Sporadic updates...

I'm not going to bother apologising; sporadic blogs seem to just be the “norm” at the moment.

Since I wrote last there has been a real mix of feelings, thoughts, emotions and all those other external factors that shape them.

On Thursday I had to go to the Doctors, this time for some jabs, not sure what for, I don’t recall but, I had a reminder from Steve’s diary that they were needed and the docs knew what I needed so that’s all good. Apparently whatever it was I had is now not needed for 20 years, so I suppose it was worth doing.

When I got back from the docs I tried to find something to busy myself, my mind wasn’t in the right place for work so I didn’t log on, I am listening more to myself now and I am getting good at spotting my stress triggers, well, some of them.Instead I got creative and painted a chair, I actually did three.

One is Gold and I have done another two in a rose gold colour, they look ok painted but, here is the pic of “before”...

(sorry I can't find how to rotate it, but you get the idea...)

I didn’t do much else on Thursday. It was good to get busy being creative though, it required very little thought and made me focus on something positive.

On Friday I got up and took a trip out to the warehouse, I just needed a few things for my next creative splurge. When I got back I continued to work on the chair I had started on Friday. It was again a great distraction as I had been feeling a little flat.

I was pleased with the finished look though and have now decided that it will become my new chair for my home office, why shouldn’t it look a little bling? Below is the picture of the “after”,

as I said I was pleased with it and am not really bothered if anyone else likes it. I guess that is a benefit of being “single”, I can do what I want when I want how I want and have nobody else to please but, I know for sure Steve would love the chair too. It’s in our bedroom until I get rid of the current chair I have at my desk.

On Friday evening I got creative making bits of jewellery, just another thing I am enjoying at the moment. Again, it is pure distraction therapy; I got so engrossed in it I was up until after 3am meddling with that.

Yesterday was another odd day. Weekends seem to be, (and since Steve died have always been), very difficult and the hardest parts of the week. I feel more lonely at weekends, even when I am with other people I feel lonely as I just keep feeling like something is missing. I know it is not something, it is someone, but either way that missing feeling is impossible to shake at weekends.

I ventured out in the morning to the fabric shop for inspiration to cover the two rose gold chairs. I saw some nice Chinese fabric but it was not the colour I wanted, it was very nice though.

After spending hours looking at fabric I decided that nothing was right and that I will use the black velvet I already have and I will embroider some design on there to make it different. I will post pictures of those when they are done too.

Last night, after watching the start of Freak Factor, (otherwise known as X Factor), I decided to sort the large spare room. There has been quite a lot of stuff in there until recently which is all making its way to new owners via eBay. I decided I would sort it ready for N coming later this week.

Aside from it being necessary it was a better use of time than sitting in front of freak factor and losing a whole evening.

After that I came to my desk to write my blog. I failed, I got to two paragraphs and I kept yawning so much my eyes were streaming so I gave up and went to bed, (where I promptly spent over an hour on the iPad looking at stuff I have no use for on the internet.

This morning was a lazy one, just spent in front of the computer. A friend called around for a coffee and a chat and now he’s gone I have decided to update you on where I’m at. Whilst doing this I have been inspired to go and finish sorting the spare room too so, that’s where I’m heading.

Till next time,
Mark

and so to bed...

Almost. I was going to head off then remembered I didn;t do a blog yesterday and haven't done one today so I guess I ought to write.

I'll start with yesterday.  Not a bad day really, I got up early and took the old car back to the garage, I wasn't sad to see it go at all, like I said before it signified Cancer to Steve and, since he had said that it did to me too.  We only had a big car in case he needed to fit a wheelchair or scooter in etc.  Anyway, enough of that, it's gone and, whilst it was a good car etc I had no complaints of it at all I am still not sad to see it go.

When I got home the postman had been and brought the decal I had ordered for the new car on Thursday evening, a pretty rapid response I reckon so I was very happy.

I loaded the car with a few bits for the charity shop, the eBay stuff which needed to be posted, yep, I am still plodding on with Steve's eBay empire although a lot slower than I was before but I am sure I will find the motivation soon once other things have fallen in to place also.

Once all sorted off I went, I took the camera as I wanted to picture the car on grass, I think cars look nice with a grassy backdrop but, the parks I chose had events on and, long story short I didn't get to find a grassy area so I went for an 'urban' look instead, the pics are below:

I did of course take a picture of the decal too, I had decided to give the car a name on Thursday evening and seeing as the car has so much attitude I decided it could only have one name..... what do you think?

It made me smile and I think it is appropriate too and I am sure Steve would also.  After this I came home and started working on filling out a few forms.  I'd received a text from G telling me he'd be picking me up at 7.30 to go for dinner and drinks at theirs.  I didn't argue.  It's so much easier when someone else makes decisions, normally I'd not like or let people make decisions for me nut at the moment i am sort of going with the flow where possible.  Now you know why I didn't blog.  I was collected at 7.30 and didn;t leave their house until 3am, I walked home and got home about 3.40 ish, off to bed then for a snooze with no blog, sorry!

Today has been another busy day.  Up this morning and finishing off my forms.  When those were done I sorted the spare room, the eBay room, T is coming tomorrow for a few days so I needed to at least make it so she can get to the bed. 

After that I finished a scrapbook I had in mind for Steve's Granny, it had lots of pictures in but not only of Steve but his stage alter ego too.  Granny loved the cabaret stuff, we performed for the residents at her wardened flats a a few times in the communal lounge.  they all loved it and she was always really proud to be stood there, all 4ft something of her next to Steve's 7ft something, (complete with high heels and wig), and introducing her Grandson to her friends, the fact he was wearing a sequin gown and a huge amount of bling never bothered her.

Once that was done I got showered and set off for Granny's place.  It was nice to see her, she was really pleased with the scrapbook and she could tell which numbers Steve was performing from the costumes.  I was pleased she liked it so much.

I was going to call in on Steve's Uncle on the way back but, judging by the cars on the drive he had company so I thought it best not to call in unannounced.  I'll go and see him soon but I didn't want to interrupt.

This evening I have been busy sorting paperwork again, I had a long conversation with J after he finished work around 11.30pm and then just finished the last few bits before I though of heading to bed..... until I remembered to do this of course.

All in all it's not been a bad weekend, I have managed to go now 5 whole days which have all been pretty good.  I'm not counting chickens before they are hatched but I hope to see more good days coming around the corner.

Not sure if tomorrow will be a good day though.  i received a call on Saturday from Christies Hospital where Steve was admitted initially.  The critical care unit have been in touch to say they have a bag of Steve's possessions there which need to be collected.  It will be his washbag and pyjamas etc but the thought of going back to 'that' hospital and 'that' ward where we received SO much bad news in such a short space of time is very daunting.

I also have Steve's computer here which his works brought in for him to work from home, I think I will take that back tomorrow too.  They are only little things I guess but they are still significant markers on the route to finding a new normal.  I'm not going to worry about it for now, it's bed time and I have nice clean crisp sheets to get in to.... mmmm I love that feeling.

Goodnight and see you tomorrow.
Mark