Here goes for a biggie....

This sporadic blogging is more difficult as I have to remember stuff but I have had a busy few days.


On Wednesday last week a friend arrived and stayed for a few days which is nice. It's good to sit and chat with no agenda.

On Thursday we had a few things to do. I called in to work to show someone else around the centre to show how it can be used for fundraising for other charities. On Thursday evening we went to see some other friends and were treated to a Jamaican banquet, it was lovely and the evening just ran away with us before we knew it, it was approaching midnight.

On Friday I packed up the car for my road trip to Scotland, it was full to bursting with all sorts including a sewing machine and fabric as I have been roped in to a bedroom makeover whilst away. It will be nice though to help with that.

We set off from home at 13.30 but we were still quite local at 16.30 as we did a bit of shopping en route, the traffic reports were rubbish so we were in no rush however, by the time we got to wherever the jams were, they had cleared so it was nice to have a clear run.

We stayed in Carlisle on Friday night and after a lovely dinner we sat and chatted for quite some time. Of course Steve Featured greatly in the conversation.

On Saturday we were in Glasgow, we called in to a Scottish national trust property but there was no parking available within any reasonable distance so we drove on. Travelling with a disabled friend really does make you see how difficult the simplest of things can be. It was similar travelling with Steve, simple things like parking a little closer to wherever we needed to be or taking the lift instead of the stairs really made a difference to how long Steve could spend out and about before becoming incredibly tired, ah the joys of cancer treatments eh.

We did go for a short walk though along the river just to meddle with the camera and take some pictures, it was too windy to stay out for long though.

On Sunday we made our way north to Oban where we boarded the ferry for Mull. The crossing was a little choppy but nothing too bad. It was quite nice to sit back and let someone else 'drive' for a bit.

When we got to Mull I really did get a bit of a surprise. Most of the roads there are single track, not usually a bad thing but the condition of the roads are such that not only are you watching out for the availability of passing places for the oncoming cars but also watching out for huge potholes, (think the vicar of dibley disappearing in the puddle), and it's not even like you can just drive a little off the road as there is often a 12 inch (or more) drop either side of the road or in some cases a cliff! It certainly was a different driving experience but, by the time I was leaving the island I had got used to a different style of driving and actually enjoyed the trip back to the ferry.

The friend I stayed with has a lovely little cottage, it really is little but, more than big enough for one or for a couple, I was surprised to learn the previous occupants had been a family of four. Dervaig is a tiny little village but has a little shop, a post office and a pub so what else do you need? It's on the main bus route to Tobermory (Balamory) too so it's quite convenient.

On Sunday evening we visited the local pub for dinner, it was lovely and extremely busy, surprisingly so actually, the Belachroy is apparently the oldest continually inhabited building on the island dating back to the 1600's. As well as being a locals pub it is also a hotel and restaurant and have a lovely menu on offer.

On Monday we went to Tobermory, it is so picturesque and just like you see in many a postcard etc. We had a lovely afternoon wandering around the shops there, as it's the islands main shopping area they have everything from a bookshop to a chandlery a hardware store to a distillery. They seem to cram a huge amount of stuff in to each shop. I guess the main difference is that the selection is limited. By that I mean when you go to your local supermarket you may get several choices of brand for the same product, on the island there may only be one brand or at most two so, choice is limited and, because there is no competition, they can charge way over the odds, in some cases two or three times as much as on the mainland. I am sure there are other factors that influence that too but it really is noticeable, as an example petrol is around 20p per litre more than on the mainland.... As a minimum! In fact even in Oban which is on the mainland the fuel was 12p per litre more expensive than it was nearer to Glasgow.

We stayed in Tobermory for a late lunch too, at the side of the harbour there is a fish and chip van. The fish they sell comes in straight from the fishermans boat first thing in the morning and is then prepped and sold the same afternoon. It was lovely and, it had a lovely and different taste, the fish really tasted fresh and you could taste the sea.... I am not sure that makes sense but I know what I mean, slightly salty but delicious and the chips were lovely too. We sat at the harbour with our lunch and chatted a little. It was difficult though.

Every mouthful seemed difficult to swallow. All I could think about was Steve. When our friend has posted in her blog about sitting at the harbour with fish and chips many months ago Steve commented that he was looking forward to doing the very same thing. A simple pleasure but, that was Steve, he didn't need flash restaurants etc he just appreciated good food. I miss him and I miss cooking for him too, I loved experimenting with food and he was always keen to try whatever I had concocted. I've never made fish and chips as nice as that though and I know Steve would have thoroughly enjoyed sitting there with us.

On Tuesday we headed back in to Tobermory briefly to pick something up then went for a drive. We drove to Calgary, a beach on the island with lovely light sand and a beautiful view out to sea. On the way we saw some highland cows so stopped for some pictures. They really are quite something but, they are quite scary too. When they are stood in the middle of the road those big and pointy horns sort of stop you getting impatient and blasting your horn at them as their horns can do more damage than mine!

At the beach there is a small campsite there and it is where Steve and I were supposed to be camping when we visited the island. It was the last trip we planned together and we had finalised details just the week before he died. He was so looking forward to it, we even went to look at a new tent for the trip on the Saturday before he died. It was such a lovely place and it was difficult not being able to share what I was seeing with Steve, even though I know many will say "he was there with you", it's not the same as being able to turn to him and see the look on his face or feel his hand in mine as we walk along the beach.

The beach really was lovely though and I took some pictures, I wrote in the sand for Steve, it was difficult being there. There were just a few people around, my friend was there too but I had wandered off alone up the beach to be with my thoughts. I'd have given anything to have Steve with me there and then, I still would.

On Wednesday we had a chilled out day and did very little, it was nice to relax and, it was also nice not to have a phone signal, oddly it was nice to feel that little bit of freedom of being away from it all. Steve used to like that too, just knowing that the phone wouldn't ring at all. I know we could turn the phone off but, that feels different. Being in an area which means you are not contactable is different to choosing to turn the phone off. Perhaps it was just us, (and me now), but I think I will have to start doing that, ditching the phone and having time out away from it all.

On Thursday I headed back to the mainland. I got the ferry to Oban and had a wander around. Even though it is on the mainland it is still stupidly overpriced, I guess just because I live in the city where everything is so accessible I don't always appreciate what it takes to get goods etc to these remote places.

Thursday was a particularly tough day though. Leaving Mull and driving alone I just cried. There was so much lovely scenery, driving along the lochs, the mountains, and just lovely scenery but nobody there to share it with. The ferry journey was difficult too, looking out to sea all I could think of was Steve, he had not been far from my thoughts throughout the whole time as it was something he and I were supposed to do together which is why I went. I am glad I did and I knew it would be difficult but it was tougher than I imagined.

When I got the the mainland my messages came though, I have still not read most but I received an email from work, a shitty horrible email which annoyed me and upset me in equal measure. It is clear they have no idea and no appreciation of how I may be feeling right now. They are putting a lot of pressure on me telling me how urgent it is that I go back to work because they need me. It's nice to feel wanted but they really are making me feel worse. I am going back tom work on Thursday and I have told them this so that's another reason why I find the pressure difficult tom cope with.

I replied to the email explaining how I am feeling pressured and stressed by them and got another back on Friday which had the same insensitive, demanding and slightly menacing tone. I wouldn't wish how I feel on anyone as it is horrible but I just wish they could understand. It seems the only people who do understand are those who have also lost their partner, husband or wife.

On Friday night I stayed in Glasgow, I did venture out but ended up in my room with a bottle of wine for company and the TV, I had had a shitty day so it was what I needed.

