Me Me Me, Busy Busy Busy and Chrimbo is coming...

Phew, I can't believe it's been a week but at the same time I have done SOOO much i can't believe it is only a week.

Firstly and most importantly, I have re-read Steve's blog from this week last year, it's made me smile, just hearing his voice in his blog really is comforting.  It wasn't a great time for him but theres no self pity.  Amazing really.  Despite his terminal diagnosis he never whinged.  Thats something the "friend" who has been trying to cause me stress this week would do well to remember. A few people know to whom I am referring and those that don't really don't need to worry.  Just join me in smiling when you think of how Stephen never stopped smiling and never lost his sense of humour.

Since last week I have been SO busy.  It's good I guess.  On Friday a friend came to visit, it was great to see him.  He seems quite well although I was a little concerned for him healthwise but I'm sure he is adult enough to take care of himself.  We didn't get to chat for long but hopefully we can meet up for dinner or coffee soon.  We have never been "high maintenance" friends, we just catch up as and when we can and it's great.  He was also my "wingman" after Steve died whilst I arranged the funeral etc, in part my level head.  Something Steve had always been.  I will always be grateful for that.

On Saturday I was up early, I went for a walk along the canal for a few hours with the camera and really enjoyed the fresh air,the photos and seeing how different life is on the canal on a Saturday morning, SO much different to being in the city centre.  It was real ME time and I enjoyed it.

Afterwards I did some shopping then ended up in for the evening with friends andthe X Factor.  Whilst watching, chatting and drinking wine I also spent time being creative and making bracelets

On Sunday I spent the morning busy online then late morning and early afternoon busy cooking.  I made some beautiful carrot soup with roast peppers and onions, it was lovely.  I also busied myself making a roast dinner too.  All very nice even if I do say so myself.  In the afternoon I popped in to Manchester to collect another friend from the train station who was staying for a few days, strangely i managed to get lost near the train station.... I was avoiding parking charges by driving around the block but took a few wrong turnings.   It turned out OK in the end though.

On Monday T and I had to go to Liverpool and that turned out good too.  We also called in to lay flowers at the grave of another member of our Brain Tumour community.  It was sad. I felt Steve with us a lot on Monday, on the way to Liverpool the John Miles song, "Music was my first love" came on the radio.  It was a song played at Steves funeral.  On the way to the cemetary the Take That song "eight letters" came on the radio, the song mentions, eight letters, three words, one meaning..... Steve and I always used to say 831 and the response was always 8312.... think about it, eight letters, three words one meaning.... I LOVE YOU.  The first time I heard the song it took me by surprise and made me tearful, not so much now but it does make me mindful of him.  Our 831 came long before the Take That song.

On Tuesday I got up at a reasonable time and decided to fit the "shiny bits" I have bought for my car.  Stainless steel grilles for the lower openings in the front bumper, a stainless steel 'rotary accent' for the front of the car, chromed side vents, fender strakes and colour coded repeater lights for the side of the car.  Quite a list really.

It meant I had to remove the front bumper of the car, lots of nuts and bolts etc.  Ihere was much concern from my facebook family. A gay doing mechanical type stuff.  A drag queen getting their hands dirty?  Yep, I really didn't conform to type.

The bumper had to be removed along with fog lights etc

there were quite a few bits to add and remove and lots of screws to remember the location of

but with grilles, and accent added I replaced the bumper

and added chrome vents and coded fender strakes to the wing.

I guess now I should "fess up" that I am actually a time served mechanical engineer.  A four year apprenticeship with the ministry of defence and time spent "in industry" come in handy occasionally.  Not the sort of background you expect for a gay and certainly not for a drag queen.

So, if we add in the other things I have worked on this week..... last night I decided to "trim" the heart decorations I have ready for my christmas tree this year.  You will recall I have stuck toa hearts theme but am adding in some tartan.  this was last nights activity.  I've done about 3 dozen so far and have almost as many more to do.

I am enjoying being creative, both for my own Christmas and for others.  Last year Steve and I decided to make some handmade christmas gifts, some were lucky enough to get them.  Early this year Steve decided he wanted to make gifts again this year, not all gifts but just some and really so that the gifts were truly personal, created and given with that specific person in mind.  I am of course planning on fulfilling his wishes but, with just me on the production line the pressure is on to meet the deadline.  Pah, sleep is for losers anyway!

On top of all that some of you may recall Steve and I visited some friends in Norfolk in February this year.  Whilst there Steve bought some wool he liked.  He had seen some sweaters he liked and, instead of him buying one, his Mum said she'd like to knit one for him, he just needed to provided the wool and pattern.  It's surprising how costly it is to go retro and home made but he liked the idea of having something unique.

Long story short, as you guessed, he didn't get his sweater, (who needs a sweater in the summer?  Remember he passed in June).  Now I am on a mission to make sure the wool he chose is being put to good use.  With my plan to fulfil his dream and go and live aboard a narrowboat I anticipate the evenings can or will be chilly.  The wool will be used to knit a throw for the sofa or bed when I am on the boat.  There's no better time to start than the present so, afteran hour of knitting, tonight I can say I have made a start.

So, if I re-cap on the "crafty projects" I have ongoing at the moment I have, sewing, knitting, jewellery making, photography, customising chrimbo decs, re-upholstering chairs, upcycling my favourite items of Steve's clothing, website creation & development and "pimping my ride" to name but a few which add on to the usual things we do such as working, cooking, eating, shopping, socialising, reading, relaxing oh and occasionally sleeping and visiting family and friends. 

