A New Box! A New Rant!

I am sure many of you will look at that title and wonder... “what the hell?.....” So, here goes. Anyone that knows me now or who has known me over the years knows I have a bit of a thing for boxes. Not the cardboard variety but just nice boxes. I have special boxes for cufflinks, obviously one for jewellery and another for watches. There’s some with photos and some for photos which are in frames, (I tend to move pictures around). There are some full of trinkets and bits and some that I may not have looked in for many months but in addition to those I have memory boxes too. I say boxes as in plural as there are a few. The most recent being obviously one which has a lot of Stuff from Steve’s last 18 months or so in there. In short, I have bought a new box, I will explain.

You may or may not be a friend with me on Facebook, it doesn’t matter if you are not because I will explain. This weekend I got more than a little frustrated with Facebook. This was because I realised how very restrictive it can be. These thoughts were brought about as I looked at the pictures I had just had delivered, they were pictures Jonathan and I have taken since we have been together and there was one I had printed so I could frame it. I really like the picture and it’s a nice memory, taken just a month after we first met.

To go with this “marker” I thought it would be nice to update my relationship status to “In a relationship”, not for any other reason than I think it is quite positive to be able to show that there can be life after bereavement, for others who are facing difficult times such as I have endured and for family and friends who are, on times, afraid to comment on how “happy” you seem as they don’t want to cause offence or appear disrespectful to the lost loved one.

To me, a relationship status of “Widowed & In a relationship” would sum up exactly where I am at. Unfortunately Facebook disagrees as I can only be one or the other. Now this puts me in a quandary. I would and could never deny I am a widower but at the same time I don’t want to deny I am in a new relationship. At what point do I make the change from Widower to whatever is next? When I re-marry? When a specific period of time has passed or just when the wind is blowing in the right direction? Even when I do re-marry then surely I would still be a Widower all be it a re-married Widower? Am I holding too much emphasis on that status as the surviving spouse? I think I know the answer, I think it has to be when I am ready to make the switch.

It is true that for a period of time when first bereaved you automatically gain a certain amount of understanding, sympathy and tolerance from people around you, “Oh, he’s just lost his husband.....” etc but I am sure that fades over time as people become used to the new ‘norm’. By keeping my widowed status am I preventing others from moving on? Does this make seeing me with someone else more difficult for them? Already it’s been mentioned that getting used to saying Mark & Jonathan feels odd especially when they are used to Mark & Steve. The top and bottom of all this though is that I don’t have an answer, there is no right and no wrong. I feel truly blessed to have met Jonathan though and, even more so when I see and hear how comfortable he is with Steve and his memory. I even heard him chatting to the Cat yesterday asking her if she missed her Daddy Steve?! Clearly the cat didn’t reply she just continued to purr but I am happy that Steve seems to have become a part of Jonathan’s life too. In an odd sort of way I wish they had both been able to meet, I am sure they would have got on fantastically. My relationship status will change soon, in the meantime I have sent an email to Facebook to note my disappointment and suggest this may need re-thinking.

Back to the new box though. Because I am at this new and exciting point with Jonathan I want to enjoy it and I want to be able to look back and remember all those fun things we did together in the early days. I have bought a new leather box, it’s quite big but, I hope it will fill over the years with many tokens, scraps of paper, tickets or any and all manner of things which will probably have no monetary value just a sentimental one. I’ve started with a few ticket stubs and a photo album which I have started to fill. I’m also taking the time to add dates to the pictures as it can be tiresome to try and recall when a picture was taken. I hope Jonathan will add bits to it too as it’s as much his memory box as mine now.... It is empty and waiting to be filled in just the same way as those megabytes of web space I have waiting to be populated and the blank pages of Jonathan’s diary he has yet to fill.

So that’s it, that’s all about the new box. I will tell you a little about our weekend though before I go. Friday night was lovely, just the two of us and two cats, sat in with dinner, a few drinks, soft music and plenty of chat. On Saturday we got up and after a light breakfast headed out to meet friends for afternoon tea in Manchester. Well, as you may expect, tea led to beer which led to further beer, we stayed out for dinner though and another drink and finally left Manchester after 10.00pm. It was a lovely relaxed and spontaneous day with good company, good food and good drinks too. I am very much looking forward to doing it again. Yesterday was a busy day, we had a late start but a friend called in and met Jonathan then we headed out to see family before coming back so more friends could meet Jonathan. He is becoming somewhat of a tourist attraction, I guess it may be the bunny pictures that did it.... hmmm did I post that here? Well here goes, he will hate it but I think he looks cute!

We relaxed last night and again just sat and chatted over a few drinks. I didn’t want to get up this morning but when I did I was smiling! This was because Jonathan had got up just a few minutes before and showed me his “Alarm Clock Dance”! I have no idea how to explain this but it is suffice to say I have never seen anything like it and it’s the first time in a long time I have chuckled as I got up on a Monday morning.

Well I hope your day has been a good one and I will be back to write again soon.

xxMxx

New Year and beyond

Looking back new year seems to have been a long time ago.  I was so worried about it but, in the end it worked out OK.  My parents spent most of the day out and about so I was left to my own devices.  I busied myself during the day and then after a shower decided to go out for a wander.

I wanted to buy some Issey Miyake aftershave for myself.  It was a favourite of Steve and I, I wore it before Steve met me but he liked it and we wore it on our wedding day and the funeral director made sure Steve had a "squirt" once he was ready for his final performance.  It's odd but smell evokes so many memories.

I recently re read Steve's blog from last Christmas and he mentions the same then.  I bought him a fragrance which reminded me of when we first met and he bought me more of the fragrance I was wearing when we met.  Happy memories refreshed by just slight hint of fragrance.