On Saturday I had a wander around Glasgow, nothing exciting to report there. I then made my way toward Kilmarnock which was supposed to be the next stopping point on Steve and my road trip. As it was early I drove further on to Prestwick and parked up. I made a few phone calls I had been meaning to do for a while and had a wander through the town. After that I decided to walk along the esplanade and down on to the beach again, more thinking time listening to the sea crashing on the rocks.

I walked along the beach and took a few pictures. On my way back I spoke to a friend I was due to stay with on Sunday night. To cut a long story short he convinced me I should make my way over to his a little earlier than planned. I don't think I needed a lot of convincing so, instead of driving the. 10 miles to my hotel I drove 180 miles to his house. Again it's somewhere Steve liked as there is no phone signal so we can legitimately switch off from the world.

On arrival I was greeted by a Martini, very much needed and appreciated. Prepared in the same way as taught by Dean Martin, 2 parts gin, 1 part martini and a splash of vodka, it was the perfect way to wind down after such a long drive. It was followed by a lovely meal and of course wine.

After a relaxing night on Saturday we headed out to Richmond to have a wander about the town. There were a few nice shops there but I didn't buy anything. Every time I pick something up I imagine what Steve would be saying, I won't say here what he would say as some people have got in to the habit of quoting Steve's sayings at me, inappropriately. I don't mind that so much but I hate it when they get it wrong or take it out of context so by keeping quiet I will not be providing tools with which to annoy me!

Anyway we headed home and had a lovely lunch, it was a late lunch or early dinner really but whichever it was it was lovely then, my friend had to go to work, so I tagged along.

I spent the evening sat in the bar of the hotel he works at. I only had a few drinks but was thoroughly entertained by some of the locals, one of the older ladies in particular had my sides aching with laughter. The first time I have properly laughed in many many months.

Today I set off at a reasonable time but, as I get quite tired of driving quite quickly I stopped off at two separate villages on the way home and had a wander around. Some lovely shops but again, I didn't buy anything, some lovely stuff there though but I guess in the main, most of my hesitation is down to us selling this place, I want new stuff in my new place, or at least new to me as I have seen some second hand or antique stuff I quite like the look of, not heirloom antiques though, just the sort I can modify, paint, tweak or adjust to suit my home.

I got home this evening and have chilled out a little. I feel drained from the journey but also emotionally drained because all I have done for the last week or so is think about Steve and churn things over and over and over again in my mind. I'm not complaining though, that's all I have of Steve now, my thoughts and memories. I said weeks ago I seem to miss him more each hour of each day, I thought there would be a point of saturation, I've not reached it yet, I still miss him more and more and more.

Well, I guess thats me done for now, the rest of the night will be spent relaxing and catching up.

Bye for now,
Mark

Sent from my iPad

Belachroy

Some good, some bad some better...

There seems to be so much to say, maybe not to say but so much going on in my head right now. Firstly, and most importantly, I want to say a huge THANK YOU publicly to all my friends, (and yeah, I include family in that too), I’m not going to say there is too many to list as there isn’t but, I don’t want to list people and forget someone so it’s just thank you to all OUR friends as they/you have all been great in the past few weeks and months to me and to Steve when he was alive. As you know we lost a few friends along the way, that wasn’t a bad thing, they hurt Steve and I’m relieved to not have to deal with them anymore, I realise now that they were not really friends.


Moving on, I mentioned yesterday I was planning to go in to work today. I did. I felt so stressed and nervous and not for any good reason really. I knew where I was going and the people I would see there. I can’t say I’m glad I went in as I still don’t feel “right” in myself. I guess as well as feeling vulnerable I feel I am volatile too. I’m not going in tomorrow but am planning on popping in on Thursday. I still feel I am being pushed more than encouraged but I suppose only time will tell where it ends up. I guess for now I just have to see what happens next.

On returning home I motivated myself to speak to the bank. I can honestly say I have never had a less pleasant conversation with anyone else since Steve died. She might as well have said “I don’t give a toss that your husband is dead”, she didn’t, but it would have been less offensive. That’s just another thing that I will need to sort in time.

The other thing that has been on my mind for much of the day today is a “dream” I had this morning. I say dream, in inverted commas as it felt like more than a dream, more of an experience. I know some will dismiss my ramblings as silly, some as nonsense and others may be intrigued but to be honest I really am not bothered about other people’s opinion.

Basically in my dream this morning I had what seemed like a lengthy discussion with Steve. He was lying behind me in bed with his arms around me and held me as I had done with him many many times before. I was cold, (which in itself is odd with a feather quilt and a fleecy throw on the bed) and he was trying to warm me.

I asked him if he was OK and whether he was happy and he seemed so. There were some things he couldn’t articulate and I couldn’t really fully grasp what he meant. The experience seemed to last for some time but it felt very real.

As I said more than a dream, so much so when I woke at 6.39AM I grasped at the space behind me to feel if Steve was there. Of course he wasn’t but, for a few seconds I was puzzled as to where he was.

Far from that being distressing or worrying it wasn’t, it was strangely comforting, more than comforting it was nice.

I don’t know why last night as opposed to any other and I don’t know if it was actually ‘just’ a dream but right now I don’t need an explanation, I just accept it.

I could ramble on some more but I am going to go to bed instead so will sign off. Hope to see you here again soon

Xx Mark xX

Robbed!

I have just had an exchange of texts with a friend and it has made me realise something quite strange and I will share it with you.

Even though it was Stephen who was diagnosed with Cancer last September and his fight with it ended in June of this year my fight with Cancer is continuing. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have not been diagnosed with Cancer and as far as I am aware I am well, apart from being overweight and not exercising enough I reckon I am OK but, my life is still being ruled by Cancer.

Simple things which I used to take for granted now take some consideration.  The thought of doing them makes me feel sick.  It’s difficult to explain but, what has triggered me off on this train of thought tonight is work, (again).

I received an email from them, basically letting me know what’s going on in work and asking me to go in at some point.  All that seems fair enough but the line “...it needs to start one way or the other”, has really got to me.  Yeah, I do need to go back to work, I know that, as I said before bills still need paying and you don’t get a cash windfall when your partner dies but I feel like I am being goaded in to work, like I have to succumb to their might.  In reality I have to, I have no choice and it tears me apart inside. 

What hurts more is what feels like a complete apathy toward my loss.  Yeah the words are right, but they are empty, they are regurgitated text book stuff because that’s what the HR handbook says they should say.  Maybe one day they will understand but, how many people will be made to feel like this before they do.

Cancer though is still making my life horrible.  Cancer has made me like this because Cancer is what caused Steve’s death. 

I shared something with my friend tonight which I had not considered before but, something she said crystallised the whole thing for me. 

Cancer has, in part, robbed me of my confidence.  I feel stupid at the thought but I feel it is true.  I used to be outgoing and cheerful etc but now I am not.  I plan to avoid busy places.  I go to the shop when it is quietest, I avoid people and situations and I also avoid the phone, not friends but I avoid paperwork type stuff, car insurance was done online to avoid speaking to people and telephone banking sends a shiver down my spine.

Before Steve died nothing bothered me, being alone they do, it sounds feeble, lame even but, that’s it, Cancer has changed me, changed me a lot. 

I will go in to the office tomorrow, the thought is making me feel sick and I feel strangely nervous, perhaps a little like the first day of school but I need to do it.  As I said I have no choice.  Cancer does that you know, it takes choices away. 

Cancer took Steve’s choices away and he hated that.  It took our choice to have a holiday away and it took our choice to socialise and lead a normal life away.

We lead as normal a life as possible but, we were stopped from doing things, seeing people and being carefree by limitations caused by medication, treatment, fatigue, infection risk and good old common sense.

I guess I ought to stop there, there is so much more to say but it won’t be beneficial to take the lid off those boxes and unleash the contents here so, until tomorrow.......

