That’s how things are right now. It’s been quite a week since I wrote last. A long and difficult week. I would say it’s possibly been one of the most difficult weeks of recent months and I don’t understand why. I’ve had a few worries, not much more than usual though.
It hasn’t been a particularly busy week, I have kept busy but under my own initiative in the main not under the direction or request of others. I am starting to become aware though of this building stress within me, I am not sure if keeping busy is helping distract me from the thing that’s bothering me or if it’s adding to it. I appreciate being busy though as I can absorb myself in the task at hand instead of sitting and reflecting, perhaps that’s what’s making the blog difficult, having to reflect, all be it for a short time. I am forcing myself to think about things. I still recognise it’s helpful though to me and to others too and re-reading Stephen’s blog of this time last year reminds me of that.
Reading Steve’s blog of November 21st Last year I came across the following paragraph:
I have thought about Mark and what he will do when am not here - we often
laugh that it will be me getting phone calls from the police station saying
that they have picked him up in Tesco shoplifting etc wearing a big Floppy
Hay at the age of 70 - that's our plan you see - he goes slightly erratic
and I go sort him out when were older. Obviously this plan has now changed a
little bit, and I'm doing erratic and odd things and he sorts me out.
It got to me. Yes, I used to enjoy being slightly eccentric, adopting a fun a jovial outlook on life and trivialising things to make them more palatable. All of that has gone. I recognise that person but I have not seen him for a long time.
Back to the present. On Friday, after a trip to Liverpool with a friend I called in to The Trafford Centre to have a wander through the shops, More than anything it was just time out, wandering around aimlessly I wandered from one end to the other. I got to John Lewis and as I walked through the homewares department I saw a cushion on a bed in a display. It was very simple, Grey and Red and had a ‘patch’ embroidered on it which said “You & Me”. It was lovely. I approached the display to take a closer look and then it hit me. There is no “You” in my bed, there is just a “Me”. I fought back the tears, just as I am trying to do now.
Such a beautiful gift and nobody to share it with. As I walked the very long walk to where my car was parked I seemed to pass an endless number of couples, Gay couples, Lesbian couples, some clearly mature relationships and some clearly new but seeing each one gave me a punch in the gut, making me remember loud and clear what I have lost. I know our family and friends have lost too but life for them is as normal. I am the one waking up alone every morning and getting in to a cold and empty bed at night, as I know many others do but every morning I wake alone serves to remind me and, every night I slip in to a cold bed does the same.
Friday was difficult
On Saturday I spent the whole day busying myself. I started wrapping Christmas presents. On finishing the first the person for whom the gift was intended sent me a SMS message. As I completed wrapping the second the recipients arrived at the door. It was an odd coincidence and I can’t help but think Steve had some sort of influence there. The third, fourth and so on did not generate any SMS or visits etc, perhaps for the best and I continued to busy myself being creative and wrapping presents.
On Sunday I did the same again, more wrapping and more creativity. Some gifts have been parcelled up to be sent abroad, they will go to the post office this week.
Well today has seen the start of a new week. I have a busy week this week at work but a few things to look forward to throughout the week. Most importantly though I’m looking forward to the weekend. Time is whizzing by lately. Christmas is looming, beyond that there’s New Year. That’s a whole other blog entry so for now..... Goodnight and thank you for being so patient.
Showing posts with label Mourning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mourning. Show all posts
Monday, 21 November 2011
Monday, 12 September 2011
A way forward
Thats where I am at right now, looking for a way forward. Looking for that elusive new norm. Today has been a mixed day. An interesting meeting today has left me with a lot of mixed emotions and feeling "on edge" about a lot of things. All adding to my stress levels. I'm trying not to dwell on it because I can't afford to let the stress get to me.
In many ways the past 12 months have served to make me stronger. In many other ways they have highlighted my vulnerability.
After Steve's initial diagnosis I recall going out for dinner with his parents and his Uncle. The same Uncle that told him he could stand up and fight his cancer or he could pull the duvet over his head and give in to it. He told us how he was now bullet proof.
We didn't really understand but, as he had lost his Wife to cancer just 9 months previously he explained how the worse thing he could ever imagine or fear had now happened so, whatever else came his way would not be difficult to deal with.
