After Edinburgh I spent most of the week leading up to Christmas being extremely busy. I worked every day and then most nights ended up doing a little shopping for the festive feast.
On Friday I got home for 3ish and tidied up a little, all my shopping was done so on friday I started prepping for my day of cooking.
On Christmas eve I continued and cooked for most of the day, all in all I made:
* Carrot soup with roast pepper and onion
* Pate with cranberry, orange and whisky
* Cranberry orange and walnut stuffing
* Baileys cheesecake
* Christmas pudding ice cream
* Sausage rolls
* Mince pies
These were all of course part of the meal I made for 8 of us on Christmas day.
I spent a large part of the day alone, with christmas music on and crying continuously as I prepared and cooked and reminisced about Christmases past and thought about how much Steve would have loved to be in the kitchen with me . I suppose I did feel better for having my meltdown, the huge outpouring of grief I experienced was not then offloaded on to others. I know some find my grief unpalatable.
I cooked the 9 kilo turkey on christmas eve and after finally emptying the oven at 11.30 pm I decided not to cook any more and to make a start the following morning so got to bed just after midnight.
Before I went to bed I decided to light the chinese lantern I had prepared. I wrote a letter to Steve on it's fine rice paper shell and lit the fuel before watching the warm flickering, glowing lantern float gracefully skyward and in to the far distance. I watched for a long while as it faded in to the distance like a golden star, much different to the white ones which were residing in their usual location. I have another for New Years Eve and have shared some with family and friends too so they also can send messages to their loved ones. Although I know Steve will not get to read my message and cannot reply I found writing him a note and sending it in this way helped me feel more connected, at least for a short time.
Christmas Day. All in all the day was OK. It started slowly and peacefully at home with my parents, we were all mindful of Steve. We relaxed with a cup of tea before our guests arrived.
Steve's parents, Granny and two friends arrived around noon and we cracked open the wine. The lunch went without significant incident, everybody ate well, the conversation seemed to flow and all in all it was quite pleasant. There was obviously one exception, one glaring absence but, although we all felt it we didn't labor the point, perhaps for my peace of mind or perhaps to spare the discomfort of others. After dinner conversation flowed too but by 8 pm our guests had all left. I snuggled into my lounging clothes and watched TV.
On Boxing Day I was up early and cooking again, a Thai Red Curry and a Korma, an easy choice really as there were 9 of us for Dinner in the evening so it was a simpler choice. My Sister arrived with her husband and two more friends around 3pm, presents were exchanged, (they did an excellent job of choosing them) and the alcohol flowed again. It was lovely to catch up and sit, relax and chat.
I got to bed around 3am as after everyone went to bed I emptied and loaded the dishwasher again and tidied up a little. I got up before 8 the morning after though (yesterday) so last night I was in bed early, around midnight, and today has been a relaxing day. I've 'tidied' my computer up and spent time catching up with a few things online.
I have not decided what to do tomorrow. I will decide when I get up. It's odd, although I still think of Steve a lot I am finding my "level" I think so although the past few days have been tough I don't feel like my grief is out of control. I'm dreading new year but I am looking forward to January 1st, the significance of a new year and a new start.
I hope to write again before the end of 2011.
Love to you and yours,
Sent from my iPad