Tea.

Yes it's an odd one isn't it.  Lately, I'd say over the past 4 or 5 weeks or so I have been drinking a lot more Tea, (I have been drinking a lot more wine too but that's another story).  Right now though I have a large mug of tea at hand.

I've taken to making myself a cuppa before bed and taking it with me to bed.  by the time I settle it's at just the right temperature.  This may not seem odd for anyone else but it does for me and it brings back memories too.  Happy memories.

As you know Steve and I worked most weekends in addition to our day jobs as cabaret artiste's, Drag Queens to be precise.

Many weekends we'd not return home until after 3am sometimes it would be approaching 6am depending how far away the gig was.  It started as a joke between us when people said, "Oooh I bet you can't wait to finish work so you can go and party too..." we would always say how we were looking forward to finishing, going home and having a nice cup of tea and a slice of toast before bed.

It sort of became a ritual for us.  We'd go to our dressing room and take our costumes / makeup or both off then I'd get in to the shower whilst Steve filled the kettle, fetched our bathrobes and got the cups ready etc.  by the time he had done that, (and fed the cats usually), then I'd be out of the shower.  As I dried myself he'd be undressing and getting in the shower so, by the time I had got in to my robe and finished making the tea and toast Steve would be out of the shower too and ready to sit down with me for a well earned cuppa!

We'd spend a while sitting and chatting and reflecting on the night.  Critiquing our own performances or bitching about whoever or whatever had annoyed us that night or sharing the laughs we'd had through the night.

I miss that.  I miss the performing too but with Steve it was all so easy.  We worked well as a couple on and off stage.  We formed a real partnership and I could always rely on him to be there for me, being supportive, helping and contributing in all ways.  From helping prep food for dinner through to helping change the duvet or even the more mundane things like helping tidy up, choose presents or any other jobs that may need doing at any time.  I have to do those alone now.  I am realising more and more I cannot achieve on my own what Steve and I would achieve together.

Tonight I haven't stopped.  Sitting to write this is the first rest I have had.  I needed to sort through my bureau and sort through another cupboard this evening so, as soon as I got in I started packing up my craft stuff and sorting through a huge pile of paperwork. 

It's both therapeutic and difficult.  Obviously there is still a lot of Steve's stuff in there so I have had to sort that too.  Some stuff to go to his memory box, some stuff to go with all the documents or papers I have generated or needed or had to deal with since his death and of course some things which just needed to be destroyed.

I wanted to do so much more with my evening tonight, I wanted to catch up with a friend and hear all about her new car and also speak to another whose call I missed yesterday plus a whole list of other things too but as usual I didn't get through everything on my list.

I'm tired now and have a long day ahead tomorrow so my bed is calling me, (which reminds me I wanted to put fresh linen on the bed tonight too).  Oh dear...  Perhaps I will do it tomorrow... time permitting.

Till then, goodnight,

Mark x

Significantly different

That’s how things are right now. It’s been quite a week since I wrote last. A long and difficult week. I would say it’s possibly been one of the most difficult weeks of recent months and I don’t understand why. I’ve had a few worries, not much more than usual though.



It hasn’t been a particularly busy week, I have kept busy but under my own initiative in the main not under the direction or request of others. I am starting to become aware though of this building stress within me, I am not sure if keeping busy is helping distract me from the thing that’s bothering me or if it’s adding to it. I appreciate being busy though as I can absorb myself in the task at hand instead of sitting and reflecting, perhaps that’s what’s making the blog difficult, having to reflect, all be it for a short time. I am forcing myself to think about things. I still recognise it’s helpful though to me and to others too and re-reading Stephen’s blog of this time last year reminds me of that.



Reading Steve’s blog of November 21st Last year I came across the following paragraph:

I have thought about Mark and what he will do when am not here - we often


laugh that it will be me getting phone calls from the police station saying


that they have picked him up in Tesco shoplifting etc wearing a big Floppy


Hay at the age of 70 - that's our plan you see - he goes slightly erratic


and I go sort him out when were older. Obviously this plan has now changed a


little bit, and I'm doing erratic and odd things and he sorts me out.

It got to me. Yes, I used to enjoy being slightly eccentric, adopting a fun a jovial outlook on life and trivialising things to make them more palatable. All of that has gone. I recognise that person but I have not seen him for a long time.



