Saturday, 11 June 2011


Well what a shit day, I started this morning quite well, although my machine
decided it was going to do strange things so I had to ask Antonia to reset
it at the office which resolved the issue (pressing g was making it do
strange things - just my day) I was then working away quite happily before
my head kicked off and decided I was having a migraine. Now I wouldn't wish
anyone to suffer from migranes as they are horrible, sometimes I can catch
then and make them go away, but with everything going on in my head, the
reducing steroids and everything else I had no chance of getting rid of it,
so off to bed just after lunch I went.

I managed to clear the main part of the headache as I was asleep which is
good and I managed to avoid the sickness too.

The reducing steroid is a pain in the arse at the moment as I get a
throbbing in my head, and it literally stops me in my tracks, hopefully it
shouldn't last for much longer though as my body gets used to the reduced

I'm still tired despite the fact I slept for over 4 hours this afternoon,
but that's nothing new for me, I might try and stay in bed for a lay in,
tomorrow morning although I know it probably won't happen, as I have post to
do for one, that and I get bored in bed and my body aches so I end up
getting up early in the morning.

Tomorrow is more log making as the paper has been soaking all week so will
make as many as we can and will start again, mum has said she can keep them
in her shed at home as a way of storing them whilst they dry out (I don't
think my dad knows yet though) they don't take up much room, though and we
can just keep making them until we have enough to last us through winter, if
for whatever reason we don't end up getting a boat this year a number of
people will be getting really random Xmas presents this year.....

This evening despite feeling still under the weather we met up with a friend
that was making a fleeting visit to Manchester, I know I probably shouldn't
have done but sometimes I have to think about other things, and I would have
been ill at home anyway so might as well be happy and ill.

Anyway am tired now so will sign off and update tomorrow.



  1. Dear Steve,

    I don't really know where to begin. I keep starting sentences and then deleting them. I know I want, maybe even need, to write to you, perhaps it's just meant to be a jumbled up mess of a message?

    I suppose one of the important things I want to say is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't know things were going so wrong for you when you went into hospital. I'm so sorry this b*stard thing took you so soon. I'm so sorry for your wonderful parents, all 4 of them, for your brother, and all your family and friends. And, I'm so sorry for Mark, for all he has gone through these last few weeks and will go through in the days and weeks ahead.

    I was really looking forward to welcoming you to my little piece of the world in August, the 'Must Do' list was getting bigger and bigger! I know you were both looking forward to it too :( I hope wherever you are, if Mark makes it in August, you'll join us. I promise to make sure we see everything on that list for you.

    I am certain wherever you are, you continue to be so proud of Mark. Your final performance came far too soon, but, was a truly lovely tribute to you and Enid by your close family and friends. Mark did amazingly well, both of his 'speeches' made me laugh and cry.

    Steve, throughout your battle you have inspired me, and I am sure so many others, with you attitude towards your illness.

    However, it wasn't until the car journey from yours to the station with Mark on Saturday, that I finally saw what taking on your attitude could do for me in my daily battle with my own illnesses. Mark and I were discussing disabled badges, motability and electric scooters. At the time what he was saying made complete sense, but, it wasn't until Sunday that it really hit home.

    Mark said, and it was clear for all to see throughout your journey, that you never let your illness defeat you.

    Referring to my own situation he said, by not accepting that a scooter would improve my day to day life, on bad days I am not able to get out or when I do I can't go very my illness(es) win. But if I changed the way I think and opt to use the 'tools' available to me I regain control over what I can/can't do and stick two fingers up to all my aches and pains - Mark said it much better than that and this his continued to play on my mind over the last few days.

    I have been anti getting a scooter ever since I was granted the benefit which entitles me Motability. I am so stubborn and fiercely independent, so getting a scooter felt like I was giving up. It would be like wearing a great big sign saying 'I'M DISABLED' and if I am completely honest I was anxious about what people would say/think too.

    But, I am now searching for the perfect electric scooter for me and I want to thank you for opening my eyes up to a different way of thinking about my health problems....