I don't like to think of myself as a "jack of all trades" as I don't like the second line of that saying but I do like to think of myself as living life to the fullest because I really think I would struggle to fit much more in to my life.  I hope Steve is pleased, he inspires me to continue despite any other issues I may have to deal with emotianally, physically or mentally. I now feel I have two lives to live.  His and mine.  I miss him dearly but thinking of him and having those little reminders of him at the most unexpected times really do lift my spirits and make me smile.

Thanks you Steve and thanks to you too for reading xxx

Mark xxx

Help! Please......

If you are a regular reader you will know Steve's friend and colleague, Andrew, has just taken part in The Great North Run in aid of Christies Hospital in memory of Stephen. 

He set a £500 target and is VERY close to this, please please please if you can spare a few pounds please sponsor him to help him reach his target.  He has done fantastically well and Steve would be VERY proud of him and that he has done the run in Steve's name. 

Andrew is not an athlete so this really has been an achievement for him.  Well done Andrew and please help if you can by following this link: http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85

I have been reading Steves blog lately from last year.  Much of it is familiar to me and the significant dates seem to be etchen in my mind.  This time last year Steve was worrying about his forthcoming surgery, here's what he had to say about it: http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/09/update.html

Those days are clear in my mind but, Steve's positive attitude bewildered me.  I didn't understand but, I  could not make any criticism.  He was offered a chance to help beat this disease and he grabbed it with both hands.  Think about that as you wonder whether it is worth forsaking the last few tablets on your course of anti biotics in favour of a night out or a few glasses of wine. 

If you are offered a chance, whether that is of health or otherwise then take it.  Some people don't get chances or choices so use yours wisely.

On learning of his diagnosis Steve stopped drinking alcohol.  there were a few exceptions but few enough to count on one hand and even then at most he would have one or two glasses and no more.  Sat here with a glass of wine I feel guilty.  Not guilty enough to stop but I am conscious of the differences. 

I still miss Steve with every breath I take, every spare moment is consumed with thoughts of him and wishing he could be here.  Another hug, another kiss even another night of him stealing the duvet.  There is nothing I wouldn't give just to have that one more time.

Tomorrow after work I am driving north to help a friend for a few days. It will be an interesting time I think as I know I am likely to meet some other people dealing with the same Cancer Steve had, a Glioblastoma Multiforme.

The timing is rubbish as this is a month of anniversaries but I doubt there would ever be a "good time" but, best foot forward and all that.

I'm signing off now to go and iron some clothes.  I hope to update again in the next few days but don't be alarmed if I don't.

Bye for now xxx
M x

End of a weekend.... Woo!

Another weekend over, just as well really.  Even though I managed to keep myself busy today I am still pleased it's over.  Last year I felt the same.

As you know this time last year Steve was in hospital.  In part what annoyed Steve, apart from not feeling I'll, was being unable do do his normal things and missing out on living life to the fullest, something he did till the end.

This time last year we were due to go on an underground tour of Manchester. Steve had booked it early in the year and had been looking forward to it as it is a restricted area and the tours are quite infrequent and we were due to take two friends too

Over the course of the few days he spent in hospital Steve had been going stir crazy.  He told us how he spent one night listening to the guy in the next bed calling out "lord have mercy on me...." and singing Onward Christian Soldiers and listening to another guy complain constantly about how rubbish the food was and how constipated he was.  Steve said he felt more I'll being in than he had before.

Over these first few days though he had been reduced from 2 hourly observations, (blood pressure, temperature, pulse etc) to 4 hourly but his steroid dose was quite high.

By sheer charm and being a model patient Steve managed to negotiate a few hours out of hospital.  Basically he had to wait Until after his afternoon obs were done and he could go out but had to be back before the evening obs at 10pm.  Initially he had thought he could get out at lunchtime so I made a lovely lunch and a home made cheesecake, (it was not a great cheesecake.... I have not followed a BBC Good Food recipe since....).

I collected Steve though at the required time and brought him home.  He wasn't hungry, well not for food anyway.  We fulfilled our carnal desires instead, those past four days had been hellish so it was nice to have that closeness and intimacy back, even if only relatively briefly. We then tried the cheesecake before heading off to meet friends ready for the underground tour, Steve had waited months for this.

The tour was disappointing to say the least, we sort of wished we had stayed in bed.  Parts of it were interesting though, parts of the tunnel were the former canal and some of it had been used as air raid shelters during the war, overall though it was not that interesting, especially when compared to the underground tours of Edinburgh which we had both enjoyed.

Steve got back to his ward in time for the evening rounds, the nurse was grateful he had upheld his side of the bargain, he was grateful for a few hours out and I was grateful for a few short hours snatched with my Husband.  Gratitude in a relationship seems odd but, think of it as the opposite of taking someone for granted.  Be grateful for what you have because you never know how long it will last.

Back to today.  I have prepped around 60 listings for eBay later this week then photographed even more stuff to go on and spent a few hours being creative and sewing, that is until the needle snapped.  I took that as a natural break in proceedings and decided to go and get some food.

This evening I have relaxed, half watching TV, part checking email and part day dreaming of browsing the Internet.  I'm in bed now typing this.

It's odd but, since there has just been me in the bed I spread out as much as possible so as to make the bed feel smaller and no so empty.