Back to the present. On Friday, after a trip to Liverpool with a friend I called in to The Trafford Centre to have a wander through the shops, More than anything it was just time out, wandering around aimlessly I wandered from one end to the other. I got to John Lewis and as I walked through the homewares department I saw a cushion on a bed in a display. It was very simple, Grey and Red and had a ‘patch’ embroidered on it which said “You & Me”. It was lovely. I approached the display to take a closer look and then it hit me. There is no “You” in my bed, there is just a “Me”. I fought back the tears, just as I am trying to do now.



Such a beautiful gift and nobody to share it with. As I walked the very long walk to where my car was parked I seemed to pass an endless number of couples, Gay couples, Lesbian couples, some clearly mature relationships and some clearly new but seeing each one gave me a punch in the gut, making me remember loud and clear what I have lost. I know our family and friends have lost too but life for them is as normal. I am the one waking up alone every morning and getting in to a cold and empty bed at night, as I know many others do but every morning I wake alone serves to remind me and, every night I slip in to a cold bed does the same.



Friday was difficult



On Saturday I spent the whole day busying myself. I started wrapping Christmas presents. On finishing the first the person for whom the gift was intended sent me a SMS message. As I completed wrapping the second the recipients arrived at the door. It was an odd coincidence and I can’t help but think Steve had some sort of influence there. The third, fourth and so on did not generate any SMS or visits etc, perhaps for the best and I continued to busy myself being creative and wrapping presents.



On Sunday I did the same again, more wrapping and more creativity. Some gifts have been parcelled up to be sent abroad, they will go to the post office this week.



Well today has seen the start of a new week. I have a busy week this week at work but a few things to look forward to throughout the week. Most importantly though I’m looking forward to the weekend. Time is whizzing by lately. Christmas is looming, beyond that there’s New Year. That’s a whole other blog entry so for now..... Goodnight and thank you for being so patient.

You don't die from a broken heart...

...you only wish you did.

I know this to be true as I am still alive to write this for you and yes, I have wished I could be with Steve, whatever it takes. 

The past few days have been tough.  I mentioned a few days ago the anniversary of Steve being admitted to hospital.  One year ago today he was discharged from hospital.  He was discharged following an appointment with a Consultant Neurosurgeon.

The meeting was at a different hospital, the one near our home so, we collected Steve's belongings and drove over to the hospital.  Steve's Mum had decided she wanted to go too, even though Steve didn't want that, (he just didn't want the fuss), he was beyond putting up an arguement and just accepted it.

We waited outside the ward for our appointment.  A very secure ward with restricted doors etc so only authorised personnel were allowed in.  We were shown to an office and asked to wait.  Steve was sat alongside me gripping my hand tightly, he was SO scared but put on a brave face.

The Consultant entered the room, a friendly looking older gent closely followed by a nurse, in uniform but holding a leaflet.  One glance at the leaflet and I saw the word "Macmillan" across it.  My heart sunk and I guessed what might be coming.  She placed the leaflet face down on the table next to her.  It was too late, I had seen it and Steve had too.

The meeting seemed a bit of a blur to Steve, he engaged with the consultant but although he heard the words he didn't remember.  I had to go over it again for him when we got home.

The consultant told us that at present the only diagnosis he could give was that it was a cystic tumour.  This meant that it is a tumour which is of indeterminable substance.  He couldn't say if it was cancer or not and would not be drawn to make a comment as to his opinion of it.

The tumour appeared, from the scans, to measure around 3cm by 5cm, around the size of a large egg.  He showed us the scan and we could see how large it looked, it seemed to take up almost a quarter of the space his brain was occupying.  It explained the headaches.

He told Steve that he would be admitted to hospital the following week for major brain surgery and that he would be performing it.  He explained the procedure, called debulking and explained the risks, death from anaesthetic, death from complications death from etc etc.  We asked about the alternative, it wasn't very attractive, it was death. 

It was odd that he knew this tumour could kill Steve but didn't know what it was.  With hindsight I think he probably had a pretty good idea what it was but wouldn't commit until absolutely sure. 

Steve asked about out holiday, remember we were due to go on holiday early in November for 3 weeks.  All he would say is that he can't advise one way or another until the biopsy has been done.  He said if it is benign then a holiday may be just the thing he needs to relax and recuperate, if it is malignant then further treatment would continue as soon as possible to provide him with the best possible chance.

As a young, fit and healthy man he said Steve had a very good chance of making a full recovery.  He did say though that he could expect to feel tired for around six months as brain surgery can affect energy levels for quite some time.

