Ramblings of me....

Well it's been over a week and I've not written but I am looking back over the week and can see nothing but smiles really. Right now I am laid in bed next to Jonathan and enjoying a late start. It was a bank holiday yesterday so we have taken the rest of the week off. I was taking a few days off anyway but am pleased Jonathan is too.


Later this week we are off to London. I have a friend who received an OBE in the new years honours list so she's invited me along too to Buckingham Palace to see The Queen awarding her medal. It will be lovely to get to go in to the Palace and see The Queen and of course to see the whole ceremony. I will write more about that later this week.

Back to last week, there isn't a lot to say really, just work is, well, just work and home is good. On Wednesday Jonathan joined us and Steve's Mum for dinner in the evening. It's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things but I think it is nice that Steve's Mum seems to get on well with Jonathan too.

I may of said it before but whilst I don't seek approval for my decisions from anyone I don't like the idea of my actions causing upset. We both understand how it may be difficult to see me with someone else, especially given the circumstances, and this goes for Jonathan too after such a long time with his ex but we are both mindful of that but, accept life is too short to be unhappy or to live to suit someone else's wishes so that's why we are where we are, just enjoying life and each other.

You'll recall if you read regularly that my last blog mentioned my disappointment with Facebook being unable to list me as a Widower and in a relationship. Well I haven't had a response from Facebook, not that I expected it but, it would have been nice.

Anyway, I changed my relationship status on Saturday to "In a relationship" with Jonathan. It surprised me that he did too as there are other issues for him but I was happy about it. It may not seem a big deal but it is, it's sort of publicly declaring the relationship as more than a passing fad. Now, maybe this is a difference between mature adults and teenagers but, many younger friends may change status after a second date but for me it needed to feel like more than a fling, (not that I am a 'fling' sort of guy anyway).

My change of mindset on this comes as a result of two things really. Firstly I recently posted on another widowed friends Facebook wall that "moving on doesn't mean forgetting it just means accepting", this came about as people had commented how cheery she was following the death of her husband. She has to move on, she has small children who need her love and attention but, like me, she was able to grieve for her lost future with her husband before he died. I can't explain but I hope you understand. Those who have experienced a terminal diagnosis will understand.

Secondly, I am very proud of Jonathan, he is a lovely guy and far from trying to eradicate Steve he is accepting of my situation, he never complains about anyone mentioning this guy who must seem like a hero from all the nice things people say about him. Whilst I can't deny Steve's existence and the influence he had on me I can not deny Jonathan's existence and how happy he has made me.

My relationship with Jonathan is equally as important as that with Steve but Jonathan is the present and Stephen and I can no longer be together physically so it is only right I do as I keep promising myself I will do and live for today, and, for those around me today. One of my "inspirational quotes" I have on my iPad reminds me of this and goes along the lines of, "the past is a nice place to look at but not to live in" by this I take it to mean accept and appreciate the journey you have been on. Allow it to shape your future but don't let it rule your present.

That's it I guess, that's where my blog has taken me today. I never know really when I set out where my blog will go. I just write and think with not too much thought of whether it makes sense, it's just the ramblings of me and these are just snippets of conversations I have with myself in my head.

Just thinking about other things, it's two weeks until my holiday, I still have a lot to sort, including travel insurance so these are all jobs on the mental list I have. I need to wash and pack holiday clothes but, before that I need to sort clothes for London. We are making best use of our train tickets and staying an extra two nights in London.

When I looked at the price of tickets etc the return tickets dropped in price drastically if we returned on Saturday, so much so that we were able to pay for a hotel for an extra night and return travel for just £10 more than the cost of an earlier return. It's not rocket science is it, just £10 more for an extra night away! Jonathan has been stressed and needed a break too so it's all worked out for the best. Hopefully he will return to work next week rejuvenated, inspired and fired up!

Finally, on a more sombre note this week has seen the passing of another BT Buddy, a guy with a brain tumour that Steve and I met at The Palace of Westminster when we went for the Behind The Mask exhibition in March 2011. (click here and scroll past the interviews to see Steve's mask and what he wrote about it) (Read more about his radiotherapy mask and how it was made, click here) He was a lovely lad, early 30's (like Steve) and so much to offer. It's so sad, he has left a young daughter too who will never know her Dad. I am also aware of some more BT Buddies in my wider circle too who have passed this week. It always makes me thoughtful to hear of these lives extinguished. My thoughts have been with the BTB team a lot this week, I want to help more and feel now I am in a good place I can do that more so.

Anyway that's me done, I shall email this off to myself from my iPad to my PC so I can add the pics so when I upload this later don't think I am lazy still being in bed mid afternoon, it's only 9.30am now, it's a day off work but I'm getting up, just as soon as I've had a hug and kiss from the dishy bloke beside me!

Xx M xX

A bad decision or a way to de-stress?

I really don't know if it was a bad decision or not.  I didn't plan to do it and I suppose even though I knew it was there and what was in it but I just did it anyway. I suppose maybe my sub conscious needed it.

I was thoughtful on Sunday morning.  I realised I needed to earn more.  This isn't through want but necessity.  As a rise at work is highly unlikely, the chances of a lottery win remote and there are no reserves to draw on then I need to work more. Life back on the road working the cabaret circuit again is not really an option, my costumes have gone and, whilst I am fortunate enough to have the skills and tools to make more I really don't want to.   I'm not sure what I'll look for but I need a part time evening and/or weekend job.  

Following on from that train of though I busied myself ironing and sorting and photographing stuff for eBay.  This, between doing chores such as sorting the washing.

It was then it caught my attention.  Steve's memory box.  It wasn't his per se but it is full of his stuff that I've put together in a nice red leather trunk since he died.  That is what I was wondering about in my opening paragraph.  

I sat on the bed and opened it.  I started to read cards he'd received when he was first admitted to hospital, that's 18 months ago now.  So many get well wishes.  Then the tears started and I couldn't stop them and, I couldn't stop reading either.   I didn't read them all, I got side tracked with photographs, photos of Steve as a child, with his Mum, his Granny, his Dad and Brother too.

I'm sure they are lovely memories for them of Steve but for me I just see the smiles and wonder what it's all about, life that is.  The smiles give no indication of the future how cruel it can be.  It's tough and there are a lot of questions.  Some people find answers in religion and others have different reasoning.  I don't need answers though but yet I still wonder why.

The picture is Steve and his Aunt.  She passed away on New Years Eve 2009 with Cancer.  Stephens Uncle was also claimed by Cancer a few months before he was born and then My Steve too.  Why do bad things happen to nice people?  Obviously I'd be biased toward Steve but his Aunt was lovely too, so warm and friendly and a real lady.  Obviously I never met his Uncle but I have no reason to suppose he was any different.  There is no answer though, these are just things that make me think.

 

After I'd shed a few tears I got on with what I needed to do and I sort of felt better. A lot less worried with a better outlook really.  I was still emotional and thoughtful but it made me realise that despite my positivity and polished facade sometimes things do still get to me.  Perhaps my guilty feelings about Mothers Day and thinking about other peoples losses was what did it.  For the most part I can hide from my own feelings but am often moved by other peoples journeys.  Still, I suppose it did me good to have a reality check.

 

Today has been a busy day, there's lots happening at work so I've been concentrating hard on the work I've been doing for most of the day.  I've enjoyed it, oddly.  Yes, I suppose deep down I am one of those people who says they would still work even if they won millions on the lottery.  I may do a different job or work in a different way but I'd struggle to do nothing for a sustained period of time.

 

Anyway, it's time for bed, reasonably early for me too.  I must be getting old!  Oh, and before I sign off please share my blog, if you got here via Facebook or Twitter please Share or Tweet.

