Ramblings of me....

Well it's been over a week and I've not written but I am looking back over the week and can see nothing but smiles really. Right now I am laid in bed next to Jonathan and enjoying a late start. It was a bank holiday yesterday so we have taken the rest of the week off. I was taking a few days off anyway but am pleased Jonathan is too.


Later this week we are off to London. I have a friend who received an OBE in the new years honours list so she's invited me along too to Buckingham Palace to see The Queen awarding her medal. It will be lovely to get to go in to the Palace and see The Queen and of course to see the whole ceremony. I will write more about that later this week.

Back to last week, there isn't a lot to say really, just work is, well, just work and home is good. On Wednesday Jonathan joined us and Steve's Mum for dinner in the evening. It's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but I think it is nice that Steve's Mum seems to get on well with Jonathan too.

I may of said it before but whilst I don't seek approval for my decisions from anyone I don't like the idea of my actions causing upset. We both understand how it may be difficult to see me with someone else, especially given the circumstances, and this goes for Jonathan too after such a long time with his ex but we are both mindful of that but, accept life is too short to be unhappy or to live to suit someone else's wishes so that's why we are where we are, just enjoying life and each other.

You'll recall if you read regularly that my last blog mentioned my disappointment with Facebook being unable to list me as a Widower and in a relationship. Well I haven't had a response from Facebook, not that I expected it but, it would have been nice.

Anyway, I changed my relationship status on Saturday to "In a relationship" with Jonathan. It surprised me that he did too as there are other issues for him but I was happy about it. It may not seem a big deal but it is, it's sort of publicly declaring the relationship as more than a passing fad. Now, maybe this is a difference between mature adults and teenagers but, many younger friends may change status after a second date but for me it needed to feel like more than a fling, (not that I am a 'fling' sort of guy anyway).

My change of mindset on this comes as a result of two things really. Firstly I recently posted on another widowed friends Facebook wall that "moving on doesn't mean forgetting it just means accepting", this came about as people had commented how cheery she was following the death of her husband. She has to move on, she has small children who need her love and attention but, like me, she was able to grieve for her lost future with her husband before he died. I can't explain but I hope you understand. Those who have experienced a terminal diagnosis will understand.

Secondly, I am very proud of Jonathan, he is a lovely guy and far from trying to eradicate Steve he is accepting of my situation, he never complains about anyone mentioning this guy who must seem like a hero from all the nice things people say about him. Whilst I can't deny Steve's existence and the influence he had on me I can not deny Jonathan's existence and how happy he has made me.

My relationship with Jonathan is equally as important as that with Steve but Jonathan is the present and Stephen and I can no longer be together physically so it is only right I do as I keep promising myself I will do and live for today, and, for those around me today. One of my "inspirational quotes" I have on my iPad reminds me of this and goes along the lines of, "the past is a nice place to look at but not to live in" by this I take it to mean accept and appreciate the journey you have been on. Allow it to shape your future but don't let it rule your present.

That's it I guess, that's where my blog has taken me today. I never know really when I set out where my blog will go. I just write and think with not too much thought of whether it makes sense, it's just the ramblings of me and these are just snippets of conversations I have with myself in my head.

Just thinking about other things, it's two weeks until my holiday, I still have a lot to sort, including travel insurance so these are all jobs on the mental list I have. I need to wash and pack holiday clothes but, before that I need to sort clothes for London. We are making best use of our train tickets and staying an extra two nights in London.

When I looked at the price of tickets etc the return tickets dropped in price drastically if we returned on Saturday, so much so that we were able to pay for a hotel for an extra night and return travel for just £10 more than the cost of an earlier return. It's not rocket science is it, just £10 more for an extra night away! Jonathan has been stressed and needed a break too so it's all worked out for the best. Hopefully he will return to work next week rejuvenated, inspired and fired up!

Finally, on a more sombre note this week has seen the passing of another BT Buddy, a guy with a brain tumour that Steve and I met at The Palace of Westminster when we went for the Behind The Mask exhibition in March 2011. (click here and scroll past the interviews to see Steve's mask and what he wrote about it) (Read more about his radiotherapy mask and how it was made, click here) He was a lovely lad, early 30's (like Steve) and so much to offer. It's so sad, he has left a young daughter too who will never know her Dad. I am also aware of some more BT Buddies in my wider circle too who have passed this week. It always makes me thoughtful to hear of these lives extinguished. My thoughts have been with the BTB team a lot this week, I want to help more and feel now I am in a good place I can do that more so.

Anyway that's me done, I shall email this off to myself from my iPad to my PC so I can add the pics so when I upload this later don't think I am lazy still being in bed mid afternoon, it's only 9.30am now, it's a day off work but I'm getting up, just as soon as I've had a hug and kiss from the dishy bloke beside me!