The rest of the day we were numb.  We were grateful to be reunited at home but we were numb.

Twelve months on from that and I feel numb again.  I am brutally aware of what happened next and of my current situation but I'm managing to stay relatively composed (almost).  I cant think of very much else at the moment but I am trying to be strong.  Steve was and remained so thoroughout his journey.  I can't call it an illness as he refused to let it make him ill. 

Stephen showed more courage than I ever thought imaginable.  He called me his rock.  He was mine too.  His courage and determination was a constant inspiration to me and still is. For that I am grateful and always will be.

Some good, some bad some better...

There seems to be so much to say, maybe not to say but so much going on in my head right now. Firstly, and most importantly, I want to say a huge THANK YOU publicly to all my friends, (and yeah, I include family in that too), I’m not going to say there is too many to list as there isn’t but, I don’t want to list people and forget someone so it’s just thank you to all OUR friends as they/you have all been great in the past few weeks and months to me and to Steve when he was alive. As you know we lost a few friends along the way, that wasn’t a bad thing, they hurt Steve and I’m relieved to not have to deal with them anymore, I realise now that they were not really friends.


Moving on, I mentioned yesterday I was planning to go in to work today. I did. I felt so stressed and nervous and not for any good reason really. I knew where I was going and the people I would see there. I can’t say I’m glad I went in as I still don’t feel “right” in myself. I guess as well as feeling vulnerable I feel I am volatile too. I’m not going in tomorrow but am planning on popping in on Thursday. I still feel I am being pushed more than encouraged but I suppose only time will tell where it ends up. I guess for now I just have to see what happens next.

On returning home I motivated myself to speak to the bank. I can honestly say I have never had a less pleasant conversation with anyone else since Steve died. She might as well have said “I don’t give a toss that your husband is dead”, she didn’t, but it would have been less offensive. That’s just another thing that I will need to sort in time.

The other thing that has been on my mind for much of the day today is a “dream” I had this morning. I say dream, in inverted commas as it felt like more than a dream, more of an experience. I know some will dismiss my ramblings as silly, some as nonsense and others may be intrigued but to be honest I really am not bothered about other people’s opinion.

Basically in my dream this morning I had what seemed like a lengthy discussion with Steve. He was lying behind me in bed with his arms around me and held me as I had done with him many many times before. I was cold, (which in itself is odd with a feather quilt and a fleecy throw on the bed) and he was trying to warm me.

I asked him if he was OK and whether he was happy and he seemed so. There were some things he couldn’t articulate and I couldn’t really fully grasp what he meant. The experience seemed to last for some time but it felt very real.

As I said more than a dream, so much so when I woke at 6.39AM I grasped at the space behind me to feel if Steve was there. Of course he wasn’t but, for a few seconds I was puzzled as to where he was.

Far from that being distressing or worrying it wasn’t, it was strangely comforting, more than comforting it was nice.

I don’t know why last night as opposed to any other and I don’t know if it was actually ‘just’ a dream but right now I don’t need an explanation, I just accept it.

I could ramble on some more but I am going to go to bed instead so will sign off. Hope to see you here again soon

Xx Mark xX

A busy day....

Here I am again, it must be 'that' time of night.  Its odd you know as I always used to remind Steve to do his blog before bed, most times he would and only sometimes he would say he didn't want to, when I reminded him about "his readers" he often just got on and wrote it.  On the whole though he was very good, sometimes even doing a few in the day or starting it in the day and adding to it as the day went on.  I cant do that. The time Steve used for his mini updates was usually when I was driving, I'm driving so therefore cant. 

Today has been a busy sort of day.  I got up early and did a bit of stuff for work. I sent a few emails too sort of explaining my disappearance to a few people, I think they will understand, well, those that actually noticed I've not been around.

After that I was on a 'Steve mission'.  I ordered a keyring for myself a few weeks ago, a late night eBay shopping spree, basically a small vial or tube to put some of Steve's ashes in and keep in your pocket etc. There is it in blue with my keys.

They are made from aluninium so are very durable and, don't worry, I have superglued the screw top shut, just in case!  The idea came to me after I recalled a friend has something similar on his keys in which he has a recreational drug, for emergency use.  Nothing sinister, just a Viagra... I have no idea, (and no desire to establish), whether it is his own prescription or acquired via another source.  A great idea I thought (and no, I won't say who).