Goodnight,
Mark

Sporadic updates...

I'm not going to bother apologising; sporadic blogs seem to just be the “norm” at the moment.

Since I wrote last there has been a real mix of feelings, thoughts, emotions and all those other external factors that shape them.

On Thursday I had to go to the Doctors, this time for some jabs, not sure what for, I don’t recall but, I had a reminder from Steve’s diary that they were needed and the docs knew what I needed so that’s all good. Apparently whatever it was I had is now not needed for 20 years, so I suppose it was worth doing.

When I got back from the docs I tried to find something to busy myself, my mind wasn’t in the right place for work so I didn’t log on, I am listening more to myself now and I am getting good at spotting my stress triggers, well, some of them.Instead I got creative and painted a chair, I actually did three.

One is Gold and I have done another two in a rose gold colour, they look ok painted but, here is the pic of “before”...

(sorry I can't find how to rotate it, but you get the idea...)

I didn’t do much else on Thursday. It was good to get busy being creative though, it required very little thought and made me focus on something positive.

On Friday I got up and took a trip out to the warehouse, I just needed a few things for my next creative splurge. When I got back I continued to work on the chair I had started on Friday. It was again a great distraction as I had been feeling a little flat.

I was pleased with the finished look though and have now decided that it will become my new chair for my home office, why shouldn’t it look a little bling? Below is the picture of the “after”,

as I said I was pleased with it and am not really bothered if anyone else likes it. I guess that is a benefit of being “single”, I can do what I want when I want how I want and have nobody else to please but, I know for sure Steve would love the chair too. It’s in our bedroom until I get rid of the current chair I have at my desk.

On Friday evening I got creative making bits of jewellery, just another thing I am enjoying at the moment. Again, it is pure distraction therapy; I got so engrossed in it I was up until after 3am meddling with that.

Yesterday was another odd day. Weekends seem to be, (and since Steve died have always been), very difficult and the hardest parts of the week. I feel more lonely at weekends, even when I am with other people I feel lonely as I just keep feeling like something is missing. I know it is not something, it is someone, but either way that missing feeling is impossible to shake at weekends.

I ventured out in the morning to the fabric shop for inspiration to cover the two rose gold chairs. I saw some nice Chinese fabric but it was not the colour I wanted, it was very nice though.

After spending hours looking at fabric I decided that nothing was right and that I will use the black velvet I already have and I will embroider some design on there to make it different. I will post pictures of those when they are done too.

Last night, after watching the start of Freak Factor, (otherwise known as X Factor), I decided to sort the large spare room. There has been quite a lot of stuff in there until recently which is all making its way to new owners via eBay. I decided I would sort it ready for N coming later this week.

Aside from it being necessary it was a better use of time than sitting in front of freak factor and losing a whole evening.

After that I came to my desk to write my blog. I failed, I got to two paragraphs and I kept yawning so much my eyes were streaming so I gave up and went to bed, (where I promptly spent over an hour on the iPad looking at stuff I have no use for on the internet.

This morning was a lazy one, just spent in front of the computer. A friend called around for a coffee and a chat and now he’s gone I have decided to update you on where I’m at. Whilst doing this I have been inspired to go and finish sorting the spare room too so, that’s where I’m heading.

Till next time,
Mark

A busy day....

Here I am again, it must be 'that' time of night.  Its odd you know as I always used to remind Steve to do his blog before bed, most times he would and only sometimes he would say he didn't want to, when I reminded him about "his readers" he often just got on and wrote it.  On the whole though he was very good, sometimes even doing a few in the day or starting it in the day and adding to it as the day went on.  I cant do that. The time Steve used for his mini updates was usually when I was driving, I'm driving so therefore cant. 

Today has been a busy sort of day.  I got up early and did a bit of stuff for work. I sent a few emails too sort of explaining my disappearance to a few people, I think they will understand, well, those that actually noticed I've not been around.

After that I was on a 'Steve mission'.  I ordered a keyring for myself a few weeks ago, a late night eBay shopping spree, basically a small vial or tube to put some of Steve's ashes in and keep in your pocket etc. There is it in blue with my keys.

They are made from aluninium so are very durable and, don't worry, I have superglued the screw top shut, just in case!  The idea came to me after I recalled a friend has something similar on his keys in which he has a recreational drug, for emergency use.  Nothing sinister, just a Viagra... I have no idea, (and no desire to establish), whether it is his own prescription or acquired via another source.  A great idea I thought (and no, I won't say who).

Anyway, I showed his Mum and she liked them so we ordered more.  Well, it was my job to fill them today, and yes, again I glued the lids on!  I delivered them to her tonight, she's happy with them and his Dad is happy with his too so thats all good.

I spent the evening with Steve's parents, really just talking about Steve.  It was good to chat.  It's really the first time I have had a chance to speak to his Dad properly since the funeral.  He seems well and, even though I know he is still hurting from the loss too; he seems to have adjusted pretty well.  We spoke about all sorts including the legacy Steve wanted to leave, as I said, it was good to talk.

On returning home this evening I have done very little, I chatted to my Mum for a bit and have since been sat here at the PC.  I think bed is calling soon.  I have loads I want to do tomorrow.  The days just whizz past.

All in all it's not been a bad day.  I'm missing Steve loads right now though.  Being in Oldham today, somewhere I have only ever been with Steve before, (not least because I /We had no reason to go there other than to see his family),  it has been like a series of pin pricks, just small jabs at my sub conscious I guess, or like a child tugging at your trouser leg, just a nagging reminder.

To say I am "missing him" is not expressive enough, I'm not going to try tonight either.  I'm off to bed, it's cold and lonely without Steve there but I'm getting used to it.  Also, in addition to my thick feather duvet  I have a fleece throw on the bed too, I don't seem to be able to get warm enough in bed.  We used to just have a sheet, even in deepest winter as Steve and I were always warm.... like I said though, I'm getting used to it.

Goodnight x

Decisions Decisions....

I really am trying hard to get back in to the swing of writing a blog on a daily basis.  I suppose if I am honest I became aware that my posts were being "monitored", I don't mean by my/our usual readers but "other" so it sort of put me off but now I realise that I cannot be criticised for expressing my feelings, opinions or facts, feelings and opinions are fine and as long as everything else is fact then that's fine.  In case you are sat there wondering "is it me?" the chances are that the answer is no, sorry.

Anyway, today I spent the most part of the morning on the phone, I spoke to a fried first, she has someone dear to her in the latter stages of cancer, it is so sad and it is easy to feel helpless because that's what you are.  It is so hard knowing you can't do anything other than wait for mother nature to take it's course, and hope it is swift.  I suppose we didn't have to suffer it for long, Steve's passing was relatively quick, it feels uncaring to see it 'written' down but until you experience it then you can't condemn it.  I won't explain, it is too painful and would take too long and I won't enter into debate about it either.

After that my next phone call was very different, funny, interesting and exciting all in one call.  Needless to say though I spent the largest part of my morning chatting.

This afternoon I logged on to work, I reduced my emails from well over 1200 up around 700, it's like looking at a time capsule.  I had a few emails today though, well not today but I saw them today from around the time Steve died, they really took the wind out of my sails, unexpectedly nice emails which made me think again, not just about Steve but also about what I have lost.  Not just though what I have lost but what his family have lost, his friends and his colleagues too.

About this I feel selfish really.  I have thought about my loss and that of his family and my family but what about his friends.  The friends who used to turn to him for support now have no one. The friends who would turn to Steve for advice and who would share secrets with him, he never told me who or what but I know he was always there for his mates.  I would like to think they can count me as a reasonable stand in for Steve but I know I cannot replace him or their history together and nor would I want to.  I guess I just realised they miss him too.