 

Thank you and Bye for now,

M

 

 

 

 

 

  

A Happy Happy Smiley Me

Well I know it's unusual for me to write a midweek blog at the moment but right now I'm in a happy happy place and I just wanted to share that with you all.


It's been a busy week already with following up on my event from last week and a whole host of other things but early this week I thought I had this coming weekend planned and sorted but, as often is the case these plans have changed but, I'm not upset about it, I've just made different plans.

I found out yesterday that a friend has returned from what seems like a very long holiday, we don’t see each other often but, long story short, we arranged to go out tonight, nowhere posh just Ikea but it was a chance to go for a blast in the car, to chat and to just get out in the evening for a change. The evenings are getting lighter and the mornings brighter so it really feels like spring is on its way. On the way home we called into a bar in town and had a chat over a few drinks. It was lovely to sit and chat, we don’t do it often enough and we both enjoyed it. I’m already looking forward to the next time.

This weekend I'm now meeting up with another friend whom I've not seen for quite a long time but she was a friend of Steve's from many years ago and is a great laugh. We're going in search of real ale, we will do some window shopping and perhaps a shorty countryside walk too but I'm not denying that the ale is the real reason for the outing. I've not been out boozing in a daytime like that for around four years so it'll be good. I'm so excited at the thought though, it feels naughty but, I'm an adult and I can so I am!

On Sunday I've been invited out to lunch and that too will be at a pub but I'll not be drinking. I'm hoping it will be a nice day as we've planned on going for a walk in the countryside too.

All that means that I have a full week ahead. I've just noticed too that tomorrow, March 1st, is St Davids Day which is the Welsh national day. I remember from school that it meant dressing in traditional costumes and having a half day off from school. I wont we getting a half day off work tomorrow though and I wont be wearing traditional dress.

Finally, I noticed a few days ago that a lady in a forum I belong to, (it's a forum for the bereaved so this lady was a Widow), but the lady was commenting about some odd goings on at home where her iPod started to play random music but, all the tracks were sentimental to her and her late Husband. She saw this as a sign from her Hubby that it's OK to move on a little and claim back some of her life for herself.

I wondered whether I will get such signs or if I have and have just not noticed so I think this has been in my mind. Last night when I went to bed I docked my iPhone as usual and the music started up, this isn't unusual but I skipped through a few songs as they all seemed to be "Steve Songs" in that they were songs he would perform, or favourites of his, (but not of mine) so I just skipped on to something I wanted to listen to which, at the moment is generally the Wicked soundtrack.

This morning I got in the car and the first track on the radio was "It's my life" by Talk Talk now I don't know if it significant but an Ex used to refer to me as Talk Talk many years ago, Steve knew this and said it was accurate. Now was that song really a message from Steve saying I should be claiming back my life? I decided many weeks ago I should be living my life fully in honour of Steve as he cannot. Just because Cancer took his life I shouldn’t let it take mine too. Lately I have thought a lot of this, I have felt guilty that I am living my life but also like I have to for Steve. It’s difficult but, was it really a sign? Who knows?

I don't know the answer to my question but I do know I believe in fate, things happen for a reason, Steve believed this too. For weeks I have listened to CD’s on the way to work but today the radio was on in the car. Fate or coincidence? Who knows? Maybe it was a sign, maybe fate determined I should read the forum entry so the signs made sense to me, maybe fate decided I would listen to the radio today. The truth is there are signs all around us that we take for granted, signs of a brighter future, of hope and of the tomorrow we want.

Think of the Daffodils budding at the moment, we know inside the dismal bud there is a bright yellow flower just as we know beyond these patchy days there are days of bright sunshine ahead and they will come, we know they will because they always do.

Think of the snowdrops, so pure and white and delicate. They bring promises and hope of a better tomorrow. From the bleakest winter they have forced through the hardened ground and offer their delicate bloom for all to see, just a promise of the flowers and blooms that will come to us in the summer. Perhaps that's where I’ve been. Perhaps Steve’s passing and the months immediately afterwards were my winter. Cold, dark, bleak and dismal but now, as I force myself to live I am seeing my life as a snowdrop, new and fresh and just the start of a brighter future which holds all sorts of things, bright days just like the Daffodils will bring. Perhaps. Again, I don’t know this but it makes sense. Hope is all around us we just need to open our eyes to see it.

Goodnight to you, I hope you sleep well, I know I will as writing this has made me think and I realise, life is coming good again, I am happy and am happy to be happy, Why my life is like this still makes me sad (ie losing Steve), but I cant change that so I am happy for my family, for my friends and for the hope I have for the future. I am happy to smile for Steve and for myself.

Until next time xxx

New Year and beyond

Looking back new year seems to have been a long time ago.  I was so worried about it but, in the end it worked out OK.  My parents spent most of the day out and about so I was left to my own devices.  I busied myself during the day and then after a shower decided to go out for a wander.

I wanted to buy some Issey Miyake aftershave for myself.  It was a favourite of Steve and I, I wore it before Steve met me but he liked it and we wore it on our wedding day and the funeral director made sure Steve had a "squirt" once he was ready for his final performance.  It's odd but smell evokes so many memories.

I recently re read Steve's blog from last Christmas and he mentions the same then.  I bought him a fragrance which reminded me of when we first met and he bought me more of the fragrance I was wearing when we met.  Happy memories refreshed by just slight hint of fragrance.

Anyway, long story short it wasn't in the sales so I didn't bother.  I can buy it at full price anytime to I will wait a little.  I wandered through the shopping centre and didn't buy a thing.  I've lost the desire to shop, there's not a lot I need and nothing I need urgently.

I got home and relaxed with a nice cup of Earl Grey tea and then, as darkness had fallen, I wrote my letter to Stephen on a Chinese balloon lantern and then lit it and watched it float off into the night.  I was tearful but, felt so much better for doing that.

I opened a bottle of wine but, failed to drink more than two glasses.  I saw the new year in with a cup of Earl Grey.  I watched the fireworks at London on the TV and felt the "BOOM" a lot closer to home as our neighbours set off a load of fireworks.

On new years day I relaxed.  No agenda, just a whole lot of not very much and that was the same until I returned to work on 3rd January.  it was good to be back to work.  Not because I like it there but because I was just pleased to be back to normal. 

The decorations came down shortly afterwards and things have got back to how they were before.  The numbness has returned and life is as normal (or abnormal) as it was before.

I've had a bit of a thoughtful day today.  I read today about another young man who has lost his battle against a GBM, he leaves behind a wife and two children under three years old.  This disease really doesn't discriminate about age etc and doesn't care how many lives it affects it just does it's thing.

I really feel for anyone facing the diagnosis of a GBM and the more I learn about them the more I feel this.

On a different note, I learnt at New year that a dear friend of mine has been awarded an OBE in the Queen's new Year honours list, she is now Melanie Bryan OBE, read more about her here: http://www.melaniebryan.moonfruit.com/

Apart from that I don't have a lot of news, I do have a document to upload to Stephens website, http://troubleonline.co.uk/ but will do that in the next few days and write some more.  I am sure there was more I needed to write and my thoughts have been more complex than I have mentioned but right now I am in a lighter mood so I won't dwell on that for now.

I'll write soon,

xx Mark xx

Second Attempt...

Here goes with another attempt at trying to update my blog from last week, after my short blog last night I am sure you can see my frustration with technology.



Anyway, after I wrote my blog on our anniversary I went to bed, there I cried myself to sleep, I seemed to be crying for hours. I felt alone and lonely, sad the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with has gone. When we said “till death us do part” I had never realised it would come so soon after.


