And so it ends...

The weekend is over and now it's time to look forward to another busy week at work. No complaints though as it seems busy is just going to be the theme from now till Christmas.

On Thursday last week I had a busy day at work, so much so I was over an hour later than usual leaving which meant I had less time in the evening. That's not usually a problem but on Thursday I had to iron my clothes and pack my bag for my weekend away.

I tried to catch up with a few things before I left but as usual I ran out of time.

On Friday I was up and out early to catch my train, the train journey was around 4.5 hours to Norfolk, about the same length of time as it would take to drive.

When I got to Norwich I was met by my Sister and a friend. We made our way in to the city and went for lunch, it was lovely to sit and catch up as I've not seen either of them since Steve's funeral. We chatted for a while and then ha a wander through some of the shops there. By 5 we were heading for another stop, this time a cup of tea and a muffin. We sat and chatted for what felt like a short time but before we knew it, it was 7pm and the place was closing so we made out way back to the car.

As I was staying with a friend my Sister and brother in law came sound too and we all ate together, it was lovely again to catch up and just enjoy each others company oh and we did manage to sink a few Gin's!

On Saturday we all headed off to a country craft fayre. It was nice and great for getting ideas for the things I like to make. There was of course a few things which make you question, "who buys this stuff?" but, overall it wa good. One in particular was a guy who made jewellery from coins, I saw some with my year of birth and instinctively looked for Steve's too. I guess I have still not quite got out of the habit of shopping with Steve in mind. I wonder if I ever will?

Today, following a hearty breakfast we all headed off to Croma . A brisk and fresh walk along the prom, down the pier and then up the beach with my Sisters dog. Again it was nice to be out and about.

This afternoon it was time to head home so my friends dropped me at the train station to catch the 17.21 bus (a rail replacement service to Peterborough due to works on the line). That was the time printed on the ticket, it was only when I got to Norwich I was told I should be on the 17.21 from Peterborough which means I should have been on the 15.00 bus! A complete balls up!!!

As I had missed the last direct train to Manchester I am now en route to Leeds where I will need to get a train to Manchester oh and the best part, (note the hint of sarcasm) , is that I'll have to pay AGAIN for the journey a it's a different route and I am also having to stand for the trip! Joy!!

All in all though it's not put a dampener on the weekend. I have enjoyed spending it with friends and family. The last time I visited Norfolk was with Steve in February and before that in August 2010 just a week before our brain tumour journey began. I hope nothing happens a week after this trip.

Well thats about it for now, I'll probably tell you tomorrow what time I eventually get home....

Bye for now
M x

Sent from my iPhone

Surprise!

No matter how well I think I am doing my grief often takes me by surprise. Be that a glimpse of something Steve would love, a slight hint of a fragrance Steve wore or a snippet of a song he sang along to, they are all bitter reminders.

I miss him more with each passing hour and every day I learn of more reasons I miss him. Today I miss his knowledge of Manchester. Although not a Mancunian he knew his way around the city. Today I had a business meeting and had to rely on my trusty iPhone to direct me instead of Steve.

As I stepped off the tram in St Peters Square the Midland Hotel caught my attention. It has been bedecked with Christmas lights. It reminded me immediately of a picture Steve took of the Midland with its lights on. His office was next door to it and for him their lights signalled the start of Christmas. There it was, another stab in the heart. I never thought I'd get emotional over some white lights on a hotel.

I know some people are growing tired of my grief, I am too. I don't plan these reminders, those I can prepare for, browsing a photo album or opening letters addressed to Steve are easy to deal with. It's the ones that creep up on you and take you by surprise that are hardest to deal with.

I want to be happy, I want to laugh and for the most part I manage that, at least on the outside. I don't mean I want to forget, I never will, the hole Steve left in my heart when he died cannot be filled but I know things will get easier. Eventually.

After this afternoons event I spent some time chatting with a friend. It was great to chat, we do t get to meet up very often but it's always good to chat to her.

I've had a busy evening again tonight though. Some friends called around so, after they left I had a few things to sort and then changed the bed linen as I had hoped to yesterday. It's now almost 11pm and its me time. Again the evening has flown by and I still have so much to do before the weekend.

Maybe one day I will write about how I have relaxed for the whole day and done nothing. Maybe, but I don't see it being any time soon!

Well it's bedtime for me now, goodnight. Sending love to you all and particularly anyone suffering a loss, I know being a Gay Widower is a lonely place.

xxMxx

Sent from my iPhone

Tea.

Yes it's an odd one isn't it.  Lately, I'd say over the past 4 or 5 weeks or so I have been drinking a lot more Tea, (I have been drinking a lot more wine too but that's another story).  Right now though I have a large mug of tea at hand.

I've taken to making myself a cuppa before bed and taking it with me to bed.  by the time I settle it's at just the right temperature.  This may not seem odd for anyone else but it does for me and it brings back memories too.  Happy memories.

As you know Steve and I worked most weekends in addition to our day jobs as cabaret artiste's, Drag Queens to be precise.

Many weekends we'd not return home until after 3am sometimes it would be approaching 6am depending how far away the gig was.  It started as a joke between us when people said, "Oooh I bet you can't wait to finish work so you can go and party too..." we would always say how we were looking forward to finishing, going home and having a nice cup of tea and a slice of toast before bed.

It sort of became a ritual for us.  We'd go to our dressing room and take our costumes / makeup or both off then I'd get in to the shower whilst Steve filled the kettle, fetched our bathrobes and got the cups ready etc.  by the time he had done that, (and fed the cats usually), then I'd be out of the shower.  As I dried myself he'd be undressing and getting in the shower so, by the time I had got in to my robe and finished making the tea and toast Steve would be out of the shower too and ready to sit down with me for a well earned cuppa!

We'd spend a while sitting and chatting and reflecting on the night.  Critiquing our own performances or bitching about whoever or whatever had annoyed us that night or sharing the laughs we'd had through the night.

I miss that.  I miss the performing too but with Steve it was all so easy.  We worked well as a couple on and off stage.  We formed a real partnership and I could always rely on him to be there for me, being supportive, helping and contributing in all ways.  From helping prep food for dinner through to helping change the duvet or even the more mundane things like helping tidy up, choose presents or any other jobs that may need doing at any time.  I have to do those alone now.  I am realising more and more I cannot achieve on my own what Steve and I would achieve together.

Tonight I haven't stopped.  Sitting to write this is the first rest I have had.  I needed to sort through my bureau and sort through another cupboard this evening so, as soon as I got in I started packing up my craft stuff and sorting through a huge pile of paperwork. 