I understand that now as I have lived through and continue to live in my worse nightmare. Being single per'se is not a nightmare, I have been single before and had a very happy and fulfilled life thank you very much. The nightmare comes in that I have lost my soulmate, lost whilst we were very much still in love with each other, lost whilst we were still in our idealistic honeymoon phase.
There seems to be no let up to my grief at the moment. It creeps up and surprises me at the most inconvenient time. This morning driving to work I heard the song "Time to say goodbye", it set me off. it's not a song Steve and I identified with but as soon as it started it too me to the crematorium, stood in front of Steve's coffin with his picture smiling back at me. I stopped tocompose myself. I ended up being about 2 minutes late for work. Not a huge issue but persoanlly frustrating that this had happened. It was a bright morning and I was in a good mood.
I considered earlier today the difference in how I feel, how well I feel I am coping, how well friends think I am coping and how "others" feel I am coping. I am not really bothered about other peoples opinions of how I am managing. I feel I have made a lot of progress, it's still less than three months since Steve died. Seeing the news reports yesterday of the 9/11 memorials and how emotional and upset those families still are after ten years of grieving made me realise my loss and how that makes me feel will be with me for the rest of my life. When people say, "so you're feeling better now?" or as my Aunt said last week, "Oh so you're over it all now" I get angry but, I hope they have seen the reports from yesterday and have realised that grief does not respond to timescales or deadlines. My life has now been changed forever as have as those of Stephen's many friends, as the song says, he has left a handprint on my heart, I am sure there are many other hearts wearing the same print http://animoto.com/play/GkTXS6BMWsRca25Z4Ix1tw
Overall I still feel I am moving forward and making progress, there are good parts of most days and tough parts of every day but all in all I am getting there, wherever "there" may be. Tomorrow I have a productive day planned at work, theres a lot of ideas swimming around in my head, they seem to be coming back slowly but surely and I am looking forward to getting back "up to speed". That doesn't mean forgetting Steve, it just means learning to live in my new situation.
Thats it for tonight, early to bed as tomorrow is a work day. Early to bed doesn't mean sleeping though, I'm still not conquering the whole sleep thing but, at least being in bed I am showing willing.
Goodnight xxx
In many ways the past 12 months have served to make me stronger. In many other ways they have highlighted my vulnerability.
After Steve's initial diagnosis I recall going out for dinner with his parents and his Uncle. The same Uncle that told him he could stand up and fight his cancer or he could pull the duvet over his head and give in to it. He told us how he was now bullet proof.
We didn't really understand but, as he had lost his Wife to cancer just 9 months previously he explained how the worse thing he could ever imagine or fear had now happened so, whatever else came his way would not be difficult to deal with.
I understand that now as I have lived through and continue to live in my worse nightmare. Being single per'se is not a nightmare, I have been single before and had a very happy and fulfilled life thank you very much. The nightmare comes in that I have lost my soulmate, lost whilst we were very much still in love with each other, lost whilst we were still in our idealistic honeymoon phase.
There seems to be no let up to my grief at the moment. It creeps up and surprises me at the most inconvenient time. This morning driving to work I heard the song "Time to say goodbye", it set me off. it's not a song Steve and I identified with but as soon as it started it too me to the crematorium, stood in front of Steve's coffin with his picture smiling back at me. I stopped tocompose myself. I ended up being about 2 minutes late for work. Not a huge issue but persoanlly frustrating that this had happened. It was a bright morning and I was in a good mood.
I considered earlier today the difference in how I feel, how well I feel I am coping, how well friends think I am coping and how "others" feel I am coping. I am not really bothered about other peoples opinions of how I am managing. I feel I have made a lot of progress, it's still less than three months since Steve died. Seeing the news reports yesterday of the 9/11 memorials and how emotional and upset those families still are after ten years of grieving made me realise my loss and how that makes me feel will be with me for the rest of my life. When people say, "so you're feeling better now?" or as my Aunt said last week, "Oh so you're over it all now" I get angry but, I hope they have seen the reports from yesterday and have realised that grief does not respond to timescales or deadlines. My life has now been changed forever as have as those of Stephen's many friends, as the song says, he has left a handprint on my heart, I am sure there are many other hearts wearing the same print http://animoto.com/play/GkTXS6BMWsRca25Z4Ix1tw
Overall I still feel I am moving forward and making progress, there are good parts of most days and tough parts of every day but all in all I am getting there, wherever "there" may be. Tomorrow I have a productive day planned at work, theres a lot of ideas swimming around in my head, they seem to be coming back slowly but surely and I am looking forward to getting back "up to speed". That doesn't mean forgetting Steve, it just means learning to live in my new situation.
