The benefit of hindsight....

It's great isn't it? Unlike this blogging site as I have written this post once and it's disappeared into the ether without trace.... Doh!

Anyway, on reading Steves blog from this day last year, <a href="http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/11/holiday.html">click here</a> I wondered what Steve would do?

This day last year we took our friends to the airport to set off for their holiday in India for 2 weeks. Steve and I were supposed to go on the same flight but we were going for 3 weeks and had worked long hours and had looked forward to three weeks of rest and relaxation. The choice was simple, go on holiday and not receive the necessary treatment or stay, continue with chemo and radiotherapy and hope for the best.

We stayed. I don't regret that but as I said, I wonder what Steve's view would be? Especially since just over 7 months later he died anyway.

Looking at this week last year in the blog has been interesting for me. Happy memories of a Jamaican feast with friends and of the photo shoot Steve wanted to have before he started to 'look' I'll. We had pics done with both sets of parents and together. They are now some of the most cherished pictures I have. After the shoot we took our parents for a nice meal. Steve was brilliant that night, he tired but still stayed smiley as he wanted the olds to have a nice time.

A friend pointed something out to me recently on seeing a picture of Steve and I at my Sisters wedding and a picture of us from the photo shoot. The comment basically reflected that in the wedding pic of a few years ago there is visible and genuine happiness in our faces but the pics from last October whilst smiley do not show happiness. I understand. The October pics show love and compassion but are still of their time and I can see the hidden emotions too.

That's it now though, the melancholy has hit so it is time for bed. I know it is early but I need some me time, I haven't had much lately, in fact none. It's been a tough few days, work is pulling me down too. That and a suicidal "friend" expecting sympathy as they've taken an overdose and is in hospital. Steve didn't get a choice on living or dying and I would have given anything for him to be here, absolutely anything. It pisses me off to hear of someone wanting to throw their life away. I know there are issues but right now I can't help with them, not whilst I am dealing with my own grief. I doubt I will hear from the "friend" again as I shared that opinion in response to the message I had telling me about being in hospital.

I'm off to bed, goodnight xxxx M xxxx

Sent from my iPad