A bad decision or a way to de-stress?

I really don't know if it was a bad decision or not.  I didn't plan to do it and I suppose even though I knew it was there and what was in it but I just did it anyway. I suppose maybe my sub conscious needed it.

I was thoughtful on Sunday morning.  I realised I needed to earn more.  This isn't through want but necessity.  As a rise at work is highly unlikely, the chances of a lottery win remote and there are no reserves to draw on then I need to work more. Life back on the road working the cabaret circuit again is not really an option, my costumes have gone and, whilst I am fortunate enough to have the skills and tools to make more I really don't want to.   I'm not sure what I'll look for but I need a part time evening and/or weekend job.  

Following on from that train of though I busied myself ironing and sorting and photographing stuff for eBay.  This, between doing chores such as sorting the washing.

It was then it caught my attention.  Steve's memory box.  It wasn't his per se but it is full of his stuff that I've put together in a nice red leather trunk since he died.  That is what I was wondering about in my opening paragraph.  

I sat on the bed and opened it.  I started to read cards he'd received when he was first admitted to hospital, that's 18 months ago now.  So many get well wishes.  Then the tears started and I couldn't stop them and, I couldn't stop reading either.   I didn't read them all, I got side tracked with photographs, photos of Steve as a child, with his Mum, his Granny, his Dad and Brother too.

I'm sure they are lovely memories for them of Steve but for me I just see the smiles and wonder what it's all about, life that is.  The smiles give no indication of the future how cruel it can be.  It's tough and there are a lot of questions.  Some people find answers in religion and others have different reasoning.  I don't need answers though but yet I still wonder why.

The picture is Steve and his Aunt.  She passed away on New Years Eve 2009 with Cancer.  Stephens Uncle was also claimed by Cancer a few months before he was born and then My Steve too.  Why do bad things happen to nice people?  Obviously I'd be biased toward Steve but his Aunt was lovely too, so warm and friendly and a real lady.  Obviously I never met his Uncle but I have no reason to suppose he was any different.  There is no answer though, these are just things that make me think.

 

After I'd shed a few tears I got on with what I needed to do and I sort of felt better. A lot less worried with a better outlook really.  I was still emotional and thoughtful but it made me realise that despite my positivity and polished facade sometimes things do still get to me.  Perhaps my guilty feelings about Mothers Day and thinking about other peoples losses was what did it.  For the most part I can hide from my own feelings but am often moved by other peoples journeys.  Still, I suppose it did me good to have a reality check.

 

Today has been a busy day, there's lots happening at work so I've been concentrating hard on the work I've been doing for most of the day.  I've enjoyed it, oddly.  Yes, I suppose deep down I am one of those people who says they would still work even if they won millions on the lottery.  I may do a different job or work in a different way but I'd struggle to do nothing for a sustained period of time.

 

Anyway, it's time for bed, reasonably early for me too.  I must be getting old!  Oh, and before I sign off please share my blog, if you got here via Facebook or Twitter please Share or Tweet.

 

Thank you and Bye for now,

M

 

 

 

 

 

  

New Year and beyond

Looking back new year seems to have been a long time ago.  I was so worried about it but, in the end it worked out OK.  My parents spent most of the day out and about so I was left to my own devices.  I busied myself during the day and then after a shower decided to go out for a wander.

I wanted to buy some Issey Miyake aftershave for myself.  It was a favourite of Steve and I, I wore it before Steve met me but he liked it and we wore it on our wedding day and the funeral director made sure Steve had a "squirt" once he was ready for his final performance.  It's odd but smell evokes so many memories.

I recently re read Steve's blog from last Christmas and he mentions the same then.  I bought him a fragrance which reminded me of when we first met and he bought me more of the fragrance I was wearing when we met.  Happy memories refreshed by just slight hint of fragrance.

Anyway, long story short it wasn't in the sales so I didn't bother.  I can buy it at full price anytime to I will wait a little.  I wandered through the shopping centre and didn't buy a thing.  I've lost the desire to shop, there's not a lot I need and nothing I need urgently.