Thats it for tonight, early to bed as tomorrow is a work day. Early to bed doesn't mean sleeping though, I'm still not conquering the whole sleep thing but, at least being in bed I am showing willing.
Goodnight xxx
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Because I knew you...
I know it's been a few days, I will update more later but for now please take a look at this video I was sent today. It could be viewed as an "open letter" to Steve, after all I am who I am today Because I knew you...
Saturday, 30 July 2011
Being unreasonable
That is how I am being made to feel by people at work. They came to see me on Thursday, before I had blogged about the previous few days and that was what my reference to it being a Shitty day was all about.
I understand they are concerned or missing me, (not me per se but the work I do, I really don’t think they give a toss about me personally). They said as much when they put pressure on for me to return ASAP.
I feel I have done really well. I have started to look for the positives in the day instead of accepting how I feel when I wake up. I push that nagging pain to one side, those tears welled in my eyes are barricaded in and the anger and hurt on the tip of my tongue is swallowed hard. Yes in plain terms I put on a brave face, but my tolerance levels are at an all time low my concentration is lacking to say the least and well.... there’s lots more to say but I won’t.
When I received a letter telling me they were coming to visit I felt my stress levels go through the roof, I knew it was coming and had expected it but I didn’t expect how I felt. After an hour of what felt like an intensive grilling, (It felt like they were trying to suss out if I really am ‘that’ upset about losing my Husband), it seems I failed the “test” as I have been asked to see the work doctor. Not a problem if I had something physically wrong with me but how beneficial will it be for me to trawl over all those things I have put to rest in my mind. Not least how it felt living, no, existing for Stephen’s last nine months with a death sentence hanging over your head, yes, it was over my head too, I suffered the death of my partner and my relationship with him and when he died I feel a huge part of me died with him.
I am expected to relay this to some stranger. It feels like work is saying that they cannot accept that I would be feeling this way after SO long. Six weeks, is that a long time? I don’t think so not when you consider Stephen will be dead for the rest of my lifetime not when the bond we shared was SO strong. We loved spending every minute of every day together, not like some couples who spend as much of their free time as possible outside of work apart from each other.
After that meeting I had an email from work, more on Thursday and Friday. Again, it sent me stress levels through the roof and I just had to go and be alone making myself busy just doing things so as not to think. Oh, the best bit was, “Are you planning to return to work?” What a daft question, you don’t get a cash lump sum to last you the rest of your days as a booby prize for losing your husband, the bills still roll in and they still have to be paid but now you have to do it with one wage not two! Of course I am going back, I loved my job, the diversity of it and the satisfaction of knowing you helped make a difference that I guess most charity employees get; I desperately want that normality back and that warm and fuzzy feeling of knowing you are benefitting others. I want it more than any.
Another comment was that “perhaps you should ask about medication.....” What? Fill my body with drugs to mask what I feel so when I finally stop taking them I can experience the natural, (yes grief is a natural and normal process), so I can experience the natural pain then instead and suffer what in my eyes would be a setback? No, I want to deal with this now and move forward, not hide it and move over.
Insensitive and uncaring are huge understatements. Maybe one day when they or a loved one are in my position they may get a slightly better understanding of how it feels and then I hope someone tells them that six weeks is enough time to get over it and get back to normal.
That it about work, it’s stressing me just thinking about it and I don’t want to go down that slippery slope.
The rest of Thursday was difficult to say the least. I ended up driving a friend in to town on Thursday night for her to photograph at an event. I had agreed to it last week when I was having a good day and didn’t want to let her down. I am forcing myself out of the house and in to places I don’t want to be, really to try and accelerate my progression. (With work’s attitude in mind it’s probably for the best too). It was OK, I was brutally aware of my single, (widowed) status, but she’s a caring mate and kept an eye out for me. It was tough but I lived to tell the tale and I hope to go and do other things with her in the future, she’s got a great sense of fun and she cheered me up a lot.
