I've avoided blogging properly for a short while, both reading and writing I suppose you could say I've needed some time out from reflective introspection. I purposely didn't write yesterday as it could have ended up an emotional one and I wasn't sure I was ready for that. A few weeks ago I was having a tough time of it all, that's an under statement really, I suppose it is down to the transition between one relationship and another or at least transitions through phases in relationships if that makes sense.
The first anniversary of Steve's passing and then reaching a few months later the six month anniversary of meeting Jonathan, (to save you the maths I met Jonathan 9 months after I lost Steve). Both are significant milestones. The one because it sort of cements the reality that Stephen isn't coming back and the other because it cements that my feelings for Jonathan are a lot more than a fling or passing fancy or pure lust, I actually feel like he is going to be here for a long time, hopefully a very long time.
As yesterday was the 6th anniversary of my marriage, (or civil partnership to give it it's correct term), to Stephen and it was the second anniversary without him, (he died on June 15th our anniversary is October 14th). Yesterday's milestone was easier to deal with than last year. Perhaps because it's the second anniversary I've spent as a widower or perhaps because I had Jonathan with me? I'm not entirely sure but I suspect it has less to do with Jonathan and more to do with it being another anniversary without Steve.
I received cards to remind me I was being thought of and phone and online messages of support too which were all welcome and appreciated. I bought some flowers for myself, some white lilies. They are my favourite flower and Steve liked them very much too. I just wanted to acknowledge that it was a day full of memories, many many happy memories though not remorseful melancholic memories but memories which brought smiles of a beautiful day, glorious weather, non stop champagne and sharing it with family and friends. They were all memories which made me smile.
I was also thoughtful as I looked toward the future. I thought about how it felt and how I felt being 'married' and wondered whether I'd end up married again? "Much Married Mark" pondering whether it will be third time lucky? Maybe, who knows? That's not a decision I can make on my own. The feelings I have for Jonathan are as strong as those I had for Steve, I can't say 'have' as the love I have for Stephen has changed. It is no less but it cant be the same because the relationship is not the same. It's almost like that love for Stephen has peaked and that's where it's 'parked' My feelings for Jon are as strong but the difference is he is physically here to reinforce and reciprocate that love too.
I could and would never compare Jon to Steve, it simply wouldn't be fair and they are very different people in very many ways but, unfortunately (or fortunately) I have had a lot of life experience. I've been in a relationship where I thought I loved the other person but after experiencing real love I know now, on reflection, that those feelings were feelings other than love. I thought I was happy and I probably was in my own way but, Stephen taught me what it's really like to be happy. Because of that experience I now recognise the feelings I have and I'm proud to say that Jonathan makes me as happy as I've ever been before.
I'm proud to refer to Jonathan as my partner and that is how I see him, an equal, my best friend and a jolly nice chap too. I'm proud of the way he has accepted me and the fact that Stephen will always be a part of my life and, as a result, part of his life too. He understands me and accepts me and I hope he feels I accept him and at least try to understand him too. There is so much more I could write but I think you get the picture.
Reading this back through I feel I was right not to blog yesterday, my thoughts seem clearer today and are not as emotionally charged as they may have been yesterday. I will get back in to blogging but it may take some time so just bear with me. In the meantime though if you'd like to keep up to date with me then follow me on twitter at @adifferentmark Jonathan is on twitter too @BellyflopTV he has his own Video production company as well as working for "proper telly" so if you're interested in his work you can visit www.bellyflop.tv or his youtube channel which has some more examples of his work at http://www.youtube.com/user/bellyfloptv or even "Like" his Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/Bellyfloptv#!/pages/Bellyfloptv/116071861762514
On a closing note I thought I'd share with you some pictures from Steve's and My wedding back in 2006. I found them interesting to look at as there are quite a few people who were in our lives then that are not in my life now. It's a shame but people change and friendships break down there are about 8-10 people in those pictures I no longer have any connection with and two have passed on, whoever would have guessed that one of the grooms would be one of those that would no longer be with us just 6 years later? Enjoy the pictures though.
xXx M xXx