Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Blue but optimistic

Well I'm back at work today, it's lunchtime and already I'm struggling.  I didn't really sleep well last night, in fact I haven't for a few days for various reasons.  I just feel quite blue today, I suppose we all get days like this.  I cant name one specific reason as I am not aware of one, I guess there is just a lot on my mind at the moment but, when I look at all the various elements I am aware of, none of them in isolation are a major issue.

I understand why I feel like this, I recognise that I sometimes see things as bigger issues than they are, then afterwards, when I reflect on things I see that I worried un-necessarily.  I'm not generally a needy person or at least I don't think I am.  I see myself as confident and outgoing and fairly optimistic too despite my life experiences but I also like to either be in control to be aware of all eventualities so I am prepared for what may come. 

The major downside to this is that emotions cannot always be controlled.  Least of all mine.  I like to think I am in control and I can disguise or hide some thoughts or worries or concerns.  I'm guessing the assumption many people will have is that this is all focussed around Stephen as it's coming up to 12 months since he passed away.  I'm not conscious that that's the case, maybe it is sub-consciously but I don't feel it is as Stephen is still spoken about regularly and I also chat to Jonathan about him too.

I am aware I have so many things to be cheerful about right now and Jonathan being part of my life is a major thing worthy of a smile but today I am finding smiling difficult.  I have been thinking and wondering too whether my time in Egypt has contributed to my mindset?  I didn't want to go from the outset and now I recall how sad I felt being away.  Maybe.

Before I went away I sorted a few things out at home with a view to coming back refreshed and bright and hopeful of a sunny future, almost like a new start or an opportunity to move forward in a continued positive frame of mind, (remember how sickeningly giddy and excitable I was?)  Anyway I still want that and I am still enjoying making those plans etc, I am sure this is a temporary blip.

I think tonight I will try and sort my computer out, it's been playing up, and that started the night before I went on holiday.  I am conscious there are a few things I need to do and the info is on my PC so I think I will feel better when at least some of the jobs on my "To Do" list have been done.  Perhaps a walk first though to clear my head before I start.  That's it.  That's my plan for this evening. I feel better now, almost like writing this has been some sort of self help therapy!

Till next time,  Mx 

Sent from my iPad

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