Saturday 15th was pretty uneventful. On Sunday 16th I was supposed to be going out with a friend, a little like the Three Kings he travelled from afar but not with Gold Frankincense and Myrrh but with White wine, Red wine and Mirth. Also, more like a Queen than a King but you get my drift. We were supposed to go and see another friend’s drag show early evening. I was fine in the morning and early afternoon but then it descended on me, like a cloud of gloom, a melancholy mood which I couldn’t shrug so, not wanting to spoil other peoples fun I decided not to go and to go for a drive instead. If I am honest the drive didn’t help but it meant I was alone and not upsetting anyone else with my miserable mug.


Monday was pretty uneventful from what I remember, just work and home as usual but, on Tuesday J arrived, I cooked and we ended up sat till the wee small hours over a few bottles of wine chatting about all sorts, mainly Steve I guess but, my friend doesn’t seem to mind, he understands as he too has lost a loved one tragically way too soon.


On Wednesday it was work as usual during the day but in the evening we hit the town, well, sort of. I got home from work, freshened up and changed as did J, we then headed in to Manchester for dinner before heading off to see Peter Kay and his Tour That Didn’t Tour Show, it was fab, a real laugh and a much needed tonic. Another friend had been bought tickets and was unable to go so they kindly asked if I’d like to go, I said yes and then decided to ask my friend to come too. It was a real giggle. If I am honest I sometimes don’t get the Peter Kay brand of humour which seems to be shout louder and repeat several times but, on Wednesday I did, he was VERY funny and we both enjoyed a good old laugh. I would like to say my laughter wasn’t tempered by thoughts of Steve but it was, I missed him a lot and we spoke of him too during the interval, Steve would however have been pleased to see us out and about. It was an unexpected but very much appreciated night out and as I have already said, a real tonic.


On Thursday we had a viewing on the house so I had to come home from work early to do the show around, she seemed interested but we have heard nothing yet so will take that she has seen somewhere else preferable. Thursday and Friday were quiet apart from that. On Friday I met with a Friend and we headed out for some retail therapy and a chat, it was nice to have a wander about. On Saturday it was much the same, I met with an old friend, we spent the whole day shopping and chatting, our coffee breaks seemed to go on forever as we sat and chatted. Even though we have not seen each other for a long while it was like we saw each other last week, we had a lovely time and again, it was a real tonic to catch up with her.


Last week I also booked tickets to go on the train to see my Sister, her hubby and some friends in November. The train journey is 5 hours but the drive would be the same, the train is cheaper though and it means I can relax on the journey and arrive fresher than if I had driven. It will be nice to see my sister again as I have not seen here since Steve’s funeral, similarly the friends I will see there too, I’ve not seen them since Steve’s funeral. I am really looking forward to it and, I will be stashing a bottle of Gin in my suitcase when I go as I think a few bevies are in order. I didn’t get to see much of them around the time of the funeral so now, five months on, I think it is about time we raised a glass or several to Stephen, to friends and to the future and whatever it may hold.


Sunday was a good day, I spent it being creative and crafty, it was nice to have some me time which was also creative time.


Yesterday was work as usual and Today I left work and headed in to town to the shops, there was something I wanted but alas, the shop is no longer stocking the item, perhaps I will revert to Amazon. Oh, that’s the other thing too, lots of people have already asked me what I want for Christmas. I can’t comment on their planning as I am also well prepared for Christmas. Instead of saying “I don’t know” I have tried to start a “Wish List” on Amazon, just search my name on Amazon and it should be there somewhere, I don’t quite know how it works but I am told it does. As my birthday comes before xmas though I have already said I want to be boring and have cash for that as there is a modification I want done to the car which the money will come in very useful for and it will be the “finishing touch” to the changes I have made so far.


Well, I think I have covered everything now, before I go though I do just want to say a huge thank you to all my friends and family for all their support. Some of you have been supportive without knowing it and others by not doing much other than just being there of making their presence felt. I really do appreciate and thank all our friends, I’d like to think they know who they are.


Friends are like stars.....

You don’t have to see them to know they are there.



Love to you all,

M x

A half week update

You seem to be getting updates every few days now.  I will eventually get back in to the swing of it I guess.  Lets start with Thursday. Firstly the same day last year had been Steves first visit to Christies hospital. Here is his blog, click here I remember the visit and I remember how nervous he was, I was too but I kept him calm.  The hospital is quite pleasant really, not like a general hospital, it felt more friendly.  Steve just accepted everything that was told to him but, on this visit we were also asked about "harvesting sperm" just in case Steve wanted children after his treatment.   We explained that gays have still not evolved into child bearing creatures, the nurse giggled and, although we understood she was asking a serious question we politely told her that children had never been a consideration for us.   Anyway, this Thursday as I said I went to see Top Hat with my Mum.  It was a good show.  Not the same as a musical but really good and Tom Chambers who was in Come Dancing played the male lead.  Top Hat was filmed in 1935 and starred Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, a classic black and White film.  Apart from anything else it was nice to go out with my Mum. Friday was an ok sort of day.  Work was  busy and stressful, I am conscious that my attention span is still less than it used to be and constant distractions from people in the office and others coming in and out of the office only distract me more so all in all it is annoying me.  I guess I will get back to how I was eventually. On the same day last year Steve had been to have the first part of his mask made for his radiotherapy treatment.  He was nervous about it as he was a little claustrophobic but I was there with him in the room which made him feel more relaxed and afterwards he said it hadn't been anywhere near as bad as he feared it might have been, see what he said click here http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/another-day-over.html Friday evening I popped to the shops, I needed to collect a gift I had order for my Sister for Christmas but when I got there it had not arrived.  I called the order line to check on dispatch date and was told it had been delivered and signed for at my home address!  There was me collecting from store and they had sent it to home.  It was there when I got in.  There's not a lot of stuff to buy now for Xmas which is good.  I might start wrapping soon... Woo! I spent Friday evening curled up on the sofa with a bottle of wine.  It was nice to chill but of course it's then that I miss having Steve around to snuggle up to. Saturday was a busy day.  I got up and relaxed for a bit then went to do my ironing ready for my next gay road trip.  As I'm travelling with friends and they have quite a small car I needed to pack smart and take as little as possible.  I think I managed ok. In the afternoon I got showered and then went out to see another friend I have not seen for some time.  It was good to catch up.  He's due to move soon so he took me to see the new place too.  It looks nice, it's a 1 bed flat but is a really good size and looks like it's in a nice quiet area.  I'll see him again when I get back. On this day last year Steve had been to Christies for an MRI scan.  I had a meeting I couldn't get out of with a friend about a bid she was submitting.  I met Steve later in the day, I remember the feeling of relief seeing him after he had been out alone for the day.  I would never have worried before but he had never had Cancer before.  Here's his blog http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/today-has-been-good-day.html It was tough for me to adjust to the realisation I couldn't wrap Steve in cotton wool and protect him.  I am not sure he ever realised how tough it was to do but I did it.  I hope he didn't notice how much i worried, if he did though he didn't let on.  I vehemently defended his independence when others told him he can't or shouldn't and I know he did appreciate that.  He wanted to live his life as normal as possible, that was truly inspirational to me and many others. Last night, after visiting my friend I popped to the supermarket and picked up a few bits before heading home.  I made a delicious meal and supped a bottle of wine watching X  Factor and meddling with my iPad.  I trundled off to bed at a reasonable time, well, just before 1am.   This morning I got up, packed my bag, bundled my eBay stuff ready to go tomorrow, got ready, had breakfast and waited to be collected.  We set off around 10.30 for our big gay road trip to Wales. Steve and I booked this trip in February for us and two friends.  It was a gift for them for birthday and wedding anniversary, we are staying in the centre of Cardiff for 5 nights and head home on Friday 14th.  For Steve and I it was a chance to be tourists as well as for me to meet up with some old friends. The reason we wanted to head home on 14th was because it is our wedding anniversary.  This year would have been our 5th.  We were planning on booking in to a hotel nearer to home for 14th and 15th so we had some time out alone.... Instead I will just be alone. This is the last trip I need to make that Steve and I had planned together.  The only other things I still have left to do that were planned with Steve is wrap and deliver the Christmas presents we had already bought.  Steve never stopped looking forward and planning for our future, he and we lived every minute of his last nine months from diagnosis to death to the best we could. I have read Steve's blog again this morning from this day last year, t seems we had a lie in last year, not this year though, here's what he had to say about this day last year, http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/sleeping-in.html Right now I'm sat in the car typing this.  I like not driving, it means I can make more use of my travel time!  Hope to catch you soon, Mark x

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, Cry and you get wet...

