Showing posts with label barge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label barge. Show all posts
Monday, 15 August 2011
Must try harder...
Yes I have done my thousand lines saying “I must try harder to blog daily”. Maybe it will work who knows but I am not going to stress about it. I am trying not to stress about a lot of stuff lately but I don’t always win but I always try.
Since I wrote last not a lot has changed, I am sure lots has happened but nothing has changed much. The whole of last week seems a blur really, I am not sure if that’s a good or bad thing but it just is what it is.
On Tuesday Steve’s mum visited as usual, she told me about wanting to throw a party for Steve’s 33rd birthday next year. I’m not convinced. Steve wanted a 33rd birthday party as it would have been significant. Significant because it would mark one month more than the max 18 month prognosis he was given. To have his party without him there seems to me to be rubbing salt into the wound, it would be confirming the doctors right as in he wouldn’t live beyond 18 months, in reality he only just scraped through 9 months. I’m not sure what will happen on that, it’s not for me to say, I’m not comfortable with a party per se but then I don’t have to go. I had planned however to go to a little hotel we found via a recommendation H gave to us, it’s a fun and quirky place, (a bit like Steve) so I might just take myself off there with a few people to drink a quiet toast to Steve, the place is called La Rosa Hotel in Whitby, http://www.larosa.co.uk/hotel/index.html it seems like fun.
On Friday the people from work came to see me again. It is so stressful when they come. I don’t know why, I don’t even understand why but it just is. I want to go back to work but right now the thought of it makes my stomach churn. I guess in part I am concerned that if I go back too soon I could have a meltdown at a wholly inappropriate time or snap at someone I ought not to and end up doing myself and work a dis-service. I am not sure they understand that fully but, I have logged on to my work email today from home to see what’s there.
I didn’t get much work done, because I have over 1200 emails to sort through my mailbox is majorly over limit so I had to wade through some old stuff and delete that first to sort of free up some space. I read a few emails though, I got before I left on the Friday before Steve died, ready for me to sort on the Monday and then a few in the following week where life went on regardless of him lying dying in an intensive care unit.
It felt odd, almost like it was me that had died. I felt like I did when I sorted through Steve’s stuff, almost like trespassing or spying, and these are MY emails.... I logged off after a while; it was making me feel sick so I thought it best to leave it for now.
When people used to say to me “Oh it made me feel sick” I thought it always referred to more of a psychological thing as opposed to a physical symptom but, lately I have come to realise that physical sick feeling exists and it has become all too common in recent weeks and months.
This weekend I have avoided people mainly. Saturday I went out for a run in the car, I went to look at a craft shop, it was stupidly expensive and no real great ideas there. I drove around for a bit but came home not spending any money and having not spoken to anyone. Just the way I wanted it I guess.
Yesterday was a little more positive. I spent the whole day in the garage sorting stuff out. It had become our dressing room whilst we were performing, costumes and props etc all over the place but now it is just full of all sorts. Some of the stuff is things we bought months ago, for new hobbies or ideas we had, they still need to be done and I will do eventually but, there is also a lot of old stage props and bits of costumes out there which need sorting too. I did sort quite a bit though, some useable stuff sidelined for a friend who also performs and makes his own costumes as he can make good use of the stuff there and other bits sidelined for other people too.
I also binned a lot of stuff, costumes and props etc which would have continued to be fine for Steve and to use but no good to anyone else or to sell. I threw hundreds of pounds worth of advertising literature in the bin too, sad but they all had Steve’s number on and as they are for “Trouble” then there will be no future need for them either. It’s sad to see all that money wasted.
In the garage too was all Steve’s coursework for the management course he did last year before he got sick and the current stuff he had been working on when he had to stop work. It was so difficult going through that stuff. Every piece of paper was like a little pin prick to my heart as almost every page had his name on, just seeing his name in print so many times in quick succession sort of took the wind out of my sails. I have decided though. I have kept some of the documents, his certificates and some feedback from others about him, (it’s nice to see how much his staff thought of him), and I have decided the rest will be shredded and made into paper bricks for the fire when we move to a boat. Steve would approve of the “green-ness” of it. Turning unwanted paper into fuel to heat the boat.
The boat at the moment seems to be a million miles away, we haven’t got a buyer for the house yet, I think we will reduce the price further in the coming weeks. I think we all just want out and a fresh start. I really think this house though; being so close to the hospital would make a great house for a developer or for a landlord. With five bedrooms, (potentially a sixth or seventh if one of the lounges and the attic were converted), then this would be great to let out to nurses or young doctors working at the teaching hospital at the end of our road. Each room could be let out for £500 ish a month and the mortgage would only be around £1,000 even if a tiny deposit was paid so there is decent potential for profit if someone has the right approach. I know it is something we could look at too but, Steve and I had just planned to sever ties with the house so that’s what I will do as apart from Steve dying, nothing else has changed.