Anyway, long story short it wasn't in the sales so I didn't bother.  I can buy it at full price anytime to I will wait a little.  I wandered through the shopping centre and didn't buy a thing.  I've lost the desire to shop, there's not a lot I need and nothing I need urgently.

I got home and relaxed with a nice cup of Earl Grey tea and then, as darkness had fallen, I wrote my letter to Stephen on a Chinese balloon lantern and then lit it and watched it float off into the night.  I was tearful but, felt so much better for doing that.

I opened a bottle of wine but, failed to drink more than two glasses.  I saw the new year in with a cup of Earl Grey.  I watched the fireworks at London on the TV and felt the "BOOM" a lot closer to home as our neighbours set off a load of fireworks.

On new years day I relaxed.  No agenda, just a whole lot of not very much and that was the same until I returned to work on 3rd January.  it was good to be back to work.  Not because I like it there but because I was just pleased to be back to normal. 

The decorations came down shortly afterwards and things have got back to how they were before.  The numbness has returned and life is as normal (or abnormal) as it was before.

I've had a bit of a thoughtful day today.  I read today about another young man who has lost his battle against a GBM, he leaves behind a wife and two children under three years old.  This disease really doesn't discriminate about age etc and doesn't care how many lives it affects it just does it's thing.

I really feel for anyone facing the diagnosis of a GBM and the more I learn about them the more I feel this.

On a different note, I learnt at New year that a dear friend of mine has been awarded an OBE in the Queen's new Year honours list, she is now Melanie Bryan OBE, read more about her here: http://www.melaniebryan.moonfruit.com/

Apart from that I don't have a lot of news, I do have a document to upload to Stephens website, http://troubleonline.co.uk/ but will do that in the next few days and write some more.  I am sure there was more I needed to write and my thoughts have been more complex than I have mentioned but right now I am in a lighter mood so I won't dwell on that for now.

I'll write soon,

xx Mark xx

Under the microscope...

Yep, thats what's happening right now, I feel I am under the microscope... annoying, frustrating, upsetting and un-nerving.  All will be resolved eventually but for now it is just there..... just like Steve's Cancer was just there...

Perhaps I should go and see that works Doctor or Shrink they wanted to send me to, I can chat to him about that and see what his views are.  Maybe not.

I cant remember when I blogged last... Friday I think so here goes for yesterday.  Twas a good day, not weather wise,that was REALLY bad, heavy rain all over but it didn't dampen my spirits.

I went out for the day with a Friend.  I filled the car with petrol, (that seems to be an expensive luxury too these days), and went to collect him.  We drove out to Gawthorpe Hall to have a look around. It was OK, not a huge house but quite interesting.  It would have been better with better weather but it was a pleasant day.

After that we drove over to Clitheroe which was OK.  I was expecting lots of little quirky shops but, thats not really what we saw.  It was OK though and I guess again the rain did make us less enthusiastic about traipsing around the shops.

From there we had a nosey at Barton Grange, a nice place to have a nosey at and already they have their chrimbo stuff in.  We chatted about Christmas again though.  I am dreading it this year.  I have had offers from friends to go and stay with them but I am still unsure, I dont really wamt to put a dampner on anyone elses Christmas by being miserable or missing Steve but I know it is going to be a tough time.

Steve LOVED Christmas, he always said he loved they was my family go over the top at Christmas with decorations and presents etc as his Chirstmasses as a kid were not like that.  Perhaps some pictures will help explain;

Fireplace 1

Fireplace 2

Fireplace 3

Stairs

Pink Candlestick

Tall Candleabra

Bling Tree

Our Christmasses here have always been fun and Steve and I have already started Christmas shopping.  We were never as bad as to start in January, it always seems a little mean to but presents for next year in this year's sale but if we were out and saw an interesting or unusual item we thought would be particularly useful or suitable for someone then we would buy it and put it aside for Christmas.

I still subscribe to all that and all that is Christmas, I still love the season but I am dreading not having Steve with me.  The sympathetic looks or being lavished with pity for being the lonely widower. 

New year is worse, I hate it and always have.  Steve and I were supposed to work last year, (until his diagnosis that is) as he also disliked new year.  Last year we had a particularly shitty day on New years Eve, (it was the first anniversary of his Aunt's death due to cancer), so we were both in bed around 9pm.  Both upset and both scared of the future.  What was there for us to look forward to in a "New Year"?

This year I want to disappear for Christmas and New year and come back when it's all over.  I don't know what I will end up doing though.  If this place had sold and I was living alone that would be fine, I could be home alone but, as it hasn't sold yet then I have to make alternative plans.  I don't know what they will be yet.... where can I go that isn't very costly where there will be no mention of Christmas or New year?  A cave somewhere I guess!

Today I have a day of being busy planned, I want to be busy to distract myself.  I am signing off now and I will make a start.  I'm not sure what it is that I will start but I'm going to do it now.... well soon anyway.

Have a great day xxx

Mark

Am I "really" being selfish?

Before I even start this blog I know it will be a bit of a ramble. I have so many thoughts in my mind that I just need to release them all and then see what’s in there. Not sure if that makes sense but I am being selfish for now and this blog is for me. It’s been a tough week and I need the outlet right now.


Firstly I was reminded by a friend last night about the consultant’s analogy when he diagnosed a “cystic tumour”. He said right now they have just a picture of the tumour, much like an aerial photograph from a plane. They can see the factory (tumour) but they can’t see what that factory makes, i.e. they don’t know if it in benign or cancerous cells being produced.

We bought in to that explanation as it seemed simple and plausible. The consultant might have told us what sort of factory it “appears” to be but he didn’t. This isn’t a criticism at all, the consultant was great and Steve almost immediately bought in to him. He was an older gent, much like a granddad; although too young to be Steve’s granddad he had a friendly face and a nice disposition.