Firstly here is Steve's blog entry for this day lats year, (Click Here) Sorry if you don't want to see what he wrote last year but right now there are a lot of anniversaries and I think seeing how Steve was 12 months ago really puts things into context.  Remember he was the one living with a death sentence, not me but, despite that he has given me (and may readers of his blog who messaged privately), inspiration and strength to carry on.

I am still reminded every day about the positive impact Steve has had on my life, I love him so much for that.  He has shown me happiness I never imagined but he has also introduced me to friends I may never have known, to their love which I may never have felt and has helped me realise my own strength of character which I never knew existed.

Today has been an OK sort of day.  I don't mention work much not because it is good, bad or indifferent but because they monitor and read my posts.  I know how I feel about that and I am sure each person reading will have views too but this blog is not about them or where I work etc it is about me, for once it is all about me.  Well, not really, Steve features greatly too.

On a personal note I have had a reasonable few days.  I have made contact with some old friends, made some new ones and generally I feel I am slowly re-constructing a life around myself.  I don't think a lottery win would make it happen sooner but the £100M Euromillions jackpot on Friday would be fab, there are so many charities I would help, I reckon I could "lose" half at least and not miss it.

Tomorrow night I may not get to blog, I am off to the theatre with Mother to see "Top Hat".  I saw it advertised some time ago, I mentioned it to a friend and we said it would be nice to go but never got around to booking.  Mother mentioned it last week so I managed to get tickets earlier this week.  Feathers, Sequins, Tailcoats and Top Hats  reminds me of Steve and I or, should I say, Enid and Bobbie....

Looking at this picture though has reminded me of another "Tailcoat and Top Hat" picture...

There aren't any better ones of the two of us in this garb but again seeing the corset reminded me of another occasion we wore the corsets

This was MANY years ago for a friend's 40th Birthday, the birthday "boy" is in the middle

There are SO many happy memories crammed in to the relatively short time we were together and each and every one makes me smile.  Today, or rather, this evening, has made me smile a lot.  Chatting to a friend this evening too has made me smile.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Steve is showing me the way, guiding me toward happier times. Thank you Steve, Thank you family, Thank you friends.

Goodnight for now xxxx Mark xxxx

The first day of the rest of his life...

Thats what this day last year was for Steve, he was determined to live his life to the fullest and that commenced on October 4th.  It was a good day for him, read his blog, (Click here)

The story that fits around this though highlights how happy he actually was on that day.  For as long as I had known Steve he had never been able to find his birth certificate.  He knew it was safe somewhere but he had no idea where, even though he had searched for it many times.

When I returned from work on 4th October 2010 Steve was VERY excited.  "I've had a sign" he said.  I had no idea what he was on about but he explained.

Whilst sorting through some papers, getting rid of the old stuff and making way for his new life he found his Birth Certificate.  It had been missing for years and there it was, amongst some old papers.  He waved his certicficate at me and was SO pleased.  It really was the first day of the rest of his life. 

He died just 9 months later.  Someone pointed out to me around the time of the funeral that it takes 9 months for a child to be born from conception, (I did go to biology lessons but some people like to remind us of the obvious), perhaps the nine months from finding his certificate was significant of a new start and a new life in a better place.  Who knows?

I know I am still missing him a huge amount, I manage to smile and function as a member of society and as a member of the workplace, functioning as a son, a brother, a friend and a colleague but, it is just that, functioning.  I'm getting used to it though.  I accept my life may never feel "whole" again.

I chatted tonight with a friend about someone we care about.  In a similar situation to me but being judged for grasping at happiness and dating.  It wasn't planned but, being judged for being human and acknowledging feelings  is wrong.  I might be in a similar position one day.  I am not looking for anyone else but I also know fate will deliver whatever it has planned for me.  I just hope in the meantime that Steve can influence the "chosen one".  Either way I am sure there will be plenty said behind my back and less said to my face.  Lets just see what happens eh.....

Goodnight for now xxx

Help! Please......

If you are a regular reader you will know Steve's friend and colleague, Andrew, has just taken part in The Great North Run in aid of Christies Hospital in memory of Stephen. 

He set a £500 target and is VERY close to this, please please please if you can spare a few pounds please sponsor him to help him reach his target.  He has done fantastically well and Steve would be VERY proud of him and that he has done the run in Steve's name. 

Andrew is not an athlete so this really has been an achievement for him.  Well done Andrew and please help if you can by following this link: http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85

I have been reading Steves blog lately from last year.  Much of it is familiar to me and the significant dates seem to be etchen in my mind.  This time last year Steve was worrying about his forthcoming surgery, here's what he had to say about it: http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/09/update.html

Those days are clear in my mind but, Steve's positive attitude bewildered me.  I didn't understand but, I  could not make any criticism.  He was offered a chance to help beat this disease and he grabbed it with both hands.  Think about that as you wonder whether it is worth forsaking the last few tablets on your course of anti biotics in favour of a night out or a few glasses of wine. 

If you are offered a chance, whether that is of health or otherwise then take it.  Some people don't get chances or choices so use yours wisely.

On learning of his diagnosis Steve stopped drinking alcohol.  there were a few exceptions but few enough to count on one hand and even then at most he would have one or two glasses and no more.  Sat here with a glass of wine I feel guilty.  Not guilty enough to stop but I am conscious of the differences. 

I still miss Steve with every breath I take, every spare moment is consumed with thoughts of him and wishing he could be here.  Another hug, another kiss even another night of him stealing the duvet.  There is nothing I wouldn't give just to have that one more time.

Tomorrow after work I am driving north to help a friend for a few days. It will be an interesting time I think as I know I am likely to meet some other people dealing with the same Cancer Steve had, a Glioblastoma Multiforme.

The timing is rubbish as this is a month of anniversaries but I doubt there would ever be a "good time" but, best foot forward and all that.

I'm signing off now to go and iron some clothes.  I hope to update again in the next few days but don't be alarmed if I don't.

Bye for now xxx
M x

Am I "really" being selfish?

Before I even start this blog I know it will be a bit of a ramble. I have so many thoughts in my mind that I just need to release them all and then see what’s in there. Not sure if that makes sense but I am being selfish for now and this blog is for me. It’s been a tough week and I need the outlet right now.


Firstly I was reminded by a friend last night about the consultant’s analogy when he diagnosed a “cystic tumour”. He said right now they have just a picture of the tumour, much like an aerial photograph from a plane. They can see the factory (tumour) but they can’t see what that factory makes, i.e. they don’t know if it in benign or cancerous cells being produced.

We bought in to that explanation as it seemed simple and plausible. The consultant might have told us what sort of factory it “appears” to be but he didn’t. This isn’t a criticism at all, the consultant was great and Steve almost immediately bought in to him. He was an older gent, much like a granddad; although too young to be Steve’s granddad he had a friendly face and a nice disposition.

Once Steve’s tumour had been identified, in location and size really as we still didn’t have a name. He chose to give it a name. He called it Clive. Clive the clump and, September 22nd would be Clive’s eviction day. Big Sista, (Steve) had decided it would be evicted from the Big Bruvva house.