Xx M xX

A New Box! A New Rant!

I am sure many of you will look at that title and wonder... “what the hell?.....” So, here goes. Anyone that knows me now or who has known me over the years knows I have a bit of a thing for boxes. Not the cardboard variety but just nice boxes. I have special boxes for cufflinks, obviously one for jewellery and another for watches. There’s some with photos and some for photos which are in frames, (I tend to move pictures around). There are some full of trinkets and bits and some that I may not have looked in for many months but in addition to those I have memory boxes too. I say boxes as in plural as there are a few. The most recent being obviously one which has a lot of Stuff from Steve’s last 18 months or so in there. In short, I have bought a new box, I will explain.

You may or may not be a friend with me on Facebook, it doesn’t matter if you are not because I will explain. This weekend I got more than a little frustrated with Facebook. This was because I realised how very restrictive it can be. These thoughts were brought about as I looked at the pictures I had just had delivered, they were pictures Jonathan and I have taken since we have been together and there was one I had printed so I could frame it. I really like the picture and it’s a nice memory, taken just a month after we first met.

To go with this “marker” I thought it would be nice to update my relationship status to “In a relationship”, not for any other reason than I think it is quite positive to be able to show that there can be life after bereavement, for others who are facing difficult times such as I have endured and for family and friends who are, on times, afraid to comment on how “happy” you seem as they don’t want to cause offence or appear disrespectful to the lost loved one.

To me, a relationship status of “Widowed & In a relationship” would sum up exactly where I am at. Unfortunately Facebook disagrees as I can only be one or the other. Now this puts me in a quandary. I would and could never deny I am a widower but at the same time I don’t want to deny I am in a new relationship. At what point do I make the change from Widower to whatever is next? When I re-marry? When a specific period of time has passed or just when the wind is blowing in the right direction? Even when I do re-marry then surely I would still be a Widower all be it a re-married Widower? Am I holding too much emphasis on that status as the surviving spouse? I think I know the answer, I think it has to be when I am ready to make the switch.

It is true that for a period of time when first bereaved you automatically gain a certain amount of understanding, sympathy and tolerance from people around you, “Oh, he’s just lost his husband.....” etc but I am sure that fades over time as people become used to the new ‘norm’. By keeping my widowed status am I preventing others from moving on? Does this make seeing me with someone else more difficult for them? Already it’s been mentioned that getting used to saying Mark & Jonathan feels odd especially when they are used to Mark & Steve. The top and bottom of all this though is that I don’t have an answer, there is no right and no wrong. I feel truly blessed to have met Jonathan though and, even more so when I see and hear how comfortable he is with Steve and his memory. I even heard him chatting to the Cat yesterday asking her if she missed her Daddy Steve?! Clearly the cat didn’t reply she just continued to purr but I am happy that Steve seems to have become a part of Jonathan’s life too. In an odd sort of way I wish they had both been able to meet, I am sure they would have got on fantastically. My relationship status will change soon, in the meantime I have sent an email to Facebook to note my disappointment and suggest this may need re-thinking.

Back to the new box though. Because I am at this new and exciting point with Jonathan I want to enjoy it and I want to be able to look back and remember all those fun things we did together in the early days. I have bought a new leather box, it’s quite big but, I hope it will fill over the years with many tokens, scraps of paper, tickets or any and all manner of things which will probably have no monetary value just a sentimental one. I’ve started with a few ticket stubs and a photo album which I have started to fill. I’m also taking the time to add dates to the pictures as it can be tiresome to try and recall when a picture was taken. I hope Jonathan will add bits to it too as it’s as much his memory box as mine now.... It is empty and waiting to be filled in just the same way as those megabytes of web space I have waiting to be populated and the blank pages of Jonathan’s diary he has yet to fill.

So that’s it, that’s all about the new box. I will tell you a little about our weekend though before I go. Friday night was lovely, just the two of us and two cats, sat in with dinner, a few drinks, soft music and plenty of chat. On Saturday we got up and after a light breakfast headed out to meet friends for afternoon tea in Manchester. Well, as you may expect, tea led to beer which led to further beer, we stayed out for dinner though and another drink and finally left Manchester after 10.00pm. It was a lovely relaxed and spontaneous day with good company, good food and good drinks too. I am very much looking forward to doing it again. Yesterday was a busy day, we had a late start but a friend called in and met Jonathan then we headed out to see family before coming back so more friends could meet Jonathan. He is becoming somewhat of a tourist attraction, I guess it may be the bunny pictures that did it.... hmmm did I post that here? Well here goes, he will hate it but I think he looks cute!

