Isn't it funny how so many things bring memories flooding back to you. I was pondering an hour or so ago what to have for lunch, I thought I'd have a ham sandwich then realised I had a toasted ham sandwich for lunch yesterday so thinking what else I could do which would be quick and simple I thought "Ooooh Ham, Egg and Chips".
Funny but just after that I tried to recall when I last ate that, I thought initially it was as a child but then remembered Steve and I had both said the same thing when we had that for lunch a few months back.
If you've been reading a while you will know in January Steve and I went to Peckforton Castle for short break, it was a Christmas present and very nice it was too but, on the way to check in at http://www.peckfortoncastle.co.uk/ we passed a pub and decided to call in for lunch, one of these country pubs jam packed with people who have driven from all over to eat there because the food was so good.
We paid a daft amount of money for such a simple meal but we both REALLY enjoyed it, free range eggs, proper chips and locally sourced ham, ah, simple pleasures.
Eating my lunch has been very pleasant as I have been able to reminisce about that happy time.
When Steve got diagnosed we tried our best to do lots of nice things, see our friends, spend time with people we like and with each other as we knew those experiences are what memories are made of, as I said, even the little things like a simple lunch can bring so many warm and comforting memories.
I realise I have not done a blog yet for yesterday, no excuse I just didn't feel like and avoided the computer last night.
Yesterday after getting up I decided to deal with the eBay stuff, long story short there was an issue with one item which we had listed (I say we because I am not taking the blame), basically we listed something in error which had already sold. I wrote to the buyer and apologised etc and set the refund in motion but imagine my surprise to get several really horrible messages back, this is AFTER I had explained the situation and with Steve dying.... Anyway, he apologised later and the issue is now resolved but like I said the other day, life goes on. The missing item is not a big priority for me as I have bigger things on my mind but other people don't have the same perspective on life as me.
Yesterday afternoon Mel came over and we went for a walk on the canal, it was nice to get out. usually we chat for hours at home so it was nice to do that but out and about as we got to chat and spend time together but we both got out and about too, it was nice to be "normal" for a bit even though I guess Steve monopolised the conversation, still i am not making excuses or apologising for it, right now I don't seem to think about much else, I miss him more and more each passing hour.
It's the nights that are the worse bits, I was more or less OK all day yesterday but as it got to 10.30 ish I was feeling tired, a friend text to say goodnight and I thought yes, bed, I need to go..... I didn't, I played silly games on the phone until around midnight when I realised i wasn't interested in the game, I was avoiding bed.
I went to bed and then it hit me again, just as it seems to every night and every morning, not loneliness but just a sharp awareness of loss. For all the hugs my friends and family have given me the only one I want is Steve's and I will never ever feel that again. Most of my friends have someone there to hug when they get to bed, or when they wake up, I don't anymore. When I feel crap the one person I want to turn to is not there. The one person who would know and understand how I feel, is not there. The person who understands my sense of humour and sarcasm is not there.... he's just not there at all.
I feel him in my heart and yes, people say he is "with you" but lets face it, it's now a one way street with one way conversation and how can you hug a memory? I guess in reality the tough bits are always going to be there, being without Steve is not hurting less as the days roll on but I am getting used to the feelings I am left with.
People say time heals, I don't believe it, all time does is allows us to adjust to and accept these new feelings. to know that this pain is "normal" and will not go away. I WILL learn to accept it though, if I don't then I have let Cancer win and I am NOT letting it take my life too, I am going to live on for Steve to make sure his legacy lives on.
Funny isn't it how Ham Egg and Chips can bring all this on....