Second Attempt...

Here goes with another attempt at trying to update my blog from last week, after my short blog last night I am sure you can see my frustration with technology.



Anyway, after I wrote my blog on our anniversary I went to bed, there I cried myself to sleep, I seemed to be crying for hours. I felt alone and lonely, sad the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with has gone. When we said “till death us do part” I had never realised it would come so soon after.


Saturday 15th was pretty uneventful. On Sunday 16th I was supposed to be going out with a friend, a little like the Three Kings he travelled from afar but not with Gold Frankincense and Myrrh but with White wine, Red wine and Mirth. Also, more like a Queen than a King but you get my drift. We were supposed to go and see another friend’s drag show early evening. I was fine in the morning and early afternoon but then it descended on me, like a cloud of gloom, a melancholy mood which I couldn’t shrug so, not wanting to spoil other peoples fun I decided not to go and to go for a drive instead. If I am honest the drive didn’t help but it meant I was alone and not upsetting anyone else with my miserable mug.


Monday was pretty uneventful from what I remember, just work and home as usual but, on Tuesday J arrived, I cooked and we ended up sat till the wee small hours over a few bottles of wine chatting about all sorts, mainly Steve I guess but, my friend doesn’t seem to mind, he understands as he too has lost a loved one tragically way too soon.


On Wednesday it was work as usual during the day but in the evening we hit the town, well, sort of. I got home from work, freshened up and changed as did J, we then headed in to Manchester for dinner before heading off to see Peter Kay and his Tour That Didn’t Tour Show, it was fab, a real laugh and a much needed tonic. Another friend had been bought tickets and was unable to go so they kindly asked if I’d like to go, I said yes and then decided to ask my friend to come too. It was a real giggle. If I am honest I sometimes don’t get the Peter Kay brand of humour which seems to be shout louder and repeat several times but, on Wednesday I did, he was VERY funny and we both enjoyed a good old laugh. I would like to say my laughter wasn’t tempered by thoughts of Steve but it was, I missed him a lot and we spoke of him too during the interval, Steve would however have been pleased to see us out and about. It was an unexpected but very much appreciated night out and as I have already said, a real tonic.


On Thursday we had a viewing on the house so I had to come home from work early to do the show around, she seemed interested but we have heard nothing yet so will take that she has seen somewhere else preferable. Thursday and Friday were quiet apart from that. On Friday I met with a Friend and we headed out for some retail therapy and a chat, it was nice to have a wander about. On Saturday it was much the same, I met with an old friend, we spent the whole day shopping and chatting, our coffee breaks seemed to go on forever as we sat and chatted. Even though we have not seen each other for a long while it was like we saw each other last week, we had a lovely time and again, it was a real tonic to catch up with her.


Last week I also booked tickets to go on the train to see my Sister, her hubby and some friends in November. The train journey is 5 hours but the drive would be the same, the train is cheaper though and it means I can relax on the journey and arrive fresher than if I had driven. It will be nice to see my sister again as I have not seen here since Steve’s funeral, similarly the friends I will see there too, I’ve not seen them since Steve’s funeral. I am really looking forward to it and, I will be stashing a bottle of Gin in my suitcase when I go as I think a few bevies are in order. I didn’t get to see much of them around the time of the funeral so now, five months on, I think it is about time we raised a glass or several to Stephen, to friends and to the future and whatever it may hold.


Sunday was a good day, I spent it being creative and crafty, it was nice to have some me time which was also creative time.


Yesterday was work as usual and Today I left work and headed in to town to the shops, there was something I wanted but alas, the shop is no longer stocking the item, perhaps I will revert to Amazon. Oh, that’s the other thing too, lots of people have already asked me what I want for Christmas. I can’t comment on their planning as I am also well prepared for Christmas. Instead of saying “I don’t know” I have tried to start a “Wish List” on Amazon, just search my name on Amazon and it should be there somewhere, I don’t quite know how it works but I am told it does. As my birthday comes before xmas though I have already said I want to be boring and have cash for that as there is a modification I want done to the car which the money will come in very useful for and it will be the “finishing touch” to the changes I have made so far.


Well, I think I have covered everything now, before I go though I do just want to say a huge thank you to all my friends and family for all their support. Some of you have been supportive without knowing it and others by not doing much other than just being there of making their presence felt. I really do appreciate and thank all our friends, I’d like to think they know who they are.


Friends are like stars.....

You don’t have to see them to know they are there.



Love to you all,

M x

Second blog of the day. Happy Anniversary ? ? ?

Yes, this is a second blog because to add it on to my previous one just would not do it justice.

You may have guessed from the title today is anniversary.  Not a happy anniversary but memories of happier times with the one person I have loved more than anything or anyone else in the world.