Once Steve’s tumour had been identified, in location and size really as we still didn’t have a name. He chose to give it a name. He called it Clive. Clive the clump and, September 22nd would be Clive’s eviction day. Big Sista, (Steve) had decided it would be evicted from the Big Bruvva house.

Steve’s humour was not appreciated by all. Some thought him disrespectful to not take his condition seriously. Steve and I always joked about his tumour, that’s because that the way he wanted it. He figured in much the same way as the monster under your bed (you imagine as a child), is less scary when you picture it wearing bunny ears and a pink tutu by Steve mocking his tumour then it could not harm him.

Even though Steve is no longer with us I still like to think his tumour didn’t get the better of him. It didn’t rob him of his dignity and, I only have good memories of Steve. I reckon most, if not all, of his family and friends also have good memories as none of them saw him “ill”. He carried on regardless. I knew he was struggling. Struggling to stay awake, struggling to keep on walking or talking or being sociable but, Steve NEVER gave in to it. He would not allow it.

When we went to Scotland in April for his birthday he found the constant walking and sightseeing tiresome and difficult. He never let on. Not to our friends anyway. I knew because I knew Steve but he masked it well. Sometimes I wish he hadn’t. Would we have taken it more slowly if he had been honest? Probably. And that is what Steve DIDNT want. He wanted to be “normal” so he kept quiet and I supported his choice.

The same with work. He wanted to be “normal”. On the Friday before he died he “worked from home” as usual. Just 5 days later he was dead. Nobody understood his desire to work and maintain a routine. I did. He didn’t want to let go of the life he loved and never for one minute did he believe that Cancer would win.

Cancer hasn’t won. Because he didn’t deteriorate or become bedbound he will always remain young and vibrant, happy and cheerful. Even on the Sunday, before he died on Wednesday, he joked with a friend (G) and was happy and positive. He was the last friend really to see Steve “well”.

Re-reading that last paragraph is difficult through the tears but that, I suppose, is why things have been so tough. Steve was never “ill”, he became a little poorly and then died. All within days.

Steve “evicting” his tumour was typical of him. Dumb it down so people didn’t worry. He was petrified, (and so was I) but he never let on to anyone.

I received a phone call today from Steve’s Macmillan nurse, she asked how I was. It took me by surprise but, it was lovely to hear from her. She really cheered Steve up and, although he wasn’t in constant contact with her she remembered him when we saw her at Christies Hospital in the corridor and she made a hugely positive impact on Steve. Just being herself. She is a lovely person and SO easy to speak to. I can’t sing her praises highly enough and, on top of all that she came to Steve’s funeral. She didn’t need to and I wouldn’t have thought any less of her if she didn’t but she came. I owe her a HUGE hug when I see her next.

The phone call was lovely and it turns out she has been meaning to call for a while. I know that feeling, I have been “meaning” to message a few of our friends for a while and have even promised to go for coffee with a few but have not got to do that yet. I have not forgotten but I don’t want to inflict my melancholy on them. Some friends just get that from me anyway although I would prefer them not to, sometimes it is impossible to avoid.

Moving on, forward, upward, positively, all “good” words to make me feel better, I received a text from a friend this week to ask about meeting up this weekend. It was unexpected but VERY much appreciated. I have had lots of offers over the past weeks and months and I love all of our friends for that but I guess it’s just “pot luck” at the moment if they catch me on a good day or bad. If it’s a good day and I say yes then I tend to not go back on that. On a bad day I’d probably decline an invitation, even though I know I run the risk of not being asked again. I just hope people understand that I am trying. I WANT to feel happy but sometimes my heart, sometimes my head and sometimes both say NO!

Fortunately right not I feel the bad days are getting fewer or not quite as deep. The good days have not increased proportionately but, I am now experiencing “neutral” days. That’s a bonus. The “happy” medium between both ends of the scale.

Well, for now that’s about it. I do have loads more swimming around in my head but I guess that’s enough for now.

Love to you, whoever and wherever you are, I know you care because you are reading. I care that you care enough to spend your time reading. Thank you, sending big hugs xxx

Mark x

What a day!

Well what a day it has been today.  I knew it would be a tough one anyway as it was my first full day in work since Steve's death so it was an early(ish) night last night and three alarms set for this morning, just in case.

I got up no problem and just pottered around slowly, not usual for me as usually when I am working it is a mad flit around to iron clothes, get dressed and get out ASAP but this morning I had loads of time to spare.

I got to the office and got settled in my new place, I was not happy, sat in a draught in a corner on a dodgy desk, I felt like a spare part, like I didn't belong there.

I busied myself with a few things and my mobile rang for the third time, unusually it was my Dad so I answered as he was away with my Mum visiting family in Wales and it's unlike him to call.

After hearing his opening words..... "now don't worry....." I knew I wouldn't like what came next.  He proceeded to tell me how my Mum had been driving, (again this was unusual as she rarely drives as my Dad likes to drive) and she has crashed the car, quite badly, and could I give him his insurance company details.

You can imagine how I felt.  My heart sunk.  If it's not one thing it's another and again, why do I keep hearing the phrase "you don't get sent anything you can't handle...". I was told they had crashed into the central reservation at a junction, I later saw it was a traffic island and it was actually a lamppost that they had crashed in to.

I got the details he needed from the Internet and a few quick calls and sent them through.   The Police were called and an Ambulance and I'm relieved there were no serious injuries.  The car is another matter.

They tried to move the car but it wasn't for moving, the recovery truck had to come and take it away.  It will be delivered home in the next few days and then the insurance assessor will need to view it.  They have no idea if it is repairable.

Until the assessor has seen the car they can't get a courtesy car either so,  they were left stranded in Wales.  Shaken up, with luggage and miles Fromm anywhere.  