This evening I have been distracted again, not a bad thing I suppose but with the TV on in the background I am conscious that I no longer laugh at things I used to, I don't remember the last time I properly laughed, laughing without inhibition or worrying whether it is appropriate.

I do remember a time when I did laugh though.  It was the day after Stephens brain surgery last year.  Steve and I had booked tickets for a show in Bury, it's an LGBT event and we bought tickets for a friend and his hubby as a birthday present.  There was a local comedian, another comedian and some singers.  It was a good night despite everything else.  I wasn't going to go as it was the day after Steves surgery. He wanted me to go so I made a deal, I went to see him in the afternoon and depending on how well he was would depend on whether I went or not.  When I saw him in the afternoon he had made huge improvements from the previous night so I agreed to go.  

My parents went to see Steve that night and were amazed how well he was. He was discharged the following afternoon so that shows how quickly he made progress.  Major brain surgery on Wednesday and sent home with 36 surgical staples in his head on Friday.  That puts me in mind of another story though but I won't go in to it just now.

Anyway the show is on again this year, the same local comedian /compere and a few others, not sure if I can bring myself to go.  I want to as I had a really great laugh last year, the type of laughing which hurts your sides.  I am sure this year will be as funny but, (and there always seems to be a but), it is on the anniversary of Steve being given 12to 18 months to live.  I don't  know how I will feel.  I know Steve would want me to go again but I really don't know.  Here's the link: (not sure why the hyperlink won't work)

http://themet.biz/event/not_the_only_gays_in_the_village/1108/

It's a tough decision.  I don't want a Harry Potter repeat though where I sob all the way through but, I know there are a whole heap on anniversaries to come.  I really don't know.  I want to..... but I don't.......

No point in stressing about a decision now anyway, I'd need to see who else is up for going so I can think about it another time.  It's bed time now.

Goodnight,
Mark xXx

Must try harder...

Yes I have done my thousand lines saying “I must try harder to blog daily”. Maybe it will work who knows but I am not going to stress about it. I am trying not to stress about a lot of stuff lately but I don’t always win but I always try.

Since I wrote last not a lot has changed, I am sure lots has happened but nothing has changed much. The whole of last week seems a blur really, I am not sure if that’s a good or bad thing but it just is what it is.

On Tuesday Steve’s mum visited as usual, she told me about wanting to throw a party for Steve’s 33rd birthday next year. I’m not convinced. Steve wanted a 33rd birthday party as it would have been significant. Significant because it would mark one month more than the max 18 month prognosis he was given. To have his party without him there seems to me to be rubbing salt into the wound, it would be confirming the doctors right as in he wouldn’t live beyond 18 months, in reality he only just scraped through 9 months. I’m not sure what will happen on that, it’s not for me to say, I’m not comfortable with a party per se but then I don’t have to go. I had planned however to go to a little hotel we found via a recommendation H gave to us, it’s a fun and quirky place, (a bit like Steve) so I might just take myself off there with a few people to drink a quiet toast to Steve, the place is called La Rosa Hotel in Whitby, http://www.larosa.co.uk/hotel/index.html it seems like fun.

On Friday the people from work came to see me again. It is so stressful when they come. I don’t know why, I don’t even understand why but it just is. I want to go back to work but right now the thought of it makes my stomach churn. I guess in part I am concerned that if I go back too soon I could have a meltdown at a wholly inappropriate time or snap at someone I ought not to and end up doing myself and work a dis-service. I am not sure they understand that fully but, I have logged on to my work email today from home to see what’s there.

I didn’t get much work done, because I have over 1200 emails to sort through my mailbox is majorly over limit so I had to wade through some old stuff and delete that first to sort of free up some space. I read a few emails though, I got before I left on the Friday before Steve died, ready for me to sort on the Monday and then a few in the following week where life went on regardless of him lying dying in an intensive care unit.

It felt odd, almost like it was me that had died. I felt like I did when I sorted through Steve’s stuff, almost like trespassing or spying, and these are MY emails.... I logged off after a while; it was making me feel sick so I thought it best to leave it for now.

When people used to say to me “Oh it made me feel sick” I thought it always referred to more of a psychological thing as opposed to a physical symptom but, lately I have come to realise that physical sick feeling exists and it has become all too common in recent weeks and months.

This weekend I have avoided people mainly. Saturday I went out for a run in the car, I went to look at a craft shop, it was stupidly expensive and no real great ideas there. I drove around for a bit but came home not spending any money and having not spoken to anyone. Just the way I wanted it I guess.

Yesterday was a little more positive. I spent the whole day in the garage sorting stuff out. It had become our dressing room whilst we were performing, costumes and props etc all over the place but now it is just full of all sorts. Some of the stuff is things we bought months ago, for new hobbies or ideas we had, they still need to be done and I will do eventually but, there is also a lot of old stage props and bits of costumes out there which need sorting too. I did sort quite a bit though, some useable stuff sidelined for a friend who also performs and makes his own costumes as he can make good use of the stuff there and other bits sidelined for other people too.

I also binned a lot of stuff, costumes and props etc which would have continued to be fine for Steve and to use but no good to anyone else or to sell. I threw hundreds of pounds worth of advertising literature in the bin too, sad but they all had Steve’s number on and as they are for “Trouble” then there will be no future need for them either. It’s sad to see all that money wasted.

In the garage too was all Steve’s coursework for the management course he did last year before he got sick and the current stuff he had been working on when he had to stop work. It was so difficult going through that stuff. Every piece of paper was like a little pin prick to my heart as almost every page had his name on, just seeing his name in print so many times in quick succession sort of took the wind out of my sails. I have decided though. I have kept some of the documents, his certificates and some feedback from others about him, (it’s nice to see how much his staff thought of him), and I have decided the rest will be shredded and made into paper bricks for the fire when we move to a boat. Steve would approve of the “green-ness” of it. Turning unwanted paper into fuel to heat the boat.

The boat at the moment seems to be a million miles away, we haven’t got a buyer for the house yet, I think we will reduce the price further in the coming weeks. I think we all just want out and a fresh start. I really think this house though; being so close to the hospital would make a great house for a developer or for a landlord. With five bedrooms, (potentially a sixth or seventh if one of the lounges and the attic were converted), then this would be great to let out to nurses or young doctors working at the teaching hospital at the end of our road. Each room could be let out for £500 ish a month and the mortgage would only be around £1,000 even if a tiny deposit was paid so there is decent potential for profit if someone has the right approach. I know it is something we could look at too but, Steve and I had just planned to sever ties with the house so that’s what I will do as apart from Steve dying, nothing else has changed.

Anyway, after spending the majority of the day outside, (or at least till 7pm ish). I then came in and cooked some food for myself then went and ironed the bed linen I had washed and dried yesterday. I cleaned and vac’d the bedroom and put the fresh linen on then shower and snuggle in my dressing gown watching an old film, Priscilla, Queen of the Desert http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Adventures_of_Priscilla,_Queen_of_the_Desert it is a great feel good film and Steve and I would always enjoy a Sunday evening with a film. Well, by the time I had done everything it was 10.30 before I got to start the film but I enjoyed it.

I have been thinking today though how bad I have been lately in keeping in touch with people. I have hardly spoken to anyone for a few weeks. I really ought to make more of an effort and I will, just as soon as I can.

I’m going to sign off for now, I might do a further update later but maybe not. I know I posted an update here over the weekend too, I hope you liked it, http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2011/08/how-can-it-be.html I saw it whilst online and it really made me think. I still miss Steve more and more with each passing minute. It’s not getting easier to deal with but I suppose I am getting more used to how it feels. Difficult to explain but I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.

Until next time xxx Mark xxx

How can it be...?