Back to work tomorrow Which reminds me of a quote I was sent:
At work, where recovery from broken-heartedness is expected to progress according to a time sheet, life goes on. Yet, we will not feel better according to a timeline determined by others and we cannot just opt out of feeling lonely.
Of course, I think some people may forget this.  I am back in the office therefore their lives have returned to normal.  How very nice for them eh....

Goodnight x

I still hate weekends.....

I missed a day, sorry.  I ended up chatting on the phone for about 3 hours until 2ish this morning and after that it was shower and bed.

Yesterday I went back to work.  It was ok I suppose, well really it was more chaotic than anything but interesting too.  I guess I am adjusting to how the place runs now as I have been away so long there are now three people sort of doing my old job but there is still loads for me to do.  It is actually a relief to have the help of those other people.  It was needed a long time ago but I am just appreciative of it being there now.

Last night I busied myself tidying around as someone was due to view the house today.  Some friends called around after their holiday.  It was nice to see them.  We chatted for a while and also spoke about my 'holiday' too, I explained a little how tough it was.  As I said though, words can't explain how it feels.

Oddly, they are the same friends that called around last year on Steve's second day in hospital, I was so upset at facing another night without Steve, again it is too difficult to explain, I drowned my sorrow by drinking more than half a bottle of Southern Comfort, no mixer, I just wanted alcohol to block out how I felt. 
It's strange but, since Steve died I have avoided all but the smallest amount of alcohol.  I know I am afraid of what it will do, I don't want to unlock those thoughts or emotions which are safely secured away and I know alcohol will loosen the bonds that hold those thoughts safe and sound.

After spending most of the night on the phone I showered and went to bed. It was as tough last night as it was a year ago, in fact tougher I guess.  Last year I knew Steve was safe and sound at hospital, this year I know he's dead.

Today I got up and sorted my stuff out and got easy for the viewing.  The prospective buyers came and had a look but I have no idea whether they liked it or not, I suppose time will tell.

 This afternoon I did some shopping then came home and did some cooking, I experimented with a few things and made a lovely meal for myself.  Oddly just cooking upset me.  Usually I would so this for Steve and I, inflicting new flavours and concoctions on him.  It's not so much fun cooking for one or not sharing these new flavours with someone special.

Right now I feel pretty shitty, it's been a tough night for a few reasons.  I think early to bed is the solution, the sooner I got to sleep the sooner it is a new day and a new start.

Not sure what tomorrow will bring, maybe I need some time out on my own.  I don't know but will decide tomorrow.

Goodnight x

and so the journey began...

that's where I am at, exactly twelve months since Steve was sent to the eye hospital following a routine eye test.  Following his eye test on 5th September he saw his own doctor on the morning of 7th September and he referred Steve to the eye hospital in the afternoon.  His appointment was at 2pm and I took him to the hospital despite him insisting he would be fine to go on his motorbike.

The department closed at 6pm but Steve and I were still there at 6.15pm whilst they booked him in for an MRI scan to following day.

We went home and discussed the days events but didn't worry too much.  I say that but what I mean is we didn't discuss it much.  Steve said he was worried, (as was I), but didn't see the point in getting stressed because at this point we had no idea what we would be worrying about.  We were to find out all too soon.

A year on and I have been sat here alone all day.  I have done quite a lot of work really.  Letters prepared to be sent to tie up some loose ends with Stephens affairs, there is still more to do but I felt in a work like mood today and it has also been the first day I have felt able to face some of the stuff I have had to deal with.

Steve rarely took the ostrich approach, (burying your head in the sand), and I encouraged him to face up to the things he would prefer to avoid.  He learned well and also encouraged me to do the things I put off till last minute.  I have been putting a lot of things off since he died i guess though last week's reality check, being alone on the trip we had planned together has really given me a kick up the arse.

Stephen is dead.  There is nothing I can do about it.  I know crying wont help, wishing and hoping doesn't help, in fact nothing does because I have tried. 

I learned today of a little boy called Ashley.  He died this day last year.  I have seen his picture and he is such a cute kid, that makes it all the more difficult.  He was just 8 when he died.  Its not fair is it.  It's stories like that which remind me that my pain is similar to the pain many people the world over are sharing because of one small six letter word, a small word with huge implications. Cancer.

It's because of that small but disproportionately huge word that Andrew is running for Steve and for Christies in a few weeks, I have sponsored him, can you? http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85 every penny will help.

I think whilst we are all safe and sound in our own homes with our loved ones around us we forget about other peoples suffering.  Remember, cancer does not discriminate over age, race, religion, sex or sexuality.  Cancer wont care if you have thousands of pounds in the bank or just a few pennies, no matter how much is in there though you cant spend that money when you're dead.

Steve and I worked hard.  We worked all week in our day jobs and almost all weekend performing and entertaining others.  We spread a lot of happiness, joy and laughter around the country, we earned a few quid too but what good was it?  We worked and worked and worked, last year it was for our holiday in November.  Three weeks in India.  We never got there. 

Cancer stopped our plans.  Our holiday was cancelled, our money lost and days on the beach or sightseeing were replaced with hospital waiting rooms and the radiotherapy suite at Christies Hospital.  I don't know if I will ever be able to go to India to see the things Steve wanted to see, I would love to but, I realise that is is not important anymore.  The most important thing to me is no longer here.

I don't want to drag the soap box out but spare a moment.  How would you feel without your closest loved one around you?  If they had cancer would you be wishing someone had found a cure or would you feel proud that you helped do as much as possible to fight this killer?  None of us can find a cure on our own but we can join together as one voice and support those who aim to help others.