Steve’s humour was not appreciated by all. Some thought him disrespectful to not take his condition seriously. Steve and I always joked about his tumour, that’s because that the way he wanted it. He figured in much the same way as the monster under your bed (you imagine as a child), is less scary when you picture it wearing bunny ears and a pink tutu by Steve mocking his tumour then it could not harm him.

Even though Steve is no longer with us I still like to think his tumour didn’t get the better of him. It didn’t rob him of his dignity and, I only have good memories of Steve. I reckon most, if not all, of his family and friends also have good memories as none of them saw him “ill”. He carried on regardless. I knew he was struggling. Struggling to stay awake, struggling to keep on walking or talking or being sociable but, Steve NEVER gave in to it. He would not allow it.

When we went to Scotland in April for his birthday he found the constant walking and sightseeing tiresome and difficult. He never let on. Not to our friends anyway. I knew because I knew Steve but he masked it well. Sometimes I wish he hadn’t. Would we have taken it more slowly if he had been honest? Probably. And that is what Steve DIDNT want. He wanted to be “normal” so he kept quiet and I supported his choice.

The same with work. He wanted to be “normal”. On the Friday before he died he “worked from home” as usual. Just 5 days later he was dead. Nobody understood his desire to work and maintain a routine. I did. He didn’t want to let go of the life he loved and never for one minute did he believe that Cancer would win.

Cancer hasn’t won. Because he didn’t deteriorate or become bedbound he will always remain young and vibrant, happy and cheerful. Even on the Sunday, before he died on Wednesday, he joked with a friend (G) and was happy and positive. He was the last friend really to see Steve “well”.

Re-reading that last paragraph is difficult through the tears but that, I suppose, is why things have been so tough. Steve was never “ill”, he became a little poorly and then died. All within days.

Steve “evicting” his tumour was typical of him. Dumb it down so people didn’t worry. He was petrified, (and so was I) but he never let on to anyone.

I received a phone call today from Steve’s Macmillan nurse, she asked how I was. It took me by surprise but, it was lovely to hear from her. She really cheered Steve up and, although he wasn’t in constant contact with her she remembered him when we saw her at Christies Hospital in the corridor and she made a hugely positive impact on Steve. Just being herself. She is a lovely person and SO easy to speak to. I can’t sing her praises highly enough and, on top of all that she came to Steve’s funeral. She didn’t need to and I wouldn’t have thought any less of her if she didn’t but she came. I owe her a HUGE hug when I see her next.

The phone call was lovely and it turns out she has been meaning to call for a while. I know that feeling, I have been “meaning” to message a few of our friends for a while and have even promised to go for coffee with a few but have not got to do that yet. I have not forgotten but I don’t want to inflict my melancholy on them. Some friends just get that from me anyway although I would prefer them not to, sometimes it is impossible to avoid.

Moving on, forward, upward, positively, all “good” words to make me feel better, I received a text from a friend this week to ask about meeting up this weekend. It was unexpected but VERY much appreciated. I have had lots of offers over the past weeks and months and I love all of our friends for that but I guess it’s just “pot luck” at the moment if they catch me on a good day or bad. If it’s a good day and I say yes then I tend to not go back on that. On a bad day I’d probably decline an invitation, even though I know I run the risk of not being asked again. I just hope people understand that I am trying. I WANT to feel happy but sometimes my heart, sometimes my head and sometimes both say NO!

Fortunately right not I feel the bad days are getting fewer or not quite as deep. The good days have not increased proportionately but, I am now experiencing “neutral” days. That’s a bonus. The “happy” medium between both ends of the scale.

Well, for now that’s about it. I do have loads more swimming around in my head but I guess that’s enough for now.

Love to you, whoever and wherever you are, I know you care because you are reading. I care that you care enough to spend your time reading. Thank you, sending big hugs xxx

Mark x

A way forward

Thats where I am at right now, looking for a way forward.  Looking for that elusive new norm.  Today has been a mixed day.  An interesting meeting today has left me with a lot of mixed emotions and feeling "on edge" about a lot of things.  All adding to my stress levels.  I'm trying not to dwell on it because I can't afford to let the stress get to me.

In many ways the past 12 months have served to make me stronger.  In many other ways they have highlighted my vulnerability.

After Steve's initial diagnosis I recall going out for dinner with his parents and his Uncle.  The same Uncle that told him he could stand up and fight his cancer or he could pull the duvet over his head and give in to it.  He told us how he was now bullet proof.

We didn't really understand but, as he had lost his Wife to cancer just 9 months previously he explained how the worse thing he could ever imagine or fear had now happened so, whatever else came his way would not be difficult to deal with. 

I understand that now as I have lived through and continue to live in my worse nightmare.  Being single per'se is not a nightmare, I have been single before and had a very happy and fulfilled life thank you very much.  The nightmare comes in that I have lost my soulmate, lost whilst we were very much still in love with each other, lost whilst we were still in our idealistic honeymoon phase.

There seems to be no let up to my grief at the moment.  It creeps up and surprises me at the most inconvenient time.  This morning driving to work I heard the song "Time to say goodbye", it set me off.  it's not a song Steve and I identified with but as soon as it started it too me to the crematorium, stood in front of Steve's coffin with his picture smiling back at me.  I stopped tocompose myself.  I ended up being about 2 minutes late for work.  Not a huge issue but persoanlly frustrating that this had happened.  It was a bright morning and I was in a good mood.

I considered earlier today the difference in how I feel, how well I feel I am coping, how well friends think I am coping and how "others" feel I am coping.  I am not really bothered about other peoples opinions of how I  am managing.  I feel I have made a lot of progress, it's still less than three months since Steve died.  Seeing the news reports yesterday of the 9/11 memorials and how emotional and upset those families still are after ten years of grieving made me realise my loss and how that makes me feel will be with me for the rest of my life.  When people say, "so you're feeling better now?" or as my Aunt said last week, "Oh so you're over it all now" I get angry but, I hope they have seen the reports from yesterday and have realised that grief does not respond to timescales or deadlines.  My life has now been changed forever as have as those of Stephen's many friends, as the song says, he has left a handprint on my heart, I am sure there are many other hearts wearing the same print http://animoto.com/play/GkTXS6BMWsRca25Z4Ix1tw

Overall I still feel I am moving forward and making progress, there are good parts of most days and tough parts of every day but all in all I am getting there, wherever "there" may be.  Tomorrow I have a productive day planned at work, theres a lot of ideas swimming around in my head, they seem to be coming back slowly but surely and I am looking forward to getting back "up to speed".  That doesn't mean forgetting Steve, it just means learning to live in my new situation.

Thats it for tonight, early to bed as tomorrow is a work day.  Early to bed doesn't mean sleeping though, I'm still not conquering the whole sleep thing but, at least being in bed I am showing willing.

Goodnight xxx

I still hate weekends.....

I missed a day, sorry.  I ended up chatting on the phone for about 3 hours until 2ish this morning and after that it was shower and bed.

Yesterday I went back to work.  It was ok I suppose, well really it was more chaotic than anything but interesting too.  I guess I am adjusting to how the place runs now as I have been away so long there are now three people sort of doing my old job but there is still loads for me to do.  It is actually a relief to have the help of those other people.  It was needed a long time ago but I am just appreciative of it being there now.

Last night I busied myself tidying around as someone was due to view the house today.  Some friends called around after their holiday.  It was nice to see them.  We chatted for a while and also spoke about my 'holiday' too, I explained a little how tough it was.  As I said though, words can't explain how it feels.