How Can it Be?

In a world so big
how can it be that one person
can be missed so much

So many memories to cherish
but how can it be
that thinking of them hurts too much

Though the days are bright and the skies are blue
how can it be
that the sun just doesn't shine any more

The sun doesn't shine
because you are gone,
gone but not forgotten

Never to see you smile again
to touch your face or hold your hand.
How can it be?

You are in my dreams
and I talk to you,
but how can that be enough

Every night I look
for the brightest star in the sky
and wonder is that you

They say it was your time to go
but how can it be
that someone needed you more than we do

One day the hurt may fade
one day the tears may stop,
but not today.

You were more than just a Husband
you were a friend, an inspiration, a hero.
So how can it be you are gone

A day of thinking

This has not been a bad thing, the thinking has all been about someone. Else's project, someone elsess business idea and someone else's headache and excitement really but, let's start with yesterday.

As you know weekends have really been the toughest part of the week for me, those were the times Steve and I would find fun and interesting things to do, sometimes just shopping or doing nothing but it was with steve so being without him has made then extremely hard.

Yesterday I got up and wondered what to do. I looked at the weather and it was raining so a day out with the camera seemed off limits so I pondered, all this before getting out of bed.

I finally got up and decided I would have a day being creative, I decided some sewing was in order. I finally settled on making a handbag for a friend. It's. Up cycled (new word for recycled) from all sorts of stuff but I spent the largest part of the day on it. It was good distraction therapy because whilst I did think about steve I was too busy to get emotional. It was good therapy really. After that I made a necklace and did a few other things too so all in all a. Very creative day. I spent some time online last night but nothing to speak of so it was off to bed at a reasonable time.

Today I got up and phoned work because they had asked me to call today, I sorted a few other things then showered and got dressed. A friend came for lunch, I made a fish risotto which was lovely then we sat and chatted about her ideas. The plans are huge but, they look achievable as each element of the big idea is quite manageable for her. It looks exciting. We also spoke about a new accolade she has been awarded and how it can be 'used', again this all sounds very "cloak and dagger" but I guess this isn't really the right place to publicise her plans, although her 'thing' is public I don't feel my blog is the right place for it.... I think will understand my reasoning... I. Hope.

This evening I have been speaking to T at BT Buddies about the Corrie storyline about Brain Tumours, its a difficult topic and we each have thoughts on how it could be done better but, the main thing is that the story is running and it is raising awareness and that is all that matters.

Well it is almost bed time here for me, I have been reading a few blogs about brain tumours tonight, I wish I could stop them all as nobody should have to go through what I am going through now and what Steve and I went trough since September, I can't though and it hurts.

Well tomorrow is a new day, I am tying to keep on this upward slope of being OK so fingers crossed for tomorrow.

Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

An absent neutral week

I know I have been lacking in the blog area this week. Perhaps my mind has been am little absent too. It's not been a significant week, neither significantly good or significantly bad just a collection of days.


That's not meant negatively but maybe neutrally. That's probably the best explanation for my mood the last week and I am ok with it, it is better than being on the roller coaster. Don't get me wrong I have had a few 'moments' this week but that's ok.

On Tuesday this week J came and stopped, we went out for lunch and we wandered around the shops, we each bought just one item so hardly a huge spree but it was the first time I have been to a busy shopping area since Steve died so it can be seen as a step forward.

On Wednesday I didn't get up to much, I was going to venture out with the camera and did set off in the car but came home, I just didn't feel like it.

Thursday was again a bit of a quiet day but H came to see me in the eve and we had a good old natter. Also, if you remember me asking you to say a prayer or send healing thoughts for a friends nephew well it's her nephew. I am pleased to say he is doing ok, he is not fully recovered but he is out of intensive care so he is heading in the right direction. He's only 13 so please keep sending all your positive thoughts etc to Luke xxx

Friday was not so bad either, I had an appointment in the afternoon so I got up and had a leisurely morning then went to see G afterwards. It's not all good there either unfortunately, N's Dad is poorly, he has been for some time but he is in hospital again and the whole family are concerned. I feel for them a lot as they have seen Steve go through his journey and have watched me struggle with him dying and now they have this on top. It's not fair but life seldom is, and don't I know it.

Last night I was up until really late, in fact till the early hours of this morning chatting on the phone, it was a good to talk though, we were discussing ideas for raising awareness of brain tumours, I did a couple of pictures this week for #braintumourthursday on twitter, just some pics of Steve but with a hard hitting message.

They may seem harsh, I had a long think before, during and after I did them but, I decided if they stop someone and make them think then they have done their job and Steve would be pleased to know he has helped raise awareness of this cruel disease, I've recently learned of a few children with the same disease. It sickens me to know what those families will be going through now and at some point in the future.

Today has not been too bad. I got up late, not late considering I was awake until after 4am but later than usual. I showered and went in to town. I only needed to bank a cheque and post a letter. The bank was shut and I had missed the last post for today for the letter but it will go on Monday.

I thought about having a look around the shops, I went in and wandered about for a bit but came away empty handed. I realised there is nothing I need to buy or want to buy so I came home empty handed.

I had a call this afternoon from a friend about something else she has been working on, it will be great news but she has to keep it a secret for now so I will too but, eventually you will know ALL as it really is good news.

This evening I have sat here alone, not doing anything in particular but, as the weekends have been the most difficult bits of my week then I think I am doing ok so far, I'm not on a downer, that's not due to alcohol anaesthetic either as I haven't had any but it is just because I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope nobody turns it off before I get near the end!

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, loads to do but the weather and my motivation when I wake up will no doubt decide for me.  Here's another pic I did, you can see why the debate with myself, hard hitting and hopefully they can be used to raise awareness of brain tumours for http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/

Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

I know I have been lacking in the blog area this week. Perhaps my mind has been am little absent too.  It's not been a significant week, neither significantly good or significantly bad just a collection of days.

That's not meant negatively but maybe neutrally.  That's probably the best explanation for my mood the last week and I am ok with it, it is better than being on the roller coaster.  Don't get me wrong I have had a few 'moments' this week but that's ok.

on Tuesday this week J came and stopped, we went out for lunch and we wandered around the shops, we each bought just one item so hardly a huge spree but it was the first time I have been to a busy shopping area since Steve died so it can be seen as a step forward.

On Wednesday I didn't get up to much, I was going to venture out with the camera and did set off in the car but came home, I just didn't feel like it.

Thursday was again a bit of a quiet day but H came to see me in the eve and we had a good old natter.  Also, if you remember me asking you to say a prayer or send healing thoughts for a friends nephew well it's her nephew.  I am pleased to say he is doing ok, he is not fully recovered but he is out of intensive care so he is heading in the right direction.  He's only 13 so please keep sending all your positive thoughts etc to Luke xxx

Friday was not so bad either, I had an appointment in the afternoon so I got up and had a leisurely morning then went to see G afterwards.  It's not all good there either unfortunately, N's Dad is poorly, he has been for some time but he is in hospital again and the whole family are concerned.  I feel for them a lot as they have seen Steve go through his journey and have watched me struggle with him dying and now they have this on top.  It's not fair but life seldom is, and don't I know it.

Last night I was up until really late, in fact till the early hours of this morning chatting on the phone, it was a good to talk though, we were discussing ideas for raising awareness of brain tumours, I did a couple of pictures this week for #braintumourthursday on twitter, just some pics of Steve but with a hard hitting message.  

They may seem harsh, I had a long think before, during and after I did them but, I decided if they stop someone and make them think then they have done their job and Steve would be pleased to know he has helped raise awareness of this cruel disease, I've recently learned of a few children with the same disease.  It sickens me to know what those families will be going through now and at some point in the future.