Anyway, I showed his Mum and she liked them so we ordered more.  Well, it was my job to fill them today, and yes, again I glued the lids on!  I delivered them to her tonight, she's happy with them and his Dad is happy with his too so thats all good.

I spent the evening with Steve's parents, really just talking about Steve.  It was good to chat.  It's really the first time I have had a chance to speak to his Dad properly since the funeral.  He seems well and, even though I know he is still hurting from the loss too; he seems to have adjusted pretty well.  We spoke about all sorts including the legacy Steve wanted to leave, as I said, it was good to talk.

On returning home this evening I have done very little, I chatted to my Mum for a bit and have since been sat here at the PC.  I think bed is calling soon.  I have loads I want to do tomorrow.  The days just whizz past.

All in all it's not been a bad day.  I'm missing Steve loads right now though.  Being in Oldham today, somewhere I have only ever been with Steve before, (not least because I /We had no reason to go there other than to see his family),  it has been like a series of pin pricks, just small jabs at my sub conscious I guess, or like a child tugging at your trouser leg, just a nagging reminder.

To say I am "missing him" is not expressive enough, I'm not going to try tonight either.  I'm off to bed, it's cold and lonely without Steve there but I'm getting used to it.  Also, in addition to my thick feather duvet  I have a fleece throw on the bed too, I don't seem to be able to get warm enough in bed.  We used to just have a sheet, even in deepest winter as Steve and I were always warm.... like I said though, I'm getting used to it.

Goodnight x

Must try harder...

Yes I have done my thousand lines saying “I must try harder to blog daily”. Maybe it will work who knows but I am not going to stress about it. I am trying not to stress about a lot of stuff lately but I don’t always win but I always try.

Since I wrote last not a lot has changed, I am sure lots has happened but nothing has changed much. The whole of last week seems a blur really, I am not sure if that’s a good or bad thing but it just is what it is.

On Tuesday Steve’s mum visited as usual, she told me about wanting to throw a party for Steve’s 33rd birthday next year. I’m not convinced. Steve wanted a 33rd birthday party as it would have been significant. Significant because it would mark one month more than the max 18 month prognosis he was given. To have his party without him there seems to me to be rubbing salt into the wound, it would be confirming the doctors right as in he wouldn’t live beyond 18 months, in reality he only just scraped through 9 months. I’m not sure what will happen on that, it’s not for me to say, I’m not comfortable with a party per se but then I don’t have to go. I had planned however to go to a little hotel we found via a recommendation H gave to us, it’s a fun and quirky place, (a bit like Steve) so I might just take myself off there with a few people to drink a quiet toast to Steve, the place is called La Rosa Hotel in Whitby, http://www.larosa.co.uk/hotel/index.html it seems like fun.

On Friday the people from work came to see me again. It is so stressful when they come. I don’t know why, I don’t even understand why but it just is. I want to go back to work but right now the thought of it makes my stomach churn. I guess in part I am concerned that if I go back too soon I could have a meltdown at a wholly inappropriate time or snap at someone I ought not to and end up doing myself and work a dis-service. I am not sure they understand that fully but, I have logged on to my work email today from home to see what’s there.

I didn’t get much work done, because I have over 1200 emails to sort through my mailbox is majorly over limit so I had to wade through some old stuff and delete that first to sort of free up some space. I read a few emails though, I got before I left on the Friday before Steve died, ready for me to sort on the Monday and then a few in the following week where life went on regardless of him lying dying in an intensive care unit.

It felt odd, almost like it was me that had died. I felt like I did when I sorted through Steve’s stuff, almost like trespassing or spying, and these are MY emails.... I logged off after a while; it was making me feel sick so I thought it best to leave it for now.

When people used to say to me “Oh it made me feel sick” I thought it always referred to more of a psychological thing as opposed to a physical symptom but, lately I have come to realise that physical sick feeling exists and it has become all too common in recent weeks and months.

This weekend I have avoided people mainly. Saturday I went out for a run in the car, I went to look at a craft shop, it was stupidly expensive and no real great ideas there. I drove around for a bit but came home not spending any money and having not spoken to anyone. Just the way I wanted it I guess.