Yesterday was crappy too, as I said the email from work first thing set my stress through the roof. I busied myself doing other things. A friend came over yesterday afternoon then, as she was leaving two more turned up and then another. It was nice to see people. I ended up being up till after 1.30am again chatting but it was nice. I suppose an opportunity to forget for a while but remember nice things too.
The blog wasn’t done last night as I didn’t feel like it, no more complex a reason than that. I was late to bed again though.
Today is a glorious day. What shall I do? No plans no agenda. Perhaps a walk with the camera later? I feel the camera gives me an excuse to go out alone, I don’t look like such a ‘Billy no mates’ with that in my hand. I guess I look like a geek instead. I guess I need to force myself out and in to real life again, quiet places are fine, busy places are tough. I’ll decide after a shower.
I understand they are concerned or missing me, (not me per se but the work I do, I really don’t think they give a toss about me personally). They said as much when they put pressure on for me to return ASAP.
I feel I have done really well. I have started to look for the positives in the day instead of accepting how I feel when I wake up. I push that nagging pain to one side, those tears welled in my eyes are barricaded in and the anger and hurt on the tip of my tongue is swallowed hard. Yes in plain terms I put on a brave face, but my tolerance levels are at an all time low my concentration is lacking to say the least and well.... there’s lots more to say but I won’t.
When I received a letter telling me they were coming to visit I felt my stress levels go through the roof, I knew it was coming and had expected it but I didn’t expect how I felt. After an hour of what felt like an intensive grilling, (It felt like they were trying to suss out if I really am ‘that’ upset about losing my Husband), it seems I failed the “test” as I have been asked to see the work doctor. Not a problem if I had something physically wrong with me but how beneficial will it be for me to trawl over all those things I have put to rest in my mind. Not least how it felt living, no, existing for Stephen’s last nine months with a death sentence hanging over your head, yes, it was over my head too, I suffered the death of my partner and my relationship with him and when he died I feel a huge part of me died with him.
I am expected to relay this to some stranger. It feels like work is saying that they cannot accept that I would be feeling this way after SO long. Six weeks, is that a long time? I don’t think so not when you consider Stephen will be dead for the rest of my lifetime not when the bond we shared was SO strong. We loved spending every minute of every day together, not like some couples who spend as much of their free time as possible outside of work apart from each other.
After that meeting I had an email from work, more on Thursday and Friday. Again, it sent me stress levels through the roof and I just had to go and be alone making myself busy just doing things so as not to think. Oh, the best bit was, “Are you planning to return to work?” What a daft question, you don’t get a cash lump sum to last you the rest of your days as a booby prize for losing your husband, the bills still roll in and they still have to be paid but now you have to do it with one wage not two! Of course I am going back, I loved my job, the diversity of it and the satisfaction of knowing you helped make a difference that I guess most charity employees get; I desperately want that normality back and that warm and fuzzy feeling of knowing you are benefitting others. I want it more than any.
Another comment was that “perhaps you should ask about medication.....” What? Fill my body with drugs to mask what I feel so when I finally stop taking them I can experience the natural, (yes grief is a natural and normal process), so I can experience the natural pain then instead and suffer what in my eyes would be a setback? No, I want to deal with this now and move forward, not hide it and move over.
Insensitive and uncaring are huge understatements. Maybe one day when they or a loved one are in my position they may get a slightly better understanding of how it feels and then I hope someone tells them that six weeks is enough time to get over it and get back to normal.
That it about work, it’s stressing me just thinking about it and I don’t want to go down that slippery slope.
The rest of Thursday was difficult to say the least. I ended up driving a friend in to town on Thursday night for her to photograph at an event. I had agreed to it last week when I was having a good day and didn’t want to let her down. I am forcing myself out of the house and in to places I don’t want to be, really to try and accelerate my progression. (With work’s attitude in mind it’s probably for the best too). It was OK, I was brutally aware of my single, (widowed) status, but she’s a caring mate and kept an eye out for me. It was tough but I lived to tell the tale and I hope to go and do other things with her in the future, she’s got a great sense of fun and she cheered me up a lot.