One in three of us will be affected by cancer in our lives that's for sure but, what isn't sure is which one of us it will be.

Spare a thought for Ashley's family tonight, snatched from them at just 8 years old just one year ago and please remember that any support you are able to provide is VERY much appreciated by each and every family who have lost a loved one to cancer.

Goodnight xxx

Well it's not been 'that' long...

Hiya,
Well at least this time I have only missed one day not a whole week.  anyway here goes.  Yesterday was an OK day, I logged on from home and did a heap of work.  I'm just trying to catch up a little before I go back.  I got quite a lot done  so was quite pleased.  Apart from that there was not a huge amount of news but I did have a lovely email last night from someone Steve used to work with.  I've copied part of the email below for you:

I work in the Accounts department at Traveljigsaw and have done for a number of years.  I was therefore lucky enough to know and work with Steve for a number of years and I must say we always had a ball

Earlier this year I thought I would try and show my support towards Steve and his illness by signing up to run the Great North Run.  I asked Steve before I signed up that I wanted to do this for a charity of his choice and together we decided that I would run and try and raise some money for The Christie.  With the run less than 2 weeks away I have set up a just giving page to try and raise as much money as I can for this charity as per Steve’s wishes

(www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85).  I am sorry that I have not been in touch sooner in regards to this but I was unsure myself as to whether I would be able to do the run until such short notice.  I was wondering whether you would be able to mention this and my just giving page on your next blog or on facebook somewhere so we can try and raise as much as we possibly can.

I remember Steve mentioning this to me and I know he was chuffed that someone wanted to do this in his honour which is why I am passing this on as I (and I am sure Steve), would be very grateful if anyone could support Andrew in raising money for a very worthwhile cause.

Today I have spent most of the day out, I had to take my car in to the garage for an MOT so took it to the garage it went to last year and then spent the day with a friend whilst the garage worked on the car.  Steve's Mum visited this evening, it was nice to chat to her properly but this evening I have not managed to catch up on any of the things I wanted to sort, I think an early night is in order and an early start tomorrow so it's goodnight for now.
M x

Robbed!

I have just had an exchange of texts with a friend and it has made me realise something quite strange and I will share it with you.

Even though it was Stephen who was diagnosed with Cancer last September and his fight with it ended in June of this year my fight with Cancer is continuing. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have not been diagnosed with Cancer and as far as I am aware I am well, apart from being overweight and not exercising enough I reckon I am OK but, my life is still being ruled by Cancer.

Simple things which I used to take for granted now take some consideration.  The thought of doing them makes me feel sick.  It’s difficult to explain but, what has triggered me off on this train of thought tonight is work, (again).

I received an email from them, basically letting me know what’s going on in work and asking me to go in at some point.  All that seems fair enough but the line “...it needs to start one way or the other”, has really got to me.  Yeah, I do need to go back to work, I know that, as I said before bills still need paying and you don’t get a cash windfall when your partner dies but I feel like I am being goaded in to work, like I have to succumb to their might.  In reality I have to, I have no choice and it tears me apart inside. 

What hurts more is what feels like a complete apathy toward my loss.  Yeah the words are right, but they are empty, they are regurgitated text book stuff because that’s what the HR handbook says they should say.  Maybe one day they will understand but, how many people will be made to feel like this before they do.

Cancer though is still making my life horrible.  Cancer has made me like this because Cancer is what caused Steve’s death. 

I shared something with my friend tonight which I had not considered before but, something she said crystallised the whole thing for me. 

Cancer has, in part, robbed me of my confidence.  I feel stupid at the thought but I feel it is true.  I used to be outgoing and cheerful etc but now I am not.  I plan to avoid busy places.  I go to the shop when it is quietest, I avoid people and situations and I also avoid the phone, not friends but I avoid paperwork type stuff, car insurance was done online to avoid speaking to people and telephone banking sends a shiver down my spine.

Before Steve died nothing bothered me, being alone they do, it sounds feeble, lame even but, that’s it, Cancer has changed me, changed me a lot. 

I will go in to the office tomorrow, the thought is making me feel sick and I feel strangely nervous, perhaps a little like the first day of school but I need to do it.  As I said I have no choice.  Cancer does that you know, it takes choices away. 

Cancer took Steve’s choices away and he hated that.  It took our choice to have a holiday away and it took our choice to socialise and lead a normal life away.

We lead as normal a life as possible but, we were stopped from doing things, seeing people and being carefree by limitations caused by medication, treatment, fatigue, infection risk and good old common sense.

I guess I ought to stop there, there is so much more to say but it won’t be beneficial to take the lid off those boxes and unleash the contents here so, until tomorrow.......

Goodnight,
Mark

Must try harder...

Yes I have done my thousand lines saying “I must try harder to blog daily”. Maybe it will work who knows but I am not going to stress about it. I am trying not to stress about a lot of stuff lately but I don’t always win but I always try.

Since I wrote last not a lot has changed, I am sure lots has happened but nothing has changed much. The whole of last week seems a blur really, I am not sure if that’s a good or bad thing but it just is what it is.

On Tuesday Steve’s mum visited as usual, she told me about wanting to throw a party for Steve’s 33rd birthday next year. I’m not convinced. Steve wanted a 33rd birthday party as it would have been significant. Significant because it would mark one month more than the max 18 month prognosis he was given. To have his party without him there seems to me to be rubbing salt into the wound, it would be confirming the doctors right as in he wouldn’t live beyond 18 months, in reality he only just scraped through 9 months. I’m not sure what will happen on that, it’s not for me to say, I’m not comfortable with a party per se but then I don’t have to go. I had planned however to go to a little hotel we found via a recommendation H gave to us, it’s a fun and quirky place, (a bit like Steve) so I might just take myself off there with a few people to drink a quiet toast to Steve, the place is called La Rosa Hotel in Whitby, http://www.larosa.co.uk/hotel/index.html it seems like fun.