Yesterday was a little more positive. I spent the whole day in the garage sorting stuff out. It had become our dressing room whilst we were performing, costumes and props etc all over the place but now it is just full of all sorts. Some of the stuff is things we bought months ago, for new hobbies or ideas we had, they still need to be done and I will do eventually but, there is also a lot of old stage props and bits of costumes out there which need sorting too. I did sort quite a bit though, some useable stuff sidelined for a friend who also performs and makes his own costumes as he can make good use of the stuff there and other bits sidelined for other people too.

I also binned a lot of stuff, costumes and props etc which would have continued to be fine for Steve and to use but no good to anyone else or to sell. I threw hundreds of pounds worth of advertising literature in the bin too, sad but they all had Steve’s number on and as they are for “Trouble” then there will be no future need for them either. It’s sad to see all that money wasted.

In the garage too was all Steve’s coursework for the management course he did last year before he got sick and the current stuff he had been working on when he had to stop work. It was so difficult going through that stuff. Every piece of paper was like a little pin prick to my heart as almost every page had his name on, just seeing his name in print so many times in quick succession sort of took the wind out of my sails. I have decided though. I have kept some of the documents, his certificates and some feedback from others about him, (it’s nice to see how much his staff thought of him), and I have decided the rest will be shredded and made into paper bricks for the fire when we move to a boat. Steve would approve of the “green-ness” of it. Turning unwanted paper into fuel to heat the boat.

The boat at the moment seems to be a million miles away, we haven’t got a buyer for the house yet, I think we will reduce the price further in the coming weeks. I think we all just want out and a fresh start. I really think this house though; being so close to the hospital would make a great house for a developer or for a landlord. With five bedrooms, (potentially a sixth or seventh if one of the lounges and the attic were converted), then this would be great to let out to nurses or young doctors working at the teaching hospital at the end of our road. Each room could be let out for £500 ish a month and the mortgage would only be around £1,000 even if a tiny deposit was paid so there is decent potential for profit if someone has the right approach. I know it is something we could look at too but, Steve and I had just planned to sever ties with the house so that’s what I will do as apart from Steve dying, nothing else has changed.

Anyway, after spending the majority of the day outside, (or at least till 7pm ish). I then came in and cooked some food for myself then went and ironed the bed linen I had washed and dried yesterday. I cleaned and vac’d the bedroom and put the fresh linen on then shower and snuggle in my dressing gown watching an old film, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Adventures_of_Priscilla,_Queen_of_the_Desert it is a great feel good film and Steve and I would always enjoy a Sunday evening with a film. Well, by the time I had done everything it was 10.30 before I got to start the film but I enjoyed it.

I have been thinking today though how bad I have been lately in keeping in touch with people. I have hardly spoken to anyone for a few weeks. I really ought to make more of an effort and I will, just as soon as I can.

I’m going to sign off for now, I might do a further update later but maybe not. I know I posted an update here over the weekend too, I hope you liked it, http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-can-it-be.html I saw it whilst online and it really made me think. I still miss Steve more and more with each passing minute. It’s not getting easier to deal with but I suppose I am getting more used to how it feels. Difficult to explain but I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.

Until next time xxx Mark xxx

A day of thinking

This has not been a bad thing, the thinking has all been about someone. Else's project, someone elsess business idea and someone else's headache and excitement really but, let's start with yesterday.

As you know weekends have really been the toughest part of the week for me, those were the times Steve and I would find fun and interesting things to do, sometimes just shopping or doing nothing but it was with steve so being without him has made then extremely hard.

Yesterday I got up and wondered what to do. I looked at the weather and it was raining so a day out with the camera seemed off limits so I pondered, all this before getting out of bed.

I finally got up and decided I would have a day being creative, I decided some sewing was in order. I finally settled on making a handbag for a friend. It's. Up cycled (new word for recycled) from all sorts of stuff but I spent the largest part of the day on it. It was good distraction therapy because whilst I did think about steve I was too busy to get emotional. It was good therapy really. After that I made a necklace and did a few other things too so all in all a. Very creative day. I spent some time online last night but nothing to speak of so it was off to bed at a reasonable time.

Today I got up and phoned work because they had asked me to call today, I sorted a few other things then showered and got dressed. A friend came for lunch, I made a fish risotto which was lovely then we sat and chatted about her ideas. The plans are huge but, they look achievable as each element of the big idea is quite manageable for her. It looks exciting. We also spoke about a new accolade she has been awarded and how it can be 'used', again this all sounds very "cloak and dagger" but I guess this isn't really the right place to publicise her plans, although her 'thing' is public I don't feel my blog is the right place for it.... I think will understand my reasoning... I. Hope.

