You don't die from a broken heart...

...you only wish you did.

I know this to be true as I am still alive to write this for you and yes, I have wished I could be with Steve, whatever it takes. 

The past few days have been tough.  I mentioned a few days ago the anniversary of Steve being admitted to hospital.  One year ago today he was discharged from hospital.  He was discharged following an appointment with a Consultant Neurosurgeon.

The meeting was at a different hospital, the one near our home so, we collected Steve's belongings and drove over to the hospital.  Steve's Mum had decided she wanted to go too, even though Steve didn't want that, (he just didn't want the fuss), he was beyond putting up an arguement and just accepted it.

We waited outside the ward for our appointment.  A very secure ward with restricted doors etc so only authorised personnel were allowed in.  We were shown to an office and asked to wait.  Steve was sat alongside me gripping my hand tightly, he was SO scared but put on a brave face.

The Consultant entered the room, a friendly looking older gent closely followed by a nurse, in uniform but holding a leaflet.  One glance at the leaflet and I saw the word "Macmillan" across it.  My heart sunk and I guessed what might be coming.  She placed the leaflet face down on the table next to her.  It was too late, I had seen it and Steve had too.

The meeting seemed a bit of a blur to Steve, he engaged with the consultant but although he heard the words he didn't remember.  I had to go over it again for him when we got home.

The consultant told us that at present the only diagnosis he could give was that it was a cystic tumour.  This meant that it is a tumour which is of indeterminable substance.  He couldn't say if it was cancer or not and would not be drawn to make a comment as to his opinion of it.

The tumour appeared, from the scans, to measure around 3cm by 5cm, around the size of a large egg.  He showed us the scan and we could see how large it looked, it seemed to take up almost a quarter of the space his brain was occupying.  It explained the headaches.

He told Steve that he would be admitted to hospital the following week for major brain surgery and that he would be performing it.  He explained the procedure, called debulking and explained the risks, death from anaesthetic, death from complications death from etc etc.  We asked about the alternative, it wasn't very attractive, it was death. 

It was odd that he knew this tumour could kill Steve but didn't know what it was.  With hindsight I think he probably had a pretty good idea what it was but wouldn't commit until absolutely sure. 

Steve asked about out holiday, remember we were due to go on holiday early in November for 3 weeks.  All he would say is that he can't advise one way or another until the biopsy has been done.  He said if it is benign then a holiday may be just the thing he needs to relax and recuperate, if it is malignant then further treatment would continue as soon as possible to provide him with the best possible chance.

As a young, fit and healthy man he said Steve had a very good chance of making a full recovery.  He did say though that he could expect to feel tired for around six months as brain surgery can affect energy levels for quite some time.

The rest of the day we were numb.  We were grateful to be reunited at home but we were numb.

Twelve months on from that and I feel numb again.  I am brutally aware of what happened next and of my current situation but I'm managing to stay relatively composed (almost).  I cant think of very much else at the moment but I am trying to be strong.  Steve was and remained so thoroughout his journey.  I can't call it an illness as he refused to let it make him ill. 

Stephen showed more courage than I ever thought imaginable.  He called me his rock.  He was mine too.  His courage and determination was a constant inspiration to me and still is. For that I am grateful and always will be.

A way forward

Thats where I am at right now, looking for a way forward.  Looking for that elusive new norm.  Today has been a mixed day.  An interesting meeting today has left me with a lot of mixed emotions and feeling "on edge" about a lot of things.  All adding to my stress levels.  I'm trying not to dwell on it because I can't afford to let the stress get to me.

In many ways the past 12 months have served to make me stronger.  In many other ways they have highlighted my vulnerability.

After Steve's initial diagnosis I recall going out for dinner with his parents and his Uncle.  The same Uncle that told him he could stand up and fight his cancer or he could pull the duvet over his head and give in to it.  He told us how he was now bullet proof.

We didn't really understand but, as he had lost his Wife to cancer just 9 months previously he explained how the worse thing he could ever imagine or fear had now happened so, whatever else came his way would not be difficult to deal with. 

I understand that now as I have lived through and continue to live in my worse nightmare.  Being single per'se is not a nightmare, I have been single before and had a very happy and fulfilled life thank you very much.  The nightmare comes in that I have lost my soulmate, lost whilst we were very much still in love with each other, lost whilst we were still in our idealistic honeymoon phase.

There seems to be no let up to my grief at the moment.  It creeps up and surprises me at the most inconvenient time.  This morning driving to work I heard the song "Time to say goodbye", it set me off.  it's not a song Steve and I identified with but as soon as it started it too me to the crematorium, stood in front of Steve's coffin with his picture smiling back at me.  I stopped tocompose myself.  I ended up being about 2 minutes late for work.  Not a huge issue but persoanlly frustrating that this had happened.  It was a bright morning and I was in a good mood.

I considered earlier today the difference in how I feel, how well I feel I am coping, how well friends think I am coping and how "others" feel I am coping.  I am not really bothered about other peoples opinions of how I  am managing.  I feel I have made a lot of progress, it's still less than three months since Steve died.  Seeing the news reports yesterday of the 9/11 memorials and how emotional and upset those families still are after ten years of grieving made me realise my loss and how that makes me feel will be with me for the rest of my life.  When people say, "so you're feeling better now?" or as my Aunt said last week, "Oh so you're over it all now" I get angry but, I hope they have seen the reports from yesterday and have realised that grief does not respond to timescales or deadlines.  My life has now been changed forever as have as those of Stephen's many friends, as the song says, he has left a handprint on my heart, I am sure there are many other hearts wearing the same print http://animoto.com/play/GkTXS6BMWsRca25Z4Ix1tw

Overall I still feel I am moving forward and making progress, there are good parts of most days and tough parts of every day but all in all I am getting there, wherever "there" may be.  Tomorrow I have a productive day planned at work, theres a lot of ideas swimming around in my head, they seem to be coming back slowly but surely and I am looking forward to getting back "up to speed".  That doesn't mean forgetting Steve, it just means learning to live in my new situation.

Thats it for tonight, early to bed as tomorrow is a work day.  Early to bed doesn't mean sleeping though, I'm still not conquering the whole sleep thing but, at least being in bed I am showing willing.

Goodnight xxx

End of a weekend.... Woo!

Another weekend over, just as well really.  Even though I managed to keep myself busy today I am still pleased it's over.  Last year I felt the same.

As you know this time last year Steve was in hospital.  In part what annoyed Steve, apart from not feeling I'll, was being unable do do his normal things and missing out on living life to the fullest, something he did till the end.

This time last year we were due to go on an underground tour of Manchester. Steve had booked it early in the year and had been looking forward to it as it is a restricted area and the tours are quite infrequent and we were due to take two friends too

Over the course of the few days he spent in hospital Steve had been going stir crazy.  He told us how he spent one night listening to the guy in the next bed calling out "lord have mercy on me...." and singing Onward Christian Soldiers and listening to another guy complain constantly about how rubbish the food was and how constipated he was.  Steve said he felt more I'll being in than he had before.

Over these first few days though he had been reduced from 2 hourly observations, (blood pressure, temperature, pulse etc) to 4 hourly but his steroid dose was quite high.

By sheer charm and being a model patient Steve managed to negotiate a few hours out of hospital.  Basically he had to wait Until after his afternoon obs were done and he could go out but had to be back before the evening obs at 10pm.  Initially he had thought he could get out at lunchtime so I made a lovely lunch and a home made cheesecake, (it was not a great cheesecake.... I have not followed a BBC Good Food recipe since....).

I collected Steve though at the required time and brought him home.  He wasn't hungry, well not for food anyway.  We fulfilled our carnal desires instead, those past four days had been hellish so it was nice to have that closeness and intimacy back, even if only relatively briefly. We then tried the cheesecake before heading off to meet friends ready for the underground tour, Steve had waited months for this.

The tour was disappointing to say the least, we sort of wished we had stayed in bed.  Parts of it were interesting though, parts of the tunnel were the former canal and some of it had been used as air raid shelters during the war, overall though it was not that interesting, especially when compared to the underground tours of Edinburgh which we had both enjoyed.

