That’s how things are right now. It’s been quite a week since I wrote last. A long and difficult week. I would say it’s possibly been one of the most difficult weeks of recent months and I don’t understand why. I’ve had a few worries, not much more than usual though.
It hasn’t been a particularly busy week, I have kept busy but under my own initiative in the main not under the direction or request of others. I am starting to become aware though of this building stress within me, I am not sure if keeping busy is helping distract me from the thing that’s bothering me or if it’s adding to it. I appreciate being busy though as I can absorb myself in the task at hand instead of sitting and reflecting, perhaps that’s what’s making the blog difficult, having to reflect, all be it for a short time. I am forcing myself to think about things. I still recognise it’s helpful though to me and to others too and re-reading Stephen’s blog of this time last year reminds me of that.
Reading Steve’s blog of November 21st Last year I came across the following paragraph:
I have thought about Mark and what he will do when am not here - we often
laugh that it will be me getting phone calls from the police station saying
that they have picked him up in Tesco shoplifting etc wearing a big Floppy
Hay at the age of 70 - that's our plan you see - he goes slightly erratic
and I go sort him out when were older. Obviously this plan has now changed a
little bit, and I'm doing erratic and odd things and he sorts me out.
It got to me. Yes, I used to enjoy being slightly eccentric, adopting a fun a jovial outlook on life and trivialising things to make them more palatable. All of that has gone. I recognise that person but I have not seen him for a long time.
Back to the present. On Friday, after a trip to Liverpool with a friend I called in to The Trafford Centre to have a wander through the shops, More than anything it was just time out, wandering around aimlessly I wandered from one end to the other. I got to John Lewis and as I walked through the homewares department I saw a cushion on a bed in a display. It was very simple, Grey and Red and had a ‘patch’ embroidered on it which said “You & Me”. It was lovely. I approached the display to take a closer look and then it hit me. There is no “You” in my bed, there is just a “Me”. I fought back the tears, just as I am trying to do now.
Such a beautiful gift and nobody to share it with. As I walked the very long walk to where my car was parked I seemed to pass an endless number of couples, Gay couples, Lesbian couples, some clearly mature relationships and some clearly new but seeing each one gave me a punch in the gut, making me remember loud and clear what I have lost. I know our family and friends have lost too but life for them is as normal. I am the one waking up alone every morning and getting in to a cold and empty bed at night, as I know many others do but every morning I wake alone serves to remind me and, every night I slip in to a cold bed does the same.
Friday was difficult
On Saturday I spent the whole day busying myself. I started wrapping Christmas presents. On finishing the first the person for whom the gift was intended sent me a SMS message. As I completed wrapping the second the recipients arrived at the door. It was an odd coincidence and I can’t help but think Steve had some sort of influence there. The third, fourth and so on did not generate any SMS or visits etc, perhaps for the best and I continued to busy myself being creative and wrapping presents.
On Sunday I did the same again, more wrapping and more creativity. Some gifts have been parcelled up to be sent abroad, they will go to the post office this week.
Well today has seen the start of a new week. I have a busy week this week at work but a few things to look forward to throughout the week. Most importantly though I’m looking forward to the weekend. Time is whizzing by lately. Christmas is looming, beyond that there’s New Year. That’s a whole other blog entry so for now..... Goodnight and thank you for being so patient.
Showing posts with label worried. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worried. Show all posts
Monday, 21 November 2011
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
Decisions Decisions....
I really am trying hard to get back in to the swing of writing a blog on a daily basis. I suppose if I am honest I became aware that my posts were being "monitored", I don't mean by my/our usual readers but "other" so it sort of put me off but now I realise that I cannot be criticised for expressing my feelings, opinions or facts, feelings and opinions are fine and as long as everything else is fact then that's fine. In case you are sat there wondering "is it me?" the chances are that the answer is no, sorry.
Anyway, today I spent the most part of the morning on the phone, I spoke to a fried first, she has someone dear to her in the latter stages of cancer, it is so sad and it is easy to feel helpless because that's what you are. It is so hard knowing you can't do anything other than wait for mother nature to take it's course, and hope it is swift. I suppose we didn't have to suffer it for long, Steve's passing was relatively quick, it feels uncaring to see it 'written' down but until you experience it then you can't condemn it. I won't explain, it is too painful and would take too long and I won't enter into debate about it either.
After that my next phone call was very different, funny, interesting and exciting all in one call. Needless to say though I spent the largest part of my morning chatting.
This afternoon I logged on to work, I reduced my emails from well over 1200 up around 700, it's like looking at a time capsule. I had a few emails today though, well not today but I saw them today from around the time Steve died, they really took the wind out of my sails, unexpectedly nice emails which made me think again, not just about Steve but also about what I have lost. Not just though what I have lost but what his family have lost, his friends and his colleagues too.
About this I feel selfish really. I have thought about my loss and that of his family and my family but what about his friends. The friends who used to turn to him for support now have no one. The friends who would turn to Steve for advice and who would share secrets with him, he never told me who or what but I know he was always there for his mates. I would like to think they can count me as a reasonable stand in for Steve but I know I cannot replace him or their history together and nor would I want to. I guess I just realised they miss him too.