I hope wherever you are Stephen that you are at peace, free from pain and worry and illness.  I love you more and more with each passing hour, the pain cuts deeper and my heart feels heavier with each passing day.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me, you made every day with you a happy one, even when we disagreed you still managed to make me smile and I have never been able to be annoyed at you for long, your smile, your cheeky look, your sparkly eyes and your tender touch could make any troubles disappear, I wish you were here to do that now.

On this day in 2006 we became one, joined in the eyes of the law, of our family and of our friends.  You said it was the happiest day of your life, a life cut short but a life which touched so many.  I've lit some candles for you and us tonight.  Not a romantic night in but I know you loved our candlelit nights in.

You've not been far from my thoughts since you passed, this week has been tough and today especially so. I keep smiling though, I don't want to but I know many find my feelings, thoughts and emotions too much to deal with, for them I smile, I spare them the discomfort and hide it from the world, not just today but every day for many weeks now.

It has been nice to come home today, back to our home.  I know we had planned to go away this weekend, just escape, the two of us, similar to how we did last year.  I remember this weekend last year, getting away to the countryside, no phone signal, an open log fire and plenty of time to talk.  Those are happy memories, not a great time because we already had a hint of what may be, but, you smiled and stayed positive and never gave up.  You loved the simple things, a walk in the bracing winds, dodging the puddles or wiping the rain from your glasses, the weather never dampened your spirits or your zest for life and I try to keep that in mind to stay happy for you.

I saw this pebble a while ago, thought of you and bought it but it has heightened meaning and sentiment today.  I have also been very thoughtful this week about hope.  you never gave up hope, it stayed with you and with us to the very end.  I am learning to hope again.  Hoping for a brighter future, hoping I can learn to live with this pain and hoping that wherever you are you are safe and at peace.
I have noticed this week that Hope is your legacy to me, it is the one thing you have shown me and taught me which will always be with me, no matter how little money I have, how dark the days are or how long the nights are, it will always be there.  I saw this "token" on my first day in Cardiff and bought it,  I am seeing the hope around me.  Hopes for life, for a future and for a new beginning and for that I thank you.

I have re read you blog (click here) tonight from this day last year.  I was so proud of you then and still am.  The sign is still in the house in the same place you decided to put it where it would cheer you up every morning and give you a spark to light the fire that kept you driving forward.  I know I will "get there" eventually, in the meantime though I am continuing your blog. You are still an inspiration to many and even within the last few weeks I have had feedback from people who have found your journey an inspiration and comfort to them, in particular your approach to your treatment. 

Once again Happy Anniversary Stephen, thank you for the good times, you will be in my heart forever.

Till we meet again, 831 Pud xxx (Click here)

The first day of the rest of his life...

Thats what this day last year was for Steve, he was determined to live his life to the fullest and that commenced on October 4th.  It was a good day for him, read his blog, (Click here)

The story that fits around this though highlights how happy he actually was on that day.  For as long as I had known Steve he had never been able to find his birth certificate.  He knew it was safe somewhere but he had no idea where, even though he had searched for it many times.

When I returned from work on 4th October 2010 Steve was VERY excited.  "I've had a sign" he said.  I had no idea what he was on about but he explained.

Whilst sorting through some papers, getting rid of the old stuff and making way for his new life he found his Birth Certificate.  It had been missing for years and there it was, amongst some old papers.  He waved his certicficate at me and was SO pleased.  It really was the first day of the rest of his life. 

He died just 9 months later.  Someone pointed out to me around the time of the funeral that it takes 9 months for a child to be born from conception, (I did go to biology lessons but some people like to remind us of the obvious), perhaps the nine months from finding his certificate was significant of a new start and a new life in a better place.  Who knows?

I know I am still missing him a huge amount, I manage to smile and function as a member of society and as a member of the workplace, functioning as a son, a brother, a friend and a colleague but, it is just that, functioning.  I'm getting used to it though.  I accept my life may never feel "whole" again.

I chatted tonight with a friend about someone we care about.  In a similar situation to me but being judged for grasping at happiness and dating.  It wasn't planned but, being judged for being human and acknowledging feelings  is wrong.  I might be in a similar position one day.  I am not looking for anyone else but I also know fate will deliver whatever it has planned for me.  I just hope in the meantime that Steve can influence the "chosen one".  Either way I am sure there will be plenty said behind my back and less said to my face.  Lets just see what happens eh.....

Goodnight for now xxx

You don't die from a broken heart...

...you only wish you did.

I know this to be true as I am still alive to write this for you and yes, I have wished I could be with Steve, whatever it takes. 

