Robbed!

I have just had an exchange of texts with a friend and it has made me realise something quite strange and I will share it with you.

Even though it was Stephen who was diagnosed with Cancer last September and his fight with it ended in June of this year my fight with Cancer is continuing. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have not been diagnosed with Cancer and as far as I am aware I am well, apart from being overweight and not exercising enough I reckon I am OK but, my life is still being ruled by Cancer.

Simple things which I used to take for granted now take some consideration.  The thought of doing them makes me feel sick.  It’s difficult to explain but, what has triggered me off on this train of thought tonight is work, (again).

I received an email from them, basically letting me know what’s going on in work and asking me to go in at some point.  All that seems fair enough but the line “...it needs to start one way or the other”, has really got to me.  Yeah, I do need to go back to work, I know that, as I said before bills still need paying and you don’t get a cash windfall when your partner dies but I feel like I am being goaded in to work, like I have to succumb to their might.  In reality I have to, I have no choice and it tears me apart inside. 

What hurts more is what feels like a complete apathy toward my loss.  Yeah the words are right, but they are empty, they are regurgitated text book stuff because that’s what the HR handbook says they should say.  Maybe one day they will understand but, how many people will be made to feel like this before they do.

Cancer though is still making my life horrible.  Cancer has made me like this because Cancer is what caused Steve’s death. 

I shared something with my friend tonight which I had not considered before but, something she said crystallised the whole thing for me. 

Cancer has, in part, robbed me of my confidence.  I feel stupid at the thought but I feel it is true.  I used to be outgoing and cheerful etc but now I am not.  I plan to avoid busy places.  I go to the shop when it is quietest, I avoid people and situations and I also avoid the phone, not friends but I avoid paperwork type stuff, car insurance was done online to avoid speaking to people and telephone banking sends a shiver down my spine.

Before Steve died nothing bothered me, being alone they do, it sounds feeble, lame even but, that’s it, Cancer has changed me, changed me a lot. 

I will go in to the office tomorrow, the thought is making me feel sick and I feel strangely nervous, perhaps a little like the first day of school but I need to do it.  As I said I have no choice.  Cancer does that you know, it takes choices away. 

Cancer took Steve’s choices away and he hated that.  It took our choice to have a holiday away and it took our choice to socialise and lead a normal life away.

We lead as normal a life as possible but, we were stopped from doing things, seeing people and being carefree by limitations caused by medication, treatment, fatigue, infection risk and good old common sense.

I guess I ought to stop there, there is so much more to say but it won’t be beneficial to take the lid off those boxes and unleash the contents here so, until tomorrow.......

Goodnight,
Mark

Being unreasonable

That is how I am being made to feel by people at work. They came to see me on Thursday, before I had blogged about the previous few days and that was what my reference to it being a Shitty day was all about.

I understand they are concerned or missing me, (not me per se but the work I do, I really don’t think they give a toss about me personally). They said as much when they put pressure on for me to return ASAP.

I feel I have done really well. I have started to look for the positives in the day instead of accepting how I feel when I wake up. I push that nagging pain to one side, those tears welled in my eyes are barricaded in and the anger and hurt on the tip of my tongue is swallowed hard. Yes in plain terms I put on a brave face, but my tolerance levels are at an all time low my concentration is lacking to say the least and well.... there’s lots more to say but I won’t.

When I received a letter telling me they were coming to visit I felt my stress levels go through the roof, I knew it was coming and had expected it but I didn’t expect how I felt. After an hour of what felt like an intensive grilling, (It felt like they were trying to suss out if I really am ‘that’ upset about losing my Husband), it seems I failed the “test” as I have been asked to see the work doctor. Not a problem if I had something physically wrong with me but how beneficial will it be for me to trawl over all those things I have put to rest in my mind. Not least how it felt living, no, existing for Stephen’s last nine months with a death sentence hanging over your head, yes, it was over my head too, I suffered the death of my partner and my relationship with him and when he died I feel a huge part of me died with him.

I am expected to relay this to some stranger. It feels like work is saying that they cannot accept that I would be feeling this way after SO long. Six weeks, is that a long time? I don’t think so not when you consider Stephen will be dead for the rest of my lifetime not when the bond we shared was SO strong. We loved spending every minute of every day together, not like some couples who spend as much of their free time as possible outside of work apart from each other.

After that meeting I had an email from work, more on Thursday and Friday. Again, it sent me stress levels through the roof and I just had to go and be alone making myself busy just doing things so as not to think. Oh, the best bit was, “Are you planning to return to work?” What a daft question, you don’t get a cash lump sum to last you the rest of your days as a booby prize for losing your husband, the bills still roll in and they still have to be paid but now you have to do it with one wage not two! Of course I am going back, I loved my job, the diversity of it and the satisfaction of knowing you helped make a difference that I guess most charity employees get; I desperately want that normality back and that warm and fuzzy feeling of knowing you are benefitting others. I want it more than any.

Another comment was that “perhaps you should ask about medication.....” What? Fill my body with drugs to mask what I feel so when I finally stop taking them I can experience the natural, (yes grief is a natural and normal process), so I can experience the natural pain then instead and suffer what in my eyes would be a setback? No, I want to deal with this now and move forward, not hide it and move over.

Insensitive and uncaring are huge understatements. Maybe one day when they or a loved one are in my position they may get a slightly better understanding of how it feels and then I hope someone tells them that six weeks is enough time to get over it and get back to normal.

That it about work, it’s stressing me just thinking about it and I don’t want to go down that slippery slope.

The rest of Thursday was difficult to say the least. I ended up driving a friend in to town on Thursday night for her to photograph at an event. I had agreed to it last week when I was having a good day and didn’t want to let her down. I am forcing myself out of the house and in to places I don’t want to be, really to try and accelerate my progression. (With work’s attitude in mind it’s probably for the best too). It was OK, I was brutally aware of my single, (widowed) status, but she’s a caring mate and kept an eye out for me. It was tough but I lived to tell the tale and I hope to go and do other things with her in the future, she’s got a great sense of fun and she cheered me up a lot.

Yesterday was crappy too, as I said the email from work first thing set my stress through the roof. I busied myself doing other things. A friend came over yesterday afternoon then, as she was leaving two more turned up and then another. It was nice to see people. I ended up being up till after 1.30am again chatting but it was nice. I suppose an opportunity to forget for a while but remember nice things too.

The blog wasn’t done last night as I didn’t feel like it, no more complex a reason than that. I was late to bed again though.

Today is a glorious day. What shall I do? No plans no agenda. Perhaps a walk with the camera later? I feel the camera gives me an excuse to go out alone, I don’t look like such a ‘Billy no mates’ with that in my hand. I guess I look like a geek instead. I guess I need to force myself out and in to real life again, quiet places are fine, busy places are tough. I’ll decide after a shower.