To cut a long story short they were collected and taken to my Aunt's house and I drove down to collect them, a 400(ish) mile round trip.  My first day back to work had been cut short and I got to go for a long drive instead.  I am not sure if that was better than a full day in the office.

You will recall though I mentioned I knew today would be a tough one.  I didn't have a crystal ball and the first day back wasn't my only concern.  Today marks one year since Steve was admitted to hospital.  

One year ago today was the first night we had spent apart from each other since we had met six years previously.  We had met on a Friday and by the following Thursday Steve had moved in and we lived happily ever after, or at least until 8th September 2010.

Following on from his lengthy assessment the previous day Steve had been asked to return to the hospital at 10am for a CAT scan.  He went to work as usual and told his boss he would be an hour or so as the appointment to  discuss the results was set for the Friday so he went on the bus to he hospital but, following his scan he was asked to return to the clinic.  He did so and was told immediately that he is being admitted.  He was shoved into a wheelchair and carted off to the medical assessment unit and given a huge dose of steroid

He was annoyed in particular because he had a mountain of work to complete and felt pissed that he had been forced to sit in a wheelchair.  Two minutes before he was well enough to walk to the clinic but now he was not well enough to walk from the clinic to the ward allegedly.  He felt fine.  The only explanation he was given was that he had a growth behind his left eye.

Steve called me at work, I was shocked to say the least but, as they were still doing tests he reckoned I was best not coming to the hospital until later ithe afternoon as by then he should be ok to go home.  He was very wrong.

I of course spent the whole afternoon googling "lump behind the left eye".  It came up with all sorts including brain tumours but, the most scary thing I could find then was some sort of condition which meant he would lose one eye.  Because if the condition the socket would be damaged too and he would be left with a horrible hole where his eye once was and would have to wear an eyepatch.  

This was the worse thing I could see at the time but I sort of figured he could still perform and do all the same things with one eye but his mascara for stage would last double the time.  I didn't share this with Steve at the time but I did many months later, we laughed about it afterwards and wished that that was what he had instead.

Later that day it became clear he was staying in hospital, he thought it would be for one night so I came home and packed the necessaries, waited for Steves Mum to arrive as she wanted to come too and took off to hospital with his stuff.  He was well, bored and frustrated and scared to be in hospital but otherwise well.  We all joked about how he was being dramatic.  

He was angry and kept insisting there was nothing wrong but he was just humouring the doctors.  Remember, up to now he had not been suffering from any symptoms, a few migraines now and again but he got those as a child and he was in the busiest period of the year at work and was operating two computers at his desk so assumed the migraines were more due to eye strain. A change of prescription was ruled out after the optician had said his current prescription was fine just a few days before.

I remember the journey home from the hospital with Steve's Mum. I shared what I had learned and also mentioned brain tumours.  I remember saying, there isn't a lot behind your eye other than your brain so what else can it be? Neither of us wanted to dwell on it.

When I got home some friends called to check on how Steve had been, we had updated people through the day by text.  Most of our friends were concerned, there was one notable exception but that's another story.

When I got in I cracked open a bottle of Vodka, I needed a drink.  I was home alone so after just one drink I trundled off to bed, my head was swimming with more thoughts that I ever imagined possible. Below is a picture of Steve on his first night in hospital, made to wear a gown so he got the idea he was staying.

This time last year I was settling down to my first night without Steve since meeting him.  on getting in to my side of the bed and feeling to cold and empty space next to me I started to cry, then I sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed myself to sleep.  I remember crying in to my pillow and saying out loud, "please don't die please don't die please don't die...." and asking what would I do without him.

Re-living this just 12 short months further on feels odd.  It's like recalling a film but, I am sat here in bed, alone.  I know it is real.  I know he has gone.  I look at his picture and he smiles at me as he always has, tonight I just can't smile back at him. Just 365 days ago I had my first taste of what life is like now.  A cold and lonely bed crying myself to sleep and waking up knowing I have to do it all again tomorrow.

Now you understand why today is a tough day.....

A busy day....

Here I am again, it must be 'that' time of night.  Its odd you know as I always used to remind Steve to do his blog before bed, most times he would and only sometimes he would say he didn't want to, when I reminded him about "his readers" he often just got on and wrote it.  On the whole though he was very good, sometimes even doing a few in the day or starting it in the day and adding to it as the day went on.  I cant do that. The time Steve used for his mini updates was usually when I was driving, I'm driving so therefore cant. 

Today has been a busy sort of day.  I got up early and did a bit of stuff for work. I sent a few emails too sort of explaining my disappearance to a few people, I think they will understand, well, those that actually noticed I've not been around.

After that I was on a 'Steve mission'.  I ordered a keyring for myself a few weeks ago, a late night eBay shopping spree, basically a small vial or tube to put some of Steve's ashes in and keep in your pocket etc. There is it in blue with my keys.

They are made from aluninium so are very durable and, don't worry, I have superglued the screw top shut, just in case!  The idea came to me after I recalled a friend has something similar on his keys in which he has a recreational drug, for emergency use.  Nothing sinister, just a Viagra... I have no idea, (and no desire to establish), whether it is his own prescription or acquired via another source.  A great idea I thought (and no, I won't say who).

Anyway, I showed his Mum and she liked them so we ordered more.  Well, it was my job to fill them today, and yes, again I glued the lids on!  I delivered them to her tonight, she's happy with them and his Dad is happy with his too so thats all good.

I spent the evening with Steve's parents, really just talking about Steve.  It was good to chat.  It's really the first time I have had a chance to speak to his Dad properly since the funeral.  He seems well and, even though I know he is still hurting from the loss too; he seems to have adjusted pretty well.  We spoke about all sorts including the legacy Steve wanted to leave, as I said, it was good to talk.