The past few days have been tough.  I mentioned a few days ago the anniversary of Steve being admitted to hospital.  One year ago today he was discharged from hospital.  He was discharged following an appointment with a Consultant Neurosurgeon.

The meeting was at a different hospital, the one near our home so, we collected Steve's belongings and drove over to the hospital.  Steve's Mum had decided she wanted to go too, even though Steve didn't want that, (he just didn't want the fuss), he was beyond putting up an arguement and just accepted it.

We waited outside the ward for our appointment.  A very secure ward with restricted doors etc so only authorised personnel were allowed in.  We were shown to an office and asked to wait.  Steve was sat alongside me gripping my hand tightly, he was SO scared but put on a brave face.

The Consultant entered the room, a friendly looking older gent closely followed by a nurse, in uniform but holding a leaflet.  One glance at the leaflet and I saw the word "Macmillan" across it.  My heart sunk and I guessed what might be coming.  She placed the leaflet face down on the table next to her.  It was too late, I had seen it and Steve had too.

The meeting seemed a bit of a blur to Steve, he engaged with the consultant but although he heard the words he didn't remember.  I had to go over it again for him when we got home.

The consultant told us that at present the only diagnosis he could give was that it was a cystic tumour.  This meant that it is a tumour which is of indeterminable substance.  He couldn't say if it was cancer or not and would not be drawn to make a comment as to his opinion of it.

The tumour appeared, from the scans, to measure around 3cm by 5cm, around the size of a large egg.  He showed us the scan and we could see how large it looked, it seemed to take up almost a quarter of the space his brain was occupying.  It explained the headaches.

He told Steve that he would be admitted to hospital the following week for major brain surgery and that he would be performing it.  He explained the procedure, called debulking and explained the risks, death from anaesthetic, death from complications death from etc etc.  We asked about the alternative, it wasn't very attractive, it was death. 

It was odd that he knew this tumour could kill Steve but didn't know what it was.  With hindsight I think he probably had a pretty good idea what it was but wouldn't commit until absolutely sure. 

Steve asked about out holiday, remember we were due to go on holiday early in November for 3 weeks.  All he would say is that he can't advise one way or another until the biopsy has been done.  He said if it is benign then a holiday may be just the thing he needs to relax and recuperate, if it is malignant then further treatment would continue as soon as possible to provide him with the best possible chance.

As a young, fit and healthy man he said Steve had a very good chance of making a full recovery.  He did say though that he could expect to feel tired for around six months as brain surgery can affect energy levels for quite some time.

The rest of the day we were numb.  We were grateful to be reunited at home but we were numb.

Twelve months on from that and I feel numb again.  I am brutally aware of what happened next and of my current situation but I'm managing to stay relatively composed (almost).  I cant think of very much else at the moment but I am trying to be strong.  Steve was and remained so thoroughout his journey.  I can't call it an illness as he refused to let it make him ill. 

Stephen showed more courage than I ever thought imaginable.  He called me his rock.  He was mine too.  His courage and determination was a constant inspiration to me and still is. For that I am grateful and always will be.

A way forward

Thats where I am at right now, looking for a way forward.  Looking for that elusive new norm.  Today has been a mixed day.  An interesting meeting today has left me with a lot of mixed emotions and feeling "on edge" about a lot of things.  All adding to my stress levels.  I'm trying not to dwell on it because I can't afford to let the stress get to me.

In many ways the past 12 months have served to make me stronger.  In many other ways they have highlighted my vulnerability.

After Steve's initial diagnosis I recall going out for dinner with his parents and his Uncle.  The same Uncle that told him he could stand up and fight his cancer or he could pull the duvet over his head and give in to it.  He told us how he was now bullet proof.

We didn't really understand but, as he had lost his Wife to cancer just 9 months previously he explained how the worse thing he could ever imagine or fear had now happened so, whatever else came his way would not be difficult to deal with. 

I understand that now as I have lived through and continue to live in my worse nightmare.  Being single per'se is not a nightmare, I have been single before and had a very happy and fulfilled life thank you very much.  The nightmare comes in that I have lost my soulmate, lost whilst we were very much still in love with each other, lost whilst we were still in our idealistic honeymoon phase.

There seems to be no let up to my grief at the moment.  It creeps up and surprises me at the most inconvenient time.  This morning driving to work I heard the song "Time to say goodbye", it set me off.  it's not a song Steve and I identified with but as soon as it started it too me to the crematorium, stood in front of Steve's coffin with his picture smiling back at me.  I stopped tocompose myself.  I ended up being about 2 minutes late for work.  Not a huge issue but persoanlly frustrating that this had happened.  It was a bright morning and I was in a good mood.