Today has not been too bad.  I got up late, not late considering I was awake until after 4am but later than usual.  I showered and went in to town.  I only needed to bank a cheque and post a letter.  The bank was shut and I had missed the last post for today for the letter but it will go on Monday.

I thought about having a look around the shops, I went in and wandered about for a bit but came away empty handed.  I realised there is nothing I need to buy or want to buy so I came home empty handed.

I had a call this afternoon from a friend about something else she has been working on, it will be great news but she has to keep it a secret for now so I will too but, eventually you will know ALL as it really is good news.

This evening I have sat here alone, not doing anything in particular but, as the weekends have been the most difficult bits of my week then I think I am doing ok so far, I'm not on a downer, that's not due to alcohol anaesthetic either as I haven't had any but it is just because I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope nobody turns it off before I get near the end!

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, loads to do but the weather and my motivation when I wake up will no doubt decide for me. Here are a few of the pictures I mentioned though, you might see why I had to debate with myself....



Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

Because I knew you...

I know it's been a few days, I will update more later but for now please take a look at this video I was sent today.  It could be viewed as an "open letter" to Steve, after all I am who I am today Because I knew you...

Lost

Thats how I have felt this weekend.  yesterday was a lovely day weather wise but not really for me.

After writing my blog in the morning I showered and then took the car for a wash, I cam home and polished it, more for something to pass the time than anything, it certainly didn;t really need it but it killed a few hours.

After that I sat here at the computer, not really doing much.  I sort of snapped myself into action around 6ish and decided to go out, I called to see friends but they were out, I sort of guessed they were and I was perhaps glad they were, I would have been crap company I guess but I wanted to be out of the house.  I went for a walk instead around the waterside near The Lowry centre and Media City UK.  I took the camera, my "justify walking on your own" tool.

When I got home I had  something to eat and then returned to the computer.  Again, another way to opt out of watching TV or talking to people.  I just felt low I suppose.  The events of last week with work has really got to me and in a way I suppose unsettled me, I am feeling like i'm being rushed into putting Stephen aside and moving on.  I know I need to find a new normal ASAP but pushy attitudes havent helped, I guess it will sort itself out in the end.

I ended up going to bed early, midnight is early for me lately.  As a result I was awake before 7 this morning, I lay in bed reading on the internet via the phone.

Today has been another low day though.  I didn't want it to be.  I wanted it to be productive sorting things for the move (whenever it is) and, this morning I finished customising a shirt for a friend that I promised to do long before Steve died. 

After that is was shower and dressed then I decided to get a load of stuff we're clearing on to eBay, (I still say We even though it's really just Me now - old habits etc...).  I procrastinated for ages, finally I did it though and got almost 60 listings on today. 

I have had no less than 4 invites out to lunch today, sadly I declined them all. I wasn't being mean but I didn't feel sociable, I knew I would be rubbish company and my friends asked because they care, they don't need to have their day blackened by the big cloud I have been dragging around all day.  I did have a genuine excuse though, the stuff that went on eBay today was photographed before Steve died so again, it's about time I caught up.

I sort of guess if I get "My" stuff sorted, the eBay etc then I can apply the same methodology to work and getting back to it.  I don't know if it will work but I guess one of my concerns about work is that when I am back I won't have time to settle back in, it'll mean hitting the ground running, I think up to now I have managed a walk and thats it..... I'd feel lost there too, long story but I guess no small part of it is that it is incredibly difficult for a gay guy to "fit in" within a hetro environment.... (and not even metro-hetro at that), it's never bothered me before but right now I feel vulnerable so it's daunting, the pressure just serves to confirm my concerns.

This evening I have spoken the T via email, she's a gem and has sent me the lyrics to a song I was told about before Steve's funeral, the song is lovely but here is an excerpt of the words....

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

It has struck a chord with me, it did the first time I heard it and again, hearing this has set me off again.  I guess it's time for bed.  One soggy pillow coming right up...

Being unreasonable

That is how I am being made to feel by people at work. They came to see me on Thursday, before I had blogged about the previous few days and that was what my reference to it being a Shitty day was all about.

I understand they are concerned or missing me, (not me per se but the work I do, I really don’t think they give a toss about me personally). They said as much when they put pressure on for me to return ASAP.

I feel I have done really well. I have started to look for the positives in the day instead of accepting how I feel when I wake up. I push that nagging pain to one side, those tears welled in my eyes are barricaded in and the anger and hurt on the tip of my tongue is swallowed hard. Yes in plain terms I put on a brave face, but my tolerance levels are at an all time low my concentration is lacking to say the least and well.... there’s lots more to say but I won’t.

When I received a letter telling me they were coming to visit I felt my stress levels go through the roof, I knew it was coming and had expected it but I didn’t expect how I felt. After an hour of what felt like an intensive grilling, (It felt like they were trying to suss out if I really am ‘that’ upset about losing my Husband), it seems I failed the “test” as I have been asked to see the work doctor. Not a problem if I had something physically wrong with me but how beneficial will it be for me to trawl over all those things I have put to rest in my mind. Not least how it felt living, no, existing for Stephen’s last nine months with a death sentence hanging over your head, yes, it was over my head too, I suffered the death of my partner and my relationship with him and when he died I feel a huge part of me died with him.

I am expected to relay this to some stranger. It feels like work is saying that they cannot accept that I would be feeling this way after SO long. Six weeks, is that a long time? I don’t think so not when you consider Stephen will be dead for the rest of my lifetime not when the bond we shared was SO strong. We loved spending every minute of every day together, not like some couples who spend as much of their free time as possible outside of work apart from each other.

After that meeting I had an email from work, more on Thursday and Friday. Again, it sent me stress levels through the roof and I just had to go and be alone making myself busy just doing things so as not to think. Oh, the best bit was, “Are you planning to return to work?” What a daft question, you don’t get a cash lump sum to last you the rest of your days as a booby prize for losing your husband, the bills still roll in and they still have to be paid but now you have to do it with one wage not two! Of course I am going back, I loved my job, the diversity of it and the satisfaction of knowing you helped make a difference that I guess most charity employees get; I desperately want that normality back and that warm and fuzzy feeling of knowing you are benefitting others. I want it more than any.

Another comment was that “perhaps you should ask about medication.....” What? Fill my body with drugs to mask what I feel so when I finally stop taking them I can experience the natural, (yes grief is a natural and normal process), so I can experience the natural pain then instead and suffer what in my eyes would be a setback? No, I want to deal with this now and move forward, not hide it and move over.

Insensitive and uncaring are huge understatements. Maybe one day when they or a loved one are in my position they may get a slightly better understanding of how it feels and then I hope someone tells them that six weeks is enough time to get over it and get back to normal.

That it about work, it’s stressing me just thinking about it and I don’t want to go down that slippery slope.

The rest of Thursday was difficult to say the least. I ended up driving a friend in to town on Thursday night for her to photograph at an event. I had agreed to it last week when I was having a good day and didn’t want to let her down. I am forcing myself out of the house and in to places I don’t want to be, really to try and accelerate my progression. (With work’s attitude in mind it’s probably for the best too). It was OK, I was brutally aware of my single, (widowed) status, but she’s a caring mate and kept an eye out for me. It was tough but I lived to tell the tale and I hope to go and do other things with her in the future, she’s got a great sense of fun and she cheered me up a lot.

Yesterday was crappy too, as I said the email from work first thing set my stress through the roof. I busied myself doing other things. A friend came over yesterday afternoon then, as she was leaving two more turned up and then another. It was nice to see people. I ended up being up till after 1.30am again chatting but it was nice. I suppose an opportunity to forget for a while but remember nice things too.

The blog wasn’t done last night as I didn’t feel like it, no more complex a reason than that. I was late to bed again though.