On Friday the people from work came to see me again. It is so stressful when they come. I don’t know why, I don’t even understand why but it just is. I want to go back to work but right now the thought of it makes my stomach churn. I guess in part I am concerned that if I go back too soon I could have a meltdown at a wholly inappropriate time or snap at someone I ought not to and end up doing myself and work a dis-service. I am not sure they understand that fully but, I have logged on to my work email today from home to see what’s there.

I didn’t get much work done, because I have over 1200 emails to sort through my mailbox is majorly over limit so I had to wade through some old stuff and delete that first to sort of free up some space. I read a few emails though, I got before I left on the Friday before Steve died, ready for me to sort on the Monday and then a few in the following week where life went on regardless of him lying dying in an intensive care unit.

It felt odd, almost like it was me that had died. I felt like I did when I sorted through Steve’s stuff, almost like trespassing or spying, and these are MY emails.... I logged off after a while; it was making me feel sick so I thought it best to leave it for now.

When people used to say to me “Oh it made me feel sick” I thought it always referred to more of a psychological thing as opposed to a physical symptom but, lately I have come to realise that physical sick feeling exists and it has become all too common in recent weeks and months.

This weekend I have avoided people mainly. Saturday I went out for a run in the car, I went to look at a craft shop, it was stupidly expensive and no real great ideas there. I drove around for a bit but came home not spending any money and having not spoken to anyone. Just the way I wanted it I guess.

Yesterday was a little more positive. I spent the whole day in the garage sorting stuff out. It had become our dressing room whilst we were performing, costumes and props etc all over the place but now it is just full of all sorts. Some of the stuff is things we bought months ago, for new hobbies or ideas we had, they still need to be done and I will do eventually but, there is also a lot of old stage props and bits of costumes out there which need sorting too. I did sort quite a bit though, some useable stuff sidelined for a friend who also performs and makes his own costumes as he can make good use of the stuff there and other bits sidelined for other people too.

I also binned a lot of stuff, costumes and props etc which would have continued to be fine for Steve and to use but no good to anyone else or to sell. I threw hundreds of pounds worth of advertising literature in the bin too, sad but they all had Steve’s number on and as they are for “Trouble” then there will be no future need for them either. It’s sad to see all that money wasted.

In the garage too was all Steve’s coursework for the management course he did last year before he got sick and the current stuff he had been working on when he had to stop work. It was so difficult going through that stuff. Every piece of paper was like a little pin prick to my heart as almost every page had his name on, just seeing his name in print so many times in quick succession sort of took the wind out of my sails. I have decided though. I have kept some of the documents, his certificates and some feedback from others about him, (it’s nice to see how much his staff thought of him), and I have decided the rest will be shredded and made into paper bricks for the fire when we move to a boat. Steve would approve of the “green-ness” of it. Turning unwanted paper into fuel to heat the boat.

The boat at the moment seems to be a million miles away, we haven’t got a buyer for the house yet, I think we will reduce the price further in the coming weeks. I think we all just want out and a fresh start. I really think this house though; being so close to the hospital would make a great house for a developer or for a landlord. With five bedrooms, (potentially a sixth or seventh if one of the lounges and the attic were converted), then this would be great to let out to nurses or young doctors working at the teaching hospital at the end of our road. Each room could be let out for £500 ish a month and the mortgage would only be around £1,000 even if a tiny deposit was paid so there is decent potential for profit if someone has the right approach. I know it is something we could look at too but, Steve and I had just planned to sever ties with the house so that’s what I will do as apart from Steve dying, nothing else has changed.

Anyway, after spending the majority of the day outside, (or at least till 7pm ish). I then came in and cooked some food for myself then went and ironed the bed linen I had washed and dried yesterday. I cleaned and vac’d the bedroom and put the fresh linen on then shower and snuggle in my dressing gown watching an old film, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Adventures_of_Priscilla,_Queen_of_the_Desert it is a great feel good film and Steve and I would always enjoy a Sunday evening with a film. Well, by the time I had done everything it was 10.30 before I got to start the film but I enjoyed it.

I have been thinking today though how bad I have been lately in keeping in touch with people. I have hardly spoken to anyone for a few weeks. I really ought to make more of an effort and I will, just as soon as I can.

I’m going to sign off for now, I might do a further update later but maybe not. I know I posted an update here over the weekend too, I hope you liked it, http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-can-it-be.html I saw it whilst online and it really made me think. I still miss Steve more and more with each passing minute. It’s not getting easier to deal with but I suppose I am getting more used to how it feels. Difficult to explain but I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.

Until next time xxx Mark xxx

A day of thinking

This has not been a bad thing, the thinking has all been about someone. Else's project, someone elsess business idea and someone else's headache and excitement really but, let's start with yesterday.

As you know weekends have really been the toughest part of the week for me, those were the times Steve and I would find fun and interesting things to do, sometimes just shopping or doing nothing but it was with steve so being without him has made then extremely hard.

Yesterday I got up and wondered what to do. I looked at the weather and it was raining so a day out with the camera seemed off limits so I pondered, all this before getting out of bed.