It's both therapeutic and difficult.  Obviously there is still a lot of Steve's stuff in there so I have had to sort that too.  Some stuff to go to his memory box, some stuff to go with all the documents or papers I have generated or needed or had to deal with since his death and of course some things which just needed to be destroyed.

I wanted to do so much more with my evening tonight, I wanted to catch up with a friend and hear all about her new car and also speak to another whose call I missed yesterday plus a whole list of other things too but as usual I didn't get through everything on my list.

I'm tired now and have a long day ahead tomorrow so my bed is calling me, (which reminds me I wanted to put fresh linen on the bed tonight too).  Oh dear...  Perhaps I will do it tomorrow... time permitting.

Till then, goodnight,

Mark x

Significantly different

That’s how things are right now. It’s been quite a week since I wrote last. A long and difficult week. I would say it’s possibly been one of the most difficult weeks of recent months and I don’t understand why. I’ve had a few worries, not much more than usual though.



It hasn’t been a particularly busy week, I have kept busy but under my own initiative in the main not under the direction or request of others. I am starting to become aware though of this building stress within me, I am not sure if keeping busy is helping distract me from the thing that’s bothering me or if it’s adding to it. I appreciate being busy though as I can absorb myself in the task at hand instead of sitting and reflecting, perhaps that’s what’s making the blog difficult, having to reflect, all be it for a short time. I am forcing myself to think about things. I still recognise it’s helpful though to me and to others too and re-reading Stephen’s blog of this time last year reminds me of that.



Reading Steve’s blog of November 21st Last year I came across the following paragraph:

I have thought about Mark and what he will do when am not here - we often


laugh that it will be me getting phone calls from the police station saying


that they have picked him up in Tesco shoplifting etc wearing a big Floppy


Hay at the age of 70 - that's our plan you see - he goes slightly erratic


and I go sort him out when were older. Obviously this plan has now changed a


little bit, and I'm doing erratic and odd things and he sorts me out.

It got to me. Yes, I used to enjoy being slightly eccentric, adopting a fun a jovial outlook on life and trivialising things to make them more palatable. All of that has gone. I recognise that person but I have not seen him for a long time.



Back to the present. On Friday, after a trip to Liverpool with a friend I called in to The Trafford Centre to have a wander through the shops, More than anything it was just time out, wandering around aimlessly I wandered from one end to the other. I got to John Lewis and as I walked through the homewares department I saw a cushion on a bed in a display. It was very simple, Grey and Red and had a ‘patch’ embroidered on it which said “You & Me”. It was lovely. I approached the display to take a closer look and then it hit me. There is no “You” in my bed, there is just a “Me”. I fought back the tears, just as I am trying to do now.



Such a beautiful gift and nobody to share it with. As I walked the very long walk to where my car was parked I seemed to pass an endless number of couples, Gay couples, Lesbian couples, some clearly mature relationships and some clearly new but seeing each one gave me a punch in the gut, making me remember loud and clear what I have lost. I know our family and friends have lost too but life for them is as normal. I am the one waking up alone every morning and getting in to a cold and empty bed at night, as I know many others do but every morning I wake alone serves to remind me and, every night I slip in to a cold bed does the same.



Friday was difficult



On Saturday I spent the whole day busying myself. I started wrapping Christmas presents. On finishing the first the person for whom the gift was intended sent me a SMS message. As I completed wrapping the second the recipients arrived at the door. It was an odd coincidence and I can’t help but think Steve had some sort of influence there. The third, fourth and so on did not generate any SMS or visits etc, perhaps for the best and I continued to busy myself being creative and wrapping presents.



On Sunday I did the same again, more wrapping and more creativity. Some gifts have been parcelled up to be sent abroad, they will go to the post office this week.



Well today has seen the start of a new week. I have a busy week this week at work but a few things to look forward to throughout the week. Most importantly though I’m looking forward to the weekend. Time is whizzing by lately. Christmas is looming, beyond that there’s New Year. That’s a whole other blog entry so for now..... Goodnight and thank you for being so patient.

Time flies.....

It's been a few days.  Not bad for me eh.  It's just struck me tonight that my Grandfather died 25 years ago.  I can't say I remember him like it was yesterday but I do have clear memories of him.  I miss him too, I remember his funny ways, family members reading will know what I mean.   I got on to that train of thought by thinking about my Nan who had to deal with Christmas just 6 weeks after her husband died, I have it looming just 6 months after Steve died and it is daunting to say the least.  Part of me is excited about Christmas  but part of me is dreading it.  I want to be busy cooking on Christmas day but also want to be able to stay in bed hiding from the world all day if I want to.  I don't know how I will manage with it yet. Today has been an ok sort of day.  Work was horrible, after a team meeting this morning my manager commented how quiet I was about the newest announcement.  I explained it by stating how my priorities in life have changed. Some things are not important to me any more and after over two years of trying to get my point across I have given up I guess.  That I guess is because of the new life lessons I learned after Steve died. I did receive a call at work today though from an agent who used to book Steve and I on a regular basis.  Steve would talk to him a few times a week about bookings even after his diagnosis Steve used to book acts for him.  Basically he was asking if I would be going back on stage.  He said a lot of complimentary things which was nice and to hear his refer to Steve and I in such pleasant terms was nice, not least because in a way it is nice to know Steve is still missed and that the "show is circle" is feeling our loss too.  Maybe it's wrong of me but it is comforting to know my loss is shared with others too outside of the family circle. Not a lot of other news to share.  I called to visit friends tonight, as usual one half of the couple was at work.  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  Steve and I learned that lesson the hard way.  You're a long time dead and do you want to be remembered for all the missed opportunities and lonely nights waiting for work to end or for the way in which, despite a demanding job, you managed to make time for friends' family and loved ones? I'm a fine one to talk, I saw some friends on Sunday I have not seen for a very long time.  I have been bad at staying in touch with friends for a long while but, I keep referring back to the saying:- Friends are like stars, you don't have to see them to know they are there. With that in mind I am going to bed, take a look / have a listen, this is the song for where I am "at" right now.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsYJKWHastc&feature=youtube_gdata_player Nite nite readers,  xxxMxxx

Sew busy...

Well that's my blog summed up in two words.

Yesterday, well apart from a busy day at work I spent the evening, (or a large part of it) on the phone to a few friends and knitting.... I have got a little further but LOADS to do.