Today is a glorious day. What shall I do? No plans no agenda. Perhaps a walk with the camera later? I feel the camera gives me an excuse to go out alone, I don’t look like such a ‘Billy no mates’ with that in my hand. I guess I look like a geek instead. I guess I need to force myself out and in to real life again, quiet places are fine, busy places are tough. I’ll decide after a shower.

A HUGE update

Here goes. I’ve not written for a few days so you’re in for a HUGE update.


Monday was a fairly good day. Well, sort of. You may recall I’d had a call on Saturday from Christies Hospital to go and collect Steve’s belongings which were there. I combined this with a trip to Steve’s work to drop off his computer which was brought here when he started “Working from home”. The work visit was first and was OK; I only saw Steve’s boss and we chatted a little. He’s a nice guy and Steve got on very well with him and liked him not only as a person but as a boss too.

The Christies visit was less pleasant. I had to go in to the critical care unit where Steve had been treated just before he was transferred to Hope Hospital. The nurse offered her condolence etc and I recognised her from when I was there last. I collected his bag of stuff. On the way out I bumped into the Doctor who had seen Steve on his last Chemo run, we chatted for a while but, she also said how completely shocked she had been about Steve’s passing, ESPECIALLY since she had seen him on 1st June and he died just 2 weeks later on 15th June. It was nice to talk but she understood when I told her I hope to not see her again in a ‘medical’ capacity.

After that I needed some air and a change of thought so I picked up a friend and we went to Heaton Park for a walk. I went a few weeks ago and ended up having to come home when my battery run out on the camera. This time my battery lasted a little longer but I had not charged them so I ran out of power again but I didn’t stress about it. We ended up sitting alongside the duck pond for a while chatting, it was nice to have a proper chat.

After that I drove him home and then called in at home before A friend arrived from Scotland to stay for a few days. It was nice to see here and to be able to chat. It wasn’t purely social, she had business to attend to here but all the same it was nice to catch up. We ended up talking till way too late but, it was good to do. I ended up though going to collect her from Knutsford as that’s where she had been left, it’s a long story.

Tuesday was OK, I took T to look for a scooter, and we found a really decent one quite locally. It will give her more independence, freedom and the ability to be out of the house for longer periods of time, hopefully free of pain. After that we called home again before heading off to see another friend about a different project. It all seems a bit hush hush but we’re trying not to tempt fate by bleating on about it, fingers crossed.

Tuesday evening Steve’s Mum visited as usual and again T and I spent way too long talking till far too late but again, it was good.

Yesterday was an odd day. We got up late because we’d gone to bed late. After T finally ;-) got dressed we went out. We had to call in to the bank first then went for a drive to Marple to the canal and spent a few hours watching the narrow boats navigating between locks 12 to 16. It looked like hard work for them. It made me think how realistic it is going to be for me to live on a narrow boat and cruise the network alone. The lock needs to be opened, and then the boat driven (?) in to the lock, the lock gate closed behind then wait for the lock to fill before opening the next gate, driving the boat out of the lock and then closing the lock gate behind you and then on to the next.... multiply that process by 16 and you can see how tiring and time consuming it is all likely to be, bearing in mind each lock takes about 20 minutes when at least 2 people are operating it.

I don’t want it to alter my decision but it certainly is a leveller. There’s a lot to consider. Knowing me though I am so stubborn, (like Steve) that I will probably just do it but curse the aches and pains (and exercise) involved!

After that T and I went to the Trafford Centre for dinner, we had a Thai meal and it was lovely and we then went to watch the last Harry Potter film. I guess it was significant for us both as she had read Harry Potter to her Fiancée as he lay critically ill. For me, I hadn’t thought about it before but, Steve and I have been to see every film together. I had read the books but Steve hadn’t. I refused to tell him the ending of each part though so, I realised last night Steve never knew the ending to the story. A journey Steve and I had begun together, watching a series of films, and he never got to the end.

I spent a lot of the film with tears running down my face. The 3D glasses were a good disguise. The tears flowed regardless of what was happening in the film, the film didn’t make me cry. Stephen wasn’t seeing it with me and that is what upset me.

I enjoyed the film but I had never considered going to the cinema to see a 12 rated film could be SO traumatic and make me cry almost the whole way through it.

On the way home T and I spoke about loads of stuff but the subject of music came up. She explained how she associates pieces of music with people and places. I asked what mine was. She said it is a piece for Steve and me and invited me to guess. Show tunes or Pop Music were nowhere near so I gave up and asked what song, she told me, Neil Diamond. I immediately thought or “America” or “Love on the rocks” and was puzzled. She told me it was “Forever in blue jeans”. It hit me.

I started crying straight away, the first verse says it all and I remembered straight away the time and place and events and why that song had become significant to us. I re-posted Steve’s blog last night with the song.

The first verse reads:

Money Talks

But it don't sing and dance

And it don't walk

As long as I can have you here with me

I'd much rather be

Forever in blue jeans

Forever in Blue Jeans

I told Stephen it was relevant to us, sod the drag, sod the stage lights and the glitz and glam and fun and sequins, wigs, shoes, parties, laughter and travelling, I just wanted him. I STILL only want him but, I know it will never be, not in this life at least.

I’m not going to write much about today, it’s been a Shitty day so far, hopefully I can turn it around but for now I think I have written enough.

Until next time xxx Mark xxx

Forever in blue jeans...

Tonight I have just been reminded of an old blog post of Steve's, I've copied it below, it was earlier this year just as we were going away.  Have a read and listen to the song.... hope you enjoy x

Away - Sunday 13th Feb 2011



Well we've done it. We managed to get out of the house, and we were only 34 minutes behind schedule. Which for us is brilliant.



I realised earlier that I haven't updated all weekend so here goes with a big update.

Friday I was in the office and managed to get loads done, I actually felt part of the team again. After work I went for coffee with my friend Dr Jon which was good as we just watched the world go by and had a good catch up.

Mark picked me up in town and we went shopping for dinner. Marks good at his mixed grills. From there we just veged in front of the tv watching DVD's and I did more on our diamante throw - which is slowly getting there...

Saturday we were up and dressed pretty early. I did the post run for the last of our weekly sales. Everyone should have their purchases by monday hopefully.

Saturday afternoon was spent photographing more stock which will be uploaded on Thursday - see even when were away were working.... I even have a box of tights in the car ready for this weeks sales....

Last night we did our packing and ironing ready for today, nothing like being organised. It was then veg on the sofa and more diamante and Mark with his ebay pictures.

This morning we were up full cooked breakfast and load the car. Were now whizzing down the motorway on our way.

Don't worry about the cats and the in-laws We've left them loads of food and they are house trained - the cats just please themselves :-)

We just decided whilst listening to Michael Balls Sunday Brunch show that Neil Diamonds Forever in Blue Jeans is our new song because he would rather have me and have to wear blue jeans than not to have me and have sequins.... Soppy sod. But it is really relevant to us.

Anyway will sign off and update later.
Steve x

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D27dmGp2zU

and so to bed...

Almost. I was going to head off then remembered I didn;t do a blog yesterday and haven't done one today so I guess I ought to write.

I'll start with yesterday.  Not a bad day really, I got up early and took the old car back to the garage, I wasn't sad to see it go at all, like I said before it signified Cancer to Steve and, since he had said that it did to me too.  We only had a big car in case he needed to fit a wheelchair or scooter in etc.  Anyway, enough of that, it's gone and, whilst it was a good car etc I had no complaints of it at all I am still not sad to see it go.

When I got home the postman had been and brought the decal I had ordered for the new car on Thursday evening, a pretty rapid response I reckon so I was very happy.