We relaxed last night and again just sat and chatted over a few drinks. I didn’t want to get up this morning but when I did I was smiling! This was because Jonathan had got up just a few minutes before and showed me his “Alarm Clock Dance”! I have no idea how to explain this but it is suffice to say I have never seen anything like it and it’s the first time in a long time I have chuckled as I got up on a Monday morning.

Well I hope your day has been a good one and I will be back to write again soon.

xxMxx

A Happy Happy Smiley Me

Well I know it's unusual for me to write a midweek blog at the moment but right now I'm in a happy happy place and I just wanted to share that with you all.


It's been a busy week already with following up on my event from last week and a whole host of other things but early this week I thought I had this coming weekend planned and sorted but, as often is the case these plans have changed but, I'm not upset about it, I've just made different plans.

I found out yesterday that a friend has returned from what seems like a very long holiday, we don’t see each other often but, long story short, we arranged to go out tonight, nowhere posh just Ikea but it was a chance to go for a blast in the car, to chat and to just get out in the evening for a change. The evenings are getting lighter and the mornings brighter so it really feels like spring is on its way. On the way home we called into a bar in town and had a chat over a few drinks. It was lovely to sit and chat, we don’t do it often enough and we both enjoyed it. I’m already looking forward to the next time.

This weekend I'm now meeting up with another friend whom I've not seen for quite a long time but she was a friend of Steve's from many years ago and is a great laugh. We're going in search of real ale, we will do some window shopping and perhaps a shorty countryside walk too but I'm not denying that the ale is the real reason for the outing. I've not been out boozing in a daytime like that for around four years so it'll be good. I'm so excited at the thought though, it feels naughty but, I'm an adult and I can so I am!

On Sunday I've been invited out to lunch and that too will be at a pub but I'll not be drinking. I'm hoping it will be a nice day as we've planned on going for a walk in the countryside too.

All that means that I have a full week ahead. I've just noticed too that tomorrow, March 1st, is St Davids Day which is the Welsh national day. I remember from school that it meant dressing in traditional costumes and having a half day off from school. I wont we getting a half day off work tomorrow though and I wont be wearing traditional dress.

Finally, I noticed a few days ago that a lady in a forum I belong to, (it's a forum for the bereaved so this lady was a Widow), but the lady was commenting about some odd goings on at home where her iPod started to play random music but, all the tracks were sentimental to her and her late Husband. She saw this as a sign from her Hubby that it's OK to move on a little and claim back some of her life for herself.

I wondered whether I will get such signs or if I have and have just not noticed so I think this has been in my mind. Last night when I went to bed I docked my iPhone as usual and the music started up, this isn't unusual but I skipped through a few songs as they all seemed to be "Steve Songs" in that they were songs he would perform, or favourites of his, (but not of mine) so I just skipped on to something I wanted to listen to which, at the moment is generally the Wicked soundtrack.

This morning I got in the car and the first track on the radio was "It's my life" by Talk Talk now I don't know if it significant but an Ex used to refer to me as Talk Talk many years ago, Steve knew this and said it was accurate. Now was that song really a message from Steve saying I should be claiming back my life? I decided many weeks ago I should be living my life fully in honour of Steve as he cannot. Just because Cancer took his life I shouldn’t let it take mine too. Lately I have thought a lot of this, I have felt guilty that I am living my life but also like I have to for Steve. It’s difficult but, was it really a sign? Who knows?

I don't know the answer to my question but I do know I believe in fate, things happen for a reason, Steve believed this too. For weeks I have listened to CD’s on the way to work but today the radio was on in the car. Fate or coincidence? Who knows? Maybe it was a sign, maybe fate determined I should read the forum entry so the signs made sense to me, maybe fate decided I would listen to the radio today. The truth is there are signs all around us that we take for granted, signs of a brighter future, of hope and of the tomorrow we want.

Think of the Daffodils budding at the moment, we know inside the dismal bud there is a bright yellow flower just as we know beyond these patchy days there are days of bright sunshine ahead and they will come, we know they will because they always do.

Think of the snowdrops, so pure and white and delicate. They bring promises and hope of a better tomorrow. From the bleakest winter they have forced through the hardened ground and offer their delicate bloom for all to see, just a promise of the flowers and blooms that will come to us in the summer. Perhaps that's where I’ve been. Perhaps Steve’s passing and the months immediately afterwards were my winter. Cold, dark, bleak and dismal but now, as I force myself to live I am seeing my life as a snowdrop, new and fresh and just the start of a brighter future which holds all sorts of things, bright days just like the Daffodils will bring. Perhaps. Again, I don’t know this but it makes sense. Hope is all around us we just need to open our eyes to see it.

Goodnight to you, I hope you sleep well, I know I will as writing this has made me think and I realise, life is coming good again, I am happy and am happy to be happy, Why my life is like this still makes me sad (ie losing Steve), but I cant change that so I am happy for my family, for my friends and for the hope I have for the future. I am happy to smile for Steve and for myself.