This morning I got up at around 9am and sorted a little washing etc.  I received a call from someone re Steve's estate, that sort of put me on a back foot this morning as I didn't expect to have to explain (again) to someone why Steve is not responding to email etc.  The blunt, "He's Dead" approach seems to get the point across quite succinctly.  It hurts.  I miss him.  I more than miss him but I don't know what word describes how much I miss him...

Anyway, after that I got dressed and then started sorting my stuff out for a day of crafty shizzle.  I started around 10.30 this morning and didn't stop meddling until around 10.30 this evening!  I got quite a bit done but I can't post a pic as they are mainly gifts...  =( but, hopefully there will be a few happy people when Christmas arrives in 42 days time!!!

I am not sure what I will do tomorrow, I had planned, (in my mind), to go and see some friends today but I didn't get to as I got absorbed with stitching.  I am quite eager to do some more stitching tomorrow but it will depend on what time I get up and I would still like to see friends but I really need to get the Chrimbo shizzle sorted..... hmmm lets wait and see what the morning brings.

Well it's bedtime here so I will catch y'all soon.

xxx M xxx

Me Me Me, Busy Busy Busy and Chrimbo is coming...

Phew, I can't believe it's been a week but at the same time I have done SOOO much i can't believe it is only a week.

Firstly and most importantly, I have re-read Steve's blog from this week last year, it's made me smile, just hearing his voice in his blog really is comforting.  It wasn't a great time for him but theres no self pity.  Amazing really.  Despite his terminal diagnosis he never whinged.  Thats something the "friend" who has been trying to cause me stress this week would do well to remember. A few people know to whom I am referring and those that don't really don't need to worry.  Just join me in smiling when you think of how Stephen never stopped smiling and never lost his sense of humour.

Since last week I have been SO busy.  It's good I guess.  On Friday a friend came to visit, it was great to see him.  He seems quite well although I was a little concerned for him healthwise but I'm sure he is adult enough to take care of himself.  We didn't get to chat for long but hopefully we can meet up for dinner or coffee soon.  We have never been "high maintenance" friends, we just catch up as and when we can and it's great.  He was also my "wingman" after Steve died whilst I arranged the funeral etc, in part my level head.  Something Steve had always been.  I will always be grateful for that.

On Saturday I was up early, I went for a walk along the canal for a few hours with the camera and really enjoyed the fresh air,the photos and seeing how different life is on the canal on a Saturday morning, SO much different to being in the city centre.  It was real ME time and I enjoyed it.

Afterwards I did some shopping then ended up in for the evening with friends andthe X Factor.  Whilst watching, chatting and drinking wine I also spent time being creative and making bracelets

On Sunday I spent the morning busy online then late morning and early afternoon busy cooking.  I made some beautiful carrot soup with roast peppers and onions, it was lovely.  I also busied myself making a roast dinner too.  All very nice even if I do say so myself.  In the afternoon I popped in to Manchester to collect another friend from the train station who was staying for a few days, strangely i managed to get lost near the train station.... I was avoiding parking charges by driving around the block but took a few wrong turnings.   It turned out OK in the end though.

On Monday T and I had to go to Liverpool and that turned out good too.  We also called in to lay flowers at the grave of another member of our Brain Tumour community.  It was sad. I felt Steve with us a lot on Monday, on the way to Liverpool the John Miles song, "Music was my first love" came on the radio.  It was a song played at Steves funeral.  On the way to the cemetary the Take That song "eight letters" came on the radio, the song mentions, eight letters, three words, one meaning..... Steve and I always used to say 831 and the response was always 8312.... think about it, eight letters, three words one meaning.... I LOVE YOU.  The first time I heard the song it took me by surprise and made me tearful, not so much now but it does make me mindful of him.  Our 831 came long before the Take That song.

On Tuesday I got up at a reasonable time and decided to fit the "shiny bits" I have bought for my car.  Stainless steel grilles for the lower openings in the front bumper, a stainless steel 'rotary accent' for the front of the car, chromed side vents, fender strakes and colour coded repeater lights for the side of the car.  Quite a list really.

It meant I had to remove the front bumper of the car, lots of nuts and bolts etc.  Ihere was much concern from my facebook family. A gay doing mechanical type stuff.  A drag queen getting their hands dirty?  Yep, I really didn't conform to type.

The bumper had to be removed along with fog lights etc

there were quite a few bits to add and remove and lots of screws to remember the location of

but with grilles, and accent added I replaced the bumper

and added chrome vents and coded fender strakes to the wing.

I guess now I should "fess up" that I am actually a time served mechanical engineer.  A four year apprenticeship with the ministry of defence and time spent "in industry" come in handy occasionally.  Not the sort of background you expect for a gay and certainly not for a drag queen.

So, if we add in the other things I have worked on this week..... last night I decided to "trim" the heart decorations I have ready for my christmas tree this year.  You will recall I have stuck toa hearts theme but am adding in some tartan.  this was last nights activity.  I've done about 3 dozen so far and have almost as many more to do.

I am enjoying being creative, both for my own Christmas and for others.  Last year Steve and I decided to make some handmade christmas gifts, some were lucky enough to get them.  Early this year Steve decided he wanted to make gifts again this year, not all gifts but just some and really so that the gifts were truly personal, created and given with that specific person in mind.  I am of course planning on fulfilling his wishes but, with just me on the production line the pressure is on to meet the deadline.  Pah, sleep is for losers anyway!

On top of all that some of you may recall Steve and I visited some friends in Norfolk in February this year.  Whilst there Steve bought some wool he liked.  He had seen some sweaters he liked and, instead of him buying one, his Mum said she'd like to knit one for him, he just needed to provided the wool and pattern.  It's surprising how costly it is to go retro and home made but he liked the idea of having something unique.

Long story short, as you guessed, he didn't get his sweater, (who needs a sweater in the summer?  Remember he passed in June).  Now I am on a mission to make sure the wool he chose is being put to good use.  With my plan to fulfil his dream and go and live aboard a narrowboat I anticipate the evenings can or will be chilly.  The wool will be used to knit a throw for the sofa or bed when I am on the boat.  There's no better time to start than the present so, afteran hour of knitting, tonight I can say I have made a start.

So, if I re-cap on the "crafty projects" I have ongoing at the moment I have, sewing, knitting, jewellery making, photography, customising chrimbo decs, re-upholstering chairs, upcycling my favourite items of Steve's clothing, website creation & development and "pimping my ride" to name but a few which add on to the usual things we do such as working, cooking, eating, shopping, socialising, reading, relaxing oh and occasionally sleeping and visiting family and friends. 

