A busy week, dance routines and big smiles

Phew, hasn't time gone quickly. It's been a week since I posted last. It's been a great week too.


I know in my previous post I eluded to why I have been very happy of late and that happiness and smileyness has continued. and, I hope it will continue for very much longer too.

Back to last week though, on Tuesday Jonathan invited me to see Steps. I knew it would be a late night but, it seemed even later after being woken at 3am to be told my Dad was being taken to hospital with "Chest pains". He's had a heart attack before so obviously your mind thinks the worse. As it turned out it was an angina attack but still, being woken so early meant I was sapped of energy for Steps.

Before I went I would have insisted that I knew very few of their songs and knew none of their dance routines. By the end of the concert, whilst I could re-confirm I knew none of the dance routines, I knew all of their songs, well at very least all of those they sung in concert.

It was a lovely night and it was fun to see that Jonathan knew all of the routines as well as the words. I watched in near amazement of every perfectly choreographed move and gesture, as I said though it was also fun to see. In part because his energy and enthusiasm was extremely contagious!

My week seemed to be taking a turn for the worse on Wednesday when I received a call from home saying there was water leaking in through the bedroom ceiling so off I went to sort that too. On Thursday I was up and out early for a breakfast meeting, it started at 7.15 which is really not when I function best, I prefer evenings. I had a full day though of meetings and things to sort for work but, fingers crossed, they will all fall in to place later today ready for an event I am working on tomorrow and Wednesday.

Friday was a long day at work, fighting tiredness from the week I struggled to get through the day, so much so that when I got home I dozed off whilst watching the news. After J arrived home we decided to go out and have a few drinks. We headed off into town and had a lovely time. There was no agenda, no plans to meet up with anyone but, we managed to bump into some friends and ended up being out until the early hours of Saturday morning. It was nice not to have an agenda.

Following a late start on Saturday it was nice to see some more friends and then head out for dinner and a browse around the shops before a relaxing night in. I think that has been something we have both enjoyed over recent weeks. The chance to relax with no agenda or timescale to work to.

On Sunday we had another lazy morning but then called to visit family, and friends before heading into Manchester to attend a party. Steve's Mum got to meet Jonathan along with a few other friends too, so again it was just nice to be able to spend time together with no agenda. We ended up snuggling on the sofa again last night with a bottle of wine and a film before a reasonable early night. I was up for 5.30 this morning so it wasn't a late night.

I think, in part, that’s what has been nice about the past few weeks, the chance to sit, relax and do very little other than being happy in the company of someone that makes you smile. It sounds sickly sweet, I suppose it is, but it's still been nice. We've made each other happy and I hope it continues for a very long time to come. There are still a lot of things to sort for us both but those will sort themselves out in time, for now we're just enjoying life.

Well, that’s about all my news for now, I'm off to sort a few more things before I dash off to collect some things from a supplier for work so I will write soon, I hope you've had or are having a lovely day wherever you are and whatever you're up to.

Xx M xX

A Happy Happy Smiley Me

Well I know it's unusual for me to write a midweek blog at the moment but right now I'm in a happy happy place and I just wanted to share that with you all.


It's been a busy week already with following up on my event from last week and a whole host of other things but early this week I thought I had this coming weekend planned and sorted but, as often is the case these plans have changed but, I'm not upset about it, I've just made different plans.

I found out yesterday that a friend has returned from what seems like a very long holiday, we don’t see each other often but, long story short, we arranged to go out tonight, nowhere posh just Ikea but it was a chance to go for a blast in the car, to chat and to just get out in the evening for a change. The evenings are getting lighter and the mornings brighter so it really feels like spring is on its way. On the way home we called into a bar in town and had a chat over a few drinks. It was lovely to sit and chat, we don’t do it often enough and we both enjoyed it. I’m already looking forward to the next time.

This weekend I'm now meeting up with another friend whom I've not seen for quite a long time but she was a friend of Steve's from many years ago and is a great laugh. We're going in search of real ale, we will do some window shopping and perhaps a shorty countryside walk too but I'm not denying that the ale is the real reason for the outing. I've not been out boozing in a daytime like that for around four years so it'll be good. I'm so excited at the thought though, it feels naughty but, I'm an adult and I can so I am!

On Sunday I've been invited out to lunch and that too will be at a pub but I'll not be drinking. I'm hoping it will be a nice day as we've planned on going for a walk in the countryside too.