On returning home this evening I have done very little, I chatted to my Mum for a bit and have since been sat here at the PC.  I think bed is calling soon.  I have loads I want to do tomorrow.  The days just whizz past.

All in all it's not been a bad day.  I'm missing Steve loads right now though.  Being in Oldham today, somewhere I have only ever been with Steve before, (not least because I /We had no reason to go there other than to see his family),  it has been like a series of pin pricks, just small jabs at my sub conscious I guess, or like a child tugging at your trouser leg, just a nagging reminder.

To say I am "missing him" is not expressive enough, I'm not going to try tonight either.  I'm off to bed, it's cold and lonely without Steve there but I'm getting used to it.  Also, in addition to my thick feather duvet  I have a fleece throw on the bed too, I don't seem to be able to get warm enough in bed.  We used to just have a sheet, even in deepest winter as Steve and I were always warm.... like I said though, I'm getting used to it.

Goodnight x

A day of thinking

This has not been a bad thing, the thinking has all been about someone. Else's project, someone elsess business idea and someone else's headache and excitement really but, let's start with yesterday.

As you know weekends have really been the toughest part of the week for me, those were the times Steve and I would find fun and interesting things to do, sometimes just shopping or doing nothing but it was with steve so being without him has made then extremely hard.

Yesterday I got up and wondered what to do. I looked at the weather and it was raining so a day out with the camera seemed off limits so I pondered, all this before getting out of bed.

I finally got up and decided I would have a day being creative, I decided some sewing was in order. I finally settled on making a handbag for a friend. It's. Up cycled (new word for recycled) from all sorts of stuff but I spent the largest part of the day on it. It was good distraction therapy because whilst I did think about steve I was too busy to get emotional. It was good therapy really. After that I made a necklace and did a few other things too so all in all a. Very creative day. I spent some time online last night but nothing to speak of so it was off to bed at a reasonable time.

Today I got up and phoned work because they had asked me to call today, I sorted a few other things then showered and got dressed. A friend came for lunch, I made a fish risotto which was lovely then we sat and chatted about her ideas. The plans are huge but, they look achievable as each element of the big idea is quite manageable for her. It looks exciting. We also spoke about a new accolade she has been awarded and how it can be 'used', again this all sounds very "cloak and dagger" but I guess this isn't really the right place to publicise her plans, although her 'thing' is public I don't feel my blog is the right place for it.... I think will understand my reasoning... I. Hope.

This evening I have been speaking to T at BT Buddies about the Corrie storyline about Brain Tumours, its a difficult topic and we each have thoughts on how it could be done better but, the main thing is that the story is running and it is raising awareness and that is all that matters.

Well it is almost bed time here for me, I have been reading a few blogs about brain tumours tonight, I wish I could stop them all as nobody should have to go through what I am going through now and what Steve and I went trough since September, I can't though and it hurts.

Well tomorrow is a new day, I am tying to keep on this upward slope of being OK so fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

Lost

Thats how I have felt this weekend.  yesterday was a lovely day weather wise but not really for me.

After writing my blog in the morning I showered and then took the car for a wash, I cam home and polished it, more for something to pass the time than anything, it certainly didn;t really need it but it killed a few hours.

After that I sat here at the computer, not really doing much.  I sort of snapped myself into action around 6ish and decided to go out, I called to see friends but they were out, I sort of guessed they were and I was perhaps glad they were, I would have been crap company I guess but I wanted to be out of the house.  I went for a walk instead around the waterside near The Lowry centre and Media City UK.  I took the camera, my "justify walking on your own" tool.

When I got home I had  something to eat and then returned to the computer.  Again, another way to opt out of watching TV or talking to people.  I just felt low I suppose.  The events of last week with work has really got to me and in a way I suppose unsettled me, I am feeling like i'm being rushed into putting Stephen aside and moving on.  I know I need to find a new normal ASAP but pushy attitudes havent helped, I guess it will sort itself out in the end.

I ended up going to bed early, midnight is early for me lately.  As a result I was awake before 7 this morning, I lay in bed reading on the internet via the phone.

Today has been another low day though.  I didn't want it to be.  I wanted it to be productive sorting things for the move (whenever it is) and, this morning I finished customising a shirt for a friend that I promised to do long before Steve died. 

After that is was shower and dressed then I decided to get a load of stuff we're clearing on to eBay, (I still say We even though it's really just Me now - old habits etc...).  I procrastinated for ages, finally I did it though and got almost 60 listings on today. 

I have had no less than 4 invites out to lunch today, sadly I declined them all. I wasn't being mean but I didn't feel sociable, I knew I would be rubbish company and my friends asked because they care, they don't need to have their day blackened by the big cloud I have been dragging around all day.  I did have a genuine excuse though, the stuff that went on eBay today was photographed before Steve died so again, it's about time I caught up.

I sort of guess if I get "My" stuff sorted, the eBay etc then I can apply the same methodology to work and getting back to it.  I don't know if it will work but I guess one of my concerns about work is that when I am back I won't have time to settle back in, it'll mean hitting the ground running, I think up to now I have managed a walk and thats it..... I'd feel lost there too, long story but I guess no small part of it is that it is incredibly difficult for a gay guy to "fit in" within a hetro environment.... (and not even metro-hetro at that), it's never bothered me before but right now I feel vulnerable so it's daunting, the pressure just serves to confirm my concerns.

This evening I have spoken the T via email, she's a gem and has sent me the lyrics to a song I was told about before Steve's funeral, the song is lovely but here is an excerpt of the words....

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

It has struck a chord with me, it did the first time I heard it and again, hearing this has set me off again.  I guess it's time for bed.  One soggy pillow coming right up...

Being unreasonable

That is how I am being made to feel by people at work. They came to see me on Thursday, before I had blogged about the previous few days and that was what my reference to it being a Shitty day was all about.