I don't like to think of myself as a "jack of all trades" as I don't like the second line of that saying but I do like to think of myself as living life to the fullest because I really think I would struggle to fit much more in to my life.  I hope Steve is pleased, he inspires me to continue despite any other issues I may have to deal with emotianally, physically or mentally. I now feel I have two lives to live.  His and mine.  I miss him dearly but thinking of him and having those little reminders of him at the most unexpected times really do lift my spirits and make me smile.

Thanks you Steve and thanks to you too for reading xxx

Mark xxx

Breast and testicles are all over the place

It made me smile, it was a comment in Steve's post on this day last year, click here but he is right and nothing has changed.  The figure equates to less than 1%, if you want more info drop me a line or contact  BT Buddies.

Last night as I said I went to bed early and as usual didn't sleep, I watched a film instead, P.S. I Love You which I had downloaded to my iPad.  Well, I managed to get to 13 minutes before the tears came.  they stayed till the end.  I almost flooded my bed!  I am not best placed to say whether it was a good, bad or indifferent film but it touched me.  that's all I will say.  If you have seen it you will understand,if not then reading the synopsis will probably explain. 

Odd as it may seem I felt better for having my meltdown.  I still miss Steve so much and sometimes I just want to be able to grieve for him not cover up my feelings to spare those of others. If one of my tears was enough to bring Steve back for just one second then I know last night alone would have seen him back for a hundred years or more. 

Today has been an OK day.  Work was brief this morning as I had a Doctors appointment.  Nothing too sinister, (for now) just problems with my hands, a course of anti inflammatory though should help and if not I am to go back.  On the plus side it seemed to be nothing major which warrants further investigation or tests... yet.

After that it was back to work.  Another tough day, it's difficult to stay upbeat about it.  I got a lot done though and managed to clear a lot of mail from my inbox so I was pleased with that as I am out of the office after tomorrow until Thursday next week.

Tonight I logged on to the PC as soon as I got in, I had a few things to sort but before I knew it I had a few phone calls with friends catching up, emails, text and facebook messages.  All good stuff.  I have a few calls to return though, messages on my phone from a few days ago have not been returned yet, I know I am failing miserably in the "keep in touch" department but I don't seem to have a minute lately but tonight, although busy, has been good and I have enjoyed it.  I realise soon I need to start making a move to get out more and socialise. Soon though, not now.

Watching that film last night has reminded me of the need to get out and see people or just have people around.  I do want that but sometimes I am just not very good company.   I saw this a few days ago and I think it's spot on...

I have no idea why it is on it's side, I have amended it to be the right way up but it clearly didn't work so it's tilt your head time... sorry.

Another I saw which I also thought was spot on is this:

Again, it struck a chord with me.  On a closing note though all I have to say is thanks again to all my friends for being there, your texts, messages, emails and cards etc which are still arriving are very much appreciated and if you are waiting a call or a visit from me please keep being as patient as you have, I have not forgot but I there is only one of me now to do all the keeping in touch we both used to do.  I have not forgotten you and I know you're all out there.

xxx Love to you all xxx

M x

Love to you all





The benefit of hindsight....

It's great isn't it? Unlike this blogging site as I have written this post once and it's disappeared into the ether without trace.... Doh!

Anyway, on reading Steves blog from this day last year, <a href="http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/11/holiday.html">click here</a> I wondered what Steve would do?

This day last year we took our friends to the airport to set off for their holiday in India for 2 weeks. Steve and I were supposed to go on the same flight but we were going for 3 weeks and had worked long hours and had looked forward to three weeks of rest and relaxation. The choice was simple, go on holiday and not receive the necessary treatment or stay, continue with chemo and radiotherapy and hope for the best.

We stayed. I don't regret that but as I said, I wonder what Steve's view would be? Especially since just over 7 months later he died anyway.

Looking at this week last year in the blog has been interesting for me. Happy memories of a Jamaican feast with friends and of the photo shoot Steve wanted to have before he started to 'look' I'll. We had pics done with both sets of parents and together. They are now some of the most cherished pictures I have. After the shoot we took our parents for a nice meal. Steve was brilliant that night, he tired but still stayed smiley as he wanted the olds to have a nice time.

A friend pointed something out to me recently on seeing a picture of Steve and I at my Sisters wedding and a picture of us from the photo shoot. The comment basically reflected that in the wedding pic of a few years ago there is visible and genuine happiness in our faces but the pics from last October whilst smiley do not show happiness. I understand. The October pics show love and compassion but are still of their time and I can see the hidden emotions too.

That's it now though, the melancholy has hit so it is time for bed. I know it is early but I need some me time, I haven't had much lately, in fact none. It's been a tough few days, work is pulling me down too. That and a suicidal "friend" expecting sympathy as they've taken an overdose and is in hospital. Steve didn't get a choice on living or dying and I would have given anything for him to be here, absolutely anything. It pisses me off to hear of someone wanting to throw their life away. I know there are issues but right now I can't help with them, not whilst I am dealing with my own grief. I doubt I will hear from the "friend" again as I shared that opinion in response to the message I had telling me about being in hospital.

I'm off to bed, goodnight xxxx M xxxx

Sent from my iPad

Second Attempt...

Here goes with another attempt at trying to update my blog from last week, after my short blog last night I am sure you can see my frustration with technology.



Anyway, after I wrote my blog on our anniversary I went to bed, there I cried myself to sleep, I seemed to be crying for hours. I felt alone and lonely, sad the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with has gone. When we said “till death us do part” I had never realised it would come so soon after.


Saturday 15th was pretty uneventful. On Sunday 16th I was supposed to be going out with a friend, a little like the Three Kings he travelled from afar but not with Gold Frankincense and Myrrh but with White wine, Red wine and Mirth. Also, more like a Queen than a King but you get my drift. We were supposed to go and see another friend’s drag show early evening. I was fine in the morning and early afternoon but then it descended on me, like a cloud of gloom, a melancholy mood which I couldn’t shrug so, not wanting to spoil other peoples fun I decided not to go and to go for a drive instead. If I am honest the drive didn’t help but it meant I was alone and not upsetting anyone else with my miserable mug.


Monday was pretty uneventful from what I remember, just work and home as usual but, on Tuesday J arrived, I cooked and we ended up sat till the wee small hours over a few bottles of wine chatting about all sorts, mainly Steve I guess but, my friend doesn’t seem to mind, he understands as he too has lost a loved one tragically way too soon.