Steve got back to his ward in time for the evening rounds, the nurse was grateful he had upheld his side of the bargain, he was grateful for a few hours out and I was grateful for a few short hours snatched with my Husband.  Gratitude in a relationship seems odd but, think of it as the opposite of taking someone for granted.  Be grateful for what you have because you never know how long it will last.

Back to today.  I have prepped around 60 listings for eBay later this week then photographed even more stuff to go on and spent a few hours being creative and sewing, that is until the needle snapped.  I took that as a natural break in proceedings and decided to go and get some food.

This evening I have relaxed, half watching TV, part checking email and part day dreaming of browsing the Internet.  I'm in bed now typing this.

It's odd but, since there has just been me in the bed I spread out as much as possible so as to make the bed feel smaller and no so empty.

Back to work tomorrow Which reminds me of a quote I was sent:
At work, where recovery from broken-heartedness is expected to progress according to a time sheet, life goes on. Yet, we will not feel better according to a timeline determined by others and we cannot just opt out of feeling lonely.
Of course, I think some people may forget this.  I am back in the office therefore their lives have returned to normal.  How very nice for them eh....

Goodnight x

I still hate weekends.....

I missed a day, sorry.  I ended up chatting on the phone for about 3 hours until 2ish this morning and after that it was shower and bed.

Yesterday I went back to work.  It was ok I suppose, well really it was more chaotic than anything but interesting too.  I guess I am adjusting to how the place runs now as I have been away so long there are now three people sort of doing my old job but there is still loads for me to do.  It is actually a relief to have the help of those other people.  It was needed a long time ago but I am just appreciative of it being there now.

Last night I busied myself tidying around as someone was due to view the house today.  Some friends called around after their holiday.  It was nice to see them.  We chatted for a while and also spoke about my 'holiday' too, I explained a little how tough it was.  As I said though, words can't explain how it feels.

Oddly, they are the same friends that called around last year on Steve's second day in hospital, I was so upset at facing another night without Steve, again it is too difficult to explain, I drowned my sorrow by drinking more than half a bottle of Southern Comfort, no mixer, I just wanted alcohol to block out how I felt. 
It's strange but, since Steve died I have avoided all but the smallest amount of alcohol.  I know I am afraid of what it will do, I don't want to unlock those thoughts or emotions which are safely secured away and I know alcohol will loosen the bonds that hold those thoughts safe and sound.

After spending most of the night on the phone I showered and went to bed. It was as tough last night as it was a year ago, in fact tougher I guess.  Last year I knew Steve was safe and sound at hospital, this year I know he's dead.

Today I got up and sorted my stuff out and got easy for the viewing.  The prospective buyers came and had a look but I have no idea whether they liked it or not, I suppose time will tell.

 This afternoon I did some shopping then came home and did some cooking, I experimented with a few things and made a lovely meal for myself.  Oddly just cooking upset me.  Usually I would so this for Steve and I, inflicting new flavours and concoctions on him.  It's not so much fun cooking for one or not sharing these new flavours with someone special.

Right now I feel pretty shitty, it's been a tough night for a few reasons.  I think early to bed is the solution, the sooner I got to sleep the sooner it is a new day and a new start.

Not sure what tomorrow will bring, maybe I need some time out on my own.  I don't know but will decide tomorrow.

Goodnight x

What a day!

Well what a day it has been today.  I knew it would be a tough one anyway as it was my first full day in work since Steve's death so it was an early(ish) night last night and three alarms set for this morning, just in case.

I got up no problem and just pottered around slowly, not usual for me as usually when I am working it is a mad flit around to iron clothes, get dressed and get out ASAP but this morning I had loads of time to spare.

I got to the office and got settled in my new place, I was not happy, sat in a draught in a corner on a dodgy desk, I felt like a spare part, like I didn't belong there.

I busied myself with a few things and my mobile rang for the third time, unusually it was my Dad so I answered as he was away with my Mum visiting family in Wales and it's unlike him to call.

After hearing his opening words..... "now don't worry....." I knew I wouldn't like what came next.  He proceeded to tell me how my Mum had been driving, (again this was unusual as she rarely drives as my Dad likes to drive) and she has crashed the car, quite badly, and could I give him his insurance company details.

You can imagine how I felt.  My heart sunk.  If it's not one thing it's another and again, why do I keep hearing the phrase "you don't get sent anything you can't handle...". I was told they had crashed into the central reservation at a junction, I later saw it was a traffic island and it was actually a lamppost that they had crashed in to.

I got the details he needed from the Internet and a few quick calls and sent them through.   The Police were called and an Ambulance and I'm relieved there were no serious injuries.  The car is another matter.

They tried to move the car but it wasn't for moving, the recovery truck had to come and take it away.  It will be delivered home in the next few days and then the insurance assessor will need to view it.  They have no idea if it is repairable.

Until the assessor has seen the car they can't get a courtesy car either so,  they were left stranded in Wales.  Shaken up, with luggage and miles Fromm anywhere.  

To cut a long story short they were collected and taken to my Aunt's house and I drove down to collect them, a 400(ish) mile round trip.  My first day back to work had been cut short and I got to go for a long drive instead.  I am not sure if that was better than a full day in the office.

You will recall though I mentioned I knew today would be a tough one.  I didn't have a crystal ball and the first day back wasn't my only concern.  Today marks one year since Steve was admitted to hospital.  

One year ago today was the first night we had spent apart from each other since we had met six years previously.  We had met on a Friday and by the following Thursday Steve had moved in and we lived happily ever after, or at least until 8th September 2010.

Following on from his lengthy assessment the previous day Steve had been asked to return to the hospital at 10am for a CAT scan.  He went to work as usual and told his boss he would be an hour or so as the appointment to  discuss the results was set for the Friday so he went on the bus to he hospital but, following his scan he was asked to return to the clinic.  He did so and was told immediately that he is being admitted.  He was shoved into a wheelchair and carted off to the medical assessment unit and given a huge dose of steroid

He was annoyed in particular because he had a mountain of work to complete and felt pissed that he had been forced to sit in a wheelchair.  Two minutes before he was well enough to walk to the clinic but now he was not well enough to walk from the clinic to the ward allegedly.  He felt fine.  The only explanation he was given was that he had a growth behind his left eye.

Steve called me at work, I was shocked to say the least but, as they were still doing tests he reckoned I was best not coming to the hospital until later ithe afternoon as by then he should be ok to go home.  He was very wrong.

I of course spent the whole afternoon googling "lump behind the left eye".  It came up with all sorts including brain tumours but, the most scary thing I could find then was some sort of condition which meant he would lose one eye.  Because if the condition the socket would be damaged too and he would be left with a horrible hole where his eye once was and would have to wear an eyepatch.  

This was the worse thing I could see at the time but I sort of figured he could still perform and do all the same things with one eye but his mascara for stage would last double the time.  I didn't share this with Steve at the time but I did many months later, we laughed about it afterwards and wished that that was what he had instead.

Later that day it became clear he was staying in hospital, he thought it would be for one night so I came home and packed the necessaries, waited for Steves Mum to arrive as she wanted to come too and took off to hospital with his stuff.  He was well, bored and frustrated and scared to be in hospital but otherwise well.  We all joked about how he was being dramatic.  

He was angry and kept insisting there was nothing wrong but he was just humouring the doctors.  Remember, up to now he had not been suffering from any symptoms, a few migraines now and again but he got those as a child and he was in the busiest period of the year at work and was operating two computers at his desk so assumed the migraines were more due to eye strain. A change of prescription was ruled out after the optician had said his current prescription was fine just a few days before.

I remember the journey home from the hospital with Steve's Mum. I shared what I had learned and also mentioned brain tumours.  I remember saying, there isn't a lot behind your eye other than your brain so what else can it be? Neither of us wanted to dwell on it.

When I got home some friends called to check on how Steve had been, we had updated people through the day by text.  Most of our friends were concerned, there was one notable exception but that's another story.