Anyway, after spending the majority of the day outside, (or at least till 7pm ish). I then came in and cooked some food for myself then went and ironed the bed linen I had washed and dried yesterday. I cleaned and vac’d the bedroom and put the fresh linen on then shower and snuggle in my dressing gown watching an old film, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Adventures_of_Priscilla,_Queen_of_the_Desert it is a great feel good film and Steve and I would always enjoy a Sunday evening with a film. Well, by the time I had done everything it was 10.30 before I got to start the film but I enjoyed it.
I have been thinking today though how bad I have been lately in keeping in touch with people. I have hardly spoken to anyone for a few weeks. I really ought to make more of an effort and I will, just as soon as I can.
I’m going to sign off for now, I might do a further update later but maybe not. I know I posted an update here over the weekend too, I hope you liked it, http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-can-it-be.html I saw it whilst online and it really made me think. I still miss Steve more and more with each passing minute. It’s not getting easier to deal with but I suppose I am getting more used to how it feels. Difficult to explain but I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.
Until next time xxx Mark xxx
Thursday, 28 July 2011
A HUGE update
Here goes. I’ve not written for a few days so you’re in for a HUGE update.
Monday was a fairly good day. Well, sort of. You may recall I’d had a call on Saturday from Christies Hospital to go and collect Steve’s belongings which were there. I combined this with a trip to Steve’s work to drop off his computer which was brought here when he started “Working from home”. The work visit was first and was OK; I only saw Steve’s boss and we chatted a little. He’s a nice guy and Steve got on very well with him and liked him not only as a person but as a boss too.
The Christies visit was less pleasant. I had to go in to the critical care unit where Steve had been treated just before he was transferred to Hope Hospital. The nurse offered her condolence etc and I recognised her from when I was there last. I collected his bag of stuff. On the way out I bumped into the Doctor who had seen Steve on his last Chemo run, we chatted for a while but, she also said how completely shocked she had been about Steve’s passing, ESPECIALLY since she had seen him on 1st June and he died just 2 weeks later on 15th June. It was nice to talk but she understood when I told her I hope to not see her again in a ‘medical’ capacity.
After that I needed some air and a change of thought so I picked up a friend and we went to Heaton Park for a walk. I went a few weeks ago and ended up having to come home when my battery run out on the camera. This time my battery lasted a little longer but I had not charged them so I ran out of power again but I didn’t stress about it. We ended up sitting alongside the duck pond for a while chatting, it was nice to have a proper chat.
After that I drove him home and then called in at home before A friend arrived from Scotland to stay for a few days. It was nice to see here and to be able to chat. It wasn’t purely social, she had business to attend to here but all the same it was nice to catch up. We ended up talking till way too late but, it was good to do. I ended up though going to collect her from Knutsford as that’s where she had been left, it’s a long story.
Tuesday was OK, I took T to look for a scooter, and we found a really decent one quite locally. It will give her more independence, freedom and the ability to be out of the house for longer periods of time, hopefully free of pain. After that we called home again before heading off to see another friend about a different project. It all seems a bit hush hush but we’re trying not to tempt fate by bleating on about it, fingers crossed.
Tuesday evening Steve’s Mum visited as usual and again T and I spent way too long talking till far too late but again, it was good.
Yesterday was an odd day. We got up late because we’d gone to bed late. After T finally ;-) got dressed we went out. We had to call in to the bank first then went for a drive to Marple to the canal and spent a few hours watching the narrow boats navigating between locks 12 to 16. It looked like hard work for them. It made me think how realistic it is going to be for me to live on a narrow boat and cruise the network alone. The lock needs to be opened, and then the boat driven (?) in to the lock, the lock gate closed behind then wait for the lock to fill before opening the next gate, driving the boat out of the lock and then closing the lock gate behind you and then on to the next.... multiply that process by 16 and you can see how tiring and time consuming it is all likely to be, bearing in mind each lock takes about 20 minutes when at least 2 people are operating it.
I don’t want it to alter my decision but it certainly is a leveller. There’s a lot to consider. Knowing me though I am so stubborn, (like Steve) that I will probably just do it but curse the aches and pains (and exercise) involved!
After that T and I went to the Trafford Centre for dinner, we had a Thai meal and it was lovely and we then went to watch the last Harry Potter film. I guess it was significant for us both as she had read Harry Potter to her Fiancée as he lay critically ill. For me, I hadn’t thought about it before but, Steve and I have been to see every film together. I had read the books but Steve hadn’t. I refused to tell him the ending of each part though so, I realised last night Steve never knew the ending to the story. A journey Steve and I had begun together, watching a series of films, and he never got to the end.