On Wednesday it was work as usual during the day but in the evening we hit the town, well, sort of. I got home from work, freshened up and changed as did J, we then headed in to Manchester for dinner before heading off to see Peter Kay and his Tour That Didn’t Tour Show, it was fab, a real laugh and a much needed tonic. Another friend had been bought tickets and was unable to go so they kindly asked if I’d like to go, I said yes and then decided to ask my friend to come too. It was a real giggle. If I am honest I sometimes don’t get the Peter Kay brand of humour which seems to be shout louder and repeat several times but, on Wednesday I did, he was VERY funny and we both enjoyed a good old laugh. I would like to say my laughter wasn’t tempered by thoughts of Steve but it was, I missed him a lot and we spoke of him too during the interval, Steve would however have been pleased to see us out and about. It was an unexpected but very much appreciated night out and as I have already said, a real tonic.


On Thursday we had a viewing on the house so I had to come home from work early to do the show around, she seemed interested but we have heard nothing yet so will take that she has seen somewhere else preferable. Thursday and Friday were quiet apart from that. On Friday I met with a Friend and we headed out for some retail therapy and a chat, it was nice to have a wander about. On Saturday it was much the same, I met with an old friend, we spent the whole day shopping and chatting, our coffee breaks seemed to go on forever as we sat and chatted. Even though we have not seen each other for a long while it was like we saw each other last week, we had a lovely time and again, it was a real tonic to catch up with her.


Last week I also booked tickets to go on the train to see my Sister, her hubby and some friends in November. The train journey is 5 hours but the drive would be the same, the train is cheaper though and it means I can relax on the journey and arrive fresher than if I had driven. It will be nice to see my sister again as I have not seen here since Steve’s funeral, similarly the friends I will see there too, I’ve not seen them since Steve’s funeral. I am really looking forward to it and, I will be stashing a bottle of Gin in my suitcase when I go as I think a few bevies are in order. I didn’t get to see much of them around the time of the funeral so now, five months on, I think it is about time we raised a glass or several to Stephen, to friends and to the future and whatever it may hold.


Sunday was a good day, I spent it being creative and crafty, it was nice to have some me time which was also creative time.


Yesterday was work as usual and Today I left work and headed in to town to the shops, there was something I wanted but alas, the shop is no longer stocking the item, perhaps I will revert to Amazon. Oh, that’s the other thing too, lots of people have already asked me what I want for Christmas. I can’t comment on their planning as I am also well prepared for Christmas. Instead of saying “I don’t know” I have tried to start a “Wish List” on Amazon, just search my name on Amazon and it should be there somewhere, I don’t quite know how it works but I am told it does. As my birthday comes before xmas though I have already said I want to be boring and have cash for that as there is a modification I want done to the car which the money will come in very useful for and it will be the “finishing touch” to the changes I have made so far.


Well, I think I have covered everything now, before I go though I do just want to say a huge thank you to all my friends and family for all their support. Some of you have been supportive without knowing it and others by not doing much other than just being there of making their presence felt. I really do appreciate and thank all our friends, I’d like to think they know who they are.


Friends are like stars.....

You don’t have to see them to know they are there.



Love to you all,

M x

Bugger!

Doh!  I had been writing my blog to catch up but, received a "whats app" message from a friend in hospital so have prioritised that and have managed to lose my message... Grr!  that will teach me for leaving it so long and trying to update many days at once.  You know who you are friend.... and I know you read too so it's your fault there is not a lot to read... sort of.

Well I am going to sign off for tonight and will try again tomorrow, I hope my friend is better (ie out of hospital) soon.

xXx M xXx

Second blog of the day. Happy Anniversary ? ? ?

Yes, this is a second blog because to add it on to my previous one just would not do it justice.

You may have guessed from the title today is anniversary.  Not a happy anniversary but memories of happier times with the one person I have loved more than anything or anyone else in the world.

I hope wherever you are Stephen that you are at peace, free from pain and worry and illness.  I love you more and more with each passing hour, the pain cuts deeper and my heart feels heavier with each passing day.  You were the best thing that ever happened to me, you made every day with you a happy one, even when we disagreed you still managed to make me smile and I have never been able to be annoyed at you for long, your smile, your cheeky look, your sparkly eyes and your tender touch could make any troubles disappear, I wish you were here to do that now.

On this day in 2006 we became one, joined in the eyes of the law, of our family and of our friends.  You said it was the happiest day of your life, a life cut short but a life which touched so many.  I've lit some candles for you and us tonight.  Not a romantic night in but I know you loved our candlelit nights in.

You've not been far from my thoughts since you passed, this week has been tough and today especially so. I keep smiling though, I don't want to but I know many find my feelings, thoughts and emotions too much to deal with, for them I smile, I spare them the discomfort and hide it from the world, not just today but every day for many weeks now.

It has been nice to come home today, back to our home.  I know we had planned to go away this weekend, just escape, the two of us, similar to how we did last year.  I remember this weekend last year, getting away to the countryside, no phone signal, an open log fire and plenty of time to talk.  Those are happy memories, not a great time because we already had a hint of what may be, but, you smiled and stayed positive and never gave up.  You loved the simple things, a walk in the bracing winds, dodging the puddles or wiping the rain from your glasses, the weather never dampened your spirits or your zest for life and I try to keep that in mind to stay happy for you.

I saw this pebble a while ago, thought of you and bought it but it has heightened meaning and sentiment today.  I have also been very thoughtful this week about hope.  you never gave up hope, it stayed with you and with us to the very end.  I am learning to hope again.  Hoping for a brighter future, hoping I can learn to live with this pain and hoping that wherever you are you are safe and at peace.
I have noticed this week that Hope is your legacy to me, it is the one thing you have shown me and taught me which will always be with me, no matter how little money I have, how dark the days are or how long the nights are, it will always be there.  I saw this "token" on my first day in Cardiff and bought it,  I am seeing the hope around me.  Hopes for life, for a future and for a new beginning and for that I thank you.

I have re read you blog (click here) tonight from this day last year.  I was so proud of you then and still am.  The sign is still in the house in the same place you decided to put it where it would cheer you up every morning and give you a spark to light the fire that kept you driving forward.  I know I will "get there" eventually, in the meantime though I am continuing your blog. You are still an inspiration to many and even within the last few weeks I have had feedback from people who have found your journey an inspiration and comfort to them, in particular your approach to your treatment. 

Once again Happy Anniversary Stephen, thank you for the good times, you will be in my heart forever.

Till we meet again, 831 Pud xxx (Click here)

First blog of the day, another coming later

I thought it best to update on the week before I move on to today. My motivation will become clear once the second post is uploaded later.