When I got in I cracked open a bottle of Vodka, I needed a drink.  I was home alone so after just one drink I trundled off to bed, my head was swimming with more thoughts that I ever imagined possible. Below is a picture of Steve on his first night in hospital, made to wear a gown so he got the idea he was staying.

This time last year I was settling down to my first night without Steve since meeting him.  on getting in to my side of the bed and feeling to cold and empty space next to me I started to cry, then I sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed myself to sleep.  I remember crying in to my pillow and saying out loud, "please don't die please don't die please don't die...." and asking what would I do without him.

Re-living this just 12 short months further on feels odd.  It's like recalling a film but, I am sat here in bed, alone.  I know it is real.  I know he has gone.  I look at his picture and he smiles at me as he always has, tonight I just can't smile back at him. Just 365 days ago I had my first taste of what life is like now.  A cold and lonely bed crying myself to sleep and waking up knowing I have to do it all again tomorrow.

Now you understand why today is a tough day.....

and so the journey began...

that's where I am at, exactly twelve months since Steve was sent to the eye hospital following a routine eye test.  Following his eye test on 5th September he saw his own doctor on the morning of 7th September and he referred Steve to the eye hospital in the afternoon.  His appointment was at 2pm and I took him to the hospital despite him insisting he would be fine to go on his motorbike.

The department closed at 6pm but Steve and I were still there at 6.15pm whilst they booked him in for an MRI scan to following day.

We went home and discussed the days events but didn't worry too much.  I say that but what I mean is we didn't discuss it much.  Steve said he was worried, (as was I), but didn't see the point in getting stressed because at this point we had no idea what we would be worrying about.  We were to find out all too soon.

A year on and I have been sat here alone all day.  I have done quite a lot of work really.  Letters prepared to be sent to tie up some loose ends with Stephens affairs, there is still more to do but I felt in a work like mood today and it has also been the first day I have felt able to face some of the stuff I have had to deal with.

Steve rarely took the ostrich approach, (burying your head in the sand), and I encouraged him to face up to the things he would prefer to avoid.  He learned well and also encouraged me to do the things I put off till last minute.  I have been putting a lot of things off since he died i guess though last week's reality check, being alone on the trip we had planned together has really given me a kick up the arse.

Stephen is dead.  There is nothing I can do about it.  I know crying wont help, wishing and hoping doesn't help, in fact nothing does because I have tried. 

I learned today of a little boy called Ashley.  He died this day last year.  I have seen his picture and he is such a cute kid, that makes it all the more difficult.  He was just 8 when he died.  Its not fair is it.  It's stories like that which remind me that my pain is similar to the pain many people the world over are sharing because of one small six letter word, a small word with huge implications. Cancer.

It's because of that small but disproportionately huge word that Andrew is running for Steve and for Christies in a few weeks, I have sponsored him, can you? http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85 every penny will help.

I think whilst we are all safe and sound in our own homes with our loved ones around us we forget about other peoples suffering.  Remember, cancer does not discriminate over age, race, religion, sex or sexuality.  Cancer wont care if you have thousands of pounds in the bank or just a few pennies, no matter how much is in there though you cant spend that money when you're dead.

Steve and I worked hard.  We worked all week in our day jobs and almost all weekend performing and entertaining others.  We spread a lot of happiness, joy and laughter around the country, we earned a few quid too but what good was it?  We worked and worked and worked, last year it was for our holiday in November.  Three weeks in India.  We never got there. 

Cancer stopped our plans.  Our holiday was cancelled, our money lost and days on the beach or sightseeing were replaced with hospital waiting rooms and the radiotherapy suite at Christies Hospital.  I don't know if I will ever be able to go to India to see the things Steve wanted to see, I would love to but, I realise that is is not important anymore.  The most important thing to me is no longer here.

I don't want to drag the soap box out but spare a moment.  How would you feel without your closest loved one around you?  If they had cancer would you be wishing someone had found a cure or would you feel proud that you helped do as much as possible to fight this killer?  None of us can find a cure on our own but we can join together as one voice and support those who aim to help others.

One in three of us will be affected by cancer in our lives that's for sure but, what isn't sure is which one of us it will be.

Spare a thought for Ashley's family tonight, snatched from them at just 8 years old just one year ago and please remember that any support you are able to provide is VERY much appreciated by each and every family who have lost a loved one to cancer.

Goodnight xxx

Well it's not been 'that' long...

Hiya,
Well at least this time I have only missed one day not a whole week.  anyway here goes.  Yesterday was an OK day, I logged on from home and did a heap of work.  I'm just trying to catch up a little before I go back.  I got quite a lot done  so was quite pleased.  Apart from that there was not a huge amount of news but I did have a lovely email last night from someone Steve used to work with.  I've copied part of the email below for you:

I work in the Accounts department at Traveljigsaw and have done for a number of years.  I was therefore lucky enough to know and work with Steve for a number of years and I must say we always had a ball

Earlier this year I thought I would try and show my support towards Steve and his illness by signing up to run the Great North Run.  I asked Steve before I signed up that I wanted to do this for a charity of his choice and together we decided that I would run and try and raise some money for The Christie.  With the run less than 2 weeks away I have set up a just giving page to try and raise as much money as I can for this charity as per Steve’s wishes

(www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85).  I am sorry that I have not been in touch sooner in regards to this but I was unsure myself as to whether I would be able to do the run until such short notice.  I was wondering whether you would be able to mention this and my just giving page on your next blog or on facebook somewhere so we can try and raise as much as we possibly can.

I remember Steve mentioning this to me and I know he was chuffed that someone wanted to do this in his honour which is why I am passing this on as I (and I am sure Steve), would be very grateful if anyone could support Andrew in raising money for a very worthwhile cause.

Today I have spent most of the day out, I had to take my car in to the garage for an MOT so took it to the garage it went to last year and then spent the day with a friend whilst the garage worked on the car.  Steve's Mum visited this evening, it was nice to chat to her properly but this evening I have not managed to catch up on any of the things I wanted to sort, I think an early night is in order and an early start tomorrow so it's goodnight for now.
M x

Here goes for a biggie....

This sporadic blogging is more difficult as I have to remember stuff but I have had a busy few days.


On Wednesday last week a friend arrived and stayed for a few days which is nice. It's good to sit and chat with no agenda.

On Thursday we had a few things to do. I called in to work to show someone else around the centre to show how it can be used for fundraising for other charities. On Thursday evening we went to see some other friends and were treated to a Jamaican banquet, it was lovely and the evening just ran away with us before we knew it, it was approaching midnight.

On Friday I packed up the car for my road trip to Scotland, it was full to bursting with all sorts including a sewing machine and fabric as I have been roped in to a bedroom makeover whilst away. It will be nice though to help with that.

We set off from home at 13.30 but we were still quite local at 16.30 as we did a bit of shopping en route, the traffic reports were rubbish so we were in no rush however, by the time we got to wherever the jams were, they had cleared so it was nice to have a clear run.

We stayed in Carlisle on Friday night and after a lovely dinner we sat and chatted for quite some time. Of course Steve Featured greatly in the conversation.

On Saturday we were in Glasgow, we called in to a Scottish national trust property but there was no parking available within any reasonable distance so we drove on. Travelling with a disabled friend really does make you see how difficult the simplest of things can be. It was similar travelling with Steve, simple things like parking a little closer to wherever we needed to be or taking the lift instead of the stairs really made a difference to how long Steve could spend out and about before becoming incredibly tired, ah the joys of cancer treatments eh.

We did go for a short walk though along the river just to meddle with the camera and take some pictures, it was too windy to stay out for long though.

On Sunday we made our way north to Oban where we boarded the ferry for Mull. The crossing was a little choppy but nothing too bad. It was quite nice to sit back and let someone else 'drive' for a bit.

When we got to Mull I really did get a bit of a surprise. Most of the roads there are single track, not usually a bad thing but the condition of the roads are such that not only are you watching out for the availability of passing places for the oncoming cars but also watching out for huge potholes, (think the vicar of dibley disappearing in the puddle), and it's not even like you can just drive a little off the road as there is often a 12 inch (or more) drop either side of the road or in some cases a cliff! It certainly was a different driving experience but, by the time I was leaving the island I had got used to a different style of driving and actually enjoyed the trip back to the ferry.