Yesterday was crappy too, as I said the email from work first thing set my stress through the roof. I busied myself doing other things. A friend came over yesterday afternoon then, as she was leaving two more turned up and then another. It was nice to see people. I ended up being up till after 1.30am again chatting but it was nice. I suppose an opportunity to forget for a while but remember nice things too.
The blog wasn’t done last night as I didn’t feel like it, no more complex a reason than that. I was late to bed again though.
Today is a glorious day. What shall I do? No plans no agenda. Perhaps a walk with the camera later? I feel the camera gives me an excuse to go out alone, I don’t look like such a ‘Billy no mates’ with that in my hand. I guess I look like a geek instead. I guess I need to force myself out and in to real life again, quiet places are fine, busy places are tough. I’ll decide after a shower.
Thursday, 28 July 2011
A HUGE update
Here goes. I’ve not written for a few days so you’re in for a HUGE update.
Monday was a fairly good day. Well, sort of. You may recall I’d had a call on Saturday from Christies Hospital to go and collect Steve’s belongings which were there. I combined this with a trip to Steve’s work to drop off his computer which was brought here when he started “Working from home”. The work visit was first and was OK; I only saw Steve’s boss and we chatted a little. He’s a nice guy and Steve got on very well with him and liked him not only as a person but as a boss too.
The Christies visit was less pleasant. I had to go in to the critical care unit where Steve had been treated just before he was transferred to Hope Hospital. The nurse offered her condolence etc and I recognised her from when I was there last. I collected his bag of stuff. On the way out I bumped into the Doctor who had seen Steve on his last Chemo run, we chatted for a while but, she also said how completely shocked she had been about Steve’s passing, ESPECIALLY since she had seen him on 1st June and he died just 2 weeks later on 15th June. It was nice to talk but she understood when I told her I hope to not see her again in a ‘medical’ capacity.
After that I needed some air and a change of thought so I picked up a friend and we went to Heaton Park for a walk. I went a few weeks ago and ended up having to come home when my battery run out on the camera. This time my battery lasted a little longer but I had not charged them so I ran out of power again but I didn’t stress about it. We ended up sitting alongside the duck pond for a while chatting, it was nice to have a proper chat.
After that I drove him home and then called in at home before A friend arrived from Scotland to stay for a few days. It was nice to see here and to be able to chat. It wasn’t purely social, she had business to attend to here but all the same it was nice to catch up. We ended up talking till way too late but, it was good to do. I ended up though going to collect her from Knutsford as that’s where she had been left, it’s a long story.
Tuesday was OK, I took T to look for a scooter, and we found a really decent one quite locally. It will give her more independence, freedom and the ability to be out of the house for longer periods of time, hopefully free of pain. After that we called home again before heading off to see another friend about a different project. It all seems a bit hush hush but we’re trying not to tempt fate by bleating on about it, fingers crossed.
Tuesday evening Steve’s Mum visited as usual and again T and I spent way too long talking till far too late but again, it was good.
Yesterday was an odd day. We got up late because we’d gone to bed late. After T finally ;-) got dressed we went out. We had to call in to the bank first then went for a drive to Marple to the canal and spent a few hours watching the narrow boats navigating between locks 12 to 16. It looked like hard work for them. It made me think how realistic it is going to be for me to live on a narrow boat and cruise the network alone. The lock needs to be opened, and then the boat driven (?) in to the lock, the lock gate closed behind then wait for the lock to fill before opening the next gate, driving the boat out of the lock and then closing the lock gate behind you and then on to the next.... multiply that process by 16 and you can see how tiring and time consuming it is all likely to be, bearing in mind each lock takes about 20 minutes when at least 2 people are operating it.
I don’t want it to alter my decision but it certainly is a leveller. There’s a lot to consider. Knowing me though I am so stubborn, (like Steve) that I will probably just do it but curse the aches and pains (and exercise) involved!
After that T and I went to the Trafford Centre for dinner, we had a Thai meal and it was lovely and we then went to watch the last Harry Potter film. I guess it was significant for us both as she had read Harry Potter to her Fiancée as he lay critically ill. For me, I hadn’t thought about it before but, Steve and I have been to see every film together. I had read the books but Steve hadn’t. I refused to tell him the ending of each part though so, I realised last night Steve never knew the ending to the story. A journey Steve and I had begun together, watching a series of films, and he never got to the end.