After a few drinks on Tuesday night I decided on Wednesday to go for a wander to Cardiff Bay and take the camera as there's some interesting sights there. I set off relatively early and caught the train to the bay. I wandered around for a while with the camer, time seemed to whizz past. At lunchtime I decided to call in to a pub I used to go to years ago when I worked in Cardiff Bay, The Eli Jenkins. Well what a mistake that was. In the 10 minutes I was there I was ignored by BOTH the bar staff but the final straw was a comment directed at me, (as I had been viewing the menu and was waiting to buy a drink and order food), where the barmaid shouted across the bar to her colleague "well I ain't doing food till twelve!", I looked at my watch, it was 11.59. The pub had been open from 10.00am so it's not like I was the only person in there as a few groups were already sat at tables chatting etc. Needless to say I turned and left. I also submitted a complaint online to the brewery later the same day, atrocious service and appalling attitude would be my complaint in summary.

Later the gays collected me and we drove up to the Pumping Station, an antiques centre with all sorts of curiosities. Steve loved it there too because it was so random. After that we hades out the the coast, a trip to Porthcawl. It was shut. Was looked around the town centre and the most interesting thing has to have been the street art, it was grey and damp.

After that we returned to Cardiff and to the hotel. I ended up opting out of dinner in the evening as my feet were sore from walking so much and my shoes had rubbed my feet too. I popped out to a takeaway for food and also to the off licence for a bottle of wine and then headed back to the hotel. It was nice to chill. Later though the gays arrived back with two more bottles of wine and chocolate. We sat and chatted for a while, they were quite merry and ended up with hangovers on Thursday morning.

Thursday I got up and headed out to the park. I walked for hours around the park, stopping briefly to take pictures of squirrels, it was interesting seeing them playing and chasing each other. They were not tame enough to come very close but they didn't run and hide.Time flew past and before I knew it it was 3pm so I headed back to the hotel to drop off my camera then headed out for food.  I bumped in to the gays who had also had a relaxing day doing very little.  We agreed to meet later for a beer so, by 5pm we were sat comfortably on the roof terrace of one of Cardiff's gay bars, it was happy hour, it was happy hour until 9pm so we stayed there to make the most of the happiness. From there we called in to Dorothy's chippy, (Steve and I visited Dorothy's once every time we came to Wales).  From there we went on to another of Cardiff's gay bars and had a few more drinks before heading back to the hotel just after midnight.  The gays needed their beauty sleep and had to get up early this morning to go and queue for their new iPhone 4S.  After bagging their phones they joined me for breakfast and now we're zooming back up the motorway to home.  I think they are both excited about getting their new phones set up. Well I will write another blog later today Xxx Mark xxX

The expedition continues

Here I am again with another early blog. Yep, I got up early this morning and trundled off to the train station. I decided to make a trip on the train back to where I used to live. It was an odd feeling.

That's not bad considering I was up until late last night. I left the restaurant after dinner, (I opted for Italian in the end) and headed off to the oldest gay bar in Cardiff, The Golden Cross. I wouldn't have usually but I wasn't ready for bed so a few vodkas and then I set off for the hotel and bed.

This morning I got off the train at Hengoed and then walked down to Ystrad Mynach where I stopped for breakfast and a coffee. From there I got back on the train to Caerphilly.

There I decided to get some flowers and visit my grandparents. My grandfather died in 1986 and my grandmother in 1993 so there wasn't a lot of conversation but I felt I needed to go.

It was tough being there but, crying at the graveside for relatives that died 18 and 25 years ago was therapeutic I think. I certainly do feel better for it and I suppose I am hoping they are looking after Steve for me and the flowers are a small thank you. It would also have been my Grandmothers 78th birthday on Friday, the same day as Steve and I would have celebrated being married for 5 years. Isn't it funny how life gets in the way of plans.

From there u wandered around Caerphilly, hoping for a break in the weather so I could get the camera out. It didn't come. I headed back to Cardiff.

It was still raining so I went to the museum, I can't remember the last time I went but it was interesting.

After that I headed back to the hotel for a rest but after a short nap and a brew I went for a walk around the castle park. It was lovely and nice to see the autumnal colours, I love the reds, oranges and browns of the leaves at this time of year. I took a few pictures and will add them here when I get home as iProducts don't support photo uploads to blogger.

Tonight I have been to the bay for dinner with the gays, we had a wander round and are now visiting drinking establishments frequented by homosexual brethren, till tomorrow xxx M xxx

Sent from my iPhone

Difficult

That's what I have decided it is. There are so many on offer, some warm and friendly some not so. Some over grand and some so plain you'd feel like just the next on a long conveyor belt. Then there is the choice as to which nationality you go for. English seems unimaginative, Italian too predictable, Indian or Chinese perhaps not socially acceptable and then there are so many other Europeans on offer too. What am I talking about? Restaurants of course and, over and above that, dining alone. Tonight I have found myself walking around looking for the place that was just busy enough. I don't want empty, I simply do not need the attention but, the same can be said for a busy place, I don't want to be the only single diner in the place, an obvious "Single" I just wanted somewhere with people around where I could sit. I have my iPad and my blog for company so yes, that's why you are getting two updates in one day. I know I am not the first person to dine alone and won't be the last but it is the first time I have been conscious of having to dine alone. Conscious of being a widower and conscious of how much my life has had to change. No matter how much people say, "Stephen is always with you" I still do not have anyone to talk to across this dining table tonight. I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, I might get up early and go out with the camera. Who knows? After my 'wobble' earlier today I have felt more than a little thoughtful. When I got back to the hotel earlier I slept for a while hoping this cloud of grief would lift. It hasn't. hopefully the wine will help. Until next time, M x