I considered earlier today the difference in how I feel, how well I feel I am coping, how well friends think I am coping and how "others" feel I am coping.  I am not really bothered about other peoples opinions of how I  am managing.  I feel I have made a lot of progress, it's still less than three months since Steve died.  Seeing the news reports yesterday of the 9/11 memorials and how emotional and upset those families still are after ten years of grieving made me realise my loss and how that makes me feel will be with me for the rest of my life.  When people say, "so you're feeling better now?" or as my Aunt said last week, "Oh so you're over it all now" I get angry but, I hope they have seen the reports from yesterday and have realised that grief does not respond to timescales or deadlines.  My life has now been changed forever as have as those of Stephen's many friends, as the song says, he has left a handprint on my heart, I am sure there are many other hearts wearing the same print http://animoto.com/play/GkTXS6BMWsRca25Z4Ix1tw

Overall I still feel I am moving forward and making progress, there are good parts of most days and tough parts of every day but all in all I am getting there, wherever "there" may be.  Tomorrow I have a productive day planned at work, theres a lot of ideas swimming around in my head, they seem to be coming back slowly but surely and I am looking forward to getting back "up to speed".  That doesn't mean forgetting Steve, it just means learning to live in my new situation.

Thats it for tonight, early to bed as tomorrow is a work day.  Early to bed doesn't mean sleeping though, I'm still not conquering the whole sleep thing but, at least being in bed I am showing willing.

Goodnight xxx

and so the journey began...

that's where I am at, exactly twelve months since Steve was sent to the eye hospital following a routine eye test.  Following his eye test on 5th September he saw his own doctor on the morning of 7th September and he referred Steve to the eye hospital in the afternoon.  His appointment was at 2pm and I took him to the hospital despite him insisting he would be fine to go on his motorbike.

The department closed at 6pm but Steve and I were still there at 6.15pm whilst they booked him in for an MRI scan to following day.

We went home and discussed the days events but didn't worry too much.  I say that but what I mean is we didn't discuss it much.  Steve said he was worried, (as was I), but didn't see the point in getting stressed because at this point we had no idea what we would be worrying about.  We were to find out all too soon.

A year on and I have been sat here alone all day.  I have done quite a lot of work really.  Letters prepared to be sent to tie up some loose ends with Stephens affairs, there is still more to do but I felt in a work like mood today and it has also been the first day I have felt able to face some of the stuff I have had to deal with.

Steve rarely took the ostrich approach, (burying your head in the sand), and I encouraged him to face up to the things he would prefer to avoid.  He learned well and also encouraged me to do the things I put off till last minute.  I have been putting a lot of things off since he died i guess though last week's reality check, being alone on the trip we had planned together has really given me a kick up the arse.

Stephen is dead.  There is nothing I can do about it.  I know crying wont help, wishing and hoping doesn't help, in fact nothing does because I have tried. 

I learned today of a little boy called Ashley.  He died this day last year.  I have seen his picture and he is such a cute kid, that makes it all the more difficult.  He was just 8 when he died.  Its not fair is it.  It's stories like that which remind me that my pain is similar to the pain many people the world over are sharing because of one small six letter word, a small word with huge implications. Cancer.

It's because of that small but disproportionately huge word that Andrew is running for Steve and for Christies in a few weeks, I have sponsored him, can you? http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85 every penny will help.

I think whilst we are all safe and sound in our own homes with our loved ones around us we forget about other peoples suffering.  Remember, cancer does not discriminate over age, race, religion, sex or sexuality.  Cancer wont care if you have thousands of pounds in the bank or just a few pennies, no matter how much is in there though you cant spend that money when you're dead.

Steve and I worked hard.  We worked all week in our day jobs and almost all weekend performing and entertaining others.  We spread a lot of happiness, joy and laughter around the country, we earned a few quid too but what good was it?  We worked and worked and worked, last year it was for our holiday in November.  Three weeks in India.  We never got there. 

Cancer stopped our plans.  Our holiday was cancelled, our money lost and days on the beach or sightseeing were replaced with hospital waiting rooms and the radiotherapy suite at Christies Hospital.  I don't know if I will ever be able to go to India to see the things Steve wanted to see, I would love to but, I realise that is is not important anymore.  The most important thing to me is no longer here.

I don't want to drag the soap box out but spare a moment.  How would you feel without your closest loved one around you?  If they had cancer would you be wishing someone had found a cure or would you feel proud that you helped do as much as possible to fight this killer?  None of us can find a cure on our own but we can join together as one voice and support those who aim to help others.

One in three of us will be affected by cancer in our lives that's for sure but, what isn't sure is which one of us it will be.

Spare a thought for Ashley's family tonight, snatched from them at just 8 years old just one year ago and please remember that any support you are able to provide is VERY much appreciated by each and every family who have lost a loved one to cancer.

Goodnight xxx