
Not sure what tomorrow will bring, maybe I need some time out on my own. I don't know but will decide tomorrow.
Goodnight x
Wednesday, 7 September 2011
and so the journey began...
that's where I am at, exactly twelve months since Steve was sent to the eye hospital following a routine eye test. Following his eye test on 5th September he saw his own doctor on the morning of 7th September and he referred Steve to the eye hospital in the afternoon. His appointment was at 2pm and I took him to the hospital despite him insisting he would be fine to go on his motorbike.
The department closed at 6pm but Steve and I were still there at 6.15pm whilst they booked him in for an MRI scan to following day.
We went home and discussed the days events but didn't worry too much. I say that but what I mean is we didn't discuss it much. Steve said he was worried, (as was I), but didn't see the point in getting stressed because at this point we had no idea what we would be worrying about. We were to find out all too soon.
A year on and I have been sat here alone all day. I have done quite a lot of work really. Letters prepared to be sent to tie up some loose ends with Stephens affairs, there is still more to do but I felt in a work like mood today and it has also been the first day I have felt able to face some of the stuff I have had to deal with.
Steve rarely took the ostrich approach, (burying your head in the sand), and I encouraged him to face up to the things he would prefer to avoid. He learned well and also encouraged me to do the things I put off till last minute. I have been putting a lot of things off since he died i guess though last week's reality check, being alone on the trip we had planned together has really given me a kick up the arse.
Stephen is dead. There is nothing I can do about it. I know crying wont help, wishing and hoping doesn't help, in fact nothing does because I have tried.
I learned today of a little boy called Ashley. He died this day last year. I have seen his picture and he is such a cute kid, that makes it all the more difficult. He was just 8 when he died. Its not fair is it. It's stories like that which remind me that my pain is similar to the pain many people the world over are sharing because of one small six letter word, a small word with huge implications. Cancer.
It's because of that small but disproportionately huge word that Andrew is running for Steve and for Christies in a few weeks, I have sponsored him, can you? http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85 every penny will help.
I think whilst we are all safe and sound in our own homes with our loved ones around us we forget about other peoples suffering. Remember, cancer does not discriminate over age, race, religion, sex or sexuality. Cancer wont care if you have thousands of pounds in the bank or just a few pennies, no matter how much is in there though you cant spend that money when you're dead.
Steve and I worked hard. We worked all week in our day jobs and almost all weekend performing and entertaining others. We spread a lot of happiness, joy and laughter around the country, we earned a few quid too but what good was it? We worked and worked and worked, last year it was for our holiday in November. Three weeks in India. We never got there.
Cancer stopped our plans. Our holiday was cancelled, our money lost and days on the beach or sightseeing were replaced with hospital waiting rooms and the radiotherapy suite at Christies Hospital. I don't know if I will ever be able to go to India to see the things Steve wanted to see, I would love to but, I realise that is is not important anymore. The most important thing to me is no longer here.
I don't want to drag the soap box out but spare a moment. How would you feel without your closest loved one around you? If they had cancer would you be wishing someone had found a cure or would you feel proud that you helped do as much as possible to fight this killer? None of us can find a cure on our own but we can join together as one voice and support those who aim to help others.
One in three of us will be affected by cancer in our lives that's for sure but, what isn't sure is which one of us it will be.
Spare a thought for Ashley's family tonight, snatched from them at just 8 years old just one year ago and please remember that any support you are able to provide is VERY much appreciated by each and every family who have lost a loved one to cancer.
Goodnight xxx
The department closed at 6pm but Steve and I were still there at 6.15pm whilst they booked him in for an MRI scan to following day.
We went home and discussed the days events but didn't worry too much. I say that but what I mean is we didn't discuss it much. Steve said he was worried, (as was I), but didn't see the point in getting stressed because at this point we had no idea what we would be worrying about. We were to find out all too soon.
A year on and I have been sat here alone all day. I have done quite a lot of work really. Letters prepared to be sent to tie up some loose ends with Stephens affairs, there is still more to do but I felt in a work like mood today and it has also been the first day I have felt able to face some of the stuff I have had to deal with.
Steve rarely took the ostrich approach, (burying your head in the sand), and I encouraged him to face up to the things he would prefer to avoid. He learned well and also encouraged me to do the things I put off till last minute. I have been putting a lot of things off since he died i guess though last week's reality check, being alone on the trip we had planned together has really given me a kick up the arse.
Stephen is dead. There is nothing I can do about it. I know crying wont help, wishing and hoping doesn't help, in fact nothing does because I have tried.
I learned today of a little boy called Ashley. He died this day last year. I have seen his picture and he is such a cute kid, that makes it all the more difficult. He was just 8 when he died. Its not fair is it. It's stories like that which remind me that my pain is similar to the pain many people the world over are sharing because of one small six letter word, a small word with huge implications. Cancer.