Cardiff, some old some new

Well, here I am sat in a bar in Cardiff, it's been a little bit of a surprise to say the least as Cardiff has changed so much since I was here last in 2009. We stopped off in Caerphilly yesterday on our way, it was mainly closed but it still seems odd to be somewhere which is so familiar but still so strange to me. After that my memory was well and truly tested as we tried to find an old favourite pub hidden well within the country lanes atop Caerphilly mountain. We found it in the end and had a lovely meal. The pub is a favourite as it is warm and cosy and has real open fires. Steve loved it there too when we visited last. When we got to Cardiff it was difficult to navigate around the roads as a few streets have been blocked or pedestrianised and others have become one way streets etc but we finally managed to park and check in. We trundled off to the local gay scene early evening. Again there were changes as some bars have shut, others opened but again, all seemed familiar yet not so. It was also odd hearing the accent, I struggled to understand a few people too which was odd. We were pleasantly surprised at how cheap some of the beer was though, just £1.50 for a vodka & coke too so we could have got wasted..... But didn't! We were greeted by some real hospitality just after we checked in the the hotel. We took the life to our floor and shared it with two women, both mid 30's I'd say but there was them and us 3 guys in the lift. Within the space of a minute or two, (however long it takes to travel a few floors), we had been offered sex! They were not "working girls" but were certainly high spirited. I of course declined, I think the others may have too but, I think one of them was secretly chuffed at being mistaken for a straight guy! It certainly made us smile. Today I have spent a lot of the morning browsing the shops and the Victorian Arcades which Cardiff is so famous for. Again some familiar some not so. I have just stopped for lunch and to sort something for 'T' and also to collect my thoughts. Just a few hours ago I was consumed by an overwhelming feeling of grief. I struggled to hold back the tears, not a great look when out shopping. I was looking at Christmas decorations, I have been for a few weeks now and have been fine but today the grief got me. I have decided this year the tree will be decorated with hearts and tartan. Hearts to represent love for Steve and tartan just because we both loved it, loved Scotland and it is traditional and cheery. There will be no star or angel on top, my star and angel is somewhere around me. Signing off for now xxx M xxx

A half week update

You seem to be getting updates every few days now.  I will eventually get back in to the swing of it I guess.  Lets start with Thursday. Firstly the same day last year had been Steves first visit to Christies hospital. Here is his blog, click here I remember the visit and I remember how nervous he was, I was too but I kept him calm.  The hospital is quite pleasant really, not like a general hospital, it felt more friendly.  Steve just accepted everything that was told to him but, on this visit we were also asked about "harvesting sperm" just in case Steve wanted children after his treatment.   We explained that gays have still not evolved into child bearing creatures, the nurse giggled and, although we understood she was asking a serious question we politely told her that children had never been a consideration for us.   Anyway, this Thursday as I said I went to see Top Hat with my Mum.  It was a good show.  Not the same as a musical but really good and Tom Chambers who was in Come Dancing played the male lead.  Top Hat was filmed in 1935 and starred Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, a classic black and White film.  Apart from anything else it was nice to go out with my Mum. Friday was an ok sort of day.  Work was  busy and stressful, I am conscious that my attention span is still less than it used to be and constant distractions from people in the office and others coming in and out of the office only distract me more so all in all it is annoying me.  I guess I will get back to how I was eventually. On the same day last year Steve had been to have the first part of his mask made for his radiotherapy treatment.  He was nervous about it as he was a little claustrophobic but I was there with him in the room which made him feel more relaxed and afterwards he said it hadn't been anywhere near as bad as he feared it might have been, see what he said click here http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/another-day-over.html Friday evening I popped to the shops, I needed to collect a gift I had order for my Sister for Christmas but when I got there it had not arrived.  I called the order line to check on dispatch date and was told it had been delivered and signed for at my home address!  There was me collecting from store and they had sent it to home.  It was there when I got in.  There's not a lot of stuff to buy now for Xmas which is good.  I might start wrapping soon... Woo! I spent Friday evening curled up on the sofa with a bottle of wine.  It was nice to chill but of course it's then that I miss having Steve around to snuggle up to. Saturday was a busy day.  I got up and relaxed for a bit then went to do my ironing ready for my next gay road trip.  As I'm travelling with friends and they have quite a small car I needed to pack smart and take as little as possible.  I think I managed ok. In the afternoon I got showered and then went out to see another friend I have not seen for some time.  It was good to catch up.  He's due to move soon so he took me to see the new place too.  It looks nice, it's a 1 bed flat but is a really good size and looks like it's in a nice quiet area.  I'll see him again when I get back. On this day last year Steve had been to Christies for an MRI scan.  I had a meeting I couldn't get out of with a friend about a bid she was submitting.  I met Steve later in the day, I remember the feeling of relief seeing him after he had been out alone for the day.  I would never have worried before but he had never had Cancer before.  Here's his blog http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/today-has-been-good-day.html It was tough for me to adjust to the realisation I couldn't wrap Steve in cotton wool and protect him.  I am not sure he ever realised how tough it was to do but I did it.  I hope he didn't notice how much i worried, if he did though he didn't let on.  I vehemently defended his independence when others told him he can't or shouldn't and I know he did appreciate that.  He wanted to live his life as normal as possible, that was truly inspirational to me and many others. Last night, after visiting my friend I popped to the supermarket and picked up a few bits before heading home.  I made a delicious meal and supped a bottle of wine watching X  Factor and meddling with my iPad.  I trundled off to bed at a reasonable time, well, just before 1am.   This morning I got up, packed my bag, bundled my eBay stuff ready to go tomorrow, got ready, had breakfast and waited to be collected.  We set off around 10.30 for our big gay road trip to Wales. Steve and I booked this trip in February for us and two friends.  It was a gift for them for birthday and wedding anniversary, we are staying in the centre of Cardiff for 5 nights and head home on Friday 14th.  For Steve and I it was a chance to be tourists as well as for me to meet up with some old friends. The reason we wanted to head home on 14th was because it is our wedding anniversary.  This year would have been our 5th.  We were planning on booking in to a hotel nearer to home for 14th and 15th so we had some time out alone.... Instead I will just be alone. This is the last trip I need to make that Steve and I had planned together.  The only other things I still have left to do that were planned with Steve is wrap and deliver the Christmas presents we had already bought.  Steve never stopped looking forward and planning for our future, he and we lived every minute of his last nine months from diagnosis to death to the best we could. I have read Steve's blog again this morning from this day last year, t seems we had a lie in last year, not this year though, here's what he had to say about this day last year, http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/sleeping-in.html Right now I'm sat in the car typing this.  I like not driving, it means I can make more use of my travel time!  Hope to catch you soon, Mark x

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, Cry and you get wet...

Firstly here is Steve's blog entry for this day lats year, (Click Here) Sorry if you don't want to see what he wrote last year but right now there are a lot of anniversaries and I think seeing how Steve was 12 months ago really puts things into context.  Remember he was the one living with a death sentence, not me but, despite that he has given me (and may readers of his blog who messaged privately), inspiration and strength to carry on.

I am still reminded every day about the positive impact Steve has had on my life, I love him so much for that.  He has shown me happiness I never imagined but he has also introduced me to friends I may never have known, to their love which I may never have felt and has helped me realise my own strength of character which I never knew existed.