I got home and relaxed with a nice cup of Earl Grey tea and then, as darkness had fallen, I wrote my letter to Stephen on a Chinese balloon lantern and then lit it and watched it float off into the night.  I was tearful but, felt so much better for doing that.

I opened a bottle of wine but, failed to drink more than two glasses.  I saw the new year in with a cup of Earl Grey.  I watched the fireworks at London on the TV and felt the "BOOM" a lot closer to home as our neighbours set off a load of fireworks.

On new years day I relaxed.  No agenda, just a whole lot of not very much and that was the same until I returned to work on 3rd January.  it was good to be back to work.  Not because I like it there but because I was just pleased to be back to normal. 

The decorations came down shortly afterwards and things have got back to how they were before.  The numbness has returned and life is as normal (or abnormal) as it was before.

I've had a bit of a thoughtful day today.  I read today about another young man who has lost his battle against a GBM, he leaves behind a wife and two children under three years old.  This disease really doesn't discriminate about age etc and doesn't care how many lives it affects it just does it's thing.

I really feel for anyone facing the diagnosis of a GBM and the more I learn about them the more I feel this.

On a different note, I learnt at New year that a dear friend of mine has been awarded an OBE in the Queen's new Year honours list, she is now Melanie Bryan OBE, read more about her here: http://www.melaniebryan.moonfruit.com/

Apart from that I don't have a lot of news, I do have a document to upload to Stephens website, http://troubleonline.co.uk/ but will do that in the next few days and write some more.  I am sure there was more I needed to write and my thoughts have been more complex than I have mentioned but right now I am in a lighter mood so I won't dwell on that for now.

I'll write soon,

xx Mark xx

Breast and testicles are all over the place

It made me smile, it was a comment in Steve's post on this day last year, click here but he is right and nothing has changed.  The figure equates to less than 1%, if you want more info drop me a line or contact  BT Buddies.

Last night as I said I went to bed early and as usual didn't sleep, I watched a film instead, P.S. I Love You which I had downloaded to my iPad.  Well, I managed to get to 13 minutes before the tears came.  they stayed till the end.  I almost flooded my bed!  I am not best placed to say whether it was a good, bad or indifferent film but it touched me.  that's all I will say.  If you have seen it you will understand,if not then reading the synopsis will probably explain. 

Odd as it may seem I felt better for having my meltdown.  I still miss Steve so much and sometimes I just want to be able to grieve for him not cover up my feelings to spare those of others. If one of my tears was enough to bring Steve back for just one second then I know last night alone would have seen him back for a hundred years or more. 

Today has been an OK day.  Work was brief this morning as I had a Doctors appointment.  Nothing too sinister, (for now) just problems with my hands, a course of anti inflammatory though should help and if not I am to go back.  On the plus side it seemed to be nothing major which warrants further investigation or tests... yet.

After that it was back to work.  Another tough day, it's difficult to stay upbeat about it.  I got a lot done though and managed to clear a lot of mail from my inbox so I was pleased with that as I am out of the office after tomorrow until Thursday next week.

Tonight I logged on to the PC as soon as I got in, I had a few things to sort but before I knew it I had a few phone calls with friends catching up, emails, text and facebook messages.  All good stuff.  I have a few calls to return though, messages on my phone from a few days ago have not been returned yet, I know I am failing miserably in the "keep in touch" department but I don't seem to have a minute lately but tonight, although busy, has been good and I have enjoyed it.  I realise soon I need to start making a move to get out more and socialise. Soon though, not now.

Watching that film last night has reminded me of the need to get out and see people or just have people around.  I do want that but sometimes I am just not very good company.   I saw this a few days ago and I think it's spot on...

I have no idea why it is on it's side, I have amended it to be the right way up but it clearly didn't work so it's tilt your head time... sorry.

Another I saw which I also thought was spot on is this:

Again, it struck a chord with me.  On a closing note though all I have to say is thanks again to all my friends for being there, your texts, messages, emails and cards etc which are still arriving are very much appreciated and if you are waiting a call or a visit from me please keep being as patient as you have, I have not forgot but I there is only one of me now to do all the keeping in touch we both used to do.  I have not forgotten you and I know you're all out there.

xxx Love to you all xxx

M x

Love to you all