Oddly, they are the same friends that called around last year on Steve's second day in hospital, I was so upset at facing another night without Steve, again it is too difficult to explain, I drowned my sorrow by drinking more than half a bottle of Southern Comfort, no mixer, I just wanted alcohol to block out how I felt. 
It's strange but, since Steve died I have avoided all but the smallest amount of alcohol.  I know I am afraid of what it will do, I don't want to unlock those thoughts or emotions which are safely secured away and I know alcohol will loosen the bonds that hold those thoughts safe and sound.

After spending most of the night on the phone I showered and went to bed. It was as tough last night as it was a year ago, in fact tougher I guess.  Last year I knew Steve was safe and sound at hospital, this year I know he's dead.

Today I got up and sorted my stuff out and got easy for the viewing.  The prospective buyers came and had a look but I have no idea whether they liked it or not, I suppose time will tell.

 This afternoon I did some shopping then came home and did some cooking, I experimented with a few things and made a lovely meal for myself.  Oddly just cooking upset me.  Usually I would so this for Steve and I, inflicting new flavours and concoctions on him.  It's not so much fun cooking for one or not sharing these new flavours with someone special.

Right now I feel pretty shitty, it's been a tough night for a few reasons.  I think early to bed is the solution, the sooner I got to sleep the sooner it is a new day and a new start.

Not sure what tomorrow will bring, maybe I need some time out on my own.  I don't know but will decide tomorrow.

Goodnight x

and so the journey began...

that's where I am at, exactly twelve months since Steve was sent to the eye hospital following a routine eye test.  Following his eye test on 5th September he saw his own doctor on the morning of 7th September and he referred Steve to the eye hospital in the afternoon.  His appointment was at 2pm and I took him to the hospital despite him insisting he would be fine to go on his motorbike.

The department closed at 6pm but Steve and I were still there at 6.15pm whilst they booked him in for an MRI scan to following day.

We went home and discussed the days events but didn't worry too much.  I say that but what I mean is we didn't discuss it much.  Steve said he was worried, (as was I), but didn't see the point in getting stressed because at this point we had no idea what we would be worrying about.  We were to find out all too soon.

A year on and I have been sat here alone all day.  I have done quite a lot of work really.  Letters prepared to be sent to tie up some loose ends with Stephens affairs, there is still more to do but I felt in a work like mood today and it has also been the first day I have felt able to face some of the stuff I have had to deal with.

Steve rarely took the ostrich approach, (burying your head in the sand), and I encouraged him to face up to the things he would prefer to avoid.  He learned well and also encouraged me to do the things I put off till last minute.  I have been putting a lot of things off since he died i guess though last week's reality check, being alone on the trip we had planned together has really given me a kick up the arse.

Stephen is dead.  There is nothing I can do about it.  I know crying wont help, wishing and hoping doesn't help, in fact nothing does because I have tried. 

I learned today of a little boy called Ashley.  He died this day last year.  I have seen his picture and he is such a cute kid, that makes it all the more difficult.  He was just 8 when he died.  Its not fair is it.  It's stories like that which remind me that my pain is similar to the pain many people the world over are sharing because of one small six letter word, a small word with huge implications. Cancer.

It's because of that small but disproportionately huge word that Andrew is running for Steve and for Christies in a few weeks, I have sponsored him, can you? http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85 every penny will help.

I think whilst we are all safe and sound in our own homes with our loved ones around us we forget about other peoples suffering.  Remember, cancer does not discriminate over age, race, religion, sex or sexuality.  Cancer wont care if you have thousands of pounds in the bank or just a few pennies, no matter how much is in there though you cant spend that money when you're dead.

Steve and I worked hard.  We worked all week in our day jobs and almost all weekend performing and entertaining others.  We spread a lot of happiness, joy and laughter around the country, we earned a few quid too but what good was it?  We worked and worked and worked, last year it was for our holiday in November.  Three weeks in India.  We never got there. 

Cancer stopped our plans.  Our holiday was cancelled, our money lost and days on the beach or sightseeing were replaced with hospital waiting rooms and the radiotherapy suite at Christies Hospital.  I don't know if I will ever be able to go to India to see the things Steve wanted to see, I would love to but, I realise that is is not important anymore.  The most important thing to me is no longer here.

I don't want to drag the soap box out but spare a moment.  How would you feel without your closest loved one around you?  If they had cancer would you be wishing someone had found a cure or would you feel proud that you helped do as much as possible to fight this killer?  None of us can find a cure on our own but we can join together as one voice and support those who aim to help others.

One in three of us will be affected by cancer in our lives that's for sure but, what isn't sure is which one of us it will be.

Spare a thought for Ashley's family tonight, snatched from them at just 8 years old just one year ago and please remember that any support you are able to provide is VERY much appreciated by each and every family who have lost a loved one to cancer.

Goodnight xxx

Some good, some bad some better...

There seems to be so much to say, maybe not to say but so much going on in my head right now. Firstly, and most importantly, I want to say a huge THANK YOU publicly to all my friends, (and yeah, I include family in that too), I’m not going to say there is too many to list as there isn’t but, I don’t want to list people and forget someone so it’s just thank you to all OUR friends as they/you have all been great in the past few weeks and months to me and to Steve when he was alive. As you know we lost a few friends along the way, that wasn’t a bad thing, they hurt Steve and I’m relieved to not have to deal with them anymore, I realise now that they were not really friends.


Moving on, I mentioned yesterday I was planning to go in to work today. I did. I felt so stressed and nervous and not for any good reason really. I knew where I was going and the people I would see there. I can’t say I’m glad I went in as I still don’t feel “right” in myself. I guess as well as feeling vulnerable I feel I am volatile too. I’m not going in tomorrow but am planning on popping in on Thursday. I still feel I am being pushed more than encouraged but I suppose only time will tell where it ends up. I guess for now I just have to see what happens next.

On returning home I motivated myself to speak to the bank. I can honestly say I have never had a less pleasant conversation with anyone else since Steve died. She might as well have said “I don’t give a toss that your husband is dead”, she didn’t, but it would have been less offensive. That’s just another thing that I will need to sort in time.

The other thing that has been on my mind for much of the day today is a “dream” I had this morning. I say dream, in inverted commas as it felt like more than a dream, more of an experience. I know some will dismiss my ramblings as silly, some as nonsense and others may be intrigued but to be honest I really am not bothered about other people’s opinion.

Basically in my dream this morning I had what seemed like a lengthy discussion with Steve. He was lying behind me in bed with his arms around me and held me as I had done with him many many times before. I was cold, (which in itself is odd with a feather quilt and a fleecy throw on the bed) and he was trying to warm me.

I asked him if he was OK and whether he was happy and he seemed so. There were some things he couldn’t articulate and I couldn’t really fully grasp what he meant. The experience seemed to last for some time but it felt very real.

As I said more than a dream, so much so when I woke at 6.39AM I grasped at the space behind me to feel if Steve was there. Of course he wasn’t but, for a few seconds I was puzzled as to where he was.

Far from that being distressing or worrying it wasn’t, it was strangely comforting, more than comforting it was nice.

I don’t know why last night as opposed to any other and I don’t know if it was actually ‘just’ a dream but right now I don’t need an explanation, I just accept it.

I could ramble on some more but I am going to go to bed instead so will sign off. Hope to see you here again soon

Xx Mark xX

Robbed!

I have just had an exchange of texts with a friend and it has made me realise something quite strange and I will share it with you.

Even though it was Stephen who was diagnosed with Cancer last September and his fight with it ended in June of this year my fight with Cancer is continuing. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have not been diagnosed with Cancer and as far as I am aware I am well, apart from being overweight and not exercising enough I reckon I am OK but, my life is still being ruled by Cancer.

Simple things which I used to take for granted now take some consideration.  The thought of doing them makes me feel sick.  It’s difficult to explain but, what has triggered me off on this train of thought tonight is work, (again).