I finally got up and decided I would have a day being creative, I decided some sewing was in order. I finally settled on making a handbag for a friend. It's. Up cycled (new word for recycled) from all sorts of stuff but I spent the largest part of the day on it. It was good distraction therapy because whilst I did think about steve I was too busy to get emotional. It was good therapy really. After that I made a necklace and did a few other things too so all in all a. Very creative day. I spent some time online last night but nothing to speak of so it was off to bed at a reasonable time.

Today I got up and phoned work because they had asked me to call today, I sorted a few other things then showered and got dressed. A friend came for lunch, I made a fish risotto which was lovely then we sat and chatted about her ideas. The plans are huge but, they look achievable as each element of the big idea is quite manageable for her. It looks exciting. We also spoke about a new accolade she has been awarded and how it can be 'used', again this all sounds very "cloak and dagger" but I guess this isn't really the right place to publicise her plans, although her 'thing' is public I don't feel my blog is the right place for it.... I think will understand my reasoning... I. Hope.

This evening I have been speaking to T at BT Buddies about the Corrie storyline about Brain Tumours, its a difficult topic and we each have thoughts on how it could be done better but, the main thing is that the story is running and it is raising awareness and that is all that matters.

Well it is almost bed time here for me, I have been reading a few blogs about brain tumours tonight, I wish I could stop them all as nobody should have to go through what I am going through now and what Steve and I went trough since September, I can't though and it hurts.

Well tomorrow is a new day, I am tying to keep on this upward slope of being OK so fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

An absent neutral week

I know I have been lacking in the blog area this week. Perhaps my mind has been am little absent too. It's not been a significant week, neither significantly good or significantly bad just a collection of days.


That's not meant negatively but maybe neutrally. That's probably the best explanation for my mood the last week and I am ok with it, it is better than being on the roller coaster. Don't get me wrong I have had a few 'moments' this week but that's ok.

On Tuesday this week J came and stopped, we went out for lunch and we wandered around the shops, we each bought just one item so hardly a huge spree but it was the first time I have been to a busy shopping area since Steve died so it can be seen as a step forward.

On Wednesday I didn't get up to much, I was going to venture out with the camera and did set off in the car but came home, I just didn't feel like it.

Thursday was again a bit of a quiet day but H came to see me in the eve and we had a good old natter. Also, if you remember me asking you to say a prayer or send healing thoughts for a friends nephew well it's her nephew. I am pleased to say he is doing ok, he is not fully recovered but he is out of intensive care so he is heading in the right direction. He's only 13 so please keep sending all your positive thoughts etc to Luke xxx

Friday was not so bad either, I had an appointment in the afternoon so I got up and had a leisurely morning then went to see G afterwards. It's not all good there either unfortunately, N's Dad is poorly, he has been for some time but he is in hospital again and the whole family are concerned. I feel for them a lot as they have seen Steve go through his journey and have watched me struggle with him dying and now they have this on top. It's not fair but life seldom is, and don't I know it.

Last night I was up until really late, in fact till the early hours of this morning chatting on the phone, it was a good to talk though, we were discussing ideas for raising awareness of brain tumours, I did a couple of pictures this week for #braintumourthursday on twitter, just some pics of Steve but with a hard hitting message.

They may seem harsh, I had a long think before, during and after I did them but, I decided if they stop someone and make them think then they have done their job and Steve would be pleased to know he has helped raise awareness of this cruel disease, I've recently learned of a few children with the same disease. It sickens me to know what those families will be going through now and at some point in the future.

Today has not been too bad. I got up late, not late considering I was awake until after 4am but later than usual. I showered and went in to town. I only needed to bank a cheque and post a letter. The bank was shut and I had missed the last post for today for the letter but it will go on Monday.

I thought about having a look around the shops, I went in and wandered about for a bit but came away empty handed. I realised there is nothing I need to buy or want to buy so I came home empty handed.

I had a call this afternoon from a friend about something else she has been working on, it will be great news but she has to keep it a secret for now so I will too but, eventually you will know ALL as it really is good news.

This evening I have sat here alone, not doing anything in particular but, as the weekends have been the most difficult bits of my week then I think I am doing ok so far, I'm not on a downer, that's not due to alcohol anaesthetic either as I haven't had any but it is just because I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope nobody turns it off before I get near the end!

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, loads to do but the weather and my motivation when I wake up will no doubt decide for me.  Here's another pic I did, you can see why the debate with myself, hard hitting and hopefully they can be used to raise awareness of brain tumours for http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/

Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

Because I knew you...

I know it's been a few days, I will update more later but for now please take a look at this video I was sent today.  It could be viewed as an "open letter" to Steve, after all I am who I am today Because I knew you...

Naked Boys Dancing and Free Chocolate

Today has certainly been a different day, in the main because I have been out for most of it I guess.  For the past few weeks I have been in for the most part of most days, (or it certainly seems that way) but, today has been different.

I was up at a reasonable time this morning despite still being up till 3.30 am meddling.  I am planning on going to bed quite soon so hopefully before 1.30 am today.  I have not thought about whether I am still avoiding bed or if I have now just got into a routine of late nights and minimal sleep?  I don't know but I guess I ought start to go to bed at a reasonable time sometime soon.

I had to go to Wigan today, there were a few reasons none of which need to be explored here but I did get to see a friend there too and have a good old natter.  We are as bad as one another and can both talk for England but we just flow from one thing to another.  Steve used to laugh at me, he could tell who I was speaking to just by hearing one side of the conversation but, I guess that is because he knew me so well.