It's because of that small but disproportionately huge word that Andrew is running for Steve and for Christies in a few weeks, I have sponsored him, can you? http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85 every penny will help.
I think whilst we are all safe and sound in our own homes with our loved ones around us we forget about other peoples suffering. Remember, cancer does not discriminate over age, race, religion, sex or sexuality. Cancer wont care if you have thousands of pounds in the bank or just a few pennies, no matter how much is in there though you cant spend that money when you're dead.
Steve and I worked hard. We worked all week in our day jobs and almost all weekend performing and entertaining others. We spread a lot of happiness, joy and laughter around the country, we earned a few quid too but what good was it? We worked and worked and worked, last year it was for our holiday in November. Three weeks in India. We never got there.
Cancer stopped our plans. Our holiday was cancelled, our money lost and days on the beach or sightseeing were replaced with hospital waiting rooms and the radiotherapy suite at Christies Hospital. I don't know if I will ever be able to go to India to see the things Steve wanted to see, I would love to but, I realise that is is not important anymore. The most important thing to me is no longer here.
I don't want to drag the soap box out but spare a moment. How would you feel without your closest loved one around you? If they had cancer would you be wishing someone had found a cure or would you feel proud that you helped do as much as possible to fight this killer? None of us can find a cure on our own but we can join together as one voice and support those who aim to help others.
One in three of us will be affected by cancer in our lives that's for sure but, what isn't sure is which one of us it will be.
Spare a thought for Ashley's family tonight, snatched from them at just 8 years old just one year ago and please remember that any support you are able to provide is VERY much appreciated by each and every family who have lost a loved one to cancer.
Goodnight xxx
Saturday, 6 August 2011
An absent neutral week
I know I have been lacking in the blog area this week. Perhaps my mind has been am little absent too. It's not been a significant week, neither significantly good or significantly bad just a collection of days.
That's not meant negatively but maybe neutrally. That's probably the best explanation for my mood the last week and I am ok with it, it is better than being on the roller coaster. Don't get me wrong I have had a few 'moments' this week but that's ok.
On Tuesday this week J came and stopped, we went out for lunch and we wandered around the shops, we each bought just one item so hardly a huge spree but it was the first time I have been to a busy shopping area since Steve died so it can be seen as a step forward.
On Wednesday I didn't get up to much, I was going to venture out with the camera and did set off in the car but came home, I just didn't feel like it.
Thursday was again a bit of a quiet day but H came to see me in the eve and we had a good old natter. Also, if you remember me asking you to say a prayer or send healing thoughts for a friends nephew well it's her nephew. I am pleased to say he is doing ok, he is not fully recovered but he is out of intensive care so he is heading in the right direction. He's only 13 so please keep sending all your positive thoughts etc to Luke xxx
Friday was not so bad either, I had an appointment in the afternoon so I got up and had a leisurely morning then went to see G afterwards. It's not all good there either unfortunately, N's Dad is poorly, he has been for some time but he is in hospital again and the whole family are concerned. I feel for them a lot as they have seen Steve go through his journey and have watched me struggle with him dying and now they have this on top. It's not fair but life seldom is, and don't I know it.
Last night I was up until really late, in fact till the early hours of this morning chatting on the phone, it was a good to talk though, we were discussing ideas for raising awareness of brain tumours, I did a couple of pictures this week for #braintumourthursday on twitter, just some pics of Steve but with a hard hitting message.
They may seem harsh, I had a long think before, during and after I did them but, I decided if they stop someone and make them think then they have done their job and Steve would be pleased to know he has helped raise awareness of this cruel disease, I've recently learned of a few children with the same disease. It sickens me to know what those families will be going through now and at some point in the future.
Today has not been too bad. I got up late, not late considering I was awake until after 4am but later than usual. I showered and went in to town. I only needed to bank a cheque and post a letter. The bank was shut and I had missed the last post for today for the letter but it will go on Monday.
I thought about having a look around the shops, I went in and wandered about for a bit but came away empty handed. I realised there is nothing I need to buy or want to buy so I came home empty handed.
I had a call this afternoon from a friend about something else she has been working on, it will be great news but she has to keep it a secret for now so I will too but, eventually you will know ALL as it really is good news.
This evening I have sat here alone, not doing anything in particular but, as the weekends have been the most difficult bits of my week then I think I am doing ok so far, I'm not on a downer, that's not due to alcohol anaesthetic either as I haven't had any but it is just because I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope nobody turns it off before I get near the end!
I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, loads to do but the weather and my motivation when I wake up will no doubt decide for me. Here's another pic I did, you can see why the debate with myself, hard hitting and hopefully they can be used to raise awareness of brain tumours for http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/
Goodnight xxx Mark xxx
That's not meant negatively but maybe neutrally. That's probably the best explanation for my mood the last week and I am ok with it, it is better than being on the roller coaster. Don't get me wrong I have had a few 'moments' this week but that's ok.