The friend I stayed with has a lovely little cottage, it really is little but, more than big enough for one or for a couple, I was surprised to learn the previous occupants had been a family of four. Dervaig is a tiny little village but has a little shop, a post office and a pub so what else do you need? It's on the main bus route to Tobermory (Balamory) too so it's quite convenient.

On Sunday evening we visited the local pub for dinner, it was lovely and extremely busy, surprisingly so actually, the Belachroy is apparently the oldest continually inhabited building on the island dating back to the 1600's. As well as being a locals pub it is also a hotel and restaurant and have a lovely menu on offer.

On Monday we went to Tobermory, it is so picturesque and just like you see in many a postcard etc. We had a lovely afternoon wandering around the shops there, as it's the islands main shopping area they have everything from a bookshop to a chandlery a hardware store to a distillery. They seem to cram a huge amount of stuff in to each shop. I guess the main difference is that the selection is limited. By that I mean when you go to your local supermarket you may get several choices of brand for the same product, on the island there may only be one brand or at most two so, choice is limited and, because there is no competition, they can charge way over the odds, in some cases two or three times as much as on the mainland. I am sure there are other factors that influence that too but it really is noticeable, as an example petrol is around 20p per litre more than on the mainland.... As a minimum! In fact even in Oban which is on the mainland the fuel was 12p per litre more expensive than it was nearer to Glasgow.

We stayed in Tobermory for a late lunch too, at the side of the harbour there is a fish and chip van. The fish they sell comes in straight from the fishermans boat first thing in the morning and is then prepped and sold the same afternoon. It was lovely and, it had a lovely and different taste, the fish really tasted fresh and you could taste the sea.... I am not sure that makes sense but I know what I mean, slightly salty but delicious and the chips were lovely too. We sat at the harbour with our lunch and chatted a little. It was difficult though.

Every mouthful seemed difficult to swallow. All I could think about was Steve. When our friend has posted in her blog about sitting at the harbour with fish and chips many months ago Steve commented that he was looking forward to doing the very same thing. A simple pleasure but, that was Steve, he didn't need flash restaurants etc he just appreciated good food. I miss him and I miss cooking for him too, I loved experimenting with food and he was always keen to try whatever I had concocted. I've never made fish and chips as nice as that though and I know Steve would have thoroughly enjoyed sitting there with us.

On Tuesday we headed back in to Tobermory briefly to pick something up then went for a drive. We drove to Calgary, a beach on the island with lovely light sand and a beautiful view out to sea. On the way we saw some highland cows so stopped for some pictures. They really are quite something but, they are quite scary too. When they are stood in the middle of the road those big and pointy horns sort of stop you getting impatient and blasting your horn at them as their horns can do more damage than mine!

At the beach there is a small campsite there and it is where Steve and I were supposed to be camping when we visited the island. It was the last trip we planned together and we had finalised details just the week before he died. He was so looking forward to it, we even went to look at a new tent for the trip on the Saturday before he died. It was such a lovely place and it was difficult not being able to share what I was seeing with Steve, even though I know many will say "he was there with you", it's not the same as being able to turn to him and see the look on his face or feel his hand in mine as we walk along the beach.

The beach really was lovely though and I took some pictures, I wrote in the sand for Steve, it was difficult being there. There were just a few people around, my friend was there too but I had wandered off alone up the beach to be with my thoughts. I'd have given anything to have Steve with me there and then, I still would.

On Wednesday we had a chilled out day and did very little, it was nice to relax and, it was also nice not to have a phone signal, oddly it was nice to feel that little bit of freedom of being away from it all. Steve used to like that too, just knowing that the phone wouldn't ring at all. I know we could turn the phone off but, that feels different. Being in an area which means you are not contactable is different to choosing to turn the phone off. Perhaps it was just us, (and me now), but I think I will have to start doing that, ditching the phone and having time out away from it all.

On Thursday I headed back to the mainland. I got the ferry to Oban and had a wander around. Even though it is on the mainland it is still stupidly overpriced, I guess just because I live in the city where everything is so accessible I don't always appreciate what it takes to get goods etc to these remote places.

Thursday was a particularly tough day though. Leaving Mull and driving alone I just cried. There was so much lovely scenery, driving along the lochs, the mountains, and just lovely scenery but nobody there to share it with. The ferry journey was difficult too, looking out to sea all I could think of was Steve, he had not been far from my thoughts throughout the whole time as it was something he and I were supposed to do together which is why I went. I am glad I did and I knew it would be difficult but it was tougher than I imagined.

When I got the the mainland my messages came though, I have still not read most but I received an email from work, a shitty horrible email which annoyed me and upset me in equal measure. It is clear they have no idea and no appreciation of how I may be feeling right now. They are putting a lot of pressure on me telling me how urgent it is that I go back to work because they need me. It's nice to feel wanted but they really are making me feel worse. I am going back tom work on Thursday and I have told them this so that's another reason why I find the pressure difficult tom cope with.

I replied to the email explaining how I am feeling pressured and stressed by them and got another back on Friday which had the same insensitive, demanding and slightly menacing tone. I wouldn't wish how I feel on anyone as it is horrible but I just wish they could understand. It seems the only people who do understand are those who have also lost their partner, husband or wife.

On Friday night I stayed in Glasgow, I did venture out but ended up in my room with a bottle of wine for company and the TV, I had had a shitty day so it was what I needed.

On Saturday I had a wander around Glasgow, nothing exciting to report there. I then made my way toward Kilmarnock which was supposed to be the next stopping point on Steve and my road trip. As it was early I drove further on to Prestwick and parked up. I made a few phone calls I had been meaning to do for a while and had a wander through the town. After that I decided to walk along the esplanade and down on to the beach again, more thinking time listening to the sea crashing on the rocks.

I walked along the beach and took a few pictures. On my way back I spoke to a friend I was due to stay with on Sunday night. To cut a long story short he convinced me I should make my way over to his a little earlier than planned. I don't think I needed a lot of convincing so, instead of driving the. 10 miles to my hotel I drove 180 miles to his house. Again it's somewhere Steve liked as there is no phone signal so we can legitimately switch off from the world.

On arrival I was greeted by a Martini, very much needed and appreciated. Prepared in the same way as taught by Dean Martin, 2 parts gin, 1 part martini and a splash of vodka, it was the perfect way to wind down after such a long drive. It was followed by a lovely meal and of course wine.

After a relaxing night on Saturday we headed out to Richmond to have a wander about the town. There were a few nice shops there but I didn't buy anything. Every time I pick something up I imagine what Steve would be saying, I won't say here what he would say as some people have got in to the habit of quoting Steve's sayings at me, inappropriately. I don't mind that so much but I hate it when they get it wrong or take it out of context so by keeping quiet I will not be providing tools with which to annoy me!

Anyway we headed home and had a lovely lunch, it was a late lunch or early dinner really but whichever it was it was lovely then, my friend had to go to work, so I tagged along.

I spent the evening sat in the bar of the hotel he works at. I only had a few drinks but was thoroughly entertained by some of the locals, one of the older ladies in particular had my sides aching with laughter. The first time I have properly laughed in many many months.

Today I set off at a reasonable time but, as I get quite tired of driving quite quickly I stopped off at two separate villages on the way home and had a wander around. Some lovely shops but again, I didn't buy anything, some lovely stuff there though but I guess in the main, most of my hesitation is down to us selling this place, I want new stuff in my new place, or at least new to me as I have seen some second hand or antique stuff I quite like the look of, not heirloom antiques though, just the sort I can modify, paint, tweak or adjust to suit my home.

I got home this evening and have chilled out a little. I feel drained from the journey but also emotionally drained because all I have done for the last week or so is think about Steve and churn things over and over and over again in my mind. I'm not complaining though, that's all I have of Steve now, my thoughts and memories. I said weeks ago I seem to miss him more each hour of each day, I thought there would be a point of saturation, I've not reached it yet, I still miss him more and more and more.