I spent a lot of the film with tears running down my face. The 3D glasses were a good disguise. The tears flowed regardless of what was happening in the film, the film didn’t make me cry. Stephen wasn’t seeing it with me and that is what upset me.
I enjoyed the film but I had never considered going to the cinema to see a 12 rated film could be SO traumatic and make me cry almost the whole way through it.
On the way home T and I spoke about loads of stuff but the subject of music came up. She explained how she associates pieces of music with people and places. I asked what mine was. She said it is a piece for Steve and me and invited me to guess. Show tunes or Pop Music were nowhere near so I gave up and asked what song, she told me, Neil Diamond. I immediately thought or “America” or “Love on the rocks” and was puzzled. She told me it was “Forever in blue jeans”. It hit me.
I started crying straight away, the first verse says it all and I remembered straight away the time and place and events and why that song had become significant to us. I re-posted Steve’s blog last night with the song.
The first verse reads:
I told Stephen it was relevant to us, sod the drag, sod the stage lights and the glitz and glam and fun and sequins, wigs, shoes, parties, laughter and travelling, I just wanted him. I STILL only want him but, I know it will never be, not in this life at least.
I’m not going to write much about today, it’s been a Shitty day so far, hopefully I can turn it around but for now I think I have written enough.
Until next time xxx Mark xxx
Monday was a fairly good day. Well, sort of. You may recall I’d had a call on Saturday from Christies Hospital to go and collect Steve’s belongings which were there. I combined this with a trip to Steve’s work to drop off his computer which was brought here when he started “Working from home”. The work visit was first and was OK; I only saw Steve’s boss and we chatted a little. He’s a nice guy and Steve got on very well with him and liked him not only as a person but as a boss too.
The Christies visit was less pleasant. I had to go in to the critical care unit where Steve had been treated just before he was transferred to Hope Hospital. The nurse offered her condolence etc and I recognised her from when I was there last. I collected his bag of stuff. On the way out I bumped into the Doctor who had seen Steve on his last Chemo run, we chatted for a while but, she also said how completely shocked she had been about Steve’s passing, ESPECIALLY since she had seen him on 1st June and he died just 2 weeks later on 15th June. It was nice to talk but she understood when I told her I hope to not see her again in a ‘medical’ capacity.
After that I drove him home and then called in at home before A friend arrived from Scotland to stay for a few days. It was nice to see here and to be able to chat. It wasn’t purely social, she had business to attend to here but all the same it was nice to catch up. We ended up talking till way too late but, it was good to do. I ended up though going to collect her from Knutsford as that’s where she had been left, it’s a long story.
Tuesday was OK, I took T to look for a scooter, and we found a really decent one quite locally. It will give her more independence, freedom and the ability to be out of the house for longer periods of time, hopefully free of pain. After that we called home again before heading off to see another friend about a different project. It all seems a bit hush hush but we’re trying not to tempt fate by bleating on about it, fingers crossed.
Tuesday evening Steve’s Mum visited as usual and again T and I spent way too long talking till far too late but again, it was good.
Yesterday was an odd day. We got up late because we’d gone to bed late. After T finally ;-) got dressed we went out. We had to call in to the bank first then went for a drive to Marple to the canal and spent a few hours watching the narrow boats navigating between locks 12 to 16. It looked like hard work for them. It made me think how realistic it is going to be for me to live on a narrow boat and cruise the network alone. The lock needs to be opened, and then the boat driven (?) in to the lock, the lock gate closed behind then wait for the lock to fill before opening the next gate, driving the boat out of the lock and then closing the lock gate behind you and then on to the next.... multiply that process by 16 and you can see how tiring and time consuming it is all likely to be, bearing in mind each lock takes about 20 minutes when at least 2 people are operating it.
I don’t want it to alter my decision but it certainly is a leveller. There’s a lot to consider. Knowing me though I am so stubborn, (like Steve) that I will probably just do it but curse the aches and pains (and exercise) involved!