I received an email from them, basically letting me know what’s going on in work and asking me to go in at some point.  All that seems fair enough but the line “...it needs to start one way or the other”, has really got to me.  Yeah, I do need to go back to work, I know that, as I said before bills still need paying and you don’t get a cash windfall when your partner dies but I feel like I am being goaded in to work, like I have to succumb to their might.  In reality I have to, I have no choice and it tears me apart inside. 

What hurts more is what feels like a complete apathy toward my loss.  Yeah the words are right, but they are empty, they are regurgitated text book stuff because that’s what the HR handbook says they should say.  Maybe one day they will understand but, how many people will be made to feel like this before they do.

Cancer though is still making my life horrible.  Cancer has made me like this because Cancer is what caused Steve’s death. 

I shared something with my friend tonight which I had not considered before but, something she said crystallised the whole thing for me. 

Cancer has, in part, robbed me of my confidence.  I feel stupid at the thought but I feel it is true.  I used to be outgoing and cheerful etc but now I am not.  I plan to avoid busy places.  I go to the shop when it is quietest, I avoid people and situations and I also avoid the phone, not friends but I avoid paperwork type stuff, car insurance was done online to avoid speaking to people and telephone banking sends a shiver down my spine.

Before Steve died nothing bothered me, being alone they do, it sounds feeble, lame even but, that’s it, Cancer has changed me, changed me a lot. 

I will go in to the office tomorrow, the thought is making me feel sick and I feel strangely nervous, perhaps a little like the first day of school but I need to do it.  As I said I have no choice.  Cancer does that you know, it takes choices away. 

Cancer took Steve’s choices away and he hated that.  It took our choice to have a holiday away and it took our choice to socialise and lead a normal life away.

We lead as normal a life as possible but, we were stopped from doing things, seeing people and being carefree by limitations caused by medication, treatment, fatigue, infection risk and good old common sense.

I guess I ought to stop there, there is so much more to say but it won’t be beneficial to take the lid off those boxes and unleash the contents here so, until tomorrow.......

Goodnight,
Mark

A busy day....

Here I am again, it must be 'that' time of night.  Its odd you know as I always used to remind Steve to do his blog before bed, most times he would and only sometimes he would say he didn't want to, when I reminded him about "his readers" he often just got on and wrote it.  On the whole though he was very good, sometimes even doing a few in the day or starting it in the day and adding to it as the day went on.  I cant do that. The time Steve used for his mini updates was usually when I was driving, I'm driving so therefore cant. 

Today has been a busy sort of day.  I got up early and did a bit of stuff for work. I sent a few emails too sort of explaining my disappearance to a few people, I think they will understand, well, those that actually noticed I've not been around.

After that I was on a 'Steve mission'.  I ordered a keyring for myself a few weeks ago, a late night eBay shopping spree, basically a small vial or tube to put some of Steve's ashes in and keep in your pocket etc. There is it in blue with my keys.

They are made from aluninium so are very durable and, don't worry, I have superglued the screw top shut, just in case!  The idea came to me after I recalled a friend has something similar on his keys in which he has a recreational drug, for emergency use.  Nothing sinister, just a Viagra... I have no idea, (and no desire to establish), whether it is his own prescription or acquired via another source.  A great idea I thought (and no, I won't say who).

Anyway, I showed his Mum and she liked them so we ordered more.  Well, it was my job to fill them today, and yes, again I glued the lids on!  I delivered them to her tonight, she's happy with them and his Dad is happy with his too so thats all good.

I spent the evening with Steve's parents, really just talking about Steve.  It was good to chat.  It's really the first time I have had a chance to speak to his Dad properly since the funeral.  He seems well and, even though I know he is still hurting from the loss too; he seems to have adjusted pretty well.  We spoke about all sorts including the legacy Steve wanted to leave, as I said, it was good to talk.

On returning home this evening I have done very little, I chatted to my Mum for a bit and have since been sat here at the PC.  I think bed is calling soon.  I have loads I want to do tomorrow.  The days just whizz past.

All in all it's not been a bad day.  I'm missing Steve loads right now though.  Being in Oldham today, somewhere I have only ever been with Steve before, (not least because I /We had no reason to go there other than to see his family),  it has been like a series of pin pricks, just small jabs at my sub conscious I guess, or like a child tugging at your trouser leg, just a nagging reminder.

To say I am "missing him" is not expressive enough, I'm not going to try tonight either.  I'm off to bed, it's cold and lonely without Steve there but I'm getting used to it.  Also, in addition to my thick feather duvet  I have a fleece throw on the bed too, I don't seem to be able to get warm enough in bed.  We used to just have a sheet, even in deepest winter as Steve and I were always warm.... like I said though, I'm getting used to it.

Goodnight x

Must try harder...

Yes I have done my thousand lines saying “I must try harder to blog daily”. Maybe it will work who knows but I am not going to stress about it. I am trying not to stress about a lot of stuff lately but I don’t always win but I always try.

Since I wrote last not a lot has changed, I am sure lots has happened but nothing has changed much. The whole of last week seems a blur really, I am not sure if that’s a good or bad thing but it just is what it is.

On Tuesday Steve’s mum visited as usual, she told me about wanting to throw a party for Steve’s 33rd birthday next year. I’m not convinced. Steve wanted a 33rd birthday party as it would have been significant. Significant because it would mark one month more than the max 18 month prognosis he was given. To have his party without him there seems to me to be rubbing salt into the wound, it would be confirming the doctors right as in he wouldn’t live beyond 18 months, in reality he only just scraped through 9 months. I’m not sure what will happen on that, it’s not for me to say, I’m not comfortable with a party per se but then I don’t have to go. I had planned however to go to a little hotel we found via a recommendation H gave to us, it’s a fun and quirky place, (a bit like Steve) so I might just take myself off there with a few people to drink a quiet toast to Steve, the place is called La Rosa Hotel in Whitby, http://www.larosa.co.uk/hotel/index.html it seems like fun.

On Friday the people from work came to see me again. It is so stressful when they come. I don’t know why, I don’t even understand why but it just is. I want to go back to work but right now the thought of it makes my stomach churn. I guess in part I am concerned that if I go back too soon I could have a meltdown at a wholly inappropriate time or snap at someone I ought not to and end up doing myself and work a dis-service. I am not sure they understand that fully but, I have logged on to my work email today from home to see what’s there.

I didn’t get much work done, because I have over 1200 emails to sort through my mailbox is majorly over limit so I had to wade through some old stuff and delete that first to sort of free up some space. I read a few emails though, I got before I left on the Friday before Steve died, ready for me to sort on the Monday and then a few in the following week where life went on regardless of him lying dying in an intensive care unit.

It felt odd, almost like it was me that had died. I felt like I did when I sorted through Steve’s stuff, almost like trespassing or spying, and these are MY emails.... I logged off after a while; it was making me feel sick so I thought it best to leave it for now.

When people used to say to me “Oh it made me feel sick” I thought it always referred to more of a psychological thing as opposed to a physical symptom but, lately I have come to realise that physical sick feeling exists and it has become all too common in recent weeks and months.

This weekend I have avoided people mainly. Saturday I went out for a run in the car, I went to look at a craft shop, it was stupidly expensive and no real great ideas there. I drove around for a bit but came home not spending any money and having not spoken to anyone. Just the way I wanted it I guess.

Yesterday was a little more positive. I spent the whole day in the garage sorting stuff out. It had become our dressing room whilst we were performing, costumes and props etc all over the place but now it is just full of all sorts. Some of the stuff is things we bought months ago, for new hobbies or ideas we had, they still need to be done and I will do eventually but, there is also a lot of old stage props and bits of costumes out there which need sorting too. I did sort quite a bit though, some useable stuff sidelined for a friend who also performs and makes his own costumes as he can make good use of the stuff there and other bits sidelined for other people too.