I spent a lot of the film with tears running down my face. The 3D glasses were a good disguise. The tears flowed regardless of what was happening in the film, the film didn’t make me cry. Stephen wasn’t seeing it with me and that is what upset me.
I enjoyed the film but I had never considered going to the cinema to see a 12 rated film could be SO traumatic and make me cry almost the whole way through it.
On the way home T and I spoke about loads of stuff but the subject of music came up. She explained how she associates pieces of music with people and places. I asked what mine was. She said it is a piece for Steve and me and invited me to guess. Show tunes or Pop Music were nowhere near so I gave up and asked what song, she told me, Neil Diamond. I immediately thought or “America” or “Love on the rocks” and was puzzled. She told me it was “Forever in blue jeans”. It hit me.
I started crying straight away, the first verse says it all and I remembered straight away the time and place and events and why that song had become significant to us. I re-posted Steve’s blog last night with the song.
The first verse reads:
I told Stephen it was relevant to us, sod the drag, sod the stage lights and the glitz and glam and fun and sequins, wigs, shoes, parties, laughter and travelling, I just wanted him. I STILL only want him but, I know it will never be, not in this life at least.
I’m not going to write much about today, it’s been a Shitty day so far, hopefully I can turn it around but for now I think I have written enough.
Until next time xxx Mark xxx
Monday was a fairly good day. Well, sort of. You may recall I’d had a call on Saturday from Christies Hospital to go and collect Steve’s belongings which were there. I combined this with a trip to Steve’s work to drop off his computer which was brought here when he started “Working from home”. The work visit was first and was OK; I only saw Steve’s boss and we chatted a little. He’s a nice guy and Steve got on very well with him and liked him not only as a person but as a boss too.
The Christies visit was less pleasant. I had to go in to the critical care unit where Steve had been treated just before he was transferred to Hope Hospital. The nurse offered her condolence etc and I recognised her from when I was there last. I collected his bag of stuff. On the way out I bumped into the Doctor who had seen Steve on his last Chemo run, we chatted for a while but, she also said how completely shocked she had been about Steve’s passing, ESPECIALLY since she had seen him on 1st June and he died just 2 weeks later on 15th June. It was nice to talk but she understood when I told her I hope to not see her again in a ‘medical’ capacity.
After that I drove him home and then called in at home before A friend arrived from Scotland to stay for a few days. It was nice to see here and to be able to chat. It wasn’t purely social, she had business to attend to here but all the same it was nice to catch up. We ended up talking till way too late but, it was good to do. I ended up though going to collect her from Knutsford as that’s where she had been left, it’s a long story.
Tuesday was OK, I took T to look for a scooter, and we found a really decent one quite locally. It will give her more independence, freedom and the ability to be out of the house for longer periods of time, hopefully free of pain. After that we called home again before heading off to see another friend about a different project. It all seems a bit hush hush but we’re trying not to tempt fate by bleating on about it, fingers crossed.
Tuesday evening Steve’s Mum visited as usual and again T and I spent way too long talking till far too late but again, it was good.
Yesterday was an odd day. We got up late because we’d gone to bed late. After T finally ;-) got dressed we went out. We had to call in to the bank first then went for a drive to Marple to the canal and spent a few hours watching the narrow boats navigating between locks 12 to 16. It looked like hard work for them. It made me think how realistic it is going to be for me to live on a narrow boat and cruise the network alone. The lock needs to be opened, and then the boat driven (?) in to the lock, the lock gate closed behind then wait for the lock to fill before opening the next gate, driving the boat out of the lock and then closing the lock gate behind you and then on to the next.... multiply that process by 16 and you can see how tiring and time consuming it is all likely to be, bearing in mind each lock takes about 20 minutes when at least 2 people are operating it.
I don’t want it to alter my decision but it certainly is a leveller. There’s a lot to consider. Knowing me though I am so stubborn, (like Steve) that I will probably just do it but curse the aches and pains (and exercise) involved!
After that T and I went to the Trafford Centre for dinner, we had a Thai meal and it was lovely and we then went to watch the last Harry Potter film. I guess it was significant for us both as she had read Harry Potter to her Fiancée as he lay critically ill. For me, I hadn’t thought about it before but, Steve and I have been to see every film together. I had read the books but Steve hadn’t. I refused to tell him the ending of each part though so, I realised last night Steve never knew the ending to the story. A journey Steve and I had begun together, watching a series of films, and he never got to the end.