After leaving the house around 2pm today I got home just before 9pm, that's unusual for me at the moment as I said, most of my time seems to be spent at home these days but, today has been a good day, I've not had a "Steve" focus to the day and it's not felt bad doing something for me.  In fact this morning seemed OK too, I was thinking about putting a few things away.  Just stuff which belongs to Steve which I have kept around since he passed away, old pictures, (in a box; but close to hand),  some clothes and bit's and pieces really which were his.  I think I am now mentally in a place where these can be put away.  Out of sight, NOT out of mind but I suppose it means I can reduce the clutter around me, something Steve hated and tried to rid us of, (even though he was a hoarder, a gene he definitely got from his Mum).

I now have a sense of busy-ness, there seems to be a lot to do.  By doing it I will keep my mind active but also perhaps just be able to move on mentally from under the big black cloud and make my way toward the end of the cloud and moving toward those nice fluffy white ones before I get to clear blue skies and sunshine.

Well not a lot more to report, like I said it's been a good day.  Last Wednesday was a good day too, I had "things" to do on both days though so I doubt there is a Wednesday connection just a "being busy" connection.  Hmmm, good job I have lots to occupy my time tomorrow, there's another estate agent comimg on Friday, this one seems to be a little more pro-active in finding punters.  Lets see what he has to say but I reckon we'll be reducing the price and trying to get things jogging along pretty soon, our boat is calling...

Well goodnight again oh and sorry about the title, I just thought it looked a little more interesting than "A Good Day" but, if I were to ever have a day like that I can assure you I wont be writing my blog until both are long gone, well, you need to make the most of these things which reminds me.... theres chocolate in the cupboard which had a "best by" date on it of April some time... they tasted OK last week so should last a little longer.

Well TTFN,
Mark x

Like not wearing underwear...

Apologies for the late update, I did think whilst driving back that I would do this earlier in the day but I have not really been in the mood.  I didn't want to have to talk to anyone, see anyone or think at all I just wanted time out.

AI guess firstly though you'd like to know a little more about yesterday. 

It started quite early, I had been up on Friday night until the early hours of Saturday morning for no good reason other than I was avoiding bed again.  I was up early yesterday morning though and realised I hadn't ironed any clothes for after the event and for today so I did that first.  Then I got shaved, the big beard and hairy chest had to go unfortunately, (I am looking forward to their return already).

Then, after showering etc i went to the dressing room and started to get ready.  It was a quiet time really.  Steve would always have show tunes on but I was happy with my thoughts.  It all went to plan and, to think I have not put a face on since August I was surprised, eyebrows looked right first time and even eyelashes stuck first time and in the right place... that's a first EVER!  I used to get stressed sometimes because they would be wonky, after the third or fourth attempt Steve would have to put them on me but yesterday the whole lot was easy and stress free.  when I finished I noticed Steve's wig to the side, on a block but sort of watching over me and supervising.

I got dressed then and set off for Sheffield, I had planned for 10am but I got going at 11am, not bad really as my initial plan hadn't included ironing and packing, it took me just over 1 hour 20 minutes from shower to leaving and that included having to iron another shirt.

En route I picked up a friend, that too could have been a drama as Steve knew where he lived and had always directed me as he was familiar with that part of Manchester, (he had lived in the area years before), but I was not.  Anyway I got there and then we set off for Sheffield.

I tried to call en route to let the organisers know my ETA but there was no signal on the phone as we drove through the mountains so I just carried on.  by the time I approached Sheffield i had received an almost frantic message asking me to call.  They were wondering where I was.  As Steve and I usually got there early morning and they had already had a string of disasters including some acts cancelling on the morning along with some of the volunteers.

When I got there the relief on their faces was evident.  I changed into costume and then familiarised myself with the running order, the new stage manager, Andrew, (conscripted that morning because someone was ill and unable to do it) and I chatted to a few early visitors.

One of the first groups I spoke to said "where's the other one... you always come with another one as well so where is she?"  The question was perfectly reasonable and it was nice they remembered that I am indeed only half of a double act.  I explained Steve had passed away but, in short that I was there for him.  the understood, they too had lost a friend recently and although they didn't really want to party they did want to honour their friends memory.

Despite that though I didn't get upset.  I just continued. A few more people arrived then more friends arrived including Stephen, (another one, not MY Steve), Stephen, or Mistress Muffy, was to be my co-host for most of the day, along with a few of our other friends too but, I was happy to step out on stage with him as Steve and I had worked with him before, being a friend firstly but also someone we have worked with before then it just made it easier, the same can be said for Dan and Heather too, as friends they understood the bond Steve and I had and it made what was looking like a difficult day a whole lot less daunting.  I also have to say though that the last minute stage manager Andrew was fantastic, a complete pleasure to work with and he just managed to keep everything running smoothly, (as smooth as it can be when we have problems thrown at us such as we did), I was able trust him and rely on him completely, (which is out of character for me being a known control freak) as I couldn't possibly keep tabs on everything whilst I was on stage.  As I said he was just great and truly an asset to the www.sheffieldpride.org.uk volunteer team.

Through most of the day I was fine.  There were a lot of friends there and they all kept checking if I was OK, and how I was feeling, it was nice to know they cared so much and for the majority of the day I was fine.  I did have a moment though toward the latter part of the day, stood to the side of stage just watching one of the girl groups who were on and my mind wandered, it wandered to thoughts of Steve, I can't describe it really but it was almost like having a bucket of water thrown over you, this mix of feelings and thoughts just descended on me and I started to well up.  I caught myself and reigned it in fast, I couldn't afford to lose it when I was due on stage in a few minutes and, as I had done so well all day I refused to give in to the emotion.

