As usual I have not written as its not been a great time. Last weekend my Mum decided to decorate the house for Christmas. Usually I would love it and so would Steve, in fact after he was diagnosed last year we all offered to cancel Christmas for Steve as we understood he may not feel like it. He was horrified! He loved Christmas and loved Christmas here even more as it's always been great here.
The tree decorating usually takes a while and that's with Steve and I joining in. This year I went out, I didn't feel Christmassy at all. It took my mum from 9am through to around 7pm just to do the tree and the staircase. Usually I do the three fireplaces, I didn't this year.
Instead I went out and bought a small tree, I knew Steve would have been disappointed if I didn't do something and after all, I spent ages making Christmas decs.
I decorated it once everyone had gone to bed last Saturday. On Sunday Mum asked me to do the garlands over the fireplace as I always have. I declined, I really felt mean but I was just not feeling the Christmas love, (and am still not). I feel I have done well, buying the rest of the Christmas prezzies, wrapping them, buying, writing and sending cards and even putting a tree up so I don't feel guilty about not going that extra mile.
After Mum spent the day on Sunday finishing decorating and doing the garland over the main fireplace time was called on the other two so what's done is done and what's not is not.
I spent Sunday wrapping the last of the Christmas presents so everything is done apart from the festive food.
I guess in a way getting sorted last weekend has left this week open for me to do other things. I've caught up with friends and had a very busy week at work. Partly a conscious decision as this week was always going to be tough so, with enough distraction I have managed not to crumble today. Not yet anyway.
You see today marks six months since Stephen died. Not a great milestone but one which I dreaded. Six months is a long time and although time has gone quickly there are some things that surprise me.
It surprises me that it's six months since I saw Steve smile and held him in my arms, my memories are so clear and it seems so recent at the same time I feel like I have been carrying this weight of grief on my shoulders for much longer.
The months have gone so fast, it's been a blur but there are bits which I play over and over again in slow motion in my mind.
I don't really know how I feel right now, numb, detached and tense to name a few emotions but it's just dawned on me, I should have perhaps opened some wine, not to mourn his passing but to celebrate the life we shared. Maybe later and maybe something stronger.
For now I think that's all I can write, I'll light a candle for Steve again tonight and will cherish the memories I have of a lovely life shared but lost too soon.
Goodnight, xx Mark xx
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