Today has been an OK sort of day.  I don't mention work much not because it is good, bad or indifferent but because they monitor and read my posts.  I know how I feel about that and I am sure each person reading will have views too but this blog is not about them or where I work etc it is about me, for once it is all about me.  Well, not really, Steve features greatly too.

On a personal note I have had a reasonable few days.  I have made contact with some old friends, made some new ones and generally I feel I am slowly re-constructing a life around myself.  I don't think a lottery win would make it happen sooner but the £100M Euromillions jackpot on Friday would be fab, there are so many charities I would help, I reckon I could "lose" half at least and not miss it.

Tomorrow night I may not get to blog, I am off to the theatre with Mother to see "Top Hat".  I saw it advertised some time ago, I mentioned it to a friend and we said it would be nice to go but never got around to booking.  Mother mentioned it last week so I managed to get tickets earlier this week.  Feathers, Sequins, Tailcoats and Top Hats  reminds me of Steve and I or, should I say, Enid and Bobbie....

Looking at this picture though has reminded me of another "Tailcoat and Top Hat" picture...

There aren't any better ones of the two of us in this garb but again seeing the corset reminded me of another occasion we wore the corsets

This was MANY years ago for a friend's 40th Birthday, the birthday "boy" is in the middle

There are SO many happy memories crammed in to the relatively short time we were together and each and every one makes me smile.  Today, or rather, this evening, has made me smile a lot.  Chatting to a friend this evening too has made me smile.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  Steve is showing me the way, guiding me toward happier times. Thank you Steve, Thank you family, Thank you friends.

Goodnight for now xxxx Mark xxxx

The first day of the rest of his life...

Thats what this day last year was for Steve, he was determined to live his life to the fullest and that commenced on October 4th.  It was a good day for him, read his blog, (Click here)

The story that fits around this though highlights how happy he actually was on that day.  For as long as I had known Steve he had never been able to find his birth certificate.  He knew it was safe somewhere but he had no idea where, even though he had searched for it many times.

When I returned from work on 4th October 2010 Steve was VERY excited.  "I've had a sign" he said.  I had no idea what he was on about but he explained.

Whilst sorting through some papers, getting rid of the old stuff and making way for his new life he found his Birth Certificate.  It had been missing for years and there it was, amongst some old papers.  He waved his certicficate at me and was SO pleased.  It really was the first day of the rest of his life. 

He died just 9 months later.  Someone pointed out to me around the time of the funeral that it takes 9 months for a child to be born from conception, (I did go to biology lessons but some people like to remind us of the obvious), perhaps the nine months from finding his certificate was significant of a new start and a new life in a better place.  Who knows?

I know I am still missing him a huge amount, I manage to smile and function as a member of society and as a member of the workplace, functioning as a son, a brother, a friend and a colleague but, it is just that, functioning.  I'm getting used to it though.  I accept my life may never feel "whole" again.

I chatted tonight with a friend about someone we care about.  In a similar situation to me but being judged for grasping at happiness and dating.  It wasn't planned but, being judged for being human and acknowledging feelings  is wrong.  I might be in a similar position one day.  I am not looking for anyone else but I also know fate will deliver whatever it has planned for me.  I just hope in the meantime that Steve can influence the "chosen one".  Either way I am sure there will be plenty said behind my back and less said to my face.  Lets just see what happens eh.....

Goodnight for now xxx

Getting organised and trying to smile

I guess I should update on last week firstly. On Thursday as you know if you read regularly it was 12 months to the day since Steve was given his diagnosis. It was a tough day but I was kept busy so it sort of distracted me. Work was very busy and at night I went to the comedy night I mentioned some weeks ago in my blog.


It’s an annual event and Steve and I had tickets for last year, Steve didn’t go in the end as the event was the night after his surgery but he had insisted I go. It was a good night both last year and this. This year I did end up spending part of it with tears rolling down my face, just little things which reminded me of Steve again. I guess there will be more things like that to trigger me off for a long time to come.

Friday was an OK day. Work wasn’t great but, in part, it is because I am really not “with it”, my mind is obviously on other things. After work I went home but then decided to go out to the shops as I needed to get a few things. I got home around 7ish and spent most of the evening sitting and talking to my parents. I was too tired to blog and again, not really with it. I didn’t even put my computer on.

On Saturday I got up and decided to clean the car. I spent a while polishing it and then vacuumed it and made a few adjustments by changing the interior bulbs from the standard white to blue. That in itself sounds like an easy job but it was fiddly and involved me spending quite some time trying to resolve an issue and resulted in me having to take the door apart and take the inner panel off but, I was satisfied with the end result so that’s OK.

In the afternoon a friend called around so, after I had a shower we headed out to Botany Bay, a local place which is a garden centre but also has some artisan stalls, gifts and accessories etc. I bought a few Christmas decorations, I know it is early but I am being organised. I’m not going mad with decs this year but I have to still “do” Christmas as Steve would have wanted it, he loved the way I do Christmas and I loved seeing him so excited.

Saturday night I ended up getting some food and wine and taking that round to a friends house. We sat and chatted for ages and allegedly supped 4 bottles of wine. I didn’t see the empties so because I am not a boozer I would insist we only shared 1 bottle…. I wonder how many people would believe me?

On Sunday I was late getting up. No hangover I was just tired as I got home after 2am and then had to make the bed as I had stripped it on Saturday morning so I was late getting to sleep.

I chilled at home yesterday morning and then headed out to the shops later in the afternoon. I did a little Christmas shopping, it was quite nice really to be out and about and I only ended up getting a few Christmas things as I don’t need anything for myself. I even bought a prezzie for a friends birthday later this year, I’ve just realised too my Sister’s birthday is before that so I should look for something for her too, another excuse to go shopping.

Last night I sat and looked through the things I have bought already, a lot of things that I bought with Steve too as he also liked to be organised. I just hope people like them. We try hard to get thoughtful gifts but sometimes I wonder if it would just be more appreciated if we bought the same old thoughtless tat that seems to fill the shops at Christmas.

Today I have been at work. It’s been a tough day really but I have managed to stay focussed. This time last year we were living with the aftermath of telling Steve’s parents and our wider circle of friends about Steve’s diagnosis. Steve’s blog entry for last year said “Today has become my hat day”. Because he knew he would lose his hair with Chemo and Radiotherapy he decided to buy hats as he would be bald in winter. Steve accumulated a few hats at this time but he mainly wore the same few.

He had planned that Monday 4th October would be the first day of the rest of his life, more about that tomorrow but for now I’m going to sign off.

Bye for now