Saturday, 2 July 2011

Saturday thoughts...

Well, today has certainly been a different day for me, a different sort of weekend which I guess I need to get used to.  before that though I suppose I should cover yesterday.  again, no excuse just too tired to write a blog entry. 

Yesterday was a bit of a nonsense day really, I don't remember much about the earlier part, all the days seem to be the same right now.  I did spend a lot of it though on the phone, advising Steve's  business connections he has passed away and also interestingly the tax office, I waited in a queue for over 20 minutes and my call was dealt with in 2 minutes, they will "send a form", seems to be the usual response, a blanket "we will send a form".  I guess it is better than the numpty at RBS who said we would BOTH have to sign to have Steve's DD's cancelled!

Last night Nick and Geoff came around, it wasn't planned but they brought a Chinese meal as it seems they established via my text replies I had not had not eaten since lunch.  It was much appreciated, I had not thought about dinner and would probably have settled for a bowl of cereal so "meals on wheels" was good.

They must have left before10pm and then I just got on with writing some letters I had been meaning to do, I have more to do including one to a mate in Auz.  It is surprising how many people, no, not people, friends, who have stepped up to the mark throughout Steve's illness to be there for him and us.  Something we have both appreciated, (and something I continue to appreciate) Some have stepped away too though.  It hurt Steve to see people he thought of as friends avoiding him.  Yes we knew it was difficult to face but it was Steve with the illness and shit prognosis not them.  It hurt me too to see how it affected Steve especially in regard to those friends of mine I introduced Steve to who showed their colours as "fair weather friends".

Fortunately for me Steve got to say whatever he needed to say to them before he died, he didn't worry himself about them any further but there were a few he felt sorry for afterwards.  Feeling sorry for them through is not the same as regretting.  He felt very strongly he had made the right decision and, for the record, so do I.  It is just a shame he had that stress to deal with on top of everything else in those early days and if I knew then what I know now then I would never have introduced them but such is the gift of hindsight.  Steve has taught me to be a better judge of character.  Aside from all that we have met many more friends since Steve's journey began and it is nice because we have been able to spend time with people who appreciate us. 

Anyways, all that from being grateful for meals on wheels!  Later last night I put my wedding suit in the wash..... for those who don't know Steve and I wore Asian wedding suits for our marriage, a Shilwani, Steve wore his for his farewell performance as he had said it was the happiest day of his life.  I wore my jacket but with black trousers and shirt.  Mine got makeup and allsorts on it at the funeral, people crying on my shoulder etc..... remember I am the widower not them..... anyways, it went in the machine and I waited with baited breath to see if it would come out OK, if it would shrink, if the metal embroidery spoilt or if the marks actually came out.

I didn't go to bed until 2am, again I guess I was avoiding bed but I justified myself by busying myself with paperwork that needed doing.

Today has been another odd day.  I got up this morning and felt very "slow", I just struggled to get into gear.  I tidied up a bit, put the hoover over, cleaned the cooker and generally did a few chores.  Really, this was to distract me from it being a Saturday which I would normally spend doing something nice with Steve.

I also inspected my jacket which came out of the wash before bed.  It was fine no damage apart from a few missing crystals which can easily be replaced.  I tried it on and it had not shrunk either, I was VERY happy.  It will definitely be worn again for special occasions and every time i wear it I will of course remember the day we tied the knot.

This afternoon, (after getting lost en route), Steve's Mum came down.  We went to the shops to get some picture frames for pics of Steve I had printed, we went to return a shirt I bought and don't need and we also had a little look around form something suitable for Steve's ashes.  We didn't find anything for his ashes but we had a nice time out and about chatting, I explained to her how I am going to need her to help with Stephens legacy.  It's a big ask but I am sure she can do it, I wont push though and I know she needs time to get over this as do I but in time I am sure she will be a huge help.

When we got home my olds were home, they got back from Norfolk about 30 minutes before we got home.  they had a nice time.  it was nice to see them and they seem to be better for the break, I felt better for the break too so hopefully now we are all feeling a little more positive to move forward, flog the house and start our new lives.  A scary thought but equally exciting, I guess it just depends how you view it. A fresh start doesn't mean forgetting Steve, it means remembering him and taking all the good things he taught us and taking them to a new place. I am not sure how composting will be useful to me on a boat but positivity regardless of the outlook certainly will be.  There are big changes ahead, they were not scary with Steve so I wont let them be without him.

This evening has been pretty chilled, I made a risotto for dinner, I never realised how long it takes, usually I would be chatting to Steve so time just flew past but tonight seemed to take ages.  I guess I have to get used to it.

Well not a lot of other news really, Steve's fund is growing nicely we just need a few more to smash his target and help two charities and causes very close to Steve's heart and ours, please help if you can, payday has just been and £5 even £2 or £3 will make a huge difference, you cant buy him a birthday card or Christmas present so your help is VERY MUCH APPRECIATED, we would love you to help us exceed his dreams for those who have donated though, THANK YOU, from Me, Steve's Mum and Dad and all who will benefit from your kind donation.

Well finally, and importantly, I just want to mention a friend of ours, her Nephew is very poorly after an accident on Tuesday and is is intensive care, he is 13 years old, all my hopes and positive thoughts are with Helena and her family right now.  I really do know how it feels to see someone you love dearly fighting to get better, I hope with all my heart he gets better soon, sending HUGE hugs, hopes and love to H and her family xxx

Until tomorrow xxxx Mark xxxx

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