Well, I guess thats me done for now, the rest of the night will be spent relaxing and catching up.

Bye for now,
Mark

Sent from my iPad

Belachroy

Some good, some bad some better...

There seems to be so much to say, maybe not to say but so much going on in my head right now. Firstly, and most importantly, I want to say a huge THANK YOU publicly to all my friends, (and yeah, I include family in that too), I’m not going to say there is too many to list as there isn’t but, I don’t want to list people and forget someone so it’s just thank you to all OUR friends as they/you have all been great in the past few weeks and months to me and to Steve when he was alive. As you know we lost a few friends along the way, that wasn’t a bad thing, they hurt Steve and I’m relieved to not have to deal with them anymore, I realise now that they were not really friends.


Moving on, I mentioned yesterday I was planning to go in to work today. I did. I felt so stressed and nervous and not for any good reason really. I knew where I was going and the people I would see there. I can’t say I’m glad I went in as I still don’t feel “right” in myself. I guess as well as feeling vulnerable I feel I am volatile too. I’m not going in tomorrow but am planning on popping in on Thursday. I still feel I am being pushed more than encouraged but I suppose only time will tell where it ends up. I guess for now I just have to see what happens next.

On returning home I motivated myself to speak to the bank. I can honestly say I have never had a less pleasant conversation with anyone else since Steve died. She might as well have said “I don’t give a toss that your husband is dead”, she didn’t, but it would have been less offensive. That’s just another thing that I will need to sort in time.

The other thing that has been on my mind for much of the day today is a “dream” I had this morning. I say dream, in inverted commas as it felt like more than a dream, more of an experience. I know some will dismiss my ramblings as silly, some as nonsense and others may be intrigued but to be honest I really am not bothered about other people’s opinion.

Basically in my dream this morning I had what seemed like a lengthy discussion with Steve. He was lying behind me in bed with his arms around me and held me as I had done with him many many times before. I was cold, (which in itself is odd with a feather quilt and a fleecy throw on the bed) and he was trying to warm me.

I asked him if he was OK and whether he was happy and he seemed so. There were some things he couldn’t articulate and I couldn’t really fully grasp what he meant. The experience seemed to last for some time but it felt very real.

As I said more than a dream, so much so when I woke at 6.39AM I grasped at the space behind me to feel if Steve was there. Of course he wasn’t but, for a few seconds I was puzzled as to where he was.

Far from that being distressing or worrying it wasn’t, it was strangely comforting, more than comforting it was nice.

I don’t know why last night as opposed to any other and I don’t know if it was actually ‘just’ a dream but right now I don’t need an explanation, I just accept it.

I could ramble on some more but I am going to go to bed instead so will sign off. Hope to see you here again soon

Xx Mark xX

Robbed!

I have just had an exchange of texts with a friend and it has made me realise something quite strange and I will share it with you.

Even though it was Stephen who was diagnosed with Cancer last September and his fight with it ended in June of this year my fight with Cancer is continuing. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have not been diagnosed with Cancer and as far as I am aware I am well, apart from being overweight and not exercising enough I reckon I am OK but, my life is still being ruled by Cancer.

Simple things which I used to take for granted now take some consideration.  The thought of doing them makes me feel sick.  It’s difficult to explain but, what has triggered me off on this train of thought tonight is work, (again).

I received an email from them, basically letting me know what’s going on in work and asking me to go in at some point.  All that seems fair enough but the line “...it needs to start one way or the other”, has really got to me.  Yeah, I do need to go back to work, I know that, as I said before bills still need paying and you don’t get a cash windfall when your partner dies but I feel like I am being goaded in to work, like I have to succumb to their might.  In reality I have to, I have no choice and it tears me apart inside. 

What hurts more is what feels like a complete apathy toward my loss.  Yeah the words are right, but they are empty, they are regurgitated text book stuff because that’s what the HR handbook says they should say.  Maybe one day they will understand but, how many people will be made to feel like this before they do.

Cancer though is still making my life horrible.  Cancer has made me like this because Cancer is what caused Steve’s death. 

I shared something with my friend tonight which I had not considered before but, something she said crystallised the whole thing for me. 

Cancer has, in part, robbed me of my confidence.  I feel stupid at the thought but I feel it is true.  I used to be outgoing and cheerful etc but now I am not.  I plan to avoid busy places.  I go to the shop when it is quietest, I avoid people and situations and I also avoid the phone, not friends but I avoid paperwork type stuff, car insurance was done online to avoid speaking to people and telephone banking sends a shiver down my spine.

Before Steve died nothing bothered me, being alone they do, it sounds feeble, lame even but, that’s it, Cancer has changed me, changed me a lot. 

I will go in to the office tomorrow, the thought is making me feel sick and I feel strangely nervous, perhaps a little like the first day of school but I need to do it.  As I said I have no choice.  Cancer does that you know, it takes choices away. 

Cancer took Steve’s choices away and he hated that.  It took our choice to have a holiday away and it took our choice to socialise and lead a normal life away.

We lead as normal a life as possible but, we were stopped from doing things, seeing people and being carefree by limitations caused by medication, treatment, fatigue, infection risk and good old common sense.

I guess I ought to stop there, there is so much more to say but it won’t be beneficial to take the lid off those boxes and unleash the contents here so, until tomorrow.......

Goodnight,
Mark

Sporadic updates...

I'm not going to bother apologising; sporadic blogs seem to just be the “norm” at the moment.

Since I wrote last there has been a real mix of feelings, thoughts, emotions and all those other external factors that shape them.

On Thursday I had to go to the Doctors, this time for some jabs, not sure what for, I don’t recall but, I had a reminder from Steve’s diary that they were needed and the docs knew what I needed so that’s all good. Apparently whatever it was I had is now not needed for 20 years, so I suppose it was worth doing.

When I got back from the docs I tried to find something to busy myself, my mind wasn’t in the right place for work so I didn’t log on, I am listening more to myself now and I am getting good at spotting my stress triggers, well, some of them.Instead I got creative and painted a chair, I actually did three.

One is Gold and I have done another two in a rose gold colour, they look ok painted but, here is the pic of “before”...

(sorry I can't find how to rotate it, but you get the idea...)

I didn’t do much else on Thursday. It was good to get busy being creative though, it required very little thought and made me focus on something positive.

On Friday I got up and took a trip out to the warehouse, I just needed a few things for my next creative splurge. When I got back I continued to work on the chair I had started on Friday. It was again a great distraction as I had been feeling a little flat.

I was pleased with the finished look though and have now decided that it will become my new chair for my home office, why shouldn’t it look a little bling? Below is the picture of the “after”,

as I said I was pleased with it and am not really bothered if anyone else likes it. I guess that is a benefit of being “single”, I can do what I want when I want how I want and have nobody else to please but, I know for sure Steve would love the chair too. It’s in our bedroom until I get rid of the current chair I have at my desk.

On Friday evening I got creative making bits of jewellery, just another thing I am enjoying at the moment. Again, it is pure distraction therapy; I got so engrossed in it I was up until after 3am meddling with that.

Yesterday was another odd day. Weekends seem to be, (and since Steve died have always been), very difficult and the hardest parts of the week. I feel more lonely at weekends, even when I am with other people I feel lonely as I just keep feeling like something is missing. I know it is not something, it is someone, but either way that missing feeling is impossible to shake at weekends.

I ventured out in the morning to the fabric shop for inspiration to cover the two rose gold chairs. I saw some nice Chinese fabric but it was not the colour I wanted, it was very nice though.

After spending hours looking at fabric I decided that nothing was right and that I will use the black velvet I already have and I will embroider some design on there to make it different. I will post pictures of those when they are done too.

Last night, after watching the start of Freak Factor, (otherwise known as X Factor), I decided to sort the large spare room. There has been quite a lot of stuff in there until recently which is all making its way to new owners via eBay. I decided I would sort it ready for N coming later this week.

Aside from it being necessary it was a better use of time than sitting in front of freak factor and losing a whole evening.