I also binned a lot of stuff, costumes and props etc which would have continued to be fine for Steve and to use but no good to anyone else or to sell. I threw hundreds of pounds worth of advertising literature in the bin too, sad but they all had Steve’s number on and as they are for “Trouble” then there will be no future need for them either. It’s sad to see all that money wasted.

In the garage too was all Steve’s coursework for the management course he did last year before he got sick and the current stuff he had been working on when he had to stop work. It was so difficult going through that stuff. Every piece of paper was like a little pin prick to my heart as almost every page had his name on, just seeing his name in print so many times in quick succession sort of took the wind out of my sails. I have decided though. I have kept some of the documents, his certificates and some feedback from others about him, (it’s nice to see how much his staff thought of him), and I have decided the rest will be shredded and made into paper bricks for the fire when we move to a boat. Steve would approve of the “green-ness” of it. Turning unwanted paper into fuel to heat the boat.

The boat at the moment seems to be a million miles away, we haven’t got a buyer for the house yet, I think we will reduce the price further in the coming weeks. I think we all just want out and a fresh start. I really think this house though; being so close to the hospital would make a great house for a developer or for a landlord. With five bedrooms, (potentially a sixth or seventh if one of the lounges and the attic were converted), then this would be great to let out to nurses or young doctors working at the teaching hospital at the end of our road. Each room could be let out for £500 ish a month and the mortgage would only be around £1,000 even if a tiny deposit was paid so there is decent potential for profit if someone has the right approach. I know it is something we could look at too but, Steve and I had just planned to sever ties with the house so that’s what I will do as apart from Steve dying, nothing else has changed.

Anyway, after spending the majority of the day outside, (or at least till 7pm ish). I then came in and cooked some food for myself then went and ironed the bed linen I had washed and dried yesterday. I cleaned and vac’d the bedroom and put the fresh linen on then shower and snuggle in my dressing gown watching an old film, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Adventures_of_Priscilla,_Queen_of_the_Desert it is a great feel good film and Steve and I would always enjoy a Sunday evening with a film. Well, by the time I had done everything it was 10.30 before I got to start the film but I enjoyed it.

I have been thinking today though how bad I have been lately in keeping in touch with people. I have hardly spoken to anyone for a few weeks. I really ought to make more of an effort and I will, just as soon as I can.

I’m going to sign off for now, I might do a further update later but maybe not. I know I posted an update here over the weekend too, I hope you liked it, http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-can-it-be.html I saw it whilst online and it really made me think. I still miss Steve more and more with each passing minute. It’s not getting easier to deal with but I suppose I am getting more used to how it feels. Difficult to explain but I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.

Until next time xxx Mark xxx

A day of thinking

This has not been a bad thing, the thinking has all been about someone. Else's project, someone elsess business idea and someone else's headache and excitement really but, let's start with yesterday.

As you know weekends have really been the toughest part of the week for me, those were the times Steve and I would find fun and interesting things to do, sometimes just shopping or doing nothing but it was with steve so being without him has made then extremely hard.

Yesterday I got up and wondered what to do. I looked at the weather and it was raining so a day out with the camera seemed off limits so I pondered, all this before getting out of bed.

I finally got up and decided I would have a day being creative, I decided some sewing was in order. I finally settled on making a handbag for a friend. It's. Up cycled (new word for recycled) from all sorts of stuff but I spent the largest part of the day on it. It was good distraction therapy because whilst I did think about steve I was too busy to get emotional. It was good therapy really. After that I made a necklace and did a few other things too so all in all a. Very creative day. I spent some time online last night but nothing to speak of so it was off to bed at a reasonable time.

Today I got up and phoned work because they had asked me to call today, I sorted a few other things then showered and got dressed. A friend came for lunch, I made a fish risotto which was lovely then we sat and chatted about her ideas. The plans are huge but, they look achievable as each element of the big idea is quite manageable for her. It looks exciting. We also spoke about a new accolade she has been awarded and how it can be 'used', again this all sounds very "cloak and dagger" but I guess this isn't really the right place to publicise her plans, although her 'thing' is public I don't feel my blog is the right place for it.... I think will understand my reasoning... I. Hope.

This evening I have been speaking to T at BT Buddies about the Corrie storyline about Brain Tumours, its a difficult topic and we each have thoughts on how it could be done better but, the main thing is that the story is running and it is raising awareness and that is all that matters.

Well it is almost bed time here for me, I have been reading a few blogs about brain tumours tonight, I wish I could stop them all as nobody should have to go through what I am going through now and what Steve and I went trough since September, I can't though and it hurts.

Well tomorrow is a new day, I am tying to keep on this upward slope of being OK so fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

An absent neutral week

I know I have been lacking in the blog area this week. Perhaps my mind has been am little absent too. It's not been a significant week, neither significantly good or significantly bad just a collection of days.


That's not meant negatively but maybe neutrally. That's probably the best explanation for my mood the last week and I am ok with it, it is better than being on the roller coaster. Don't get me wrong I have had a few 'moments' this week but that's ok.

On Tuesday this week J came and stopped, we went out for lunch and we wandered around the shops, we each bought just one item so hardly a huge spree but it was the first time I have been to a busy shopping area since Steve died so it can be seen as a step forward.

On Wednesday I didn't get up to much, I was going to venture out with the camera and did set off in the car but came home, I just didn't feel like it.

Thursday was again a bit of a quiet day but H came to see me in the eve and we had a good old natter. Also, if you remember me asking you to say a prayer or send healing thoughts for a friends nephew well it's her nephew. I am pleased to say he is doing ok, he is not fully recovered but he is out of intensive care so he is heading in the right direction. He's only 13 so please keep sending all your positive thoughts etc to Luke xxx

Friday was not so bad either, I had an appointment in the afternoon so I got up and had a leisurely morning then went to see G afterwards. It's not all good there either unfortunately, N's Dad is poorly, he has been for some time but he is in hospital again and the whole family are concerned. I feel for them a lot as they have seen Steve go through his journey and have watched me struggle with him dying and now they have this on top. It's not fair but life seldom is, and don't I know it.

Last night I was up until really late, in fact till the early hours of this morning chatting on the phone, it was a good to talk though, we were discussing ideas for raising awareness of brain tumours, I did a couple of pictures this week for #braintumourthursday on twitter, just some pics of Steve but with a hard hitting message.

They may seem harsh, I had a long think before, during and after I did them but, I decided if they stop someone and make them think then they have done their job and Steve would be pleased to know he has helped raise awareness of this cruel disease, I've recently learned of a few children with the same disease. It sickens me to know what those families will be going through now and at some point in the future.

Today has not been too bad. I got up late, not late considering I was awake until after 4am but later than usual. I showered and went in to town. I only needed to bank a cheque and post a letter. The bank was shut and I had missed the last post for today for the letter but it will go on Monday.

I thought about having a look around the shops, I went in and wandered about for a bit but came away empty handed. I realised there is nothing I need to buy or want to buy so I came home empty handed.

I had a call this afternoon from a friend about something else she has been working on, it will be great news but she has to keep it a secret for now so I will too but, eventually you will know ALL as it really is good news.

This evening I have sat here alone, not doing anything in particular but, as the weekends have been the most difficult bits of my week then I think I am doing ok so far, I'm not on a downer, that's not due to alcohol anaesthetic either as I haven't had any but it is just because I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope nobody turns it off before I get near the end!

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, loads to do but the weather and my motivation when I wake up will no doubt decide for me.  Here's another pic I did, you can see why the debate with myself, hard hitting and hopefully they can be used to raise awareness of brain tumours for http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/

Goodnight xxx Mark xxx