It's a sad realisation but although Steve was the centre of my world he was not the centre of everyones. the wheels of industry keep turning. This is a point I (and Steve when he was here) tried to make to a good friend who feels a strong sense of responsibility to work, sometimes to the detriment of his loves ones. When you are not here life will go on, Steve knew this and, even though he seemed to always be busy working away, (I never really saw what he did) his work will have still got done on Wednesday last week, the day he died, and on Thursday and on Friday etc. this is not a criticism of his employers because they were great but just an observation that not one of us is that critical to an organisation that our not being there will bring the company to it's knees.
On the flip side though Steve still had a load of stuff listed on ebay. he had a mammoth week last week, a huge amount sold and on Friday last week it took me the whole day to package and address loads of parcels and get them ready to go. It might have taken less time for Steve to do but I really wasn't focused on it, I got relegated from operating the computer (and stuffing it up because I couldn't think) to putting items in packets.
Today again I have checked his account and there is a load of stuff to go, I feel bad as I know it has not had the attention Steve would pay to it but I hope people understand, I am sure most will but it is difficult to continue.
One thing which has upset me today is that someone had left a "neutral" feedback, this felt like a dig at me, there was a note in every parcel explaining the delay, in fairness there were only 1 or 2 items which fell outside our usual stated timings but that one comment was like a knife, "yeah I know you sent me the item, I know your partner has died but I really don't care, you should have sent my item quicker" all I hope is that one day that person will realise just how hurtful that is.
As I said I am struggling with keeping it going for Steve, both physically and emotionally so I don't need that aggro!
I have been to see Steve again today, Saw him Monday when I gave him a shave, (the beard was cute but I know he would prefer to be clean shaven) and I wanted to do that for him as it was one of the few things I could do. I saw him then Monday afternoon after he had been dressed but I didn't visit him yesterday, today I wanted to though. Obviously he doesn't look fantastic but he does just look like he is sleeping. Seeing him feels odd, I know his body is there before me but I know he is not, it is difficult to explain and I don't know how I have managed to spend so much time with him since he has passed but it feels right.
I had my tattoo for Steve yesterday, just something simple around my wrist with some special dates, we had spoken about it on the Friday before he passed away and he and I had both planned to have it done. Only I have managed to have it done of course but it is in my line of sight and I know it is there for him, it already feels like it has always been there, I love the tattoo, I am not so comfortable with the circumstances which have prompted me to get it now but that will fade and I will be left with a permanent reminder of Stephen which will always be there with me.
Well I think that is enough for now, I have stuff to do and ebay shizzle to sort for Steve, I cant let him down so onwards.....