After that I came to my desk to write my blog. I failed, I got to two paragraphs and I kept yawning so much my eyes were streaming so I gave up and went to bed, (where I promptly spent over an hour on the iPad looking at stuff I have no use for on the internet.

This morning was a lazy one, just spent in front of the computer. A friend called around for a coffee and a chat and now he’s gone I have decided to update you on where I’m at. Whilst doing this I have been inspired to go and finish sorting the spare room too so, that’s where I’m heading.

Till next time,
Mark

A busy day....

Here I am again, it must be 'that' time of night.  Its odd you know as I always used to remind Steve to do his blog before bed, most times he would and only sometimes he would say he didn't want to, when I reminded him about "his readers" he often just got on and wrote it.  On the whole though he was very good, sometimes even doing a few in the day or starting it in the day and adding to it as the day went on.  I cant do that. The time Steve used for his mini updates was usually when I was driving, I'm driving so therefore cant. 

Today has been a busy sort of day.  I got up early and did a bit of stuff for work. I sent a few emails too sort of explaining my disappearance to a few people, I think they will understand, well, those that actually noticed I've not been around.

After that I was on a 'Steve mission'.  I ordered a keyring for myself a few weeks ago, a late night eBay shopping spree, basically a small vial or tube to put some of Steve's ashes in and keep in your pocket etc. There is it in blue with my keys.

They are made from aluninium so are very durable and, don't worry, I have superglued the screw top shut, just in case!  The idea came to me after I recalled a friend has something similar on his keys in which he has a recreational drug, for emergency use.  Nothing sinister, just a Viagra... I have no idea, (and no desire to establish), whether it is his own prescription or acquired via another source.  A great idea I thought (and no, I won't say who).

Anyway, I showed his Mum and she liked them so we ordered more.  Well, it was my job to fill them today, and yes, again I glued the lids on!  I delivered them to her tonight, she's happy with them and his Dad is happy with his too so thats all good.

I spent the evening with Steve's parents, really just talking about Steve.  It was good to chat.  It's really the first time I have had a chance to speak to his Dad properly since the funeral.  He seems well and, even though I know he is still hurting from the loss too; he seems to have adjusted pretty well.  We spoke about all sorts including the legacy Steve wanted to leave, as I said, it was good to talk.

On returning home this evening I have done very little, I chatted to my Mum for a bit and have since been sat here at the PC.  I think bed is calling soon.  I have loads I want to do tomorrow.  The days just whizz past.

All in all it's not been a bad day.  I'm missing Steve loads right now though.  Being in Oldham today, somewhere I have only ever been with Steve before, (not least because I /We had no reason to go there other than to see his family),  it has been like a series of pin pricks, just small jabs at my sub conscious I guess, or like a child tugging at your trouser leg, just a nagging reminder.

To say I am "missing him" is not expressive enough, I'm not going to try tonight either.  I'm off to bed, it's cold and lonely without Steve there but I'm getting used to it.  Also, in addition to my thick feather duvet  I have a fleece throw on the bed too, I don't seem to be able to get warm enough in bed.  We used to just have a sheet, even in deepest winter as Steve and I were always warm.... like I said though, I'm getting used to it.

Goodnight x

Decisions Decisions....

I really am trying hard to get back in to the swing of writing a blog on a daily basis.  I suppose if I am honest I became aware that my posts were being "monitored", I don't mean by my/our usual readers but "other" so it sort of put me off but now I realise that I cannot be criticised for expressing my feelings, opinions or facts, feelings and opinions are fine and as long as everything else is fact then that's fine.  In case you are sat there wondering "is it me?" the chances are that the answer is no, sorry.

Anyway, today I spent the most part of the morning on the phone, I spoke to a fried first, she has someone dear to her in the latter stages of cancer, it is so sad and it is easy to feel helpless because that's what you are.  It is so hard knowing you can't do anything other than wait for mother nature to take it's course, and hope it is swift.  I suppose we didn't have to suffer it for long, Steve's passing was relatively quick, it feels uncaring to see it 'written' down but until you experience it then you can't condemn it.  I won't explain, it is too painful and would take too long and I won't enter into debate about it either.

After that my next phone call was very different, funny, interesting and exciting all in one call.  Needless to say though I spent the largest part of my morning chatting.

This afternoon I logged on to work, I reduced my emails from well over 1200 up around 700, it's like looking at a time capsule.  I had a few emails today though, well not today but I saw them today from around the time Steve died, they really took the wind out of my sails, unexpectedly nice emails which made me think again, not just about Steve but also about what I have lost.  Not just though what I have lost but what his family have lost, his friends and his colleagues too.

About this I feel selfish really.  I have thought about my loss and that of his family and my family but what about his friends.  The friends who used to turn to him for support now have no one. The friends who would turn to Steve for advice and who would share secrets with him, he never told me who or what but I know he was always there for his mates.  I would like to think they can count me as a reasonable stand in for Steve but I know I cannot replace him or their history together and nor would I want to.  I guess I just realised they miss him too.

This evening I have been distracted again, not a bad thing I suppose but with the TV on in the background I am conscious that I no longer laugh at things I used to, I don't remember the last time I properly laughed, laughing without inhibition or worrying whether it is appropriate.

I do remember a time when I did laugh though.  It was the day after Stephens brain surgery last year.  Steve and I had booked tickets for a show in Bury, it's an LGBT event and we bought tickets for a friend and his hubby as a birthday present.  There was a local comedian, another comedian and some singers.  It was a good night despite everything else.  I wasn't going to go as it was the day after Steves surgery. He wanted me to go so I made a deal, I went to see him in the afternoon and depending on how well he was would depend on whether I went or not.  When I saw him in the afternoon he had made huge improvements from the previous night so I agreed to go.  

My parents went to see Steve that night and were amazed how well he was. He was discharged the following afternoon so that shows how quickly he made progress.  Major brain surgery on Wednesday and sent home with 36 surgical staples in his head on Friday.  That puts me in mind of another story though but I won't go in to it just now.

Anyway the show is on again this year, the same local comedian /compere and a few others, not sure if I can bring myself to go.  I want to as I had a really great laugh last year, the type of laughing which hurts your sides.  I am sure this year will be as funny but, (and there always seems to be a but), it is on the anniversary of Steve being given 12to 18 months to live.  I don't  know how I will feel.  I know Steve would want me to go again but I really don't know.  Here's the link: (not sure why the hyperlink won't work)

http://themet.biz/event/not_the_only_gays_in_the_village/1108/

It's a tough decision.  I don't want a Harry Potter repeat though where I sob all the way through but, I know there are a whole heap on anniversaries to come.  I really don't know.  I want to..... but I don't.......

No point in stressing about a decision now anyway, I'd need to see who else is up for going so I can think about it another time.  It's bed time now.

Goodnight,
Mark xXx

Must try harder...

Yes I have done my thousand lines saying “I must try harder to blog daily”. Maybe it will work who knows but I am not going to stress about it. I am trying not to stress about a lot of stuff lately but I don’t always win but I always try.

Since I wrote last not a lot has changed, I am sure lots has happened but nothing has changed much. The whole of last week seems a blur really, I am not sure if that’s a good or bad thing but it just is what it is.

On Tuesday Steve’s mum visited as usual, she told me about wanting to throw a party for Steve’s 33rd birthday next year. I’m not convinced. Steve wanted a 33rd birthday party as it would have been significant. Significant because it would mark one month more than the max 18 month prognosis he was given. To have his party without him there seems to me to be rubbing salt into the wound, it would be confirming the doctors right as in he wouldn’t live beyond 18 months, in reality he only just scraped through 9 months. I’m not sure what will happen on that, it’s not for me to say, I’m not comfortable with a party per se but then I don’t have to go. I had planned however to go to a little hotel we found via a recommendation H gave to us, it’s a fun and quirky place, (a bit like Steve) so I might just take myself off there with a few people to drink a quiet toast to Steve, the place is called La Rosa Hotel in Whitby, http://www.larosa.co.uk/hotel/index.html it seems like fun.