All that means that I have a full week ahead. I've just noticed too that tomorrow, March 1st, is St Davids Day which is the Welsh national day. I remember from school that it meant dressing in traditional costumes and having a half day off from school. I wont we getting a half day off work tomorrow though and I wont be wearing traditional dress.

Finally, I noticed a few days ago that a lady in a forum I belong to, (it's a forum for the bereaved so this lady was a Widow), but the lady was commenting about some odd goings on at home where her iPod started to play random music but, all the tracks were sentimental to her and her late Husband. She saw this as a sign from her Hubby that it's OK to move on a little and claim back some of her life for herself.

I wondered whether I will get such signs or if I have and have just not noticed so I think this has been in my mind. Last night when I went to bed I docked my iPhone as usual and the music started up, this isn't unusual but I skipped through a few songs as they all seemed to be "Steve Songs" in that they were songs he would perform, or favourites of his, (but not of mine) so I just skipped on to something I wanted to listen to which, at the moment is generally the Wicked soundtrack.

This morning I got in the car and the first track on the radio was "It's my life" by Talk Talk now I don't know if it significant but an Ex used to refer to me as Talk Talk many years ago, Steve knew this and said it was accurate. Now was that song really a message from Steve saying I should be claiming back my life? I decided many weeks ago I should be living my life fully in honour of Steve as he cannot. Just because Cancer took his life I shouldn’t let it take mine too. Lately I have thought a lot of this, I have felt guilty that I am living my life but also like I have to for Steve. It’s difficult but, was it really a sign? Who knows?

I don't know the answer to my question but I do know I believe in fate, things happen for a reason, Steve believed this too. For weeks I have listened to CD’s on the way to work but today the radio was on in the car. Fate or coincidence? Who knows? Maybe it was a sign, maybe fate determined I should read the forum entry so the signs made sense to me, maybe fate decided I would listen to the radio today. The truth is there are signs all around us that we take for granted, signs of a brighter future, of hope and of the tomorrow we want.

Think of the Daffodils budding at the moment, we know inside the dismal bud there is a bright yellow flower just as we know beyond these patchy days there are days of bright sunshine ahead and they will come, we know they will because they always do.

Think of the snowdrops, so pure and white and delicate. They bring promises and hope of a better tomorrow. From the bleakest winter they have forced through the hardened ground and offer their delicate bloom for all to see, just a promise of the flowers and blooms that will come to us in the summer. Perhaps that's where I’ve been. Perhaps Steve’s passing and the months immediately afterwards were my winter. Cold, dark, bleak and dismal but now, as I force myself to live I am seeing my life as a snowdrop, new and fresh and just the start of a brighter future which holds all sorts of things, bright days just like the Daffodils will bring. Perhaps. Again, I don’t know this but it makes sense. Hope is all around us we just need to open our eyes to see it.

Goodnight to you, I hope you sleep well, I know I will as writing this has made me think and I realise, life is coming good again, I am happy and am happy to be happy, Why my life is like this still makes me sad (ie losing Steve), but I cant change that so I am happy for my family, for my friends and for the hope I have for the future. I am happy to smile for Steve and for myself.

Until next time xxx

Sew busy...

Well that's my blog summed up in two words.

Yesterday, well apart from a busy day at work I spent the evening, (or a large part of it) on the phone to a few friends and knitting.... I have got a little further but LOADS to do.

This morning I got up at around 9am and sorted a little washing etc.  I received a call from someone re Steve's estate, that sort of put me on a back foot this morning as I didn't expect to have to explain (again) to someone why Steve is not responding to email etc.  The blunt, "He's Dead" approach seems to get the point across quite succinctly.  It hurts.  I miss him.  I more than miss him but I don't know what word describes how much I miss him...

Anyway, after that I got dressed and then started sorting my stuff out for a day of crafty shizzle.  I started around 10.30 this morning and didn't stop meddling until around 10.30 this evening!  I got quite a bit done but I can't post a pic as they are mainly gifts...  =( but, hopefully there will be a few happy people when Christmas arrives in 42 days time!!!

I am not sure what I will do tomorrow, I had planned, (in my mind), to go and see some friends today but I didn't get to as I got absorbed with stitching.  I am quite eager to do some more stitching tomorrow but it will depend on what time I get up and I would still like to see friends but I really need to get the Chrimbo shizzle sorted..... hmmm lets wait and see what the morning brings.

Well it's bedtime here so I will catch y'all soon.

xxx M xxx

Because I knew you...

I know it's been a few days, I will update more later but for now please take a look at this video I was sent today.  It could be viewed as an "open letter" to Steve, after all I am who I am today Because I knew you...