  2. Another big thank you is for caring about me and what has been happening in my life. I have received many wonderful bits and pieces to make me smile from you and Mark. Cards, charms, tick stuff, cushions and 2 lovely blankets. Despite all you have both been dealing with you always took time out to make me smile and to cheer me up when I was having some poor health days myself.

    Your legacy has begun to take shape. Andrew and I rushed to get the site online on the 14th in the hopes you would get to see it but sadly we never got to share it with you :-( Hopefully you will approve of everything we do from here on. I have a feeling that when Mark is ready this is really going to 'take off' and, we will be able to help so many LGBT people affected by cancer in your memory.

    Finally, thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey and life this past 9 months Steve. It has been an honour to share every up and down with you and Mark, and I am so glad to be able to call you both close friends.

    I promise I'll do my best to look after Mark for you, and hope that as your legacy grows we both do you proud.

    Rest peacefully now Steve.
    With Love, your BT Buddy

    Natalya xxx

  3. Dear Steve, 

    Me again, just dropping by to let you know I'm thinking of you - well you are never far from my thoughts but today seems to be a particularly reflective one.

    I hope wherever you are you're surrounded by those we loved who've gone before you. When Rose died I was comforted by the thought that Damian was already there and was hopefully there to welcome and take care of Rose. A month and a half after Rose died my forever 11 buddy, Stefan, lost his battle and having fought alongside Rose I (and Stefans mommy) believed Rose had gone before him so that he too would be welcomed and cared for by someone who 'knew' him, like his big sister. Things must be getting a bit crowded up there these days :( Now as well as Damian,Rose and Stefan I imagine Steve B. there too, the Dad to all 3 of them talking football and sharing a beer with Damian...then there is you...I remember the day you left us Steve's wife said she imagined the two of you sharing a beer with Steve teaching you all about football and his beloved Watford FC whilst you gave him a drag makeover...when I am feeling low I just think of that and can't help but smile :-)

    Your legacy is really coming together now, I have absolutely no doubt that you are so proud of all Mark achieved these last few weeks. I think we are both desperate to get things together as quick as we can, but, over the last few days I'm glad Mark has come to the realisation that it might take us a bit longer than first hoped, after all, we want to get this just right for all those who are going to use it and, of course, for you.

    I am trying my best to support Mark, grief is so unpredictable and there isnt really anything anyone can do to make you feel better, this is a journey we walk alone no matter how many people there are around us. But hopefully he knows I am here for him and I understand.

    I really wish we'd had chance to show you around here, I am desperate to go to the beach as it always helps me clear my head there. Andrew arrives tomorrow so we'll go over to Calgary sometime this week and I'll take some photos for you.

    Well, I have rambled on enough, time to get some sleep. Promise i'll be popping back every now and again for a natter.

    Thinking of you, as always.
    Your BT Buddy,

    Natalya xxx

  4. Dear Steve,

    Well, I've done it! I've been on my first trip out on Whippy! I hope you like the name by the way ;-)

    For the last few weeks, as Mark predicted, Whippy has sat in my hallway acting like a very good coat stand as I have contemplated whether I would ever have the guts to use it. I may have over come the hurdle of actually getting one but it wasn't till today that I finally took it outside!

    All I can say is why the he'll didn't someone persuade me this was a good idea before now! I have been 'like this' for over 6 years and only now after my first successful trip out have I realised how much easier my life could have been before now.

    And I have you and Mark to thank for showing me a different way of looking at things! So I wanted you to be the first to know it's already making life that little bit easier on me - THANK YOU! XXX

    I'm on my way to meet Mark now, I know he's struggling at the moment with lots of 'anniversaries' And seeing me probably won't make any difference to that, but, at least we can be miserable together for a few days. Still feels weird that I didn't know either of you this time last year :-( in the nicest possible way, I wish we'd never had to meet either, not this way anyway :-(

    Before this turns into a miserable rambling message I'll sign off with a promise that I'll come back and let you know how the rest of the week goes with Whippy :-)

    With love, your BT Buddy,
    Natalya xxx