After that T and I went to the Trafford Centre for dinner, we had a Thai meal and it was lovely and we then went to watch the last Harry Potter film. I guess it was significant for us both as she had read Harry Potter to her Fiancée as he lay critically ill. For me, I hadn’t thought about it before but, Steve and I have been to see every film together. I had read the books but Steve hadn’t. I refused to tell him the ending of each part though so, I realised last night Steve never knew the ending to the story. A journey Steve and I had begun together, watching a series of films, and he never got to the end.
I spent a lot of the film with tears running down my face. The 3D glasses were a good disguise. The tears flowed regardless of what was happening in the film, the film didn’t make me cry. Stephen wasn’t seeing it with me and that is what upset me.
I enjoyed the film but I had never considered going to the cinema to see a 12 rated film could be SO traumatic and make me cry almost the whole way through it.
On the way home T and I spoke about loads of stuff but the subject of music came up. She explained how she associates pieces of music with people and places. I asked what mine was. She said it is a piece for Steve and me and invited me to guess. Show tunes or Pop Music were nowhere near so I gave up and asked what song, she told me, Neil Diamond. I immediately thought or “America” or “Love on the rocks” and was puzzled. She told me it was “Forever in blue jeans”. It hit me.
I started crying straight away, the first verse says it all and I remembered straight away the time and place and events and why that song had become significant to us. I re-posted Steve’s blog last night with the song.
The first verse reads:
Money Talks
But it don't sing and dance
And it don't walk
As long as I can have you here with me
I'd much rather be
Forever in blue jeans
Forever in Blue Jeans
I told Stephen it was relevant to us, sod the drag, sod the stage lights and the glitz and glam and fun and sequins, wigs, shoes, parties, laughter and travelling, I just wanted him. I STILL only want him but, I know it will never be, not in this life at least.
I’m not going to write much about today, it’s been a Shitty day so far, hopefully I can turn it around but for now I think I have written enough.
Until next time xxx Mark xxx
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
Nothingness
I am not sure if that is a real word or one I just made up but thats what today has been, a whole day of nothing. I got up at a reasonable time even though I was up till very late last night.
I pottered around this morning, in fact I have for most of the day. I guess with everything that has happened over the weekend I sort of felt a little lost so amongst other things Steve has been on my mind a lot again today.
I have to start looking at financial stuff in detail soon too, two peoples outgoings with one persons wage isn't easy and Steve has not made things easy for me, I guess the plans we had made were just too long term because we had no reason to doubt a longer prognosis, lesson learned I think and learned the hard way too. The thing is it has all lost it's relevance now he has gone. I just want to bury my head in the sand until it all goes away and, as it will never go away then I will have my head there for a very long time.
I have been thinking about something said on the Brain Tumour course I was at last week for http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/ plan the fun in your week. How can I plan fun? Anything fun and exciting and interesting I have done for the last 6 years has included Steve. Before Steve my 'fun' used to be dating and partying 6 or 7 nights a week but that doesn't sound attractive anymore, I have been there and done that. Whats fun? What fun can a Gay Widower have? I want some and I want to be happy on the inside not just presenting a smiling face to the outside but I don't know how.
I was thinking earlier, quite a few people have seen pictures from the weekend and have said how happy I look, how much fun it all seemed to be and how Steve would be pleased. I suppose it hurt a little hearing that I "look" happy Isn't it though funny how easily fooled we are, just painting on a smile makes people think we are happy but they have no idea what is going on inside. Before I start on this train of thought I know I will sound bitter and ungrateful so I won't even start, I guess I am still hurting. The world is moving on as it should do, people are picking themselves up and being inspired to live their life to the fullest because they have heard and seen Steve do the same. I want the world to stop, right here right now just stop, let me cling on to the fragments of Steve I have left, memories, pictures and thoughts, I don't want anyone or anything to move as it may unsettle the dust that is falling around me, I can't turn the clock back but I dont want it to go forward either. What will the future hold? I know what I want it to hold and when my head is in a "good place" I can see the vision clearly, right now though it is not, the vision is blurred by the tears in my eyes, my heart is scarred beyond recognition and I start to wonder why we thought knowing this was coming would make it easier to deal with. I can't imagine hurting more, My chest aches constantly, feeling hollow has become the norm and this sense of being lost is becoming all too familiar.