This evening I have been distracted again, not a bad thing I suppose but with the TV on in the background I am conscious that I no longer laugh at things I used to, I don't remember the last time I properly laughed, laughing without inhibition or worrying whether it is appropriate.
I do remember a time when I did laugh though. It was the day after Stephens brain surgery last year. Steve and I had booked tickets for a show in Bury, it's an LGBT event and we bought tickets for a friend and his hubby as a birthday present. There was a local comedian, another comedian and some singers. It was a good night despite everything else. I wasn't going to go as it was the day after Steves surgery. He wanted me to go so I made a deal, I went to see him in the afternoon and depending on how well he was would depend on whether I went or not. When I saw him in the afternoon he had made huge improvements from the previous night so I agreed to go.
My parents went to see Steve that night and were amazed how well he was. He was discharged the following afternoon so that shows how quickly he made progress. Major brain surgery on Wednesday and sent home with 36 surgical staples in his head on Friday. That puts me in mind of another story though but I won't go in to it just now.
Anyway the show is on again this year, the same local comedian /compere and a few others, not sure if I can bring myself to go. I want to as I had a really great laugh last year, the type of laughing which hurts your sides. I am sure this year will be as funny but, (and there always seems to be a but), it is on the anniversary of Steve being given 12to 18 months to live. I don't know how I will feel. I know Steve would want me to go again but I really don't know. Here's the link: (not sure why the hyperlink won't work)
http://themet.biz/event/not_the_only_gays_in_the_village/1108/
It's a tough decision. I don't want a Harry Potter repeat though where I sob all the way through but, I know there are a whole heap on anniversaries to come. I really don't know. I want to..... but I don't.......
No point in stressing about a decision now anyway, I'd need to see who else is up for going so I can think about it another time. It's bed time now.
Goodnight,
Mark xXx
Anyway, today I spent the most part of the morning on the phone, I spoke to a fried first, she has someone dear to her in the latter stages of cancer, it is so sad and it is easy to feel helpless because that's what you are. It is so hard knowing you can't do anything other than wait for mother nature to take it's course, and hope it is swift. I suppose we didn't have to suffer it for long, Steve's passing was relatively quick, it feels uncaring to see it 'written' down but until you experience it then you can't condemn it. I won't explain, it is too painful and would take too long and I won't enter into debate about it either.
After that my next phone call was very different, funny, interesting and exciting all in one call. Needless to say though I spent the largest part of my morning chatting.
This afternoon I logged on to work, I reduced my emails from well over 1200 up around 700, it's like looking at a time capsule. I had a few emails today though, well not today but I saw them today from around the time Steve died, they really took the wind out of my sails, unexpectedly nice emails which made me think again, not just about Steve but also about what I have lost. Not just though what I have lost but what his family have lost, his friends and his colleagues too.
About this I feel selfish really. I have thought about my loss and that of his family and my family but what about his friends. The friends who used to turn to him for support now have no one. The friends who would turn to Steve for advice and who would share secrets with him, he never told me who or what but I know he was always there for his mates. I would like to think they can count me as a reasonable stand in for Steve but I know I cannot replace him or their history together and nor would I want to. I guess I just realised they miss him too.
This evening I have been distracted again, not a bad thing I suppose but with the TV on in the background I am conscious that I no longer laugh at things I used to, I don't remember the last time I properly laughed, laughing without inhibition or worrying whether it is appropriate.
I do remember a time when I did laugh though. It was the day after Stephens brain surgery last year. Steve and I had booked tickets for a show in Bury, it's an LGBT event and we bought tickets for a friend and his hubby as a birthday present. There was a local comedian, another comedian and some singers. It was a good night despite everything else. I wasn't going to go as it was the day after Steves surgery. He wanted me to go so I made a deal, I went to see him in the afternoon and depending on how well he was would depend on whether I went or not. When I saw him in the afternoon he had made huge improvements from the previous night so I agreed to go.
My parents went to see Steve that night and were amazed how well he was. He was discharged the following afternoon so that shows how quickly he made progress. Major brain surgery on Wednesday and sent home with 36 surgical staples in his head on Friday. That puts me in mind of another story though but I won't go in to it just now.
Anyway the show is on again this year, the same local comedian /compere and a few others, not sure if I can bring myself to go. I want to as I had a really great laugh last year, the type of laughing which hurts your sides. I am sure this year will be as funny but, (and there always seems to be a but), it is on the anniversary of Steve being given 12to 18 months to live. I don't know how I will feel. I know Steve would want me to go again but I really don't know. Here's the link: (not sure why the hyperlink won't work)
http://themet.biz/event/not_the_only_gays_in_the_village/1108/
It's a tough decision. I don't want a Harry Potter repeat though where I sob all the way through but, I know there are a whole heap on anniversaries to come. I really don't know. I want to..... but I don't.......
No point in stressing about a decision now anyway, I'd need to see who else is up for going so I can think about it another time. It's bed time now.
Goodnight,
Mark xXx
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