This evening I have been speaking to T at BT Buddies about the Corrie storyline about Brain Tumours, its a difficult topic and we each have thoughts on how it could be done better but, the main thing is that the story is running and it is raising awareness and that is all that matters.

Well it is almost bed time here for me, I have been reading a few blogs about brain tumours tonight, I wish I could stop them all as nobody should have to go through what I am going through now and what Steve and I went trough since September, I can't though and it hurts.

Well tomorrow is a new day, I am tying to keep on this upward slope of being OK so fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

A HUGE update

Here goes. I’ve not written for a few days so you’re in for a HUGE update.


Monday was a fairly good day. Well, sort of. You may recall I’d had a call on Saturday from Christies Hospital to go and collect Steve’s belongings which were there. I combined this with a trip to Steve’s work to drop off his computer which was brought here when he started “Working from home”. The work visit was first and was OK; I only saw Steve’s boss and we chatted a little. He’s a nice guy and Steve got on very well with him and liked him not only as a person but as a boss too.

The Christies visit was less pleasant. I had to go in to the critical care unit where Steve had been treated just before he was transferred to Hope Hospital. The nurse offered her condolence etc and I recognised her from when I was there last. I collected his bag of stuff. On the way out I bumped into the Doctor who had seen Steve on his last Chemo run, we chatted for a while but, she also said how completely shocked she had been about Steve’s passing, ESPECIALLY since she had seen him on 1st June and he died just 2 weeks later on 15th June. It was nice to talk but she understood when I told her I hope to not see her again in a ‘medical’ capacity.

After that I needed some air and a change of thought so I picked up a friend and we went to Heaton Park for a walk. I went a few weeks ago and ended up having to come home when my battery run out on the camera. This time my battery lasted a little longer but I had not charged them so I ran out of power again but I didn’t stress about it. We ended up sitting alongside the duck pond for a while chatting, it was nice to have a proper chat.

After that I drove him home and then called in at home before A friend arrived from Scotland to stay for a few days. It was nice to see here and to be able to chat. It wasn’t purely social, she had business to attend to here but all the same it was nice to catch up. We ended up talking till way too late but, it was good to do. I ended up though going to collect her from Knutsford as that’s where she had been left, it’s a long story.

Tuesday was OK, I took T to look for a scooter, and we found a really decent one quite locally. It will give her more independence, freedom and the ability to be out of the house for longer periods of time, hopefully free of pain. After that we called home again before heading off to see another friend about a different project. It all seems a bit hush hush but we’re trying not to tempt fate by bleating on about it, fingers crossed.

Tuesday evening Steve’s Mum visited as usual and again T and I spent way too long talking till far too late but again, it was good.

Yesterday was an odd day. We got up late because we’d gone to bed late. After T finally ;-) got dressed we went out. We had to call in to the bank first then went for a drive to Marple to the canal and spent a few hours watching the narrow boats navigating between locks 12 to 16. It looked like hard work for them. It made me think how realistic it is going to be for me to live on a narrow boat and cruise the network alone. The lock needs to be opened, and then the boat driven (?) in to the lock, the lock gate closed behind then wait for the lock to fill before opening the next gate, driving the boat out of the lock and then closing the lock gate behind you and then on to the next.... multiply that process by 16 and you can see how tiring and time consuming it is all likely to be, bearing in mind each lock takes about 20 minutes when at least 2 people are operating it.

I don’t want it to alter my decision but it certainly is a leveller. There’s a lot to consider. Knowing me though I am so stubborn, (like Steve) that I will probably just do it but curse the aches and pains (and exercise) involved!

After that T and I went to the Trafford Centre for dinner, we had a Thai meal and it was lovely and we then went to watch the last Harry Potter film. I guess it was significant for us both as she had read Harry Potter to her Fiancée as he lay critically ill. For me, I hadn’t thought about it before but, Steve and I have been to see every film together. I had read the books but Steve hadn’t. I refused to tell him the ending of each part though so, I realised last night Steve never knew the ending to the story. A journey Steve and I had begun together, watching a series of films, and he never got to the end.

I spent a lot of the film with tears running down my face. The 3D glasses were a good disguise. The tears flowed regardless of what was happening in the film, the film didn’t make me cry. Stephen wasn’t seeing it with me and that is what upset me.

I enjoyed the film but I had never considered going to the cinema to see a 12 rated film could be SO traumatic and make me cry almost the whole way through it.