I loaded the car with a few bits for the charity shop, the eBay stuff which needed to be posted, yep, I am still plodding on with Steve's eBay empire although a lot slower than I was before but I am sure I will find the motivation soon once other things have fallen in to place also.

Once all sorted off I went, I took the camera as I wanted to picture the car on grass, I think cars look nice with a grassy backdrop but, the parks I chose had events on and, long story short I didn't get to find a grassy area so I went for an 'urban' look instead, the pics are below:

I did of course take a picture of the decal too, I had decided to give the car a name on Thursday evening and seeing as the car has so much attitude I decided it could only have one name..... what do you think?

It made me smile and I think it is appropriate too and I am sure Steve would also.  After this I came home and started working on filling out a few forms.  I'd received a text from G telling me he'd be picking me up at 7.30 to go for dinner and drinks at theirs.  I didn't argue.  It's so much easier when someone else makes decisions, normally I'd not like or let people make decisions for me nut at the moment i am sort of going with the flow where possible.  Now you know why I didn't blog.  I was collected at 7.30 and didn;t leave their house until 3am, I walked home and got home about 3.40 ish, off to bed then for a snooze with no blog, sorry!

Today has been another busy day.  Up this morning and finishing off my forms.  When those were done I sorted the spare room, the eBay room, T is coming tomorrow for a few days so I needed to at least make it so she can get to the bed. 

After that I finished a scrapbook I had in mind for Steve's Granny, it had lots of pictures in but not only of Steve but his stage alter ego too.  Granny loved the cabaret stuff, we performed for the residents at her wardened flats a a few times in the communal lounge.  they all loved it and she was always really proud to be stood there, all 4ft something of her next to Steve's 7ft something, (complete with high heels and wig), and introducing her Grandson to her friends, the fact he was wearing a sequin gown and a huge amount of bling never bothered her.

Once that was done I got showered and set off for Granny's place.  It was nice to see her, she was really pleased with the scrapbook and she could tell which numbers Steve was performing from the costumes.  I was pleased she liked it so much.

I was going to call in on Steve's Uncle on the way back but, judging by the cars on the drive he had company so I thought it best not to call in unannounced.  I'll go and see him soon but I didn't want to interrupt.

This evening I have been busy sorting paperwork again, I had a long conversation with J after he finished work around 11.30pm and then just finished the last few bits before I though of heading to bed..... until I remembered to do this of course.

All in all it's not been a bad weekend, I have managed to go now 5 whole days which have all been pretty good.  I'm not counting chickens before they are hatched but I hope to see more good days coming around the corner.

Not sure if tomorrow will be a good day though.  i received a call on Saturday from Christies Hospital where Steve was admitted initially.  The critical care unit have been in touch to say they have a bag of Steve's possessions there which need to be collected.  It will be his washbag and pyjamas etc but the thought of going back to 'that' hospital and 'that' ward where we received SO much bad news in such a short space of time is very daunting.

I also have Steve's computer here which his works brought in for him to work from home, I think I will take that back tomorrow too.  They are only little things I guess but they are still significant markers on the route to finding a new normal.  I'm not going to worry about it for now, it's bed time and I have nice clean crisp sheets to get in to.... mmmm I love that feeling.

Goodnight and see you tomorrow.
Mark

WOWZERS

I know, I have turned in to Batman or Robin, well I would look as good as them in Lycra I'm sure so therefore I can say that.

Yes, I'm on a roll, (although I am not being negative when I say I don't expect it to last), this is the third good day in a row.  I have actually had a few "reflective" moments today but, they didn't turn me to a heap of wailing jelly, they made me feel warm, (and tearful) but in a nice way if that makes sense.  I have REALLY missed Steve today, he would have enjoyed the spontaneity of the day, naah not enjoyed, LOVED but, I guess I have to keep that in mind and keep going forward.

This morning I got up and tidied our bedroom, I did some washing, Steve used to do it all the time as he liked making sure the washer was busy  and I tidies our lounge.  Nothing major just putting stuff away.  I said the other day I was ready to put some stuff out of sight that had been out since the funeral and I have, theres a few things been put away, it doesn't feel like there is less of Steve here though so that is good.

After that I had a shower as the estate agent was due at 2pm.  I managed to get showered and dressed after I had done everything and was sorting some stuff out upstairs when he came.  I sorted all that out and then decided to meddle with the car as my new phone cradle and replacement button arrived for the handsfree set.  An extravagant £11 in total and it works perfectly, I am V-happy and I am now inclined to agree with Steve that maybe he has "rubbed off" on me and I am turning into a techno geek. 

Talking of Steve I thought about his this afternoon too, I was sat in the car outside the house talking to 'T' (pot)  about me and about Steve etc and there it was again, another rainbow.  'T' said that's Steve saying he's happy because I sorted the handsfree myself, I think I agree, usually I would have left it to him, not because i couldn't do it but because I couldn't be bothered and he could.  It was nice to see though and it made me smile, and this time without streams of tears down my face.  Like a bus, you wait for ages for one and then I get two rainbows in a week... BIG SMILES!

This afternoon two friends called around, J was coming anyway and I knew D was planning to come but they had evidently spoken and arrived together with D's two dogs.  I was lovely to see them.  I love dogs and would love one on the boat with me when I get it but two cats a dog and me might be a bit much.... but, never say never.

We had a coffee and had planned to go for lunch but, with doggies in tow plans were revised and we all went to D's for dinner.  It was lovely, it was they type of afternoon Steve would have loved.  No plans just deciding on the go and going with it.  Dinner was de-lish and, I wouldn't just say that but it was, good grub, good friends and good wine.... yeah forgot that bit, I had a small glass with dinner as I was driving, something I never usually do but it was lovely and, above all, it was nice to have a drink and not drink to get drunk as I guess many of us do when we are younger.

I came home and have been on the PC most of the night, not doing what I needed to but still it's been nice.  I am not going to start what I need to now as I have had a few Bacardi's now, well, two actually but they were very large ones.... oops.

I am quite excited about tomorrow oddly, my car goes back to the garage tomorrow, I say goodbye officially to the car Steve and I had and officially hello to the new one.  the new one is not as new as the old one but she is lovely, an absolute pleasure to drive, (she's put the fun back in to driving) and it is more the sort of car Steve and I would have liked, smaller, sportier and fun.  We always had big cars, when we had the 4x4 it wasn't because we wanted or needed a 4x4 but we needed the space to get out DJ kit around plus suitcases of costumes.

With the next car again, we needed the space for ferrying the kit around and with this car, a Peugeot 3008, we got it because it was practical, it could comfortably fit four people and the boot was big enough to fit a wheelchair in even if we had 4 people in the car. 

We didn't know how sick Steve would get or if he would need a wheelchair but we thought about it just in case.  Steve hated the thought of a wheelchair but was quite sensible and keen to get a car that would suit our needs whatever they may have turned out to be.  He never needed a wheelchair, with hindsight we could have got something sporty and had a more fun car but, we were being practical.  Hey though, it's not a big deal. 

I guess you can see now why I am excited about getting rid of it, it symbolised Steve being ill and us planning for that.  It wasn't a car which reflected two young(ish) guys with no children to worry about and just enjoying life.  Although Steve loved the car he hated it too because of what it symbolised and the reasons behind it's purchase.  I guess tomorrow is a significant day too, it's saying goodbye to another marker or reminder of Steve's illness and how it affected and changed our lives and how it continues to affect my life.  Today has been a good day though and if I keep thinking of the positives about the old car going and the new car meaning a cancer free life then hopefully tomorrow will be a good one too.  fingers crossed.

Well I am going to bed, it's 12.56 here now and I hope to be tucked up in bed by 1.30am .... here's hoping!

Goodnight xxx