On Friday the people from work came to see me again. It is so stressful when they come. I don’t know why, I don’t even understand why but it just is. I want to go back to work but right now the thought of it makes my stomach churn. I guess in part I am concerned that if I go back too soon I could have a meltdown at a wholly inappropriate time or snap at someone I ought not to and end up doing myself and work a dis-service. I am not sure they understand that fully but, I have logged on to my work email today from home to see what’s there.

I didn’t get much work done, because I have over 1200 emails to sort through my mailbox is majorly over limit so I had to wade through some old stuff and delete that first to sort of free up some space. I read a few emails though, I got before I left on the Friday before Steve died, ready for me to sort on the Monday and then a few in the following week where life went on regardless of him lying dying in an intensive care unit.

It felt odd, almost like it was me that had died. I felt like I did when I sorted through Steve’s stuff, almost like trespassing or spying, and these are MY emails.... I logged off after a while; it was making me feel sick so I thought it best to leave it for now.

When people used to say to me “Oh it made me feel sick” I thought it always referred to more of a psychological thing as opposed to a physical symptom but, lately I have come to realise that physical sick feeling exists and it has become all too common in recent weeks and months.

This weekend I have avoided people mainly. Saturday I went out for a run in the car, I went to look at a craft shop, it was stupidly expensive and no real great ideas there. I drove around for a bit but came home not spending any money and having not spoken to anyone. Just the way I wanted it I guess.

Yesterday was a little more positive. I spent the whole day in the garage sorting stuff out. It had become our dressing room whilst we were performing, costumes and props etc all over the place but now it is just full of all sorts. Some of the stuff is things we bought months ago, for new hobbies or ideas we had, they still need to be done and I will do eventually but, there is also a lot of old stage props and bits of costumes out there which need sorting too. I did sort quite a bit though, some useable stuff sidelined for a friend who also performs and makes his own costumes as he can make good use of the stuff there and other bits sidelined for other people too.

I also binned a lot of stuff, costumes and props etc which would have continued to be fine for Steve and to use but no good to anyone else or to sell. I threw hundreds of pounds worth of advertising literature in the bin too, sad but they all had Steve’s number on and as they are for “Trouble” then there will be no future need for them either. It’s sad to see all that money wasted.

In the garage too was all Steve’s coursework for the management course he did last year before he got sick and the current stuff he had been working on when he had to stop work. It was so difficult going through that stuff. Every piece of paper was like a little pin prick to my heart as almost every page had his name on, just seeing his name in print so many times in quick succession sort of took the wind out of my sails. I have decided though. I have kept some of the documents, his certificates and some feedback from others about him, (it’s nice to see how much his staff thought of him), and I have decided the rest will be shredded and made into paper bricks for the fire when we move to a boat. Steve would approve of the “green-ness” of it. Turning unwanted paper into fuel to heat the boat.

The boat at the moment seems to be a million miles away, we haven’t got a buyer for the house yet, I think we will reduce the price further in the coming weeks. I think we all just want out and a fresh start. I really think this house though; being so close to the hospital would make a great house for a developer or for a landlord. With five bedrooms, (potentially a sixth or seventh if one of the lounges and the attic were converted), then this would be great to let out to nurses or young doctors working at the teaching hospital at the end of our road. Each room could be let out for £500 ish a month and the mortgage would only be around £1,000 even if a tiny deposit was paid so there is decent potential for profit if someone has the right approach. I know it is something we could look at too but, Steve and I had just planned to sever ties with the house so that’s what I will do as apart from Steve dying, nothing else has changed.

Anyway, after spending the majority of the day outside, (or at least till 7pm ish). I then came in and cooked some food for myself then went and ironed the bed linen I had washed and dried yesterday. I cleaned and vac’d the bedroom and put the fresh linen on then shower and snuggle in my dressing gown watching an old film, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Adventures_of_Priscilla,_Queen_of_the_Desert it is a great feel good film and Steve and I would always enjoy a Sunday evening with a film. Well, by the time I had done everything it was 10.30 before I got to start the film but I enjoyed it.

I have been thinking today though how bad I have been lately in keeping in touch with people. I have hardly spoken to anyone for a few weeks. I really ought to make more of an effort and I will, just as soon as I can.

I’m going to sign off for now, I might do a further update later but maybe not. I know I posted an update here over the weekend too, I hope you liked it, http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-can-it-be.html I saw it whilst online and it really made me think. I still miss Steve more and more with each passing minute. It’s not getting easier to deal with but I suppose I am getting more used to how it feels. Difficult to explain but I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.

Until next time xxx Mark xxx

How can it be...?

How Can it Be?

In a world so big
how can it be that one person
can be missed so much

So many memories to cherish
but how can it be
that thinking of them hurts too much

Though the days are bright and the skies are blue
how can it be
that the sun just doesn't shine any more

The sun doesn't shine
because you are gone,
gone but not forgotten

Never to see you smile again
to touch your face or hold your hand.
How can it be?

You are in my dreams
and I talk to you,
but how can that be enough

Every night I look
for the brightest star in the sky
and wonder is that you

They say it was your time to go
but how can it be
that someone needed you more than we do

One day the hurt may fade
one day the tears may stop,
but not today.

You were more than just a Husband
you were a friend, an inspiration, a hero.
So how can it be you are gone

A day of thinking

This has not been a bad thing, the thinking has all been about someone. Else's project, someone elsess business idea and someone else's headache and excitement really but, let's start with yesterday.

As you know weekends have really been the toughest part of the week for me, those were the times Steve and I would find fun and interesting things to do, sometimes just shopping or doing nothing but it was with steve so being without him has made then extremely hard.

Yesterday I got up and wondered what to do. I looked at the weather and it was raining so a day out with the camera seemed off limits so I pondered, all this before getting out of bed.

I finally got up and decided I would have a day being creative, I decided some sewing was in order. I finally settled on making a handbag for a friend. It's. Up cycled (new word for recycled) from all sorts of stuff but I spent the largest part of the day on it. It was good distraction therapy because whilst I did think about steve I was too busy to get emotional. It was good therapy really. After that I made a necklace and did a few other things too so all in all a. Very creative day. I spent some time online last night but nothing to speak of so it was off to bed at a reasonable time.

Today I got up and phoned work because they had asked me to call today, I sorted a few other things then showered and got dressed. A friend came for lunch, I made a fish risotto which was lovely then we sat and chatted about her ideas. The plans are huge but, they look achievable as each element of the big idea is quite manageable for her. It looks exciting. We also spoke about a new accolade she has been awarded and how it can be 'used', again this all sounds very "cloak and dagger" but I guess this isn't really the right place to publicise her plans, although her 'thing' is public I don't feel my blog is the right place for it.... I think will understand my reasoning... I. Hope.

This evening I have been speaking to T at BT Buddies about the Corrie storyline about Brain Tumours, its a difficult topic and we each have thoughts on how it could be done better but, the main thing is that the story is running and it is raising awareness and that is all that matters.

Well it is almost bed time here for me, I have been reading a few blogs about brain tumours tonight, I wish I could stop them all as nobody should have to go through what I am going through now and what Steve and I went trough since September, I can't though and it hurts.

Well tomorrow is a new day, I am tying to keep on this upward slope of being OK so fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

An absent neutral week

I know I have been lacking in the blog area this week. Perhaps my mind has been am little absent too. It's not been a significant week, neither significantly good or significantly bad just a collection of days.


That's not meant negatively but maybe neutrally. That's probably the best explanation for my mood the last week and I am ok with it, it is better than being on the roller coaster. Don't get me wrong I have had a few 'moments' this week but that's ok.

On Tuesday this week J came and stopped, we went out for lunch and we wandered around the shops, we each bought just one item so hardly a huge spree but it was the first time I have been to a busy shopping area since Steve died so it can be seen as a step forward.

On Wednesday I didn't get up to much, I was going to venture out with the camera and did set off in the car but came home, I just didn't feel like it.