On the way home T and I spoke about loads of stuff but the subject of music came up. She explained how she associates pieces of music with people and places. I asked what mine was. She said it is a piece for Steve and me and invited me to guess. Show tunes or Pop Music were nowhere near so I gave up and asked what song, she told me, Neil Diamond. I immediately thought or “America” or “Love on the rocks” and was puzzled. She told me it was “Forever in blue jeans”. It hit me.

I started crying straight away, the first verse says it all and I remembered straight away the time and place and events and why that song had become significant to us. I re-posted Steve’s blog last night with the song.

The first verse reads:

Money Talks

But it don't sing and dance

And it don't walk

As long as I can have you here with me

I'd much rather be

Forever in blue jeans

Forever in Blue Jeans

I told Stephen it was relevant to us, sod the drag, sod the stage lights and the glitz and glam and fun and sequins, wigs, shoes, parties, laughter and travelling, I just wanted him. I STILL only want him but, I know it will never be, not in this life at least.

I’m not going to write much about today, it’s been a Shitty day so far, hopefully I can turn it around but for now I think I have written enough.

Until next time xxx Mark xxx

Like not wearing underwear...

Apologies for the late update, I did think whilst driving back that I would do this earlier in the day but I have not really been in the mood.  I didn't want to have to talk to anyone, see anyone or think at all I just wanted time out.

AI guess firstly though you'd like to know a little more about yesterday. 

It started quite early, I had been up on Friday night until the early hours of Saturday morning for no good reason other than I was avoiding bed again.  I was up early yesterday morning though and realised I hadn't ironed any clothes for after the event and for today so I did that first.  Then I got shaved, the big beard and hairy chest had to go unfortunately, (I am looking forward to their return already).

Then, after showering etc i went to the dressing room and started to get ready.  It was a quiet time really.  Steve would always have show tunes on but I was happy with my thoughts.  It all went to plan and, to think I have not put a face on since August I was surprised, eyebrows looked right first time and even eyelashes stuck first time and in the right place... that's a first EVER!  I used to get stressed sometimes because they would be wonky, after the third or fourth attempt Steve would have to put them on me but yesterday the whole lot was easy and stress free.  when I finished I noticed Steve's wig to the side, on a block but sort of watching over me and supervising.

I got dressed then and set off for Sheffield, I had planned for 10am but I got going at 11am, not bad really as my initial plan hadn't included ironing and packing, it took me just over 1 hour 20 minutes from shower to leaving and that included having to iron another shirt.

En route I picked up a friend, that too could have been a drama as Steve knew where he lived and had always directed me as he was familiar with that part of Manchester, (he had lived in the area years before), but I was not.  Anyway I got there and then we set off for Sheffield.

I tried to call en route to let the organisers know my ETA but there was no signal on the phone as we drove through the mountains so I just carried on.  by the time I approached Sheffield i had received an almost frantic message asking me to call.  They were wondering where I was.  As Steve and I usually got there early morning and they had already had a string of disasters including some acts cancelling on the morning along with some of the volunteers.

When I got there the relief on their faces was evident.  I changed into costume and then familiarised myself with the running order, the new stage manager, Andrew, (conscripted that morning because someone was ill and unable to do it) and I chatted to a few early visitors.

One of the first groups I spoke to said "where's the other one... you always come with another one as well so where is she?"  The question was perfectly reasonable and it was nice they remembered that I am indeed only half of a double act.  I explained Steve had passed away but, in short that I was there for him.  the understood, they too had lost a friend recently and although they didn't really want to party they did want to honour their friends memory.

Despite that though I didn't get upset.  I just continued. A few more people arrived then more friends arrived including Stephen, (another one, not MY Steve), Stephen, or Mistress Muffy, was to be my co-host for most of the day, along with a few of our other friends too but, I was happy to step out on stage with him as Steve and I had worked with him before, being a friend firstly but also someone we have worked with before then it just made it easier, the same can be said for Dan and Heather too, as friends they understood the bond Steve and I had and it made what was looking like a difficult day a whole lot less daunting.  I also have to say though that the last minute stage manager Andrew was fantastic, a complete pleasure to work with and he just managed to keep everything running smoothly, (as smooth as it can be when we have problems thrown at us such as we did), I was able trust him and rely on him completely, (which is out of character for me being a known control freak) as I couldn't possibly keep tabs on everything whilst I was on stage.  As I said he was just great and truly an asset to the www.sheffieldpride.org.uk volunteer team.