I spent a lot of the film with tears running down my face. The 3D glasses were a good disguise. The tears flowed regardless of what was happening in the film, the film didn’t make me cry. Stephen wasn’t seeing it with me and that is what upset me.
I enjoyed the film but I had never considered going to the cinema to see a 12 rated film could be SO traumatic and make me cry almost the whole way through it.
On the way home T and I spoke about loads of stuff but the subject of music came up. She explained how she associates pieces of music with people and places. I asked what mine was. She said it is a piece for Steve and me and invited me to guess. Show tunes or Pop Music were nowhere near so I gave up and asked what song, she told me, Neil Diamond. I immediately thought or “America” or “Love on the rocks” and was puzzled. She told me it was “Forever in blue jeans”. It hit me.
I started crying straight away, the first verse says it all and I remembered straight away the time and place and events and why that song had become significant to us. I re-posted Steve’s blog last night with the song.
The first verse reads:
Money Talks
But it don't sing and dance
And it don't walk
As long as I can have you here with me
I'd much rather be
Forever in blue jeans
Forever in Blue Jeans
I told Stephen it was relevant to us, sod the drag, sod the stage lights and the glitz and glam and fun and sequins, wigs, shoes, parties, laughter and travelling, I just wanted him. I STILL only want him but, I know it will never be, not in this life at least.
I’m not going to write much about today, it’s been a Shitty day so far, hopefully I can turn it around but for now I think I have written enough.
Until next time xxx Mark xxx
Forever in blue jeans...
Tonight I have just been reminded of an old blog post of Steve's, I've copied it below, it was earlier this year just as we were going away. Have a read and listen to the song.... hope you enjoy x
Away - Sunday 13th Feb 2011
Well we've done it. We managed to get out of the house, and we were only 34 minutes behind schedule. Which for us is brilliant.
I realised earlier that I haven't updated all weekend so here goes with a big update.
Friday I was in the office and managed to get loads done, I actually felt part of the team again. After work I went for coffee with my friend Dr Jon which was good as we just watched the world go by and had a good catch up.
Mark picked me up in town and we went shopping for dinner. Marks good at his mixed grills. From there we just veged in front of the tv watching DVD's and I did more on our diamante throw - which is slowly getting there...
Saturday we were up and dressed pretty early. I did the post run for the last of our weekly sales. Everyone should have their purchases by monday hopefully.
Saturday afternoon was spent photographing more stock which will be uploaded on Thursday - see even when were away were working.... I even have a box of tights in the car ready for this weeks sales....
Last night we did our packing and ironing ready for today, nothing like being organised. It was then veg on the sofa and more diamante and Mark with his ebay pictures.
This morning we were up full cooked breakfast and load the car. Were now whizzing down the motorway on our way.
Don't worry about the cats and the in-laws We've left them loads of food and they are house trained - the cats just please themselves :-)
We just decided whilst listening to Michael Balls Sunday Brunch show that Neil Diamonds Forever in Blue Jeans is our new song because he would rather have me and have to wear blue jeans than not to have me and have sequins.... Soppy sod. But it is really relevant to us.
Anyway will sign off and update later.
Steve x
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D27dmGp2zU
Away - Sunday 13th Feb 2011
Well we've done it. We managed to get out of the house, and we were only 34 minutes behind schedule. Which for us is brilliant.
I realised earlier that I haven't updated all weekend so here goes with a big update.
Friday I was in the office and managed to get loads done, I actually felt part of the team again. After work I went for coffee with my friend Dr Jon which was good as we just watched the world go by and had a good catch up.
Mark picked me up in town and we went shopping for dinner. Marks good at his mixed grills. From there we just veged in front of the tv watching DVD's and I did more on our diamante throw - which is slowly getting there...
Saturday we were up and dressed pretty early. I did the post run for the last of our weekly sales. Everyone should have their purchases by monday hopefully.
Saturday afternoon was spent photographing more stock which will be uploaded on Thursday - see even when were away were working.... I even have a box of tights in the car ready for this weeks sales....
Last night we did our packing and ironing ready for today, nothing like being organised. It was then veg on the sofa and more diamante and Mark with his ebay pictures.
This morning we were up full cooked breakfast and load the car. Were now whizzing down the motorway on our way.
Don't worry about the cats and the in-laws We've left them loads of food and they are house trained - the cats just please themselves :-)
We just decided whilst listening to Michael Balls Sunday Brunch show that Neil Diamonds Forever in Blue Jeans is our new song because he would rather have me and have to wear blue jeans than not to have me and have sequins.... Soppy sod. But it is really relevant to us.
Anyway will sign off and update later.
Steve x
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D27dmGp2zU
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