I understand they are concerned or missing me, (not me per se but the work I do, I really don’t think they give a toss about me personally). They said as much when they put pressure on for me to return ASAP.

I feel I have done really well. I have started to look for the positives in the day instead of accepting how I feel when I wake up. I push that nagging pain to one side, those tears welled in my eyes are barricaded in and the anger and hurt on the tip of my tongue is swallowed hard. Yes in plain terms I put on a brave face, but my tolerance levels are at an all time low my concentration is lacking to say the least and well.... there’s lots more to say but I won’t.

When I received a letter telling me they were coming to visit I felt my stress levels go through the roof, I knew it was coming and had expected it but I didn’t expect how I felt. After an hour of what felt like an intensive grilling, (It felt like they were trying to suss out if I really am ‘that’ upset about losing my Husband), it seems I failed the “test” as I have been asked to see the work doctor. Not a problem if I had something physically wrong with me but how beneficial will it be for me to trawl over all those things I have put to rest in my mind. Not least how it felt living, no, existing for Stephen’s last nine months with a death sentence hanging over your head, yes, it was over my head too, I suffered the death of my partner and my relationship with him and when he died I feel a huge part of me died with him.

I am expected to relay this to some stranger. It feels like work is saying that they cannot accept that I would be feeling this way after SO long. Six weeks, is that a long time? I don’t think so not when you consider Stephen will be dead for the rest of my lifetime not when the bond we shared was SO strong. We loved spending every minute of every day together, not like some couples who spend as much of their free time as possible outside of work apart from each other.

After that meeting I had an email from work, more on Thursday and Friday. Again, it sent me stress levels through the roof and I just had to go and be alone making myself busy just doing things so as not to think. Oh, the best bit was, “Are you planning to return to work?” What a daft question, you don’t get a cash lump sum to last you the rest of your days as a booby prize for losing your husband, the bills still roll in and they still have to be paid but now you have to do it with one wage not two! Of course I am going back, I loved my job, the diversity of it and the satisfaction of knowing you helped make a difference that I guess most charity employees get; I desperately want that normality back and that warm and fuzzy feeling of knowing you are benefitting others. I want it more than any.

Another comment was that “perhaps you should ask about medication.....” What? Fill my body with drugs to mask what I feel so when I finally stop taking them I can experience the natural, (yes grief is a natural and normal process), so I can experience the natural pain then instead and suffer what in my eyes would be a setback? No, I want to deal with this now and move forward, not hide it and move over.

Insensitive and uncaring are huge understatements. Maybe one day when they or a loved one are in my position they may get a slightly better understanding of how it feels and then I hope someone tells them that six weeks is enough time to get over it and get back to normal.

That it about work, it’s stressing me just thinking about it and I don’t want to go down that slippery slope.

The rest of Thursday was difficult to say the least. I ended up driving a friend in to town on Thursday night for her to photograph at an event. I had agreed to it last week when I was having a good day and didn’t want to let her down. I am forcing myself out of the house and in to places I don’t want to be, really to try and accelerate my progression. (With work’s attitude in mind it’s probably for the best too). It was OK, I was brutally aware of my single, (widowed) status, but she’s a caring mate and kept an eye out for me. It was tough but I lived to tell the tale and I hope to go and do other things with her in the future, she’s got a great sense of fun and she cheered me up a lot.

Yesterday was crappy too, as I said the email from work first thing set my stress through the roof. I busied myself doing other things. A friend came over yesterday afternoon then, as she was leaving two more turned up and then another. It was nice to see people. I ended up being up till after 1.30am again chatting but it was nice. I suppose an opportunity to forget for a while but remember nice things too.

The blog wasn’t done last night as I didn’t feel like it, no more complex a reason than that. I was late to bed again though.

Today is a glorious day. What shall I do? No plans no agenda. Perhaps a walk with the camera later? I feel the camera gives me an excuse to go out alone, I don’t look like such a ‘Billy no mates’ with that in my hand. I guess I look like a geek instead. I guess I need to force myself out and in to real life again, quiet places are fine, busy places are tough. I’ll decide after a shower.

Forever in blue jeans...

Tonight I have just been reminded of an old blog post of Steve's, I've copied it below, it was earlier this year just as we were going away.  Have a read and listen to the song.... hope you enjoy x

Away - Sunday 13th Feb 2011



Well we've done it. We managed to get out of the house, and we were only 34 minutes behind schedule. Which for us is brilliant.



I realised earlier that I haven't updated all weekend so here goes with a big update.

Friday I was in the office and managed to get loads done, I actually felt part of the team again. After work I went for coffee with my friend Dr Jon which was good as we just watched the world go by and had a good catch up.

Mark picked me up in town and we went shopping for dinner. Marks good at his mixed grills. From there we just veged in front of the tv watching DVD's and I did more on our diamante throw - which is slowly getting there...

Saturday we were up and dressed pretty early. I did the post run for the last of our weekly sales. Everyone should have their purchases by monday hopefully.

Saturday afternoon was spent photographing more stock which will be uploaded on Thursday - see even when were away were working.... I even have a box of tights in the car ready for this weeks sales....

Last night we did our packing and ironing ready for today, nothing like being organised. It was then veg on the sofa and more diamante and Mark with his ebay pictures.

This morning we were up full cooked breakfast and load the car. Were now whizzing down the motorway on our way.

Don't worry about the cats and the in-laws We've left them loads of food and they are house trained - the cats just please themselves :-)

We just decided whilst listening to Michael Balls Sunday Brunch show that Neil Diamonds Forever in Blue Jeans is our new song because he would rather have me and have to wear blue jeans than not to have me and have sequins.... Soppy sod. But it is really relevant to us.