Through most of the day I was fine.  There were a lot of friends there and they all kept checking if I was OK, and how I was feeling, it was nice to know they cared so much and for the majority of the day I was fine.  I did have a moment though toward the latter part of the day, stood to the side of stage just watching one of the girl groups who were on and my mind wandered, it wandered to thoughts of Steve, I can't describe it really but it was almost like having a bucket of water thrown over you, this mix of feelings and thoughts just descended on me and I started to well up.  I caught myself and reigned it in fast, I couldn't afford to lose it when I was due on stage in a few minutes and, as I had done so well all day I refused to give in to the emotion.

The picture shows just a couple of friends who I was pleased to have there for the day x

The next "moment" was being on stage with Heather, I don't remember what she said, it was nothing probably, I am guessing she may have been thanking me, (she was there doing some official thanks from Sheffield Pride) but again, it washed over me.  As I replied to Heather I heared my voice crack.  Again I reigned it in and I thanked Steve, for introducing me to Sheffield and it's people, such a warm and welcoming community, they almost feel like family and I also thanked the people of Sheffield for welcoming me and Steve, I probably rambled on a bit as I am prone to doing but we gave three cheers to Steve and to Miss Whiplash. I think most people 'got' the sentiment, especially as whiplash's picture was in their official pride programme with a write-up.

I felt and hoped Steve was there with me, I wore the bracelet I made to remind me of him, the picture shows it next to the tattoo (or at least part of the tattoo), that I had done to commemorate his life just before the funeral.  It's the date of our wedding or "Civil Partnership" as it's correctly termed.  (Thanks to "G" for the pic xxx) I also wore Steve's stage rings, they sparkled beautifully, just as he would have.

Throughout the day when asked how I was I just said I was fine.  Again, it is difficult to explain but the only analogy I can give is that it is like going out without underwear on.  To everyone else you look the same, (I had the painted face and broad smile to mask the feelings inside), but, you know something is not right and something is missing.  that's probably as good as the explanation gets.  I was doing it for Steve, it didn't feel right but I did it.  I am glad I did it though and have no regrets at all, he did so much for me, and brought me such happiness in our six and a bit short years and the least I could do was to share some of that happiness with the 10,000 or so people who were there on Saturday.

After the event closed I headed off to the hotel.  The hotel booking was supposed to be for Steve and I but I went anyway.  I wanted to change and spend some time with our friends as me.  check-in at www.kenwoodhall.co.uk was fine, I did raise an eyebrow or two though as I passed a wedding reception en route to my room.  A guest was heard commenting to the bride that not many weddings have drag queens at them..... Steve and I did a few but I didn't correct him.  the room was lovely but as I sat there at the dressing table taking off my jewellery, wig and makeup I looked out of the window and saw the brightest rainbow I have seen for years.

That was it, it set me off. It may have been a coincidence but to have a rainbow so bright at the end of what was supposed to be Steve's last performance.  The rainbow was seen over the stage when everyone had gone and the cleanup had begun but I could see it from my hotel window too.  Whats the chances.  You can see how limited the view was and I had it in sight.  The international symbol for gay pride is a rainbow flag so for may of the people who were there yesterday they will have identified with the rainbow anyway, for me it had extra meaning.  I took it to mean that Steve had been happy with the day and by way of thanks, to lift the gloom I felt, he sent a rainbow.

After that the night seemed to go pretty quickly. I joined a few friends at the official after pride party but chose to drive.  I didn't want to drink.  I had managed to keep a lid on most of my emotions for most of the day, I didn't want alcohol to loosen the lid as it were so I thought it best not to drink, that, and I was tired so a few drinks and I would have fallen over!

I gave Heather a lift home on my way back to the hotel and then woke this morning after a reasonable sleep and set off for home.  I had taken my camera with me to stop off en route to take some pictures as there is some lovely scenery but the weather was too bad and I had forgotten to take a coat.

Since being home I have spent it alone, in silence for the main part.  I have not wanted to see anyone or talk to anyone.  I don't know why but I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts.  I feel anti-social but on the flip side I reckon talking to 10,000+ people yesterday will buy me some credit in the "need to talk to more people"  stakes.

I'm heading to bed now, again, it's a long one and sorry but I hope you enjoyed reading nonetheless.

Until tomorrow,
 Mark x