Under the microscope...

Yep, thats what's happening right now, I feel I am under the microscope... annoying, frustrating, upsetting and un-nerving.  All will be resolved eventually but for now it is just there..... just like Steve's Cancer was just there...

Perhaps I should go and see that works Doctor or Shrink they wanted to send me to, I can chat to him about that and see what his views are.  Maybe not.

I cant remember when I blogged last... Friday I think so here goes for yesterday.  Twas a good day, not weather wise,that was REALLY bad, heavy rain all over but it didn't dampen my spirits.

I went out for the day with a Friend.  I filled the car with petrol, (that seems to be an expensive luxury too these days), and went to collect him.  We drove out to Gawthorpe Hall to have a look around. It was OK, not a huge house but quite interesting.  It would have been better with better weather but it was a pleasant day.

After that we drove over to Clitheroe which was OK.  I was expecting lots of little quirky shops but, thats not really what we saw.  It was OK though and I guess again the rain did make us less enthusiastic about traipsing around the shops.

From there we had a nosey at Barton Grange, a nice place to have a nosey at and already they have their chrimbo stuff in.  We chatted about Christmas again though.  I am dreading it this year.  I have had offers from friends to go and stay with them but I am still unsure, I dont really wamt to put a dampner on anyone elses Christmas by being miserable or missing Steve but I know it is going to be a tough time.

Steve LOVED Christmas, he always said he loved they was my family go over the top at Christmas with decorations and presents etc as his Chirstmasses as a kid were not like that.  Perhaps some pictures will help explain;

Fireplace 1

Fireplace 2

Fireplace 3

Stairs

Pink Candlestick

Tall Candleabra

Bling Tree

Our Christmasses here have always been fun and Steve and I have already started Christmas shopping.  We were never as bad as to start in January, it always seems a little mean to but presents for next year in this year's sale but if we were out and saw an interesting or unusual item we thought would be particularly useful or suitable for someone then we would buy it and put it aside for Christmas.

I still subscribe to all that and all that is Christmas, I still love the season but I am dreading not having Steve with me.  The sympathetic looks or being lavished with pity for being the lonely widower. 

New year is worse, I hate it and always have.  Steve and I were supposed to work last year, (until his diagnosis that is) as he also disliked new year.  Last year we had a particularly shitty day on New years Eve, (it was the first anniversary of his Aunt's death due to cancer), so we were both in bed around 9pm.  Both upset and both scared of the future.  What was there for us to look forward to in a "New Year"?

This year I want to disappear for Christmas and New year and come back when it's all over.  I don't know what I will end up doing though.  If this place had sold and I was living alone that would be fine, I could be home alone but, as it hasn't sold yet then I have to make alternative plans.  I don't know what they will be yet.... where can I go that isn't very costly where there will be no mention of Christmas or New year?  A cave somewhere I guess!

Today I have a day of being busy planned, I want to be busy to distract myself.  I am signing off now and I will make a start.  I'm not sure what it is that I will start but I'm going to do it now.... well soon anyway.

Have a great day xxx

Mark

Decisions Decisions....

I really am trying hard to get back in to the swing of writing a blog on a daily basis.  I suppose if I am honest I became aware that my posts were being "monitored", I don't mean by my/our usual readers but "other" so it sort of put me off but now I realise that I cannot be criticised for expressing my feelings, opinions or facts, feelings and opinions are fine and as long as everything else is fact then that's fine.  In case you are sat there wondering "is it me?" the chances are that the answer is no, sorry.

Anyway, today I spent the most part of the morning on the phone, I spoke to a fried first, she has someone dear to her in the latter stages of cancer, it is so sad and it is easy to feel helpless because that's what you are.  It is so hard knowing you can't do anything other than wait for mother nature to take it's course, and hope it is swift.  I suppose we didn't have to suffer it for long, Steve's passing was relatively quick, it feels uncaring to see it 'written' down but until you experience it then you can't condemn it.  I won't explain, it is too painful and would take too long and I won't enter into debate about it either.

After that my next phone call was very different, funny, interesting and exciting all in one call.  Needless to say though I spent the largest part of my morning chatting.

This afternoon I logged on to work, I reduced my emails from well over 1200 up around 700, it's like looking at a time capsule.  I had a few emails today though, well not today but I saw them today from around the time Steve died, they really took the wind out of my sails, unexpectedly nice emails which made me think again, not just about Steve but also about what I have lost.  Not just though what I have lost but what his family have lost, his friends and his colleagues too.

About this I feel selfish really.  I have thought about my loss and that of his family and my family but what about his friends.  The friends who used to turn to him for support now have no one. The friends who would turn to Steve for advice and who would share secrets with him, he never told me who or what but I know he was always there for his mates.  I would like to think they can count me as a reasonable stand in for Steve but I know I cannot replace him or their history together and nor would I want to.  I guess I just realised they miss him too.

This evening I have been distracted again, not a bad thing I suppose but with the TV on in the background I am conscious that I no longer laugh at things I used to, I don't remember the last time I properly laughed, laughing without inhibition or worrying whether it is appropriate.

I do remember a time when I did laugh though.  It was the day after Stephens brain surgery last year.  Steve and I had booked tickets for a show in Bury, it's an LGBT event and we bought tickets for a friend and his hubby as a birthday present.  There was a local comedian, another comedian and some singers.  It was a good night despite everything else.  I wasn't going to go as it was the day after Steves surgery. He wanted me to go so I made a deal, I went to see him in the afternoon and depending on how well he was would depend on whether I went or not.  When I saw him in the afternoon he had made huge improvements from the previous night so I agreed to go.  

My parents went to see Steve that night and were amazed how well he was. He was discharged the following afternoon so that shows how quickly he made progress.  Major brain surgery on Wednesday and sent home with 36 surgical staples in his head on Friday.  That puts me in mind of another story though but I won't go in to it just now.

Anyway the show is on again this year, the same local comedian /compere and a few others, not sure if I can bring myself to go.  I want to as I had a really great laugh last year, the type of laughing which hurts your sides.  I am sure this year will be as funny but, (and there always seems to be a but), it is on the anniversary of Steve being given 12to 18 months to live.  I don't  know how I will feel.  I know Steve would want me to go again but I really don't know.  Here's the link: (not sure why the hyperlink won't work)

http://themet.biz/event/not_the_only_gays_in_the_village/1108/

It's a tough decision.  I don't want a Harry Potter repeat though where I sob all the way through but, I know there are a whole heap on anniversaries to come.  I really don't know.  I want to..... but I don't.......

No point in stressing about a decision now anyway, I'd need to see who else is up for going so I can think about it another time.  It's bed time now.

Goodnight,
Mark xXx