The picture shows just a couple of friends who I was pleased to have there for the day x

The next "moment" was being on stage with Heather, I don't remember what she said, it was nothing probably, I am guessing she may have been thanking me, (she was there doing some official thanks from Sheffield Pride) but again, it washed over me.  As I replied to Heather I heared my voice crack.  Again I reigned it in and I thanked Steve, for introducing me to Sheffield and it's people, such a warm and welcoming community, they almost feel like family and I also thanked the people of Sheffield for welcoming me and Steve, I probably rambled on a bit as I am prone to doing but we gave three cheers to Steve and to Miss Whiplash. I think most people 'got' the sentiment, especially as whiplash's picture was in their official pride programme with a write-up.

I felt and hoped Steve was there with me, I wore the bracelet I made to remind me of him, the picture shows it next to the tattoo (or at least part of the tattoo), that I had done to commemorate his life just before the funeral.  It's the date of our wedding or "Civil Partnership" as it's correctly termed.  (Thanks to "G" for the pic xxx) I also wore Steve's stage rings, they sparkled beautifully, just as he would have.

Throughout the day when asked how I was I just said I was fine.  Again, it is difficult to explain but the only analogy I can give is that it is like going out without underwear on.  To everyone else you look the same, (I had the painted face and broad smile to mask the feelings inside), but, you know something is not right and something is missing.  that's probably as good as the explanation gets.  I was doing it for Steve, it didn't feel right but I did it.  I am glad I did it though and have no regrets at all, he did so much for me, and brought me such happiness in our six and a bit short years and the least I could do was to share some of that happiness with the 10,000 or so people who were there on Saturday.

After the event closed I headed off to the hotel.  The hotel booking was supposed to be for Steve and I but I went anyway.  I wanted to change and spend some time with our friends as me.  check-in at www.kenwoodhall.co.uk was fine, I did raise an eyebrow or two though as I passed a wedding reception en route to my room.  A guest was heard commenting to the bride that not many weddings have drag queens at them..... Steve and I did a few but I didn't correct him.  the room was lovely but as I sat there at the dressing table taking off my jewellery, wig and makeup I looked out of the window and saw the brightest rainbow I have seen for years.

That was it, it set me off. It may have been a coincidence but to have a rainbow so bright at the end of what was supposed to be Steve's last performance.  The rainbow was seen over the stage when everyone had gone and the cleanup had begun but I could see it from my hotel window too.  Whats the chances.  You can see how limited the view was and I had it in sight.  The international symbol for gay pride is a rainbow flag so for may of the people who were there yesterday they will have identified with the rainbow anyway, for me it had extra meaning.  I took it to mean that Steve had been happy with the day and by way of thanks, to lift the gloom I felt, he sent a rainbow.

After that the night seemed to go pretty quickly. I joined a few friends at the official after pride party but chose to drive.  I didn't want to drink.  I had managed to keep a lid on most of my emotions for most of the day, I didn't want alcohol to loosen the lid as it were so I thought it best not to drink, that, and I was tired so a few drinks and I would have fallen over!

I gave Heather a lift home on my way back to the hotel and then woke this morning after a reasonable sleep and set off for home.  I had taken my camera with me to stop off en route to take some pictures as there is some lovely scenery but the weather was too bad and I had forgotten to take a coat.

Since being home I have spent it alone, in silence for the main part.  I have not wanted to see anyone or talk to anyone.  I don't know why but I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts.  I feel anti-social but on the flip side I reckon talking to 10,000+ people yesterday will buy me some credit in the "need to talk to more people"  stakes.

I'm heading to bed now, again, it's a long one and sorry but I hope you enjoyed reading nonetheless.

Until tomorrow,
 Mark x

The Eve of another significant milestone....

Well it may not be to you and to 99.99% of the 8 - 10,000+ people expected to be there tomorrow it wont be either but to me it is.  It will be the first time since becoming a double act with Steve that I have put a face on without him.  the first time i will have been on stage without him and the first time I don't have him to "bounce off" with banter and quips and our own brand of humour.

It's a daunting one really, I don't know what to expect of myself, I can sort of guess how the crowd will be and how our friends will be and how the artiste's will be but I have no idea how I will be.  Odd isn't it, for someone who likes to be in control and will freely admit to being a control freak, (typically only when approved as such by Steve), I have no control over the one thing I should have, me, my feelings and whatever is going on in my head.

I've already had a lot of messages and phone calls of support etc and they have come as a bit of a surprise really but all concerned about how I will manage.  The truthful answer is, I don't know, but I suppose I will.  I read my tribute at the funeral, I spoke about Steve this week at an event focused on brain tumours and I can do this too. I guess I might be more resilient than I give myself credit for, I hope so anyway.

Well not a lot else really on my mind tonight other than tomorrow.  Costume was finished today, hair started and finished today.  I have realised though I have done nothing for me, guess I ought to pack a toothbrush and some clean clobber as I will be stopping there tomorrow. Not sure what tomorrow night will bring, I guess it will depend on what the day brings and how I cope with that.

I think I need to be up early tomorrow ironing..... Oh well it's been a nice night chatting to FB friends  so not worried about that.

Will update tomorrow if and when I can xxx