On Tuesday this week J came and stopped, we went out for lunch and we wandered around the shops, we each bought just one item so hardly a huge spree but it was the first time I have been to a busy shopping area since Steve died so it can be seen as a step forward.
On Wednesday I didn't get up to much, I was going to venture out with the camera and did set off in the car but came home, I just didn't feel like it.
Thursday was again a bit of a quiet day but H came to see me in the eve and we had a good old natter. Also, if you remember me asking you to say a prayer or send healing thoughts for a friends nephew well it's her nephew. I am pleased to say he is doing ok, he is not fully recovered but he is out of intensive care so he is heading in the right direction. He's only 13 so please keep sending all your positive thoughts etc to Luke xxx
Friday was not so bad either, I had an appointment in the afternoon so I got up and had a leisurely morning then went to see G afterwards. It's not all good there either unfortunately, N's Dad is poorly, he has been for some time but he is in hospital again and the whole family are concerned. I feel for them a lot as they have seen Steve go through his journey and have watched me struggle with him dying and now they have this on top. It's not fair but life seldom is, and don't I know it.
Last night I was up until really late, in fact till the early hours of this morning chatting on the phone, it was a good to talk though, we were discussing ideas for raising awareness of brain tumours, I did a couple of pictures this week for #braintumourthursday on twitter, just some pics of Steve but with a hard hitting message.
I thought about having a look around the shops, I went in and wandered about for a bit but came away empty handed. I realised there is nothing I need to buy or want to buy so I came home empty handed.
I had a call this afternoon from a friend about something else she has been working on, it will be great news but she has to keep it a secret for now so I will too but, eventually you will know ALL as it really is good news.
This evening I have sat here alone, not doing anything in particular but, as the weekends have been the most difficult bits of my week then I think I am doing ok so far, I'm not on a downer, that's not due to alcohol anaesthetic either as I haven't had any but it is just because I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope nobody turns it off before I get near the end!
I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, loads to do but the weather and my motivation when I wake up will no doubt decide for me. Here's another pic I did, you can see why the debate with myself, hard hitting and hopefully they can be used to raise awareness of brain tumours for http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Because I knew you...
I know it's been a few days, I will update more later but for now please take a look at this video I was sent today. It could be viewed as an "open letter" to Steve, after all I am who I am today Because I knew you...
Saturday, 16 July 2011
The Eve of another significant milestone....
Well it may not be to you and to 99.99% of the 8 - 10,000+ people expected to be there tomorrow it wont be either but to me it is. It will be the first time since becoming a double act with Steve that I have put a face on without him. the first time i will have been on stage without him and the first time I don't have him to "bounce off" with banter and quips and our own brand of humour.
It's a daunting one really, I don't know what to expect of myself, I can sort of guess how the crowd will be and how our friends will be and how the artiste's will be but I have no idea how I will be. Odd isn't it, for someone who likes to be in control and will freely admit to being a control freak, (typically only when approved as such by Steve), I have no control over the one thing I should have, me, my feelings and whatever is going on in my head.
I've already had a lot of messages and phone calls of support etc and they have come as a bit of a surprise really but all concerned about how I will manage. The truthful answer is, I don't know, but I suppose I will. I read my tribute at the funeral, I spoke about Steve this week at an event focused on brain tumours and I can do this too. I guess I might be more resilient than I give myself credit for, I hope so anyway.
Well not a lot else really on my mind tonight other than tomorrow. Costume was finished today, hair started and finished today. I have realised though I have done nothing for me, guess I ought to pack a toothbrush and some clean clobber as I will be stopping there tomorrow. Not sure what tomorrow night will bring, I guess it will depend on what the day brings and how I cope with that.
I think I need to be up early tomorrow ironing..... Oh well it's been a nice night chatting to FB friends so not worried about that.
Will update tomorrow if and when I can xxx
It's a daunting one really, I don't know what to expect of myself, I can sort of guess how the crowd will be and how our friends will be and how the artiste's will be but I have no idea how I will be. Odd isn't it, for someone who likes to be in control and will freely admit to being a control freak, (typically only when approved as such by Steve), I have no control over the one thing I should have, me, my feelings and whatever is going on in my head.
I've already had a lot of messages and phone calls of support etc and they have come as a bit of a surprise really but all concerned about how I will manage. The truthful answer is, I don't know, but I suppose I will. I read my tribute at the funeral, I spoke about Steve this week at an event focused on brain tumours and I can do this too. I guess I might be more resilient than I give myself credit for, I hope so anyway.
Well not a lot else really on my mind tonight other than tomorrow. Costume was finished today, hair started and finished today. I have realised though I have done nothing for me, guess I ought to pack a toothbrush and some clean clobber as I will be stopping there tomorrow. Not sure what tomorrow night will bring, I guess it will depend on what the day brings and how I cope with that.
I think I need to be up early tomorrow ironing..... Oh well it's been a nice night chatting to FB friends so not worried about that.
Will update tomorrow if and when I can xxx
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