People say I am doing well but I wonder if I am dealing with it well or just masking it well. I don't know if I am sliding down that slippery slope to depression or whether I am bumbling around it and making slow progress away from it. I don't know and that is part of what is difficult. I like to be in control and I am not. Steve liked to be in control and he wasn't either, neither of us liked uncertainty other than that which we had planned, like taking 'pot luck' on which jokes to tell at a gig or whether the motorway route or dual carriageway would be quicker. I can't control these emotions yet. I guess they are like a new pet, they need to be trained to be kept in check, sometimes I spot them, grab them, and put them away but other times they just creep up on me and consume me. I suppose I need more time to be able to train this new 'pet', perhaps I should give my new 'pet grief' a name so I can laugh at it like Steve laughed at his Cancer. Either way I know I have a mountain to climb, I'll get there but perhaps I need to be a little easier on myself.
Tomorrow will be a good day, if I tell myself that now then hopefully it will be.
Until then goodnight,
Mark x
I pottered around this morning, in fact I have for most of the day. I guess with everything that has happened over the weekend I sort of felt a little lost so amongst other things Steve has been on my mind a lot again today.
I have to start looking at financial stuff in detail soon too, two peoples outgoings with one persons wage isn't easy and Steve has not made things easy for me, I guess the plans we had made were just too long term because we had no reason to doubt a longer prognosis, lesson learned I think and learned the hard way too. The thing is it has all lost it's relevance now he has gone. I just want to bury my head in the sand until it all goes away and, as it will never go away then I will have my head there for a very long time.
I have been thinking about something said on the Brain Tumour course I was at last week for http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/ plan the fun in your week. How can I plan fun? Anything fun and exciting and interesting I have done for the last 6 years has included Steve. Before Steve my 'fun' used to be dating and partying 6 or 7 nights a week but that doesn't sound attractive anymore, I have been there and done that. Whats fun? What fun can a Gay Widower have? I want some and I want to be happy on the inside not just presenting a smiling face to the outside but I don't know how.
I was thinking earlier, quite a few people have seen pictures from the weekend and have said how happy I look, how much fun it all seemed to be and how Steve would be pleased. I suppose it hurt a little hearing that I "look" happy Isn't it though funny how easily fooled we are, just painting on a smile makes people think we are happy but they have no idea what is going on inside. Before I start on this train of thought I know I will sound bitter and ungrateful so I won't even start, I guess I am still hurting. The world is moving on as it should do, people are picking themselves up and being inspired to live their life to the fullest because they have heard and seen Steve do the same. I want the world to stop, right here right now just stop, let me cling on to the fragments of Steve I have left, memories, pictures and thoughts, I don't want anyone or anything to move as it may unsettle the dust that is falling around me, I can't turn the clock back but I dont want it to go forward either. What will the future hold? I know what I want it to hold and when my head is in a "good place" I can see the vision clearly, right now though it is not, the vision is blurred by the tears in my eyes, my heart is scarred beyond recognition and I start to wonder why we thought knowing this was coming would make it easier to deal with. I can't imagine hurting more, My chest aches constantly, feeling hollow has become the norm and this sense of being lost is becoming all too familiar.
People say I am doing well but I wonder if I am dealing with it well or just masking it well. I don't know if I am sliding down that slippery slope to depression or whether I am bumbling around it and making slow progress away from it. I don't know and that is part of what is difficult. I like to be in control and I am not. Steve liked to be in control and he wasn't either, neither of us liked uncertainty other than that which we had planned, like taking 'pot luck' on which jokes to tell at a gig or whether the motorway route or dual carriageway would be quicker. I can't control these emotions yet. I guess they are like a new pet, they need to be trained to be kept in check, sometimes I spot them, grab them, and put them away but other times they just creep up on me and consume me. I suppose I need more time to be able to train this new 'pet', perhaps I should give my new 'pet grief' a name so I can laugh at it like Steve laughed at his Cancer. Either way I know I have a mountain to climb, I'll get there but perhaps I need to be a little easier on myself.
Tomorrow will be a good day, if I tell myself that now then hopefully it will be.
Until then goodnight,
Mark x
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