Anyway will sign off and update later.
Steve x

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D27dmGp2zU

WOWZERS

I know, I have turned in to Batman or Robin, well I would look as good as them in Lycra I'm sure so therefore I can say that.

Yes, I'm on a roll, (although I am not being negative when I say I don't expect it to last), this is the third good day in a row.  I have actually had a few "reflective" moments today but, they didn't turn me to a heap of wailing jelly, they made me feel warm, (and tearful) but in a nice way if that makes sense.  I have REALLY missed Steve today, he would have enjoyed the spontaneity of the day, naah not enjoyed, LOVED but, I guess I have to keep that in mind and keep going forward.

This morning I got up and tidied our bedroom, I did some washing, Steve used to do it all the time as he liked making sure the washer was busy  and I tidies our lounge.  Nothing major just putting stuff away.  I said the other day I was ready to put some stuff out of sight that had been out since the funeral and I have, theres a few things been put away, it doesn't feel like there is less of Steve here though so that is good.

After that I had a shower as the estate agent was due at 2pm.  I managed to get showered and dressed after I had done everything and was sorting some stuff out upstairs when he came.  I sorted all that out and then decided to meddle with the car as my new phone cradle and replacement button arrived for the handsfree set.  An extravagant £11 in total and it works perfectly, I am V-happy and I am now inclined to agree with Steve that maybe he has "rubbed off" on me and I am turning into a techno geek. 

Talking of Steve I thought about his this afternoon too, I was sat in the car outside the house talking to 'T' (pot)  about me and about Steve etc and there it was again, another rainbow.  'T' said that's Steve saying he's happy because I sorted the handsfree myself, I think I agree, usually I would have left it to him, not because i couldn't do it but because I couldn't be bothered and he could.  It was nice to see though and it made me smile, and this time without streams of tears down my face.  Like a bus, you wait for ages for one and then I get two rainbows in a week... BIG SMILES!

This afternoon two friends called around, J was coming anyway and I knew D was planning to come but they had evidently spoken and arrived together with D's two dogs.  I was lovely to see them.  I love dogs and would love one on the boat with me when I get it but two cats a dog and me might be a bit much.... but, never say never.

We had a coffee and had planned to go for lunch but, with doggies in tow plans were revised and we all went to D's for dinner.  It was lovely, it was they type of afternoon Steve would have loved.  No plans just deciding on the go and going with it.  Dinner was de-lish and, I wouldn't just say that but it was, good grub, good friends and good wine.... yeah forgot that bit, I had a small glass with dinner as I was driving, something I never usually do but it was lovely and, above all, it was nice to have a drink and not drink to get drunk as I guess many of us do when we are younger.

I came home and have been on the PC most of the night, not doing what I needed to but still it's been nice.  I am not going to start what I need to now as I have had a few Bacardi's now, well, two actually but they were very large ones.... oops.

I am quite excited about tomorrow oddly, my car goes back to the garage tomorrow, I say goodbye officially to the car Steve and I had and officially hello to the new one.  the new one is not as new as the old one but she is lovely, an absolute pleasure to drive, (she's put the fun back in to driving) and it is more the sort of car Steve and I would have liked, smaller, sportier and fun.  We always had big cars, when we had the 4x4 it wasn't because we wanted or needed a 4x4 but we needed the space to get out DJ kit around plus suitcases of costumes.

With the next car again, we needed the space for ferrying the kit around and with this car, a Peugeot 3008, we got it because it was practical, it could comfortably fit four people and the boot was big enough to fit a wheelchair in even if we had 4 people in the car. 

We didn't know how sick Steve would get or if he would need a wheelchair but we thought about it just in case.  Steve hated the thought of a wheelchair but was quite sensible and keen to get a car that would suit our needs whatever they may have turned out to be.  He never needed a wheelchair, with hindsight we could have got something sporty and had a more fun car but, we were being practical.  Hey though, it's not a big deal. 

I guess you can see now why I am excited about getting rid of it, it symbolised Steve being ill and us planning for that.  It wasn't a car which reflected two young(ish) guys with no children to worry about and just enjoying life.  Although Steve loved the car he hated it too because of what it symbolised and the reasons behind it's purchase.  I guess tomorrow is a significant day too, it's saying goodbye to another marker or reminder of Steve's illness and how it affected and changed our lives and how it continues to affect my life.  Today has been a good day though and if I keep thinking of the positives about the old car going and the new car meaning a cancer free life then hopefully tomorrow will be a good one too.  fingers crossed.

Well I am going to bed, it's 12.56 here now and I hope to be tucked up in bed by 1.30am .... here's hoping!

Goodnight xxx

Naked Boys Dancing and Free Chocolate

Today has certainly been a different day, in the main because I have been out for most of it I guess.  For the past few weeks I have been in for the most part of most days, (or it certainly seems that way) but, today has been different.

I was up at a reasonable time this morning despite still being up till 3.30 am meddling.  I am planning on going to bed quite soon so hopefully before 1.30 am today.  I have not thought about whether I am still avoiding bed or if I have now just got into a routine of late nights and minimal sleep?  I don't know but I guess I ought start to go to bed at a reasonable time sometime soon.

I had to go to Wigan today, there were a few reasons none of which need to be explored here but I did get to see a friend there too and have a good old natter.  We are as bad as one another and can both talk for England but we just flow from one thing to another.  Steve used to laugh at me, he could tell who I was speaking to just by hearing one side of the conversation but, I guess that is because he knew me so well.