Until next time xxx

WOWZERS

I know, I have turned in to Batman or Robin, well I would look as good as them in Lycra I'm sure so therefore I can say that.

Yes, I'm on a roll, (although I am not being negative when I say I don't expect it to last), this is the third good day in a row.  I have actually had a few "reflective" moments today but, they didn't turn me to a heap of wailing jelly, they made me feel warm, (and tearful) but in a nice way if that makes sense.  I have REALLY missed Steve today, he would have enjoyed the spontaneity of the day, naah not enjoyed, LOVED but, I guess I have to keep that in mind and keep going forward.

This morning I got up and tidied our bedroom, I did some washing, Steve used to do it all the time as he liked making sure the washer was busy  and I tidies our lounge.  Nothing major just putting stuff away.  I said the other day I was ready to put some stuff out of sight that had been out since the funeral and I have, theres a few things been put away, it doesn't feel like there is less of Steve here though so that is good.

After that I had a shower as the estate agent was due at 2pm.  I managed to get showered and dressed after I had done everything and was sorting some stuff out upstairs when he came.  I sorted all that out and then decided to meddle with the car as my new phone cradle and replacement button arrived for the handsfree set.  An extravagant £11 in total and it works perfectly, I am V-happy and I am now inclined to agree with Steve that maybe he has "rubbed off" on me and I am turning into a techno geek. 

Talking of Steve I thought about his this afternoon too, I was sat in the car outside the house talking to 'T' (pot)  about me and about Steve etc and there it was again, another rainbow.  'T' said that's Steve saying he's happy because I sorted the handsfree myself, I think I agree, usually I would have left it to him, not because i couldn't do it but because I couldn't be bothered and he could.  It was nice to see though and it made me smile, and this time without streams of tears down my face.  Like a bus, you wait for ages for one and then I get two rainbows in a week... BIG SMILES!

This afternoon two friends called around, J was coming anyway and I knew D was planning to come but they had evidently spoken and arrived together with D's two dogs.  I was lovely to see them.  I love dogs and would love one on the boat with me when I get it but two cats a dog and me might be a bit much.... but, never say never.

We had a coffee and had planned to go for lunch but, with doggies in tow plans were revised and we all went to D's for dinner.  It was lovely, it was they type of afternoon Steve would have loved.  No plans just deciding on the go and going with it.  Dinner was de-lish and, I wouldn't just say that but it was, good grub, good friends and good wine.... yeah forgot that bit, I had a small glass with dinner as I was driving, something I never usually do but it was lovely and, above all, it was nice to have a drink and not drink to get drunk as I guess many of us do when we are younger.

I came home and have been on the PC most of the night, not doing what I needed to but still it's been nice.  I am not going to start what I need to now as I have had a few Bacardi's now, well, two actually but they were very large ones.... oops.

I am quite excited about tomorrow oddly, my car goes back to the garage tomorrow, I say goodbye officially to the car Steve and I had and officially hello to the new one.  the new one is not as new as the old one but she is lovely, an absolute pleasure to drive, (she's put the fun back in to driving) and it is more the sort of car Steve and I would have liked, smaller, sportier and fun.  We always had big cars, when we had the 4x4 it wasn't because we wanted or needed a 4x4 but we needed the space to get out DJ kit around plus suitcases of costumes.

With the next car again, we needed the space for ferrying the kit around and with this car, a Peugeot 3008, we got it because it was practical, it could comfortably fit four people and the boot was big enough to fit a wheelchair in even if we had 4 people in the car. 

We didn't know how sick Steve would get or if he would need a wheelchair but we thought about it just in case.  Steve hated the thought of a wheelchair but was quite sensible and keen to get a car that would suit our needs whatever they may have turned out to be.  He never needed a wheelchair, with hindsight we could have got something sporty and had a more fun car but, we were being practical.  Hey though, it's not a big deal. 

I guess you can see now why I am excited about getting rid of it, it symbolised Steve being ill and us planning for that.  It wasn't a car which reflected two young(ish) guys with no children to worry about and just enjoying life.  Although Steve loved the car he hated it too because of what it symbolised and the reasons behind it's purchase.  I guess tomorrow is a significant day too, it's saying goodbye to another marker or reminder of Steve's illness and how it affected and changed our lives and how it continues to affect my life.  Today has been a good day though and if I keep thinking of the positives about the old car going and the new car meaning a cancer free life then hopefully tomorrow will be a good one too.  fingers crossed.

Well I am going to bed, it's 12.56 here now and I hope to be tucked up in bed by 1.30am .... here's hoping!

Goodnight xxx