A good habit to get in to...

Today has been another good day!  I know!  Shock horror and all that.  It was good insofar as I didn't feel so down today.  The sun has shone for most of the day, well for long enough for me to put the washing out to dry after being lulled into a false sense of security just before the heavens opened and the rain came down! 

I got up this morning and pottered for a bit, I cleaned the car out, took it for a wash and then came back to polish it, stopping off en route for some cat food and the obligatory new air freshener for the car.

This evening I called round to see a friend and we went out for a drive.  We weren't out long but I suppose it beats sitting around with a brew.

Tonight I have been sat here reading, reading stuff on the Internet but reading all the same.  A friend (M) said to me a few weeks ago I should  consider writing a book.  I initially thought no but, I guess my life is quite unusual in some respects.  If nothing else it will be therapeutic to write.  I've looked in to it and, the first thing I need to do is map out my chapters.  I guess if nothing else it will give me something to do, especially as the winter nights approach, we've had the longest day now you see so we're now on the down hill slope to winter.  I'm not looking forward to that.  Steve and I used to sit in and snuggle on the sofa in the winter.  I guess this year I will need a throw or a blanket to snuggle in to.

The other positive thing today is that my olds have celebrated their wedding anniversary, I think it's 38 years, either way it's more years that I am old if that makes sense.  38 years eh!  I was late with their card, I didn't forget I just remembered late.  They didn't bother with cards though, they said they didn't feel like celebrating this year.  I understand that but I know Steve would have got them a card and would want them to celebrate too  as it's a decent milestone.

that was one of the things Steve liked about my family.  He said on more than one occasion how he loved that special days and dates were made to feel special.  I am sure he had a fuss made for his birthday as a child but he said as he got older it just became another day.  That was until he met me, he loved birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries even valentines day because he knew I would usually get him something, sometimes something odd, sometimes useful but he just loved the surprises.  He kept most of the cards I ever sent him.  When I went in his bedside drawer after he had died I found a lot of cards from me to him there, he was very sentimental really, odd but some of those cards are years old but he had kept them close to hand.

I'm going to miss spoiling him this year at Christmas, I loved how his face lit up like a child's because he had no idea what he was getting.  I guess I am glad thats one habit he didn't pick up from his Mum.  She opens her presents straight away, regardless of how early they are.  She will look at them and then close the package back up,  Whats the point?  Theres no surprise then.  Steve loved surprises, I guess I do really but Steve had a special way with surprises.... need I say more than "Star"?!?!? (go back to my blog around mid June onwards if you have no idea).

Well it's time for bed now, I was good yesterday and got in bed a whole hour earlier than the night before, it was 2.30 am, I did meddle with the phone for a bit though and will probably find something to do tonight too but, at least I am in the right place.

Before I go, if you use twitter then follow me at:  adifferentmark I guess then at least there is a "Chance" of a 2 way conversation.

Goodnight xxx

Naked Boys Dancing and Free Chocolate

Today has certainly been a different day, in the main because I have been out for most of it I guess.  For the past few weeks I have been in for the most part of most days, (or it certainly seems that way) but, today has been different.

I was up at a reasonable time this morning despite still being up till 3.30 am meddling.  I am planning on going to bed quite soon so hopefully before 1.30 am today.  I have not thought about whether I am still avoiding bed or if I have now just got into a routine of late nights and minimal sleep?  I don't know but I guess I ought start to go to bed at a reasonable time sometime soon.

I had to go to Wigan today, there were a few reasons none of which need to be explored here but I did get to see a friend there too and have a good old natter.  We are as bad as one another and can both talk for England but we just flow from one thing to another.  Steve used to laugh at me, he could tell who I was speaking to just by hearing one side of the conversation but, I guess that is because he knew me so well.

After leaving the house around 2pm today I got home just before 9pm, that's unusual for me at the moment as I said, most of my time seems to be spent at home these days but, today has been a good day, I've not had a "Steve" focus to the day and it's not felt bad doing something for me.  In fact this morning seemed OK too, I was thinking about putting a few things away.  Just stuff which belongs to Steve which I have kept around since he passed away, old pictures, (in a box; but close to hand),  some clothes and bit's and pieces really which were his.  I think I am now mentally in a place where these can be put away.  Out of sight, NOT out of mind but I suppose it means I can reduce the clutter around me, something Steve hated and tried to rid us of, (even though he was a hoarder, a gene he definitely got from his Mum).