Thursday was again a bit of a quiet day but H came to see me in the eve and we had a good old natter. Also, if you remember me asking you to say a prayer or send healing thoughts for a friends nephew well it's her nephew. I am pleased to say he is doing ok, he is not fully recovered but he is out of intensive care so he is heading in the right direction. He's only 13 so please keep sending all your positive thoughts etc to Luke xxx

Friday was not so bad either, I had an appointment in the afternoon so I got up and had a leisurely morning then went to see G afterwards. It's not all good there either unfortunately, N's Dad is poorly, he has been for some time but he is in hospital again and the whole family are concerned. I feel for them a lot as they have seen Steve go through his journey and have watched me struggle with him dying and now they have this on top. It's not fair but life seldom is, and don't I know it.

Last night I was up until really late, in fact till the early hours of this morning chatting on the phone, it was a good to talk though, we were discussing ideas for raising awareness of brain tumours, I did a couple of pictures this week for #braintumourthursday on twitter, just some pics of Steve but with a hard hitting message.

They may seem harsh, I had a long think before, during and after I did them but, I decided if they stop someone and make them think then they have done their job and Steve would be pleased to know he has helped raise awareness of this cruel disease, I've recently learned of a few children with the same disease. It sickens me to know what those families will be going through now and at some point in the future.

Today has not been too bad. I got up late, not late considering I was awake until after 4am but later than usual. I showered and went in to town. I only needed to bank a cheque and post a letter. The bank was shut and I had missed the last post for today for the letter but it will go on Monday.

I thought about having a look around the shops, I went in and wandered about for a bit but came away empty handed. I realised there is nothing I need to buy or want to buy so I came home empty handed.

I had a call this afternoon from a friend about something else she has been working on, it will be great news but she has to keep it a secret for now so I will too but, eventually you will know ALL as it really is good news.

This evening I have sat here alone, not doing anything in particular but, as the weekends have been the most difficult bits of my week then I think I am doing ok so far, I'm not on a downer, that's not due to alcohol anaesthetic either as I haven't had any but it is just because I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope nobody turns it off before I get near the end!

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, loads to do but the weather and my motivation when I wake up will no doubt decide for me.  Here's another pic I did, you can see why the debate with myself, hard hitting and hopefully they can be used to raise awareness of brain tumours for http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/

Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

I know I have been lacking in the blog area this week. Perhaps my mind has been am little absent too.  It's not been a significant week, neither significantly good or significantly bad just a collection of days.

That's not meant negatively but maybe neutrally.  That's probably the best explanation for my mood the last week and I am ok with it, it is better than being on the roller coaster.  Don't get me wrong I have had a few 'moments' this week but that's ok.

on Tuesday this week J came and stopped, we went out for lunch and we wandered around the shops, we each bought just one item so hardly a huge spree but it was the first time I have been to a busy shopping area since Steve died so it can be seen as a step forward.

On Wednesday I didn't get up to much, I was going to venture out with the camera and did set off in the car but came home, I just didn't feel like it.

Thursday was again a bit of a quiet day but H came to see me in the eve and we had a good old natter.  Also, if you remember me asking you to say a prayer or send healing thoughts for a friends nephew well it's her nephew.  I am pleased to say he is doing ok, he is not fully recovered but he is out of intensive care so he is heading in the right direction.  He's only 13 so please keep sending all your positive thoughts etc to Luke xxx

Friday was not so bad either, I had an appointment in the afternoon so I got up and had a leisurely morning then went to see G afterwards.  It's not all good there either unfortunately, N's Dad is poorly, he has been for some time but he is in hospital again and the whole family are concerned.  I feel for them a lot as they have seen Steve go through his journey and have watched me struggle with him dying and now they have this on top.  It's not fair but life seldom is, and don't I know it.

Last night I was up until really late, in fact till the early hours of this morning chatting on the phone, it was a good to talk though, we were discussing ideas for raising awareness of brain tumours, I did a couple of pictures this week for #braintumourthursday on twitter, just some pics of Steve but with a hard hitting message.  

They may seem harsh, I had a long think before, during and after I did them but, I decided if they stop someone and make them think then they have done their job and Steve would be pleased to know he has helped raise awareness of this cruel disease, I've recently learned of a few children with the same disease.  It sickens me to know what those families will be going through now and at some point in the future.

Today has not been too bad.  I got up late, not late considering I was awake until after 4am but later than usual.  I showered and went in to town.  I only needed to bank a cheque and post a letter.  The bank was shut and I had missed the last post for today for the letter but it will go on Monday.

I thought about having a look around the shops, I went in and wandered about for a bit but came away empty handed.  I realised there is nothing I need to buy or want to buy so I came home empty handed.

I had a call this afternoon from a friend about something else she has been working on, it will be great news but she has to keep it a secret for now so I will too but, eventually you will know ALL as it really is good news.

This evening I have sat here alone, not doing anything in particular but, as the weekends have been the most difficult bits of my week then I think I am doing ok so far, I'm not on a downer, that's not due to alcohol anaesthetic either as I haven't had any but it is just because I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope nobody turns it off before I get near the end!

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, loads to do but the weather and my motivation when I wake up will no doubt decide for me. Here are a few of the pictures I mentioned though, you might see why I had to debate with myself....



Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

Because I knew you...

I know it's been a few days, I will update more later but for now please take a look at this video I was sent today.  It could be viewed as an "open letter" to Steve, after all I am who I am today Because I knew you...

Lost

Thats how I have felt this weekend.  yesterday was a lovely day weather wise but not really for me.

After writing my blog in the morning I showered and then took the car for a wash, I cam home and polished it, more for something to pass the time than anything, it certainly didn;t really need it but it killed a few hours.

After that I sat here at the computer, not really doing much.  I sort of snapped myself into action around 6ish and decided to go out, I called to see friends but they were out, I sort of guessed they were and I was perhaps glad they were, I would have been crap company I guess but I wanted to be out of the house.  I went for a walk instead around the waterside near The Lowry centre and Media City UK.  I took the camera, my "justify walking on your own" tool.

When I got home I had  something to eat and then returned to the computer.  Again, another way to opt out of watching TV or talking to people.  I just felt low I suppose.  The events of last week with work has really got to me and in a way I suppose unsettled me, I am feeling like i'm being rushed into putting Stephen aside and moving on.  I know I need to find a new normal ASAP but pushy attitudes havent helped, I guess it will sort itself out in the end.

I ended up going to bed early, midnight is early for me lately.  As a result I was awake before 7 this morning, I lay in bed reading on the internet via the phone.

Today has been another low day though.  I didn't want it to be.  I wanted it to be productive sorting things for the move (whenever it is) and, this morning I finished customising a shirt for a friend that I promised to do long before Steve died. 

After that is was shower and dressed then I decided to get a load of stuff we're clearing on to eBay, (I still say We even though it's really just Me now - old habits etc...).  I procrastinated for ages, finally I did it though and got almost 60 listings on today. 

I have had no less than 4 invites out to lunch today, sadly I declined them all. I wasn't being mean but I didn't feel sociable, I knew I would be rubbish company and my friends asked because they care, they don't need to have their day blackened by the big cloud I have been dragging around all day.  I did have a genuine excuse though, the stuff that went on eBay today was photographed before Steve died so again, it's about time I caught up.

I sort of guess if I get "My" stuff sorted, the eBay etc then I can apply the same methodology to work and getting back to it.  I don't know if it will work but I guess one of my concerns about work is that when I am back I won't have time to settle back in, it'll mean hitting the ground running, I think up to now I have managed a walk and thats it..... I'd feel lost there too, long story but I guess no small part of it is that it is incredibly difficult for a gay guy to "fit in" within a hetro environment.... (and not even metro-hetro at that), it's never bothered me before but right now I feel vulnerable so it's daunting, the pressure just serves to confirm my concerns.

This evening I have spoken the T via email, she's a gem and has sent me the lyrics to a song I was told about before Steve's funeral, the song is lovely but here is an excerpt of the words....

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

It has struck a chord with me, it did the first time I heard it and again, hearing this has set me off again.  I guess it's time for bed.  One soggy pillow coming right up...