After leaving the house around 2pm today I got home just before 9pm, that's unusual for me at the moment as I said, most of my time seems to be spent at home these days but, today has been a good day, I've not had a "Steve" focus to the day and it's not felt bad doing something for me.  In fact this morning seemed OK too, I was thinking about putting a few things away.  Just stuff which belongs to Steve which I have kept around since he passed away, old pictures, (in a box; but close to hand),  some clothes and bit's and pieces really which were his.  I think I am now mentally in a place where these can be put away.  Out of sight, NOT out of mind but I suppose it means I can reduce the clutter around me, something Steve hated and tried to rid us of, (even though he was a hoarder, a gene he definitely got from his Mum).

I now have a sense of busy-ness, there seems to be a lot to do.  By doing it I will keep my mind active but also perhaps just be able to move on mentally from under the big black cloud and make my way toward the end of the cloud and moving toward those nice fluffy white ones before I get to clear blue skies and sunshine.

Well not a lot more to report, like I said it's been a good day.  Last Wednesday was a good day too, I had "things" to do on both days though so I doubt there is a Wednesday connection just a "being busy" connection.  Hmmm, good job I have lots to occupy my time tomorrow, there's another estate agent comimg on Friday, this one seems to be a little more pro-active in finding punters.  Lets see what he has to say but I reckon we'll be reducing the price and trying to get things jogging along pretty soon, our boat is calling...

Well goodnight again oh and sorry about the title, I just thought it looked a little more interesting than "A Good Day" but, if I were to ever have a day like that I can assure you I wont be writing my blog until both are long gone, well, you need to make the most of these things which reminds me.... theres chocolate in the cupboard which had a "best by" date on it of April some time... they tasted OK last week so should last a little longer.

Well TTFN,
Mark x

A Tough Lesson To Learn

Another painful day.  There is no other word for it, it is just painful.  The day started OK I guess, I was up and about but didn't leave the bedroom, I busied myself tidying and sorting, I don't know why, i just wanted to.

I got a phone call then from a friend to see what I was up to.  I wanted to go out and buy some picture frames (again),  so I agreed to collect him from home and we would go.  I got to his and we went out, probably around 11.30, we went to a few shops but he was home just after 2.30 and I drove off.  Just as seems the 'norm' of late when I have had enough then that's it, no pleasant cup of tea I just need to go.

I drove for a while and pulled up, probably about 20 miles away but near a canal.  I took the camera and set off for a walk along the canal, it's the Leeds and Liverpool canal so it will be one I hope to get quite familiar with when I live on a boat.  I walked for around 2½ hours, maybe more.  It was nice being alone.  Not a lot to photograph but still, somewhere different for me to walk.

I felt in a daze again, for no reason, obviously Steve was in my thoughts but I didn't just think about him.  I got home and cooked some food, I'd not eaten all day but was still not hungry.  I ate though as I know I should but even that seemed tasteless.  It wasn't, it was packed with so much fresh veg and good stuff that it was bursting with flavour but it all seemed bland and pointless.

This evening I have been sat at the PC, not doing anything productive, I have not done anything productive since Friday.  I was trying to find other people in the same situation.  It was difficult at first, so many stories of a husband lost, so many wives now having to deal with their own loss whilst looking after the children.  That's not relevant to me.

Then I found it, I found a few actually, gay guys like me who have lost their partners.  Partners lost to cancer and two who have lost their partner to the SAME type of brain tumour that killed Stephen.  So many stories of people who have found their soul mate only to have him snatched away cruelly at a young age.

Reading their stories I understood, it was like the mist cleared and I realised I was not alone.  I have got SO tired of trying to explain to people that losing a partner IS NOT THE SAME as losing a Mum, Brother, Son, Aunty, Granny or Cat and, until you have lost a partner then you will never know and never understand.  Hopefully you will be lucky enough to be the one to go first so you don't know this pain. 

Also, people underestimate the word "partner" is is not just someone you are married to because it is convenient, because you felt you should for the kids, because you have been together for 20 years.  My partner was like part of me, half of me.  We loved spending every minute of every day together.  How many married couples do you know who can't bear to be in the same room or who each live separate lives under the same roof only to curse the time they "have" to spend together on holidays etc.  Steve and I were not like that, we loved living together, working together, socialising together in fact just sitting in the park watching the world go by...TOGETHER as the friend who led Steve's funeral said, like two halves of the same coin.

I have learned today that no matter how much I try to eaplain people will not understand until they have experienced it, no matter how eloquently or bluntly I put it no matter how much they want to and no matter how much they truly care.  It seems like i am being ungrateful, I am not, I really am grateful for all the love and support around me but I have decided now not to stress about trying to help others understand.  It is difficult enough for me to get my head around it without having to explain it. Again, i really am grateful for all the love and support around me but I have learned the discussions I have about my feelings and thoughts need to be with people who understand, not with people with whom I have to explain each minuscule detail before they can even begin to understand.

There are a few friends I can talk to and, talking to one of the ladies at the party last night and chatting to a few gay strangers tonight who have also lost their husband or partner has made me realise that no amount of wanting to understand will help.  I know my friends care, I appreciate that more than they know and they care for me in so many other ways but they do not need the burden of having to try and understand me or my feelings, I know they want to help but sometimes just a brew, a hug or a text is all they need to help me most.

I saw this yesterday, it struck so many chords with me, I have hesitated over posting it.  I didn't want my friends to read it and think I was pushing them away or that I am in the slightest bit ungrateful for their love and support but after realising I have learned a tough lesson I also realise that my friends will understand I do need them and want them in my life and I do need them and want them around and I actually like the odd messages I get and strange pictures but their love cannot take my pain away, only I can let my pain go and right now I am trying to do that.  I know my friends cant do it for me but they can cheer me on, and they have done and I hope they will continue to do so, as I said I know my friends will understand...

Don't Tell Me...


Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for this task, apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers that can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment of the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer, don't tell me how to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see,
But I need you, I need your love, unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry, and say,
"My friend, I really do care."

Author Unknown