Monday, 4 July 2011

A Mixed Bag

Firstly you will have no doubt noticed the blog omission yesterday.  To be honest I thought about it a few times during the day but really didn't feel up to it.  It was a tough day yesterday.

I got up and went out and about, just a few shops I needed to visit, the same old thing Steve and I used to do really but yesterday I did it on my own.  I got upset en route from one place to another.  It felt like a normal Sunday out and about with Steve but when I looked over to the passenger seat Steve wasn't there.  It got to me..... it hurt a lot actually just seeing the empty seat next to me where Steve should be.

Later in the afternoon I had planned to walk along the canal with Dr Jon and Nick & Geoff but Jon had a migraine so wasn't able to come.  Usually I would have opted out too rather than go on my own, we're all heard the saying which ends, "three's a crowd...".  Well it was a nice walk.  A walk Steve and I have done before and the plan was when we got to the pub we'd have lunch and a beer and then walk back.

Being a sunny day the place was packed, family groups and couples and me.  It hit me like a punch in the face.  I just looked around and I suddenly became aware of being VERY single.  Not something i saw myself being and not something I wanted to be but there I was.  Even though I was there with friends I felt lonely, I cant explain it really and I don't understand it but my stomach was in knots and I just wanted to run away.  I didn't, I walked back as planned.

I said goodbye to Nick and Geoff and came home, they invited me in for a drink etc but I was aware I had become crap company just about the time I was reminded I was on my own.

I got home, read the local newspaper and went to my room, I just wanted to be on my own but when I sat on the bed I just fell asleep, I woke up around 9.30 and I could really have got undressed and stayed there but I got up.

I don't really remember how I filled my evening from there on, I guess it was just a bit of a blur until a friend called around 10.30.  He was a real tonic, I guess like most people I answer the phone and put on my phone voice so as not to upset whoever the caller is but with him I don't feel I need to, he has lost a partner too so understands.  He's very patient and just knowing he understands makes a huge difference. 

After that I spoke to another friend until around 2am this morning, again someone else who has been there and lost a partner and understands first hand how it feels.  It wasn't all doom and gloom though, we discussed Steve's legacy.  It's gathering pace and I really cant wait to give more info but i know it needs to be right so will be patient.

After that I went to bed and read until 3am this morning.  I got up at 9am though and went to visit Steve's Mum.  We sorted a few things and then I headed back home.  I called into a park on the way back to take some pictures, I thought i would photograph some flowers but I didn't.  The battery died on my camera so I went home.  There are some photos online, follow the link, they were taken yesterday in my garden and today at the park. 
Since getting home this afternoon I have been busy but don't have a lot to show for it so far.  I have not eaten yet so I think that's next after this is posted.  Today has been pretty uneventful really.  I have learned a few things today though, I suppose they are good lessons to learn though and will mean I am more mindful of "self preservation".  It's not a negative thing but I realise I need to perhaps take some more time out for me, do some more things for me and not  try and keep everyone else happy.
Finally, I am still very conscious that my tolerance levels are VERY low.  Noise or distractions really annoy me and things which wouldn't have been an issue before Steve died now REALLY wind me up. I am trying to get back to normal but it's not happening as quick as I want, I know I need to go easy on myself but I just want to be right again, for Steve not for me, I know it would upset him to see me so sad and re-reading his blog entries reminds me of this but it really is easier said than done.

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