I now have a sense of busy-ness, there seems to be a lot to do.  By doing it I will keep my mind active but also perhaps just be able to move on mentally from under the big black cloud and make my way toward the end of the cloud and moving toward those nice fluffy white ones before I get to clear blue skies and sunshine.

Well not a lot more to report, like I said it's been a good day.  Last Wednesday was a good day too, I had "things" to do on both days though so I doubt there is a Wednesday connection just a "being busy" connection.  Hmmm, good job I have lots to occupy my time tomorrow, there's another estate agent comimg on Friday, this one seems to be a little more pro-active in finding punters.  Lets see what he has to say but I reckon we'll be reducing the price and trying to get things jogging along pretty soon, our boat is calling...

Well goodnight again oh and sorry about the title, I just thought it looked a little more interesting than "A Good Day" but, if I were to ever have a day like that I can assure you I wont be writing my blog until both are long gone, well, you need to make the most of these things which reminds me.... theres chocolate in the cupboard which had a "best by" date on it of April some time... they tasted OK last week so should last a little longer.

Well TTFN,
Mark x

Nothingness

I am not sure if that is a real word or one I just made up but thats what today has been, a whole day of nothing.  I got up at a reasonable time even though I was up till very late last night.

I pottered around this morning, in fact I have for most of the day.  I guess with everything that has happened over the weekend I sort of felt a little lost so amongst other things Steve has been on my mind a lot again today.

I have to start looking at financial stuff in detail soon too, two peoples outgoings with one persons wage isn't easy and Steve has not made things easy for me, I guess the plans we had made were just too long term because we had no reason to doubt a longer prognosis, lesson learned I think and learned the hard way too.  The thing is it has all lost it's relevance now he has gone.  I just want to bury my head in the sand until it all goes away and, as it will never go away then I will have my head there for a very long time.

I have been thinking about something said on the Brain Tumour course I was at last week for http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/ plan the fun in your week.  How can I plan fun?  Anything fun and exciting and interesting I have done for the last 6 years has included Steve.  Before Steve my 'fun' used to be dating and partying 6 or 7 nights a week but that doesn't sound attractive anymore, I have been there and done that.  Whats fun?  What fun can a Gay Widower have?  I want some and I want to be happy on the inside not just presenting a smiling face to the outside but I don't know how.

I was thinking earlier, quite a few people have seen pictures from the weekend and have said how happy I look, how much fun it all seemed to be and how Steve would be pleased.  I suppose it hurt a little hearing that I "look" happy  Isn't it though funny how easily fooled we are, just painting on a smile makes people think we are happy but they have no idea what is going on inside.  Before I start on this train of thought I know I will sound bitter and ungrateful so I won't even start, I guess I am still hurting.  The world is moving on as it should do, people are picking themselves up and being inspired to live their life to the fullest because they have heard and seen Steve do the same.  I want the world to stop, right here right now just stop, let me cling on to the fragments of Steve I have left,  memories, pictures and thoughts, I don't want anyone or anything to move as it may unsettle the dust that is falling around me, I can't turn the clock back but I dont want it to go forward either.  What will the future hold?  I know what I want it to hold and when my head is in a "good place" I can see the vision clearly, right now though it is not, the vision is blurred by the tears in my eyes, my heart is scarred beyond recognition and I start to wonder why we thought knowing this was coming would make it easier to deal with.  I can't imagine hurting more,  My chest aches constantly, feeling hollow has become the norm and this sense of being lost is becoming all too familiar.

People say I am doing well but I wonder if I am dealing with it well or just masking it well.  I don't know if I am sliding down that slippery slope to depression or whether I am bumbling around it and making slow progress away from it.  I don't know and that is part of what is difficult.  I like to be in control and I am not.  Steve liked to be in control and he wasn't either, neither of us liked uncertainty other than that which we had planned, like taking 'pot luck' on which  jokes to tell at a gig or whether the motorway route or dual carriageway would be quicker.  I can't control these emotions yet.  I guess they are like a new pet, they need to be trained to be kept in check, sometimes I spot them, grab them, and put them away but other times they just creep up on me and consume me.  I suppose I need more time to be able to train this new 'pet', perhaps I should give my new 'pet grief' a name so I can laugh at it like Steve laughed at his Cancer.  Either way I know I have a mountain to climb, I'll get there but perhaps I need to be a little easier on myself.

Tomorrow will be a good day, if I tell myself that now then hopefully it will be.

Until then goodnight,
Mark x